Are You Codependent? What it Feels Like To Be Codependent & How To HEAL IT | Lisa Romano

Codependents Live in a State of Reactivity how you to family Lisa a reminder here and today I wanted to do a video on dependency and dependents and why it is that we live in such states of reactivity one of the things that I've noticed in my own life when I was co-dependent and when I was at a higher state of awareness thinking about when I was so ridiculously stuck in the pattern that is codependency and the cycle right this circular the circular the circular motion that is that is quoted policy if you will the patterning when I was a wearing of being aware of it observing it I know the certain things like this I was constantly reacting my mother would say something like wow it's cold outside you don't have to have my Christmas lights and I would say all ok I hanging Christmas lights you never asked me what I was reacting to what was happening on the outside of me I would meet up with people in the street that I haven't seen in a long time and I wasn't even thinking I was just like wow you look great how are you how the kids are you constantly reacting to what was going on outside of me was like I didn't exist when I was relating to my ex-husband I did not exist it was always how do you feel what do you think what do you need I'm selfish because I want to go and have I don't know I wanna have Chinese food tonight instead of pizza I'm selfish and self-serving and Audrey think about myself and my selfish because I want Chinese food maybe I'm selfish because I want Chinese the kids really like pizza I mean I was constantly reacting to what ever he said if if I woke up when I woke up in the morning I was like a robot I was costly ok gotta walk the dog gotta feed the dog got to feed the fish gotta feed the birds gotta take my son to football gotta come back gotta make sure my daughter's lunches packed so she doesn't like chicken she really wanted turkey all my ex-husband ex-husband then my husband really wanna Gatorade with his lunch oh my goodness I only have R&G no such a better person because I have Gatorade haley said where's my carried why aren't you what's wrong with you so selfish what can you remember my Gatorade all you have to do what I have to do all day you sit around all day don't work you don't you don't have the things you can do is remember I can do it because I forgot his Gatorade on me that he's angry with me ok ok ok what do you want from him what he wanted to know you want people to just got a little better if I got on my son has baseball tonight gotta make sure you answer his beliefs you can't do that he can't put a face with dirty camps where is clear doctor weir co-defendant lives that's just not just a little bit of it when you're co-dependent you're living in the program what's the program the program is a need to be validated excited so I need to people please I need to make sure that people aren't angry at me I'm free to fear I have to make sure that everyone else is ok but myself when you stop to think about that that means you don't exist that means you an extension of everyone else that is outside of its show sad so couple notes in a main cause I don't want to forget the things that I wanted to share with you is that co-defendants again live in the program and the program is the result of being taught that what we think and what we feel is not valid it's not important so we have not learned to check in with stuff and so it's a product of being a perilous helpless child who was observing this craziness in front of them and sometimes worse than one is when it isn't crazy when the house looks ok when there is no screaming and there is no young there's just absolutely glad you were just absolutely ignored your feelings don't matter that is emotional abuse so I understand this clearly emotional neglect psychological neglect not being tended to not being hugged not being nurtured not being spoken to not having mom and dad look you in the eye not being connected to his emotional abuse its emotional starvation you are living breathing emotional being that needs to be fed and you're not fit with the bottle you're fed with other people's emotions you were fed your soul gets validated and deals has some sense of integrity when people have some seventh sense of integrity for your soul so that has to be that has to come from the outside so we need to have that objectified experience you see me you see me when a child grows up in a home and feels invisible and I talked about in my book back to me actually talk about it all my books because for me it's the common thread that binds us all as co-defendants in meeting our services because narcissists are also in pain the problem with the narcissist is a narcissist is cut off from the pain and doesn't believe that they're in pain and is living completely through the ego and it's getting their sense of power out of forcing people strong arming them or manipulating them into validating them so a codependent has a much better chance of being healed and being trained in a narcissist but make no mistake on a quantum level and narcissistic independent of both in pain and so getting back to work or dependency is so codependency is basically this idea that we need to we need something outside of ourselves we are dependent on something outside of ourselves to make us feel like we are valid and so the programming in our brain is that we're not enough and so we don't have to show up in relationships just as ourselves we don't know how to shut up and just be an experience of the people and form opinions about the conversations that were having we don't know how to check in with self and ask ourselves how do you feel all about him yelling at my child had a wife feel about him and telling me that I should be my child make no mistake there are men in this world who are jealous of the children in the home and there are women who have married men and there are many women like this too but there are women who have married men stepfathers intimate situation living situation with children who have step fathers or husbands for now the stepfather to the children who are insinuating that the mother should beat their children co-dependent women don't stop to ask themselves this question how do I feel about the man that I married suggesting and simulating that there's something wrong with me because I'm not beating my child how do I feel about him suggesting that I should be how do I feel how do I feel about my child cowering in the corner because his stepfather just walked in the door how do I feel when I observed that situation how do I feel when I go to school my child school and kindergarten teacher is insinuating that I'm not doing enough as a mother how do I feel about her judgment of me how do I feel about my shows been manipulating how my family sees me how do I feel about that how I feel about going to that party and having my husband ignoring me and talk to other females the entire evening how do I feel when I confront my husband and he tells Codependent Recovery me I'm being over emotional how do I feel about being told my feelings don't matter how do I feel about being invalidated how do I feel you know we don't have to do that now the reason we don't have to do that as co-defendants is because we were flat for that type of information our brain is a computer and we can only operate with the data that has been imported into it so it goes back to childhood brainwashing childhood conditioning in so if I am conditioned to not worry about my feelings I'm not gonna know how to worry about my feelings and then I will not have any any any person all internal boundaries I won't know what I'm being violated I won't know that when I asked my husband a simple question and he comes back with your so emotional all your feelings your feelings everyone thinks you're crazy I don't know to stop and ask myself how do I feel about him minimizing me if you've been minimized your whole childhood you know that that's a red flag that's normal that's not so let's do they don't realize it co-defendants are stuck and unconscious programs answers answers will that's all they are that's all they are we are told they are reacting to our external experiences with the tools and the downloads that have been imprinted into our brain until we wake up and become above the valley of consciousness and see the powder we can't change it we are powerless to that which is that is unconscious we have supreme power when we choose to become aware of the patterns and attachment patterns really really important that every every co-dependent gets to a point in their life with the understand that their programs are not them programs or not you I suggest that all of you get yourself a little angel statue and put it on your dresser or nightstand and let it be the first thing that you see in the morning and the last thing you see before you go to bed and may you program your brain to understand that at your core you are divine angel you like a starfish got your no more important and no less important than any tree than anywhere else in any dolphin than any president in any pop star Dannii strongest guy we are all important and all just as important for all part of this whole now the problem that we have is codependent is that we're so far removed from any idea that makes us believe that were worthy and being removed from the idea that we have work is where we fall we fall into that fall into the depths of despair we've become hopeless we become unconscious we don't even know that we have a self we don't even know that we were in the old programs are running the show so people say that codependency is an addiction you know I'm not so sure if I don't know how else to be but co-dependent because that's my experience I don't know how you know I guess it could be considered addiction if I am getting a high when validated and then become addicted to the high when I am finally able to gain validation which I believe happens you know when people are a codependent relationships with a spouse and then they become you know board in a relationship is just the same thing over and over and they don't they don't act on the idea that they can actually make a choice shift and so they stay in the relationship feeling powerless and helpless and then start flirting with the guy at work and then they have an affair and now the text message the validation for the text message to be getting from the guy that they have an affair with becomes addictive that cycle of killing validated outside the marriage in another co-dependent and mesh relationship I can see becomes addictive because then the brain is going to release dopamine and all those funky nice feeling you know hormones in the brain or will get created and neurotransmitters and get secreted and then there will be a reaction to the brain like an addictive response to this validation outside of self but I'm not so short ball you know codependency if all you know is deny self I'm not so sure that that can be in and of itself is considered addictive I can do understand that cycling outside of the original the original co-dependent invest dynamic can be addictive that's just my opinion but for the purpose of this video the goal for me today is to help codependent understand that we're living in states of reactivity reacting to everything that's going on outside of here and we don't have to do that when we are living in states of reactivity that's an indicator we're living an unconscious pattern not our fault the pattern is they're not off all the program is there it's there is nothing we can do about it except rise above it accelerate out of it send out of it day sort of above it look below into the subconscious mind and recognize when we're reacting and then catch it ok that was a reaction that's an old program I saw a validation violated my boundary and I didn't say anything you know and so these are all the ways that we begin to corrupt and break down the co-dependent patterns in Austin very early on and codependency so I feel very very adamant about 12 crew process breaking the co-dependency code in Austin requires us to accept our field we feel and decide to do it the third step of the 123 process is where you will learning to a certain boundaries we don't know how to research boundaries because we never learn to check in with self and so you know if you're married and your wife is pushing you around you don't know it's ask yourself how does that make me feel has made me feel so without the how does that make me feel has made me feel you can ascertain boundary because unless you know that something is making you uncomfortable you don't know to put up a banner saying you don't have to do that because you're not checking himself so all day every day early on and put dependency recovery Healing codependency it's about asking yourself how you feel you go to the deli a few how do we feel that this daily guide how do we feel about the conversation you go to the dentist how they feel about the dentist how do you feel about this astronomical bill how do I feel about the service today how do I feel about the work that he says I need to I believe that analysts were actually get a second opinion what makes me feel comfortable when your adult children come into the house if they're disrespectful it's not about not rocking the boat anymore it's about how do I feel about my adult child walking in here and being disrespectful and I feel about that I don't think I like the way that they feel if I don't like the way something feels 982 flag that as a boundary and about three so what do I do that it that's the money step that's the boundaries that's that's a start to play with boundaries begin to understand the concept of boundaries ok so let's say for instance my adult son comes home and it comes to the home and he's belligerent and he's drinking and you know he's in his heart happy drunk mood not saying this in my experience I'm just using this as an example let's say my son walked in the house and and I could tell that he's been drinking and he's high and you know he's learned his words and I have a dinner party and I co-dependent state will react unconsciously and try to act like everything's ok is not and so I might serve my son of glass of water and try to give him something to eat try to soak up all that alcohol charges may be given a cup of coffee try to soften him up I might say things like all you know what he had a long day at work he has been sleeping you know denial here we go like you know Twilight Zone Twilight Zone rationalization he's not run he just works very hard is never right sweetheart you're just tired right tell everybody how tired you are so silly so you don't feel good just getting over the flu your kid throws up all over her body and I'm tellin everybody's got to blow me while everybody knows he's drunk and high and he's a massive needs help me because I'm living out the unconscious program which is don't confront the alcoholic don't confront the album don't mess up the apple cart don't embarrass don't call it out don't don't tell the true don't tell the truth of all costs don't tell a true try to avoid telling truth try to convince everybody then are seeing what this nation china invalidate my own internal experience in building my own internal experience the kids drunk Musikmesse and now will call to parents to below the belt they try to convince everybody else the kids not drunk he mad mad Maddie Manning and is not a way it's not the right way to let its inauthentic so those of you will find my channel idly have the sense within you that you want to live an authentic life why because when you begin living with them to quite you start becoming the life out of that you really all that you were meant to be you have to transcend these dank energies and the dank energies are all wrapped up in co-dependency and denial when you cannot you cannot live an authentic white if you are co-dependent on something outside of you and I personally believe that could kind of see is the root of all evil I really did and I mean that what I mean by that I mean that when I am co-dependent on anything outside of myself into trouble trouble if I'm co-dependent or -dependent on my husband's approval I'm in trouble is going to take the democrat people if I'm dependent on my child from validation uninsurable I'm just taking her with me down that advil if I'm dependent on alcohol I can't go out with a couple of shots of tequila trouble trouble on dependent on something outside of me to make me feel good if I'm dependent on money if I think I'm you certain amount of money to feel good about myself i'm in trouble trouble because what will happen is I'll chase all treat OJ some idea or some illusion of happiness and I get pulled down the rabbit hole I would check other people who are who are addicted to the illusion that something outside of them or us can make us happy and here we go you go get it gets multiplied now a check that all these crazy people who believe that their happiness is somehow tied up in something is dependent upon something that exists outside of them so yeah I think co-dependency the root of all evil now that brings us to question well what is the definition of codependency now I believe that everyone's entitled to their own opinion and their own definition and I don't think anyone has the right to tell someone else if their definition is right or their definition is wrong this just happens to be my definition I think that dependency speaks to anything that gives us the illusion that we believe in that we are not enough and that we need some our experience to validate us or to make us feel like we're aware that I am dependent on something outside of me to make me feel good about me I am not worthy enough my own self I can't go to a party and just shut up and enjoy the ambiance I can't do that I gotta make sure everyone likes me I have to be the prettiest lady in the room I gotta make sure all the many talking to me that's codependency you're addicted to mend attention that's an issue that's an issue I can't be a man and go to work in the morning without making sure I'm dressed to the nines because I need to believe that everyone else is looking at me and think it on the big kahuna that to me is a problem you know it's different if you know you get dressed in the morning and you're wearing the suit because it pleases you and you are not seeking United playing this game in your head like I know they think of fun I know she wants me I know she'd need to do is pay attention to watch it happen if you're not doing you cool if you're not doing that and you're getting dressed up for you you the coolest cat the room also good for you the problem comes into play when we are playing that game we play well we think we know what other people think and we think we can we can control what other people think so we get dressed because we want other people to think that will call and we think that we know that they think will call if you take the time to sit on a star and looked down at that type of web of thinking you'll be able to see how maddening it is how dysfunctional is and how house so far removed from living in an authentic white that have been thinking in so a lot of people and codependent relationships will find themselves with unhappy me will do things like this all by her car then should be nice to me so here low level of consciousness is a pattern is a reaction so children if I do this than mommy will love me if I do this they'll stop fighting if I do this then she'll have me if I do this maybe should validate me if I do this maybe then finally mom will make me feel like I'm enough if I do this maybe mountain will call me selfish if I do this maybe daddy will take a bad if I do this may be dead and come home if I do this maybe mommy and daddy will get divorce if I do this maybe definitely ball with me if I do this may be identical to my place if I do this maybe daddy will be drunk if I do this maybe he won't hit Miami try to do this if I do that if I do this if I do that so again that is the end Proactive vs Reactive countries programming here we go to break it is to ascend from its spiral out of it as adults we are not powerless we can see the pattern wow I'm gonna buy her car then should be nice to me that's the if I do this validates me if I do this then she'll be happy if I do this and what rock the boat if I do this you don't be angry the problem is the problem is you not being in a relationship has nothing to do with you you've just made this relationship all about the other person that you're trying to control now doesn't mean you're a bad person it just means you're stuck in a pattern and your job on this planet is to wake up and see the light that you are and see the light beam that you are and see how unnecessary it is to be a part of that dynamic anymore lots of lots of people and it's very common with men men think that if I buy heard this then should be nice to me do this for her then she'll be nice to me and what they fail to realize is again repeated again it's worth repeating their not showing up in there in the relationship you're making everything about the female not what lots of females do is they stay I would argue with him and then you'll find pleasure in me do you want your not shown up in the relationship wish you nothing to do with you and you're stuck in a pattern of reacting to reacting to me acting jus you're not living when you're reacting to so the other thing so I wanna again breaking this code of conduct code that is going to be the title of hopefully the next book tickets picked up you have to accept you feel what you feel and establish gonna do about it that's how we start to put boundaries in place acknowledging when we've just been sold just been kicked pay you have to practice feeling now to people in on co-dependent they know what they feel and they're making adjustments throughout the day based on how they feel they're not caught in states of reactivity oh she's upset let me make the federal he's pissed off let me make that better system let me do that for her all my sis 2301 there ya know I'm co-dependent people don't do this they do this highly such a model or less than half to the doctor today huh ok are you available actually mom I'm not you know let me see you know let me call your son and maybe he's available I wish you'd call me like if you would call me like three days ago before I made plans for today I would have been available today we ought to take you to the doctor but unfortunately I'm not available to have a very important meeting that I have to get to let you know let me call your son nasty piece available that's what I'm not co-dependent daughter-in-law does great so now for example an encore dependent person for instance gets called up and said hey you busy this weekend actually I am why would you know my boyfriend wants to take me to take me to the Hamptons this weekend I need someone to watch my kids you know what I really am sorry susan I really wish I could help you but I can't really business weekend good luck with that that's one on co-dependent people do people do they do this sure mom ok no problem whatsoever you need me I'll write you know what I haven't taken a shower area and I haven't eaten since yesterday did you know what let me throw on a pair of shoes and I'll be on my pyjamas but I'll be there right now oh no no worries I'll call my doctor no its fine you need me on there by click and then the door closed all pissed aww baby cabinets damn right click and clack homie last minute you get all the children why she called me and then she shows up ready to go to the doctor that's why because they're reacting in the below the veil of consciousness they're not asking themselves how they feel so do you want to practice how you feel for you up because she needs to go on vacation or whatever was on vacation with her boyfriend and she want you to watch your kids are her dog and do what she will fight card because of parking issues would ever ask yourself how you feel about her asking you what to do practice practice feeling tune in the third thing that I want you to to to improve your writing this down thirty think that's really cool crucial is that we as co-dependency begin developing empathy for the self is so important that you understand that you're supposed to feel what you feel and you were supposed to connect to that loss so part of waking up from codependency is lost and learning how to integrate that lost because you will need to grieve the times in your wives when you are now becoming aware you were present when you were a doormat for people and i can tell you that was a very humbling experience but it was so beautiful because it was one of those those times in my life and I was on my human journey where I started really embracing myself like oh my god you saw like no one ever saw you like no one ever cared you know they are you were hanging Christmas lights it was like 20 degrees and your whole family and in-laws were inside literally drinking hot chocolate and you were freezing and not one of those men came outside said at least you want some help with that not a mother-in-law and father-in-law not your ex-husband nobody cared you know oh my god these so when you were taking care of your friend and cleaning out her closets and you were pregnant like all she was doing was complaining about her husband while you were in their cleaning out her closet for her when she didn't even care like she'd care that you were pregnant she didn't care you were just there to do what she said she couldn't do all those times that that you tried to be nice to her family and and they just kept calling you crazy or they said the result showed that you said they said that you were too much didn't see you didn't care about your feelings all those times you tried to be nice see people and they rejected you all those times you tried to make friends with kids and they will and you can see you then see you part of healing be codependent aspect of self is embracing those experiences that we've had in developing empathy for the faceless all that we used to be very very important on the healing journey is to develop love and compassion for the self then what you do is you can take these young well you can take things like the Bible teaches like the commands for instance you love your neighbor as you love yourself that is so misunderstood it is presumed that you love self first before you love someone else and it is presumed that you love yourself fully before you can love someone else and it is it is suggested is commanded that you love yourself before you love other people it is only when you love yourself and have empathy and compassion for yourself that you can truly love another anyway and so do as I really really it is my intent that those of you who are coming through the veil that has kept you blind to define itself and awakening to the idea that you're co-dependent for those of you who are on that journey and very very early on the journey I really hope that the information that I have provided you today helps ease your your pain and helps bring you the goal is to stay above bosnia programming so the last thing I leave you with is this I want you to imagine that you're on a surfboard and the ocean is completely call so there's the surfboard and which represents the veil ok and there's you and you're on top of the surfboard now below the surfboard in is the ocean obviously and really below the ocean in a riptide and it's always there it's always there is always going to be there your programs in there you're always going to have triggers but the goal is to stay on top of the surfboard and not to fall into the traders and to get caught in a cycle of reactivity ok if you get ever get caught which you probably will on the road to recovery because you human and my ex-husband used to treat me all the time to learn to like shut the cell phone off elected leaders messages not even read them huge huge for me awesome between you want I'm get there but that was me not react not fallen officer for it so I could see the trainer I could see the trainer from sitting on top of the starboard but I refuse to jump into the water and get caught into the cycle and so what you going to do is your moment to try to stay on the surfboard be aware that there's a veil that you can dip into law and order and your goal is to stay on the surface above the veil on the search warrant and not get caught I really little bit this is this has been helpful and I really hope that you are encouraged and is my dearest intent to bring hope back into your heart because those of us who have been emotionally abused her whole life some of us are so hopeless and my journey here on earth is too light those flames inside you again and get you to remember and see and believe that you really are you really are divine being and within you is a lie and I come here just to help you scratch the surface so that you can see that that like really Recovery from codependency does exist namaste dear ones by

Channel: Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc.

Views: 276,056

Rating: 4.9165831 out of 5

Keywords: codependency, codependent, codependency recovery, codependency in relationships, codependency no more, lisa a romano, lisa a romano codependency, codependency healing, recovering from codependency, codependency youtube, codependent no more, what is codependency, codependency expert, what it feels like to be codependent, are you codependent, life, love, self control, healing codependency, codependency symptoms, how to stop craving attention, codependent narcissist, self help

Id: Pv90LrLyMew

Length: 34min 42sec (2082 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 01 2015