Celly "reviews" Strange Magic (with Sock Puppets)

this review is brought to you by january solely responsible for releasing half of your worst films of the year list january because if it's not an Oscar contender why the [ __ ] are you going to a movie theater in January okay that one was fine I know an animated film released this early in the year I know I shouldn't be surprised but but you know what I've calmed down I've had time to reflect and uh I'm sure for all the five people that actually have seen the trailer all thought one of three things one this looks a lot like epic - this looks a lot like the Tinkerbell movies or three this looks a lot like either of those movies mixed with labyrinth and indeed I was prepared to count the clock for how long it would take for this movie to not remind me of epic and then the film starts with a rendition of I can't stop falling in love with you and I suddenly realize the agony I was gonna have to bear a pop song jukebox musical and I came to this movie to avoid watching Glee and to be clear the problem is not the songs themselves no it's that there are 13 songs in this movie 13 the average Disney movie has 6 I am not even kidding in less than 20 minutes there were already 5 songs opening song 5 lines of dialogue song - I did I love song violence and I know song 2 lines oh I pod is playing in the movie theatre right now okay so what's the story and you know what I am just gonna go ahead and spoil everything because there's really not much here worth saving well there's that one kind of big one but I don't really care but I love you guys and if you really care about spoilers that much you can skip to this time mark but before I start keep this in mind George Lucas who is not only the executive producer but also came up with the story also that this is Lucas film distributed by touchstone because for whatever reason Disney didn't want its name on it said that Star Wars was his adventure movie for boys and as a father of three girls he wanted to make strange magic to be his adventure story for girls this is the story he came up with setting fairy Kingdom dark forest I can't help falling in love with you oh I'm so happy that I'm about to get married hey random skank let's make out oh no never fall in love and you can tell that I've abandoned love because I'm now wearing pants sword-fighting and over I have abandoned my traditional femininity the those two things are related right hey sister who looks freakishly similar to my ex-fiance stop being so airheaded and boy-crazy never I shall continue to flirt excessively and lean on my good putana guy friend who is in no way in love with me don't worry about a thing I'm so lonely Oh daughter why don't you get back together with that guy who cheated on you I'll come on baby come back to me so I could be king I mean so we can be together always baby come on Marianne what doesn't kill you makes you stronger hey friends I'm going to the dark forest and get a love potion and force her to fall in love with you that play it doesn't matter if she says no I love brings nothing but chaos and disorder because I'm evil my middle name is misery Sugar Plum Fairy make me a love potion get the potion back through various hijinks hey hey are we gone today I know one thing that I love you well as long as I feel bad about it I guess it's fine I don't have a love potion oh no I'm being kidnapped got to go save my sister I should have had all boys you are the worst dad ever why'd we kidnap her again I don't really remember I love you what to get pie honey buns oh dear God stop singing I'm locking you in the jail this guy is my favorite character release my sister I'm calm and shut it on you hey we've been fighting for less than a minute why is the camera work implying that we inexplicably have a thing for each other I don't know what to think about how much love sucks sure I've been mistreated now wanna sing about how inexplicably into each other we are sure boom eternal drop I was dumped in the passo now no one else can love either yes I too I did equally sane reaction to being dumped we're so obviously mental stable people this relationship can totally work I have an army at your gates Patrol what just happened I'm a killer don't you do it heroic sacrifice cave collapsing oh no the guy I knew for like 10 minutes is dead yep totally dead totally not gonna come back in five minutes I'm all of a sudden in love with the guy who's gonna de rape me I mean use a love potion on me because big statement on how appearances aren't everything oh no my daughter is kissing a non-caucasian [ __ ] faint somebody bury him I haven't quite proved how much of a douchebag I am yet so love potion love potion is a very effective [ __ ] I got better make out make out me girl Taryn and tell them that you love that my god shut up be cool wise man and behold George Lucas's Star Wars for girls truly it has the same level of compelling world building and character depth and certainly not made out of a bunch of cliches that I've seen a million times with nothing significantly original added but obviously just recapping the plot cannot truly capture the experience of watching this endurance test so here's everything else that was wrong with it in a sending order of how much it ruined the movie for me number five the animation as perfectly functional and not terrible as it is if it weren't for the fact that the women in this movie were fully clothed I would have thought this was any other online fantasy RPG and epic as a result of the movie trying to look too realistic the movement is a little slow all the non-human characters have ridiculously large realistic mouths and tiny eyes which is unnerving and again we're bungee jumping in and out of that uncanny valley and you guys probably know by now I have a thing about over detailing and putting too much stuff on the screen the designs by themselves are all nice but with everything on the screen at the same time it's just too much especially whenever the camera decides to start spinning around absolutely nothing like epic number four it's a terrible romance story I cannot deny that I'm tired of female targeted media always being synonymous with romance or even defying romances which is still technically romance especially when there's already such a dearth of girl movies but I'm not saying romance stories are default ly inferior to adventure stories or even default ly awful in kids movies clearly that's not the case this isn't a terrible movie because it has romance in it it's a terrible romance story romances only work if you feel the connection between the characters and these romances just come out of nowhere literally they just start liking characters because and then of course the brilliant idea to put a consent stealing brainwashing drug as our plot catalyst because why the hell would someone think that was it oh of course considering all the other parts of that story that are not here it was to show the difference between true love and infatuation which is exactly why true love is portrayed by spontaneously falling in love with the guy who tried to drug you and falling for the guy you've known for ten minutes who by the way kidnapped your sister so never mind totally justified but what about whoa that doesn't append on appearances it might depend on them knowing each other for longer than five minutes though you don't realize that liking something just because it's the opposite of what you're supposed to like doesn't make the attraction any less superficial right and if you truly believe that love was indeed beyond appearances show me a beauty the Beast omage with the genders reversed once in a while and maybe I'll start taking that message seriously yeah yeah every love story in a movie is dumb when you pull it apart because it needs to fit an arc of emotional intimacy into 90 minutes even Disney movies have terrible messages about relationships and problematic gender politics still some accomplish that better than others hang on you mean to tell me you got engaged to someone you just met that day are you some sort of love expert no but I have friends who are wrongfully worried what you're getting married number three characters and cliches good lord these characters are paper-thin and boring the textbook definition of fill in the blank template avatars doing things because plot the douchebag attractive guy who shockingly turns out to be a douchebag the boy crazy ditz the friendzone guy at the very least Marianne has an arc but aside from being incredibly generic to action chicks always have to be synonymous with angry chicks and or have to constantly boast I could take care of myself while the father goes how would all the dogs howl when they did I could still considered deviant female behavior in 2015 did we teleport to 1995 this was old when avatar did it shut up Cameron I wasn't talking to you seriously if I was making a list of the worst male stereotypes and kids movies [ __ ] idiot father figures would definitely be at the top of that list Pixar please don't add to that list number two obnoxious sure this mostly applies to all the Goblin people the Sugar Plum Fairy and especially the mom Oh God that was a special form of agony but really all characters are slaves to the generic animation for kids doctrine that everyone must act as spastically moronically stereotypically and annoying as possible and the dialogue follows that line with being equal parts generic and obnoxious with no hint of awareness of how not funny they are again having to bear a bunch of modern references and colloquial to this mystical natural setting Thank You DreamWorks for your influence there but of course because otherwise the pop songs would feel out of place which oh yeah did I mention that there were 13 pop songs in his movie because even if for some reason you did care about the plot get ready for it to get interrupted every 30 seconds again my problem is not songs in movies songs are actually very similar to romance subplots if they're well executed and well utilized they can really elevate a story and flesh out our characters the problem is 13 and pop songs look at how good songs are conveying emotion we can just tell a story through these songs you mean you're too lazy to write your own damn movie well now I know why your characters are so thin and empty because why go through the work of giving your characters a personality when you can just stuff them full of Elvis and Kelly Clarkson once or twice a song might actually have been effective at conveying the intensity of an emotion but most of the time it's needlessly along getting a scene that could have been solved by a 10-second conversation now someone might dare to ask me was there anything about the movie that could possibly be perceived as mildly not terrible well number four animation see I'm not unreasonable I put it on both lists I still don't love how realistic it tries to push it however I can't deny that there's a lot of impressive effort in here the faces are kind of weird but very expressive there is some okay sword fights and the design is atmospheric and well detailed and when it wants to go cartoonishly fast it actually does that well even resulting in some scant moments of decent comedic timing then the whole kaleidoscope thing happens in okay that was just jolting number three I like to be imp it was cute and it didn't talk so you know points there number two vocal performances the songs maybe narrative waste but at least there's some decent talent behind them a lot of them very accomplished singers I really like Elijah Kelly not this but his singing is fantastic number one bog while not immune for a lot of the other movies problems like it's really not worth seeing the film just to see him like some villains bog is easily the best character if only because he's the only one who seems like he can hold more than one thought in his head at once he's voiced well by Alan [ __ ] he's responsible for most of the humor that this movie actually has and while the whole Belet labbett thing still happens out of nowhere for a movie that introduces itself with a very traditional good versus bad backdrop where the first scene with the villain is him reciting this very by-the-book anti-love evil dictator speech just the idea that the heroine and the villain would get together I was the only mildly intriguing thing to happen because at least I didn't see it coming but you know now that I vented can I necessarily say that this is worse than something like legends of Oz well no this is at least better constructed than that heck because of how weird and silly it can get I might even be able to see some people liking this as a guilty pleasure especially if you do like that Brian Froud aesthetic heck that alone probably makes this more memorable than epic but like a lot of guilty pleasures it still doesn't mean it's not awful it just hits all of the buttons on what makes kids animation so infamously intolerable to adults mostly just having to do with the creators just not giving a crap about the story whether because it's a kids movie or kids movie for girls who really knows to me it was just a thoroughly unpleasant experience as the Sega graph dictates and I know that George Lucas isn't solely responsible for this movie but the idea for the story songs and inspiration were all him so yeah I don't care that George Lucas basically made this as a present for his daughters good for him he can go join the terrible movies produced by rich celebrities as presents for their kids club which is then made all the more better when you notice that George didn't even have the conviction to advertise his girl's adventure movie as a girls adventure movie I mean this is the poster they went with and I think douchebag make blondie and Friends own have more time in the trailer than the girls do oh the marketing has to do what it takes to make money don'tcha know yes because clearly movies for girls make absolutely no money but no keep doing your thing I'm sure your method is way more effective but you know what at least while George was stinking up the theaters with this space waster that at least will be effectively drowned out by the public by Paddington in the upcoming spongebob movie somewhere else Disney was producing a far superior girl power and adventure story that wasn't nearly as cliche and trite I'm a magical princess from another dimension okay so someone made a Mary Sue for wander over yonder it's still better and now all I can say is please totes up

Channel: CellSpex

Views: 872,902

Rating: 4.8671327 out of 5

Keywords: strange magic, george lucas, star wars, lucasfilm, disney, animated film, 2015 films, animated films 2015, star vs, animation, bad animated movies, worst movies 2015

Id: B1fagEMRlT0

Length: 14min 41sec (881 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 03 2015