Bert Kreischer in studio - Homeless Poops, Raising Chickens + more - Jim Norton & Sam Roberts

there's Bert Kreischer hi Bert what's going on can see you couldn't see you how's it going man I am fantastic welcome to this [ __ ] just sway and Heather B we were talking about earlier how much energy you have in the morning yeah and it's it's especially a weird I guess being that you were like texting me like 1:30 in the morning B I gotta know if I'm coming in am i coming in on the candy you're coming in I got pretty [ __ ] up last night you did oh yeah how long were you at town mmm what were you doing don't know she can [ __ ] doctors getting [ __ ] up man it's chasing the dragon it's New York it was fun man on with the stand uh-huh and it was all I ran into Judah and I haven't seen Judah right it's so cool coming back to New York and like seeing guys that you you know I guess you started with but they were already started and he's just like JJ big J I love big J I love hanging out with him and Kurt and and Arie and we just started setting around talked [ __ ] and I was [ __ ] fun she's had a good time you don't have that vibe out in LA or do you do people you talk [ __ ] don't talk [ __ ] as much out there people don't tip Patricia's Tommy that they don't tease each other in LA as much because it on each other it's marijuana is that what it cuz we got this like free love mentality like you go to the store and it's like big hugs from Rogen stand-ups in town shut up Ron White's buying drinks oh we're all gonna have a great time and then you come out here you're like what's up [ __ ] absolutely so it's not an increased sensitivity it's just everybody's just kind of you know it's marijuana like they just love each other the other night we're in the green room at the at a in the main room it's me Maren Fitzsimmons Norma Colin Rogan and just and there's just a different energy I think ever not everyone's high but you know everyone's high kinda and Joy's being passed around and and nor McDonald's telling the greatest [ __ ] stories in the world and I'm just sitting back like a fanboy I mean Rogan sitting there just like wide-eyed everybody's enjoying it yeah but it but it's it's total it is completely and totally different there's a I don't know if it's the fact that we can sit down you know like in New York it was always like standing up in front of the Boston comedy club is how I remember hanging I don't think the difference between the east west coast is sitting there's someone more to it than that with the shares out there lilyc space you know like the right base you can spread out yeah yeah but where's here everything's close what's got you in New York doing press for my special November 11th on Showtime it's called the Machine and and I was doing Gotham gothic was one is [ __ ] yeah Gotham's a different club than like other New York clubs right Tim yeah it feels more like a road room it's a little it's bigger it's higher ceilings it's a nice room so very nice room yeah but it doesn't feel like New York it doesn't feel like a workout room like we like the cellar I like to work out material and you know the stand kind of feels like you can go down there Gotham feels more like a refined experience that's another big difference between New York and LA is that we don't have we don't have as many workout rooms like everything's a showcase you go do it like we did a show I was just telling you about like half the cast of Ally McBeal was there I know I know I don't want to neighbor up there like the Oscars oh my god what happened you hear what happened last night Tina Yothers watch it so was it after cast Ally McBeal how did you know who the cast of allegheny oh that's terrible oh my [ __ ] judge you know it's really sad that the cast of Ally McBeal is still hanging out to users make sure to make sure you have a good set the grips from [ __ ] Hardcastle and mcCormick are in the back I know the show got canceled years ago but we still do Fridays right we still oh you guys are being so New York I wouldn't die who a sight all I could see was Jason Alexander II feel or whatever that's all that's all you're never worried did that episode guys with the dancing baby yeah who got Chuck dude who is that walking in but that was that's [ __ ] Peter Fox standing for Columbo she have a good set oh look it's sweating oh yeah well that's the guy that's the worst celebrity sighting in history I still get so [ __ ] excited I would chew I do too but the cast of Ally McBeal wouldn't do much for me that's the thing about LA you never know when the cast of Ally McBeal does get her absolutely killer so funny I did a show one time and there's this little girl yay at the bar she's like posting up and hanging out and I'm like I'm not thinking anything about it and I'm I'm being totally normal and then someone goes that's Dakota Fanning I'm [ __ ] 43 and I made a complete and total ass out of myself what did you do I just was like I owe I mean really I I was like okay I gotta get her to say her name in my head so that I can go oh I know who you are I know so I was like I'm Bert she's like I'm Dakota and I was like ah my daughter's got a friend named Dakota Dakota high knows to cut up hey you Dakota vet that's a huge horrible EP interaction yeah how old is she she's gotta be 21 I don't know so it's like you were just going up and it seemed like just a guy picking you up at a bar like hey I'm Bert no she had been on my show and she was hanging out with like the people after my show Kevin I say whenever I do a show every one wants to hang out and drink mm-hmm and so she's in that group and then I like I was like I only to code I know it's the code a fan wait a minute I wouldn't you should addition you should have like you know wait papers out her and you you could have said I'm Fanning you like you said that's my name only Fanning I know is de colo Mackrell is that you all these people hanging out or kind of Fanning that you with the df' necklace did you hang out with her I had to get they got a private room in the improv upstairs huh and I tried to like move the party up there so that we could all hang out and so I got the room I got they got bottles of Tito's up and it was like all perfect and then I go down I'm like all right you guys ready to go up and she's gone I just brought a bunch of people on yeah they're like Bert you're really amazing like these are people that were in your audience yeah there was just amar only I'll get a private room with the crowd after I can't think of a worse scenario just some Tito's a private room and your audience and then the one star you want to talk to [ __ ] beat us you know like you really are hands on comic man you do this your pants oh my girl yeah you know I'd like to get in touch with the people and connect you're just in way over your head let me ask you Jim if you had a like a celebrity interaction you had to kind of like arrange something like that and then you realize that the celebrity left would you decide I gotta be a nice guy no I said step right back excuse myself to go to the bathroom then start a fire in the entrance who's who of you who would you really geek out over not a lot of people I would yeah are you sure why not like what's the lowest level that you geeked out over like the one that you're almost embarrassed that you were like holy [ __ ] I can't believe that I mean he just geeked out over a Roberta Flack and Amy Schumer show the other day yeah never deflected like Hanukkah woman killing me softly she's saying killing me sorry I thought she was famous for the seed the best right yes I met I met Martha linseed once I put the blue why berkos I bet she's famous for the seed and then the eyebrows let go is one my first almost coming I'm like now that doesn't make sense I'm like Oh flaxseed oil yeah Roberta Roberta Flack come uh no seed is a good word for come yeah I know I know I know I did I had an interaction with uh who was the Nigerian Nightmare Christian Okoye you remember him yeah for the Chiefs he's uh he's right Nigeria he's like 65 to 80 he was a linebacker he's a [ __ ] beast Mariza running back he was a beast so I was on a TV show and we were all doing pictures and everyone was getting pictures with him and I came up and I made like a gay joke I go hey do you think me and you could do a picture just me and you by ourselves with our shirts off and everyone laughed and he didn't get the jokes he's Nigerian and he was like no no and so um so then we do a big group photo like with the cast and everyone and and everyone starts walking away and he grabs me by the arm ii goes let's take our shirts off now and I went no no no I was joking because I got you funny man it's here the [ __ ] head right yeah that's an obscure one yeah yeah yeah yeah that's not the most fun I've geeked out over a lot of people who would you say Comic Cons I have the Redskins best he's going to comic-con with him cuz it's so easy to convince him that just a cosplayer as a celebrity and he'll ask any celebrity for a photo I watched I watched a video of this is an old video of cribs of your house one time that was back at any W when he lived at foreign when I lived a Florentine in Cliffside Park New Jersey no but is that it no not this [ __ ] place the that looked like it had mold the nice place oh the other one yeah yeah yeah you still live in that place know that but what was interesting to me is you had all your uh your autograph stuff around yeah that's kind of cool I never I've never gotten anything so I might that stuff up in lieu of family or or loved ones photos yeah yeah for a long time your place look like a museum but it wasn't mentally a museum it's like a museum in OP culture art [ __ ] I don't like I just I put up stuff I like yeah there's a lot of [ __ ] yeah a lot of it there's a lot of it have you been hanging up stuff cuz I saw your place my place is still buried by different frames I have not done that I've been very poor with the interior stuff yeah to listen it I was I was impressed that your bed looked very like it didn't look like what I thought you'd have what do you think there's gonna be like Christ comes yeah no no it was like it looked like like if you spent the night at a sorority house like it had like it was like wrought iron it was a very teenage girl I should have gotten rid of that and then had lucky like white like yeah Daisy's my [ __ ] yes boyfriend pillow yeah it was very queer my bad but yeah your new your you got a whole new bed when you moved in no I took I threw the frame out because there's not a lot of space between my bed my window I have a bigger bedroom but the way it's shaped is weird so I have to get a bed frame I want to get a bed frame it doesn't stick out all it just goes to the edge of the mattress and that's it I can't have one that's longer do you think your do you think your apartments representative of who you are as a person yeah it's empty yeah chilly and empty I guess yeah I I guess I would think mines cluttered it has a whole bunch of wrestling [ __ ] in it so I guess filled with garbage I think yeah well yeah yeah no I guess it's representative might we're just we're redoing my house right now it's under renovation uh-huh and and I'm I don't know if the new hat the new look will be representative of Who I am like the old one was because it was just like I mean I'd have cuz if you've done my podcast you don't have to walk through my house right often to get to my man cave and you'd see the look on people's faces they walk through your house and go so this is where you live like it smells like bacon there was kids toys everywhere right it was small and then you got this man cave is so much better than my house of course yeah bunch of time you guys been to my house yeah that's [ __ ] odd that you've ever been to my house yeah we yes you do a show out of your house I mean people are gonna end up coming over yeah go on a Rogen's house with school back in the day I never went to Rogen's house now we did it in different locations um I've done a podcast a bunch time it's always been different locations back in the day you used to do at his house and that was like that was like I did I did one with red van at the old studio where the ice house I think he was desk walk north yeah yeah yeah I did I do in that studio that place was [ __ ] set up to be super high and super like loser [ __ ] yeah those mannequins over here and yeah just weird like Christmas lights it looked like something out of stranger things yeah it was really a weird one yeah that was a fun place um but yes you're redoing your house yo - redoing a house homeless guys were just everywhere just why are homeless guys Hazzard I wouldn't used when you start redoing your houses every like it that well first of all we put a porta potti in our front yard so right - have I got I came home one night and there was like a line in my front yard like of homeless people waiting - really yeah I was [ __ ] up I came back from the store and I walked out there's two guys standing in my front yard I was like the [ __ ] the guys like there's a line no there's not this is my [ __ ] house you're out so we put a big fence up Wow yeah is that why they put fences around the plaza village don't come and [ __ ] and piss all over ya and [ __ ] moving probably be confined to the port or they see a porta potti just like all over the inside the porta potti you don't some [ __ ] bum [ __ ] in your porta potty not sure you want to know when to talk about white privilege I started this is white guilt I started feeling guilty when we put a fence up that I took away the one opportunity that a homeless person would have to have like a moment of [ __ ] civilization yeah that's just the opposite that's why I'd feel proud of the fence that's what I would make me feel good about the fence yeah that's one less bum that will be feeling good about it you really felt bad that you weren't gonna give the bum the privilege of the Porta Potty well I mean you know you got life's giving you a [ __ ] dick sandwich right and get one thing you get you're walking on the street you gotta take a [ __ ] you see a porta potti you're like you know what are there a lot of homeless people by you yeah cuz we got a new drug dealer you have a new drug dealer in the neighborhood the drug-dealing neighborhood and so then all the homeless started and there was a big carnival at one of the parks uh-huh so they pushed out all the homeless people and so they just kind of fell over to our side of the of this 170 yeah and and it was better like we had a your street is like very residential and the drug dealers dealing heroin and meth and so they just he's literally right up the street from us he lives with Lisa at uh Joey Diaz his producer I lives next door to him oh really I told him he was the guy goes wait you talking about Darrell oh yeah yeah that's what he does I was wondering what he does um but so we had a way to break in an attempt like a homeless person try to break into our house and then you cannot [ __ ] scare a homeless person like if it was like I'm sure you can't show a job application actually frightens them together yeah got in comes the boys I say god these [ __ ] these lazy homeless guys need to get up and work for a living honey quick good exactly we know my dog my dog went after him her it was a her my dog went after her and then I started yelling at her and I had and then another guy the next night did the same thing and so that's and then we called the cops cops showed up immediately [ __ ] immediately they were there in like three minutes just waiting to get somebody they were like we're here like it was amazing all the [ __ ] people talk about cops three minutes yeah that my daughters were freaked out so I was like I go hey do you mind if my daughters come out like did they get did the homeless lady get in the house no she's trying to get into the backyard and I was sitting out front gonna cigar with my dog she didn't seem dog smokes yeah I gotta get I gotta stick it in between her paw but uh and so we it was crazy we used to have chickens yes still got chickens you didn't love many three you ever been to his houses you got the chicken no I happened to just stroll around his backyard yeah why cuz my but I think it's this thing that people now life is so easy they want to find what hardship was like to connect with some sort of realness right you know I mean everything right now is so easy like hey Siri who's bachman-turner overdrive right and and but so I think my wife wanted something like growing the tomatoes or one of those things so eat the chickens food chicken eggs are [ __ ] amazing yeah okay are better than like they are like butter there when you get those homemade egg and sometimes they come out with two yolks in them oh they're [ __ ] incredible now is he got any yolks so Jim's got a soundboard now no yeah you better don't you put his own sounds on the sound Allah it really helps the show and a big thank you very much yeah no it's super super helpful and never out of context yeah awesome that salute what kind of stuff you got on yourself just important stuff pops up it's like movie clips that nobody's ever heard and cannot place and sounds that he made what the [ __ ] see how that works ah perfect Ed Norton no that was a [ __ ] Curb Your Enthusiasm oh that one wasn't yours I was Adrienne's what - shut the [ __ ] up one give us on the soundboard no I know I know I'm just saying that that would that wouldn't go in the category of your obscure movie oh no no sound bites yeah that's one curb that's actually something that you've heard of him can relate to um but you didn't unleash the chickens on the person who broke into your backyard no no why the cops came out and I told the cops and say do you mind if the girls come down and uh like my daughters are freaked out mmm and then I was like can you just you know talk to them in the conflict of course my girls come down and they had made they had gotten lollipops and put notes on them and said you are our heroes oh and the cops like melted they were like listen ladies don't we're going to be circling the block where you guys go to bed we won't let anything happen is outside they just do that or did your wife tell them to I told I asked him I said do you mind talking to the girls no no no no they just did a lollipop they just did it Wow they just did it and then as they're doing this my oldest is tugging my arm like okay dad let's go I was like Georgia give him a second let him finish she's like dad we got it okay thank you guys thank you sir thank you sir very much as I put the [ __ ] George and she we start walking back she's like we are all wearing marijuana shirts and they were wearing shirts that you get from dispensaries and I had one from this company called the dope state and it looks like the North Face but of the marijuana we are for wearing their water they live in finally your daughter's came down at the cops threw you down and arrested you violent arrest see the [ __ ] out of me yeah probably yeah your your your daughters seem to be have a good self-awareness like just seem to be aware of this situation we need to not be here right now because we're wearing marijuana shirts no my oldest my youngest is oblivious she is oh [ __ ] blue and she's still seeing ghosts no no who knows we think she's time-traveling now that's right that's how you tell me about she was time-traveling yeah we're done with time-traveling now we're just getting trying to get her to read all the she she's ten okay she's dyslexic I asked fall yeah it's late in the game it's so it's so bad way to be encouraging Sam it is it's lighten again wait dislikes is the other tricks that they can do to kind of read better is I would I asked it was didi sick yeah no you got to get evil there's a font that and remember when we met Henry Fonda this is a long time ago yes on the set of all the Oxbow incident no you mean Henry Winkler I think oh yeah yeah I think Henry Winkler a member I met Henry Fonda yeah [ __ ] my pants he was he was selling a book and I didn't pay attention to it Hank's sizzler is that the name of the character I don't remember what the name is Gibson senator yeah and it's written in a dyslexia font so that you can read better in that font so we got the font for my daughter and really helped like really just Roman numerals no I don't know it's it's a dyslexia font and it helps with dyslexia is that what it looks like it's kind of like is that the dyslexia font I think so it's called dyslexia yeah and it's just like it's pretty standard except it looks like it's written kind of like there's some there's weird curves and stuff to it and that helps dyslexia well what happened what's interesting is we went to one we had to go to an IEP for her IEP it's I don't know I think it's a something for I don't know it's like a helper okay or whatever all right like the people that really like focus on her specifically sure right and so you'd like not one [ __ ] person that simply say note from before yeah that was in the fog or as I sum up this room for yeah so we went to this thing this IP and I'd [ __ ] up I was came in firing a little hot mm-hmm but I said what's that mean fire no hot well I had I partied with Joey Diaz the night before and that was I still felt the effects that morning right and then I brought two diet cokes thinking I that would wake me up and turned out I brought two Coors lights again seriously seriously that's seriously you got no oh you know what's so funny I got a lot why no tell when I drank I puke oh no no no no I'm not that kind of a drinker like if I don't if I if I feel like I'm sick I just don't drink okay yeah oh did you drink the Coors light's you just look at her like Oh murder you did murder them and so yeah I have to [ __ ] Coors lights on a campus right yeah what am I gonna write I don't already open one yeah thinking it's a diet coke you gotta get rid of him yeah murdered it so uh ten we're sitting at this IEP I'm a little loose in their head and they're like you know she's having a really hard time reading and it's really holding her back we're wondering you know if we're gonna move around a fifth grade and I'm like can we just teach your Braille and they're like what I go her eyes don't [ __ ] work like let's just pretend her eyes don't work let's just say she didn't have eyes right when we go how would we approach it from that and they're like whoa I go over to do with a blind student they're like we give her audio books we give her audiobooks and they're like yeah it seems so simple it's like are you [ __ ] kidding me yeah this kids getting her ass handed to her every single day and no one thought to give her a [ __ ] audiobook she's just amazing to have that though yeah of course yeah yeah they're all your books for everything and so she started listening audiobooks and it was like and now everything's fine yeah but now it's like the stuff you know the teacher will say would go home read chapters three and four now she just goes in [ __ ] listens to him yeah but yeah so we got tutors out to ask for like it's it's we're taking my wife's not one of those people that if there's an issue she deals with it right like if you if she feels a lump you're going to the doctor I'm if I'm feeling lump I just call Duncan Trussell and go hey what do you think I said yeah why so what I said will she be able to read comfortably or no no probably never Wow but Joyce audience I see you uh what's her severe dyslexia yeah yeah yeah and there's I don't know there's different levels of it like she I have a joke about it that I tell him I special not like a joke joke but like you literally watch her you watch her look at a word and then like like if we were reading together she does this like and tries to guess it off your face like before you say it she'll be like ah chance you know what g-get jerk Johnny no it's Jim Norton okay Jim Norton you look here you sees you kind of pronouncing the first syllable or whatever it's I mean it's it's like it's intense but you know what it's like everyone's got the [ __ ] problems that's her [ __ ] problem right it's like there's worse there's much worse we're thinking about Senator a different school and we went there I'm like I she's not those folks please she'll be fine nobody [ __ ] reads anymore anyway no [ __ ] - yeah yeah I guess watch YouTube every everything that you want to learn is there's an instructional video on YouTube that's what people can do voice activation for stuff you don't have to like yeah i but as much I told her that I'm only thinking of Syria I thought that's true and I know the walks of life and my help and Google assistant no you have hit f @ FN 4 on your computer and you can just talk your your paper Greg Fitzsimmons wrote his entire book we Dragon Dictate really just read it in 1989 who the [ __ ] uses dragon anymore is that the popular that's what a fan works on your computer FM for and you're just talking into your computer I know either yeah that's all I do it's talking so like you have to hold them down while you're talking no no you hit FM for when it comes up and it's like you see a little box really inconvenient to just hold the button the hole yeah no I die I when I reply the emails I'll tell you what cuz I have whatever issues she has I got some oh also hallo dyslexic yeah when if you one of the funniest things I've ever done in my career is my audiobook because I wrote a book and then I had to read the audiobook and I could not it took me 15 hours to read a five-hour book oh and it was and they left it all in they left me going mother that's good and so uh and it like I fall apart laughing one poem I'm taking off my [ __ ] pants I'm so uncomfortable this [ __ ] room this sucks so it's all in that's all in and then I and I did I wrote a chapter about Patrice so and I did his voice hey Bert what I was a horrible how long is the audiobook then five hours so but they said that ad they cut it down if they left it all like they all those they put in just cut out some other [ __ ] yeah just anything that was working they didn't they took out perfect and it's just all me losing my [ __ ] mind that's perfect but uh I don't know what I was gonna say about that but yeah I have our time reading I've worked on me but what I do is for emails is this is something my wife did figure it out for me is when you get sent emails on your thing open them up so they're a separate thing and then put them all over your screen and then go through them one by one so I put hit fm4 and just reply to all my emails like that it's so much easier to put them all on your screen so like I get on my computer and then ever I go through my email and then I double click on them so they open up in a separate window uh-huh and then I open all the emails I have to reply to so you get like 12 emails opened up and then you just go through it one by one with fm4 and you're like yes how do you read him I can't I mean even read I'm not my [ __ ] [ __ ] honey the e is [ __ ] Leroy from Fame but if you can't write how could you know I'm it's just easier I'm just I can also type it but I just decided put your feet better game abhors my thing that hey Siri is [ __ ] amazing yeah I just love it Siri on the phone when you go hey Siri I know set an alarm for 10:00 a.m. tomorrow all you have to say hey Siri I never address it as Siri Jimmy she's already here hey Siri I'm sorry what is well look Jimmy hey Siri it's just it's just seven alarm for 10 a.m. hey Siri you don't exactly have you unconscious looking at me you don't have the new operating system no I don't I'd be great if she goes hey Jimmy yeah you don't have the new iPhone no I don't get the update the update has it no matter what the update the update is doesn't work turns your phone into a piece of [ __ ] if you don't have a new one really really well you guys should drop your phones more often I don't like the new Siri because it used to be like Hayes now it's voice recognized but I used to be able if you said hey Siri on the radio it would like all the listeners would get all [ __ ] pissed off because you turn on everybody series I did that at Philadelphia yeah hey guys I'm gonna put their phones on the table I go hey Siri set a reminder for November 11th at 10 p.m. to watch my Showtime special she just did it what did she say alright cornice and oh you have the hit any both phones we're setting reminders [ __ ] amazing yeah get them what would a reminder do what say anything like oh I'm gonna come you could have just said that I know but I like to press it I want to show off don't forget it surprised it's not a tap push I still I'm just getting used to all this I'm so excited you have a sound wait I am just one of those things that I think I'll [ __ ] really enjoy listening to yeah yeah I'm working on I'm getting used to those things as like as a comment doing the road we would have mocked with like in 1997 yeah or in 2001 but now like if you gave me a sound board I'd be like [ __ ] yes yeah awesome like one of my friend my remember I think I I think I emailed you and asked you if you can help me get it is I love more than anything when they do the Friday chant and play Loverboy's working for the weekend who his radio stations in generation oh yeah yeah how head do it all the time Khalid every Friday and I try to trick him into saying the word Friday I'll go amen what was that movie ice Cuban and Cuba Gooding jr. in he's like what he's like cuba cuba gooding jr. with a the pot he goes no no no you're taking a Chris Tucker and it's Friday and on what was it for teddy Friday it's my favorite I didn't know how do you compartmentalize doing stand-up in the city when it's a shorter set like ten minutes versus working out hours I just work on a 15-minute set I get the cellar I just go up and I'll start just talking and whatever like eventually I have a new 15 and I'll just plop that into the [ __ ] set I'll usually it's still fun and fresh you know you know you're not you would not do anything from the past that already worked you are always not oh yeah no no I mean I do but once I shoot it I try not to no I mean no I meant I meant when you're on the in the cellar it's just strictly figuring out brand-new material like well I mean brand new within this times I do stuff that I'm still doing in my one hour of course you have to see if it ties in hate is this go into that or I want to just try this I want to I want to work on that it doesn't feel fresh anymore I'll go back in and you know try to work on it backwards or whatever yay yeah but you know there's no need to destroy in the cellar I want to but what's you I mean it's a small room so you go in there you hope you can kill with the newer stuff or stuff that you're you're tinkering with I guess it's just a weird philosophy to hear that like you wouldn't just always your default would be I just want to crush the room you do want to crush the room but the reality is and I respect the Comedy Cellar but it's when when stuff works there I know it will work on the road or I at least think it will screw they're not my fans in the Comedy Cellar they're not your fans in the coming solar no you just go on I don't give a [ __ ] they just show up for a show they don't care who's in the lineup you don't think I always thought that the Comedy Cellar was known kind of as like the mecca of East Coast comedy like if you're of comedy fan and you're in New York you definitely stop by meaning they're not they're like hey Jim Norton's on the bill let's go see Bert I know you didn't it's not a headline show that's on tickets to it yeah so they're just going to see a show they know comedians drop in they know Collins there a lot or they know that there's good comics and you want to kill but guys that are just going up at the cellar and doing the stuff they've been doing on weekends for years on the roads and what the [ __ ] are you doing you're supposed to be working out here this is where you [ __ ] you know my system becomes an ego thing or just like I just want the laughs yeah but I like to get the last with what I want to do like if I'm writing a new opening now I'm trying new opening line and I finally figured out the opening to my our set that I'm happy with I wasn't happy with what I was doing for the last six months and now it feels [ __ ] good because it just happened one night you know you try to go up with an idea like with dinner Trump's [ __ ] grabby I'm not gonna do in the specialty that won't be topical by the time a terrorism hmm but it's fun just to go up and talk about it and you see where it goes yeah if it lands on something funny it lands on something funny yeah and then you find what's funny in the next night you tried it it's [ __ ] awesome it's fresh and its new all the time that's the ort store yeah that's where right right right yeah bats with all those guys economy sure do the same thing improv I do the improv I'm in LA mostly and that's the same thing there is it there's that type of it energy it's like but when you get young kids or you get those people to just do their acts to get [ __ ] and they go up and murder and you're like great fantastic yeah but they're not actually building anything no I don't think they may never shoot an hour right you know today's you got to kill them when you're at a certain point like when you're coming up but there's a lot of pressure to [ __ ] do well cuz you're competing for spots you know what I mean it's like you're competing with Dave Attell for spots at the Comedy Cellar so what are gonna do go up there and bomb for your [ __ ] you're doing it for six but you can't you have to go up there and kill but once you say that I'm because I think I was always caught in between that like I remember one time seeing a Tosh go up and murder with all brand-new stuff like figuring things out murder and I was like [ __ ] man and we were hanging out I was like oh this is probably of five years ago six years ago maybe even more no had a shell I did not have a TV scene he have a show yes he did I was not on TV yet and he was his intosh point I was on and he said and I was like I got a we were hanging out I was like I gotta [ __ ] write more he's like no you just need to get famous and then write more he was like it's pointless to he's like you just gotta kill every time you go up I was like so [ __ ] caught in between that of like what wins the point when you start going I'm okay to just work on new material versus I need to go up and do well tonight it depends on what you want like I get very bored like I get [ __ ] out of my mind boy with material I do like it tries to be crazy so I eventually want to working on new stuff and that usually becomes the opening because then I just go on on the road and start doing it up front and then I [ __ ] it's like I [ __ ] out them into the old material the stuff that gets squeezed out the back end of the hour just doesn't make it to the special yeah I think I was I was in the place we're headed on an hour in a while I've done it since 2009 and I was just backlogged with all this [ __ ] stuff that I knew worked and I just had no passion for stand-up so I was like I don't know work on new stuff so I gotta get rid of this stuff when I did this hour now I'm working on all new stuff and it's like you get excited about stand-up again half the [ __ ] stuff I started on this tour I'm not doing any more really heaven I'm not doing I didn't even I didn't even pay attention to it Kelsey's father said after like a watch thing you're not doing a lot of the stuff you were doing it so you just kid like look [ __ ] bored of boring yeah yeah yeah how guys do it I've said that a million times I don't know how they do it [ __ ] four years oh [ __ ] I like like I don't know how I don't know how like a hypnotist does it where he's got to do the same thing every time like or like uh I mean some people just go up there and they'll it they're not doing anything like they just want adulation like it doesn't matter what it is right it's not the art form it's I'll tell them when you see like young comics who murder who are good-looking dudes I go don't let [ __ ] derail your talent because there's a lot of guys that literally the I would name and you go wait what ever happened to them it's just like they were in New York and they were in LA and they just it was about getting on stage doing the bits that made women think they want to [ __ ] them right yeah and then you're like I mean I'd say names but it would be rude but there are guys we both know that you're like man you were funny as [ __ ] but all you cared about was getting it same it's the same with alcohol alcoholics guys who just are like I'm only at the club so I can get [ __ ] drunk right they get drunk before they go onstage it just becomes this exercise like I have my ten minutes this is the ten minutes that gets me late I'm gonna go up I'm gonna do my ten minutes that way I can get late yeah boy is that not been my [ __ ] mo no I have done nothing but self-destruct actually you haven't found that magical ten minutes see I have not oh my god no he's right if I talk to her on tinder so I uh I watch some of your stuff [ __ ] sickening pregnant flaws Oh people wonder why Jim is doing specials every year though he's so prolific yeah cuz he's searching for that ten minute I can definitely trying to find something that makes somebody want to [ __ ] me for free here act is the antithesis of what does not work that way right and it's not because he's he's an artist it's because he just hasn't figured out what this happened to get out what I can do to override my looks we should take a break Burt your special is gonna be November 11th right 11 11 to 10:00 p.m. on Showtime that's gonna be very very exciting and Burt sticking around Jim Norton tickets are on sale I'm in Philly this weekend and tickets are now on sale for November 4th Friday at the Melrose improv I'm just doing one set there I'll be in Fort Lauderdale the 18th and 19th and possibly the 17th and then December 2nd 3rd is Hartford Connecticut I'm doing the funny bone tickets just went on sale for that and you know all warming up for the Skirball to shoot December 17th it's very good painting is that were you shooting your special yeah I've been shot there and [ __ ] probably almost a decade but it's such a great room and in New York through his veil ability was hard and that room is amazing so [ __ ] you do you know who is releasing it I do but I can't it's not that I can't I'm not allowed to take the contractually they have to announce it believe me I'd love to it I've wanted to be for a long time it's gonna be very very exciting you born but I really left myself open to a [ __ ] even a meaner statement of NASA and don't forget to follow the show off all forms of social media at Jim and Sam show on Twitter Facebook Instagram snapchat

Channel: Jim and Sam Show

Views: 54,223

Keywords: bert kreischer, bertcast, jim norton, stand-up, comedy, notsam, opieradio, opie and jimmy, opie and anthony, radio, podcasting, sirius, xm, siriusxm, jim and sam show, jim and sam, homeless people, domestic chicken, bert kreischer comedy, stand-up comedy, comics, bert kreischer dakota fanning

Id: GJhybtD59tQ

Length: 36min 48sec (2208 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 04 2016