Artie Lange Interview - 4/18/2001

everybody my next guest is a comedian and an actor and currently he co-stars with Norm Macdonald on the ABC sitcom norm please welcome very funny man Artie Lange [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] thank you how'd it get you nothin II gotta get you nothing well I'll make the kind of scratch course you could pick up something yeah the three of us go out tonight on us we'll get your pipes cleaned [Applause] Carson could set some up yeah yeah seeing a couple of pussycat good lord I don't know Artie fun night yeah this is the least classy show we've done in a while now let me ask you something you do look at you look trim you look like you're taking care of yourself cuz it's [Applause] somebody terrible yeah what you drink is your back yeah Artie please now head up a little bit I stopped actually I was even thinner than this in the 80s that's back when I was exercising right but Artie you'd actually you're you're taking care of yourself Artie are you not you'reyou're because you you let a crazy life you've been on the show many times telling stories about your days as a big drinker big announced when I stopped drinking too much stop was happen to me happening when I was doing crazy stuff you know cuz stuff like you know like like losing control of yourself and that's what happens if you drink too much yeah one time one time this is a story if this doesn't make people stop drinking I don't know what was is this true a true story this is like a little while ago me and some of my buddies from Jersey went out we're in my buddy Anthony's 70 he had a 76 Nova which there was five of us in it people in the front three in the back so we're coming back if they're a night of kind of party and stuff it's four o'clock in the morning and you've had a lot to drink I need safe to say that you're not a cop Polly I feel like a police officer said I pulled you over in a talk-show chair yeah that question before yeah so um so what happened was I had to go to the bathroom like really bad so I'm gonna back my buddy anti go Anthony you gotta pull over I gotta go to the bathroom he's like he's like what do you told my guys like I got it you know I said I had to take a take a crap yeah for lack of a better time well I mean I get you know I'd like to be more graphic but it's television you know seven pretty graphic hey good to go number two you had a date with nature I had to go number two right okay so he's like Yanni we're ten minutes from your house you know I'm at night I gotta go they know if we had White Castle get my way Castle so you guys know I had to go right yeah yeah so so this is a great advertisement for White Castle eat White Castle Artie Lange does take a look at this talk show appearance all right so III make them pull over so I get out there like hurry up I go to the woods and um and and and I was I pulled out my pants to take a number two you know and you know by the way thank you for acting this out right I'm that good guy you know so I pulled out my pencil you know when you pull down your pants but not all the way it creates like a bridge right here you know a lot of you girls know this from getting banged in cars you know [Applause] you know you know is this going out onto TV tonight is this gonna be this there yeah yeah they're gonna be whole chants of this interview that are never seen you shouldn't have said chunks before the story so anyway can I can finish my loose story oh yeah sorry don't mean to get in the way of you wait it creates like a little bridge right here cuz it's down on your knees what I did I was so messed up on booze and whatever else what I did was I actually crapped into my pants pulled my pants up and got back in the car [Applause] so it kind of defeated the whole purpose of going into the woods you know I could have just done it in the car which I've done during a big game on the couch you know so now I think I'm so drunk I think that everything's fine I took care of my business I got my parents I get back in the car we're driving for like two minutes my buddy Anthony goes what the hell stinks like something so my buddy powders sitting right next to me goes you know I'm an already crapped his pants I'm talking about man cry yeah you crapped your pants man you had to him I know my goal I must have cracked into my pants you know so now they give me all this stuff about it you know you're belligerent when you're drunk I might go screw you guys like you never did that before you know you know it no no we haven't we're not being condescending we just think you're so my buddy goes look me in art we can't take it I got the windows down was freezing he goes you got to take your pants and your underwear off I'm like all right all right whatever so we pull over and I go to the side where I take my pants and underwear off and I throw them on the side of the road right now I get back in the car but the problem is I still got like a dirty ass so um by the way you can go up you don't have to be here for this have to be here anyway keep going not so early cuz so started this I'm gonna finish it buddy my buddy Anthony's got like 73 nobody thought it was like a like a Camaro or something me now and he didn't want me to get you know crap on the seat so I'm trying to sit like this you know and um and my buddy Pat is next to me go to our mean this is just ridiculous like you know I didn't we got it that something's gotta happen here you know so we get like two minutes for my ass no you gotta walk home completely naked from the waist down from the waist I wish I had a leather jacket I was trying to cover and everything but you know I mean these are good pals of mine you know so there's still good pass I know a lot of one guys a lawyer now so um the we get the week I say alright man if you want me to if you want me to think well I you know I don't care but I'm yelling and cursing Adam so I walk home like a half a mile like naked from the waist down I get to my house and I go to open my door and my my keys and wallet are in the pants so so what I did was I had to go around to the kitchen window which I used to bust into his I was a kid so I know to get in I got in and I slipped and I fell and I hit my head on the sink and I fell on the floor you know when you're drunk you're like well this feels comfortable so I just kind of passed out there you passed that on the kitchen floor on the floor yeah so now my father my own man god bless him he and I worked like he climbed moves for a living he broke his ass all day you know you gotta get up at 7:00 for work he didn't need to see me like that you know he walked in the kitchen and you're yeah yeah yeah so he walked in the kitchen he sees me Widow naked from the waist down a bloody head in a dirty is so so he's thinking I mean the first thing that pops in his head his drugs you know so he wakes me up I wake up with him and he's like slapping me like this like like a Tony Soprano kind of slap like how dare he treat me like that I completely deserved it yeah your life you know what are you doing I'm sorry I'm sorry kicked me in the ass he had these big work boots I'm wearing them now the same boots but so so he just said you know he sent me up the bed which was good and I didn't go to school that day I was in the 11th grade I didn't go to school 11th grade it was like 11 that they just happened like three weeks ago [Applause] I had that's why I had the SATs the next - good enough I had to go into comedy but it's out bagging bridge all right I know I know you do those public service announcements here but that dog drink I mean you know don't drink it and crap yourself I knew there was a good message for the kids at the end of it if you're gonna drink and you're gonna crap yourself do it at home because there's in a car with your buddies it's embarrassing a good message [Music] a good message for the kids all right well thank you very much for being here Artie look man a birthday present [Applause]

Channel: Conan Fanatic

Views: 31,496

Rating: 4.8079095 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: Dp41BghxuZ8

Length: 9min 10sec (550 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 30 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/Makerbot2000]

Coked up face. Like Brett

[u/rjeantrinity]

Thanks for that ~ what a start to the day! Love Artie

[u/ramrug]

Chubby is the new skinny?

[u/ScarletNumerooo]

Artie with the inappropriate joke at 0:34

[u/Medialunch]

Reminds me of a young Pete Davidson.

[u/Moxie_Music]

How is that skinny