Ari Shaffir Discusses His Relationship With Joe Rogan

what here's the problem with skanks Once you pull out a rectum that's that's a cat out of the bag anything goes this [Music] before all right we got a big guest here Bandit Bandit brought uh brought her [ __ ] with her Ari shafir I heard it's a new bar stool where it's all about dogs now bro and Bandit let's go last night I was at a like a cocktail party and for those at home cocktail party you just have a like a drink anyway I'm going to explain to that and the only thing people talk to me about is speaches it's crazy really it was like it's nuts how you can totally redo your Public Image I was going to say based on nothing you've really done oh you're the one who enjoys his dog yeah right it's that's the thing it's like it's not even new or different but all of a sudden there are PE I know there are people who hate Dave Porto to their core who are like well I got to watch him Miss P dude I have all these Normcore friends like out of out of like yeah the civilians yeah civilians exactly and they're like they talk about my friends sometimes without knowing and they were like I hate him and I just like listen just to get the word in the street but then they go like uh but then with him it's like he's the worst and I was always like why is he the worst I don't I don't understand you try to like have to defend without defending but now they're like oh he's so cool now and I'm like he buys his dogs he posted less he'd still be an enemy right right he had less of an internet addiction he'd still be an [ __ ] right he would I I had like old men you what like old men being like hi Miss Peach oh my God the voice I can't handle voice you can't be doing the voice stop you want to tell me the dog's cute that's fine do not talk to the voice sure do not do the voice wait you got a dog no no no people to about someone else's to someone else about someone else's dog and doing their dog voice well anyway you should know you're the cutest thing on the internet you're the bell of the [ __ ] ball you are you are the heartthrob of women everywhere AR shafir here's the problem it's happened a few times now in my career where all your hard work has gone away in an instant here say something about Kobe go do it koby's dead and I'm happy say it I I could I've seen it all I mean I've been on the internet forever now I could not believe what I was seeing so stupid I was like if these [ __ ] knew a quarter a tenth a hundredth of all the other AR shafir stories they would be horrifying these women come in like what a romantic I'm like you have no idea what my ass [ __ ] tampons have done to legitimate friends yep there's the B There It Is she'll be there forever still got to make that up to somehow did the did you get like a ton of DMS and stuff from that I got a few there wasn't much but it was like you're so it was like quarter reach outs quar like not like hey what's up because it's not you don't go from a romantic story to like I suck my box right right you're feeling it out a little you were getting reach outs from the people you don't want like reach outs from yeah exactly would you like to have a long relationship do you want to take me on romantic vacation for those for those people might not know uh Ari was on with Lauren Compton and told a story about basically how he he more or less kidnapped a woman and manipulated her manipulated her and lied to her about where she he was taking it was forceful imprisonment really uh but surprised her with a trip to was it called Dolly land or something no not Dollywood Philadelphia Mississippi she was just playing there oh okay whatever but either way it was a big Dolly Parton fan and and he had this big trip planned and she you know put the piece of the puzzle together at the last second it was like yeah we're going to see do Parton and all the women of the internet were like oh my God swed according to New York Post never watch reviewed my standup I worked so hard for two decades ain't it ain't it that way though is it's like the worst like when you do when you work hard on something I mean this is particularly funny but you know he'll do it with his sketches too like the really funny ones or the clever ones are are good but the stupid ones go big you go viral for the dumb [ __ ] it's like what about like this incredibly like really smart thing I did nope nobody gives a [ __ ] it's so it's so it's so see he says it's so and to them also see you know when I was a kid I thought it was contagious you thought wait so I went I went to Camp Cathedral Massachusetts wait is it though I mean I've kissed a lot and I'm pretty good at so it's that LE not through saliva sexually maybe um the uh the um uh but I went to Camp cathedral in M I actually don't even know what town Camp Cathedral that sounds like a place to get [ __ ] in the ass that's there really were no priests not that I remember they weren't priests maybe it's all blacked out um Behind the Walls jerking it just test your kids we'll see which ones we want but we had me and my buddy thought it was contagious and like so there was I mean were really young believable but we would like hide in trees and stuff away from them we were like [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] here they come was [ __ ] my brother and I had a had we were my mom was doing some sort of shopping for like furniture or something and the lady who ran the furniture store had a had a daughter and she was I don't know exactly what kind she was strong and I remember she held us hostage and she wouldn't let us leave so you couldn't get around or anything we couldn't get around and and then she had this thing that she's just bullying you me and my brother she held us and she just pushed our heads together and she just kept we couldn't move she just kept going two heads two heads forgot about it for a while and we're like H like Michael he's like oh I'm scared I'm like I'm scared too my she like two heads two heads that's [ __ ] hilarious God damn we just unlocked I don't know she I she was something she was something she was something else she was just mean oh man that's so good um yeah it's it's so weird how that caught on I we did like an hour and a half podcast and it's like here's a throwaway thing to I mean yeah you would never even think of that story as like you probably walked out of there being like I forgot I even told that I did that also wasn't recent right it was it was over the summer over the summer yeah yeah I thought you you looked a little different you have the beard and stuff like that hilarious oh the podcast yeah no the podcast was like a month ago oh it was month and a half ago D was shorter I yeah it gross funny how hair works works the uh wait so that so the the story itself wasn't that long ago it was over the summer yeah oh [ __ ] okay I thought that was a long time ago for some reason no ruled though what a [ __ ] great what a great trip were were were you uh are you romantic deep down in there yeah like you don't do that kind of [ __ ] unless you're like what should the rapist get flowers which others challenge Cosby challenge Weinstein Legends are the fall my ass did he produce that I don't know he did produce a lot of great ones though that's undeniable dude I was thinking the other day you come in here a lot and I do I've known you guys for a while now I feel like you always kind of have some book or something you reference that like like it's not that self-help is not the right word because it's not but like learning so what do you mean like uh I you about like one book you read was like how to not think or something how to do nothing how to do nothing yes and I was wondering cuz I just read a book of a similar genre how many books a read do a year do you read Cat Williams over here thousand to wow no [ __ ] oh look who showed up oh wow right on time I mean Jackie just walked in for those uh listen how you doing Jackie Jack's got the dump button ready to go just in case we we've recorded this dump the dump all button why do you guys even have that butt i' recorded you the past five times you've been here that'll never that'll never go it doesn't matter 50 consecutive good recordings one bad one it doesn't matter um but uh I just read a book of a similar genre and it's ruined my life why and I'm wondering if You' ever had something you learn that you wish you could unlearn interesting what is this the breathing what's the breathing what Wim Hoff [ __ ] uh it was it wasn't Wim Hoff but it it it's a book called breathe and it's about breathing were you not before I wasn't doing it right I don't think anybody what's it called the tagline is like the Lost Art of of yeah yeah it's like something we all should be able to do but we don't do it right we sleep wrong we breathe wrong it's all CU I'm a mouth breather and so like now are you still taping I still tape at night but all day I have no idea we got you got you should record yourself yeah I got I got to bet a woman um but like now like whenever I'm sitting here I'm just like close your mouth close your mouth close your mouth wow really close your mouth so you can breathe through the nose and dude I I I we know you breathe through that thing get the most oxygen flow talking about I'm the guy I'm the guy I always make fun of his nose you challenge the um what was he going to say dude like there was one thing in it where it was like back in in anent Japan in order to get past as a samurai yeah you had they would hold a a feather under your nose and if it moved at all move you would you wouldn't get past you just hold your for a minute no you just that's how slow your inhales and exhales had to be and gang because that's how apparently like your respiratory system is supposed to work and it's all I think think about it's all consuming how long wow like I'll be walking on a street I'll close your [ __ ] mouth inhale at 5 and a half seconds exhale 5 and a half seconds and I can't stop it's been two weeks now I can't stop thinking about it I don't enjoy it like even when I'm trying to do it I don't notice a difference in my life like it doesn't [ __ ] matter what's it supposed to do make you sleep better yeah they do say if you if you tape your mouth shut you get like 100% better sleep really it's like your your nose filter make DEC to close my mouth when I sleep cuz I could when I was sleeping on a plane if like I can't sleep I just go and then I'm like now I'm out if I just open my mouth you'll go to sleep yeah but it makes your breath ass oh my God you just get everything God damn and then it just dries yeah you wake up you're like dead dude I've heard the same thing about people who get like the the cpat machines if you get the breathing machines like you you get you're getting like you know pure oxygen or whatever and you you you know sleep my my dad was like I did not sleep he was like I I realized I hadn't actually slept in like 40 years and then when your mom died I finally realized sleep so peacefully now it was it I pointed out the problem my dad goes to bed at like 7 o' just to like I think go to separate Corners no really like my mom stays up he gets and he gets up at like 4 and so they canid each other for a few more hours right like she goes she'll wake up at like 9: or 10 he wakes up at 4:00 that's like you know 5 6 hours plus the 5 hours he goes to sleep early that's 10 hours of not seeing them so they really only got to see each other from like you know 10: to 5: do they still sleep in the same bed yeah it's crazy nobody committed to this long it's crazy when marriage was invented it was like a 15E thing to to most romantic yo the people who were getting married were dying at like maximum at the age of like four we just talked about this the other day it was like you were either a guy who died at like 30 or a woman who died in child birth nobody was ever like let's do this for 60 years it's insane like hopefully if the guy who kills un a duel is a a man he'll at least support me best case scenario I I was just watching kills the flower Moon the other night and they said the uh how was that movie it's good it's I I like it I didn't like it I think I think I didn't see it cuz Scorsese is done it's over for Scorsese sces is over party it's not that he sucked it's that he had a good run and the runs over I I like doing I liked it more my first viewing the second time I didn't really pay attention it was Monday night after I I didn't care for it at all but I'm not I'm not some movie like critic but I was like this stinks I like I like I thought it was one of Leo's best performances that that part is true like I'm not saying it was bad acting I just like I don't like this movie right the uh but they say that the it's not that long it's like after World War I I think yeah no I forget no no no no I think it's earlier than that it's earlier than that yeah but they were saying the thez there were still Native Americans around here the average age of the O age was 50 the average age what of the oage Indians was 50 yeah 50 years old cuz there was no kids I no cuz they were killing them I guess I guess that poisoning them and murdering them oh all the young ones they were murder no just I mean in general I I think I I don't know how much that factored into it but I think they were just saying like they all like that's why they had that scheme of like marry one of the women so you can get their property and their blood rights and all that stuff and it was like the average age is 50 I was like wait the Aver age is what you ain't going to have to do this long that's dude damn you're almost 50 you'd be dead yeah how long do you think you're going to live till oh he'll be like 130 it's it's it's one or the other either horrible death or 130 I think you'll be like you know some Upper West Side Jew till you're like a thousand I think my life will torture people yeah yes fact there'll be a ton of people going why why why him and not my sister I'll be the example of how is that well not anymore we go to the Moon we can't do this yeah be the yeah I I whenever I have like not not like willing fantasies but just like when my mind flashes forward there's never a time where I'm like an old man 60 to 80 60 I don't think I do that either um like I'm either like when it's starting to all hurt you're moving slowly you start getting the shakes dude put me my my grandfather right now is very sick dude his grandfather just won't die and and like and he he's a very religious Catholic man and he like wants to go to heaven and he just so he can't just do it he they can't he can't die he took him off meds he's been he's been off his medication for like eight months what was his medication by Agra n you can still get hard good for grants that early riger Mort he dude we went to Christmas and he was just sitting there like please St and but the thing is too like he's not sickly he's still very like with it and all that stuff but he's just done he's just out and he can't well maybe that's why he's not dying he's not that sickly you know well he's got how old is he he's got cancer 89 89 that's got cancer that's about the right age to go yeah that's right there I think I would prefer pre 85 but you don't you no what you're saying is you're predicting what you'll be like you want to go with the the what you'll be like yeah yeah you're guessing now my but like he you know his grandfather's 89 is probably like my like right before yeah right right dude we did some stairs the other day me and Kevin it might be Kevin's 50 yeah really Listen by the way it wasn't just like stairs let's not categorize it as just like stairs it was it was it was at the top of a [ __ ] skyscraper in 50 mph winds straight up 155 steps so what' you do Edge yards thing I got do that yeah I mean was terrible honestly it was like I like the St he lik he's listen it was charactered I'm not going up to the [ __ ] 50th floor on stairs it's the 105th floor like no you take an elevator to the 104th you you walk from like 100 to 105 I think I it's 150 stairs however many 150 steps like straight up I they told me they put on this harness put on this head this this helmet and you're just going to we're put you in harness and you lean over the edge of the building and you get a good view and I was like all right cool whatever and then they were like let's go to base camp and I was like base camp what the [ __ ] is that base camp and and I like we walk outside and it was I don't know like Monday I don't you remember it was like whipping winds on the ground so up there it was like oh yeah and I was like uh nobody told me about this I would have absolutely said no and then so we like we [ __ ] hoof it up there I'm like gas and I'm mad and I'm like I didn't want to do like you guys [ __ ] lied to me so I was just like miserable and then they're like now it's time to do the thing and they're like you know Leo like you're the king of the world like how does it feel guys and I was like can we go now like I got I want to eat lunch like I did you hold him I leaned off without my thing set in no yeah they they did not they were like put this on your left shoulder and loop around your head like to the right and then lean over and all of us were like huh and I just kind of did it and got it right and he didn't get it right but did it I was like you're crazy bro you just hog off a building without following the instructions we we were hung we were still like strapped it wasn't like he could have fallen off but like I just leaned over and kept all my weight back I didn't want them to yell at me so I was just like leaning like this and I was like I'm not strapped in to the I was strapped him but I was checks the [ __ ] training of any of these people like some you show me your diploma for [ __ ] Carnival school he he was like I'm Showtime like we're here to like you know take you to the top and then I was like I'm show that was his name yeah he was like showtime and JJ and I mean they did they did a good job but I was also like I thought I was black lingo for a second you said I'm Showtime I'm like what does that mean like we're getting we're going to go now is that I I love New Black lingo like what what did they just say we were watching people on like the lower like Observatory who are just there to take pictures and [ __ ] getting blown away hats flying off people like leaning forward into the wind and I said to them I was like godamn this seems like a liability for you guys that they're still going up and they were like we go up in like hurricanes don't worry come to find out we were the last group of the day they shut it down after us I was like Liars for taking us up there when we were in the middle I love when you find out later like actually it was unsafe yeah yeah dude I did that with I went skydiving and they were like they were like like like hurrying us up like we it was it was honestly like you seen um Blackhawk Down yeah when they're like Irene [ __ ] Irene and they're all like running through the [ __ ] Choppers and [ __ ] like that it was like that us running to the hel to the airplane cuz they were like they like we got a we got a storm coming and we got to get up there so we can get out before the storm comes and we were like maybe we'll just do it tomorrow I was going to say no no we're good we're good let's go so we like our backpacks on like Sprint into the [ __ ] uh airplane we went up and just jumped out into a cloud so like it was for Skydive as far as skyling goes it wasn't that fun I didn't see the [ __ ] ground falling yeah just white I mean I'll be honest that obviously it's different than skydiving but that that thing was enough for me to be like okay I get nothing out of this I wasn't afraid but I also wasn't like wow like I feel so small in the Majestic City I was just like all right I mean a [ __ ] lot of building [ __ ] I guess yeah maybe if we did that on a mountain top and I saw like some beautiful [ __ ] Sunset it would be different but I was just kind of like Co I feel like you might be that even if you're like on top of Everest you're like whatever me totally but I know that like I I mean I did it the great canyon no I could I feel you could go like all right cool yeah totally I'm I'm the guy who's like have you guys seen Google Images like I get it bro I could have just looked this up that the visual [ __ ] just does not do it for me I'm much more damn like if if you could you need to be inside someone if you could tell me like do you want to go do you want to go sight see or have like a great conversation like just in a regular [ __ ] room I take the conversation 100 thousand times out of 100 don't give a [ __ ] about going any we were in tigua and we there's just like volcano you can climb like on the outside or whatever and see it like it's like a double Peak and you see see it like going off all night it's like pretty cool not far like a couple hundred yards away that's crazy and they're like no it's safe the wind only blows that way so you're like okay cool the wind only blows that yeah it's like there the tra wind never shifts yeah but legitimately a week later they had to evacuate the whole and it's like it's six hours down all the people just breathe in heavy Rock in the air all the all I just learned about some place uh can't remember where it is there is a constant thunderstorm going where uh I want to say somewhere in South America that's kind of sick it's uh like lightning strikes the ground like 150 times a day wow it's like a Perpetual storm that is just constantly going striking in the hearts of the women who read that story about me Jackie how'd you feel about that would you spoon Jackie was spooning she was like I want to I I heard verbatim I want to [ __ ] Ari Jack he said it actually think he was I want to love Ari I want to be in a deep committed relationship with him I want to marry for real did you lose weight did I yeah um I don't know you look different she got nose job got no job lost a couple pounds on nice happy 16th bro she was she was probably how long were you working here when you got the call what call she got a call from her doctor being like you do in fact have a deviated septum and she was like yes yes insurance is covering it it's a it's a medical procedure now it was amazing Judy goie said this great bit about she had a deviated septum and then the doctor was like hey while we're in there we can take you know the size of your nose down she she like no I I'm fine with the way I look and they're like no no we can do it for free and she goes don't touch my [ __ ] nose leave me a [ __ ] alone the only one in the world free yeah yeah I have a DV SE and I I have been told I should get no surgery and I have no idea what I would do if I did it yeah what can you choose the tile can you do the the up and but I mean like I don't even know if I you're the breathing guy breathe clear but like yeah but they can fix that without fixing my nose and I don't know if I'm I don't I to I if you're a dude who gets a nose job I think you're yeah yeah I don't think I'm going ever do any part of it even even black eyes for a while but I I don't think I'd I'd be able to be like you it's a whole new you it's yeah it's like it's a part got that done Francis got that done Francis got it uh he got like kicked in the face in a fight once and like story tracks that guy looks kickable a lobsterman in Maine kicked him in the face while he was standing up imagine that getting like Samurai kicked in the face but he like like one side he said he learned about it when he first went to do Coke and nothing happened and just nothing blew up one his nose yeah and uh and then he so he got the surgery and like it opened up his Airwaves and he was like I like my entire life changed he's like I'm getting oxygen now I guess that makes sense if you're getting half of the oxygen you need yeah you know hey you guys reminded me of a joke earlier hit me it's a two-part joke it's an old stock joke what do you call a woman with one leg do you know this no ien here's the second part what do you call an Asian one with one leg Irene it's like a 20 poter by the way yeah going and going by the way you put uh felberg in your act right I did as anage I forgot about that yes have you seen it yeah okay I wait I haven't seen it oh I saw it well wait I'm recording I'm recording a special it's going to be yeah okay the uh that's right I forgot I totally forgot about that someone dm'd you right yeah but I think I've seen it I don't know maybe or maybe somebody just sent me a clip I don't know but yeah that's that's honestly one of the kindest things and that makes you feel really nice yeah changed yeah both names of his character yeah when you see it it's it's yeah um let's talk about uh I think it was this Monday night uh just passing piss all around the club you were there for that right oh at skanks yeah Legion of skanks guys were doing shots of piss what yeah they had a doctor on set you guys were testing your piss for something no we had Dr Drew was there oh right it just made things get out of hand bro they convinced this guy they they pissed you guys piss P like a full cup it was just me it was a few cups it different cup that's I thought I thought it was when you start pissing you don't know how much it's going to come out when you piss into something I thought all of them there was so many I figured they were like oh they must all be testing like their levels of something that's the joke it was all AR's piss apparently yeah though they were going to check my rectum first they were going to just like be doctors and then Lou like let's check AR's rectum and it's like dude what here's the problem with skanks Once you pull out a rectum that's that's a cat out of the bag Anything Goes done this before yeah me and lisis had a Mexican stand up cuz Dave they were trying to see who's the best doctor and Dr Drew was going to name it who the best doctor was among the three of them oh okay and I was trying to get Drew to like name me regardless but but anyway and then Dave was like I'm out you guys you're you're do it and then L like I'll give him a rectum exam that we had to have a stand off like don't you [ __ ] push in and he goes don't push towards me though and it was like look me in the eye finger was on your [ __ ] yeah but he had a glove on but it was like don't he's like you don't P both looking at each other like knowing like we both want to betray the other so it's like it's like on the three I sit and you push let's go yeah as like how can we get this guy to agree to my terms we're both like how can I betray him as we're saying it we saw in each other's eyes y that [ __ ] gets wild but who was that guy they were like and then I had dick out so I was like well I got to piss I knew I had to piss and I'm like let me have a cup these stand cups are too small I'll just say that Kim was rest it's the stand's fault that they can't hold your bladder dude so yeah two two two glasses and a shot glass and then they made this they were like Josh drink it drink it they were like I'll give you 500 bucks if you drink that cup it was like a [ __ ] tumbler and he was like he I think he stood his ground on the cup but then they poured a shot and I watched I mean already poured a shot and it just like splashed everywhere and then I think that guy just did it for free he did well he didn't do the whole glass but he just ripped his shot a piss yeah this is such a great job exposition of what we were saying earlier where like you change your Public Image with the dog the second we start about drinking piss AR's hugging Bandit offset B Be offset upet this buddy offet this yeah the whest white drinking pier and letting your dog kiss you man oh my God yeah it was pretty bad and Dr Drew was just like I feel like he was like I'm out I'm out but also like hemorrhoids huh Dr Drew is a wild one man cuz he really runs like you know with the crew like he knows all the comics he's on all the shows he does he's been doing it a long time his his um national anthem at skankfest at the fights of skankfest was we were all smoking cigars we were like who's this Angelic voice sung it wow a professional singer to start this off and then we all looked over the balcony and was like [ __ ] Drew yeah he's a great singer but yeah but he's like it's funny cuz his expertise is doctoring but he also like doctoring come on up he also understands the humor of it yes yeah yeah which is why it works yeah which is why it works it's like you know he's talking to some of the most unhealthy guys in the world about the most disgusting things in the world but he does it with his doctor voice so it's funny we tried to get him we're like have you ever been you ever get hard at a breast exam he like nope come on and he goes have you ever can you tell a hot dead body versus not he's like no I'm like you can't see a [ __ ] fat dead chick versus a thin de head he goes you don't look at him like that I'm like that's bullsh [ __ ] there's a part of you that goes was if they were still alive I would yeah or also if nobody was around I right now to it you don't know if you'll like it that's what that the that's what happened to Marine Muro right her body went missing for like eight hours when she died no I'm pretty sure at least that's an urban legend really that her body was missing for like a good chunk of time when she died well they had to like cover up the what how they well I'm sure there's multiple reasons why but I also think somebody you know jerked it I probably would have you may it's Marilyn Monroe you think you'd have to try I I imagine you were quite a fan of this website do you remember rotten.com yeah rotten and just meet R dude it was a call it up Jackie Jackie call it up is it still alive is it still there he [ __ ] the can't or won't access to computer oh that's smart Okay iow that the uh I remember we don't want the women have computers here we used to go look at like uh went babysitter we used to go look at like uh babysitter like I don't know how obviously how real they were but I remember like we were looking at like uh Mother Teresa's autopsy and [ __ ] like that's such a vile thing [ __ ] Mother Teresa by the way she's Sheck the course of felber's life changing with his babysitter's decision yeah no his babysitter also raped she used to make me watch like porn with her what he was assaulted by his babysitter for sure I mean you would have been like not a doctor but like a a regional manager something something good that baby should have ruin and just like you just see it sliding door she come like tell me about the guy she's been [ __ ] and no way how old were you I was probably like early middle school she was a senior in high school crazy she' be like I just I just sucked the hockey team's dick and I was like okay I don't think I knew that one that's crazy she sucked four their dicks before a game but she told you that before a game best she was she was like we'd get in the for she we got in the for explor and she's like I was in I was like in the middle like doing like front back side like she was [ __ ] yeah and she told this as like you were like a 10-year-old I was like I don't know what this means Lady it's like too advanced for you bro I've been I've been kind of joking about the babysitter for like a decade now but he really was assaulted wow wow how hot was she really hot yeah so it was probably pretty awesome you should have seen her post nose job too she did get a nose job that's the true story um yeah doctor's like your nose is full of [ __ ] we have to do something we can kill it while we're in there get it lower have you gotten vasectomy yeah yeah when did you do that five years ago six years ago seven years ago so you just been blowing loads blowing loads dude it's so good why are you guys gonna get one no I saw uh Chay danana got Dana got one not too long ago he's a pretty young dude he went with the preemptive to me and I I remember you getting it yeah I was surprised at at when women will when you go later vasectomy they'll just go like you can just see that the look on their eye and and they just like they won't say it right away but they're like I'm gonna get filled up so wait are you saying are you saying that the vasectomy is a little of a uh afrod afrodesia it's just like oh it's it's like it's like WorryFree yeah loads well it's it's just such a such a burden for them we don't do anything just like we're running hot I'll be honest every load I've ever had was a Warrior free load I've had I've had a lot of stress after but yeah ohen nobody's there wasn't a single care in the world oh my God that's so funny but I mean you think about chicks like half the time they're not coming so they're not in like that state of like do anything whatever who cares right and they're on the meds or the patch or the shot shot or the the [ __ ] turkey Wishbone thing like yeah it's it's just a nightmare for them yeah and then they got to worry about like a drop getting out a [ __ ] microscopic little dude I [ __ ] a chick once in Nashville and she was I was like I did the due diligence of like you try to have the conversation in the best way you can like do you have anything have you had anything in the past one thing I always did was I'd say like I've had chyia before start the conversation off with like hey I'm not perfect also replies I got nothing now I got nothing now but like I'm just letting you know so if you got anything and then they have hit with like I have herbes under control I'm like let me think this over actually when I'm not hard it's probably the best whatever or I'll go slow I shouldn't get it um yeah the friction won't be enough but and then it's also like can't get heres you go slow what would you do if you got pregnant it's part of the conversation like hey I'm not looking to come inside you but just if it happened and I this chick was like no I would never get uh an abortion and it's still like I'm going to go a couple clean Strokes what a dumb [ __ ] what a dumb [ __ ] move and after I got the vect the doctor's like two months or something like that mons clear out you clear it out I still [ __ ] shot a load with no condom in that two months it's insane how stupid we insane how dumb like your brain just gets like smart people become dumb Reckless people used to have a great bit about it how when you got a boner you it's like you're in the back of a bus and someone else is driving and the whole time you're like hey I think you missed the turn hey my house is that way it's already like midnight I should be going home I got a big thing tomorrow come on hey what are we doing and then he goes as soon as you come you're you're in the driver's seat what the [ __ ] yeah what a great bit that was that's funny we met him for the first time Austin how was it he's good I mean it was it's just it was very funny realizing that he is exactly the same person he just aumb [ __ ] [ __ ] uh MMA and elk meat and [ __ ] I was like wow okay yeah it's that's your scene it's so funny how very famous people I'm sure your buddy Dave has the same [ __ ] has things thrust on them you know as like an idea of them right and you're like and he's never done anything to really earn that other than one or two conversations my business got bigger so now suddenly I'm a national security threat I I I will say like cuz I Dave is I was thinking about who are like the most famous people I've ever talked to yeah and I think it's we were we we we did interview with Hemsworth Chris Hemsworth and we were debating maybe he is the uh yeah right there wow right there that's a picture of him yes that's right but I I will say people who need uh bodyguards in public is a level of like whoa holy [ __ ] especially when you yourself are a a bodyguard dude I'm around those guys' bodyguards it's so funny or sometimes I'll see guys now it's so funny you see the guys who want to keep up with the other guys so like they need one right they they can't even if it's just like move move forget like kidnapping threats if it's just like get out of the way this guy needs to like drink his coffee yeah there was some dude who was like a little too drunk and a little too and the guy came over was like get the [ __ ] out of here but then you'll see Like midlevel Comics like I'm getting a bodyguard oh is this a status thing way I get maybe that's the move like maybe we should just pay for bodyguards and make people go whoa yeah yeah you know it's like have like you have a fake look more Butch and just [ __ ] like Jackie you're our new bodyguard exmilitary I I could very much go for one of those guys who is the bad guy who steps in and goes hey come on just keep M you know what I mean like when you know people get a little too drunk and they linger a little too long and it's fine but you're also like I I don't want to do this anymore dude I I saw one of Rogan's guys in action once doing it we were all at dinner we're all eating and some guy just wanted to like he didn't just want to say hi he he wanted to disrupt yeah we're all talking also it's like no get out it doesn't matter nothing you can say um but he he's walking by you know like from his table and then outward near the front and then he steps up to say like hey man and this guy if he'll get it or something but he just goes as he's like Hey Jo he goes hey like hey can I help you it was like how' you get it that fast I clocked him see him from way back yeah even like when we go to like the Super Bowl we have a bunch of X cops who kind of just oversee like the whole operation yeah and and it's really not like we're never in danger but it's they almost just like drive us back and forth and but they they told me they they're like we are always like clocking everything wow and like 99% of the time we don't see anything but we always are like guy like a little weird oh he's good and you know they just like once you once you have that in you you don't stop it's funny too when you're not the celebrity because I've been you guys probably are too the the the um satellite of the [ __ ] you can see it all you can see all looking at them and talking about them cameras just people putting cameras over the top of the circle oh my God like when Shane walked in it became like it's so lame you know and I was like whoa I went to a bar with Shane and Austin and just like it was like non-stop Bros just asking for pictures and I was like Shane you're like [ __ ] sucks dude he that or years fun and then it's like then they like we got a private room for like I don't want to be in a private room I just want to be at the bar right it does suck I just want to be talking and looking at the TV and chicks and like just talking to my friends we've always been pretty much right at that spot the whole time yeah you guys get recognized but not where it's crazy and we can like we can uh go wherever you know and there's a couple things and it actually feels good still it's like okay we still got it you know like I don't want it to totally stop but the the minute you actually need The Bodyguard or can't go to the places or whatever we had uh Tommy and Chris Bron before they moved to uh Austin stuff Island and they were telling about like I think they were on the road with Shane in like Oklahoma or somewhere like that and they were like went to get like a burger at like a not a rest stop but like a roadside burger place like in the middle of not yeah and they were sitting in their car eating it and some guys like knock on the window like are you are you Shan Gillis and they were like we can't [ __ ] go anywhere anywhere dude bro when that Tarantino rumor went the other day tarano RoR there was a rumor I don't even know where it started but it it just went through the internet that Shane Gillis was going to be the lead in Taran know's final film and honestly for a split second I was like the dude's on such a hot streak maybe I I texted him be like is this true and he was like no but I was like I thought about it for a second God I want to be in a Tarantino movie so bad just a bit part I wanted so long show show your feet oh yeah he's a big fot guy hot feet you have hot feet no no you're you you have you have hoofs I do I have fungus on one of them oh my God a long time you are a disgusting man do you really people are spooning dude this is your king this is your king you have funus on your foot you don't address i' I've tried they're like put this [ __ ] on it and I did bleach your feet bro what just put under the nail get your nail removed I did I did in Vietnam the lady was like oh you just got to take your nail off and she kept chopping it off till it was down to like there and I like okay and she scrubbed it off and then like uh and then it just grew back funy is it here's why you need bodyguards I saw poroi when when I was eating somewhere on like in the East Village and then I saw him through the window just walking or something hanging out and then I was like oh my first thought is oh I know people he knows I can say and then it was like it stopped I luckily stopped like how's this going to enich his life right right to say hey I know frenier hey stop whatever you're doing or talking about stop that concentrate on this for a second lose your train of thought and then have to go back to it and then it's like I'm just going to keep eating my [ __ ] and I mean even but like that is not even the worst separation there are people who will be like yo man like my friend once you once retweeted my friend or something like that I'm like what okay what that is insane to say to me that is the best you tweeted this bro I've sent 175,000 Tweets in my life like I have no [ __ ] idea man so you liked Austin you have a good time we were there very real real quick we we we've done two very brief trips we we did one to do our own live show and the night off we went to the mother ship and then last time we just did the the Burt and Tom vodka party and then two bears the next morning and then flew out so wait the mothership trip was a different trip correct why'd you go there we had our own show in Austin that so like Saturday we had a show so we got in Friday and went to the Mother Ship oh nice I did he he was watching I didn't go Mothership was cool yeah you never go I I always he always goes that was the Bruins were in the playoff yeah he's he's the yes guy he's the reason why we went to I did not want to Myck I got a new pocket so you didn't come that so hung over from Amsterdam that's fair I'd come back at any time whenever you want me text me I'm in he actually is better like that that Amsterdam story is the only travel story I've got he's got more so he should go he goes a lot of places okay I'm in I'm in wait why did how could I go I went to Amsterdam too I know I'm saying you but you came in did the podcast yeah you were just too hung I was so H over we like got in we came in we like did the podcast right right I remember that now yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's cool no I would love to do that okay I'll have you in the podcast is starting it's starting finally whenever you are free I'm in okay cool as soon as I'm off the road okay yeah he's got a bunch of good ones he goes on like lot of good travel stor oh perfect that's what the devil's breath in Colombia the devil's what the he almost got you know like that that devil's breath where they like you lose your free will yeah I I did ended up turning out I just bought like the best Coke I've ever done who knew Colombia that's who nice but he went to like on a whim out of nowhere he went to London for a soccer game and there's you know always he's always playing hockey in the Czech Republic I've done a lot really yeah yep wow oh yeah for sure I got to have you in multiple times yeah I I went and told my onea good travel story and now I'll never be on the show again what's the name of it again you be tripping UB be tripping yeah and so have you banked a bunch is that what you I bed a bunch I was like trying to get it all done it's out they're all every yeah and then um and they're coming out yeah Monday twice a week for a month go to UB tripping pod on YouTube and just like uh you be tripping on whatever and and just like they're just fun hourong like telling about a place yeah i' I'd be very excited to do that also people who do like it are going to love that you know I mean it's a very Trav not taking too seriously the whole travel industry for like it's all about it was the most emotional time in my life or I spent time in a prison there nothing it was cool fun trip some jokes about it right here's where to go diar where is your most like off the map I know you've been everywhere but like your most off the map that you would recommend to someone who is a novice traveler what's a novice like someone who's not like you or even me to an extent I'm not like you I'm not as the most off the map to like a semi- beginner Thailand's a good entry way I dude I was just a bachelor party with a bunch of Irish dudes and I brought it up again they all are like we do T like Thailand is the great it's foreign but but it's pretty set up for tourism so you're not really like dollar go like a dollar dude I was doing the math on on I was at a full moon party there and we were like I was just going to bring up the full moon party I hear it's unbelievable so good I did an episode about it really yeah um cuz I'll be interviewed on some of these episodes where someone like talk to me about a place I've been so I don't interrupt other people I'll just be like I've been there I'll save it for my episode um it's so fun it's a bunch it has nothing to do with Thailand it's a bunch of people from all over the world Backpackers mostly show up in I think kenyang or kosui and they just do drugs and drink I'm assuming it's just under full Moes full moon night whatever yeah it's every full moon yeah and there's a website full moon party maybe to like just tell people what it is don't they put like meth in the drinks no but they have these remember the remember the extreme gulps KFC not KFC the 7-Eleven extreme GS yeah so it's like you could fill it up every day it's five and a third cans of coke I would drink one of those a day when I was working at the store but uh they fill that up with like six different alcohols and some coke and Red Bull [ __ ] much mess dude but there's also alcohol and Red Bull is you hit me with the hardest no like oh they all lied cuz they were telling me a story about how like they were all [ __ ] up at like 6:00 a.m. and people like what drugs you done like nothing but we've been yeah you drink them and it's all caffeine there's also a mushroom Shake area uh you can just get mushroom shakes um you you pay for a ticket like this has got to be this got to come from somebody right like the it's got to be fun no you pay when you get there so it's all food vendors that do the things and they'll do this they'll show you like a brand new bottle of like Jack Daniels like you want one of these one of the small ones like yeah that go in there and they go okay sure and they go some [ __ ] 1917 [ __ ] version of [ __ ] Jack Daniel just put some just terrible refilled [ __ ] whiskey she had go like I need to see it I need to see it open I need to see it crack I need to see it open um don't turn around um mushroom there's whipits uh people do I saw a guy [ __ ] just eat just go on one of those balloons and then just go get up laughing and go that was awesome we're like three the uh like a it's like a lazy river where like there are bars on it and you kind of like they just like throw out a rope that's La that's La that sounded awesome too Cambodia yeah uh who's been there colum Terrell's been there um Denny PUK has been there Irish are [ __ ] yeah they go for it but Thailand is like the entryway into like hey it's foreign but it's still sort of safe so that would be where's the craziest place period you've been you're like I'm not doing that again there there's almost no place I would be like I'm not doing that really if it's gotten like Ecuador I lived in for six months but it's I think it's pretty bad right now I think the gangs have taken over the government you you you have not been there's not been a moment where you were like in a [ __ ] like River in a jungle being like I got to get the [ __ ] out of here there have been it's almost always in my head of like oh [ __ ] yeah there was a time in East Tour cuz people like Americans do go get kidnapped and [ __ ] you know like [ __ ] does happen and you just never run into any problems more happens here yeah Henry said I've almost died five times in my life and everyone has been in America true I mean like what we talking about Chicago what are we talking about yeah yeah yeah yeah um yeah in east team War I was like I was on a moped and I was just going along and I heard about my my half Brothers in the Army captain of the army he goes if you're going there man that's what's the where's this East te East teamour it's Indonesia teamour Le day they call it which East but like he goes it's it's Bandits are there mhm uh not you budy but like uh and he goes don't go any further east than Dilly the capital and I went to the eastern most and I'm on a moped and these guys are passing me and they're bad and I'm like [ __ ] this is bad they keep clocking me and they keep looking at me they go up ahead and they pass they're just smoking cigarettes watch me pass I'm like [ __ ] they got motorcycles I got a moped and I'm getting further and further away from everything I'm like this is bad news and then nothing happened they were just Christians really yeah we don't like Jews Christians no coming a mile before the moped and like we know what this is they just invited me to eat with their family I was like legit worried but they were just like we should invite this guy over that's very funny yeah so it's all almost always in your head what do you what do you think of uh that's out there me and Mars out there the Uncharted places are like the best what what makes you want to just want to experience like you're not do like like Sam Talent goes into do shows in a lot of like R Sam went to Ecuador for a while with you no his chick was there so we I gave him advice it's so fun to like relive a place where you're like oh go to this place go to this city is going to oh you got to try guinea pig when you're there you got to do this you eating guinea pig yeah it's so good it's so good I challenge that yeah it's it's better than duck really so good dude listen I eat a lot expecting it to be like I'm just going to try this and forget it like when you go to a town like malorts you're like I'll try it sucks yep it sucks okay I had it I'm done but you've got like a thirst for guinea pig now dude I'll I'll have if it's on a menu I'm like oh my God no [ __ ] way I love it they have these chanted kuros which are like beetle larvae are not as good wait how do you eat guinea pig in what form is it is it like a spade out no way yeah uh splade out and so that you just like eat the the skin is so tough you can't really get but you can eat the cheek meat and it's like just smiling the whole head is in there the whole head is in there um uh oh man I got to show you [ __ ] you eat it like raw it's not like you put it whatever no but I'm saying like you just eat the meat it's not like it's a it's not a sandwich it's not a oh my god dude yeah dude it's so [ __ ] good and not that expensive wor 30 bucks surprised that sounds expensive to me I must not be 30 bucks for a guinea pig oh no dude they're [ __ ] like this [ __ ] I don't give a [ __ ] man it's a guinea pig I wouldn't pay more than $4 for a guinea pig uh uh that guy dated that actress who killed him later made him commit suicide whatever his name is the Chef Guy Anthony Bourdain yep he said it's the most sustainable could solve world hunger it's delicious W sustainably delicious started slaughtering guinea pigs everywhere where when when did I go to Ecuador 2020 when was Co 2020 19 2020 yeah I got to show you this but I'll all looking for it was so [ __ ] good what do you do you try Foods when you go places I yeah I do I'm I'm a whenin Rome guy when in Rome I like that yeah I like that falber is a big I invented it um the uh so profound never heard of that before see uh yeah no I'm I'm pretty easy breezy I'm you know if I'm somewhere I'm going to participate in the culture as long as they'll have me yeah that's the way to do it that mean like it's it's like I I hate places I mean if they're eating it they're it's something yeah but even just like like I hate I hate going on vacation and going to a resort and just like sitting at the bar next to guy from Connecticut all inclusiv suck a [ __ ] why the [ __ ] did I come here if I'm was going to hang out with some guy from New England sense to me so and I I think that's my mom my mom like traveling when we growing up always hated she's like we're not staying in Resorts really we're staying like in town in like a boutique or whatever kind of Hotel like that's cool impresses upon you like the culture and uh so yeah I I I would [ __ ] I hate going to like a place and just staying at a nice resort yeah it's like when they bring you food it's like then what have I done yeah you want to at least make the mistake you feel you feel like particularly like I'm picturing now like going on like Caribbean vacations like when it's just like a thousand white people at the Four Seasons and a bunch of black people working you're like this feels very uncomfortable right it feels like colonialism like you can just feel the it taken over some guy be like you want to r a jet ski you'll be fine like I don't [ __ ] r a jet ski it's always that it is always that God damn I can't find these [ __ ] pictures of this Gody I want to show you so bad I didn't even I never heard people eating guinea pig I did not know that no I didn't think so either I the cheek is what's really getting me yeah but there's cheek meat a l but you got to really get to it well yeah I mean I guess you think about it and that's like w i can I would think of it as more skin than meat but you know um what's the best job you've ever had I worked at Arling International Cemetery as a uh as a horticulturalist what but really just lay laying pipe Jackie back me up on this uh oh culturist I feel like that word gets thrown around incorrectly oh here we go I think okay that's his head in front of my head just flip oh that's big you're right that is big yeah that's just his head that you take off but he's still got the smile on him yeah what it looks like there's like Teeth almost yeah yeah teeth are on there it's it's some of fried or some of it's on a spit one or the other and it's it's better than duck it's so delicious and tangy and in such a great way let's what should we do the rabbit's got the gun not so fun is it Ari Twitter let's see attack [Laughter] attack um nothing we watch [ __ ] Once Upon a Time in Hollywood with together I said wouldn't it be cool and you you kind of agreed what is a horiculture is that plants yeah it's like plant yeah but it really it's just we're laying pipe to like water The Lawns and stuff that job ruled told me about that yeah yeah it was 16 it ruled so [ __ ] hard we take naps in the graves the open Graves cuz it was shady there was no one in it yet so for the [ __ ] people that are going to get M so you've slept in the grave of a fallen soldier no a fallen soldier has entered into my bed it was not yet the grave of a fallen soldier he is correct that is there's a timeline and it matters yeah exactly it does matter um yeah that job rued but you know your first job at 16 it's like wow this is so cool yeah I would get off for the Pentagon stop um because the AR National Cemetary stop was a top did you live down are you from there yeah from Maryland that's also I'm filming my special in DC April 26th and 27th nice um come see my joke R fights it's not about you um but yeah so you do the Pentagon stuff and then as you get off the metro and you have to go through the Pentagon parking lot I would just like try doors to try to see if I can break in I was so [ __ ] dumb I didn't think oh they probably have good [ __ ] cameras well do they because apparently they couldn't catch a plane they couldn't catch a plane I bet they caught it on camera though I bet they're like oh [ __ ] um yeah I don't know but I couldn't find any doors that were open I'm trying to steal CDs and [ __ ] trying to steal CD what anho was like that like you have access to like that's like perfect like 16year old brain like someone's like what you you have access to the Pentagon what are you stealing like blank CDs so I can burn them yeah not blanks trying to find you trying find okay so you were trying to find actual information my brain which is older than a 16-year-old brain went to that's smart getting some uh CD ROM you can burn that burn I was like no I want to get the Weezer dude I got my car broken into in LA and they stole all my like actual CDs and I was like if I see a Mexican listening to Weezer I'm gonna Fu get that [ __ ] CD back when I lived my my last apartment before I lived in the house I'm in now I uh it was like mostly street parking and uh I like every day my apart my car would just be like rans sacked cuz I just like leave the car doors open I don't have anything of value and I think these guys guys just would come by every night and just check it out like maybe this time there's going to be some cash but every time like the sunglasses thing would be down the um the glove box would be open the center console will be open and I was like I did it again there was just never anything of value and I was like I know you're not going to you got to pretty much go leave a notes say there's nothing in here but leave the doors open right because don't smash the windows yeah don't smash the windows to find out you can look through you're not going to find anything and you don't want to steal this car I saw in sanco people doing it going door like like broad day I was honking once I was like [ __ ] didn't even look up he was just like and then go to the next one theed the pickup truck just like and then the next car just like crazy they just they lost the battle I one time had my car broken into and I I just didn't realize my car was so messy I couldn't even tell it had been ran and the only reason I knew is like I was driving on the highways when I was in Boston and I went to open my center console to check for something and there were like five burner phones in it and I was like what the [ __ ] they left him there they yeah I guess I don't know they were probably like let's get rid these this guy Drive these out of town or whatever the f i Lear ared get murdered I later realized it was so messy that the only thing missing from my car was uh I had gotten the uh Supreme snakes skin sneakers I forget what some kind of Nike I'd gotten those were they were in the box I'd never worn them and those were gone and I was like damn that's all they took but it took me like weeks to find out so funny how when you see somebody's pretty much like oh and you're just like yeah when they when they broke in they stole my they my it was like an aftermarket um like stereo sound system yeah and they took that but they were like well you got to pay for it then fill out uh uh insurance thing and they pay you back and I'm like I don't have the money to put that out I was such a poor comic and also like how do you do insurance how do you fill that out and I just had a hole in my [ __ ] thing for about a year you were living out ago no that was La that was oh yeah yeah but San Francisco I was just there a few months ago and it was like how long were you poor listen I always had a safety net I could always have moved back home so the poor was trying it on got it got it um okay they weren't going to [ __ ] me money didn't have that kind of money but I could have moved home and moved into my old room and I was never going to be homeless but probably about seven eight years maybe nine years and then comedy just started to click then it started take off um yeah I started booking commercials I guess so that paid some stuff but like man that that poor those poor years set me up for you can't [ __ ] with me anymore my my tastes are not that high yes I can do anything now it's not like like you're not going to see me complain about them checking my bag when I'm In First Class you know what I mean I'm like oh my God I got a window seat I'm great dude there are plenty of people though who like have gone through it and lose that quick lose it quick lose sight of it it's not like once you if you if you do that you're you're guaranteed to have guess I guess you're right it is a type of person yeah yeah it blows my mind that that there are people like that that just immediately like I would never do this you you did it [ __ ] two minutes ago you know it's CRA for a long time yeah exactly especially in the comedy world I feel like it's like a long time of poor and then usually like you know I think some of those guys are waiting to not be that yeah that's I mean da Dave we always joke it's like Dave you know Blue Collar uh uh by the Common Man for the Common Man and immediately got money and became like a rich [ __ ] and we called him on it when he first got money and he goes I was always this guy I just didn't have the money to do it yet I've just been waiting it releases you releas your expandability yeah yeah so yeah people knows about porno that was actually his fourth dog the other ones weren't as cute and he put him down he put him down early so guess what ladies there's one swooner what do you what do you what do you think of uh I feel like you were kind of the first were you the first like Rogan comic no no there was others you were pretty early though no he always he'd always like ask guys to open for him Diaz was before me there was other guys too Mike young Matt kers Duncan yeah I think dun was before me what do you think of that just like the whole Rogan effect I mean listen you maybe you open for Pete Davidson and didn't know that he just stopped doing standup right you know right uh you you got got lucky that you're [ __ ] sh you know that somebody who's friends you became the most powerful man in [ __ ] broadcasting yeah it wasn't like we planned for that right but it was cool that some [ __ ] headliner would take you on the road with them and he'd buy your meals when you couldn't afford them right yeah he' like put the money away put the money away I'm like no no I you feel bad if her like let me let me ship in he goes dude I get it it's not a power move yeah you just shouldn't do it right right right yes yes I just try to pay him back by by treat poor Comics cuz you can't pay a guy back who who has you know own estate money I mean that's the way to do it right right pay forward sort of thing yeah what has he when he like puts guys on is it ever like a conversation where he's like I you know I Think You're great and I want you up next or is it just like hey I want you to come on my show like it's not is it is it a a more orchestrated thing no I think it's an extension of how he used to be where it would be like hey you're really funny man oh thanks dude and now he just had we're just that even as a young comic and I I kind of forget now that I've become a headliner what that means to a young comic right like you're still just I saw Louis CK once before all this stuff that happened at the Sellar and he was doing a set and kind of like look down like this and he's he was like there [ __ ] crumbs on me and then he was like the [ __ ] is wrong with me just crumbs resting on the outcropping of my dumb [ __ ] fat belly and it was just like I'm like that's just a schmendrick if he didn't have wealth or fame you'd be like who's this disgusting redhead fatty you know and then and because so stuff was put on him so just that alone of like a headliner going hey that was really funny I was on news radio that was like thanks man Carlin used to do that he would come in the back and ask people get off he like that was really great he knew who was George Carlin he knew would have went for George Carlin to be telling you that was a funny set Carlin told you that was great nope but other people told other people and he also wouldn't throw it around when it wasn't warranted yeah well that's good though cuz that means something you know exactly and you walk by you're like oh maybe you didn't hear me you walk back walk forth again tie your shoes I'm like damn it he's I knew I bombed but yeah just doing that alone and then just like just being cool just being an example of someone who was like he was just on a TV show on a on like a 25th ranked TV show you know just a semi celebrity everybody's bigger now than he was then right um but there weren't as many people so just that alone and then he was like you want to come in the road with me one time yeah okay and then just like showing you how to be showing you how to take chances on stage that part was all the cool part that was all way before the podcast right he couldn't do anything for you he got man show he got one friend to write her job you know what I mean he had no power so it was all it was all the same thing so this now is just an extension of that where it's like well I do have this thing so if he sees like a funny comic like he saw like this lady Laura bites late night once at the store she like oh damn she was [ __ ] late night at the store sometimes you see people just crushing in front of nobody and you're just like happen to be done drinking or smoking weed you come back up and somebody's [ __ ] you're like this is hilarious MH and he's like oh it was so funny hey you want to come my podcast next crazy next week or something yeah or you get in their head but it's not like no it's not orchestrated like I'm GNA put you over right right I I still have a hard time asking Comics to come on the show I know I feel like I'm bothering them the yeah I I'm like it's it's I need to shift my brain to like some guys are good at it some guys just ask everybody hey come do my podcast but I feel like I'm like asking them a favor and I don't like asking people for favors so like and I almost feel like it's also like insulting sometimes to ask them to come on the show cuz it's like I don't know like them being like I don't [ __ ] like I I my respon be like I don't [ __ ] need your show in the early day is when I started joining up with you guys and when I had my old podcast skeptic tank it it there weren't as many pods and it was like hey you want to come do a fun thing and and then it became like I'm bugging everybody cuz everybody's got one and I really just didn't want to bother guests anym I also liked it when it was like Outlaw I will no I'll always help you promote your special your book or whatever I liked it when it was like you want to just come and talk just come on no one had anything going on you didn't need to have a thing and you know can we do it in 6 months when I have a thing going on it's like we can but also now and you can come back in 6 months too we can do this all the time exactly it's a good excuse to come on now because also like then it works both ways like am I bothering you just like I just come well I've also learned that the people that I've become the most friends with I have on the show the least because they're become almost like my friends you know what I mean like I I haven't had justo on the show in I like years but I talk to him the most and I'm always like hey we we should you know you should come back on the show he's like yeah yeah yeah and then it's always like oh but I got this thing with my kids we'll do it next time it's almost because we're friendly that it's like oh we'll do it next time we'll do it next time we'll do it next time yeah exactly you don't bug him to do it that's yeah with this one too I'm like you want to come on I'm home the whole week and they're like uh like don't worry about it buddy don't worry about it yeah the minute that there's like a you know I don't want you to got it shouldn't be like pulling teeth the minute I mean the time that the times that we have had people come in and be like very clearly like don't want to be here I'm like what are you doing here yeah we we assumed you wanted to be here by like you know your you can tell those people right I don't understand like standoffish I didn't I didn't one you just said no I said no to stuff and and maybe it's like some publicist is making me do this and I I did say no or whatever but then you need yeah right right right right right the I I very much we we because we don't go on a lot of shows and I we've recently done two bears we did Leanne show I feel one bro we're the worst like it's like the number one way people grow we've just never done it so anybody who has a podcast that's big enough we'll do it yeah they fun when you don't have to like it's like this goes well or bad I don't care I don't mind for this UB tripping one because it's like the other the skeptic I started to feel like I was bugging people this one I'm like no you're going to want to talk about this stuff it's actually fun I like hearing it I'm not just using you for [ __ ] advertising yes it is even when you started just telling your stories like I like locked in and travel stories are [ __ ] awesome and then and then halfway through you start going oh yeah that yeah yeah yeah [ __ ] you didn't think about for so [ __ ] but that's also a testament to like your podcast has to be good enough that you get that you elicit that from somebody because when you come in and it's just like you know I don't know they ask the same question comic as a podcast which is that's that's fine but almost all their podcasts is I talked to interesting people about things and it was like so you're just not doing the comedy part yeah yeah I noticed that a lot we're all just interviewers I think that's a Rogan thing too though like why do we go Rogan had that is part of Rogan's thing is he talks to people things and then there's like this this domino effect where it's like and then they go on this show and this show and this show it's like oh my God see them like Rogan launches them and they get on to every [ __ ] podcast Lex Freeman huberman enough with you right right it's just like everyone's like I love this guy like I didn't know he existed a [ __ ] week ago and it's like you're all probably the same audience too so we're here same same question you talked about this once can you talk about it again for me dude that's that's the biggest thing CU we get like celebrities on sometimes and they have their story those are my least like I I I really like they're very nice people and but it's me who does the worst job during the interview because I'm not just asking questions because like I know we need to get a clip from this and that and like it's it ends up being a bad not fun interview because it's not just sitting here shooting the [ __ ] you guys have that guy who in that new Tom Cruz movie the one from um the good girl who's that guy the new Tom Cruz the good girl what's the new Tom what's the good girl no the girl next door no New Girl New Girl New Girl was on TV show yes there was a guy in that oh J joh Johnson he's awesome you had him yes he tells a story about was it from this yes where Tom Cruz made him do the movie yeah yes I watched that and it came across me my whatever I watched it it registered as not as a wrote thing he said before but I'm like I guarantee this is his story story he tells yeah the well that see you know what that's a great point cuz I Jake is actually awesome and he sold it and as that's not just on autopilot that was one I asked cuz I knew that story I not I didn't know to that extent yeah but I I had read I think I think I I think I said I was like you worked with Tom Cruz or whatever that was because oh I knew the story of how he tried to quit that's what I knew and I cuz he like he flew over to London and tried to quit the the rest of it I did not I did did not know like the the training and all that stuff but like I I wanted to hear about that so that was something but that I mean if you have a a Tom Cruz story that is a story you'll probably retell I I but it's like when you promoting a movie you go boom boom boom boom in the old days no one would ever hear it yeah yeah now you hear them all but I I get like I'll I'll hear things on our show that I thought are they're not interesting enough to be retold right I thought they were just like kind of like a like a slice of lice like observation and then I'm like oh you did it on Fallon and you did it here you did it there I'm like when you go to you got to get your publicist to [ __ ] go over your [ __ ] yeah dude the that happens with Comics too though they absolutely they're like I don't want to waste this joke but they do and they just like tell it all the way up higher level of stuff get it ready for Rogan I I remember when ready forck ter when we started it was that we did something with Burr and someone else I forget and and we they were on the they we were in New York so they came on the show and we did the show and they told some story that I was like holy [ __ ] that was [ __ ] hilarious and the way they told it I remember with bird like it it came up naturally so I was like wow like I think we just got like a good like scoop and then we get to the show to the show and in particular I remember like we're like walking to our seats at MSG and I'm like holy [ __ ] he told on the he told on the podcast yesterday he just he just put this into his act and then I was like no you [ __ ] idiot it was the soldier got in my bed exactly yeah that I have never said that before oh no no I was just saying like that's like I I thought it was me and ren were doing a pitch once a long time ago pitching a show and you got a routine down and some of it even was us messing with each other as like friends not doing the pitch part yeah it it was so odd Auto he's such a good actor though that it was like he could lead it and make it look believable for sure yeah I mean there's if you if you have a friend or a CO like this you definitely have like material and routines that kind of happen but I just you know some of the stuff that was is I always feel guilty about that and I feel weird like I feel bad for Kevin when like we like when we just did two bears and I told a story that I've told a million times and I was like [ __ ] this sucks for Kevin having listen to this [ __ ] again and the I don't care and the audience like this whole thing is go ahead I last night I was talking to two salespeople yeah and one of them was changing careers and they've been together for 14 years as a Duo and they were like the guy he was like like it sucks like my routine is gone I was like oh it happens in every industry we walk in every office say this he say that you see the guys at like Disney doing that like like they make dumb jokes about like on their little Cruise thing you know at Disney you said that aund thousand times you can hear it on like Cruise like not Cru like uh um tour guides that's it tour guide like speak where it's like and this no and then they make some pun about poop or something they don't fully say it dude I I was a a tour guide in Newport rede Island once if I could give you any advice it's do not ever trust a tour guy cuz my job is to entertain you I'm not telling you the truth like I'm just making up stories about places for sure wow I heard an NPR thing on that about how at graceand before the internet it was like whoever gave the tour of Grace was the expert but then they were just like like no no I heard of the tour gu probably very recent like H that's actually not true we were talking to somebody historian was on my boat like wrong was wrong we had some comic on guy what we had some comic on who I who was older and I was I can't remember who it was but we were talking about like his age being like a thing May or maybe we were talking about Dane Cook or something like that being older and it was like up until like recently you could just like lie about your age y and then eventually was like Wikipedia would tell you no like he's born in this age you know like I'm still 28 I'm 2 always lie about their age it's like that was that's a very recent change yeah you know you know that guy with no arms and no legs in the water Bob guys come on my thing is this whole this whole thing is couched in we're all just talking yeah yeah and when you repeat stuff it ruins the whole [ __ ] thing it's like yeah it's like it goes against the whole grain I remember saying early Seth Meers when he couldn't really get it's a late show for a new guy couldn't really get great guests and there was some [ __ ] dumb model telling a dumb [ __ ] story and this [ __ ] phony Hollywood piece of [ __ ] dude I don't care I've never met you but you know that show was [ __ ] garbage and he had to be like it's so great and it was like shut the unless you were trying to [ __ ] her shut up there's no reason to act like what she was saying was interesting yeah yeah yeah podcasting is definitely uh it's changed as it got more popular and it's gotten specialized you know we did it for four years before there was a [ __ ] single ad yeah yep we did too it was crazy so it was like we're just talking it was just fun and Outlaw yes and then it became a different thing I noticed it probably when we first moved to this office where we started getting guests who we weren't having a conversation anymore we were just like asking a question they were giving an answer asking a question they were giving an answer and I was like exactly kind of what you're saying where I was like oh I'm not interrogating you huh like I'm not interrogating you I'm trying to find out like some facts totally like we'd have to like find questions to fill the half hour and stuff like that and it was like like and all the things we wanted to talk about were always like blacklisted you know what I mean it's like don't talk about the divorce don't talk about this don't about that it's like at that point I'm like I'd rather just have the same seven guests in over over yeah right right I just talk to my buddies you really did realize where it's like oh this is this the new late night couch like it's not like it is all so transactional and so and which f you need to sell books let go yeah I was talking to Ryan long about when I ended my other one goes did you end your podcast and I'm like yeah he goes somebody told me did I said no way and I was like yeah he goes why I'm like became work and also we talked it over it was like it was built for a different time it was built for an audio only right the video is is a [ __ ] too yeah what the [ __ ] is a podcast explain to you it's internet radio it's slightly different it just lives on clips and video and now it's all different so it's like now you build a show right right right you it's it's a little TV show Almost it's a little TV show are you also it's like it's its own thing it's a TV shine but it's like yeah there really was it was just like I listened to this on my commute I listen to it at the gym now it's like you know edited all the NPR ones that come in the the This American Life music in the background to like take you through Segways bro I keep thinking I'm like I don't know why anybody would listen to this one when you can go listen to Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce and this this comedian and that actor it's like yeah they're going to have better stories than me I don't know High writers very produced uh uh uh like like sleuthing [ __ ] uncovering a [ __ ] long story yeah and I'm just like yeah I don't know yeah it's like an audio book all so much better than what any of us do yeah but but but that being said I still think like when when you Joe Shane and Mark get together it's people love that and that is like the old school [ __ ] you know also for Rog in particular I it's he knows it's good for him there was a moment that I always point to we're doing that and and good on him to have the guts I I texted him and sagora I said hey me and Shane and Norman are coming to do a spite show at skankfest Houston we're gonna sell tickets the day before um just to [ __ ] with Lewis spite show like yeah spite drives everything I do and uh we could fly to Austin for and drive to Houston would either you be interested in having us um Sor didn't respond and Rogan was like I want it like okay let's go um and so then Afters we got to do that again there was now you've done how many of those part save our parts 15 maybe 10 15 yeah something like that they're great good ones bad ones I've been drunk under the table I mean that picture of you pass out that was a big that was a big turning point for that yeah um my my my uh my uh someone I know who just graduated Michigan State um did [ __ ] you know Keys uh whatever you do when you pop open a can and whatever they're called shotguns shotguns yeah you don't know what shotgunning is I forgot the term long Co everything on Long Co anyway so we did that and then I brought that to to uh protect our Parks I was like let's do shotguns and then I was like Shane you know how to do these I'm not man enough he like yeah then then we start guzzling beer there was a moment where Rogan goes into some [ __ ] the anunaki or some dumb [ __ ] a thousand times that di would get so mad if somebody brought up yeah oh godamn and he started to and then Norman just goes and there was just a moment where he looked he could have made the decision either way yeah he could have been like hey man we're talking about aliens here but he but he goes all right that was boring and it was on and it was everybody's equal here we're just [ __ ] around no one's better than anybody we keep them in check have your dumb [ __ ] nerds on tomorrow you know not today Rogan not today oh it sucks when they're in the green room too like why' your nerd in The Green Room this for Comics only bro I don't want some [ __ ] scientist judging me get the [ __ ] out of here we're trying to make rape jokes and the an aliens guy is here High [ __ ] government official [ __ ] off some of them are cool when you see like a Tulsa G was like hey you're either going to get it or you're going to leave she go oh I get it yeah yeah yeah but but but yeah those are fun what do you think of uh by the way Aaron Rogers GNA be RFK is he gonna play well dude so you were yesterday are they hoping he gets injured again I like God damn he's just on the show on the list right like I but it's like the short list it was like Jessie Ventura and Aaron Rogers apparently have like he's been like RFK was like I've been on the phone with those guys like for months now listen RFK has no shot he's running as independent which it's over no and also might he might be like the stuts the the the independent thing he will probably have the most votes like almost ever as an independent is what how it's tracking and it's still not gonna like come close it's the voice you can't he's not can't he can't do that voice you're not going to ever be the president with that voice well Jews actually aren't susceptible to co whatever he he had some [ __ ] like that or Jews are less sus it's funny all those guys where they're like oh actually they're speaking the truth about certain things and then other things are like oh you're yeah but you know what is funny that that is a guy I've learned a couple like that he's a little bit Looney but there also are times where I'm like this is how like smear campaigns work you know what I mean like that's a good point he's not I'm only being presented a a misinterpretation of what he says if you look at a lot of his vaccine [ __ ] some of it it gets a little wacky but a lot of like but also how much right we saying how much do we really look into or how much is he just saying something off-handed you know what he does he [ __ ] I love how we were just like I don't want this nerd [ __ ] and now the three of us are breaking down no no no but the like the thing the thing about RFK was like he was saying a lot of [ __ ] that was just like I had like dozens and dozens of mothers coming up to me being like this [ __ ] happened to my kids so I started looking into it and then like a second later he was like cell phones give you brain cancer and it was like well now like everything goes out the window because you just said some wacky [ __ ] about 5G you should have you should have quit while you were ahead is that we don't really know like the flat earthers right that's the sign of a [ __ ] looney bin an idiot I can't prove to you that the world is not flat I can't prove to you anything yeah so I'm like I'm actually just taking the word of my teachers from fourth grade right that it is but that but there's just so many so many things like that well no actually also that's false I can prove it to you you will tell me that's not true like I can show you a picture of the Earth and you'll go oh well that's just a picture well I don't [ __ ] know like it's a picture the astronauts took this is round but it's flat this would be a picture of well I can show you a picture of being a sphere and still I can show you a video from outer space I guess not but they did that for the Holocaust too fin are those real is the Holocaust now real so yeah it's a slippery slope bro speaking of it's not out yet I don't know when it's going to be out because they stack Jack La of je jokes anymore now this just no our episode with two be two bears Bert has some Holocaust analogy yeah that went right over both of our heads and we just laughed along with it and I can't wait for it to come out cuz I I I have no [ __ ] clue what he was talking about he kind of I kind of got where he was afterwards we're talking about doing bench press and locking out your arms when you do it and he's like people who do locking out are like Holocaust deniers are like Holocaust deniers and we were like what and he's like it's like like the number is I forget I higher here's the problem but like he like the point is a lot of them were done or something like that I was like okay I guess so the problem with bird is he knows a little bit about stuff but he's also I guess I stupid the word dumb so his jokes are based on a Mis understanding of anything real also and then he's jumping off from that point that's podcasting though bro that's podcasting back when it was like I don't [ __ ] know and I don't really [ __ ] care if it's true or not ex oh I love when you're on Rog and he's like is that true I'm like said I'm like Jamie don't look that up [ __ ] you Jamie point was an interesting story yeah yeah yeah yeah don't you look that up J yeah I'm not trying to [ __ ] change Public Law right who was uh I forget what actress it was but someone had like you never ruin a good story with the truth always said about Diaz people like do you think that's true I'm like you're looking you're focusing on the wrong things things yeah totally totally never ruin a good story with the truth yeah I like that s on that note because that is that's that's that's the moral of of life right there um all right so the you be tripping is out when officially you'll be tripping is out Pro this Monday this will come out tomorrow this come out tomorrow yeah oh subscribe now you be tripping pot on YouTube and then you be tripping on the listenings you know what I do noway I go subscribe when people ask me to really so I'm GNA nice all right I'll do it too there's not an episode up yet but go ahead and pre- subscribe um who's the first episode Santino and then I'm doing two a week for the first month Norman is the next one Australia stino was the Sicilian Islands one place one hour pretty much one place one hour is a great tagline good job thanks and then uh and then I'm taping my special in Washington DC April 26th and 27th tickets are at AR shaffir docomomo world I got so many texts and I'm like God damn this is not it's so embarrassing because I can know a guy who would have leaned into that and really pushed it where instead of like it just came up have you ever done anything sweet like ah Maybe here's one one time and then but you're not and you stuck to being not and I like that yeah yeah I love I love the thought about super villain though becoming I thought about you and on these women are like oh my God what a what a heart what a heart thr what a beautiful man I'm like I have made someone throw away their new phone by putting an ass tampon on it that was kind of what we said you're going to come after me to go what a great guy you have no idea what an animal you're propping up I was like he he he rehydrated a cumrag and put it on his face I think some El like what the [ __ ] it amazing it's just Pro positive that the internet you know don't trust the internet you're a dog away from being a hero dog all right thanks for watching make sure you subscribe like and leave a comment below click that button or I'll cut off my finger

Channel: KFC Radio

Views: 28,789

Keywords: ari shaffir dmt on podcast joe rogan, ari shaffir drugs bert, ari shaffir interview, ari shaffir jew, ari shaffir joe rogan, ari shaffir special, ari shaffir stand up, ari shaffir this is not happening, ari shaffir tony hinchcliffe, ari shaffir you be trippin, barstool podcast, barstool sports, barstool sports podcast, barstool voicemail, comedy, feitelberg, feits barstool, kevin clancy, kfc, kfc barstool, kfc radio, kfc voicemail, radio, voicemail

Id: JoRrndh1CDI

Length: 86min 50sec (5210 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 15 2024