Ask Mr. Melman Collection on Letterman, Part 2 of 3: 1985-1986

hi there thank you very much welcome back to the program ladies and gentlemen it's time for something we call ask mr melman now before we bring him out here there are some rules rule number one due to time restrictions you are not allowed to simply ask mr mellman to begin counting rule number two although mr mellman will not be handling food tonight an injunction obtained by a group of concerned parents requires that he wear a hair net anatomical queries may be illustrated with charts or models but please notice robin and finally remember mr mellman is not an attorney ladies and gentlemen larry bob mellman [Applause] [Music] good evening my friends as we enter a new year together 1985 i am reminded of the many years past in which people have sought and received my advice people so pathetically unable to manage their own lives that they would follow the advice of a total stranger like me once again i'm i am here so that the lost in trouble among you might seek my counsel i will answer questions on any subject life love finances home eating but remember i am not an attorney okay uh who has tonight's first question for mr melvin how do you do sir what is your name please scott whitland scott where are you from uh north delmar new york nice to see you sir and your question please uh what's the quickest way to make money i have my cornell tuition bill uh due january 14th and no money to pay it oh trouble okay well my young friend rather than squandering precious years and countless dollars vainly pursuing a higher education you're so obviously ill-equipped to handle my advice is quit school immediately seek your fortune in the rapidly expanding field of semi-skilled labor have you considered the material and spiritual rewards to be found as a fry ship a video rental clerk or as a cartoon character in one of america's theme parks make room for someone who can afford to pay his way someone whose mind will be fertile ground for the powerful seeds of higher learning bill wendell please give that nice person two t-shirts [Applause] who has the next question for uh mr mellman how do you do so what is your name john carlson john oh can you have a question for mr millman yes okay before you do it uh larry periodically try and get a breath okay um uh go ahead with your question john what is the typical woman easy barbara eden bill wendell please give that nice person two t-shirts thank you very much that's the nastiest thing i've ever heard we have we have time for one more all right uh who has the third question for mr millman hi sir what is your name dave denoy dave nice to see you where are you from uh wilton connecticut wilson and your question sir uh can i say hello to my friends first no all right friend george dominguez and mike bonay and mark rowe came here with you know you keep it up and you may not be here through the miracle of editing what is your question my question is um how can i tell if my girlfriend's faking an orgasm or not [Applause] well i could give you a laundry list of visible biological responses but frankly i can't imagine why you should care women enjoy sex too much as it is and worrying about your partner's sexual needs just makes you that much less of a man women have their own ways of satisfying themselves your job is to get them young treat them bad tell them nothing and take them nowhere there you go sir nice meeting you thank you very much oh my god well we'll uh we'll be right back [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thank you folks thank you very much we get we get the handsomest group of humans in here for a studio audience on a regular basis you folks are terrific thank you very much for showing up here tomorrow on this program america's most beloved radio personality howard stern will be joining us also author alice leon moats now you're moaning now this is a fine show don't start whining uh and also comedian larry miller that will be tomorrow night ladies and gentlemen it's time once again for ask mr mellman here are the rules please do not refer to your employer unless by downgrading him you advance the fortunes of the rca corporation or its subsidiary companies number two while mr mellman's progressive medical theories have been practiced with success in several latin american nations he has not yet been officially endorsed by the american medical association three mr mullman wishes that known that he is available for odd jobs or house sitting fridays saturdays and sundays and finally remember mr mellman is not an attorney ladies and gentlemen larry bob nelman a pleasant good evening to all the members of my wonderful wonderful television family once again i am here so that the lost and troubled among you might seek my counsel i will answer questions on any subject life love finance and passing the civil service exam but remember i am not an attorney are you all set you ready larry yeah all right who has the first question tonight for mr melman how do you do sir what is your name alex spelman alex where are you from new jersey what do you do for a living i work for the state of new jersey really in what capacity i work for the department of labor do you like working over there yes how long have you been with him two years you know do you know the nickname of new jersey no the garden it's the garden state what do you mean no i don't know you're in mclean i wouldn't be surprised if they dismissed you do you have a question for mr mellman yes is it possible to create a perpetual motion machine and if so what would yours look like a perpetual motion machine obviously you've never seen me on the dance floor but seriously alex i advise you to stop thinking about such things it will lead to obsession and madness finally drive you to take your own life loosen up have a few drinks bill wendell please give this nice young person two t-shirts all right alan was it nice meeting you thank you i haven't i'm charlie thank you very much who has uh question number two for mr mellman here this evening hi nice to see you what is your what are your names here pat delaney from noah connecticut uh homecoming 84 iona college what is this word down here g-a-e-l-s oh that's a gale what does that mean uh it's a warrior and uh from the island the gaelic and policy that's our that's just our uh nickname for our school yeah i have a feeling a guy like you can use another t-shirt ah it's better than buying one here i'm sorry what what was your name again uh pat delaney all right pat uh do you have a question for mr mellman tonight uh yes i'd like to know who do you think will win the upcoming ncaa basketball finals oh good question what about it larry basketball who the hell cares terrible terrible attitude a bunch of kids running around in shorts throwing a ball you call that sport come on that's stuff when they give the players shop and snow shovels and let them go with each other until one team has lost too much blood to continue then you can call me that would be a sport a man could really get excited about bill wendell please give this nice person two teachers there you go patrick nice meeting you thank you let me get this straight it was sharpened snow shovels who's our third questioner this evening for uh mr mellman how do you do sir what is your name phil labadie phil where are you from lincoln nebraska oh you uh you go to school there yeah what's the name of the university university of nebraska the corn huskers that's right now what's the nickname of the state of nebraska is it the cornhusker the corner why not guy says why not i'll go along with that why not you know the nickname of the uh illinois state uh state of illinois uh fighting inlet england illinois illinois no no no it's atlanta lincoln i believe what is it yeah oh uh what what about the new mexico good life i guess if that's what you're looking for if you need a tag okay new mexico new mexico landover champlain all right uh what was your question yes i was wondering uh what's your general impression of the state of nebraska oh good question right on the topic look i don't know who sent you but i'm gonna say this for the last time they never proved anything i had never seen those four teenagers before in my life at least not before they showed me the police photos what's more i've never been in nebraska except on a short hiking trip during the war years i had no opinion just gym memories and a deep desire that this whole thing would just blow over bill wendell please give this nice young person [Applause] thank you very much for being here they're your teachers thank you very much okay larry you've done it again we'll be right back with michael grossman [Music] [Music] thank you thank you paul thank you tomorrow on this broadcast romance novelist rosemary rogers will be here musician david sanborn will be in with the band paul won't be here tomorrow night will you paul no sir you'll be up in toronto points unknown more about that later though uh and also comedian jay leno that's tomorrow night all right ladies and gentlemen it's time once again for a very popular segment we call axe mr mellman here are the rules oh boy i love to see people actively reinforce a lie ah number one mr melvin is fully compensated for his work by the nbc network he may no longer accept tips gratuities or canned goods number two a reminder mr mellman is not associated professionally or personally with a pepsicola bottling company or any of its subsidiaries and as always mr mellman is an attorney ladies and gentlemen larry butmelman [Applause] now larry usually when we introduce you we say that you are not an attorney tonight it says you are an attorney that's right dave i passed the bar yesterday congratulations and this morning i was made a senior partner in a large new york law firm where i'll be spearheading ted turner's ongoing hostile takeover attempt on cbs well well congratulations to you and good luck ladies and gentlemen are we ready to begin the questioning who has the first question for mr mellman tonight oh how do you do sir what is your name jonathan brooke john nice to see you where are you from sir brooklyn new york what do you do for a living student where do you go to school kingsborough community college and you're studying everything actually nothing actually nothing and what do you want to be when you get out of school uh radio personality well you certainly have a good start on it thank you uh you have a question for mr mullman yes i do uh mr mellman what is your opinion of the nuclear arms crisis nuclear arms crisis we don't have an arms crisis buddy we have a guts crisis the public fears atomic war only because of all the questions will it happen when will it happen i say let's get it over with sign all the treaties they want lull them into a false sentence of security then hit him with everything we've got just give me five minutes to get my vcr down to the shelter bob rooney please give this faint-hearted young man two t-shirts thank you very much bob thank you very much congratulations nice talking with you who uh you all right larry okay who has the second question for mr mellman this evening how do you do man what is your name andrea hess andrea nice to see you what do you do for a living um i'm an insurance broker in the entertainment industry i see is that an exciting career for you yeah all right and uh your question for mr mellman tonight is what yeah uh my boyfriend is very soft-spoken and i have a lot of trouble hearing him whenever he speaks to me and he gets angry when i say what all the time so i'd like to have some advice as to how i could get him to speak up without insulting him soft-spoken guys are that way for a reason if he starts speaking up you might find out a lot of things you don't want to know like maybe he's in debt has a secret obsession with the president or a particular photo fashion model or worse maybe he hates your guts but it's just too wimpy to say so out loud my advice don't ruin a good thing just nod your head and let him mumble moan and mutter all the way to the altar once you've got that ring around your finger you'll be doing all the talking anyway rosemary andrew nice to meet you [Music] thank you there you go andrea thanks for your help nice meeting you uh it's time now for question number three who has how do you do it nice to see you sir it looks like chuck scarborough doesn't sound like the the newsman at wnbc oh it's a striking resemblance what do you do for what is your name first of all merlin anderson merlin what do you do for a living i work in marketing for a controls company and uh how long do you think you'd be holding my hand all right merlin you have a question for uh mr mellman yes i do my 17 year old son has smoked pot for oh 10 or 12 times and my wife and i don't want him to do this what should we do this is a very important question larry can you handle this i think so all right you old hypocrite you just start your brain in the morning with mr coffee then at lunch you guzzle martinis and think of new ways to rate the environment at night you fall into a nicodeen induced slumber hey you better take care of business mr businessman i suggest you and your son put away all your poisons change your name to sunshine and moon child trade in your gas guzzler for a vw micro bus and hit the open road bob rooney please give this nice sound advice i'm sorry to have to subject you to that nice meeting you raise your teachers good luck with your son thanks to everybody uh thank you larry we'll be right back with stephen right folks [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] okay thank you very much paul shaffer ladies and gentlemen in our festival of guitars thank you paul tomorrow night all tubas so tune in for that on the program tomorrow night robert klein will be here marvin hagler is also going to be here and uh and beginning next week we're going to show you some reruns but uh do me a favor watch these reruns because they are really stupid these will be what you're going to see beginning monday is the first show we ever did and then it's going to be the first four shows we ever did the dates of those were was february whatever 1982 1982 so please whatever you do don't watch the lousy cbs late movie i'm serious last night i wanted to make sure they're actually calling it the cbs late movie so i stayed up and listened to it yes my god they introduced that piece of nonsense as the cbs late movie guess what the feature was last night simon and simon six academy awards latest videos uh oh let's get on with it ladies and gentlemen it's time for ask mr mellman here are the rules remember mr mumman is just as scared of you as you are of him speak calmly and deliberately and we will uh and he will come to trust you perhaps in time even to love you mr mellman apologizes for not being with us last week but his national guard unit was on maneuvers on ward island and he simply could not get away and finally ladies and gentlemen remember mr melman is and it is an attorney he is an attorney please welcome larry bud millman [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] okay now larry you know the last time we did this you had just passed the bar examination how's that going now you were going to try to take over cbs i don't do that corporate law anymore dave i'm practicing criminal law now yeah now how did that happen larry well i was jailed recently for contempt of court it was my first real taste of prison life yeah and it was a horrible experience that made you want to help people charged with crime no i kind of liked it anyway my clients are mostly mafia kingpins they even gave me my own nickname larry shapeless lump of joe melman well that must make you mighty proud larry uh are you ready to get on with your little opening statement here good evening i'm here to answer your questions on any and all subjects including your sordid personal affairs so go ahead and ask mr melman and remember i am an attorney all right and a damn good one yeah of course you are the uh the first question here for how do you do sir what is your name albert hawk albert nice to see you where are you from sir westmover new jersey what do you do for a living i'm a student at montclair state college all right sir and you have a question for mr melma tonight yes i do larry we all know halley's comment is going to make an appearance next year i was wondering if you could give me some advice on the best way to observe this phenomena well my advice to you is not to observe it at all while every other fool on the planet is mortgaging their homes to buy expensive telescopes lawless lawlessly scaling radio towers or dangerous cliffs just to gain a better vantage you and i will simply walk by real cool and say who cares and laugh at them they'll see us they'll see us and realize their mistakes later on we'll put on our white robes go sit on my garage roof for a while just in case everybody was right after all bob rooney please give this nice man two t-shirts albert thank you alberto thank you bob larry larry i have a suggestion for you if you if you're lucky enough to get a laugh get out there dump the other stuff just get out right there and go on okay try it try it next time okay uh who has the second question for uh how do you do man i'm nice to see you what is your name schweitzer beth where are you from westfield new jersey and betherbest beth bt nice to see you what do you do there sales representative for hospital cooperation i see you making a lot of money oops yes you enjoy the job i love it well good i love sales do you have a question for mr melvin i sure do mr mellman how do you clean your bathroom tiles i have this constant yellow tinge on mine and i'm an immaculate person i just can't get the yellow tinge off of the tiles is it the tile or the grout it's the tile i can just scrub out the grout it's the tile that's the problem well beth there's a vicious little parasite from indonesia called the devil's grit slug in the pupil stage they thrive on mildew and a couple dozen tossed in the shower stall will have it gleaming in no time but a word of warning don't let them gas get past the pupil stage as adults they lose their tastes for mold and crave only human flesh they develop a steely armor that even bullets cannot pierce it's kind of a toss up but they are available on most pharmacies and hobby shops bob rooney please give this nice young lady two t-shirts okay thank you beth nice meeting you thank you for coming we have we have time for one more all right who has the third question how do you do sir what is your name michael doc mike where are you from sir uh new york all right you have a question for mr mellman uh yes all right i just quit my job about two weeks ago and since then i've done nothing except fly around the apartment all day and i i'm getting depressed well don't worry quitting your job was the right thing to do you were never meant to be a so-called useful member of society here's my advice lie around for another couple of weeks there's no sense straining yourself then gradually start to get out go to a bar pitch pennies in the gutter grow a beard rub food in your hair and slowly forget the nightmare of a steady job and a loving family don't be ashamed every man has his destiny yours just happens to include talking loudly to yourself in public [Laughter] bob rooney please did this nice young man good luck thank you very much okay that's it we'll be right back with joe walsh thank you [Music] [Applause] thank you very much uh tomorrow on this program folks james brown will be here don novello and dr richard brandt this is quite a show and don't forget on thursday it will be our first annual summer replacement show that's thursday night here on nbc the number one television network in the free world by the way uh oh uh oh this is uh what are we doing this is it ask mr mellman first the rules no i'm not doing something aren't i what do i do paul i do the rules oh first he's going to come out here we're going to ask him questions but first we have the rules mr mellman will answer medical questions but please have all tissue cultures and blood samples ready mr mellman is easily distracted by dog whistles and for the duration of new york city drought emergency mr mellman has suspended the waters portion of the program and finally mr melman is an attorney ladies and gentlemen larry bud mellman good evening i am here to answer your questions on any and all subjects including your sordid personal affairs so go ahead and ask mr mellman and remember i am an attorney and a damn good one all right who is the first person to have a question for mr woman how do you do sir nice to see you what is your name my name is barry brown i'm from far hills what do you do for a living sir i'm a struggling musician and what kind of music do you play um fusion heavy metal all right sir and what is your question for mr melvin i would like to know what factors determine a good used car dealer well the best dealer i ever met had a firm handshake and on its face and the most fascinating spiral disc which kept on spinning spinning spinning as i gazed upon it i took an engine-less rusted out torino home on its rims that day and i felt lucky joe samanski please give this nice young man two t-shirts that's it thank you congratulations nice to see you larry does the word pause mean anything to you i do p-a-u-s-e uh who has the who has the next question for mr a moment how do you do ma'am nice to see you where are you from bronx what do you do for a living housewife what is your name pat nice to see you pat you have a question from mr melanie yes is it possible for cats to get uh pink eye no cats cannot get pink eye i'm sorry to tell you but your pet is the spawn of satan is your cat i think i bet you got him from the humane society most of their animals are possessed by the devil my advice is to do whatever the evil beast commands and just hope that eternal damnation isn't so bad joe samanski please give this nice young lady two t-shirts there you are thanks joe thank you very much nice meeting you thanks for being here do you uh apparently you have the next question what is your name sir where are you from ralph mendom new jersey what do you do for a living i work in an office what kind of office where they do office for oh one of those offices yeah uh and uh your question sir i'd like to know what the best investments for the 80s are oh good question best investments for the 80s larry investments what the hell is wrong with you kids today back in the 60s we had a saying turn on tune in and get your parents to pick up the bill my advice to you is invest in a good set of drums the stock never drops on rock and roll whoop joe samanski please give this nice person two tickets thank you two teachers nice meeting you good luck to you that's it okay let me let me hear that what was that a whoop let me hear that again okay that's ask mr melvin and we're not sure why next on the program paul young we'll be right back after this commercial [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] okay thank you folks uh ladies and gentlemen once again it's time for mr mellman here are the rules for personal reasons mr millman asks that there be no question about birds mr mellman reserves the right to make a low whistle when he hears your problems in any of the pool stunt sequences canadian coins are not acceptable and finally remember mr mellman is an attorney ladies and gentlemen larry bud millman [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] good evening i am here to answer your questions on any and all subjects including assorted personal affairs so go ahead and ask mr melman and remember i am an attorney and a damn good one larry did you have a nice weekend very nice what'd you do i went up to ball state university you know that's that's where i attended college i have a degree from that institution oh wonderful it's a lovely institution [Laughter] [Applause] [Laughter] did anybody ask about me they all asked about me okay all right uh who has the first question tonight for mr melman you sir what is your name sir pete malenchen nice to see you pete where are you from i'm from centralized long island what do you do for a living there uh i play with a band called the unit and uh around the area the tri-state area do you have a record deal uh not yet okay well good luck to you sir what kind of music is it uh pop popular music yeah well good luck to you and i hope something big happens in your life thanks same for you [Applause] yes it is uh october 17th all right now uh your question please uh yeah i'd like to ask a really hip guy like mr melman and how i can get people to stop making fun of my ponytail i have here i think i know what you mean son do they call you ropehead that must hurt do they ask if a rat died in your hair people can be so cruel and it must be awful when people laugh and point and call you a switchy weirdo with a god-awful stringy growth that looks like a chewed-up piece a beef jerky stuck to your head well just try to ignore it bob rooney please give ted the ball head here two teachers [Applause] good luck with her nice meeting tell him who has the next question for mr roman how do you do ma'am nice to see you what an attractive looking human you are oh thank you sir where are you from originally from phoenix now in manhattan what do you do for a living i work at cbs sports with a nice man by the name of rick gentile really what kind of guy's brent musberger oh very nice guy he looks like he whines a lot though doesn't it does he whine i bet his socks fall down all the time too i haven't checked his socks lately good idea uh what was your name theresa raj theresa nice to see you and uh you have a question here for uh mr mellman i do mr mel-min if you were a congressman how would you vote on the farm aid bill well if i were a member of congress i wouldn't be around to vote at all i'd be on a fact-finding tour of hawaii or a boosted junket to gay paris buddy i'd have as much fun as i could as quick as i could because the way i figure it who'd re-elect a jerk like me bob rooney please visit this nice person thank you for being here here's your t-shirt we have one more okay who is the next person with a question for mr roman what is your name sir my name is anthony rotolo anthony nice to see you sir what do you do for a living i'm a student at st john's university what are you studying there communications all right i'm gonna go into broadcasting one day hopefully all right good enough sir what is your question my question to mr melman is i'd like to know how i can persuade my girlfriends go on a weekend trip with me ouch well i've got a little hard medicine for you pal in your lifetime you may write a great symphony but i doubt it or travel to the stars that is if they lower the fitness standards for space flight but this weekend with the girlfriend just isn't going to happen because romeo you ain't bob rooney please give this nice person two t-shirts good luck anthony nice meeting you there's your t-shirt that's it okay uh we'll be right back with john witherspoon thank you very much [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] hello tomorrow on this program ladies and gentlemen oh this will be a good one alba ballard will be here alba ballard by the way is a woman who comes on the show periodically and she dresses parrots oh okay uh stephanie zimbalist will be here and garrison keeler will be joining us that's tomorrow night now tonight as part of an ongoing cultural exchange your own larry budmellman will respond to questions and offer advice to the tokyo studio audience assisting me as translator is mako hattori arigato yeah she's here of course in case i can't understand mr mellman [Laughter] now before we begin let me review the rules for you there may be no buffing of mr melman's head or face while he answers the questions number two photographs taken of mr mellman may not be used for commercial purposes or for frightening young children and finally you are welcome to take mr mellman's knowledge and miniaturize it though we think that would be pretty hard to do now ladies and gentlemen here's larry budmelmann [Applause] [Music] so [Applause] [Music] thank you for welcoming me to your beautiful country i extend greetings to my many japanese fan clubs i know nothing of your history your customs or your peculiar paper money but there's one thing i do know human nature so go ahead and ask your questions to me mel manson uh larry this is uh mako hatori larry bud melvin how do you do well said larry all right now uh who has the first question for mr melman this evening how do you do sir what is your name [Applause] is he asking the question it is so heavy i don't know what to do what is the question well the question is about the money i mean the what is it called the financial [Applause] i'm on a plane good night uh the question is why don't you just go ahead and ask the uh uh no you know what he's just wondering now the yen is very strong and it's strong like a 200 yen for the dollar you think this will keep on going this much or the dollar gets stronger or what is the future of the yen versus the dollar right in the coming currency collapse both the dollar and the yen will be worthless stick with the four g's gold grocery guns and guts let me help with the grocery part bob rooney please give this tokyo citizen a nice frozen turkey [Applause] by the way nicely done uh let's talk who has the second question for mr melman this evening how do you do ma'am nice nice to see you now do you require the services of a translator no oh okay thank you very much what is your question what is your name first of all my name is nobuko kobe narita uh where are you from nobuco novoco from new york uh-huh what do you do for a living and then from california from california just visiting here in tokyo and what do you what do you do for a living i have a jazz center in new york and my question directed to that gentleman mr mellman mr melman is um since i was here in tokyo i heard a lot of jazz and there's a lot of famous jazz people here too they're japanese and i was wondering what you could do to help them get to new york where we also have a lot of jazz good questions oh sorry madam i'll be honest with you instead of an exchange i'd rather put all jazz musicians japanese and american on a big ship in mid-pacific and let them play their so-called music on an endless cruise to nowhere now kenny rogers that's music forgive me you are like a beautiful flower kenny rogers likes jazz don't don't make trouble here bob rooney please get this nice person here's your turkey turkey there you are thank you very much thank you so much oh we don't have time for any more okay uh did you enjoy that i know i did all right we'll be right back here with uh who's next on the big show randy bass we'll be right back with him thank you folks come on back [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you let me uh let me explain to you about monday night we'll be on vacation but the show you see all next week those shows will be brand new for instance monday night we'll have the friendly folks from the columbus zoo here with some lovely animals harry dean stanton will be here and a very funny comedian margaret smith will be joining us now this is a new show however we did tape it in 63. uh okay folks it's time for ask mr melvin here let me give you the rules first of all mr mellman refuses to define jazz as he feels he redefines it with every concert two in the spirit of the season mr mullman asked me to announce that his shirt size is 1631 and his jacket size is 48 husky three tipping with pocket change is encouraged but try to keep your toss from actually hitting mr melman above the shoulders and finally while there is no eight-second delay in our broadcast there is one in mr melman's head so please [Laughter] please be considerate ladies and gentlemen larry budreman [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] to my wonderful wonderful television family i'm larry budmelman i'm here to answer your questions about personal problems money problems and affairs of the heart i want to help you but damn it you've got to let me help you let's get started james woods is driving me nuts backstage okay who has the first question tonight for mr moment anybody here anybody have the how do you do sir what is your name please craig wood craig where are you from rochester minnesota nice to see you here that's a beautiful country up there isn't it that's where the mayo clinic is by the way what do you what do you do for a living are you affiliated with that i go to school in the east coast uh where do you study uh where do i study at uh cornell university this whole thing is a lie isn't it oh i'm nervous what are you studying at cornell math math good for you what do you want to do when you get out um i don't know yet don't ask me okay i won't ask you all right do you have a question for mr mellman sir yeah uh instead of studying for tomorrow's history final i blew off the day by coming to this show yeah okay do you have anything right he's not done hey hey hey i'm sorry i'm sorry take your time let him finish do you have any advice on how i have you been drinking [Applause] the question again please do you have any advice on how i can learn the history of western civilization to the reformation by noon tomorrow craig there are no magic formulas you're just going to have to buckle down and get someone to take that exam for you [Applause] there are plenty of out-of-town work history professors looking to make a few bucks on the side to support their drinking problems all right try a few local taverns and soon you'll be on the dean's list okay bob rooney please give this nice first right box of ge soft white called please general electric soft white light bulbs congratulations nice to see you good luck to you uh who has the next question here for mr woman how do you do man what is your name i'm elise miller elise nice to see you where are you from forest hills forest hills you uh go to school you work what do you do i work at rca columbia pictures international video in what capacity and the legal and business affairs department in the legal and business affairs department i didn't make it up you know it's like a corporate thing you know it is yeah you know what i mean well you look like kind of a corporate officer yeah i like exactly what what is your question for mr moment elise my question is i'm 28 years old and uh still i don't know why but my my foot size is uh children's too i was wondering if you're aware of any uh scientific or biological breakthroughs that uh you know can increase one's foot size oh god well listen elise your feet are perfect just the way they are put your hair ow no hold it wait a minute hold it no no how about getting one of those ava gabor wigs they're really cheap and you can throw them right in the washer bob rooney please give this nice person a box a terrible thing to say at the holiday time thank you bob very early general electric soft light bulb thank you very much do we have time do we have time for one more oh damn all right what is your name sir my name is my name is dave howell dave knight philadelphia great city what do you do for a living i'm in law school right now where do you delaware law school what are you going to do when you get out hopefully be a lawyer well good idea what kind of law any kind of yeah yeah kind where you make some money i guess okay you have to sit down you're not the guy bob give him some light bulbs give him some light bulbs anyway there they are okay we can't be too careful there you are just sit down don't make trouble this the guy is this the guy this is the guy all right stand up come on come on ladies and gentlemen we almost witnessed a heinous act of terrorism i just thank your lucky stars we're all right what is your name sir mike nice to meet you where are you from noah connecticut or walk down you know i live up near there yeah nice community what do you mean you heard rumor has it yeah don't come by the house uh all right now what is your question sir mr melman on what daytime soap opera did kathleen turner starring before she made it big in hollywood good question oh that's cruel so cruel it was hot enough seeing her backstage making awkward small talk as if we had only been friends we were so happy then two struggling actors but her career took off and i remained in the shadows we try to hold it together but i couldn't bear the pain of being known only as mr kathleen turner bob rooney please get this nice person wait a minute this guy doesn't get light bulbs got to get in some light bulbs here here give me your light bulbs come on no no there you go i hear you get a cup and a sponge too thank you very much you almost ruined the entire event for this class son uh okay we're gonna do a commercial we'll be back with uh james woods thank you very much [Music] [Applause] thank you thank you very much well that is a pathetic seat this poor guy down there in the corner that really stinks doesn't it we fill that seat every night don't we gee i'm awfully sorry but there's nothing we can do about it i'm sorry what is your name sir allen i'm sorry please we'll try and make it up to you somehow but i'm sorry that's just horrible maybe you requested it though on the other end uh tomorrow on this program folks stupid pet tricks uh celebrity writer tony lawrence singer patty austin and uh window washer psychic maurice fonte that will be tomorrow now ladies and gentlemen it's time once again for ask mr melman here are the rules now due to a recent ruling mr mellman cannot offer odds on the duration of the upcoming schwarzenegger shriver marriage medical symptoms may be described but we discourage the open flaunting of physical abnormalities and finally remember mr mullman is an attorney but he's not an officer of the united states navy he dresses that way because he wants to look sharp really sharp ladies and gentlemen larry budd [Music] [Applause] [Music] good evening to my wonderful wonderful television family i'm larry budmelman i'm here to answer your questions about personal problems money problems and affairs of the heart remember i'm not in the service i dress this way because it makes me look good damn good let's hear the first question okay larry by the way you do look good you look really nice thank you nice to see you again who has the first question for mr mel-min how do you do sir what is your name pat pat go ahead and stand up if you will please um where are you from pat upper darby pennsylvania what do you do for a living there in upper darby go to school where do you attend school delaware county delaware county community college what are you studying criminal justice uh-huh and one day you hope to be a state trooper or a criminal criminal that's true uh okay sir you have a question for mr millman yes uh i was wondering is if there is anything on earth that uh can compare to the speed at which haley's common is traveling oh good question well 20 years ago i would have said the comet compared to the highway cruising speed of any big beautiful american car but thanks to those robbers in arabia and those pinheads in washington we now crawl along at 55 miles per hour so today i'd compare hailey's speed to the rate at which our precious freedoms are disappearing bob rooney please give this nice person nicely put by the way larry there you are two t-shirts for us have a nice trip back to pennsylvania how do you do you have the question for mr mellman nice to see you sir what's your name nice brian braun where are you from brian garden city park and what do you do for a living there uh engineering what does that mean exactly well i sort of punch in data on a computer terminal do you enjoy that kind of work that's fun you seem bitter and confused [Music] um okay uh brian you have a question for mr melvin yes larry i have a question i've been kind of pondering about for many years it's um what kind of bread best compliments egg salad oh another good question white but let me get back to the speed limit business i'm all for 55 miles an hour as a minimum let's get this country moving again at a speed a man can feel prouder bob rooney please give this nice person two t-shirts thank you very much bob there you are sir nice meeting you thanks for your help tonight okay we have time for one more question one more where hi how are you nice to see you what is your name julie malinowski what do you do for a living julie i'm a student at true university uh where what is it drew university how do you spell that d-r-e-w you're not 100 sure are you uh where is this located in madison new jersey i've never i've never heard of drew you know i've been to madison and i've never heard of well that's not my problem not your problem is it uh what are you studying there sociology and when you get out you're going to do what be a sociologist okay and uh you probably won't be able to dress that way well maybe who knows uh do you have a question for mr miller i do all right let's get on with it um in honor of st patrick's day what is your favorite green object that's an easy one julie a beautiful green light that says go man that that and a stack of chris green bills that say thanks mr state trooper for refusing to enforce those antiquated laws that are destroying america bob rooney please give this nice person nice to meet you julie thank you very much for being here you look terrific have a nice day okay we'll be right back here with gary sandlin thank you very much [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you very much uh folks be sure to be with us tomorrow when you'll meet new york post headline writer vincent muscetto and also comedian jonathan katz now folks it's time for a segment we call mr mellman here what do we call it ask mr mellman what did i say mr mellman yeah that's the guy mr mellman is the guy the segment is ask mr melvin see that's how that works here are the rules there is no need to panic if mr mellman becomes damp or electrically charged for your safety has been grounded by a union electrician number two please make no offerings of food to mr mellman he has been provided with special biscuits that keep his teeth white and provide him with all the vitamins and nutrients he needs for a healthy happy life number three for your peace of mind mr mellman has placed his service revolver on the desk before him unloaded chamber out and in the safety lock position and finally remember mr millman is an attorney however he is not in the united states navy he dresses this way because it makes him look good damn good ladies and gentlemen larry bye [Music] a hearty good evening to my wonderful wonderful television family i'm larry budd melman i'm here to answer your questions about personal problems money problems and affairs of the heart remember i'm not in the service i dress this way because it makes me look good damn good let's hear the first question larry are you are you ready for the first question great question yeah you know are you aware the fact that the new nbc peacock has six feathers the old one had 11. no i had no idea yeah well well neither did a stunned america thank you uh who has the first question for mr mullman how do you do what is your name nice to see you debbie sauce now debbie where do you live philadelphia oh phil did you come up for the show or do you work in new york just for the show oh that's very nice of you what are you doing philadelphia i'm a registered nurse uh-huh is uh i was gonna say is that fun but it's probably not fun work is it but you liked it oh sure it's fine being a registered nurse is fun well like what what is one of the fun things about it the money [Music] do you have a question for mr melman yeah i do um i'm about to be married and i'm looking for good thank you sound investment advice for young couples a good question larry you do look young and fun-loving my advice is forget about investments pay your kids quit your dollar establishment jobs and stay out till dawn knocking back shootings have lots of cheap tawdry affairs with total strangers tomorrow will never come and if it does you can always move back in with your folks bob rooney please give this nice person two t-shirts there you are there's bob rooney where's your picture thank you very much good luck to you have a nice wedding who's next here for uh you know somebody else where is it hi how do you do sir what is your name i'm mike where are you from mike i'm from boston and what are you doing for a living up there i'm a student right now where do you go to school mit what are you studying well someone yelped there at mit you're going to be an engineer uh yes computer science and biology is that an engineer i'm double majoring oh i see i'm confused one of those is an engineer yes computer science oh computer science that's an engineer a software engineer okay well i'm sorry we don't have time for your questions uh what what is your question sir um i'd like to know if if mr mellman thinks we're going to be able to win the america's cup back oh another good question there's only one way you can be sure of getting anything in this world by force when the sixth fleet is done with libya let's tell them to up anchor and set sail for sydney where they can show those beer swelling pouch belly dingos what water sports are all about bob rooney bleachers this nice person two t-shirts good luck to you nice meeting you thank you all right now let's get this straight again it was beer swilling pouch-bellied dingoes that's right okay anybody else have a question here from mr melvin do we have time for one more where is the hi sir what is your name uh where are you from artists uh brooklyn new york what do you do for a living [Applause] i'm a photographer uh-huh and uh what kind of photographer for the sports photography and now now that that sounds like a lot of fun it is you get to go to all of the games and take pictures of yourself okay good for you what is your question sir i just want to know if larry budd had the correct time [Laughter] it 6 10. well i had some time left after that one so i'd like to sing paul if i could save time in a bottle the first thing that i'd like to do is to save every day where are the olympians did anybody see any libyans outside the way then i'd spend it with you not likely bob rooney please give this nice person thank you very much for coming in good luck to you sir thank you very much larry we'll be right back here with uh rich hall folks [Applause] [Music] all right thank you very much i made a mistake belinda carlisle will be singing a song right after this next little deal with uh larry but she is going to sing uh my mistake i didn't show up at the meeting uh and also bail bonds when joey barnum will be here tonight folks tomorrow on this program the hector macho camacho will be here comedian judy tenuta and bob mcmath who has some new products so circle this one in your tv guide bob mcmahon hector macho camacho on the same show i'd like you to have that as a souvenir uh folks um it's time once again for ask mr mellman now here are the rules remember when asking your questions please keep hand gestures to a minimum as mr mellman is easily frightened and tends to tremble like a rabbit a reminder our audience participants are not actors neither technically is mr mellman he prefers the designation cue card goon audience members uh are not allowed to cross mr mellman's personal line of death an imaginary line drawn from the tip of his shoes to the top of his belt and finally while mr mellman is an attorney he is not a member of the armed services he dresses that way he dresses the way he does because it makes him look good damn good ladies and gentlemen say hello to larry bud mellman [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] a hearty good evening to my wonderful wonderful television family i'm larry bud melman i'm here to answer your questions about personal problems money problems and affairs of the heart remember i'm not in the service i dress this way because it makes me look good damn good let's hear the first question okay thank you so much larry nice to see you having a good weekend wonderful okay uh who has the first question for mr room how do you do nice to see you what is your name pamela panker pamela where you from manhasset long island yeah you work out there working um well i'm off for the summer i'm a student uh-huh where do you go to school drew university where is that madison new jersey uh and what are you studying theater and when you get out you're gonna be an actress oh congratulations uh and you have a question for mr melman tonight yes i do of a very personal nature oh good good um not that personal um i'm gonna be away in new hampshire the rest of the summer and my boyfriend of eight months will be in new jersey how do we handle this first major separation of our relationship forget about your boyfriend [Applause] new hampshire is a sexual wonderland a granite strewn pleasure palace where sin rules supreme find the teeniest halter top you can and stay in it all summer soon you'll be getting the kind of turret animal action your young body's craving and i hear that seafood is quite reasonable too paul schafer please give this nice person two t-shirts [Applause] thank you very much have a nice summer okay that's right uh paul pointed out bob rooney who normally passes out the t-shirts is on vacation now who who has the next question how do you do sir what is your name jim jacobs jim where are you from south frontier yes sir south south bronx brunswick south brunswick new jersey and you uh you work out there uh no i go to school uh we're doing defenses in uh villanova pennsylvania you're making most of this up aren't you yeah yeah uh and what is your question sir um i'm majoring in accounting and i'd like any advice that you have um on how i could be successful in the future at my profession i knew a young man once like you he was dazzled by the fast-track life of accounting sucked in by dreams of fame women and non-stop partying he found himself on a roller coaster straight to hell jim that young man was me [Music] and that's too high a price for anyone to pay paul schaefer please give this nice free shirt here you go jim [Applause] [Applause] okay all right who has the uh the third question for uh mr millman here hi how are you nice to see you hi hi you you have a third question for me yes i'd like to know my name's gillian rossander gillian rothlander yeah that's a very nice name thank you where are you from gillian how's what new jersey and what do you do for a living i attend the university of bridgeport i see and up in bridgeport connecticut what are you studying there graphic design and advertising okay and your question i like to know how one knows that you're in love another very good question larry the symptoms are always the same sweaty palms palpitations high fever bouts with nausea delirious visions patchy hair loss and chills oh wait i'm thinking of a kidney infection no but love [Applause] sorry i can't help you i've been at sea most of my life that's a different kind of loaf and this is a family show paul schaefer please give this nice great hell is he talking gillian nice meeting you thank you very much there's your t-shirt okay no you can sit right here uh we'll be right back now we're gonna hear the song right yeah okay we'll be right back [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you thank you forgive me forgive me for applauding but i saw the sign and just couldn't help myself uh now this this back there is not a balloon and it's not a zephyr a zephyr is a wind i think zeppelin right is that what the word you were thinking huh which zeppelin thank you it's not that either it's a 35 foot tall balloon made of vinyl 14 thousand dollars and it's making that annoying hum 220 volt inflator so that's what that is miss liberty a big vinyl balloon tomorrow folks on this program elaine boozler will be here john phillips stupid patricks and jack duvall will be joining us and now folks first the rules if mr mellman mispronounces three consecutive words the questioner will be awarded a penalty kick mr mellman wishes to thank the publishers of the world book encyclopedia from which he may quote entire passages verbatim the use of barbed hooks marlin spikes or pine tar is strictly prohibited and finally remember mr millman is an attorney ladies and gentlemen larry bud [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] millman hearty good evening to my wonderful wonderful television family i'm larry budmelman i'm here to answer your questions about personal problems money problems and affairs of the heart so let's get started excuse me larry before we begin now you're not actually in the navy are you no dave i dress this way because it makes me look good damn good first question please okay who has the first question tonight for mr melman anybody want to own up to that how do you do it nice to see you what is your name ma'am where are you from stacy alabama what are you doing alabama um well i just moved here to new york sunday and from where did you move um close to montgomery alabama i see and what are you doing now in new york uh looking for a job looking for a job and uh how long will you let go from my hand there um well as soon as you let go of mine did you go to school in alabama yes i did auburn university oh great and what kind of work are you looking for uh television and as a musician tv music paul paul do we have any openings down there okay all right do you have a question tonight for mr mellman yes mr melman do you believe there is a heaven and hell after life on earth well stacy i don't know if there's a heaven but i know there's a hell because i've been there the horrible tropic heat the sounds of gunfire and never knowing who's your friend and who's your enemy tampa florida what a hole call the aquarius so the aquarium there is very nice maybe i've been too hard on the place paul schaefer please give this nice person a bag of lady liberty cheese curry oh i'm very thoughtful there you are tracy tracy station stacy nice to meet you thank you very much good luck to you thank you so much uh who has the next question here for mr millman anybody here uh is that it oh hi how are you nice to see you what is your name man gloria where are you from gloria london england oh london pleasure to have you here what are you doing vacationing half and half my husband's sailing in on the british ship arc royal and oh he's participating around liberty island well that'll be very exciting and how long did the crossing take or will it take they arrived here on saturday and when did he leave he left two weeks ago so that's a nice trip isn't it and what do you do in london what do i do i don't do anything i'm well and i bet you're pretty good at it too aren't you uh you have a family in london no no family where you live right in london we live just outside of london about 40 minutes beautiful city isn't it how do you like new york i love it it's a dumpling it's a great city okay do you have a question for mr millman yes i would like to know what do you think of the london theaters oh good question compared with the new york right up your alley larry please i've never been to the theater in london but if it's anything like the theater in new york it must be wonderful the dark solitary boots the coin operated viewing machines [Music] [Applause] [Music] is that it the girls behind the glass partitions and everywhere the magical smell of men enjoying themselves if you've got something like that [Applause] please give this nice person a bag stop it stop it have a very pleasant stay nice meeting you take care [Music] one more do we have uh anybody how do you do sir what is your name ricky rotor where are you from ricky cedar grove new jersey yes sir what do you do for a living i'm a nightclub manager uh-huh a nightclub you want to mention uh yes the meadowbrook in cedar grove big place um one of the jersey's biggest okay good for you and uh you have a question for larry tonight yes i do mr millman i'm getting married in september any suggestions were to honeymoon well you could stay at my apartment if you don't mind the constant noise from the speedway oh and you can't use the refrigerator i had it sealed a few years back when the smell got out of hand but don't worry about me i won't be around much i spend most of my time at the theater paul shafer please give this nice person a bag of lady liberty good luck with your wedding thank you very much paul nice job thank you very much we'll pause here uh we gotta do a commercial we'll be right back with cornelia guest [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you so much tomorrow on the program comedian bill maher will be here ufo communicator david caprero and gilda radner will be joining us that's tomorrow and now folks it's time once again for ask mr mullman here are the rules the use of barbed hooks marlon spikes or pine tar is strictly prohibited you're advised not to look directly into mr millman's eye for an extended period he gets attached to people very easily number three if mr mellman begins to disrobe do not panic under his uniform he's wearing a full-length lycra spandex body stocking and finally remember mr mellman is not an attorney i'm sorry he is an attorney but he is not a member of the armed services he dresses this way because it makes him look good damn good ladies and gentlemen larry bud mellman [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] a hearty good evening to my wonderful wonderful television family i'm larry budd melman i'm here to answer your questions about personal problems money problems and affairs of the heart so let's get started excuse me excuse me larry take straighten up the hat just a little bit just that's perfect larry now you're not you're not actually in the navy are you no dave i dress this way because it makes me look good damn good damn good all right who has the first question tonight for uh mr moment yes sir what is your name please name is julio julio do you want to stand up okay um excuse me mr millman anyway sit down julio you may not be the one we're looking for is is it julio or not see what happened see you didn't speak up and look we get we get an imposter here [Applause] all right you had a question right here yes sir hi uh mr man now you're not gonna get a damn shirt julio yes sir go ahead yeah in the fall i'm gonna be going on a college uh sponsored cruise i find that hard to believe and i'm gonna be going all around the world i want to know what would be a good all-american greeting to you know say to all the world leaders that i'm going to meet a way to say hello as he travels around this uh planet of ours all right your gullibility amazes me i think you honestly believe the world leaders schedule several hours a day to meet with spoiled american college students if i were you i'd learn just two phrases get me an english-speaking lawyer and please don't put me in with the sex offenders bob rooney please give this nice person two t-shirts are you really going on a trip yeah i have a nice time nice meeting you thank you very much take care okay he gets two two t-shirts and and nothing nothing for you julio uh who has the next question for mr melman how do you do nice to see you what is your name carol where you from carol rocklin county uh-huh and uh you work up there yeah we're for the post office oh okay and you have a question for mr mellman yes uh mr melman i'm expecting a baby in september and i'd like to know what's the most important thing i can teach him or her to help him cope with life congratulations carol darling here's my advice for your little one as he starts out in life don't do too much of anything for the first 60 years or so then stumble into a cushy high paid television job that requires only the ability to read cue cards it may not be for everybody all i know is that it worked for me bob rooney please give this nice person to all right bob rooney nice to meet you have a nice baby thank you for being here okay bob rooney bob just got married didn't you bob everything going all right all right who has the uh third question here for uh mr mellman is this guy an imposter he's okay all right yes sir what is your name my name is dan eisen hi dan where are you from uh new york what do you do for a living i sort of uh run the creative writing program for the masters at nyu now you say sort of could we confirm that with a call ah well yeah sort of okay all right and you haven't you have a question now for mr mellman uh yeah the question is how come we don't see more of ask mr melman on on the show oh god well dan let me tell you a story once there was a supporting player on a certain tv show in time his appearances became far more popular than the tired shenanigans of the so-called star as his following grew the jealous no talents around him urged the producer to cut cut back on his air time of course i'm referring to tv's fonzie henry winkler and i'm afraid i've forgotten your question oh well bob rooney please give this nice person two t-shirts there you go nice meeting you thank you very much thanks bob time for time for julio's questions and what was your question julio i wanted to ask you um it ain't on the cards larry get ready there goes the question go ahead i wanted to ask you do you plan to do anything else besides david letterman just david letterman any movies in the near future that's enough julio you had your one question give me bob you got a t-shirt t-shirt okay we'll be right back here with jimmy breslin [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] okay thank you folks tomorrow uh on this broadcast uh paul cervina will be here tom savini uh we have two guests with similar last names tom savini and paul cervino a new booking policy i like it uh tom savini is a special effects expert and paul cervino of course is an actor and uh rita marley will be on the program tomorrow night paul you and rita marley yes looking forward to it we are an international contact me and the jamaicans we're looking forward to that'll be tomorrow night ladies and gentlemen it's time once again for a very popular segment we do on this program it's called acts mr mellman here now are the rules when the segment is over we ask that you leave mr mullman in the upright and locked position number two we ask that you refrain from mentioning your employer or any brand name product and lesson under the table payment has already been made to nbc number three mr mullman has been well fed by the network please do not throw him scraps of food and finally remember while mr mellman is an attorney he is not a member of the armed forces he dresses the way he does because it makes him look good damn good ladies and gentlemen larry bud mellman [Music] [Applause] [Music] a hearty good evening to my wonderful wonderful television family i'm larry budd melman i'm here to answer your questions about personal problems money problems and affairs of the heart so let's get started excuse me uh larry before we begin now you're you're not actually in the navy are you no dave i dress this way because it makes me look good damn good first question please who uh who here has the first question for mr melman how do you do what is your name please lynn nice to see you where are you from i'm from stony brook stony brook new york yep and uh you have a question for mr mellman um yeah what would you do for a living first of all oh work at stone brook university i'm doing what in what capacity lab tech lab technician is that fun sometimes do you wash your hands at the end of the day yeah okay let's have your question lin um i want to move out of the house how can i break it to my mom lynn you're a young adult now of course you want freedom and privacy but why should you move out if your mother doesn't want to leave right away let her sleep on the beach for a while then move it to the yard eventually she'll probably move to a small hotel room on her own you'll have a house to yourself with plenty of room for more records and cosmetics bob rooney please give this nice person two t-shirts thanks nice meeting you good luck to you larry larry i i have uh just a little tip for you every now and then take a breath occasionally just every now and then once once every five minutes or so who has the next question for our good friend how do you do sir what is your name please marty shaw nice to see you what did you say marty marty where are you from marty katana new york catona you work up there work in the city i work in a city what do you do for a living teacher teacher what do you teach um junior high school what what subjects uh reading english whatever they need and do you find that junior high school kids now or are brighter or dumber than they used to be really not adventist ones and and how about yourself you have uh you have a question for yes i do have a gardening question a gardening question larry get ready in your vegetable garden uh how do you keep the raccoons from biting into your beefsteak tomatoes i had that problem on i soon realized that the only way to defeat the raccoon was to become a raccoon each day before dawn i would strip to my shorts put on my lone ranger mask and go out to wrestle with my furry brothers [Applause] by the end of the summer i had been crowned king of the raccoons and to this day the tribute sent to me by the world's raccoons pays the rent on my luxurious manhattan penthouse bob rooney please give this marty nice meeting you thank you very much we have some t-shirts for you thank you sir good luck have time for one more we have uh anybody else uh a final question for mr millman yes sir what is your name please kevin mcpaul where are you from kevin sunnyside queens uh-huh and nobody do you go to school you uh work what do you do uh go to school what are you studying well i decided i said no how long have you been in school yeah do you remember any course at all kevin uh what is your question sir yeah i was wondering flower be able to tell me uh how it's possible for me to become independently wealthy by the time i'm 30 without a college degree larry this man would like to know how to become independently wealthy by 30 without a college degree no college degree listen what tree did you climb down from [Laughter] but seriously an old harvard man like myself and see little in your future other than a series of spirit draining body breaking minimum wage jobs involving fast food or waste removal but if you do manage to scrape together a few greasy bucks i have a great investment for you my new one-man show born to dance where i portray the young ben vereen bob rooney please give this nice person two teachers they are kevin nice to meet you thank you very much good luck to you okay we'll be right back here with the cryptozoologist eric beckford [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] all right thank you boys welcome back to the program ladies and gentlemen here's a good reminder if you can't be with us tonight be with us tomorrow night because we've got a great show then as well listen to this lineup mr magician that's his name mr magician won't be on tonight apparently he's disappeared he's vanished we we looked in the box and we couldn't find him and he he's gone nothing but dead birds inside and no no trace of mr magician so instead of mr magician tomorrow martin mull a very funny and talented man will be with us there's nothing wrong with tonight's show all right and uh also this is going to be great right paul eddie money and ronnie spector tomorrow here on our program that's right okay now on to other pleasant matters what changes can we look forward to in the world of television well almost certainly there will be more atlanta braves games but we can also expect to see more more computer-generated tv personalities ladies and gentlemen may i present our warm spit attempt to cash in on a trend larry bud headroom [Applause] okay hang on larry i have to make a couple of announcements here first accommodations for mr bud headroom have been provided by manhattan warehouse and mini storage in exchange for this promotional announcement second mr bud headroom is available for church and social groups though he tends to hang around afterwards and has to be told to leave and finally children who would like to sit on mr bud headroom's lap are seriously disturbed and should be given professional help as soon as possible all right go ahead larry hey hey hey hello oh god i'm larry biden yes i'm here to answer your questions about personal muscle financial matters and affairs of the heart let's get right to the first one please i've only got enough fat for about five minute minutes okay larry what you had a drink at lunch right yes okay who has the first question for mr bud headroom uh this evening hi how are you stand up please what is your name gloria finkelstein gloria and your last name again finkelstein finkelstein nice to have you here and where do you live in riverdale new york what do you do for a living i'm a project manager for medical publishing company i don't know what that means but i'll take your word for it uh do you have a question for uh mr bud headroom sure how do you make how do you make a million dollars oh good question larry listen gloria money johnson buy happiness being dozens of men whose pursuit of money has left them wealthy put a loan and here's the important point these lonely men will pay top dollar for the company of ladies like yourself son it won't be easy most of the men are repulsive but you'll soon have that million you longed for bob rooney please give this nice person an assortment of general electric fluorescents i hope you enjoy the light bulb nice to meet you larry are you having trouble with your spine not really i'm usually this way okay somebody fasten the restraints please uh who has the next question for uh mr headroom how do you do sir what is your name brandon maxwell nice to see you brandon what do you do for a living well i'm a marketing research specialist at a major finance firm here uh in new york okay great and we're just about done shaking hands um what is your question for uh mr headroom well mr headroom uh when i was uh down in rio de janeiro with my brother russell recently uh russell yeah drag russell into this he got me the tickets okay you and russell are in rio yeah right and uh we uh i i noticed that the water swirls down the drain in the opposite direction in new york yeah why is that mr headroom are real a magic place where they dance the samba but and worship monkeys as gods listen pal you're lucky you got out of that hell hole before the heathens cut off your ears for ash trash truck and forced you to make way jaguars i know someone that happened to but i can't mention his name his name all right it was ted koppel [Laughter] bob rooney please give nice meeting you good luck brandon thanks for being here here's your general electric fluorescent light bulb or something there you go one more quick who has the uh last question hi how are you nice to see you what is your name andrew gianetti where are you from andrea i'm from boston austin student at emerson college oh nice to have you here and uh you have a question for mr headroom yeah i'm having problems um attending class and i was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to motivate myself oh good question emerson you go to amazon yeah why i'm an ole mission man can you still get those frosty tankits at the red skelet and do they still fill the pool with green alcohol i'm wednesday nights and your kids still smash all the windows in the library just as soon as they're replaced oh my goodness by the way they threw me out after two weeks they'll probably do the same to you bob rooney please give this nice person an assortment of general electric there you go we'll be right back [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] hi there and welcome back to the show tomorrow on this uh program gary busey will be here we have a homecoming queen from bird city kansas dana nelson and also richard lewis uh who's a fine comedian he'll be here tomorrow uh and what's the matter we can come back tomorrow yeah we'll look for you tomorrow uh and now ladies and gentlemen it's time for ask mr melman before we begin here are the rules mr mellman reserves the right to cut this session short if entertainment tonight is doing a feature on ricky schroeder oh stop that uh mr melvin refuses to accept awards for his work believing that people who do whatever it is he does should not be competing with one another uh mr mellman asked you not to purchase copies of bruce springsteen's live album pending resolution of rights to the name the boss and finally while mr mellman is an attorney he is not a member of the armed forces and that's the why he wears something something something he'll be wearing a flowing captain ladies and gentlemen uh say hello to larry bud melman larry come on [Music] a hearty good evening to my wonderful wonderful television family i'm larry budd melman i'm here to answer your questions about personal problems money problems and affairs of the heart so let's get started larry uh did you just get out of intensive care uh what what happened what happened to your navy uniform larry i consider the stage my home uh-huh so i have decided to dress to please myself and you the viewing audience could i have a small glass of white wine please sure bring and bring let's get there you are larry all right who uh who has a question here from mr melman tonight hi how are you what is your name donna where are you from long island nice to have you here what do you do for a living donna student uh where do you go to school saint john's university and you're studying management how will the basketball team be this year it's going to be great okay good for you and you have a question for mr mellman yes mr mel-min do you have any helpful hints on how to make a great impression at a job interview donna don't do what i did on the way to my first job interview i saw a huge skunk i took my time stalking and cornering the wily creature with the result that i arrived i was late a tired sweaty foul-smelling mess i did get the job but it was just because of my firm handshake bob rooney please give this nice present great good oh we have dwight good and bath towels tonight it's a lovely item there you go donna good luck nice meeting you thank you for your help do you have a question sure what is your name julia alexander julia where are you from baltimore what do you do for living in baltimore an engineer and what kind of engineer electrical you like that kind of work yes and you're up here on vacation along with your show bless your heart i appreciate that yeah do you have a question for this vision here in aqua yes i'd like to know uh what the secret to a happy marriage is secret to a happy marriage is knowing the right amount of time to spend together so take my advice keep it short anything longer than about six months and you're asking for serious trouble bob rooney please give this nice person a try good bath towel thanks bob there's your towel have a nice day in new york nice meeting you good luck in baltimore one more good idea who has the uh is it who has the uh yes sir hi is it you yeah what is your name please my name is is it this guy or is it a ringer ken how are you where are you from i'm from boston uh-huh nice town yeah all right what uh what what is your question uh for larry uh larry can you explain the bernoulli effect oh the bernoulli it's i've always said yeah of course i'm familiar with the band newly effect it's a phenomena of internal pressure reduction with increased stream velocity what surprises me is that you a high school physics teacher is so completely ignorant of your own subject no wonder the japs are mopping the floor with us in the world of electronics you're a disgrace bob rooney give this guy's towel to the person next to him yes sir another there you go do you teach high school physics is that what you mean i'm so confused nice meeting you thank you have a good trip oh brother okay larry go towel off all right we'll uh we'll be back here with tom grayson folks [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign thank you thank you very much ah let me uh let me tell you about uh tomorrow night's program jeff cesario is here is that one of the guys you mentioned paul funny guy okay jeff cesario will be here tomorrow rick moranis and als also australian cowgirl sandy thorne thank you very much uh okay folks it's now time for a very popular segment on this program it's time for ask mr melman here are the ground rules the uh before before we bring him out here a viewer should not be alarmed by the tag on mr melman's ankle that is part of the parks department study of his migration habits mr mellman may invite audience members to punch him in the stomach as hard as they can this is just macho posturing it would probably kill him when in new york mr mellman stays at the far end of the canal street subway platform in exchange for this announcement and finally while mr mellman is an attorney he is not a member of the armed forces and that's why for this evening's presentation he'll be wearing a flowing caftan ladies and gentlemen larry but melvin [Music] [Applause] [Music] a hearty good evening to my wonderful wonderful television family i'm larry budd melman i'm here to answer your questions about personal problems money problems and affairs of the heart so let's get started okay larry i have a question for you were you just released from a hospital uh and how would you describe that caftan that you're wearing it's a flowing captain dave i have decided to dress to please myself and you the viewing audience could i have a small glass of chablis please okay you know you know larry these don't let's have the first questions okay who who has the first question for mr mellman this evening who is hi how are you nice to see you what is your name lisa cunningham lisa where are you from philadelphia what do you do for a living uh i work in an accounting department do you enjoy that kind of work not really what would you rather be doing um investments really we'll come up to the office later maybe we can place you oh great uh what is your question for mr mellman um mr mel-min my boyfriend and i we live in separate states and i was wondering besides long distance telephone calls and weekend road trips what can we do to keep it going good question larry well you dumped the loser a girlie robbed me its physical needs deserves to be serviced like a fine face race car but if you insist on keeping this romance alive get a third person involved to help convey your messages of love i suggest a bisexual interstate trucker bob rooney please give this nice person a hundred pieces of golf awesome job thank you nice meeting you i'm sure i'm sorry you had to hear that [Applause] why would your boyfriend think you were a jerk because you showed up in the studio audience of this show where does your boyfriend live delaware well what's what's from his name to me rich what does rich do um he works for the wise of delaware for the ymca the ymca of delaware is a nice man yeah okay fine all right sit down now uh who's who's next here for who has the next question for mr millman hi how are you nice to see you what's your name karen williams karen where are you from i'm from brooklyn uh-huh and what do you do for living there i'm the uh editor of a magazine called teen beat uh oh no you're not really yeah you're the editor of teen beating magazine you should be ashamed how long have you been with that publication about three years what's the circulation of that magazine uh three hundred and fifty thousand what happens all right you have a question for mr mellman yes um i'd like to know if he thinks that creation if if he thinks that creationism should be taught in the public schools creationism should that be taught in the public schools have a little wine larry before i answer this one it's a tough philosophical theological question i'll be frank karen no i don't think creationism should be taught in schools and i don't think they should teach that science and evolution crap either do i look like i evolved from anything here's my theory we're all characters in a big cosmic dream at least that's what i tell the irs nice meeting us thank you very much for being here is that it okay that's all the time we have for mr mellman uh we'll be right back with pam shriver and darlene lux [Music] [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: Don Giller

Views: 54,400

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Id: 9srB6WqIQaQ

Length: 105min 31sec (6331 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 14 2020