Are you obsessed and addicted to your lover? - Red flags - Benjamin Zulu

you joining me here now on said I have Benjamin Zulu somehow he decided to copy my dress code today she is on copy we're matching like red and black I don't know what's happening we've decided to blend with our couch today yeah I know it means we're gonna be talking very serious love matters get what I did there oh yeah I can't be Shady sometimes it's okay it's okay yeah yeah it's good to be light-hearted and find choose joy let me tell you that especially these days at times like this choose joy it is a choice actually anyway bad juju juju okay but anyway we want to talk about how you know you've found the one and of course this is you know something that everybody would discipline me see most people would desire for themselves and relationships don't always have to be about two red flags and you know run 100 miles per hour in the opposite direction and Taraka there are also good signs of relationships and of course very good things about relationships as well and so today we want to focus on the green lights as well maybe we should have worn green we should have won you know cuz we're not focusing on the red lights we want to focus on the green light next I'll take a look at we we love green oh I mean dressy okay we dress yellowish green alright so we want to talk about what are the different signs that you've actually found the one and how do you know for sure I'd love to hear from you guys especially if you're married or you're in a relationship leading to marriage how do you know like that that is the one what is the sign that has really stood out for you Benjamin you're married what was one of your science one of the things I want to bring out of the head is rich conversations mm-hmm when you when you have this rich conversations that just go on and on and time seems to fly and both of you are talking I don't understand how you know two hours are gone so rich good positions that are interesting Oh any topic yeah on any topic that's one green light yeah but they said it simply means we're connecting on many levels you you see the world from the same point there the other thing is the person doesn't feel new you feel like you've always known them for a long time yeah in fact your life seems to map on each other yeah you wonder how it's so similar and we didn't know each other you could even come from one up country I had a stove there whether you are country girl or your town girl you can find somebody group in town about country but you view the world so similarly how is this possible so that that that but I'm mapping so that you seem to view the word from the same point and you it's like you have known them for a very long time another thing is which is very important and which is often ignored the person allows you to have a life outside the relationship mm-hmm they allow you to have the life you had before you add your social life and they're happy to catch up with you after that the opposite is where they want to be always talking to this is a way they can allow you to have your own life which is very important the other sign is you have a strong connection when you don't talk for long you feel lovesick you miss them but the chemistry is not explosive Express explosive chemists is actually a bad sign oh yeah yeah if you take long you're talking and you feel panicky you start feeling you know and you feel you are Institute you can't even focus that's not a good sign you are obsessed with them okay obsession is a bad thing yeah it means this person is prohibited for you or they are taboo or they feel a silhouette or a shadow over parent you never head boy a parent / into abandoned you so you have a very strong connection to them which is more dictum than healthy whoa yes okay but before we even carry on with this Benjamin I wanted to dial it back just a little bit and even ask the question is there something like the one right because I feel like sometimes people look at relationships and feel like they have this list and it's it's mostly of physical attributes rather than qualities or values and so in some in some ways I feel like you almost miss out on a good relationship because you're so value you're so focused on the things and not the actual values not the actual principles meaning is it possible that there could be many the ones it's just as long as they follow with you know the values and the principles you hold and that you're compatible or is this this whole idea of that there's only this one person in the world for you of course when you're in love you feel that way and that's great but what do you say to that and I'm happy one thing I like about change this show is that just you have a depth of understanding you have hinted at something I would not have gotten into now your aunt think on that level well you are the barometer here and you're taking me deep and I like it linear and the people who can be a soul mate are many mm-hmm and I was asking that because I actually don't even agree with the idea of a soul mate because it's it's it speaks to me of someone who maybe you lost a spouse and you remarry it doesn't mean that you know you've disrespected the person you write like you've just found another person and people who can be your one yeah very number one is the vary according to how far you a developed yourself by the time you settled if you settle at level one you meet a person who agrees on that level if you had my to our dog grown in my walk with God in the same realization in your career there's another person who fit that level of personal development at the same time this idea of looking for that one is very childish it is and it makes it that it goes back to that obsession you are using thank you because you're just looking at things this Prince Charming and I am I know people have a list even Mays to have a list I love food in eco yeah but we take a break and you take a break you go to that list and you you you you think you find a supermarket of people to pick one okay soon you realize nobody was waiting for you nobody was expecting you nobody's paying your attention so you fold your list put it in the pocket and you have one new requirement who is really in trouble me man Zara we're gonna take a break guys and when we come back we want to talk about you're gonna continue this conversation on how you know you've found the one okay and what are some of the green lights is what you're talking about today but even this idea do you agree do you believe in this idea of the one and I mean I think when you find someone that you really care about you can see how they are the one for you in that moment but this idea of this seeking this one person who looks like this and has this as Benjamin here has said might be a little childish okay so we're going to be discussing even more of that when we get back from the break stay tuned hey guys welcome back to the show im here with Benjamin Zulu and we're talking about how to know you found the one but even so we're just clarifying this this phrase the one to say that we're not here telling you you know look for a soul mate because many of you can't even describe what that means and we continues talking over the break saying how really a lot of us miss the mark or miss the person that we're supposed to be with because we're looking at very superficial things we're focused on material things we're looking at their looks how much money they have in the bank account rather than their values and whether you're aligned to those whether your principles are aligned so that you're heading in the same direction because look you can be with the hottest guy on earth if you're not aligned you will always have problems in that relationship I'm happy to bring that up because we said there's several problems that belief about soulmate one is that childish expectation of things to happen easy and miraculous happening of things always romantic you know the we saw in a movie that wasn't show up from somewhere in the land okay like manna some of you even they have been given good conditions I want him to come in ready to try I think let us pray this Easter brings me coca-cola and Google is the one so a good mother also that you are famished so the problem is sometimes finding the one is an eeveelution John me you can't realize you know it's a bit I understand a bit it happened over time it was not assigned any margins like in a movie can you ask people to stop expecting movies are controlled by a script oh yeah we have a breaking news yeah these are not your life action so do not take the leg drop in like a movie this is real life there is no script yeah the other thing is sometimes it is you who needs to go absolutely to match up and and something like we say we like of it when you know you're what another green light is you you feel that you and the other person challenge each other from the time you started talking you believe yourself better you have better confidence you're trying new things you're seeing new possibilities yeah and it is two-way yes it's not one way when it is one way Joe is is intimidation yeah the day a person tells you I feel like I don't deserve you believe them we have told you that's a revelation in fact you should say Amen but when it's a green light when you realize you stretch each other and you trust this another thing that spontaneous generosity you know it's a green light when you share freely you don't even give it a thought and it is two-way thirty cool is at rest it is spontaneous generosity when you get something new first of all there are three layers for there to be spontaneous University you care for they make a sibling you know you just remember your sibling you share things with them yes that kind of sharing everything is a friend who you decide that friend the third level is the lover yeah because of that you feel like you share freely they can give you money any can give each other when you see something you remember them I saw in shock I saw this is you I thought of you I said never to view so that freeness is there another thing is this person are has outgrown control by by their family that is important whether the family is very healthy and happy or toxic and messed up everybody is to grow the controller their families so you need a person who looks like they I they are very independent this they have a relationship with their family but they are the ones making decisions for their life yeah this is a healthy thing when you ask him now that we come from different cultures you know people like Joyce how will your family responded to don't worry they weren't making choices yeah don't worry my family's allowed me to do what I need to do yeah that's like a dream flood a person or tells you who have I take home I've already prepared them they have already build that culture another thing is you need a person who is willing to let go if things don't work let go of what obviously soothing sweet but this is before marriage yes we are being malicious okay about whether to know okay whether to know the other one yes yeah when it is sitting mm-hmm no inside marriage let's flip that to me that you found the one inside marriage you know it's a green light when the person despite everything happening they are in here to stay interesting so before marriage this person needs to be ready to let go of the relationship they don't force you that's very powerful because too many people enter relationships damaged or coerced and then you're in the relationship and there's no way out so the chance that you had to leave you you missed it the boat left you like you now you're stuck on and I explained that sometimes people start talking when one of em is in another relationship and they are hoping because they know it's a toxic lurking one day you get free I've seen so many couples that they befriended each other long when they were indifferently or one was dating but they knew it is not working this one was patient knowing I know that won't go anywhere we are friends should you become available I'm available we leave we don't so that freeness should be there I don't think people came to saying we have been through friends for a year or so and I was there and you never showed any insecurities we are very you know that's the one you trust because they did not tell you leave that guy they supported you in your struggles and the back of maintaining we can be a good pair but I won't suggest it and I wanted to involve if you're available that would be so while outside here they don't force things okay while inside they never used the word I'll quit they never is the word divorce then it was my just quitting even during the fiercest problem yeah they tell you any quitting is never in their mind that's the right puzzle it's not in the mind to live it's not in the mind it's you see you mentioned something very important that we are not promised is a painting like we don't get into marriage hoping for flowers and red carpet we don't get that yes sickness poverty you know and this opossum who you know they got your back yeah octopi you try to go to back you know this person is there you have the right person when they're telling you go try what you need to try go the direction you need to go they don't try to hold you back so you know you have a dream it's a green light when the person is that's asking you to express other sides of yourself yeah yeah amazing Wow I want to get to some comments here someone here says hey Jase I'm IV film from kambou I have known a boy for a month now and we just talked over the phone I feel like he is the one we have rich conversations and the best love I think we are looking forward on meeting after this pandemic could he be the one I've been looking for yeah if you are seeing all the green lights only that's what ladies not to suggest it if you suggest it you love taking leadership yeah and you'll be in charge of taking the driving relationship forward and let me ask you Benjamin because a lot of us kind of get we don't understand like when is it infatuation when is it lust when is it like real love because this is it's still a young relationship is really a month they've not met they've been talking on the phone but you and I know we put our best foot on the phone right like when no one is watching like not to discourage the relationship but just to your point about also just being cautious as you approach the late there is another point you may after in a healthy relationship things flow naturally they are not rushed so this lady could be hoping that it is the one but want to ask them let things take their natural course yeah it is too soon if you have never met physically you can omit physically and the chemistry is not as strong as it was connecting you a funny thing about a phone that probably the phone is that you talked early to my ear mmm yeah and I'm talking that little yeah yeah yeah and we can chat from bedroom you can chat at night you can shot this a lot of the phone can bring a lot of icing a lot of icing or doing the directed elements and you're putting a best voice it's all these you've written but then you erased to rewrite you know you can't do that in a real community so there's a lot that is controlled there's a lot that is to control dampen I'm asking not to go slow yeah you did you a hope yeah just be careful okay but to maintain mint because you also don't know that that person is only chatting with you you're not just telling your honesty you're not testing and then your list which was not being tested by distance means and again if it is calm it probably overhead a lot of time to talk so maintaining your hope but we see while you're hoping for the best prepare so for the worst you should also add up on the back of the main if it turns out not to be anything yeah it also then tells me and this is especially to ladies because I feel like sometimes are the ones who are too quick to sort of throw out that term go slow like you don't need to don't just give that term like the one for me to anybody and don't don't give it out so quickly we're not tired usually our darling sweetheart good time I laugh he doesn't click how will you step back he might be short ladies one guys were taller than them a little war what if you meet him and the pictures at exaggerated it you know photos I've no way of showing you real height unless you ask them stand up there know exactly I'll then take a full photos that I see I know those are six feet I want to check how tall you might be many but it takes a selfie they're going to be full on the camera I can tell okay I have another IV this time from chuka saying nowadays finding the one has become difficult those you think are the ones you later realize they are narcissists oh dear okay um someone he is saying can a woman approached a man and tell him that she loves him I am with someone but I don't know how to go about it to let him know after you approach him what do you next think ahead you see the problem in that language you'll have taken initiative so what do you do next after that the best a woman can do is be a very boring talk you can actually communicate indirectly that you like a man mm-hmm if you compliment my dress senior I like they were you looking at I feel like and I'm likely to pursue you I like you back let the man take leadership encourage you but don't don't take the steering wheel you find yourself not not the one being pursued but the one pursuing yeah and I know we're in this age where you know people say where women can do is to G everything a man can and blah blah blah but I'm just not that babe does another guy how will you yeah it it always and I think I'm just not that babe I'm a very traditional girl and I think it's always because it's always going to come back and hurt that relationship by the way you say that you know men are wired a certain way and women are wired aside yeah it's okay to like a guy but don't take leadership with the relationship you tell em hey I love you mysteries on it's men who propose not women who propose okay okay okay hi ever see someone here saying I've been in a relationship for four years and the guy really loves me I'm in university but he is a forum for lever and I'm wondering if we can get married or should I look for someone who has also gone to university it's so funny I want to ask a tree check the following we are not saying universities the only developer of the mind but the exposure your Veda University and the stretch can bring a lot of yearning difference in your thinking capacities that man he has continued educating himself in other ways maybe has gone to business as he does hard working he has developed his mind that's okay but if he has not developed his mind he went to mini on things that don't stretch his mind oh it doesn't like climbing they will be difference in your thinking so go check the following does he tell you I feel like I don't deserve you or does he feel intimidated by your Lonnie watch a collector with a classic you stop 14 books every day is because I'm not gonna domestic high looking down upon me if you here language there is insecurity run but if he is very comfortable being challenged you can think on the same level that's a good guy it's about intellectual connection and university education exposed you and stretch to a mind yeah ensure there is no difference in your thinking yeah Wow okay all right so on here says hey trace this conversation about is he the one is making me sit on the edge of my couch with a hunger to learn more great insights over there that's Karthik come out watching from Eldoret another says hey Joyce I love the topic I knew he was the one when I started feeling at peace with him when SMI tell Benjamin I love him with the love of Christ I love you right back with the love of Christ let me listen let's measure on something about instinct yeah and there's a feeling at peace yes please ensure you about peaceful feeling about the possible if you have a gut feeling that I'm at peace with you that's a very good sign mm-hm an inner peace the opposite is and knowing doubt a hanging and though that won't go away please don't ignore it yeah so it's very good to feel the peace inside Wow that's very important okay okay mmm just say mine and ooh here here says sequester relationship nica's yam Django okay okay kiddo go numb BOC Kuchiki fresh I can't with you people oh my gosh idyllic as young Django gonna go stick with acacia boy Jim go you work for that day yeah Rudy and that that's one sign that you are not the right person surely you want security hey you want a pass on home and also recognizes your humaneness another green light exam even without the romance this person is a good friend you need to date a person who even if you are not dating you like them as friend so let's emphasize that treasure in a Casio jungle Wow okay let me get to some more here stuff Stesha moogle asking what's the best age margin between you and your fiancee don't talk about tears talk about whether you can think on the show maturity why you think on the same level a new flow yes are very little to do with this okay and remember some of these people asking should remember this midlife dating some people something happened they were we told them to date again so check I pass on whom you have you have you can connect you am I joined the same level you can think on the same level yeah okay Wow okay so I have quite a few sms's now to go through so let me try and speed through these anyone tjuku also on facebook says she's watching from gong she loves the show and it's really helping her I she wants more time for the show wait add that to ours died early but thank you say it's very educative Massey or girl up says I have a quiz for Benjamin there are two guys who are pursuing me and they both seem to care how would I differentiate them first of all take time to know each you came to realize they're not the same and then check the green lights we have given you yeah listen to your instinctive gray yeah yeah yeah so in fact sometimes differentiating between two people sometimes it's all about him they could be good both of them but big one would seems to your values you seem to agree more your Club Grimm oh yeah yeah okay someone here saying hey Joyce we had all the green lights you've mentioned then from nowhere the guy said we should take it easy we no longer talk as we did please advise yeah we should act let's say that just because you have the green lights does not mean that a person has committed maybe they want to be yeah they are the perfect match for you but they don't feel like that there yet oh they are convinced between you and another old something yeah so it does not mean they're not valid they were manly and it tells you you have value you are worthy you ready to be married continue hoping and interacting you meet another yeah and it's better when a person checks checks out out here and when you go inside the marriage then they start withdrawing emotionally yeah yeah Wow okay so hey Joyce I mean say hi to Benjamin hi I'm in a relationship with this guy who claims to love me yet haja whining no no Leah any gift though I'm stable financially but I think the guy is a stingy type I send my generosity how can a man say he loves you it doesn't give you anything that's a contradiction okay generosity is the first agreement okay that you should be receiving and giving it together okay Mary from gong says I have these issues with my husband since we were dating I think he loves lying to me and going forward to talk about our issues with our friends instead of me or my friends instead of marrying issues out there with the friends the thing we are saying is with her friends even even his that's tear that's disrespect if somebody lies to you that's I'll try to disrespect yeah number two you need to realize that even if you cannot get love you may not control much people love you but you should you refuse to be disrespected insist on being respected have candid conversation about that and don't be too afraid to have difficult conversations yeah yeah yeah I'm trying to find there's a specific SMS I was trying to find there's still so many here can I get that time stamp again Carol okay okay let me just refresh this really quickly okay so let's end it here I think just because I do need to wrap up the show but someone here saying hey Joyce I'm 22 22 years old and I'm married to a 27 year old guy actually I always thank God for him we have an 8 month old daughter and the funniest thing is I'm the one who pushed him into sex due to college pressure though I was a virgin but I always thank God because he was always there for me even after getting pregnant and our parents agreed that we move in so we're happy and that's I guess their encouragement at this point okay okay so I think maybe we can sum up this conversation unfortunately I want to be able to get through all of these sms's today but I think we can just sum this up by saying you've mentioned pointers like of conversation right very but we've always known this person and you're rushing natural flow don't feel rushed things like sex getting to know each other should come at the right time and respecting of values yeah you want only six inside the marriage that's really wonderful let's do that another thing issue there feels like you've known them for a long time yeah they have already outgrown control by family yeah and you feel like it's like your friend your brother your lover those layers are very important yeah very good so my social media is Benjamin Zulu ke that's Facebook page better misirlou ke g Gmail Benjamin's ulu ke at gmail Twitter Instagram Benjamin Zulu ke a massive our Twitter party habit Twitter thanks van Gerven for coming through with that said though guys we need to wrap up that conversation thank you to all of you for your feedback and your comments there unfortunately we weren't able to get through as many of them we'll see if we can have another one of these sessions specifically talking about finding the one and more so the green lights in a relationship but that said though we need to take a break Dennis is here ready to work out and we're gonna be of course weighing him as well we need to figure out how much progress he's made since last time our fingers are crossed and we're really hoping for the best for him and you guys can continue sending in your encouragement to him double to triple nine as the SMS line I'll see you after this [Music]

Channel: Switch TV

Views: 80,092

Rating: 4.910006 out of 5

Keywords: Switch TV, Switch TV Kenya

Id: C5nvoPlUAkU

Length: 27min 46sec (1666 seconds)

Published: Thu May 21 2020