Becoming Trauma Informed Changed My Life | Carla Carlisle | TEDxCharlotte

[Music] she hit me and i mean hard across the face i felt the sting and heat of her hand tears welled up in my eyes this was the moment that changed everything it was the slap that woke me up i was driving down the street with my kindergartner and his birth mom we had a disagreement about something trivial as usual but this day i pushed back my son's birth mom hit me across the face while i was driving with my son in the back seat i didn't know how to respond to her hit i was frozen so i hit my knees and i asked god for guidance today i want to talk to you about trauma it's impact and why i'm so passionate about being trauma informed jc is my son he came into my life a decade ago when i became his newly appointed foster mom i brought him home from the hospital he was my little preemie i was in heaven months later jc was sent to live with his birth parents and i was devastated i knew he was in danger and i wanted to protect him so i let my foster license expire so that i could co-parent with the birth parents this lasted for several years and i was determined to help in the cycle of intergenerational trauma most of us think about physical trauma like a hit on the head a concussion days in the hospital and recovery but there's more than physical the centers for disease control did a study of adults who as children suffered adverse childhood experiences examples are physical emotional and sexual abuse as well as neglect the study showed that children who suffered these experiences often had issues with brain development their physical health and even into their future children who experience severe adverse childhood experiences are 1200 times more likely to try death by suicide at some point in their lives that is staggering and could explain why suicide is the second leading cause of death amongst our country's youth but in that same study there was hope thank goodness there was hope the study showed that having just one loving advocate could change the course of a child's life so i took that hope to heart and for six years j.c lived two lives one with me and the other with his birth parents i had no experience or idea of what their lives were like my childhood resembled the cosby show but set in a small factory town i had a foundation that was built on love and i can't remember a time when i felt unsafe jc on the other hand heard his mom speak of suicide he found a big gun under the couch he was locked out of the back room when the parents would smoke some white stuff and he saw his parents tried to kill each other this happened over and over again i just kept holding on to this idea that one loving advocate could make a change in a child's life and i wanted to be that for jc so for six years i provided for jc and his birth parents food clothing shelter i took care of it all i was committed to helping them break the cycle of intergenerational trauma but that slap it showed me that i wasn't helping at all i thought i was making a safe space for jc but the slap taught me and it showed me it opened my eyes to the fact that i was in danger myself how could i keep him safe if i was in danger a few months after the hit jacy spoke of suicide to his kindergarten teacher it sounds ridiculous but my hands were tied i had no legal rights i had no legal rights and the system wasn't listening months after that he went from talking about it to acting on it yes my six-year-old son tried to die by suicide twice jc was placed in behavioral health for observation i knew i had to take drastic and immediate action to help him get the help he needed his parents were trying to get him out so i went to work and in three days i had emergency custody i spent the next few years in court battling for my son restraining orders custody battle there were death threats and eventually i got permanent custody it was draining but i held on to the hope i held on to our love and i look to our future and then i adopted jc he was mine and i became that loving advocate that committed consistent advocate that i wanted to be i kept asking could he recover could he have a normal childhood but no one could or would answer me so i got busy and i learned all that i could about being trauma informed and that's what i became i was trauma informed everybody was talking about jc's behavior by this time he had multiple diagnoses ptsd adhd i knew it was deeper than just these labels i needed to connect the dots so i took to heart and i just got busy and continued to learn and what i found was that these adverse childhood experiences had caused developmental delays in jc and it drastically changed his behavior he went from this gentle giant kindergarten who told his classmates be kind stay in line to a big boy who hit and punched and cursed me out he called me the b word more times than i can even count it sounds grim but i just kept hoping that i could remain in his life as this loving advocate and then i had to look at the impact of all this on me see i compartmentalized my life with the birth parents from the people who loved me i didn't want to hear lectures about how bad things were i knew i was acting out of fear i was scared for his life and for losing him i lived my life in hyper vigilance mode for so long that even when the threat was gone i was on edge i was humiliated i was a victim of domestic violence at the hands of his birth mother i couldn't say this back then not even in my mind but i'll say it and share it with you today out loud i was a doormat with the birth parents i can't believe it's been a decade since jc came into my life together we've grown we've both had intense trauma-informed therapy jc has increased coordination he has coping skills that help him better handle his triggers he plays football he loves sports his personality is sweet he is kind and i'm not just saying that because he's mine most importantly he feels safe and we have a village of support i still deal with anxiety and depression but through therapy through prayer self-care and through sharing our journey with you like i'm sharing right now i feel so much better i've been reinvented not by design but by my life's journey through the pain i found purpose in speaking up i found power in advocacy we may not be able to totally erase the effects that trauma have on ourselves or our children but we can learn from it we can be that loving advocate that helps a child go from merely surviving to thriving we can share our experiences real life experiences we go through things saying them out loud and normalizing the conversation around taboo topics like mental health and trauma can open the door to healing it can help us and others i went from not understanding trauma to living it i took the knowledge of being trauma informed and applied it and that brought us together forever jc and me prayer with works we are together forever as mother and son and for that i am grateful thank you [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 65,530

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Life, Health, Mental health, Parenting

Id: RT7aiDiAI84

Length: 13min 29sec (809 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 09 2021