[classical music] [To the tune of 'Belle'] ♪ Brows Held High ♪ ♪ My respected web show ♪ ♪ I opine ♪ ♪ for a couple bucks ♪ ♪ Brows Held High ♪ ♪ Everybody loves it ♪ ♪ All my colleagues say ♪ It sucks! It sucks! It sucks! It sucks! It sucks! Figures. ♪ In 1946, the Reich had fallen ♪ ♪ And France no longer said "Sieg Heil" ♪ ♪ And from this new status quo ♪ ♪ came a man named Jean Cocteau ♪ ♪ And he made a fairy tale ♪ Lewis: Good morning, Kyle!
Kyle: Good morning, Monsieur! Lewis: Where are you off to?
Kyle: Reviewing a movie. I found the most wonderful story
about the nature of love and the creative process, and an allusion to Orpheus... Lewis: That's nice. Viga! More Cybermats, hurry up! ♪ Look there he goes, he thinks he's
smart or something ♪ ♪ A most pretentious cinephile ♪ ♪ With a condescending gaze ♪ ♪ And an allergy to praise ♪ ♪ What Brows Held Hi-falutin prick, that Kyle ♪ ♪It sucks ♪ ♪ It blows ♪ ♪ It raped my childhood! ♪ ♪ It's bad ♪ ♪ It's worse ♪ ♪ It's Uwe Boll ♪ ♪ It's dumb ♪ ♪ It's weird ♪ ♪ It's got Ben Affleck ♪ ♪ It delves into a tortured artist's soul ♪ What?! How is this art? Artists have souls?
I can torture Sam Kieth? Ven: Hi Kyle!
Kyle: Hi Ven! You caught me in the middle of my next musical episode. Ven: Ooh! Can I sing? Kyle: Well, I'd have to write you a whole bit and do a...uh...er... Ven: Kyle! I have been working with you for years. I am just as good a singer as you are, if not better.
I need to sing! Kyle: Yes
Ven: Really? Kyle: Ven, I can't let you not sing. I refuse to do a musical episode including a sub-plot where someone tries to sing but can't. It is literally the only character trait that Doug has ever written for me. I refuse to do it! Ven: When do we start?
Kyle: Later. I'm doing a bit! Ven: Okay! ♪ He only touches films we've never heard of ♪ ♪ Can you believe he has such guile? ♪ ♪ Why should we click on the link, ♪ ♪ If we don't know what to think? ♪ ♪ No, I just don't understand the ways of Kyle ♪ ♪ Oh, it needs no announcing ♪ ♪ Just how many hearts this tale has moved ♪ ♪ Ev'n if they fail pronouncing ♪ ♪ The name Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve ♪ It's Jeanne-Marie Lerince de Beaumont, dipshit! - This is the abriged version!
- Still wrong! I will fight you on this! ♪ Hello, I'm Paw and now it's time for Best! Worst! ♪ ♪ The best is obviously me ♪ ♪ And the worst is yonder snob ♪ ♪ Who disliked Les Misérables ♪ ♪ Do I really have to spell it out? ♪ ♪ I think you have to spell it out ♪ ♪ Alright, let's spell it out: K-Y-L-E ♪ Tony: And that's why I think Walt Disney
should have been played by Samuel L. Jackson. Until next time, I'm Some Jerk with a Camera. Masked Slasher: Aw, that was an awesome shot, jerk! Why you gotta be the greatest white, male,
Jewish, overweight, long-haired, bespectacled theme park reviewer over thirty
the world's ever known! Tony: I know. Masked Slasher: No ride alive can withstand your review!
No reviewer for that matter. Tony: It's true, Masked Slasher.
And I'm pointing my camera at that one. Masked Slasher: The Brows Held High guy? Tony: He's the one. The lucky reviewer I introduce to the magic of mass entertainment. Masked Slasher: Oh, but he's...
Tony: The most pretentious reviewer online! Masked Slasher: I know, but...
Tony: That makes him the worst! Tony: And don't I not fail to never not deserve the worst? Masked Slasher: Y-Y-Yes ♪ In 1991, the mouse was thriving ♪ ♪ With Eisner, Katzenberg and Wells ♪ ♪ When the studio unveiled♪ ♪ A new-fangled fairy tale ♪ ♪ With a storyline that rang a couple bells ♪ ♪ Hey look! Some jerk! He's got a camera ♪ ♪ Who's he? Don't know? I thought you knew! ♪ ♪ I think he does reviews of Disney ♪ ♪ I've never seen his show so I've no clue ♪ It sucks! It blows! It's crap! It's shit! It's worse than cancer! It's overrated! It's drek! It's whack! I feel unclean! So, let's review! It stinks! It hurts! I hate it! It has no atmosphere! ♪ A timeless masterpiece of silver screen ♪ ♪ But make that guy review a film we've seen ♪ ♪ Look over there at the annoying douche-bag ♪ ♪ Who put the RC crap on trial ♪ ♪ What a wretched human being ♪ ♪ I like him ♪ ♪ Shut up, Ian ♪ ♪ For my shows next cinematic feast ♪ ♪ I'm doing Beauty and the Beast ♪ ♪ Well, you better do it right, at least ♪ ♪ He's Kyle ♪
It sucks! It sucks! It sucks! It sucks! It sucks! IT SUCKS! Kyle: I've been whisked away to a Disney theme park. I am as the boy who met the world. Tony: Magic of the jump cut, my friend. Welcome to the happiest place on Harbor Boulevard. Kyle: I feel like a targeted demographic.
Tony: That'll go away. Kyle: Why is my tie covered in Mickeys? Tony: Oh, that's a side effect from the teleportation. It'll probably go back and forth randomly throughout this video. Come on, cheer up! We're at Disneyland! Kyle: But...why? Tony: Well, I figured If you're gonna do Disney, why not go to the source? Kyle: Disney? Tony: You're reviewing "Beauty and the Beast", yes? Kyle: "La Belle et La Bête", oui. Tony: Okay, my German's a little rusty,
but I'm flattered and I don't swing that way. Kyle: Were you not listening during the song?
Jean Cocteau's "La Belle et la Bête" Released in 1946,
right after France's liberation from German occupation, and often seen as a kickstarter for post-war French cinema, this adaptation of Villeneuve's fairy tale of the same name was the child of the celebrated French poet, playwright, graphic artist,
and jack of all artistic trades Jean Cocteau. A surrealist romp through metaphor and allegory with lush imagery by cinematographer Henri Alekan, this film... [Tony snoring] Wake up! Tony: Ariel swallowed Tinkerbell! Ah crap! I didn't study for this test; I hate these dreams! Kyle: No no, this is the movie. Though you're not wrong. This is a surrealist film.
And surrealism is the art form that studies dreams. Tony: I have to watch an art film and read?
It's not right for reviewers to read. Soon we start getting ideas and thinking. Kyle: It's just a quick preamble, no big deal. Tony: Okay, okay let's turn on subtitles. Tony: French, french french... Whatever. cursive, cursive, cursive.... I've never heard that even as a kid.... I don't know why that would ever be shameful.... Hang on a second! This film wants us not to think about it?!
You sure this is an art movie? Kyle: Well not not think about it, but think like a child. Tony: How am I supposed to think like a child? Idiot. [carnival music plays] Kyle: The film opens with this lovely bucolic scene of... Uhm... animal cruelty. Tony: Well, it's an art movie.
Shocked it took 'em this long. Kyle: As we're introduced to the family of La Belle. Tony: What, you mean the sombrero Queen Elizabeths here? Kyle: Well one, they're wearing 17th century dress to evoke an early modern setting. Specifically the paintings of Johannes Vermeer. And two, those are Belle's evil stepsisters. Tony: Wow, evil stepsisters.
Can't get that in a Disney film. Kyle: They were in the original story and
probably cut from the Disney version for... ...well, reminding people too much of Cinderella. They serve the same story purpose here. As examples of bad behavior to make the
protagonists look better by comparison. Tony: Yeah it's hard to be likeable
when you travel by manservant. Tony: Yeah, if these women were alive today, they'd be hiring disabled people to help them cut in line for Star Tours. [posh voice] Sure, we could get a fast pass,
but those are for poor people! Kyle: What's a fast pass? Tony: You got a lot to learn around these parts. Kyle: ANYWAY. The film follows the original story quite closely. It's about a middle class family consisting of Belle,
her father, her brother, and two sisters. Belle's father, a down on his luck merchant,
leaves home to collect a shipment. Before leaving home, he asks his daughters
what they want when he returns. Tony: Did she just say she wants a monkey? Tony: She just said she wants a monkey.
This movie is a masterpiece! [stepsisters laugh] Tony: [laughs] Sorry, we just watched a Jeff
Dunham special. That guy's hilarious! Kyle: Stop riffing! That's the crux of the entire story! The selfish sisters only want riches,
while the humble sister only seeks beauty. It's a morality play as well as a love story. Tony: So while the 90's blamed everything on selfish male machismo, the 40's blamed everything on selfish female cattiness? Kyle: That's a bit...reductive. Tony: The Criterion collection proudly, and yet
humbly presents: Women Be Shoppin' Kyle: Now hold on! Tony: While we're at it, how am I supposed to buy that asking for a rose is less reasonable than asking for a monkey? Tony: Child logic?
Kyle: Child logic. Kyle: Okay, let's skip ahead a little bit because I want to get to the cool stuff. The scenes at Belle's house are all Vermeer realism, but once Belle's father gets to the beast's castle,
it gets all Gustave Doré on us. Tony: I swear you're just making up names. Kyle: Doré was the guy who illustrated the book. God, look at that design. Tony: Yeah, it looks absolutely nothing like the Disney version of the castle at all. Kyle: That's because I haven't shown you the interiors yet. Kyle: Eh? Isn't that beautiful? Tony: It might be if I hadn't already ridden
the Haunted Mansion ninety billion times. Kyle: The 'what what'? Tony: The Haunted Mansion. Those arm candelabras
are from the Haunted Mansion, the living statue busts are from the haunted mansion. This couldn't be more like the Haunted Mansion if Paul Frees himself challenged us to find a way out! Lord knows I'm trying! Kyle: Um, wouldn't it make more sense that the Haunted Mansion was trying to be like Cocteau's film? I mean this isn't an unpopular movie
or an uninfluential one. Lots of mid-twentieth century
Gothic fiction borrowed from it. [ ♪ Addams Family theme ♪ ] In fact, let's skip ahead here
and look at Belle's first entrance into the castle. And upon entering, it becomes this gorgeously surreal piece of psychomagical etherealism. Building on a personal mythology guided by classical iconography, mirrors to other worlds, magical gloves,
living Pygmalion-like statues. Cocteau's near Freudian sequence of tunnels and hallways makes it clear that Belle's exploring her own subconscious desires, as much as she's exploring the home of her new suitor. Tony: Does any of what you just said mean that she's having a total eclipse of the heart? Cause that's what it looks like. It looks like there's nothing she can do, a Total Eclipse of the Heart. Kyle: Again, maybe Total Eclipse of the Heart
was trying to be like this movie. Tony: Alright, enough scenery; I wanna see the big guns.
Show me the Beast! Kyle: Alright then. Belle's father enters the castle and remembering his promise to Belle, spies a rose. And when he plucks it... Tony: KITTY! Who's a pretty kitty! Kyle: Stop baby talking the Beast! Look at that face. Look at those eyes. He looks melancholy but defiant.
He looks regal, but fierce. He looks-- Tony: He looks like Hermione drank the wrong polyjuice potion. Kyle: Fine! Okay! He looks like a big cat.
We get it. We get the joke. Can we drop this? Tony: [sigh] Under protest. Tony: [French accent] Everything in this castle is yours.
You want cheeseburger? You can has cheeseburger. Kyle: Will you please stay on topic? Tony: This is on topic!
The Disney Beast was way more effectively terrifying. He wasn't just inhuman, he was in-every animal.
That came out wrong. He was a unique hybrid. Part lion, part wolf, part bear,
part boar, part buffalo and part gorilla with the horns of a bison, the eyes of a human. [clip from "Pete's Dragon"] and the ears of a cow. Tony: This guy is just a big ugly zombie cat.
I wonder what his musical would have looked like. Kyle: But the Beast shouldn't simply be terrifying.
He's frightening at first, yes. But the Beast's main qualities
should be his ugliness and his kindness. I actually love the simplicity of the Beast's design here.
Jean Marais as the Beast is quite a layered character. Cocteau one said of Marais that he deserted the human race
for the animal race. But still, it's the Beast's humanity that comes through the most.
Yes, the makeup is ugly, but soulful as well. It emphasizes his grand liquid eyes full of so much pain. Disney's Beast always seemed too comfortable with his beastliness. Cocteau's Beast is regal, dressed to the nines, and constantly trying to suppress his animal nature in favor of his better angels. His moral beauty is in a self-awareness that other beast took so long to show. Kyle: There's a rather famous story actually.
Greta Garbo saw this film in its 1946 premiere. And at the end, when the beast transforms into a handsome prince, she famously cried out:
"Oh, give me back my beautiful beast!" That alone is a testament to how well this beast is designed. And I'm sorry makeup techniques in 1946 weren't cartoony enough for your liking. But frankly-- uh-uh... [ Childlike giggles from Tony ] Kyle: Give me that! I'm trying to teach you about a great piece of artwork, and you're just nitpicking and making cat jokes! Tony: You do know which Internet we're on, right? Kyle: How dare you belittle this masterpiece of-- Tony: the most pretentious pile of crap I've ever seen in life.
Who does this snail-eater think he is anyway? Kyle: You bash a man and you don't even know who he is.
You're tangling with the wrong man. Tony: Sorry? Kyle: Why no one even knows Cocteau.
The poet, the artist, the lie who tells the truth. Why it's something I can't bear! Tony: Can of beer? Kyle: Nah. Disneyland's dry and I don't quite trust the talking cars at California Adventure. Besides, I can't let this rest.
You are in bad need of an education. [To the tune of 'Gaston']
♪ No one remembers the name Jean Cocteau ♪ ♪ Buried by cells and by ink ♪ They weren't using... ♪ I'm here to praise and reclaim Jean Cocteau ♪ ♪ And his fable for those who can think ♪
Tony: Hey! ♪ A poet, a painter, a playwright and more ♪ ♪ It breaks my artistic morale ♪ ♪ At line-dancing cutlery, they shout 'encore' ♪ ♪ But they overlook lowly Jeanelle ♪ ♪ No one plots like Cocteau ♪ ♪ Frames his shots like Cocteau♪ ♪ Makes his passions your everyday thoughts like Cocteau ♪ ♪ For he makes lucid elegant tableaus ♪ ♪ Mythic and wondrous to see ♪ ♪ Why just ask Edith, Igor or Pablo ♪ ♪ And they'll point out the man who's the toast of Paris ♪ ♪ No one plays like Cocteau, ♪ ♪ Spins a phrase like Cocteau, ♪ ♪ Fills your gaze with amazing ballets like Cocteau! ♪ ♪ And for that he gets critics eja-culating♪ ♪ Don't judge my kinks or Cocteau! ♪ ♪ He's dull and weird ♪ ♪ He's overwrought ♪ ♪ But look at this petrified fountain of thought! ♪ Huh? Kyle, it's water. How high ARE your brows? ♪ No one styles like Cocteau, ♪ ♪ None beguile like Cocteau, ♪ ♪ Makes us view through the eyes of a child like Cocteau ♪ ♪ His response to the bourgeoisie's high hat ♪ ♪ Was to spell out his fairy-tale tone ♪ ♪ Can't believe Michael Bay hasn't tried that ♪ ♪ You know kids think this movie makes sense ♪
♪ No, we don't ♪ ♪ No one bores like Cocteau ♪ ♪ Causes snores like Cocteau ♪ ♪ Depicts women as gold digging whores like Cocteau ♪ ♪ His effects are so old, they need carbon dating ♪ ♪ P-tooey! To the snob Jean Cocteau! ♪ ♪ When he was a youth with the Russian Ballet, ♪ ♪ He had barely inscribed a few lines ♪ ♪ But in his old age, the Académie Française ♪ ♪ Consecrated his Orphic design! ♪ Tony: Hey, you can't say Orphic here! Kyle: Huh? No. Tony: Watch your fucking mouth!
We're in fucking Disneyland, motherfucker! Kyle: No, no, no. Orphic as in Orpheus. It's one of the myths that he returned over and over throughout his career. The artist who goes to the underworld,
becomes changed and returns. It's the guiding narrative of Cocteau's body of work. Surrealism as a movement is about realizing the subconscious. And for Cocteau, Orpheus symbolized realization. The artist delves into the soul
and brings his findings back to the world. Cocteau was always enamored with classical mythology,
but Orpheus stuck with him the most. Look at his first film. "Blood of a Poet" opened with an artist going through a mirror to the underworld and coming back inspired. Later, after "Beauty and the Beast", he would make a film about Orpheus, also starring Jean Marais. And his final film, the one that is clearly undisguised autobiography was called "The Testament of Orpheus." And you can see it here as well. The beast's castle is an underworld. A dreamland ruled by dream laws. And Belle is Orpheus,
delving into the underworld to find her beloved. In fact, that's kind of how we see the movies, no? When watching a film, aren't we all Orpheus? We sit down, the lights dim, and we're transported to another world by the lights flickering on the wall of the cave. Film is its own little underworld, a complete immersion in...
[Candy Crush sound effects] [Candy Crush sound effects] Turn your damn phone off.
Tony: No, the candy needs crushing. ♪ No one beams like Cocteau ♪ ♪ Writes their themes like Cocteau ♪ ♪ As his schemes seem to gleam in your dreams like Cocteau ♪ ♪ For there ne'er was a man who's as--
♪
♪ OVERRATED ♪ ♪ I'll say it again! ♪ ♪ He's as good with the pen ♪ ♪ As he is with a play ♪ ♪Or a film he'll convey ♪ ♪ With his mirrors and gloves ♪ ♪ All the things that he loves ♪ ♪ Sing his praise from Calais to Bordeaux ♪ ♪ There's just one great auteur ♪ ♪ Whose whole work is secured ♪ ♪And his name's C-O-C♪ [Tony snorts] ♪ C-O-C ♪
Tony: -K ♪ C-O-C-T ♪
Tony: -K Kyle: C-O-C-K Aw, fuck it. ♪ COCTEAU! ♪ Introducing the all-new 1946 Acura Manservant.
Quality You Can Shriek At
I like Brows Held High a lot. If it wasn't for him I probably wouldn't have watched Chimes at Midnight or Man with a Movie Camera.
Here are the other parts
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciLWyJXOkPU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XdGK2lHye4
In Kyle’s defense, playing the screamy hyper-negative critic was never a major part of his show in the first place, and he’s moved toward more legitimate analysis over the last few years. For that matter, I think his videos have almost exclusively focused on Criterion films for a long time; heck, his “Naked Lunch” video is where I first heard about the CC. (Funnily enough, at the time that was his first review of a CC film, but his first review ever was of “Antichrist”).