The hidden truth about human connection | Dan Foxx | TEDxChelmsford

you well here we are gathered together that's what we do as human beings we gather and socialize and interact not only here today in this venue but in towns that's what we do we group together if I take a look at a satellite picture of the earth at night something like America I notice on the East Coast there's New York and Philadelphia lights and Los Angeles San Francisco and Seattle lights on the west coast but vast areas of darkness pitch dark at night with no lights in between in America the politicians call those the flyover States because the only benefit of them is to fly over them to get to voters but I wondered why do we collect ourselves together like that why don't we just spread out genetically our DNA is predisposed to socialize to find someone that cares for us and then we care about to have a group of friends to work together alongside others and some endeavor this challenge of it is for me when I look at it I'm a bit saddened at times that were really bad at it we're bad at getting along just turn on the news for a few minutes and you'll see how well we as social human beings driven to connect get along why is that research shows that four million people get married and two million get divorced another 4 million get married and another different two million get divorced and we desperately love those people at one point in time cpp human capital did an international study in 2008 and they asked the question of people tell me about conflict do you have it in your life 85 percent of the respondents said yes they have conflict with other human beings at times in their life 29% nearly one-third say they have conflict with others in their life always or frequently they asked why why is there conflict between you and others 49% nearly have said it's because of personality clashes or ego as I study that I see for me I see that personality clashes is the result of ego I've had the pleasure the benefit of being able to coach about 3000 executives over the last 18 years 400 of them CEOs why is that interesting because these individuals call leaders are paid to connect paid to enroll paid to create willing followers so it's not an option for them to walk away and when I meet with him for the first time I always ask them the same question I ask is leadership a position of service or is it a position of privilege and they think about it for a moment and here's what their response looks like almost every time well I would say it's it's a position of service yes it's service politically correct answer the thing that's interesting for me I've always seen is that pause well I'd have to say it's service why the pause why is it not forefront in their mind emanating from their heart embracing the idea oh it's service oh yes its service is it ego is that a natural human condition we are driven by what we want not outwardly not consciously I don't wake up in the morning and either do you to say boy I can't wait to see what I can get today you want to also give but behind the scenes subconsciously there's a internal conversation going on around how well did that meeting go was I embraced was I heard did I matter I had to look at myself I had to say well everyone else seems to be a little bit selfish and their ego gets in the way how about you Dan so I wrote down a list of things that I stood for my motivations what am i what do I represent to the world and I wrote things like I want to make a difference in your life I want to help you succeed I want to help you matter I want to help remove the conflict that exists inside your team's and I said well that's a pretty good motive until I looked at it again closely and I noticed the first two words of every single statement was I want see I want to matter to you and I want to know I matter to you so there's something in it for me about 18 years ago I had the privilege of going to a festival outdoor festival in Lake Tahoe California and I'm walking around there's about 2,000 people there and as I'm walking about I see the face of someone I recognized it was the face of dr. Leo Buscaglia he had written 14 books spell cellars five New York Times best-selling books and he was on every talk show in the the the country at the time he was a professor at the University of Southern California and he had a class called love 101 that was totally oversubscribed all the time and I read his books and so I know that he's all about love selflessness connection and he's a big hugger I walked up to him and I said dr. Bruce Scalia my name is Dan Fox and as I reached over he recognized that I knew something about him and so he gave me a big embrace and and we parted and for the next 10 minutes that we spoke there was no one else that existed in the world for him but me it was right here complete connection other people around waiting but I was the only one that mattered at the time and I told him that often times when I'm coaching a CEO who tells me that they're having an issue or a problem I'll offer them some advice on what we should do I would say I found that this works this doesn't work and here's why it works and here's why it doesn't work and when I'm finished I notice today often times tell me well dan I heard what you said III get it I completely understand you but I would argue and they come forward with a different opinion on something else and it strikes me funny because it's like I would go and buy a guard dog and then run out in the yard and bark myself but you're paying me for this coaching and I know they have their belief system already wired by the time I hit the door their family upbringing their educational background their life experiences have them make sense of the world they've got it wired so I have an uphill battle the moment I walk in the door but I explained that to dr. Bruce Scalia as I was visiting with him and he leaned over and he said Oh Dan and put his arm put his hand to my shoulder so Dan you first have to show them the need and I knew it must be a brilliant answer but I felt like grasshopper on Karate Kid wax on wax off like I don't get it but we chatted for a moment more and we hugged again and I walked away one striking thing I'm sharing with you an experience I had that lasted 10 minutes 18 years ago and it changed my life for all the way home for three and a half hours I studied and thought about what he said dan you first have to show them the need you first have to show them the need I broke it down into one word at a time dan you have to okay it's not an option it's critical you have to first before anything else you have to show show it's not about talking not about advice not about coaching I need to show it how can I show it oh it must be present in here first I have to have it in order to show it show them the need the need what is the need we want to be heard we want to be respected we want to be followed we want to matter whether it's a leader or whether it's in a softball team or your home I have to show them the need how can I show them the need show them would mean I love you and I place you first it's not about me I remember the ego is the problem ego never creates connection with others it does always cause not only the ego of I want what I want if it ever becomes aware in my consciousness that I'm being selfish I can easily stop that but peeling the onion back deeper it's not only that it's the subconscious desire inside oh and even deeper it's even the awareness of myself see dr. Felicia Leonardo boo Scalia with me was so present with me he wasn't even aware of himself everything was focused on me for that moment and I knew I mattered so if you want to be a great leader in the home on the ball field and your office or on the job site we show them the need we show love and then they see the Delta gap between the experience they're having with you in that moment and what they experienced elsewhere and they wanted it's a magnet and in order to do that I have to surrender my ego how do I surrender my ego I can't fake it as it was said earlier today we know we all know that communication 5% of communication is words 35 37 percent of it is tone and inflection and I can't in fact control the words that I choose to select to use with you and I can change my tone and my inflection upon command and I think as a human being that if I've changed if I've selected my words properly and I've used tone and inflection correctly I'll be able to have you get something that I want you to feel from me that I may not have inside myself but over 50% is body language 50% of communication is body language micro facial muscles the rolling of the eyes and oh how easily we become dejected by someone rejected by someone and walk away if we first meet and I'm talking with you and I go I'm sorry yes that rejection it's like move on there's billions of people on the planet I don't have to make friends with Dan I can move on and so we move on because I'm thinking of me and I forget you're thinking of you and so well we're not going to be close I'll move on I'll move on and decade after decade we move on it's been stated that if we have one or two best friends in life we're lucky why is that the case why can't we have ten if we just collected a new best friend once every five years what if we had 50 really good friends 500 great acquaintances why can't we have that I need to get rid of my ego I need to be completely unaware of me in my communication with you to connect the care and love one of the interesting stories that I heard that actually came from my wife was brilliant is that there were some ladies in the church that we attend that on Monday mornings would two or three would go to a nursing home locally and they would paint woman's fingernails as a service being in service to them I think it's great that they do that I mean I'm not embracing as a man forgive me I'm not embracing the idea of connecting with another male human being by having him hold my hand and talk to me but that's just me but she goes and and does this work painting women's fingernails and and after a couple of months she came home and she described to me later that she when she's there she says I I keep thinking about what I have to do back at the house back at the office I really should be going but no I'll be a service I'll be here in being service so I'll hold a hand and I'll paint the nails and it came to holidays and she became more busy and she decided to say I need to take a break it's really too busy but after the first of the year there was something different that occurred in her heart she actually felt grateful and blessed and she wanted to give back that day and they called us said can you come back she said yeah so she went to the rest home and they said she said who should I paint the nails they said why don't you go in that room over there and talk to Estelle and see if she'd like to have her nails painted so Kathleen walked over and tapped Estelle on the shoulder and woke her up and said Estelle would you like to have your nails painted she goes oh well yeah I guess so so they rolled over to the table and Kathleen said what color would you like to use and she said well my son went to the store and brought this nail polish to me last week but I don't think I liked it and Kathleen stopped and goes oh my goodness and meant it you must feel grateful and blessed your son went to the store walk down the beauty aisle looked at the hundreds of colors chose one thinking of one you might like and then brought it here to visit with you and give it to you and she said oh I guess I am grateful let's use that color so Kathleen being a contribution selflessly in that moment found herself asking have you lived here long is your husband still alive what did he do do you have any children tell me about your life and she said it was interesting because she discovered that the conversation and the connection was so pure and so real and so cooled so giving she had to remember to come back to painting nails it used to be I paid nails and let's talk now it's let's talk and connect and oh we have to remember to paint the nails and when she came home she told me I had the best morning these stories are so incredible one lady her husband was a world war two fighter ace if we just dig a little bit and we get outside of ourselves we discover how fabulous connection can be but there's the paradox my natural back running conversation is I want but the only reason the only time I get what I want is when I give me up and I give it all away two things for me in order to surrender my ego to be present with you in a meaningful way I need to consciously folk on you to get unaware of me and I don't know where you stand in this principle it doesn't really matter I guess but what I've used for myself it also helps us as was mentioned in the last talk we have body mind and spirit my body in my mind I get it the spiritual side of my life that's something that's a little bit more difficult to lassu with your mind to master your emotions so I can't do that so once a friend told me says you take the spiritual problem and you ask for a spiritual solution look to the God of your understanding whoever that is and talk to him and he said you know God loves to hear from strangers him a call and it does work imagine what it would be like if you went home and everyone in your home put you first they sincerely lost sight of themselves and ask you how was your day tell me about it I care you see I love you right now I can say I love you and you say that's ridiculous how can you say that you don't know me I know how you felt I know you were disappointed once that pit in the stomach when you did everything right and still didn't turn out I felt that too I know you you've been betrayed someone close to you stabbed you in the back and the stab and betrayed you and that hurt that out-of-body experience where you go how could they have done that we're close I know what that feels like - oh I have empathy for you you're just like me you've had a victory where you won everything turned out better than possible and you pump your fists in the air and you walked around you can't stand it you're so exhilarated I felt that - see I know you because I know how you felt so I'm dying to get together with you and to find out the stories behind why you felt what you felt but imagine what it would be like to have your whole town putting everybody else first your job site and your workplace we can do this together just get rid of us thank you you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 121,192

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, United Kingdom, Life, Behavior, Compassion, Cooperation, Empathy, Happiness, Love

Id: 23vBLxJQk-Y

Length: 18min 29sec (1109 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 20 2015