Previously on The West Wing -What's in the west--
-It's forbidden! [Tony] So does every version of Beauty and the Beast have Beast win Belle over by giving her stuff? [Kyle] It's a fairy tale. The text here is also subtext. It's a symbolic act of trust. The Beast is giving her the key his safe and all his material wealth. Frankly, it's still a bigger gesture of trust and respect than just showing her where the library is. [Tony] Yeah. Cause women only want money and not respect, or culture, or a genuine interest in their personality. Blah, Blah, Blah! [Kyle] Okay, fair enough. [Tony] Uhh, step two? [Tony] Child logic?
[Kyle] Child logic. [Tony] Wait didn't she get there by horse?
[Kyle] Well, what about the horse? [Tony] Tell you what, I'll refrain from making a Nintendo Power Glove joke if you tell me why she can't just go home on the horse she rode in on. [Kyle] Um... the... the... the glove is... ...more magical. And the glove causes THIS to happen. [clip] Ohhh! [Tony] The movie just gasped at itself. Because...art? [Kyle] Because it's a direct reference to this scene in Blood of a Poet. [clip] Ohhh! [Tony] So Cocteau just quoted himself?! Man, I wasn't kidding when I called him self-indulgent! You go, me! [Kyle] Well, what's wrong with trying to make a cohesive body of work? It's a motif, not a meme. [Tony] I love the birthing wall. It's so bad. [Kyle] THAT was a meme.
[Tony] Deal with it! [Kyle] Oh have a heart. This is a lovely moment, we're coming up to. [Tony] Is she actually crying diamonds? [Tony] -This is all Satan's fault!
-It's okay, you can keep them.
-Awesome! [Kyle] Come on! That's a lovely little gesture. [Tony] What? Is she gonna use the tear diamonds to buy some blood diamonds and then save up for sweat diamonds so she can form a band? [Kyle] Oh, oh now I get it.
[Tony] It's a joke. You have to think about, I know. [Kyle] Anyway, her riches are gifts to her from the beast which symbolize what she has gained emotionally from their relationship. Which is why this happens. [Tony] Okay, THAT was cool. [Kyle] Another metaphor. Because the sisters are shallow and selfish, they can only see the Beast's grace as ugly and monstrous. The same thing happens when they try to use the mirror. [Tony] Monkey!
[Kyle] Oh, joy. [Tony] And is that the same sister who said she wanted a monkey? Oh my god, this movie IS deep. I'm sorry I ever doubted you, art movie man. [Kyle] Good, I finally taught you culture. [Tony] It wasn't the beauty, it was monkey killed the Beast. [Kyle] Moving! On! The sisters ask Avenant and their brother to use Magnifique to ride to the castle and steal the beast's treasure. [Tony] Steal treasure which they know from first-hand experience they cannot use. [Kyle] Uhh... yeah okay fine. Now the scene where Belle reunites with the Beast is intercut with the men breaking into the Beast's vault of treasures. And it's one of my favorite scenes of the film. And a beautiful spin on the original story's ending. [Tony] I'm sorry. The Beast's face is the most hilarious death mask I've ever seen. And I've seen some damn funny ones. Oh my Beast, I'm so sorry I left you. Durrrrrrr [Kyle] MOVING! ON!
Durrrrrrr As the beast lays dying and Avenant breaks into the vault, something incredible happens. [Tony] I don't know. I don't think anything can beat that derp face of... [Tony] WhaaaaaaAAAAAA--?! [Kyle] Child log--
[Tony] If you say child logic, I swear to God I will give the nearest child an un-anesthetized lobotomy. Seriously, what the shit just happened?! [Tony] Can those spirits come back and explain how the fuck that curse works?! [Tony] No shit! Was the Prince Avenant the whole time? Did that arrow have magic body-switching powers? Did they both die at the same time and quantum leap into each other? Did they both hold a fortune cookie or some bullshit and wish they could be each other's person for the... aaah! Wait a minute, wait a minute. I gotta try an experiment. [Spazzmaster's voice] I'm okay! [Tony] Man, even Belle doesn't know what the fuck just happened! He's just rushing by without us. Hey! You can't just leave without an explanation! I demand answers! What?! Don't get raptured now! I refuse to be left behind Kirk Cameron or Nicholas Cage! Hey! You! Get off of that cloud! I am the audience, you are the movie, I outrank you! Explain yourself! Explaaaaaaaaain! [Kyle] Whoa, whoa, chill out. I got this. Cocteau had Jean Marais play both the Beast and Avenant for a very good reason: Belle's love has always been for the same man. In the original story, as Belle slept in the Beast's castle, she dreamt of a handsome prince asking her why she could not love the beast. Of course, she was dreaming of the Beast in his human form. So here, it takes the form of the man that she didn't know she loved. The ideal surrealist story: the subconscious made real. In Disney terms: the dream as a wish your heart makes. And the way that the wish comes true comes once again from Cocteau's interest in classical myth. And a very different beauty and the beast story: Diana and Actaeon. In Ovid's Metamorphoses, a man named Actaeon spied Diana, goddess of the hunt, bathing in a stream. She saw him and as punishment for his trespassing turned him into a stag. Remember how I said the beast was originally going to be more deer-like than cat-like? That was why. Combining that myth with the ending of La Belle et la Bête creates a complex metaphor for how love, the symbolic beauty, can both create beasts and save them. Which is explicitly stated in the movie. And so, La Belle reveals both beauty and beast. So, those are my thoughts. Uh Jerk, what do you think? [Tony] Well, it's not just that this film has a monkey, it's that it doesn't overuse the monkey. A potent lesson for filmmakers everywhere. [Kyle] Will you please take this seriously?! [Tony] Alright, you want my real opinion? Here's my real opinion: I enjoyed some of Cocteau's unconventional Cocteau-ian stylistic flourishes and individual bits of dialogue, but some things are conventional for a reason because they work. [To the tune of 'Something There']
♪ When Jean's film ends ♪ ♪ I just feel numb ♪ ♪ He undercut the transformation, made it dumb ♪ ♪ But Disney made ♪ ♪ That end sublime ♪ ♪ A worthy tribute to the tale as old as time ♪ [Tony] I know we're supposed to view this through the mind of a child, but is that not just an excuse for lazy writing? Cocteau's Belle was well played but not particularly well written. Cocteau's Beast was well written, but not particularly well played. And the relationship between them just isn't as believable as Disney's. All he's offering her is material stuff. [Kyle] He did that in the Disney film too. [Tony] Yeah, but here it's all he's offering her aside from not eating her alive. ♪ In Cocteau's film ♪ ♪ The lady Belle ♪ ♪ Just out of pity for the Beast, in love she fell ♪ ♪ In Disney's film ♪ ♪ They grew and learned ♪ ♪ And thus the love between la Belle and Beast was earned ♪ [Kyle] You're taking this way too literally. Cocteau's film isn't just beast meets girl. It's a journey into the greater subconscious. And that's something you don't see in Hollywood. Even the biggest films have all these arbitrary rules, as silly as those rules are. [Tony] You're saying Hollywood doesn't have enough plot holes? [Kyle] I'm saying they like to pretend they don't exist. ♪ Blending thoughts ♪ ♪ Dueling fears ♪ ♪ It's not about the people, it's about ideas ♪ ♪ The dream of life ♪ ♪ Before you wake ♪ ♪ It's fiction calling itself fiction, give or take ♪ ♪ Why would they steal a treasure ♪ ♪ That would turn to dog shit in their hands? ♪ ♪ Try to look past mere pleasure ♪ ♪ See, they symbolize short sighted greed and its demands ♪ [Tony]♪ I'm very lost ♪
[Kyle]♪ I know you are ♪ [Tony]♪ The plot has holes ♪
[Kyle]♪ Just try to think ♪ [Tony]♪ She's crying diamonds; is her head made out of coal? ♪
[Kyle]♪You just don't get it ♪ [Tony]♪ This stupid film ♪
[Kyle]♪ This brilliant film ♪ [Tony]♪ Is such a bore ♪
[Kyle]♪ Is not a chore ♪ [Kyle] ♪ It's just the logic of a dream and nothing more ♪ [Tony] ♪ I get eight hours of that for free each time I snore ♪ [Kyle] ♪ It's just the logic of a dream and nothing more ♪ [Tony] On the other hand, your version had a monkey. Let's call it a draw. [Kyle] Okay seriously, cut the music! This is something that has pissed me off for a long ass time! A story isn't a one-to-one reflection of human behavior! It's a chemical reaction that happens when you mix one idea of humanity with another idea of humanity! And that's what Cocteau's film is. Of course it's tough to accept the fuzzy dream logic. You're in your home, but it's also a castle. You're wearing rags one moment, at the next moment you're wearing jewels and satin. A Beast gives you jewels and treasures, but he's also giving you trust and friendship. You're with a man who is your suitor, but he's also a beast because you both fear and love him; pity and respect him. It's using metaphor as text, not subtext. And that's a way to tell a story that no one uses any more. And the cinema is poorer for it. [Tony] Are we?! Look, I'm all for absurd random weirdness for the sake of a joke, that's why I love the monkey so much! But if you're trying to actually make a point about something, why would you want to confuse people and muddy that point? Say what you will, I sincerely believe understanding what an audience would want to see is tremendously underrated as an art form in and of itself. If there was a precise formula to make everyone love a film, then everyone would employ it every time. Even the directors of Disney's Beauty and the Beast are only one for three in that arena. It's a matter of balancing what you want to tell the audience and they, without even knowing it, want you to say. [Kyle] But that's the problem. Hollywood films always say what they think you want them to say. That's not artistry, that's flattery! Everything they do is a calculated reaffirmation of the status quo to avoid offending any focus groups. And that makes you feel good for two hours. Fine. Nothing lost, nothing gained. You leave the theater with a feeling of mild satisfaction like every other damn movie out there. Because you are speaking to a committee, not a person. Real people have flaws and biases and ideas that don't make sense. But committees? All those flaws are neatly airbrushed away. God dang it, when I watch a movie, I want to know that I'm talking to a human being! [Tony] Oh boo hoo! Another tortured artist wishing he wasn't so alone! Literally anyone can make a deeply personal film with enough money and resources, but I'd rather hear an artist talk TO me than AT me. [Kyle] Jean Cocteau is talking to you, you're just not listening. [Tony] I don't speak French! What's your reason not to listen?! [Kyle] Yeah, why shouldn't I listen to a multi-million-dollar Pizza Hut commercial?! [Tony] Why should I have to listen to a snobby amateur babble on about how much it sucks to be him?! [Kyle] Philistine! [Tony] Fraud! [Kyle and Tony] Why can't you just...look past the surface? [Kyle] Damn. Maybe I do just like it because it's French. [Tony] Maybe I just like it because it's Disney. [Kyle] There's a reason it's a tale as old as time. It teaches the most important lesson a child can learn: Empathy. How to love the flawed. [Tony] We've both been superficial. Ignoring our own flaws and nitpicking the others. [Kyle] I'm sorry I've been a Beast. [Tony] We've both been each others' beasts and our own beauties. [Kyle] Hey, Disney's version has heart in all the right places. [Tony] And Cocteau's version is creative in all the right ways. [Kyle] Agree to disagree?
[Tony] Agreed. [Tony] Well that was fun.
[Kyle] Very. [Tony] So um, I look forward to seeing this online and if you ever want to do another Disney sing-a-long, just let me know. [Kyle] Sure thing. Um... ...Disney sing-a-long? [Tony] Yeah, for someone who hates Disney, you're really good at singing Disney songs. [Kyle] Thank...you. That was...yeah. [Tony] Yeah, Disney songs. Four of them in fact, yeah. [Kyle] Uh, I'm going to go ride rides. [Tony] Cool. Go have fun for once in your life. [Gustav Mahler - Symphony No. 3] [Kyle] This reminds me so much of Schloss Neuschwanstein [man] What that the bad guy from Muppets Most Wanted? [Gustav Mahler - Symphony No. 3] [Tchaikovsky - Garland Waltz] [Kyle] You know, this is some of Tchaikovsky's best work? [woman] Don't you know Lana Del Rey when you hear it? [Gustav Mahler - Symphony No. 3] [man] Hey! That's for saying Cocteau in front of my kids! Cock ain't got no toes. Idiot. [knocking] [Kyle] Hi. [Tony] Hi. [Kyle] Can I step in? [Tony] Uh, sure, sure, yeah. [Kyle] I didn't realize that I was singing Disney songs the whole time. [Tony] Is that a fact? [Kyle] Yeah. I...it makes no sense to me either. I didn't realize how ubiquitous it all was, you know? I didn't realize just how ingrained it was. I spent the whole day at the park, trying to make sense of it and I couldn't, I just couldn't. I mean, it's not all that bad that they stole fairy tales. They did steal Sleeping Beauty twice and Alice in Wonderland twice. And they're remaking The Jungle Book, and Cinderella, and-- [Tony] Beauty and the Beast. [Kyle] What? [Tony] They're doing a live action Beauty and the Beast with Bill Condon. The director of Twilight: Breaking Dawn. [vampire] Cardiac arrest! [Kyle] How could they let this happen? Why are you letting this happen?! How can you have such blind devotion to a mouse?! [Tony] Well, I wouldn't say blind devotion. [Kyle] The mouse infected us as children. Brainwashed us all into zombies. [Tony] NO! Well yes, but-- [Kyle] We're not safe until it's ears are mounted on my Facebook wall. I say we kill the mouse! [To the tune of The Mob Song]
♪ We've been wasting all our lives, throwing money to the wind ♪ ♪ We've been spending our life savings buying all these stupid pins ♪ ♪ We've been going into debt from shopping at the Disney Store ♪ ♪ Now it's time to show resistance, Jerk ♪ ♪It's time to say no more ♪ ♪ There's a monstrous conglomerate; it's circling like a vulture ♪ ♪ And won't rest until all culture's in its grip ♪ ♪ They've got Marvel and Star Wars and ABC and Muppets ♪ ♪ And now even Maker Studios and Blip ♪ ♪ Kenneth Grahame, A. A. Milne, P. L. Travers ♪ ♪ All consumed and entombed in this house ♪ ♪ When they're done, call Tom Hanks and he'll save Mr. Banks ♪ ♪ What a crock ♪ ♪ Cut the schlock ♪ ♪ Kill the mouse! ♪ [Ven] Well, my singing bit came and went. Nothing to do. ♪ We get stung when we're young ♪ ♪ And they keep us hooked until we die ♪ ♪ It's worse than the tobacco industry ♪ ♪ Come on Kyle, give a smile ♪ ♪ Don't you have a #disneyside ♪ ♪ Why certainly, I spell it with a C ♪ ♪ Yes the mouse is a rat. It's a vermin ♪ ♪ It's the right parasite to delouse ♪ ♪Grab your torch, mount your hate. Time to exterminate ♪ ♪ Make the rodent meet its fate ♪ [Tony] I thought he was Belle and I was Gaston. Yeah Ven?
[Ven] Yo. [Tony] We have an emergency. He has gone Oswald. Repeat, he has gone Oswald. [Ven] Oswald the Lucky Rabbit or Lee Harvey Oswald? [Tony] Both. [Ven] Can I sing?
[Tony] No. ♪ M-I-C-K-E-Y Why? ♪ ♪ Because you ruin everything. And so assassination we espouse ♪ ♪ Call Judge Doom, get some dip, make the rodent take a sip ♪ ♪ And let producers back on Blip ♪ ♪ Let's kill the mouse! ♪ [Ven] Well, nothing to do. Might as well surf IMDb. [jingle] what you do instead of things [Ven] Putain de merde (Fuckin shit)! ♪ When you wish on a star, Mickey shows up in your living room ♪ ♪ And buys your very soul like you were Faust ♪ ♪ It's a trap, it's a crime! Mickey's running out of time ♪ ♪ We're gonna clean up Anaheim ♪ ♪ And kill-- ♪
[Ven] Kyle! They remade Beauty and the Beast! The French version! Yep, Vincent Cassel as the Beast, Léa Seydoux as Belle, directed by... ...that guy who did the movie version of Silent Hill. But I won't hold that against him. And It's already come out in Europe. No idea if America will ever get to see it, but there's still that Warner Bros. project with Emma Watson that Guillermo del Toro dropped out of that's still going ahead, and Disney's doing some bullshit or whatever. But hey! A new version of La Belle et La Bête. Isn't that cool? A whole new generation growing up with this story! [Kyle] This changes everything. [Ven] Kyle? You forgot me again. [Kyle] I was so wrong. [Tony] The French can remake old stories just like the Americans can. [Kyle] Anyone can remake anything. And you know what? They should. [Tony] It's a tale as old as time. [Kyle] And stories gain power through their retelling. [Tony] Disney doesn't own Beauty and the Beast. [Kyle] Neither does Cocteau. [Kyle and Tony] Stories are owned by no one. [laughs] [Kyle] I almost killed a fictional character.
[Tony] Almost. [Kyle] With a wooden gun.
[Tony] And green. Yeah, green. You could chroma key any color on but it's... [Kyle] So, want to end this in true Disney fashion, with a dance? [Tony] Actually, let's end it a français. [Kyle] Yeah, we can't fly.
[Tony] Yeah. Disney ending? [Kyle] Sure. Hey, Ven. Want to sing the last song? [to the tune of Beauty and the Beast] ♪ Vincent Cassel's film ♪ ♪ David Pownall's play ♪ ♪ Golan Globus too♪ ♪ Tried to make it new ♪ ♪ With Miss De Mornay ♪ ♪ David Lister twice ♪ ♪Meat Loaf videos ♪ ♪ Twilight: Breaking Dawn ♪ ♪ Perlman comma Ron ♪ ♪ Disney's and Cocteau's ♪ ♪Jean Cocteau once said ♪ ♪ And we say again ♪ ♪ Film won't be an art ♪ ♪ Until they make its parts ♪ ♪Cheap as ink and pen ♪ ♪ David Bowie's song ♪ ♪ Also Stevie Nicks ♪ ♪ Books around the world ♪ ♪ Beastly with that girl ♪ ♪ From the spring break flick ♪ ♪ Films with Kevin James ♪ ♪ Some Australian show ♪ ♪TV's Kreuk and Ryan ♪ ♪ Monday nights at nine ♪ ♪ Disney and Cocteau ♪ ♪ Even the X-Men ♪ ♪ It will never end ♪ ♪ Disney and Cocteau ♪ [Kyle] Hey Ven? You shall never sing in this town again! [Tony] Tune in next week when we compare Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame to Charles Laughton's. [Kyle] Laughton wins.
[Tony] I know.
