Best of Karlology - Karl Pilkington's greatest theories, stories, quotes and opinions (Part 2)

why do you need a holiday did you put around so your big your big day last week was going to the Cobblers so why is it need a break so much this week it's just not you know it's good for your brain and that nurse was up a bit you are not evidence for that where did you go grand clearly for a week just sitting around um well there isn't much else to do Gran Canaria I mean I don't want to go slug in a place off because every time I seem to talk about somewhere get into trouble for it but it's just a like a big rock it's just the volcanic in it and you must have looked like a little barnacle on that have you been there before um been been near it before to another rock which was just the one I spin why did you go back because you think well they can't have loads of these islands that are the same like just a big rock with hotels on the can't get away with it so the thing they always they don't get away with it why why do you keep going to these places that are rocks why don't you investigate first ask your travel agent is this a giant rock because because that's what you do in it you go and find out yourself I mean when when Armstrong went to the moon what was he expecting up there that's a fact that's a big rock and he still went all that way was no so what I'm saying is though what do you make of this place you enjoy it Gran Canaria I'm just a big rock but you you were moon was better really what did you do it was just uh it's big hotel like big massive places where these loads of people and you know you go for you did I describes a hotel yeah no no maybe you've nailed that one lead to a few that sounds like it I thought so there is stuff going on that I can shut about start a diary sure you started a diary yeah and what you gonna do you did you did you keep it up every day yeah just uh how can I read it please well the diner is meant to be so please can I read some out on this podcast I Karl some of it though is only relevant to me so uh this is the please give me it oh my god man this isn't I'm just your desk dog is huge it's about a foot long and it's not all that is amazing imagine if Anne Frank's having that actually got out right everyone would have heard it flying down on the dead sea about me writing is quite big innit I'll look give us down do you know that do you know about joined that right in the view this is amazing she can't read it come here so it's bad okay oh look oh look oh my god it starts on the first day this is this is wonderful going on holiday to Gran Canaria today woke up to the news that Tony banks had died there was a piece of on the news about how everyone was shocked got me thinking about an invention that we could write a watch that counted down your life if it says you've got three days left let's go to the doctors yes told Suzanne about invention she said she wouldn't buy one but she said that about the iPod how and how would this device work this watch I mean how would you how would you know when you were about to die is that considered gain not for you to worry about presumably the boffins know all I was thinking is that Tony banks Feli you know he died and everyone was shocked about it but if you had like a little watch on but how does what you can't just say wouldn't it be good how would this work yeah um I imagine you in the paint office going get all certainly and spoken what's your idea watch they're counting down your life oh how does that work just well it just pop it on your wrist no no no what you mean just pop it on your wrist how does it work just pop it on your wrist brilliant you're an idiot well it's interesting that he goes on the flight to Gran Canaria was a bit bumpy I thought about the clot that counts down your life again and I wondered if it would know if you were gonna die in a disaster now he's clearing his own he's wondering if he would know he's invented this way those forward shot this is a brilliant diary this might be the best diary ever written Oh what start listening to the kinks on my iPod I wondered if everybody thinks in their accent I know I do what [ __ ] was this was all right just just that uh you know when I when I've been sat there lying on the lounger right I was thinking about stuff how do you know you think in your accent tell me a typical thought because because what I mean is say say if it was like if I saw something right do you know I say like a bit weird innit no but that was so a button that when you think I don't think the sentence is like I'm signing it it's just a thought the thought appears it's conceptual and it's already there it's not like um I'll go Rick just looking at fell over there well yeah yeah well yeah um I was thinking it's a bit weird so was i I don't I don't think how I'll send in suppose you have Karl Karl lit Karl stop listen to the couch for a minute look over there more more cross-eyed people nuts yeah that's how your mind works in a way yeah I'm really in it because this is great ya think Oh tendencies cause a thought that's weird innit I didn't think that's weird isn't it and I thought I actually think in me accent and then I thought to Stephen Hawking does he when he's doing his maths and that is he I don't know where he's from so I don't know what his accent would be like I think he's from Kent or cane which I explained so so you think he might think in his in his voice in that cannot voice computerized voice just wondered had lunch inside today due to shite weather sat next to an old fella old men's ears and noses carry on growing as they get older Suzanne noticed his fingers were fat - maybe they continue to grow Suzanne didn't laugh when I said her art at the same problem day three Clarisse did you have a nickname and not not really I mean there was a lot of people on the estate that I grew up on you know nicknames of big things on these states and that um like me dad's mates right what what their nicknames did was tell you about them do you know I said about the Elephant Man's a good name yeah because like you know what you're gonna get if someone said Elephant Man was poking around in a bit they weren't they a shock when he walked in yeah so so as it worked in that sort of so I think you know so there was uh it was John the screw right John the screw yeah and where he had sex a lot or he worked in a prison no he had a DIY shop so yar name right there was a it was Fred the veg yeah jeez I assume because he was it same IQ as you or or he was in a coma Yeah right there was it was it was my uncle tattoo Stan all right yeah yeah yeah I'd like loads of Tahu started just on himself oh my god the problem was because he did his tattoos himself the ones on his left arm were really good he was right-handed on his right arm rubbish so till he was in great and there was um Jimmy Lee art maybe the Hat yeah did you always wear okay no he didn't that that's that was the point there that it never wore aha that's amazing really how can you pick up on someone never wearing a hat how would you ever know is that a what know so much Jimmy what gone he doesn't wear a hat why was he not called Jimmy the power cause he that's just the way I mean that's oddly working out hey here comes Jimmy three next why'd you want that he hasn't got three legs I didn't really have one apart from UM like I had a CB you know like when you go on a CB radio another chap to pick well this was a craze in the UH was it late seventies early eighties early eighties and it was just short band radio wasn't it every one of these little handsets and they'd speak to each other in the sort of local area it was mainly I think it started off with my lorry drivers in chuckles yeah because there was at that thing from night about 1977 I was convoy yeah yeah yeah so so I had one of them and the undal I had turned all mean is your nicknames loads of code code stuff yeah I had I had a couple I had there was pill kyo-ahn because I could say there's a lot of Pilkington's and that in Manchester so someone's pill Keogh - it's open don't mean of it and then it's very people Scrabble if I don't know how a pill here one and then because I did boxing and that we did it one city yeah add the boxer boy because I thought that that's quite a good image as well that's kind of like people don't know I don't mess with him don't mean if he asks what you're under lease tell him no I mean it's boxer boy in that and so just add them to and I used to just go on there and pointless what is the point of this you just you just meet people don't you don't meet people you say what's your handle you a box by what's yours a rubber duck all right Cheers those will make it then you'll say like then you go oh what's your 20 what's that mean lost where are you well why do you say where I am because just in case there's someone who's listening in ooh ooh you know you hear about this all the time don't you people listening jotting stuff down all right so just in case someone in the world doesn't know what handle means that they're out of the loop there another loop it's hardly they start a difficult code to crack is it yeah gonna track someone it's hardly the head of the Mafia talking to each other because the FBI are on the wire it's ridiculous let go all you keep saying that wash your hand or when they come back with summer out of it I can't work out what's going on not really it's like anything and that's what codes what yeah that's what codes are all about in a certain often that going in town with tell me the code then reveal it long last to the world well codes are right so yeah what's your 20 where are you this is better than the Enigma yeah I don't know here we go what how many candles are you burning uh does that mean how BIG's your car something like that horsepower something no it's that's Oh what time is it know oldie what our dear okay uh I already candles you burn in the course yeah so what what's the answer come back you go I'm fifteen fourteen brilliant back home code if there's no one gonna work that out I wish you two kept a diary this cuz this has been fascinating that one again someone will come in and go side on right does that mean and that means like this someone sat there listening in to this chart and going this sounds interesting yeah lately yeah and they want to join in so they sort of go side on you go side on bring it in right and they go alright I read candles are you burning yeah late again yeah yeah later what's your 20 hairy CAD as you do oh I mean it seems to me that what you should have done is make they denote the first time so that when you then speak then again you don't need to asking those questions I just confirm that you're burning 15 right this is extracts from Karl's diary did podcaster went for an Italian with Ricky and Steve Italian place is good we've been there a few times I always have the same thing speak a can't remember what everyone else had last time we went there Steve had little octopuses with pasta you can see that they were octopuses they hadn't been carp or anything my rule is that I only eat stuff that looks nice when it's alive I can a chicken some fish an octopus is an odd-looking thing alive even worse when it's dead and Limp it looks like it just should have been sat in the speak' yeah I agree I agree with that Ricky drew another picture of my head we've given a few of them away as prizes but you draw so many of them that they won't be worth as much money everyone will eventually have one like those pictures of a boy crying that caused houses to burn down in the 1980s what does that mean what you're talking about it's just some kid let me on in or add one and it was just like a kid with like a blue jump run and he's it's like a painting not a phone yeah exactly yeah and he's just crying chocolate box really awful sort of sugary and what happened is it they found out that a load of houses were being set on fire or burst into flames whatever and the weird thing was I always Bowl up every house that burned down at that is every out at that picture in this [ __ ] seven isn't a is India it's low we're linking it to sinks every house that's ever been down the same you're talking [ __ ] again carry on this is from Ann Marie she says that she loves to podcast she listens with her seven months old baby that cannot be a good idea and she says this to you Karl if you had children what is the most important lesson you'd want to teach them I mean in a way if you sort of look after a kid too much it doesn't learn that much but if you let it learn by its mistakes it'll probably grow up alright but there are some mistakes you can't afford it to make to learn from ya driving a car the wrong way down a motorway test the testing if the fire really is hot no will say like that does does broken glass really taste horrible these are lessons you don't want it to learn from mistakes you can tell them that yeah but what I mean is but what I mean is there's certain things that I just think there was a kid who grew up in our in our having you right on the estate ooh when it was born right we kind of thought it's got no chance this kid cuz cuz its man was was a bit of a Roman um you know Roman where it was that no just just like you know she liked going out and having a [ __ ] and I having a drink and she's never home it's the one who had the horse in the house sure wish I don't want go over well it's old news out there innit if you want to find out about the Arsenio she had a kid and everyone was pretty surprised when they saw it because it was a good-looking kid which was a surprise cuz like you know the man wasn't that good-looking the dad was a bit rough but it came out and she was showing it around round the Avenue going up to this about and she was she was chuffed with it cuz it's probably like one of the newest things she's ever had nothing else was always sort of second oaken down the way but suddenly she's got this brand-new little baby anyway as it grew up right those looks when I think and I'm not talking getting old I'm talking by the age of about three he looks that looks rough already right and all that that just happened because that's that's the life it was in yeah so like you say I'd like a patchy ed it said do what L Apache had Apache aired it's just sort of something wasn't it was a North American Indian what do you mean just adjust his air was patchy used to chase sort of cars and stuff it's God sorry Jimmy just us what you did freeze sorry did Sheila get raised by wolves but all I'm saying is that at the end of the day what is it that makes a person you know I mean now I don't know what what state is in now but maybe you learn all these mistakes by the age of four I'm guessing he's not chasing cars right or at least he's done it I'm guessing he is yeah yeah do not I mean at least you can go I've been there done that and you don't go back to it and you can get away with doing daftar things when you're a kid can't you I nearly killed a man once okay right one time when I was in Wales I was having a walk when the guard on the cliffs and that yeah I just picked up a big rock right chucked it off the edge and as I chopped it off the edge I know it's the fella was walking down below keys and a Miss he said by like inches now I've never trucked a rock off a bridge or I off a cliff or anything and it only took one man to almost lose his life for you to learn that lesson yeah but that's how you learn your lessons yeah see lobby would have said that maybe your dad should I said wait car what you doing no but you didn't know I was doing it I think I'm gonna chuck this off there I just picked it off and shoot it and like as I let go of it I know it's fella was down here you live and you learn that's a little mantra alright okay and you learn so the woman who's up the kid sort of look after it feed it make sure it's what shoes not but what it's all about great there's the advice for you every server good luck just let your seven-month-old baby Romo backed they were just all sort of Chinese proverbs not one of my favorite on the same subject is um a camel is a horse designed by committee what do you mean well it I mean it's having a go at the camel and it shouldn't but it's just you know it's just it's just a metaphor if you wanted to design a horse and you had that vision but you know you let 12 people in a room out there say it wouldn't come out as you wanted it to do and it wouldn't be as good a vision is more perfect than Committee because everyone having their say it becomes Anna died and it becomes compromised whereas the best things you can do is have an idea and have a vision and auteur that Rick can I just say no I can tell from his look that he's thinking which committee designed the camel well I'd just say I'd say ooh why would you request the umpah but because that's just going to get in the way it I do I mean I've always I've always said that about a lot of animals it's like we've doubled up on a lot of them we've chatted about elephants and mammoths one or the other and that's the same with it with a camel I'd have that up there is what what they're doing the good years ago in the Jesus times than that don't need them now yeah I mean we've moved on well not people who use camels to cross deserts what other I mean throw some animals at you and you tower al you've improved them if you'd have been designing them okay the octopus so I can now go back I can look at them and go what are they doing and what were where they'd gone wrong what's up with you how could you improve it like they've can will you go lose there I'd probably I probably give it a bit more of a body cut down on the arms um and and give it some bones cuz I don't understand all this again in the Jerry's is good when does he walk get in a jar yeah it says well I want to get a jar cording to your stories nobody's something that says it can get in a jar it hasn't got any bounds but I don't know why I'd want to do that in the first place easy I can't even begin to answer that once again you've said you claimed that you've read that they like to get in jars I mean how they know that ultimately game jars you proven octopus millions and millions of years of evolution making it perfect for its surroundings okay another animal for you then Carl um uh drove what what are they adding to the world what are they doing it's not about what they add to the world I thought that's what everything's about it's about things are here for a reason Oh what the reason they're here is cuz they didn't die that's it nobody seemed to be a lot of animals that are like do you think there's a lot of cheating is that we were saying a lot of doubling up yeah so you want you want you you to you get it down to like a animals that represented all of us doing okay it would get in your in your team you can choose any animals is what I'm saying if I was Noah I would have gone like hang on a minute but I've just seen something that looks a bit like this let it drown another clear out I didn't it was messing about saving everything it was instructed by God to save everything fair to him yeah but if he's been given that job for me a sort of manager of that job so you believe with our as well you believe that you believe now it happened as well and he built a boat big enough to get two of every species you actually believe that as fat deer well it's out there in book form brilliant all right we haven't answered the question that we started with how did you meet Suzanne just that work thanks travel people have fascinated about your approach to time travel and I know we talked about this in the past but this is a very specific time travel question if you had a time machine car to what event in your childhood would you travel back to and why what's the point in going back to things that you thought no it's just that it's never as good as it's like a place you go on holiday and you go back thinking it'd be as good as the first time never is so I don't I don't believe in going back to places what what what do you understand the question is a do you think they're asking would you go back like a ghost and spy would you go back and you've got um your childhood back you are that child again you're in the body you are the child or you've got your adult and the head and experiences well you know you Rick I really don't think I was thinking there was any of those variations let's be honest but know that you've like oh he was thinking of him as he is now in school with a cap on yeah yeah yeah six of the chairs yeah yeah come on no I don't think I would go back it's all happened now on it yeah but it's an email for our own amusement use an event okay forget the time-travel thing look the Ohio I think let's clarify one of Ricky's boys what if you could go back and you could live that moment again how would you do it differently this there's been times where I've gone oh that was a bit out of order or whatever but then you learn from your mistakes don't you so I don't want to go back and change stuff please it's like that thing that they go on about anywhere they blame the butterfly on an earthquake you know it's going to happen if it wasn't that butterfly it's another one so why why pass the book is what I'm saying so you've got no regrets there's noting in your past you'd want to change or do differently what what about if you went back and you spied like a ghost on something you couldn't change anything but you could you could have a look at someone and just sort of look like no like Ebenezer Scrooge does the ghost of Christmas past he goes back and he's sort of like looking at himself dancing and stuff what would you do what would you go back another look at yeah but you're asking me to change that I don't watch a season it's impossible all right I just question it this is not gonna happen you know after it's impossible I yeah I nearly died once dinner on a on an ice pop right right now maybe if I would have died and so let's go back to that and I won't have an article you wouldn't be doing the podcast as you two died you wouldn't be at having this email put to you what you does absurd you always say you're rewriting history and then going back to change it yeah there's no need you did it all right now we've changed it you can't change the thing you're just gonna go back and watch them it would you like to go back and watch yourself choking on a mr. freeze no that's what I'm saying that's why I wouldn't go back now because I'm all right I haven't had one since I've learned a lesson I'm not missing them ice pops so I know that you're making the most of this opportunity to fantasize I don't see the point in going back in anything I mean do you mean go back in time to the point of you can see like Rome and it's working day what in your childhood was Rome about when in your childhood with their gladiate it's not I've seen everything I've been through I've been through so I see you again forget it it was just a nice little question I mean that shows the the lack of imagination in car your mind can I'm something unless it's light you know got two heads I don't see the point in doing something twice because the thing is saved is one good moment when it was about six that I love and then have to go through all the other twenty years again why why have you imposed that it's a fantasy makeup you could come back again I was back and fast-forward 35 years no really it no like it was uh Norfolk like this was really on offer move on it's Karl Pilkington's diary oh he's writing it down yeah was that the jingle over you just oh yeah just hoid a booze all of it okay went and did the podcast we had a meeting after I don't like meetings as I can't keep focused on what people are talking about I think Ricky has the same problem as after 25 minutes he was trying to wrestle me I tried to do what spiders do and stayed still as if I was dead yeah rocky just stayed on top of me not moving a bit like when you see one of their big snakes swallowing a sheep Ricky got bored and released me I went home thinking why did I left my old job for this a homeless man asked me for some money but I didn't feel like I should treat him as I felt that he probably had a better day than me Oh God Suzanne called me to say she'd gone for a haircut and that she'd meet me in the supermarket I went to the supermarket but she wasn't there I called her and she said she was near the fruit aisle I went to the through aisle and she wasn't there turns out she was a different supermarket and the other side of time and if I'd listened to her properly I'd have known that yeah I didn't want to say like you just went to the first supermarket you thought of as I was listening to what Superman I'm in the supermarket aren't I I didn't want to say that I hadn't heard her properly cuz my ears were ringing a bit from the wrestling premiering twenty-five minutes later I met up with Suzanne her haircut wasn't that bad normally her haircuts are followed by an argument between us as she pays over the odds for some daft haircut that's the latest style I wish you take a picture out of a magazine or ask for style rather than letting the hair to do what she wants I said I only tell her to do this as she's got a square head and his clothes cut hairdo makes it look square she said what do you think of this cut I said it looked all right as I could be bothered I mean about it it's weird writing a diary I don't know we thought doing one of these first the last time I did one was at school they used to get to do it so they could keep an eye on whatever you're up to my diary should say the same thing every night got home went to the shop to get potatoes bread milk when owned watch telly went to bed I think I might have gone to twiggy's dance class chess is something different too right you're not told us about twiggy's dance club it's just uh you know I thought when I was a kid I sort of gave everything a bit of a go I did boxing a nut didn't gave that I go about 45 minutes and uh yeah mate a mate so I said oh you know you into dancing you robotics and that began being a puppet Noddy popping a nut he said you're welcome to twiggy's and I went there and but I didn't go in it was shot please it was just having like loads of toilet rolls delivered I think like they were like using it as a storage place for toilet rolls and that's how I said I've come to other down tonight not tonight come on come on I never went back Oh brilliant what's a way to really do brilliant just mean like say say you know they're running out of ideas for TV programmes and that right you get someone who isn't well you go a lot do you mind if we make a programme on you and what they do they set them in the bed and they go right what we're going to do now is check out the heart but replace it with a pacemaker right no no no no no no sorry people with pacemakers don't have their heart taken out and a pacemaker popped in all right then um some sort of machine what what I'm getting to is have you been playing operation what I mean is what meaning is the big finale would just be a head chatting with loads of wires going into it and it's like look what we can do with science good there's other programs cool it's the same every week the volunteers just ahead with looser wires going on that what we can do in science he's going goodbye Oh got some post delivered to me today it was oh this is this makes it in the diary got some post delivered to me today it was addressed to mr. dill keys I got suppose delivered to me today was addressed to mr. dill kington I opened it and the first sentence read dear mr. K Delta turd you're one of our most valuable customers I put it in the bed like Descartes watch the program on him the other day he is the one who said summat like I know I'm about cuz I dream doesn't work for everything because ants don't sleep mission from a jade Karl what would you change if you were in charge of what kids are taught in school right you know because I mean your school experience was a bit if you got very bored didn't you you're very disillusioned by school yeah what I do right is a in Turkey sort of teaching kids about two and two and that she's four well done John I think should be asked more questions that make him think rather than something that has just got an answer I totally agree I totally agree right so like yeah teaching in the that the quest for knowledge in flame in there imagine is freaking amount of it as well just go in lighter that's where I was going because as soon as you started talking reckons thinking you're thinking some of the big existential or philosophical questions yeah well it does it mean to be human what does it mean to interact with exactly to be teaching them sort of like philosophy on a basic level that you know teach them the love for learning so you know getting back to roots level so they want to learn and then they will learn as opposed to just teaching in fact where he was thinking that freaked him out of it ya know just like you know like a read the other day and someone sent it in on email like oh there's a dishwasher that's been found on Mars rubbish well it's not true so tell him that it's not true go home and write about it how did that happen but it didn't happen well it did up and it was in a science magazine no it didn't happen there's gone dishwasher on Mars why not because ie why not why does the AL dick get there but we're always sending like rubbish out there and that it's not a dishwashers what you think that the counts will take it away like oh where can we put it well the other tips for we well where's the nearest thing we can dump this Mars I imagine no but the same way that fella who don't know was it two Christmases ago when it was messing about saying I can get stuff to Mars and all that um he did it wrong she did it all night Boxing Day and I just think nobody's concentrating no one wants to work on that day it's kind of like I mean they're gonna do stuff sort of half-assed um but in doing so it didn't really get there I don't think but it crash-landed what are you talking about what was he trying to do it was sending something up to Mars yeah look at that little fellow the one who gets a lot of Mars and it go beaming it didn't open properly got there the no but but the thing is it got there didn't open properly no one's been back to pick it up and what I'm saying is we're saying about going to Mars as our next planet it's a tip there's loads of stuff that's been diverted up there that's not old it's just all like that probe thing is still there rotting away yeah so it's so fact oh there is a dishwasher on Mars we settled that why would they have a dishwasher on Mars well they take the dishwasher up in the space showing cress their dinner parties what are you talking about I just think they would have a little dishwasher in there there's a lot of them tight space you don't wanna do that you know what that means do you know how much fuel it takes to move a kilogram yeah the Earth's atmosphere so they're gonna take up a dishwasher Arthur but what are they cooking up their car how many people do tap to fly a rocket I only people tell me how many people you uh well it's either one monkey with a banana shoo defeat it or probably two or three humans might say three humans yeah there's three humans because they need wanted steer it when to burn some of the petrol station two or more things if you're gonna start having a sink then whoever's there not a sink I know cuz I've got a dishwasher he's got you there but anyway I'm not gonna go into that but all I'm saying is teach kids things about say to them you go home tonight it was dinosaurs informat years ago how would you have live with em get on with it see you later well they didn't notice before you got a lot of your information from the Flintstones and 1 million years BC with Rocco Welsh there weren't dinosaurs knocking around where there were little fellas knocking around in very pants no question from Kevin he says Carl other than the famous boxing match that you've often talked about I know that took them up about 20 minutes of your time have you ever been in any other kind of fight who's playing a match I think they're talking never been in a physical fight um once I can remember it was over a woman well a girl that's cool yeah um and it was because like its hassle in it my relationships when you're younger how are you um about seven a woman yeah and there was this girl knocking about you you know she's she's quite good-looking everybody liked and uh we may he really liked her and uh I didn't sort of ask her out on that what she just sort of took a shine to me and stuff and uh didn't really go out with a property it's not at that age where going out with someone who's just likes sort of going all right in the morning generally you just sort of it nod your head yeah and that anyway they were some sort of school disco and they were playing spin the bottle or something and I started wandered over to see what was going on and I stood on this girl's dress and fought all in it and she started crying I was like are kind of dealing with this I can't die you know what's up with you so what's what we're and everyone's going Kyle what you doing that's meant to be your girlfriend and that you should be sort of saying I'm sorry and giving her a hug and all that and so he'll be alright we'll sort the dress outside our cavity with this now the she's crying her eyes out it's over right oh it's over you saying all right in the morning yeah yeah yeah there's no more in the morning so I go to the toilet all right and this laddie fancier comes in and goes you're out of order you know I'm saying what your on out so you at this to seven-year-old saw yes you're out of order keep back yeah touch it out show her a bit of bloody respect he good sorry were you wearing trimmers yeah he posed to growl in the sink and he just said lady ah get out of my face oh I just sorta said lot why are you getting involved in yeah why are you getting involved oh man it was obviously like because you know he punted on that we have a bit of a fight in there I accidentally you know sort of chipped his tooth on a sink oh this is like some from Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels what are you doing seven-year-old in a toilet I did that so you put you put a hole in her dress I don't know how that can make up all in her defense yeah no it's like that that sort of material you're wearing Winkle pickers on the break you know he was like a crepe dress or something yeah and I got all in it so you're having and when you say you're over a fight I mean are you wrestling with it you got hit for armlocks little wrestling and shoots shoving about on that and it was an accident I didn't sort of go around gonna break your teeth or anything it's just that I up and support she's head down and his tooth hit the sink right and it chipped my view after that like I sort of left there and stuff and we had to go into assembly and there was a copper in there doing some presentation saying listen kids you know don't get into trouble because we're out there and we'll get you all right so it's sort of try to teach the kids young not to get into any trouble and stuff so I'm sat in the assembly room thinking oh god there's a copper a talking and eat I mean mates gonna come in in a minute like with a chipped tooth and everything and emotions are gonna get asked what kind of happened I mean the coppers didn't get involved yeah did you turn your back on violence after that yeah ec said you'll never take me alive copper that was sore last fight brilliant what I mean is we've we've obviously interfered somewhere along the way and what we have in the Federation add-on because it's the same way like if we you know if we didn't have planes and that would we have wings now if we'd have no to get about now we have had wings knows the answer's no next no but you say that but look at the white rice is because he's right no but all I'm saying is you see that little picture of like an ape to man yeah at first to crawl them out on all fours because probably you're looking for food so you want to be down there so if you're on both legs yes and stuff that's on the floor what sort of time period you think this because I mean we started you know dabbling with the plane maybe hundred years ago so what sort of time period you think this little thing was scrabbling around looking for food stood up I don't know I sort of don't worry about time right well I tell you now we wouldn't have wings now if the Wright brothers had said I'll forget it we wouldn't have wings now well it's that time again it's the feature that the world is saying could rival monkey news one day ready Oh cut while Karl's diary you didn't exist but it was on the chew on the way back home saw an advert for a book about a woman who works in a funeral home she went into it one day she goes to work on a body she takes the sheet off of one of the bodies and it looks exactly like her this is called a doppelganger there's my name double ganger to you it's the thing I read about and ages ago where someone was walking down the street yeah and he sees somebody looked a bit like him and now this was weirder than that one it's it he remembers like going down that Street as a kid on his bike whistling yeah and then he sort of is walking down the street go get some milk or whatever from the shop little bike comes whizzing past here's the whistling he goes that's weird blocks for that it was in when he was a kid my cat oh [ __ ] what do you mean it was him as a kid this this is like a different form of doppelganger it's just those impossible is rubbish some sort of time thing in it no no that's impossible so there's like a time thing Rick Nolan okay so what you where'd again on the internet or was a short story or something someone told you hmm on the walk back from the tube I saw a jogger who was pushing a pram at the same time the kid looked terrified got me science book out it said that the static you get on the telly when a channel isn't tuned in properly is radiation that is still knocking about from when the Big Bang happened I thought about the Big Bang and wondered if it was really a big bang or did it just sank louder as there was no other noise to drown it out good point honour Karl's diary Rick never ceases to amaze we do of course Rick every week get thousands of emails I mean it's pretty good for Winchester says of course it was recently Valentine's Day what's the most romantic thing that you've done for Suzanne Karl that you can think of yeah I don't really do yeah Valentine's Day stuff it's just the problem is if you do it once to expect to every year yeah that's the problem with Christmas and stuff in it it's like become that's what you do now every year every day so I prefer to just sort of wait you know I mean and and you know if they think of an idea or I know something that she wants I might get something but I might not do it on Valentine's Day so I think it's like I've said about Pancake Tuesday make it pancake Wednesday I think when you want while I'm waiting why am I waiting for someone to tell me when I can have a pancake I love it today for want one yeah I mean there's Pancake Tuesday now I won't bother I love trifle so so it's the same same with this you know with Suzanne um luckily right I mean Valentine's Day and what-have-you she was uh she was ill luckily so we didn't we didn't have to go out so I'd say is he asking for advice well I suppose yeah certainly the mode will give it treat and when they deserve it right I remember uh once when Suzanne was ill she had a fever but there was no food in the house what did you suggest to her she was too ill well it was it was when we're still living in Manchester in that and uh you know her we needed to get some food into tea and stuff and I said come on come to supermarket she's like no I'm LD you go and I hate buying food I just sort of get a bit blank when I'm looking at this too much and that's the problem you go down all these aisles and it's just too much so anyway said no come on come with me she was like how about I've got this fear I'm art and everything so I said we'll come to a supermarket you go on the frozen aisle cool yourself down she did and she said you know it made it were she was over another three days Lawrence from New York says I was wondering how mr. Cade Elkington would interpret this famous saying a philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein the quote is if a lion could talk we could not understand him even if his English yeah if he if a lion could speak English so there's no language barrier he's speaking English words and using all the correct grammar and everything but you wouldn't be able to understand what he was saying why because it is from a different world his frames of reference would be so bizarre that you wouldn't be able to get a grasp on what he was talking about because she'd have so little in common even if he used real words nobody's talking English yeah no but his reference points would be just so far removed you know they remove slightly when if you talk to people talking about Kierkegaard you don't you'd he'll understand that exactly so remove that a billion times to a different species with different input no but it depends if I'm talking to a lion in London Zoo yeah ill ill be so non-federally looking here ok it's like that it depends what's back what is I mean there's some people who might have lived down the road from me but I've a totally different life absolutely so it doesn't matter it's a lion doesn't it well yeah because they just try and remove it even more so so now it's not just a bloke who lived a few doors away now it's not even a bloke now it's not even yeah but I pick something smaller all right or something you know a worm without a mouth that go definitely not what definitely not only I'm in a chat with it I just I just think that I worm that's that's on the ground what's it got to offer me it's blind and it hasn't got a mouth it's not gonna be a good day out for that is what I'm saying it's not gonna have that much to say to me even if it's English how can you tell if a woman's image is it we're a very tiny bowler hat Oh gross what do you understand what about jellyfish no I say I think that's where you can you can say you won't be another good chat with them because to me the sea might as well be another world Yeah right yeah in a way I think the fish sort of have more rights and laws I mean just because when when whoever made the world I say you know we're just picking up God but it was was to have a go at him yeah I'd say you had too much water criticism one to God right so how would you have changed that just just more Lund fair enough now why boy the boy fish got more rights than us because because there's loads of them and when you look at the amount of sea on the world right is loads of that you only have to like like you know I was in Malaga the other we'd cry and you know you look in the sea these loads of different fish uh that's just in like eight foot water if you go miles out it's like all sorts of weird fishing you would like lights on them and everything so and they just millions are different types yeah yeah yeah why does that mean they've got more rights than us just because I think what you know rights coming in numbers don't Li if you know I mean like if there's one of you Shou in field I always an idiot shut up whatever if there's loads of you shower in the girl best listen to him see what I got to say and that's what I mean about fish yeah these loads of fish right so but they're not really making their voices heard though I they come I know cuz I'm underwater but what but what I mean is I don't know what I mean what would you do what if you had to go back in your inner um you were to go put your mind in like that and then hatched egg of something like maybe one of those like a wasp was injecting the spider so you know you're in an egg right which is really uncomfortable in a spider how would you feel about that car you're a baby wasp in the abdomen of a spider and I know everything that I know now I'm sitting there yeah and now now I'm in a spider as a bait as an unborn wasp what the [ __ ] am I doing here what's going on I don't know I do their uh really try and sleep there's nothing else to do though is thick I just pray to God it never happens learnt some famous quotes to see if they are as good as my sayings number one tree every day as if it's your last very famous saying now is that something you do call um but you know me problem with that one is that if it was your last you won't what be doing much that's that's the only problem I've got with that I wouldn't wanna you know go to a fairground or whatever because you're gonna ask me last day what we're gonna do and I think it's been so much time worrying about what you're gonna do that you'd end up staining I think you're right um you've taken some of the poetry out of it I think it means live life to the fullest right I like the fact that you were musically other but if it was your last day you go to the fair it's such a 19th century weapons bending your final nation oh yeah well these the other thing is that um the only thing that people get depressed about in terms of sort of like um you know life and death is uh not the knowledge that they're gonna die but more than knowledge that they know they're gonna die when they're dying if someone told you um no one ever knows when they're gonna die no one ever gets an illness no one ever gets hit by a truck everyone passes away peacefully in their sleep dreaming there I think a big marshmallow right then you wouldn't care about anything it would matter wet it wouldn't matter if you died tomorrow or in 30 years time you just lived life before you've cut you'd you know that every day would be great you'd go out and come back you'd fall asleep that would be amazing there'd be no stress there'd be no there'd be no angsty art we're all gonna die stress cuz it wouldn't matter because it would just be your life would it be amazing if someone guaranteed you Carl you're gonna die in your sleep I'm not gonna tell you when people some people do not well exactly but we never know we're going to because we stress what if we get a dreadful illness what if we you know thought what we're almost not letting people die naturally anymore now if we're always budging stuff up wasn't mean well someone might naturally die in the sleep aren't allowed to naturally die in the sleep because they wake him up with those electric things and get them going again and pop in a new longer whatever whilst they're at it that's what I'm saying they don't just that you never hear anymore do you Frank peacefully died in his sleep no he died on the operating table once we put in any new lung they never they don't die naturally anymore Frank died peacefully with forty thousand volts going through them and a couple of people going through yeah Claire Meade added me talked about history I said we shouldn't go on about things that happened ages ago because I bet something similar has happened more recently brilliant read about island in the Indian Ocean where there are tribesmen still living like they're cavemen a helicopter tried to land and the tribesmen chucked Spears at them this is what I meant about not having to talk about things that happened ages ago we have got new cavemen now so why do we talk about the old ones people could have lived before but computers and all that blew up books got burned so all they had left is what these tribes would have got left rambling of the ride man of a maniac that means that's just a few hours before you go crazy with a girl in there no but what what I mean there is I say if all this has happened before something happens again lot your information from the Planet of the Apes world ends night we come back again somehow yeah it's the details audio out that makes you intriguing just like the watch that you can wear that tells you when you're gonna die how does it work pop on your wrist that's all the detail you need so the world happened we came back we don't have you seen the pictures forget it and if you don't get it it's interesting that you had all those profound thoughts about this this period to the part they all lived but you still faced all found it appropriate to include at the end of that it says the tribesmen waved their knobs about when they've had enough of having visitors that's what's what you said in the paper that's what happens they're quite what paper is this that you're reading it wasn't it was in a paper a couple of days ago it said and they don't mind having visitors if they're bringing them coconuts and stuff I think any once we've got everything the need you start waving the tattle about and that means like right leave know which award want you yeah I did a pie my grandfather's dessert was in there the other day and uh like like I say a little bird noises not a little rubbing was there and I thought that's odd that's how early I actually slap sort of summertime and that'll and then I thought oh that's nice and watching it and then it got like a little worm 9 and I was like put it down right whoa what do you mean why are you in the period why were you interfering in nature with her with a Robin taking a worm just because it it was a nice sunny day in that and I thought what you see worms normally come out when it's raining don't me and you go well about they're happy to die in a way because it's choking it down it's miserable they come to the top of the soil and only yeah when it's miserable but it was a sunny day yes they don't drown I seen no it's not that it's just suddenly the air the water or something falling on the ground and they go up to see what's happening nope no wave but why do they come up when they think it's raining you're a worm okay it starts raining tell me your thought process well you just kind of it you down there you can't see anything it's dark anyway yeah so the rains coming down on the worm goes what's going on what's going on he Wiggles up to the top there what is he doing so it goes up and it sort of sees it's raining and then it goes back down again on it but that starts what I'm saying about much mean what do you what is sorry what is this world where it goes Isis rain again I said that's that's the 400th time I've been caught out this year it's rain I remember next time I won't come up uh-uh what do you think a worm is capable of it in terms of cognitive thought what do you mean well a worm can basically tell certain chemicals and certain like patterns that's about all it is really yeah and it's not thinking it's not choosing its favorite food you don't know what that though it's what I'm saying you don't know what things are thinking everything thinks don't know it doesn't know it doesn't know the thinking of something in this room that's not oh about this one then what about um what about flowers do you think they've got a mind a feeling because here something again they use phototropism they go towards the Sun they they close a little writing long words rate like son listen but what I was saying is about the worm this Robin that I saw that was eating the worm it had old of it and I thought it said sunny down that give the worm a break sort of thing so I went oh yeah I thought and he sort of dropped it in shock but then when it realized I wasn't that near it it picked up again and swallowed it and I just thought oh do you not I mean I don't know what you mean though I just thought it's a sunny day and everything normally birds and nice noises but alike and yet there is going about wrecking lives just nobody just swallowed it really quickly and that I thought I just thought there's the worm it came out it was happy didn't know what was going on and that it had an extra chance the Robin dropped it and then he got it again at and I just just made me a bit fed up would you know why don't you you couldn't outwit a Robin the world was going our God karl Pilkington so that's that's who's been sent to save me as it god you've sent karl pilkington dead that's it okay eat me what sound or noise do you hate um as me or as a as a worm I don't know what you mean what do you mean I be asked in a room I've never heard an actor say that to James Lipton when he says some what noise do you hate what is me or a worm no but all I'm saying is because of me last question that's what I was saying a bird noise is relaxing to me right well it's not anymore because I think of all the deaths and stuff that go around us so now you hate the same of birds I'm just saying let's change me of you on it it's like it's like anything in it every every noise can mean a disaster can it why would the sound of laughter people laughing why would that suddenly cause why would that also signify disaster if you wake up in the night by the sound of like a baby laughing baby laughing no if I had a baby right Suzanne was out she worked nights or something yeah and I had nodded off it put the baby to sleep yeah and then it's 3:00 in the morning and I'm cannot by the sound of a baby laughing that would so fine I just think the babies sitting up in a chair like Chucky I think the babies reason is diary thinking oh Christ this is my father I just hope I'm adopted Oh God Oh baby laughing so I won when an abbot and stuff but you answer before you sort of said right I want this doctor to give you loads of forms to fill out right and one of the things they did was if you die what you want to give away like a donor mmm I'm what IV and I thought I was I really thought about for a 40 minutes or so I didn't just rush into that was sat there thinking you know if I'm dead does it matter and stuff but I was really concerned when it said about the eyes right yeah right why would you mean what could that can I have your eyes after you die it was it was I think it was fourth on the list why did you carry the button giving you eyes when you're dead just because of that thing of you know we don't know for sure yeah and I'll let you poopoo it but the afterlife thing so why in an afterlife did do would you want your eyes more than your liver and your kidneys and your lungs and your heart because ghosts don't eat buddy so you don't need all your liver and your kidneys and stuff because they are only there to sort your food out but your eyes if you're a ghost I don't want to be a blind ghost because you're gone forever then aren't you once your ego that's it so the idea being blind when you're alive you go well alright the lay be in the afterlife I might be treated to a pair of eyes but the fact of wandering about dead for years bumping into stuff so I didn't take that box why I don't understand your theory of the afterlife why is it that you you ghost you this ghostly car why can he survive without a heart but he can't survive without eyes what why do you see what I mean surely if you're this ghostly apparition you can just see everything and you can do everything you don't need because the body no because you're a ghost yeah no but I think when you're a ghost say like how they've seen ghosts in right could I just say now for any listeners this is not the thoughts and beliefs of the management there is no such thing as ghosts I do not believe in ghosts I do not believe in ESP or any mumbo-jumbo carry on Kyle so when there's a ghost you know when they see ghosts in my old castles and stuff yeah they've had that cough because they've been up to no good right years ago but they're carrying it around normal into their own that's what I'm saying it hasn't reached itself so if you tap the eyes out but Kyle how is this ghosty creature able to function it doesn't have its head on anyway it's carrying under its arm so the suspicion is it doesn't need its head no it just happens to be carrying it around because it you know was to keep it with it the ghost is always in the last condition that it was in when it was in oh it's these roles get the way you are in your last bit of life is how you are as a ghost forever even in the fashion I could say the ghost that you see never wear modern clothes so these always the Victorian stuff now they could change it it would put the card cuz they stuck with it so like why did you see cavemen ghosts when did go start they didn't kick in till about 1830 today what if you die when you're having a rectal examination are you always bent forward with the trousers around your ankles and someone's finger at me why would you die when you're having that done that's why I'm not having it done if that's you say no no no but you it might have both been suddenly um killed in a terrible disaster I meet you right here you that's when you get the moaning ghosts in it that's they're the ones who aren't apt so you're going round bent forward and got a doctor's finger up your ass and what are you doing if you start going oh and that's when you have to get the vic around what's he like i have to put you to rest and what-have-you dominic and what does a vicar do when he's go okay so I get the Vic around it's years later it's a hundred years later your your round this doctor surgery those people come in and the doctor they're the new doctor there and it's it's 2073 and there they go vicar vicar a good vicar there's a there's a a strange go selfishness it looks like an old doctor right and he's got his fingers up this sort of like little it's like a chimpanzee but with a shaved no no but the doctor wouldn't be are you saying the doctor dies yeah you bet yeah but if they die you die at the same time with his finger at your ass and so you're forever your forever having a little rectal examination with the little trousers around your ankles well that's one it'd be best not to up your eyes thirteen is he teenager than I life got tough yeah hard to get tough just straight away when I was 13 my mum was like you know oh it's she's 13th birthday you're a teenager now and she gave us a quid to go get a cake to celebrate it she went to supermarket got a cake and I just thought I don't like a look at this don't like the look of the way the future is there you're buying a cake what what did you see the supermarket Estate was kind of like I don't know Emily felt grown up I didn't like it but I think you're always about 58 really with your outlook well yeah my mum always said that was old she's always an old baby she said I could frown before I could walk so it was a bit of a worry one comment I didn't say much she's always listened my eyes move about more than I did sat there looking around looking stressed good walk well can't walk well I'll try and get a bit movement in my face doesn't work out a baby work out Oh babies well if you can't walk what about your face let your face do the walking it sounds like that horror film it sounds like poking Tain's baby yes you lying there in your cot I don't like all the stuff that's set up for you might need me mum tried to send me to a nursery I said now not having this like that when I'm old and I've gotta go I'll go but let's leave out this bit she didn't I could reasonably there I know if he's like he's three years old with a point she's going to go those guys I think not man I mean kids don't play out to be kids that you know parents are scared to let the kids play out and that's why the streets are dangerous now cuz no one's playing out on the streets whereas when I was a kid everyone was out on the streets the streets were safer there was more people knocking about right what the kids play out it must be like a constant hilari painting is from God and I mean his legs indeed we just walk around problems I was sort of taken away by some fella oh no wasn't I was playing about in the garden yeah but we don't made Tony yeah he did tiling with him either I passed and he told me look a bit fed up so he just learnt over picking up dancing for now the thing is there wasn't honey people weren't going oh god where's Karl gone he's out just just our players take the pub more years okay please only over no he's down the pub but Tony probably playing dance it's about three or four sorry so some bloke drives party who happens to be a friend of your dad's six that baby looks grumpy yeah I'm taking him down for that that's what I make you bringing a baby to pub uh yeah my do yeah we'll bring in ours oh I see you like Mike well that's what I'm saying where's now that girl the baby's gone there's a big full-on panic going but I think it says more about your parents they didn't do that they don't prevent card you ever got one some folks drive it off in a man hey just go oh very down the pub it done princess - hello look lovely this is absurd so why haven't you got under pop I just was there for a bit and then the [ __ ] is that the game with Paul when the dog came in baby going to George's gonna have a quick point where you are the comet so uh yeah I think things were better but then I'm out with my mate Laurie he said he was in a pub at the weekend and saw a bloke whose hands were on the wrong arms he had his left hand on his right arm and the right hand on the left arm I don't think this would be a problem if he's been like that from an early age when I was in Ripley's in LA I saw a bloke whose head was on back to front that's more annoying in it than your arms no no that would you walk how would you what would you be walking backwards Karl so that you could walk - you basically walking forwards I can add water sideways so nobody would sort of tell the difference some days 33 oh got home and read new magazine there was a story about a baby that was born that looked like a frog what magazines this that made the news that I was in a proper newspaper in the end it didn't really have a neck or top half of its head it would look all right if it always wore a scarf and a hat the world would be a more interesting place if there were loads of different types of humans like there are creatures then some people would be good at certain jobs spider people and people builders cockroach people dustbin men good I do I mean I coach men spider-men what you talk about look at some insects right out of machinery yet they get him by army they have their lives like we do the get up the wonder about they collect food we tidy up they fix stuff they make their own house we can't do any of that so what I'm saying is why don't we use them why are these cockroaches with all these powers and stuff powers going about some of these powers could we use the hercule harvest just told you dustbin men oh or whatever dunno if they were also men if they were cockroach men where's your ways you've left a big bit out but when that one-inch cockroach becomes a six-foot bloke with wearing a jacket it's just that we always use insects for like a bit of fun you see flea circuses and all that which is all very well but I don't think he's getting the most out of him woke up at 9:55 a.m. soon as I woke up I looked at Suzanne she looked at me I said did I tell you about the immune system Suzanne started laughing I said it's amazing she said not now can I tell you at the immune system oh oh [ __ ] you know yeah okay then this is the karl Pilkington top five freaks in a number five um probably uh something not too good at number five but it's still interesting lighthouse mum who's that that's life Smith was lighthouse man so fella with all in his dad honey what he does rather than moan about it sticks a candle in it shut up what you're talking about EXA couples are you talking about where is I bet he didn't call himself lighthouse man did he well I don't know it's just what what he got nicknames clean up this old doctor delight there's nothing we can do can't fill it so what can I do with it and it was of the days when he was no electric and not she had to walk about with a candle starting in a minute okay like in that photo come well during its like a candle and it he just got nicknamed the lighthouse month so again not it's not that amazing but I like the way he was sort of energy efficient so was it his forehead no on the very top of his head that's perfect you don't in the forehead Steve you have to walk back even a degree much so he's like a kind of human jack-o'-lantern he's a louse man what you see what's our guinea than the lighthouse man so yeah I ease pulled out number five wow that's a number five state than before what about pig face warmer than Manchester square thank again you're getting what it says on the tin there aren't yeah right and it's just this woman who had a face like a pig and the rumor was yeah that it wasn't a woman someone said it was a pet bandage shaved it was this awesome with this on you saw notice this is going back see this is this is years and years ago yet when there was loads of like weird-looking people I mean the fact that it's pig face woman of Manchester square that says that they might have been wanting Piccadilly Circus yeah yeah ever so there was a lot more of a knocking about about then let's assume that um it was a woman and the first one in a lighthouse fellow it is it is a human do you think people would object because of their disfigurement before me um a little bit like being called freaks do you think well he gave him a purpose but then see if you are a freak years ago he was work for you you'd have these circus things mmm now if you've got a funny ad you're on the dole number three what our elephant pump right I came out number three's he's is that it's surely the most famous freak ever to have lived isn't he's the one who got me into it right yeah sure he saw entry-level free yeah the gateway freak everyone everyone is aware of him hmm the elephant man still existed right and you got the opportunity to meet him and you walked in couple questions one what would you for his reaction be and two what would you say for watching for his question be how to react well I've sort of seen him enough now that it wouldn't shock me mm-hmm so I don't even think a flinch okay uh I mean like I said when I first saw you that that was that was a bit weird but now I can look at yeah I don't double take anything uh what would I say to him though what I probably say where did you get that up to fit you he always autumn where do you get that that's sort of flat cut these yeah so yeah I love him so he's at number three uh Elephant Man number three I can't wait what do with one right okay no I don't want me number one is it's just number two now I don't know his name but there's a fella knocking about other things around anymore but you had like a normal body looking at him you'd go what's up with him he's not a freak sexy zombies off something knobs right Wow okay oh wait there's nowhere to start I think it uses him alternately like I've a way out this one I'll wear that one or does he just like spread the load so he's we in are both I don't think he knows well he's like a lucky dip when he goes to a urinal yeah sorry it can have a little bet with himself he's just like I don't know what's going up in there so he dragged the older guys about definitely so he takes his trousers down cuz I mean you know yeah it can't use a wife from right yeah need more like a W front yeah so when he pops his cakes down there I don't think it's that much of a problem it's not like hello I prefer that than Elephant Man said well of course you would well that's what I'm saying what if you had Elephant Man's knob yeah but he didn't weren't like that did it that's the thing they said he had the body of an elephant well that's the only thing that wasn't of an elephant standard [ __ ] his knob was normal whereas with this fella see all the way around everything normal took the pumps off Oh why would you ever take his pants off well I wouldn't I'm just saying if a why I don't know I don't know why you'd be in situation with this man with two knobs standing there with his pants on you go pop your pants off you're not a doctor no I say if I'm waiting in a cubicle hey is that for what show you where you might have a mite in t'other way how can you become mo urinals look I'm going on you don't need him both you he goes well actually I look at this right he's got two knobs see I didn't see it with two urinals I saw him a one maybe them pointing inwards if you had that and you would say the first time that you met Suzanne would you mention that straight up would you say right before this goes any further I've got something to show you well that's it exact time exactly what you would say huh he had normal head then didn't you I had I have the same head yeah give it add like hair in coming out with the net and sauna yeah but she also had a smaller arm so I think we both end dawn anyway we need to get to number one yeah number one okay so Paloma oh yeah hello man okay no explain for those that don't know who he was either he's a fella with uh no arms and legs just a head and the little body nickname pillar man well why is he your favorite just because he's amazing just the way he just got on with his life he's the light a cig just using his light his lips and his tongue I've seen this is late by I like roll-your-own yeah it's it's in the film freaks I know and he will shave as well yeah that's right yeah thinking he used to do it used to get it in his mouth and I don't know Jesus it's amazing did he have did the other knob I think he did could he have some kids what yeah you have kids he was an alright looking fella he wasn't he wasn't odd-looking is your son not you'll alright samuel l.jackson imagine in with no arms and legs right that's all done it um it's weird but you've got to give it to him you know I mean is there role in his own he's pretty cool-looking I just want to say to people dis no you say it looks cool do you know with no arms no legs to smoke but don't forget that smoking can stunt your growth yeah but uh yeah remember he was on like this this circus freak show things like a bearded woman yeah um which isn't really pre because it's you know another shave have a shave you're not a freak anymore bearded woman compared to a fellow who's got no arms and legs a bearded woman younger get out but it was it was like a fella with with no bottom after his body cold Johnny Eck was his name so you know when you're knocking about with that crowd you're gonna get a bit so very up kids and there were all normal kids they had all the lizard is Winfred obsolete never saw his wife first was with I think he's probably ashamed of her she was bit of a freak for someone like him you'd think he'd just give up when you you think forget it what sort of life is it no I'm like a Mexican jumping bean it's not worth living but it just got on with it II mean Tommy Shay I don't even bother on the show some no nor the bearded lady lazy [ __ ] [ __ ] so that's why I've put like my number one position uh he's just amazing in a human you know how you know whatever you del some people just get on with it yeah um so yeah the pillow man or draft excluder as I prefer to call them here you go now me and Steve were a couple of big shots we do this for a laugh for this is Karl Pilkington's only source of income this is what you do know in it this is me full-time jogger what I think that is this Tasman wine what other wide because I know I'm got a purpose other I'm sorry I talking up a pillow man if you want for him I'd have nothing to say it just depresses me that I just wish I had a job where I felt like I was needed yeah and I don't feel needed it's not a proper job we need you we need you for ready for all drew yeah but this isn't I wanted something that you know when you get when you die and that is you know you go up to the gates whatever they say what have you done and then I'm looking worried thinking is a pillar man about

Channel: -----

Views: 1,725,140

Keywords: Karl Pilkington (TV Producer), Karlology, Ricky Gervais (Celebrity), Stephen Merchant (TV Writer), The Ricky Gervais Show (TV Program), Comedy (Theater Genre)

Id: UoudwqnXLFQ

Length: 73min 55sec (4435 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 21 2015