Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Tom Segura!

gang the middle class famous store is about to kick in the high gear baby we're talking about a fun time mix of stand-up comedy play a little ayg with the crowd great way to introduce new people to the show so grab your best gal grab your best guy grab the bozos grab the homies come on out and see the gang oh yeah we're going to be in red bank new jersey seattle portland kansas city springfield st louis nashville but then we're going to indianapolis and also this friday the week you're hearing this june 17th we're doing an ayg and friends show in new york city stand-up showcase ticket links are in the description get em we'll see you there peace welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts kevin ryan and h foley hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast this is are you garbage it's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy yeah they're just a big old piece of trash i'm your host states foley coming at you on a beautiful day we're down here at antoni's basement she got picked up last night yeah grand theft auto yikes stole a city bus what are you gonna do so we'll see her in about six weeks pending on good behavior my co-host is coming at you from right next to me he is the ceo of ru garbage a bit of an international businessman himself he's the prince of park avenue but always the king of the boardwalk give it up for kippy kevin james ryan hey gang thanks for tuning in as always please make sure you rate view subscribe on itunes full video available on youtube as you know those numbers are true cooking then the greatest website of all time www.patreon.com are you garbage check it the [ __ ] out love that money and having a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire the magic man makes us all look good give it up for t-bone mcmuffin toby mcmullen ladies and gentlemen what's up dudes we got a hot one dude it's a historic day it's our first [ __ ] race car driver dog let's go this is a big [ __ ] dale junior in here look at him old smokey i like it gang we couldn't be more excited and i mean could not be more excited to have our incredibly and i mean [ __ ] incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time he is a behemoth a monster stand-up comedian podcaster and now author and let's not forget multi-millionaire i'll tell you that right now kids got a little bit of [ __ ] quiche on them he has multiple stand-up specials out including thrilled white girls with cornrows completely normal mostly stories disgraceful in 2020's bull hog of course he is the co-host of your mom's house two bears one cave and of course he is the owner operator of ymh studios down here in austin texas let's cut the [ __ ] he's one of the biggest one of the [ __ ] baddest he's the boss of bosses the capo de capo how hefty they have these ladies and gentlemen do me a favor give it up for tom cigar thank you man thank you guys very much thank you very much quite an introduction i know well he loves the intros that's a nice intro man that's how it goes feels good thanks for coming thank you for coming i'm very excited to be here man give us a scoop what's the best he said that kind of like a psychopath i am i'm excited [ __ ] anton sugars jesus christ i am peanuts this is fun dude i like hanging out with comics it's always yeah it's the best uh what's the back story on tom segura give us the origin where'd you grow up give us the whole deets okay there's there's a lot of moving parts first of all you know my dad was a a a white american dude and he married a peruvian woman okay so he went down there was like i like this [ __ ] he took it back yeah um old school he wrapped this one up yeah yeah get this kid off i'll wear this one out get her off that [ __ ] donkey and bring her over here so he can put down the pineapple you just come with me no english dude i'm like like what the [ __ ] man like at first sight he saw those [ __ ] and he was like i am in so he um yeah they so let's see they i was born in cincinnati okay um i lived there for the first nine years in a suburb of cincinnati called fairfield what'd your dad do he so he was working for a company called byron jackson with which sold like uh pipes i think that sounds like an old baseball player yeah and a hell of a relief pitcher that buy it quit that job okay to start at like entry level merrill lynch broker all right um but like in that that was 19 like 76 or five and it's like you make 18 grand a year it's like you know you gotta really hustle yeah but he worked he stayed with them for 40 years so he uh company man moved on up and he went from brokerage to management and that's why we moved a lot so i moved when i was nine we moved to a suburb of minneapolis called plymouth okay because he became the sales manager of that office okay three years later two years later we moved to milwaukee he became the manager of the milwaukee branch okay then we stayed there from uh let's see we moved there when i was 11 we left and i was halfway through my freshman year in high school my dad would not let me we would not move the family until football season was over he's like you cannot quit on the team that's crazy i'm a [ __ ] freshman in high school dude so like yeah he was like this is like a war announcement you will not abandon the [ __ ] troops go out there and do your workouts and shut up we went one and nine anyway yeah the season ended and then he allowed the family freshman football freshman football jesus christ he's like you can't quit on the phone he's a man of honor yeah so we moved to vero beach florida from there okay and that's what halfway through my freshman year in high school and then they stayed there i finished high school there um and then um you were the new kid rolling in yeah that was the shittiest move oh that happened because that's midway through freshman year in high school you feel like you're established everything is like you're supposed to everything and you got to start over again that one sucked the most everybody thought you were a narc probably not kidding also this [ __ ] face is kind of police like sure like his dad was an fbi agent i got it in the [ __ ] here bald you got a full beard i did i had a beard and everyone later told me they're like when you would say like where like where are you the party like there's no point i don't know what you're talking about you're walking around in a sport coat yeah they're like we thought you were like 23. i was 14. i mean i did i had facial hair i was a pretty big kid sure so they're like there's no way this kid's freshman yeah also you don't really have a backstory you were constantly moving like where'd you come from i was in uh you know minneapolis my mom's peruvian sure blue eyes sir sure whitest guy here yeah for sure so then i went to uh i don't know i went to college in north carolina a small school called lenoir-rhyne really small the only school i got into play sports no okay um i uh i graduated from there what'd you major in communications uh it's like i just yeah don't want a major check mark i manage the radio station for a year there you go that's pretty good um what would you get on your sats if you don't mind me asking a 10 30. solid solid four digits is all right yeah that's not bad it's all right um for our crowd that's pretty good then by the way that was like no no trying sure so i was like i gotta try so i did the study and everything i went back and i got like a nine six i'll take you 10 30. that's like take an std test yes yeah you know the answer you want and you get out of there [ __ ] i left uh so i graduate i go to work uh in real estate my buddy is renting apartments in boston it is a [ __ ] racket i did not know that this is how it works so in boston what happens is at the time there's 61 colleges and universities so there's a constant housing need that never ends right because the students and also just you know it's a major city so all the the apartments have you know list their places they call a real estate office and they go you know here's here's what's available you as a realtor as long as you pass the test you take me to show me the the place and then every single place had the same rule you play first month first last and then equivalent to one month to the realtor and then i get half of that with the office so i'm out of i'm i'm just out of college and i don't know anything about boston so everyone is like what's this neighborhood like i'd be like i love it yeah totally not racist yeah they said charlestown you can't they would tell you things like robin banks you can't say um uh this is a safe neighborhood you have to say i feel safe here yeah whoa they're like it's twelve o'clock on a tuesday yeah like i feel safe come back at two in the morning on a friday see how safe you feel but it was the here's the thing how did how was it boston though your buddy so my buddy his family was from there and they had this this real estate connection damn so he brings me up and i hang out and like i'm there seven eight weeks and i'm making like thousands of dollars a week right out of college that's crazy but i'm like i can i could just feel that i don't want to do this like even though i know i'll make six figures immediately doing this i'm like i don't want to do this i don't want to be a realtor i just don't so i leave there and i go work for america's most wanted in uh i have heard this yes in uh dc what tracking down cases what are you doing yes no you're not well i'm the i'm the researcher of one of the lead research people so what happens is did you meet john walsh yeah that's how you got the job oh what you get him up in a bar all the time yeah i ran into john walsh uh when i was in college his daughter was taking a tour of the school i was at and i went up to him and i was like i'm from the same area and all this and he was like you got you know he's i was like i do communications he was like if you want an internship call this number damn and so i called and i got the internship and that was while i was in college when i graduated they were like you can come work now for the actual show i was working for a side show called final justice and sweeps week i was producing i was producing the show in college and for free so they're like this kid hustles so when i go back they're like they basically they need stories to pursue so i'm like look this guy he [ __ ] raped a bunch of people he's on the run like let's go get him you're making [ __ ] up yeah i'm just like and i'm reading dude i'm reading like the most disturbing just [ __ ] warping your brain it's [ __ ] i mean like i like crime shows and like all those biography shows about but it's [ __ ] up at one point i think this is in the book that i that that is coming out that um they gave me you know they give you like different case profiles right and and then you dig deeper and then if one is really good then i'll i'll call the fbi and be like you know what do you what do you have about him [ __ ] and they sent me a diary of a pedophile so it's his personal diary of what he's doing and you just like at the end of the day he's like hey i'm just trying to book him on the show i don't want his life story yeah and then i go to the story editor and i go you know i lay out basically here's the crime here's the guy here's what he did here's why he's a you know he's a fugitive because they want to pursue people and then they were like yeah we you know they accepted it and they go um i go he escaped a lot of the guys especially like um sex criminals they'll go to certain countries where you can basically it's easier to perform sex crimes but also to skip out on on the justice system so he had escaped or bribed somebody in like costa rica so that i was like that's right and then they sent me down there what yeah so i do i i go do the episode i'm on an episode uh you see me like you know they give you any heat to go down here they gave me no they gave me i'm just an intern yeah they gave me a clipboard gave me a guide and a producer and a cameraman and you want to be on tv here's how [ __ ] bad i was at it though like i mean like how i'm you know they didn't send you down to find the guy did they no but to do the story right so they sent me with a producer i'm one of the like associate producer plus i speak spanish so i'm like translating boots on the ground yeah there you go and we're sitting there and they're like um you know i meet this person and then i meet a girl who was like who had been abused and i'm sitting here interviewing her for the show camera's over here i'm translating and dude as she's telling me her story i start crying but like she's not crying right she's like it happened to me [ __ ] and i'm like i'm like and i and i'm like trying to stop and then i just look at her i'm like yeah i can't stop like i just keep crying and then like one of the camera guys is like this probably not your gig yeah i don't think i have to go back to [ __ ] being a realtor he's like i'm like so i do that job for a few months i again i'm you know my first day on that job by the way my first day on america's most wanted as a as a full employee is september 10 2001. in dc so i'm the like my next my second day of going to work is 9 11 right and like and and so then our whole my whole show becomes like profiling we we just profiled bin laden every day still looking for him yeah and i'm like at the white house you know what because we're doing pressers from like you know whatever they talk all they would talk about is terrorism so then they would send our crew to the white house so i would just be sitting on the lawn you know that west wing long just out there calling friends like i'm at the [ __ ] white house and then people would be like you know they can hear you right i was like yeah like i'm just like yeah dude this place is [ __ ] awesome where are you guys drinking that this guy's a cop i don't trust him did boomer ever get that weed what's the deal [Laughter] gang by the way the book is called i'd like to play alone please you have to [ __ ] check it out fantastic please do you can get an audio book if you like to you know listen to them ebook hard book whatever um but i do that for a few months and i have the same feeling as like the real estate thing where i'm like you know i don't want to do this [ __ ] right and it's like immediately after september 10th first day and the they gave me a three-month contract they offered me a re-up they're like you want to do like a year contract and i'm like no and i just i load up a truck and i drive to la then i joined the ceo comedy yeah you were like already dead set had not yet not no i've never done st i'd hosted a couple of things where i'm like feels like you're doing stand-up i hosted a talent show i'd done like improv you know like high school bits on america and then communications like in college they would do the [ __ ] lamest videos right because you had to shoot and edit in your videos well i would always do comedy videos right like i was trying to make comedy videos and you know my professor was like what the [ __ ] is that right he said people are doing like [ __ ] that like you'd find like a local like a videographer for like a wedding would do sure and i was just like what if you froze your diarrhea so here's a compilation of car crashes he's like the [ __ ] is this i was like it's funny right he was like i got this guy in costa rica you got to have a mom so i moved there uh january 2nd of 2002 i moved to la and then i a few months later i signed up for the groundlings which is like the improv show yeah and i cause i thought i was going to do that i thought i was going to be like a comedy actor and then there's stand-ups in my class sam tripoli was in that class with me nick wegener he's a writer now and they were both doing stand-up at the time and they were like you should try stand up yeah damn that's kind of like what'd you do on 911 they give you a half day they send you home what happened it was the longest it was the longest [ __ ] day because i remember i was putting my i was tying my shoes i was i i rented a room at a house in college park maryland okay right which is like outside like 30 minutes outside yeah dc and i'm tying my shoe i remember and they had they happen to have like good morning america or what one of those locals on and it showed uh the got like the smoke coming out i still remember it was like brian gumbel or someone being like they still thought it was like a cessna they're like oh a cessna hit the thing and as i'm putting on the other shoe the uh second plane and i get in the yeah i get in the my my truck and i'm driving into dc and all the radio stations are like we're under attack and i'm like we're not under what the [ __ ] is he even talking about and then they're like the pentagon got hit i'm like i'm in the middle of the driver and then we go in there and like uh it was here's the thing i worked at fox studios local fox affiliate on wisconsin ave in dc so when you're in a new state like if you think if you're home watching tv that day that's a lot there are 100 tvs that have all the feeds so all you hear is every feed and every screen and we stayed there until like 11 o'clock at night so at the end of the day everybody was just like gee it was yeah that's a lot to take in it was a lot of me being there like in dc it was like damn damn that's [ __ ] wild it was a wild day yeah man from that to the groundlings let's yuck it up guys holy [ __ ] that's [ __ ] crazy uh brothers and sisters what was the story two sisters one's i'm the middle so okay younger yeah what were the family vacations like um they your dad started doing well right i mean it it i remember all the transitions all the level ups i remember the level ups yeah i mean like you know i remember that you know it would be fast food it was kmart it was you know like like buying a new car or whatever whatever yeah but i remember like it was it was it was you know you would be in a a certain socio-economic group for for a while you know a few years i mean we had like you know for then it was like minivans and like like 16-hour drives you know to like orlando jeez and that was the vacation you would drive from like minneapolis down there yes it was all [ __ ] yeah they never [ __ ] flew i mean did your mom drive or did your dad have to bite that bullet no really that woman is peruvian dude no she won't drive on the highway still she's like the highway scares me it moves too fast yeah she drives like on side streets and then she's like will you get me a car i'm like for what she also is like always asking for like the newest laptop i'm like you play bridge like just use a [ __ ] dell and she was like you know she's like i want the new macbook air and i'm like why it flexible so much capacity no i get of course like she guilts me into getting it for her i got her a [ __ ] mercedes get her don't get her an old game boy i got her mercedes three months ago nice and she calls me and she's like the problem is it's too high it's like it's an suv yeah that's how they make and she's like uh i got a low rider she's like i need to ask if they can put the climbing device on a ladder like what are you talking about and she's like maybe i switch it for another one i go that's on you i'm done i'm out you you switch it for another car holy [ __ ] yeah that's [ __ ] wild man did she she didn't work growing up no okay uh there was a period where she was doing like volunteer stuff at a school and she would always because she you know that like her english got better over time she would always do things that like if they needed a bilingual person you know like yeah because we built in some like some of these cities where you you know nobody you didn't know anybody that did so they were like we need a guy there's this guy at the hospital doesn't know how to tell the doctors what's going on gotcha could your dad speak spanish [ __ ] no she couldn't so she taught the gir your sisters they spoke spanish too well what happened was she just like when she got to the like when they married i'm like what kind of relationship did you guys have she knew how to say like 11 words and they're like we had god you know like they're both catholic so they um they would just i mean i just i didn't understand like how how the [ __ ] this happened so as a kid when she was like at home talking to us meaning the three kids uh-huh she would just speak in spanish spanish always whether it's like to clean your room or it's time to eat or you're late for school or it was just all spanish spanish spanish and then we would usually reply in english right so it was like right all right but to my dad you know she spoke never learned spanish he knew like [ __ ] nine words like he'd be like tango i'm break and one time i go i go hombre i go you didn't i have hunger right i didn't learn any like cool [ __ ] and then this is like right before he died he died like in december this is probably like in october september so he's never said this to me i'm like you never like she never taught you anything and like she's sitting next to him and he's like well there is one and i go what and he said which is my lit my mouth drops open for your [ __ ] and i was like how about where's the beach that's what you [ __ ] that's the only that's great i go you only why'd you hold on to that well now you know how the relationships were you knew what the [ __ ] was going on yeah holy [ __ ] gang this podcast is sponsored by better help let me tell you something burnout is a real thing oh yeah you're feeling fatigued lay off the h and get a haircut will you gang if you need to talk some things out you want to reach out to better help because they honestly can help yeah uh symptoms of burnout can include lack of motivation feeling helpless trap detachment fatigue the whole nine yards if you got it you know talk to someone it is a game changer yeah uh better health is customized online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to uh it's much more affordable than in-person therapy can be matched with a therapist under 48 hours are you garbage listeners get 10 off their first month at betterhealth.com garbage that's betterhelp h-e-l-p-com garbage do it yeah let's talk about ladder ladder let's talk about ladder let's talk about not leaving your family holding the bag like i'm probably gonna do yourself a favor gang get yourself a little term life insurance and go over to the lateral straightening out no doctors no needles no nothing you got the rising 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name of the street that you grew up on what was the name of that street in minneapolis yeah [ __ ] do you remember any of them you grew up on uh i do remember walther drive that's pretty classy that sounds alright sounds like no that was not a wealthy one though no there was um the nicest house actually the house had i thought i thought we were [ __ ] cooking i mean i thought we were like ceo was in milwaukee okay and i think it had oak in the address that's good and it's nice here's the thing this is wild okay it had a tennis court the house yeah damn that is kind of cute that's ceo i know so you turn onto the street and i'm like oh [ __ ] and this is what happened like i go and people used to drop me off they're like is this the neighborhood's tennis court i'd be like no shit's alright did anybody play tennis in the family yeah everybody started playing oh yeah yeah get the [ __ ] outdoors and then like and then like skateboarders would try to come by because of the you know like the the surface i'd use a pellet gun and shoot them from [ __ ] crazy talk about new money i like that uh but get them long hairs i'll get that get out of here you [ __ ] hippie a couple of warning shots over the net and my dad really hated hippies so it was like it was great he was in vietnam oh of course really yeah yeah yeah yeah he's a marine he [ __ ] just yeah he really he's hippie um the thrill of killing the enemy and and he would be like he wouldn't tell me about it for years he was in combat yeah he was in combat god damn yeah he led a platoon of 70. jesus he's a lieutenant that's in the [ __ ] baby [ __ ] and so for years years i would be like because you know your dad's in a war you're like what was it like in war and he would be like yeah you know and and they never like talk those dudes never like they don't i think he also was like he kept my mother you know they had like a more traditional relationship where like you know what i mean like you don't like you don't talk a certain way around you're like sure certain people have that gentleman yeah yeah more gentlemanly around my mom and like you know you talk talk with the guys like this and when we were young he would also also protect us from you know saying crazy but then like i turned 30 and i'm like really yeah i just start keep talking about war and then one day i'm i'm probably like late 30s i'm like so like what's it like though like you know like in combat like like shooting the enemy especially there at that time was [ __ ] probably dice yeah and he goes way better than the best [ __ ] you've ever had he passed above he passed the baby in spanish you call it getting some you hear it like in movies yeah get something he's like did you get some and then he's like when you got some he was like it was a sense of euphoria and you just you know i would i would ask the guys would you rather would you rather go get a blow job right now or or blow these uh you know these guys i don't know don't be cut i have an uncle yeah and they'd be like we want to get some lieutenant like he was like and then you just see him like [ __ ] damn i mean they you know you get trained of course they did so you know it's a it's like a foreign of course my dad was in the navy and he was in alaska and he volunteered to go to vietnam he was in country on like a pbr base and he never he wasn't in like the [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah like your pop was but he was it was dicey never said a [ __ ] word to us about it ever yeah just every once in a while when he would be watching us at the house and my mom would be at work you would turn all the lights off in the house turn all the flood lights on and make us sit in front of the picture window and look out are you being serious yeah how crazy is that dude just every once in a while yeah they're all night watch i think i think his biggest thing was when he imagine those sleepovers buddy dude he got there in 1971 and there was like a bunch of people there there was like a bunch of navy guys a bunch of airborne uh people across like the delta or whatever but by the time he left the last couple months he was there it was like him and like 15 americans and the rest were all south vietnamese and they were they were coming so it was like i think it was a worry of every night that's intense dude you know the saddest part the saddest part i think for my dad though for like because he tells you to tell these stories and a lot of times they would be like just really intense and sometimes they're really funny is that at like towards the end of his life like he would start to talk about how much it emotionally affected him and i was like he thought that like therapy was only for like yeah christie's are just crazy people yeah and those dudes put a cap on that [ __ ] and 25 years ago one of his friends who was a guy he met who was in now at the same time same rank as my dad in the marine corps it was like you know i love therapy and he's like yeah but your dad won't he won't do it and i was like damn i wish they i wish that i know man you know like just to go get that off yeah i think they're so deep and it's so scarring and their generation was so not used to it just to even open that can yes [ __ ] yeah they can't even start yeah did your dad smoke no no really no picture like a zippo later a couple of [ __ ] reds no and uh born to kill on his helmet he really really despised uh marijuana really he had like multiple stories about um because a lot of the troops you know dudes being [ __ ] up falling asleep on watching [ __ ] like that and guys he um he told me a story of multiple stories about uh viet cong or somebody trying to sell his marines marijuana and like picking them up by their throat and like putting their m16 in their face and i'm like buddy she's a little reefer calm down he made he made his marines piss on like a big bag of it one time he's like that's what i think about marijuana i was like all right all right cool i had your stash up in the room real well were you smoking doobies in high school yeah yikes yeah yeah yeah he would have freaked out he would have freaked out and i remember one time you ever do one of these i go out on a friday night and and get in late right and i'm driving my like one of my parents it was a toyota 4runner i remember specifically and i remember you know i go to bed and i'm gonna sleep in probably until like 11 or something did i'm in a dead sleep and at like seven o'clock in the morning i shoot up i was like and i run downstairs i'm in boxers i'm just wearing boxers like what i sleep in and my dad's on the couch just watching tv he's just like getting like you know breakfast going like new stuff and he's like hey i go hey and i just walk outside i open the door to the forerunner and on the center console i left the pipe like a pipe with weed in it and i'm like at first i don't know how i left it or how i remembered then i i grab it and i go inside he's like what are you doing now you to explain what you just did and i just said like some dumb [ __ ] i was like i just you know making sure the grass was the water lights were on that thing i thought i saw some hippies on the tennis court dad i was going to shoot him i got him don't you worry it was a level of panic i those old schoolers was tough to get away with anything on yeah they knew exactly what you were doing sure you are all right sure buddy you know you got a 45 to your head i'm 16 of your [ __ ] mr sakura what the [ __ ] everybody was scared put a [ __ ] knife in his mouth cut his balls off and stuck him in his mouth you kids want some pizza that's crazy yeah i wonder you were scared terrified holy [ __ ] that's [ __ ] up god damn what was the grocery store that your mom would go to maybe down in florida since you publix publix yeah all right yeah respectable not too good not too bad yeah what was the high school mascot pirates that's all right that's fun yeah yeah it's not classy but yeah is actually pretty tragic the morning yeah it's kind of trashy and um in home in milwaukee it was the school was called homestead i think it was the highlanders but i don't remember that's that's pretty sweet that's good sir can you google it it's highland homestead high school in mequon wisconsin i think so they um they were like they were very they were good like yeah they won state and a bunch of different things did you play sports in high school yeah you did play football football and basketball yeah did your dad play football in high school yeah that's why yeah football guy yeah imagine he was probably pretty physically he was a three-time uh state champion olympic weightlifter whoa yeah yeah and you're out smoking doobies with your good time [ __ ] including fourth in the nation at 14. god so he was like a little freak you know i'd be [ __ ] petrified of this man and you know how he would um so when i wanted to get into weightlifting i'm like oh my dad like all we had was trophies and everything from all his wins and i was like uh you know i go to do like a power clean and he was like no and i was like okay he goes do it like this and then he just he did it sure and he was like do it like that i go that's not like coaching yeah it's not how it works like you can't just be like what you need to do without being a [ __ ] that's me you know yeah and then he just like walked away i was like that's the lesson all right yeah dog angus the highlander homestead high school in wisconsin okay highlander okay so highlanders and then the booty pirates in the booty pirates that sounds like an uncle luke song the booty pirates everybody's twerking uh did you drink milk with dinner growing up no i hate milk what yeah i hate get this guy out of here yeah well i it made me [ __ ] i mean i used to drink it with cereal obviously sure normal times to drink milk not with the [ __ ] are you lacking some tolerance no no but it kind of just makes me nauseous like i don't really just don't like what are you doing the drink in the coffee this is oat milk okay he's a [ __ ] gentleman so far so good what were the pets like growing up uh we always had at least a dog so at first it was first it was a white maltese named fluffy okay okay that escaped and my parents went and bought the exact same dog and told us that they found it like they found our dog that's like [ __ ] yeah no not the parents type [ __ ] and then uh that tennis court if you ever come back or how did you how did you how did you make fluffy shows how'd you make fluffy number two well that's what i'm saying they went and told us that they found fluffy but i'm saying how did you know that it wasn't i guess you do no it's not yeah i certainly were like this dude that's a labrador what's up with the spots i don't even know his [ __ ] name this dog has tattoos what the [ __ ] tails gone so but then when we got to florida they got kind of dog obsessed you know i think it happens to like as kids get older especially to the woman of course you know so then it then they got my dad a beagle when he was a kid and he told us this name rocket right and so we got a beagle okay and they named it rocket and it was morbidly obese like fat beagles tough luck dude i took it to the vet and they're like what are you guys doing to this and i'm like i'm not the owner the parents my parents own it and they're like this dog is so sick it's so fat it's way fatter it's like they feel like just i guess whatever it wants and they're like feed it green beans i told my parents day one they got green beans that was it that was the only mozzarella sticks in here on a green bean casserole yeah say [ __ ] it and then they got pugs they got into pugs okay love pugs at one point there was five feel like once people get into pugs they really wait hold on hugs yeah take a step back here yeah there was five pugs in your house four pugs and one beagle at the same time the same time yes how many bedrooms is the house um when they when they had all those dogs it was a four or five bedroom house your couch must have been covered in dog hair no because i i well i don't remember that i don't remember that it could have been i don't i really don't remember and then but here's the thing at the time they're acquiring dogs it's like my older sister probably like going to college dogs are coming in people are moving out you know five dogs is a lot who would walk to dogs would you have to walk them walk no why do you think they're so [ __ ] fat what about the dog [ __ ] in the backyard this has come up on the podcast this is the clean it up me no somebody in the family or the landscaper yeah yeah and my mom would do a lot of that yeah and then did you have to cut what were your chores you have to cut the grass so i did cut grass you know it's a funny thing it's like there's there's a there's like cultures and communities where it's normal and then where it's not and for some reason when we were in the midwest cutting your lawn was just routine sure like i i cut the lawn in in minneapolis and milwaukee for years and like and it's like we moved to florida and they're like what are you doing people don't what are you doing you don't cut the grass you hire somebody it was just like everybody and like even like like lower middle income people would have i think it's a part of it is that it's a hundred and [ __ ] sure that's true and so i also think there was a time where that turned where maybe maybe it was more affordable for landscapers to be like hey i can come for 30 bucks yeah okay great so i once we were in florida i never did yard work i know what kind of equipment were you riding in uh i remember we had the push and then in that milwaukee house with the that my dad went and got the riding mower john deere what was it i don't remember the craftsman it could have been a craftsman if it was a deer you'd know it yeah i don't know you never forget a deer tom riding that thing around what are you talking about you're right yeah i would remember yeah come on everyone remember that was the green and i was [ __ ] i got to say it i was thrilled to be doing that i liked it the writer became a mature before you could drive and like they had like [ __ ] horses it was pretty like substance like it wasn't enormous amount of land but it took a while to get out there for a while you feel empowered when you were doing it it was great did you ever joyride the riding lawn mower off the property that's a bad luck a little bit but not not far way down a little bit didn't go to the circle throwing rocks at everybody yeah [ __ ] cars there was a nazi across the street i forgot that you should open with that i know what are you doing talking about your tennis courts it took me a while to put it together you know he was like 90 and german and the flag didn't give it away and i [ __ ] you know i really click with this guy really got along you know his memorabilia do you have a family it was just it was this old german couple and you know there's a lot of germans in milwaukee okay but then i mean we're talking i mean old as [ __ ] and he was a little older than her they i mean when i we moved there he had to be like in his eighties and like you know like he was a mess but like sweet um and sweet hateful guy you know but like i didn't put together and then all of a sudden you know some time goes by and it's like talking about oh you're in the military you're in the war and i was like which war were you in i'm like oh it wasn't fallujah i'll tell you that i'm like i'm like wait you're 85. what's normandy really like yeah i was like okay dan he was a german soldier yeah of course they let him over here yeah i'm sure he had he should have reported they started can they still catch them out in queens every now and then yeah yeah they gotta they got a guy like a year a couple years ago a guy living out in like [ __ ] ridgewood queens tooth puller i've seen those uh those documentaries on it's fascinating oh and they get them in argentina oh yeah there's that one about the the guy who he had a nickname and there it was a whole like i'm mistaken he was like that's not me it was like that's right that was the cleveland guy i think he was out in the midwest that was fluffy i could tell you it wasn't fluffy no but those yeah they went to brazil and argentina a lot and um that was uh what's it called eichmann was got was captured down there we got eichmann in uh in argentina that was fascinating yeah and it was all you know because like if you watch these crime stories like one of the big things about if you commit a crime with a group of people is that somebody wants to brag right like if you rob a player remember like even like goodfellas it's like start living it up they're like don't spend the [ __ ] money right like do that now stop being flick get this [ __ ] thing off see goebbels doing that speech yeah yeah look at me don't [ __ ] buy anything so but it pulls up in a pink cadillac i'm gonna hey it's in my mother's name what are you doing it was a christmas present oh my god jesus christ okay let's talk about that mint mobile mint mobile best in the biz at mint mobile 15 bucks a month don't be a bozo what do you got t-mobile sprint like a loser getting ripped off probably paying nine 10 grand a month just to [ __ ] text messages they put you in a contract for i don't know about 47 years yeah they lock you this is a studio deal let's go the silent film error is over get on [ __ ] mint mobile yeah t-mobile owns my masters trying to buy them back i'm trying to re-record them like taylor's uh there's no catching everything what's to catch nothing 15 beans a month um beans the secret sauce is the company sell directly why do they serve the wireless service cut them out the retail stores there we go you're off at the past peanut butter in your mouth you got to flank these guys [Laughter] alpha bravo for anyone who hates their phone bill mobile's offers premium service for just 15 bucks a month it gives you the best rate whether you're buying uh one or for a family and then family started two lines kind of family not bad very nuanced nuclear nuclear uh to get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month and get that plan shipped directly to your door for free go to mintmobile.com garbage at smittmobile.com garbage call your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com garbage do it kip let's talk about sofi so phi baby i don't know about you but i'm pretty stupid when it comes to invest everything yeah yeah a lot of stuff i don't know what's going on the nft's dogecoin and elon misk i don't know what it is but wouldn't it be nice if there was an app where you could get all those questions answered mm-hmm all right your nfts your your left-hand your efts all that stuff they start throwing around meme stocks and this and that i don't know what they're talking about but sofi does yeah so if i squares you up 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make investing easier with sofi visit sofi.com garbage to learn how you can win up to thousand dollars in stock when you open an account that's sofi sofi.com garbage brokerage and active investing products offered through sofi securities llc member f-i-n-r-a s-i-p-c now back to the show but [ __ ] eichmann's son uh barry a girl that he was on a date with really he didn't help himself he's like 16. he's like you know my dad is my dad killed so many [ __ ] shoots jesus yeah because he couldn't he couldn't keep his back guys trying to get laid yeah you wanna hear a cool story my dad killed six million people allegedly oh you scored a touchdown at the game huh where do you hear this holy [ __ ] it was a nazi girl what was your first car your personal one you're personal we know you're a big car guy uh my dad okay a 199 in 96. 1896 new uh base model ford mustang damn i loved that car really that was a very specific it was those yeah they were that was a great year for them yeah that was pretty cool now so things are going well right before i drove that for a few months i drove my sister's honda accord nice um but then he got a hatchback no i had a hatchback oh nice stick you drive stick i do now i didn't then really yeah i'm surprised the mustang wasn't a stick no and it was it was the beginning of like that was the beginning of the end for the mustangs well not just that but also like there was there had been a like by the late 90s a real decline in the decline was beginning massively for manual production going down so it was like you know like my you know it's like three percent yeah and it goes down every year yeah yeah and so like um like it wasn't even like it wasn't even an option they were just like no everything's you know yeah yeah so yeah my wife is german actually uh from germany so she really yeah she knows i have to do a deep dive on her family after this i guess no she's actually jewish but um we did she knows how to drive stick and i feel like the biggest [ __ ] can i tell you over there because i can't drive you got it you you're driving around like [ __ ] jason bourne and i'm you got to do it once i learned it's [ __ ] awesome it is such a thrill awesome i used to valet so i could do it to like park cars i could stall a bunch of people's nice cars yeah of course uh get out there i remember there's no [ __ ] there's no time there's like almost no panic like that panic of oh out the world's out yeah the world's coming down on you in there and people are like [ __ ] gone but once you get over that it takes a little bit it's so much fun i just yeah my key is automatic so we're okay yeah there you go yeah what uh what are you rolling around in now i got a few rides now lay it on me we got all the time in the world sir what's the day-to-day what are you zipping around from the house to the studio uh no i got drivers no no i have a new um uh porsche gt3 touring that's the day-to-day that's the that's the that's the knock-around car yeah that's pretty crazy is that is that a lease you gotta lease it no i bought that i got a three year lease i got a uh 997 gen one gt3 rs okay i don't even know what that is yeah that's a porsche okay okay i got a 718 gt4 that's another porsche okay i have a cayenne turbo that's a porsche right that's kind of the family that would be yeah okay turbo s that's a porsche damn really what's the garage situation how many cars d can you fit in there right six i think now i keep on the lawn keeping it real i can fit five in there okay fit five what's with the four five where did the first thing come from i mean i get they're obviously great cars but uh yeah of course when you start once you start driving them it really is a game changer seinfeld is a big porsche guy he's got a lot can you talk to him about porsches never meet the man i've never met seinfeld no he definitely has like i think he leases them he has a wild collection yeah yeah don't go over 10 000 miles i think he has like like a hundred and something sure did you meet leno do you ever do cars with leonardo yes i did his show oh that girl was that was awesome he's a he's a really fun guy to talk to about cars um he's got a crazy collection um i got a range rover that's my okay next level up i want to get around then i have a couple uh resto mods being done right now you know i don't know what so sorry performers yeah get in the game fatty got a missile i have like a 68 ford bronco wrestle mod being built awesome um my stepdad's redoing the broncos yeah those are pretty cool yeah yeah uh will you eat in the porsche any of the cars uh in the in the car like in the car car like the gts yeah not really no no you're also probably not like hitting the drive-through anymore because you're you're running a tight ship now yeah healthwatch was the last time you were at a drive-through um that's a good question really it's been that long and what what what's your poison if you do go what [ __ ] yeah that's me i tell you tuesday easy no i [ __ ] love i love i probably it probably was like last year i probably hit a chick-fil-a i love chick-fil-a they know what they're doing over there um but i love like my favorite indulgence which i haven't had in a while but is a mcdonald's fries those are the [ __ ] piping hot everything at mcdonald's fresh out it's great those are the [ __ ] i mean i used to [ __ ] just eat myself into like i think i would just scare my esophagus like i would eat them handfuls hot and like and like gasp for air and then i'll be like i wish could we get more that's what i'm talking about by the way mcdonald's i still remember this if you get cause i would be obsessed about that temperature if you get go to like any mcdonald's and you get fries and these they're like lukewarm and you tell them they'll make new fries well he's big on the lightly salted right is that oh that's what you like they do new ones yeah no but i i have a trick at fast food places breaks in after night deep fry give me the [ __ ] um you always make uh and you call an audible you make an adjustment to the thing you take something off or add something that way they're making it fresh nice yeah yeah little fat guy tip for you okay yeah nice um will you put anything do you have air fresheners in the cars i don't i don't have any air fresheners i guess if you're not eating you're not smoking there's no real need to yeah no i have um i have a guy come to the house and detail the cars really yeah god damn so i guess there's no steering wheel cover in there i wouldn't you have eyelashes on any of them there's there's no beads on the scene there's trucks truck knots is there really oh my god [Laughter] i love i love cars dude i could i mean i i'm seriously contemplating uh getting a storage place oh i also have a the race car that bird got me of course i know that's specky 46 and a trailer we were kind of driving on the street yeah getting one to race against you guys yes oh really yeah we're nice nice everybody get your [ __ ] wife right exactly have you ever driven on the autobahn no never doing the autobahn pretty cool that's gotta be it's a wild scene that's kind of just every now and then i'm doing a european tour uh go for even if you're not don't dr i mean i'm sure you because you can just rent like a [ __ ] whatever yeah for like an hour that'd be awesome but like to watch them drive by you it's wild yeah yeah yeah all right let's get into it have you guys ever thought about doing the gumball rally we've talked about doing a couple things there's some things in the works that we're talking about as far as you know like getting involved in what can you like get into le mans or anything like that they're going to mars but we're gonna we're i think we're gonna do something fun like race wise endurance wise okay then we're talking oh that's like cannonball run something like that yeah yeah get in on that yeah you could yeah i'll be don deluise we should do it and not tell him just show up just waiting at the [ __ ] we're here like let's go what the [ __ ] is this we're in your mom's jeep you're worried about the miles i can't i'm almost done with my mileage um you got a fish tank at the house no okay did you have one sorry one growing up uh there was certain houses where it wasn't like one of those elaborate ones okay but there was definitely times where like we're getting fish there's a fish tank and is it ever empty in the house empty fish tank in the house that's a real tough that's a real tough it's a bad smell south jersey [Laughter] um no i don't i don't think so i think it was pretty much there was definitely times you're like have they eaten does one look a little foggy my mom you know i do so much any pets now for the kids anything dude you know what just happened last week it's funny you asked him this happened last week so we had we rescued a a dog and uh we got him in 20 i think twelve twelve or six oh wow i don't think this has well well no no so then um a few years later uh around 2015 we got one from a breeder of brussels with brussels griffon nice if you ever as good as it gets that dog that like uh sure jack nicholson has right yeah um ferdel yeah right um so anyway the the rescue died in 2019 the one that we got um from the from the breeder it's like you know it's part of the family we've had it we've had her for for the time we've had kids like she was how your kids are how old they're six and one the youngest about to be four so there's three turning so they know uh well yeah so they you know uh she we got her a few months before the six-year-old was born okay whole life she's been there our young we moved to texas our youngest had been getting sick like his um asthma started and it started to like really be a thing we're like he's always sick now we went to doctors and they sent us you know specialists and they get sent you to your nose and throat and then an allergist turns out they do a full blood panel he has one of the highest allergic reactions to dogs damn to dogs so we're like [ __ ] so i called my mom i was like she's like nice dog he's coming she's she's now with my mom okay that's not bad you can get rid of it that's good yeah it's like yeah you don't leave me on a burger king yeah remember the chick-fil-a story [Laughter] all right not bad anybody ever been on the local news for anything growing up uh are you on the local news growing up i don't think so man okay yeah that's classy that's pretty classy it's not true have you been on the local news no i wish i was though yeah like it's an accomplishment yeah yeah i had a couple i had a couple of cousins that saw a house fire they were on the news that's the best we're bragging oh man when they when they fill you in on the story oh yeah i had a cousin when the eagles were in the super bowl down in florida like you know comcast sportsnet or whatever like the local philly channel went down yeah we're interviewing people and local dirt ball yeah they cut to him and he was boozing heavy at the time yeah and he's got a huge black eye and then they're like they're like hey sir what are you enjoying the festivities he's like yeah they're like what happened to your eyes like you should see her and i was like dude then he was like did you see me i was on the news yeah all the ants like yeah we saw we said yeah that's what we're talking about what is like there is such a special level of savage that comes from philly like i know it's crazy it's wise why is it i don't know it's like you i don't know around the birds it's so hard out there we're in it so it's tough for us to analyze like if somebody got arrested for beating up like a dallas cowboys fan at an eagles game yeah like you'd get to be like [ __ ] here [ __ ] yeah you know joey not some plus yeah it's like yeah it's a badge of honor right and i don't know why that is but we're just in it it's just normal it's like this thing too like when you do stand up you know especially like you you tour like as i've just toured for years and years you just get like feels for like parts of your country you're like this is like this and like when people are like what's that i'm like dude it is [ __ ] animals yeah that's philadelphia areas yeah that is [ __ ] scary there's still a city where it's like you can still get got you know what yeah you can still like it's like check your [ __ ] six because snowball might be [ __ ] coming again just the way someone [ __ ] will talk to someone on the street you're like jesus christ well dude it's like there's this but there's this weird thing of like if you if somebody wawa is like the perfect thing it's like if you hold the door for someone at wawa and they don't say thank you but it's like you'll do the polite thing of like i hold there's a common courtesy of like everybody respects everybody but the second you break that line of respect it's like i've seen just you don't say [ __ ] thank you yeah you're welcome get one of those if you don't say thank you it's like well then you're squaring up in the [ __ ] i gotta tell you i kind of like that yeah i love it i love it i'll say this there's never been a city more comfortable with people walking around in broad daylight in pajama bottoms yeah yeah everybody's okay i like house [Applause] i remember this place uh walking into a place holding the door for a woman who who was like i can do that thank you and i was like what the [ __ ] um anyone in your family ever owned a pt cruiser no okay anyone in your family ever claimed to have seen a ufo i don't i mean i don't think so okay it's pretty good have you ever bought the floor model of a tv or an appliance for sure some like for sure that's happened okay for sure that's happened like an astonishing box but yeah oh yeah yeah also with a south american in the future a lot of haggling like it's part of the culture i mean we're talking like she's in bloomingdale she's like dude can you do better i'm like this is not a flea market she was like not like the cashier isn't setting the prices shut the [ __ ] up they're not gonna change the price that's a [ __ ] ralph lauren shirt you just have to buy it msrp lady yeah trying to trade her shirt in for the op [Laughter] i have to ask just because it's standard operating procedure what's the credit score like um i mean probably fine like yeah a thousand there's no way you have blemishes at this point it's stellar i don't know what it is it's got to be exemplary yeah what kind of what kind of stuff again no disrespect no i i don't know i don't know the score but it's definitely fine admirable yeah yeah of course yeah um what kind of steel you're walking around with amex uh yeah yeah yeah yeah that's the go-to i have one for touring one for one for business obviously yeah i actually have three because i have one for personal purchases one for related to podcast stuff of course touring yeah yeah all right yeah i got a debit card i have millions of points yeah really millions millions oh we have i just looked this morning what 149 000. holy [ __ ] it's about four dollars we get a race car maybe you could you maybe could actually yeah that's jack [ __ ] when it comes to amex points i'm waiting for them to call me be like you have to use these yeah yeah oh really that's how trashy we are i looked to see the equivalent i could get in american express gift cards that's nice christmas bonuses coming up everybody everybody wins do you have a capital one card do you want one i get 500 bucks if i refer i do i get 500 if i sign up a friend we just started making money dude it's [ __ ] congratulations it's it is and it should be celebrated i have a real problem with people that's what i've always respected about you you don't a lot of people hide that they fly private you're like i'm flying i'm doing it we're blowing it as we make it dude literally we just lost ten thousand dollars on a on a bet that was one of the best once we hit a certain number on patreon we'll just go down and blow down you'll make it tomorrow you'll make it tomorrow he just made it should be celebrated you know you got to be smart with it but you should have fun with it and um by the way i could not do this the tour that i'm on mm-hmm could not do it uh flying oh no it would be impossible sure you had your tour is the stupidest of all time proper nuts it's proper insane i mean i'm at over 200 shows right now on the tour and there's one year left on the tour can't do that waiting in the delta lounge i think the whole tour crew would be dead there's like [ __ ] six of us they're all they're like that right now they go like we're all wiped and i'm like yeah they go you really need to take a break i'm like yeah no i'm going to do press okay there you go it's a worker we're boys we're good friends with potter and we were talking oh he's great i love yeah he's great um and we were talking one time he had just got back opening up speaking of ladies and gentlemen oh my god the classiest he's the reason we asked the street name because he grew up on like you know route 87 like a proper turnpike so you could see a toll booth out front of his house he is one of my absolute favorites oh dude yeah just with him we were like we were asking him and he were like we're like oh he's a guy i was out with tom he's like i'm just such an idiot he's like i don't understand levels of success to the point where he was like oh what time's your flight you're like i'm leaving after the [ __ ] show he's like it didn't even comprehend he's like i thought he was just gonna go to the airport [Laughter] he's the best he's great did you collect anything growing up chinese stars numchucks anything like that beanie babies commemorative places there was anybody in the 80s if you were you had i mean first of all i was taking taekwondo yeah and here's the thing i was pretty highly ranked like where like in retrospect i'm like they were just like could you pay for another round and they're like here's another tiger shulman really like a 40 year old man was like jesus christ this kid could kill somebody he's got to register his hands like and i was just like i mean i was this [ __ ] sweet gentle kid you got a slurpee in your hands and then we started to get because we're taking those classes yeah we're getting into like nunchucks chinese stars pretending we're nervous yeah oh yeah i'm talking about giving myself black eyes oh [ __ ] beautiful when you when you first started making money was there any like silly purchase yeah i didn't need them something stupid jet ski yeah well i have two uh you have two now yeah are they at the house yeah we're on the we live on the lake so yeah oh really guys like you can walk out your backyard and go to a lake i have a boat and yeah in the backyard damn yeah cigarette boat no be cool you running blow what do you mean yeah who the [ __ ] has a cigarette boat in the lake that's how little you know about boats damn dude really he's walked down the light you got a pool back there too hot tub yeah he said 200 cities you idiot what the [ __ ] who's doing 200 cities of a goddamn opto what kind of lawn mower do you have now that's a john deere uh it's a push mower though i want to stay fine it's a plug-in takes me about three days ago that's the trashiest oh oh the dumbest thing right away was a pen a pen like you know i was like in a store here's the thing you ever feel guilty in store like i was i felt guilty to buy something yeah and i was like i need to use the bathroom you know and there was like a nice store and then i was like i'll buy something like and i bought a pen it was like hundred it was like 500 dollars what yeah and then i left and i'm sorry nick what are you doing no it was like turning four different colors it's so stupid it was one of those real like a nice like this is i mean definitely not be mentioning that i bought this that was one of those things you're like keep this to your [ __ ] salmon that was so dumb hey we got an eight ball i got a new pad i got a pen mm-hmm yeah was it a cross pen those were hot for a while those were hot yeah there was could never write with them they'd slip out of your hand mont blanc and then yeah then cartier yeah those are nice ones are you double jointed uh no i used to be able to take my index fingers and touch my wrist here for a long time and then it finally like i could go circus you know like an x-men like pretty far but like it used to be able to touch here and that stopped at some point can you gleak no and i wish i it happens only on yeah yeah i always talk we knew a kid that could do it and a continuous stream that's amazing oh dude i don't understand how it happened now but we were in a car and we saw him on his on his school bus we stopped the school bus and made him get off and do it did something leak for you dude it was [ __ ] like stop the bus we got a gleeker back there uh have you ever skied in jeans probably yeah yeah because in uh that's one of those things like you know those um socio-economic bumps of course that we are skiing well we're in like minneapolis so like you can go but we're not buying you all new gear sure yeah so yeah for sure it was a pair of jeans everything breaker when you're a bricklayer you're a kid in that in a city like that you're just out in jeans every day in snow and like it's the worst right it's just there's so much snow it's cold it's [ __ ] suck and you're just yeah you're in wet denim all the time [ __ ] sucks yikes have you ever had one of those trick voicemails where you go hello what was that hello ha ha got ya no i believe it or not tommy is in at home when you guys go out to dinner as a family as a kid would you ever order the same thing like everyone gets the lemon chicken or the chicken it wasn't like that okay that was the [ __ ] worst my dad used to go um like he had like this like anxiety of like let's get home like always so my dad had to get back to [ __ ] base camp i mean always everybody get get the whole [ __ ] show you're at a social anxiety so like we're all having dinner right and it's like it would be like if you guys was that guy why are you looking at me you're still eating like you're eating and he would take his bite and he would go ready to go like we're all eating right now man and he's like oh okay and then he would just be like and you're like um hey dad get a sanker or something you finished your last bite you're ready now you're like can we just [ __ ] let me chill for like relax will you take leftover leftovers home now like if you go out to a restaurant if you're not on tour it's you and it's you and your wife the family go out very rarely dude i don't really i don't like to i mean it's it's more like i don't know i just feel like whatever you ate is what you ate that's what i'm saying yeah yeah it's like i'm not taking this these last four bites of lemon chicken yeah you know right right yeah all right if we're doing the restaurant let's get in let's get into it okay um i go i go large i know yeah well you order first of all when is the situation where you're not paying where where it's not your show it's rare i would assume agents probably taking you out they'll pick it up for a show in the city what if it's you and rogan out to dinner are you fighting over the check i tried splitting it no no i tried to kick you out of this room i've tried i can check i've tried to and i've have um given the card if i know i'm having dinner with joe or ahead of time yes i did that this weekend down the street that's a nice move got the clutch yeah [Laughter] kind of go to my mom yeah i like i like you know if you can afford to do it it's nice to be able to treat people too yeah also so you don't have that weird let me get it like you just go it's taken care of he's always paid for a [ __ ] everything for years of course of course yeah yeah he does okay yeah he does all right that's good yeah um order appetizers for the table for everybody you like to do i do that yeah i do that a lot nice i just i feel good we get to you know we're on the road you when the crew goes out we sit down i'll be like hey can you bring out like three of them yeah you do that like hey get these we're still we're still figuring it out let's start dropping stuck in put some [ __ ] food out here man have you ever ordered everything off the menu yes really give me everything i went uh there was this uh this french guy um [ __ ] what is his name he owns a tray uh [ __ ] he's uh i might follow him on instagram and he would do these pop-ups that were just [ __ ] unbelievable okay in austin no in l.a um and i'm trying to remember his name trey griffith no no no i was saying trey like french oh okay his name is uh ludo uh ludo le febre i don't know i was i wasn't that bad so he owns uh i think he has a he might have a michelin star anyway he would do these pop-ups in la for a while meaning like you know just take over and so the first time i went i had a few things and i was like holy [ __ ] this is so like so incredible like you know like yeah of course so the next time he had a pop-up and i got a table i looked at the menu i was like yes and they're like yes i go yes everything yeah bring everything run me through the [ __ ] make me sick yeah yeah that was the [ __ ] we're just starting to eat at places where we're like oh that's i we took there's this place where we had that was like the best burger in the city we all took a bite outside i didn't know rich people have been eating different things there's a difference they really it's there's really here's the let me tell you the best thing about money the best thing about money i'm listening it is not toys it is not stuff it is options options to do things yes that other people don't want to have to do this and to make life easier easier like in other words a simple version of it would be like bacon on your burger baking on your burger or like to park here's 20 bucks when you're struggling you're like i'm not going to waste 20 dollars i'll drive over there yeah 20 bucks part the the more and more things come like that that have uh uh an option for you yeah right um and you remove any things i used to like remove anxiety remove thought remove like yeah i can just put the car here and not have to worry about i'm going to get it we're kind of doing that now but we really can't afford it well look this patreon is [ __ ] blowing up you heard it here www yeah billion hours of content but food is like one of the greatest luxuries oh it's it's fun being able to eat at a great place what would be the most if it sticks out that you ever spent on a meal i don't know if you want me to tell you oh yeah we do i want you want to write it down like a rich guy [Laughter] it wasn't long ago there you go it's this was uh this is a first finally i got something pretty elaborate okay dinner i had okay put a credit card number down here too just uh maybe if you got it also how much cash you have on you right now i don't know okay let me count what the [ __ ] let me say it yeah how many people were there it's just you it was uh ladies and gentlemen it was a group it was okay but i mean what city chicago can i say what the number is i mean do you think we should we talking honestly this is what people tune in for all right 52 000 it was my birthday that's more than i made last year on the books no yeah that's your birthday of course blow it the [ __ ] out is that with tip that was with tip all right with tip hey what's 5 at 52 000 i figured with wine and tax it's really only 38 grand holy [ __ ] why we're in this world 52 jihads what is the most you've ever given as a wedding gift and then also i want to hear if you were coming to like just our wedding you know what i mean not like obviously the gift would probably have been like which you're invited 52 000 times my friend either way send a gift like it might have been like a niece or a nephew or something yeah when burt was on bert said he's like i try to take care of their honeymoon oh that's a [ __ ] move that's a that's a gangster move tim said he had given ben thousand dollars really yeah because yeah yeah yeah jesus christ who's got the [ __ ] bentley what are you doing 200 and a card what's going on it better be up now blender [Laughter] hey thanks for the george foreman group like i don't know if you have a niece or a nephew like nieces or nephews well that's the thing is i haven't been like to like somebody that close yeah and i haven't had like the weddings like they happen in your life for like a few years and then they're like i haven't been invited to a wedding and that's probably pretty true yeah do you have anybody hitting me up for cash i have had that happen really yes a large amount uh more than dinner no no i've had people like you know investment opportu like they're like hey you want to just get in on a sports drink a lot of sports and i'm like nah those are hot right now and you know what the funny thing is is that you could tell they're doing sales lines they're like you know sports drinks are one of the most popular you're like i know you why are you talking about you're reading wikipedia right now it's actually a 1.7 billion dollars stop with this you got the dog in the car yeah jesus christ uh i had a guy one time this is terrible this dude i know for a long time because i'm in a jam for rent and this is like the 29th he's like if i don't have rent well how long ago was this this was like five years ago okay so you're cooking i'm doing i'm doing well rant you must be like what the [ __ ] right he's like you know i got a lake house [ __ ] he goes i'll send you a jet ski rents do and um if i could you know if you could help me out otherwise i'm going to be out and i was like jesus christ all right um i go well i'm like traveling i was like international i was like dude i'm not gonna get back and he was like it was potter and i remember being like [ __ ] um you know i don't have a checkbook with me i'd have to like call a business manager and it was a whole thing right now and then it was like they would think that's shady you're for sure yeah you're in europe somewhere it was like a saturday so i was like they're not even like in the office oh man this is somebody who's not um i'm not regular in communication sure this guy does not reach out for the favor you don't know how to be a scumbag if you're making moves like that you know where you are it's [ __ ] make sure it's banking hours yeah exactly all that stuff so here's what i'm doing saturday and he's telling me i'm gonna get like kicked out i'm like [ __ ] i'm like well it's saturday i don't you know i don't know what to do i also have like work i go i have shows yeah and i do my shows and then i fly back he's like uh hey man is there any way you can send me that i'm like it's the third now yeah so you're not he's like yeah they they told me if if i get it to him i can still stay and he's waiting on it yeah so i was like okay i go okay i go i'll you know i mean like where do i go i go i go just send it to them send them set of the thing and then you know i rent 30 grand a month yeah it was like that's like when uh i forget who it was it was like on that documentary broke or whatever or something it was like nobody needs ten thousand dollars it was like it was like people the second like athletes get their checks or whatever it's like no one needs ten thousand dollars they've made it this far without it like it's not gonna change their life they're just gonna blow it you don't have to pay for things for people you know with your money yeah that's like they were like auditing people the guy's like yeah i pay for 348 cell phones right now you're like what the [ __ ] it's just like [ __ ] 20 grand a month in t-mobile [ __ ] plans hear that patty you're cut off as of right now um you eat your pizza crust yeah okay yeah you own a tux no you don't know how many suits you own suits though right i have a bunch of suits bunch of suits name brand or they're [ __ ] designers cookies yeah yeah they are no [ __ ] not today's man or anything like that now they're like briony yeah yeah i don't even know what that is what he just said he's dropped a couple things i'm like oh yeah yeah is that a kind of oyster are the jet skis in the water like right there like if you landed at your house right now we walked straight to your backyard i get on a jet you got a helipad i'm cruising do you no but i would you have a submarine like to [ __ ] get one no so the jet skis are on lift submarines right so yeah they're out of the water and they go drop down so you have a little uh like a little uh slip dock boat house yeah whatever yeah yeah what kind of kind of boat is it pontoon what do you got it's a nautique yeah see i don't know what what is that it's a it's pretty dope it's nice yeah yeah outboard inboard what are we doing here center console inboard no uh whatever right side right side yeah yeah who's driving it you you're the captain no no no no no no no no no do you have the same pilot that flies the private jet or is it who's ever there okay yeah still pretty good though it's pretty great how do you feel about banana pudding i like how you're like still pretty good um i mean i'll [ __ ] with banana pudding yeah was there a dish you know this boat is sick well this is like if guy fieri was a boat it's got a smoker on it yeah that's pretty cool god damn it man we only have time for a couple of more here too okay but what was the last uh what i was gonna say was there a family dish that was that was revered in the family your aunts uh something i always like certain like you know you get used to everyone has like a [ __ ] distorted sense of their mother's cooking yeah you gotta try my mom's meatloaf you're like i'm good yeah um cardboard yeah i uh you know i i like to make this peruvian dish called lomo saltado which is like a beef dish okay potatoes and rice and onions and corn it's very very like kind of renowned in cuisine and so her version of that was like my one of my favorite things right yeah all right real quick sleeping king-sized bed i assume yeah how many pillows are on the bed a lot how many pills do you sleep with i like to use one like kind of structured like a thicker one okay and then a softie underneath it right okay sure and then i put i put a wrap around my eyes nice and i put a sleep guard in my mouth and then i started doing this thing where i tape my mouth i just got the tape my wife just bought me the tape it's pretty cool it works it is it just came yesterday it it forces your nose more yeah yeah yeah well you can still breathe you can and you and you'll feel more rested you do feel more spin hot guys ladies you're loosening up no sleep happening machine no sleep apnea machine all right that's pretty good um pillow between your legs no if i here's the thing if i want if i remember when like you know if i'm kind of like whatever i don't know if it's kind of getting into the morning and i want to sleep where i'm on my side and i grab one i'll do it but it's not fixed gotcha where it's every time but i i do like when i remember to because you just yes it aligns your hips more his and her sinks in the bathroom yes uh what's the shower like probably pretty banging it's a it's a i mean it's not like super crazy do you have do you have a stand-up shower and a tub separate yes and there's a steam in this there's steam in the shower too do you do it yeah i love the steam great steam's great do you pee in the shower [ __ ] yeah i don't understand yeah you got it like what are people doing do you brush your teeth in there no really no i don't i brush my kind of toothpaste do you use um i [ __ ] around with them um i have the uh i mean i'll i'll do crest i'll do the uh really the baking baking soda that that arm and hammer armament hammer one i like that once you do that it's tough to go back to the other stuff that's kind of my primary yeah what about this are you a bar guy or a body body wash i prefer body wash but we have you know soap bars yeah loofah's in there what are you scrubbing yourself with uh there have been they i feel like they just they're all sudden they're gone they're always gone yeah you use them and then they look funny and then you get somebody tosses them but i like the gel how do you dry yourself off when you get out do you do like all you wait do you walk out and then dry yourself off or do you do it in the shower i don't do it in the shower you have somebody that does it for you i usually do it like prince hakeem yeah i uh no you know the towel is usually right on the hook outside okay um i get out i um yeah i kind of do like you know go down legs are all and i'm hairy dude like yeah got a towel off pretty aggressively yeah waiting around with it different radio in the shower or anything like that i have a little uh well have a bluetooth speaker in the shower smart okay and i also have like the sonos system built in to the bathroom yeah you do yeah did you build this house or did you move into it no but it was it was a newly built house so i bought it before it was done yeah gotcha brought the jet skis with you got any heated floors in there no that's such a dope move no it's a real power flex to the heated driveway if you're in lake montana he doesn't need it you don't need it down there yet no no shoveling no no it's hot as [ __ ] there keep the butter on the counter at the house you put it in the fridge i'll put it in the fridge okay but there's always a covered tray on the counter because some like yeah yeah yeah yeah who goes who's going to the grocery store you got people to do that or you going to the grocery store i don't go to the grocery store yes [ __ ] yeah i got a grocery store ever been in a tornado um there's been tornadoes i've i've lived places where there was a tornado there's never actually been in one no no but multiple hurricanes had to evacuate like several times do you sleep with your socks on no what do you sleep in just boxers no t-shirt no and you're a boxer man yeah boxer briefs yeah boxer yeah yeah yeah you wear uh shoes in the house i mean yes i try like i prefer when i remember to take them off okay so i don't like tracking [ __ ] everywhere of course but i i definitely walk in sometimes i mean you know if you have guests come over for dinner you're gonna make them take their shoes no no i don't i don't do that would you enjoy doing that at someone's house like if you went over to [ __ ] whoever's house like take your shoes off i don't really like that yeah it sucks right i think that's cool what are we [ __ ] eleven yeah like we're adults i mean i have asian friends and you know you kind of gotta you do what they say but yeah i prefer to just keep keep them on yeah do you wipe back to front or front to back uh front to back do you have a bid front to back you go inside no no start like up right okay yeah so front to back front direction okay yeah gotcha uh i have the built-in the primary like my master toilet has the built-in washlet so you just press the button and it like streams clean jobs that is such a game changer yeah i know yeah and you feel like a monster when you're not home when you're you're doing raw poop somewhere [Laughter] that's kind of why i don't want to do it because it's like that you know because like they're not all home games that feel that feeling that cleanse like this of like of like the warm stream cleaning right in your [ __ ] house yeah also somebody said you have a coffee machine in your bed in your bathroom um is that true that we were somebody just like a mr coffee or like an espresso machine dunk a whole dunkin donuts [Laughter] what happened was when i was uh we looked at houses like this a while ago one of the houses where you took a tour they're like oh and in the master bedroom they're like open some cabinet and this thing slid out and they're like there's a coffee machine here and my wife was like yeah why don't we put a coffee machine like why i have to go down so there's like this little area in our bedroom that has you know i don't know it's just like a like a little corner yeah and she just put a like in a spread you know like a capsule coffee that's pretty close you're going to wake up and you just make a cocktail you got tv in the bedroom yeah you sleep with the tv on no i can't really i i i do that thing where i um if i close my eyes and the tv's on i'll be list i can't shut off the list yeah of course hellman's or miracle whip mayonnaise-wise i think i'll go miracle-whip kind of trashy right are you [ __ ] kidding me whoa you made it like almost an hour you were scot-free yeah holy [ __ ] i mean but here's the thing i'm not gonna you know it's not gonna neither one's gonna like make me not i love mayo sure like people you make a sandwich at the house you have a miracle up in the house uh i have to [ __ ] you gotta check you don't even know well yeah i could probably someone's making it for me you know really yeah i'm not do you have a chef no you have somebody that makes lunch and stuff like that though sometimes the [ __ ] boss ladies i know listen the miracle whip aside pretty flawless otherwise dude you're [ __ ] all class bro oh thanks man you're the [ __ ] boss thanks dude look at this it is shockingly rare that people come out as scot-free as you have done really dude it's like you and chase momentary are in yeah really you but yeah but you've always you can tell you've always held yourself to a higher regard even before i can't even hold the jet skis against you because they're [ __ ] in the water you have you're living a lake i thought they would be like on the side of the house on a trailer or something just telling them behind the porsche yeah damn wow he's trying to [ __ ] i'm honored man this is that's a good score yeah did this yeah yeah no [ __ ] and he was all [ __ ] oh dude he had a guy with nickel on him right outside the door yeah yeah an ex-cop freddie no no he's like you driving watching the car yeah no what was he he had a [ __ ] wild he had a name that you would expect jazz bomb with his bodyguard oh yeah yeah yeah it was something bobby angels or something like that gang brand new book out right here get the [ __ ] out i'd like to play alone please mr tom segora yes thank you guys anything else you want the folks out there to know no i mean i'm on i'm on a crazy tour if you want to come see me on tour tomsgrow.com tour for tickets that's it [ __ ] unbelievable a lot of those shows were sold out i was perusing the website those [ __ ] early promo codes really get it done no papering going on there huh not a lot of morning radio in your future i can tell you that right now the kids do it all right kippy what do you got for us guys we're all over the road as well check us out the the links in the description check out the patreon the whole nine yards we [ __ ] appreciate it love yous tom we love you thank you so much absolutely gang we love you and we'll see you next week

Channel: AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast

Views: 941,864

Keywords: Are You Garbage, Tom Segura Podcast, Tom Segura Stand Up, Tom Segura, Tom Segura Bert Kreischer, Tom Segura Joe Rogan, Your Moms House Podcast, YMH Podcast, Tom Segura Netflix, Tom Segura Podcast Funny Moments, 2 Bears 1 Cave, 2 Bears 1 Cave Podcast, Tom Segura 2 bears, Tom Segura Podcast Highlights

Id: N4oOXt0rsAw

Length: 86min 31sec (5191 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 15 2022