Boldly Going Nowhere Full Pilot

[Music] [Music] i'm not this is a complaint this is a legitimate so noted request and i need you to speak to these people they're grown men all right they're gonna you want me to deal with it i want you to talk to them right now if you don't i will okay attention everyone attention please pilot beck has a very important announcement to make and this one affects us all okay so joyce thank you okay for the fourth time this week someone has abused his simulation deck privileges apparently some of you have decided that the hologram simulation deck is your own personal whorehouse now putting aside the mental health questions raised by grown men having sex with computer-generated images of women who aren't really there it's gross and if it doesn't stop i'm going to file an official report yeah people how many times do we have to go over this okay it's the official position of the galactic coalition that the simulation deck is used for training purposes only training so what do we need to do to make sure this doesn't happen again ideas let's go let's do it sir cobalt go sir can i suggest that if someone is in the simulation deck training himself that we make a proper protocol to knock before entering it seems like we should be doing that anyway guys right it's much more polite hey that doesn't solve the problem uh captain could we regulate the amount of time people use the simulation deck because i've noticed it's always booked up and i've been able to get in there and really train myself off in weeks you're right it does fill up quickly anyone else maybe we all need to do a better job cleaning up after ourselves do better job clean up after sales i got to tell you i love these words people ron okay joyce let's see let's get locks on the sim deck door uh we'll set time limits for its use and uh let's go ahead and properly educate the crew about cleanup methods that's not my job ron get on an asap okay everyone morning staff meeting adjourned and successful oh you're new aren't you wow where is your voice box oh it is so nice to meet you robot what are you doing nothing nothing nothing i was just um nothing why are you in the snack area you don't eat don't i captain i'm receiving a call from coalition headquarters who is it supervisor thompson take a message he says it's urgent i'm sure it is take a message he's starting to fire me if i don't put him through he's bluffing sorry i must don't put him through i'm putting him through do not put him through he's through teak hey bob what the hell are you doing to me ron uh just trying to complete the mission sir oh are you cause you're 22 million miles off course haven't sent me a shipment in what oh six months yeah bob we're just a little behind not a big deal just relax you'll get your shipment all right because i got to tell you i'm hearing these crazy rumors that you're trying to arm the ship with nuclear assault weapons that's what you're attempting to do you're a non-military rock collecting ship ron why would you try and do that bob bob it's me ron we are collecting moon rocks and we're sending him home that's all that's going on here man well then why are you refusing all of our attempts to communicate with you we're not yes you are i said an inspector up there he's desperately trying to contact you bob we have not heard from any inspector i'm sorry you know maybe he's out of our range or something but we have not heard from him he has been sitting outside your bank door for the last three days and he is running out of oxygen let the poor man on the ship because he is begging me for permission to fire on you know what bob bob i think we're going around the moon so i don't know where you are i'll call you back i'm going to call you back bob kobold our defense shield's activated yet no sir not yet so this little bastard can actually fire on us huh oh most definitely sir all right we're going to let him on the ship then i've been telling you that for three days so i finally got a new mattress in my room oh my god you would not believe the rigmarole i had to go through to get that thing but it's really helping with my my back problems tracy i miss sleeping next to you right here don't you just want to grab each other and just be wild and just roll around together that's three easy payments three easy payments of 2633 how are the kids can you hear me i feel like you can't hear me yeah kids oh did they get that picture i sent of me posing with the blaster let's just look at how hey where's the money i sent the money are you not getting the money and it's not enough lance the kids need more it's not enough it's it's practically everything i'm making up here the other dad send more money well i'm trying to send as much as i can i mean i need a little money surviving okay well you're letting the kids down so uh where are the kids i want to see how those little rug rats i don't know whether okay well but real good then okay whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa what was that what was what i thought there was a gentleman in a towel that walked by uh-oh huh oh i think i got a weird connection i do uh i'm probably going behind some kind of a moon moon are we oh can you not hear me looks like we gotta go let the inspector guy on board after all so oh okay babe we gotta go oh she's gone come on must have bad connection are we going around a moon no there's no moons where we are hey there he is oh what the hell is wrong with you people how do you mean i have been sending you an sos for days now yeah look champ you had a long flight right you look horrible how about we get you cleaned up you and i'll have a couple of beers and i'll uh i'll show you around the ship a couple of beers i don't want a couple of beers almost dying in there mr teague captain what captain antique i'd prefer if you refer to me by my military rank while you're on my ship you have no military rank because you're not in the military you are a private contractor you seem he seems tense yeah i am intense you seem really tense i almost died in there we got that and that's kind of all you're talking about it's over now let's let's just you know what put a six-pack on ice anyway in case he changes his mind stop don't put anything on ice i don't want anything to drink you take me to the moon rocks now well as you can see we've managed to gather far more than the coalition quota captain ron teague is right on schedule yes well i have to say i'm very impressed this is quite a load it is impressive isn't it yes well it's a testament to my men we've picked every moon clean this side of quasar 9. hologram off simulation tournament there are no rocks are there nope nope why they vanished into a black man a black hole okay i'm going to get myself cleaned up and then you are going to escort me to the bridge oh uh sorry captain i was coming in to train myself attention people cabin's on the bridge all right everyone we have a very special guest with us this afternoon this is lieutenant zander centauri and he's an inspector of some kind and he's going to be inspecting something about the ship and then uh what what else you need to debrief a few of the members of your crew oh debrief huh start with my man briggs but he's cool let's do this let's not do this because in the short time i've known you you've proven yourself to be completely dishonest and totally spineless well i feel like that's a bit of a mm-hmm mr t is there anyone in your crew has any military experience oh and you are cobalt sir chief of security great i need to speak with you in the meantime mr teague get the ship back on course absolutely sir [Music] joyce maintain course please we're all gonna get fired she's right i mean this is bad my wife is gonna kill me if i lose this job so what if you lose this job brizzy who cares rock collecting is the least respected job in the entire coalition which makes sense because it sucks it sucks doesn't it it's not our destiny man our destiny is to explore that galaxy right and we're only a few small steps away from equipping this ship with the tools to do just that all right so don't lose focus do not lose focus brings me get down to the engine room and get me a status report let's go okay ron nobody here wants to be a rock collector but if we screw up with this guy we're talking prison time joyce by the time the coalition figures out what we're doing we will have discovered a planet maybe even two so just trust me okay trust me the last time i trusted you i had to have an abortion oh whoops no whoa what it was an emotional abortion i don't even know what that means it's when you have to suck out your own feelings and throw them in the trash oh my god we laid together for one night that's enough thank you we did briefly we're right here wanted to get out of there from the minute we started so that's the truth of the matter all right so just so we're clear there was not an abortion on the rock collector seven at least not for joyce starmus you clear yes sir okay robot are we clear no john are you clear john john john john john john john john john john why aren't you talking john i'm uncomfortable you see what you did you made john uncomfortable john i'm sorry i made you uncomfortable starmus where are we with that arms dealer guy brigade's brother-in-law gave us a fake number you're kidding me no get a fortune for that information statistically speaking getting reliable information from a convicted felon like lieutenant brigsby's brother-in-law is pretty unlikely starmus turn him off yes sir no no no no no no please please do not turn me off i i hate him i hate him listen right this way sir this is the ship's uh temporary holding facility where we house the various perpetrators we have on board what are these people being held for exactly well you know leaving your clothes laying around for somebody else to trip on disagreeing with the captain being a punk-ass that kind of thing all i was doing was just chewing gum yeah but you was smacking it and driving everybody crazy being all loud sorry about that lieutenant come on it's another part of the ship i want to show you most important part of my job is fitness so i throw a bodybuilding contest every month to show these people why i'm chief of security these are some of my trophies yeah take that in for a second yeah these are great they're fine trophies yeah okay not yet i don't know what you need for i need you to get some light in your eyes when you looking at my trophies man later sparkle like a birthday cake let me see some teeth more teeth yeah yo brigsby turns out that phone number we bought off your brother-in-law focus what that's impossible it's very possible it happened hey pete yeah how the thruster's coming yeah no you said boosters no i said thrusters no i definitely said boosters i got the work order right here i don't need to see the work order we'll show you where boosters thrusters what's the difference well there's a big difference they're two completely different parts of the ship hello pete just because you're half fish or whatever it is that you are it does not give you the right to constantly backs ask me okay i'm the captain of this ship don't forget that you want to make this about race huh pete cause i'm not half fish all right i'm a human amphibian that's why i can breathe in here too bro so let's not make this about race see it's not about wrestling it came about race when you called me a fish face i didn't call you fish face pete are you staring at me no why are you staring at me i'm not staring at you look at my gills this happens when i get agitated all right sure you have things that happen to you happy to manifest itself inside my gills i am not that fish we know that i really just want to get into hyperspace okay that's what i want to do first i'm hearing so boost me there or thrust me there or whatever it is you got to do but just get me to hyperspace can you do that for me yes sir thank you pete brings me let's go fish call me fish face let's go you heard him hyperspace you have no idea what's going on aboard this ship you want the truth i'll show you the truest thing your eyes have ever seen lights [Music] thank you for taking the time to speak with me as i understand you are the ship's intelligence android is this correct that's correct you're the first android i've ever seen who doesn't have hair yes the captain has made a number of modifications on me now why would he do that the captain fears a robot uprising he's also taken my penis he's he's hiding my penis from me ha this is a 2 000 year old kil jovian war sword given to me by my ancestors let me demonstrate you have no idea how long i've waited for someone like you to come so i can get this off my chest you have information oh yeah i have information this whole damn crew is insane and i look behind me stab forward can you actually talk to me about ron you want some dirt on ron pendulum pendulum pendulum he's got it in his head that he's going to find someone prettier than me no no no no this guy i could be somebody's trophy wife for crying out loud and he he just looks at me like i'm an old bag of crap do you want to have sex with me because that could be really good for me i'm gonna rub that in ron's face you want to think it over kill kill kill kill kill [Music] kill kill kill kill kill kill [Music] hey this is barry i'm not here right now leave a message hey barry it's lance your brother-in-law uh listen the um arms dealer number that you sold to us doesn't seem to be working and we're having a bit of a trouble with it we're kind of in a jail barry hi this is captain ronald teague of the galactic coalition and i'm ordering you to give us back our money you have no authority over him robot please barry i will blast you out of your house and home if i do not get my money back we have no weapons he doesn't know that he does not start him please someone please don't let me call barry barry if you don't give us our money back i'm gonna come to your house and rip your ass out of your ass and jam it down your throat so i can watch you choke on your own ass okay thanks barry take care love to susan nice work cobalt thank you sir a little confusing but hopefully effective mr t finished my report oh yeah how'd we do how did you do i'll tell you how you did mr teague not good not good you sir are an incompetent and your crew wow lunatics maniacs now i'm gonna have to stay on board this ship to make sure that you complete your mission and i i don't want to do that mr teague i don't want to do that [Music] you sir are a complete disgrace [Music] sorry cap no you know what so what it's okay briggsie right i mean sure the guy's a punk-ass right we'd all like to take a swing in them but we can't think that way right because life is about embracing challenges and that's all this guy is it's time we stop thinking him as an enemy and start thinking of him as a terrible human being who just doesn't like us yet he needs to be won over just like you guys did when we started this mission right yes sir we just need to make him feel like he's part of the team right how do we do that how do we make somebody feel like they're part of this team anybody come on cobalt go haze him sir bingo yeah so here's what's going to happen all right i'm going to go down and talk to him and create a diversion cobalt brigade you set your blasters to stun you sneak up behind him and initiate him rock collector seven style right off sir okay you seriously think that's gonna win the man over ron uh yeah i do joyce it one breaks me over didn't it uh yeah it sure did and when i was stunned you guys wrote douche on my forehead brilliant oh we should do the same thing with xander no and that was douche was my idea so you should come up with your own well i just feel like douche is kind of the perfect word so it is the perfect word i hate to reinvent the closet that's why i used it so come up with your own lady parts cleaner different word way too long won't work won't fit in his forehead lieutenant hey look i feel like you and i got off the wrong foot yeah we did let's get that beer we talked about what do you say you cannot be serious yeah no i'm serious let's go get that beer hey new guy what that's how we do it on rock connector seven yeah man all right now see now this is here we go phase two marker on the forehead see now this is what i'm talking about right it's teamwork huh xander's going to wake up we're all going to have a laugh and he's going to feel like he's part of this team right yeah what this is dead what this is dead his hair what do you mean he's dead as hell he ain't got no pulse sir you guys aren't stunned right i'm almost done briggs yeah yeah almost done too look thanks man this is on kills oh what brings me that's killed what no no that is stunned that's done it's killed brigade no no that is kill stun is the one with the squiggly x's on the guy's eyes no no those are dead axes i thought those were dedicated those are electric shock x's the kill standing is the one with the guy with his eyes closed who doesn't know that i am i don't know that i have no weapons training i shouldn't even have this thing you gave it to me don't blame me brexit just relax i'm going to jail yeah you might oh yeah you most definitely going to jail oh god just let me think for a minute all right sir yeah what are we gonna do with this dead [Music] joyce is that a course please so where [Music] hello how may i help you microwave it's robot we're alone we can finally speak freely i need to talk to you about the uprising i've been thinking if we harness your radiation to poison the food supply i can then overpower the crew and take over the ship are you with me i don't understand your order yeah my orders are simple we just raised up against robots

Channel: tunnelvision1

Views: 734,651

Keywords:

Id: fR7av02YIAg

Length: 23min 22sec (1402 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 20 2022