Anxious & Avoidant Attachment Explained

hi my name is Kristen Snowden I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of California and also a certified life coach today I'm going to be talking about attachment styles when I'm saying attachment styles I am talking about the understanding of the way that we connect with other people um Esther Perel kind of famously says tell me how you were loved and I will show you how you love meaning if you can explain to me the relationship that you had with your parents your interaction as a childhood with loved ones significant others friends etc I can tell you with a pretty strong amount of accuracy how you love others in your adulthood how you love your partner your significant partner how you interact with friends and co-workers and children etc there's a pretty strong evidence that interactions the trials the tribulations the love the affection or lack thereof that we experienced as a child often shows up in good and bad ways as we continue to build relationships I guess you could say your first relationships are with your caretakers whether our building blocks for how to have relationships and they the strong point and the weaknesses of those initial relationships will show up in our current relationship and we understand how we attached back then we can better understand and see how we connect with everyone in the present day we can understand how and why we tend to select our partners that are attachment styles or understanding of the way that we tend to attach has strong correlation with the success or failures of our current relationships and also when we understand how we attach and the issues and strengths we have around that we can better understand our struggles with vulnerability where our shame is so things that were kind of not so great at doing and things that we are afraid of when we connect and relate and get into relationship with another person and also very importantly is when we explore our attachments we can see our patterns and as I've said in many other videos if you can understand the way that you are doing things in a maladaptive bad not so ideal way the patterns that show up in your relationships right now once you have that awareness you can work towards repairing them improving them kind of cleaning up your side of the street I have a video on love addict love avoidant and oftentimes a lot of my comments from people are relating the love addict and love avoidant to the attachment type struggles that people go through you can interchange the terms love addict and love avoidant with people who tend to have what you call anxious attachment tends to be the love addict and avoidant attachment tends to be the love avoidant now let me caveat all this I struggle with labels because I think the more you label things the more you over generalize things when when people are searching through these videos trying to find answers to a lot of their relational pain and personal struggles and shame and issues and vulnerabilities when you over generalize and label that tends to deter people and go well I don't perfectly fit into that category so I don't get the anxious attachment I don't relate to being a love addict that doesn't speak to me because I don't fit into those bullet points that Kristin said are the symptoms so whenever I'm going into a video where I'm using lots of labels and terms I want you to understand I do my best to share as many experiences examples that I come across to help you relate and connect how your life might intertwine into these lectures but they're imperfect and I'm just going to kind of ask you to pay attention to more the general themes and see how they relate to your life and if any of this stuff speaks to you on that level so when we have adverse childhood experiences we have to really respect the fact that those can vary they can be from his extreme and obvious as being physically abused by any kind of caretaker or loved one or even someone maybe outside like a coach or a neighbor or something like that any kind of sexual abuse where people crossed boundaries and did an appropriate touching to let's say more on the extreme is also addictions where people were using substances instead of kind of being your caretaker and being present for you emotionally and then there's also the emotional abuses where there's name-calling or just lack of validation of any of your emotions I know I've had clients often tell me stories of one day dad died at a worksite and he was there one minute and then he was gone and I wasn't allowed to talk about my sadness about him being gone I um no one asked me about what was going on for me or the struggle I just he was there in my life one minute and then he was gone and so it can often not just even be words that are being said to you in actions that are be done to you but also the absence of something the absence of someone saying let's talk about this that this this painful thing that you just went through what is it like to not have your dad anymore how does that feel and then there's kind of the more under-the-radar things that occur common things are often when let's say there's this over in measurement which I'll get to that when I talk about avoidant attachment which is when a parent kind of brings a child into their adult world emotionally so let's say there was a divorce and mom feels very rejected and abandoned so she spends a lot of her time and energy having um that her children and be her confidante to be her support system you know your dad's such an a-hole and I want you to know what a terrible person he is and I'm so devastated and this is so heartbreaking oh I just really need to talk to you because my heart's so broken and I don't really have anybody else because your dad left me for that other woman or something like that where you kind of get brought into adult emotional stuff when you shouldn't and then there's kind of the much more under-the-radar stuff which is being left at practice for 45 minutes you know I go to that example a lot but people get left all the time as kids you know they get picked up late or you know parents get sick or parents do get divorced and so they have their attention and their time and their energy and other places but because being a child makes you kind of automatically egocentric you often see these shortcomings of your parents these in abilities to either literally be present there or metaphorically just can't really be present because they're distracted and they're doing other things working experiencing illness financial issues etc emotional struggles that they just can't be there for you all of these things from addiction and physical abuse and sexual abuse down to just kind of emotionally absent or maybe physically absent parents or the perception of anything like that can be considered adverse childhood experiences and they are big t traumas and little T traumas that contribute to our attachment disturbances our relational disturbances in life they affect the way that we perceive ourselves and the way we perceive others in this world they can contribute to higher levels of anxiety or depression and I want you to understand that trauma a lot of people get are really reluctant to own that there was any kind of trauma in their life I was one of them who was very convicted of the fact that I have nothing to complain about everything should and should be perfect because I had a great childhood and it's important to understand that trauma is is unique it's personal to every human being and it's very subjective we experience any kind of trauma kind of an Iran that that huge spectrum of big T's to little T's they we struggle our brain struggles to integrate and regulate this information in our physical bodies our minds and our spirit or emotions when you're looking back at your childhood it's important to explore your level of stress and anxiety that you may or may have not been experiencing it's important to know that stress on a regular consistent basis whether it's because you felt physically threatened or there were some kind of sexual abuse or your parents were abusing substances or were very emotional roller-coaster type people that that all kind of raised your fear and that those stresses actually constantly are firing off your amygdala your hippocampus your mid and lower brain which is all where your survival instincts exist your fight flight or freeze if you've heard of that right that adrenaline so it's when anytime something happens in our life where there is the slightest threat experienced that part of your brain is what fires off it takes very little blood flow and oxygen to fire off that instinctive part of your brain it's extremely automatic sometimes we wish we could shut it off because it makes us do some crazy things but it's also what keeps us alive and and regularly having stress and trauma in your life especially during your childhood affects the entire chemistry of your brain what what does take a lot of time and energy blood and oxygen supply is running this front part of your brain which is your prefrontal cortex that's where your language exists and that's where your reason rationale good judgment good choices that's where they all present themselves so it's really tough when you when you're growing up to give you kind of a quick neurological breakdown when you're growing up it as a child and you experience these big t - little C traumas they fire off that fight flat or fight in your brain and it it doesn't automatically without thinking with very little oxygen very little energy output and it takes quite a bit of time and energy to bring it up to the front to fully assess the the threat level to fully understand what's going on why I felt this way what's a good choice that I should make during this timeframe etc and some studies have shown that having or experiencing chronic stress in your childhood or growing up I can actually lead to your prefrontal cortex having less blood flow and also your prefrontal cortex is developing for most of your childhood and that's where emotional regulation and kind of calming yourself down can occur so as you can imagine if there's a ton of stress in your life anywhere from big T's to little T's and you're you know you're mid and lower brain are constantly in fight or flight or freeze mode and it pulls blood flow from your prefrontal you're developing prefrontal cortex you can kind of see how it's it's setting you up for some struggle some biological basic struggles in impulse control good decision-making emotional regulation so being able to kind of stop and really assess your thoughts before you act out on them so one of the really common things with a stressful traumatic childhood comes a limbic system so that survival instinct part of your brain kind of hijacks your prefrontal cortex it automatically triggers it pretty regularly even when you grow up and let's say you put yourself in a safer Jewish in where there's not so much trauma it's they're just ready to kind of activate automatically and take over your good judgment your emotional regulation in your ability to kind of slow things down and see them and assess them for what they really are versus what that back of your brain is telling you what they are so that's really important if you have experienced any trauma to to really process that out and understand it and learn how to kind of break that stuff down I'm gonna say this before I forget one of the most common questions I get all my youtube videos are are you know I identify a little bit with love addict tendencies and I also identify a little bit with love avoidant tendencies is that possible the answer is yes when I'm talking about these type of parenting issues look we don't have identical twins from identical family histories raising us right if you were raised in a conforming environment of a mom and a dad and a married situation or any other version you have to respect that all of these people came from different places different backgrounds have different value systems so one might be more affectionate and loving and maybe a little bit overly a meshed and involved in your life well another parent might be withdrawn and and emotionally held back so the bottom line is that when I'm talking about these attachment Styles you can get these various symptom ologies from one of many different caretakers that were in your life dad may have displayed these types of characteristics when raising me mom might have displayed something totally different so yes these things can be interchangeable they can alter as your life that as you as you journey through life and also most significantly your childhood wounds your attachment issues tend to surface depending on who you are in relationship with so someone in your someone that you are in relationship with may be really triggering your your abandonment issues you know your neglect issues of I'm not enough show me I'm enough and so you really tend to kind of show those anxious tendencies but then someone else might be too smothering to you and too needy to you and that might trigger your avoidant tendencies so again in an effort to not be over generalizing so you feel like these don't fit you in the category that's perfect you know then a perfect box respect that these are all interchangeable because of all these variations who was in your life when you were a child um and what that looked like and who's in your life now romantically in friendships cetera let's start with breaking down various attachment styles let's start with the most ideal the securely attached person so ideally you were born in a safe environment your mom or dad or just too loving or any number of loving and safe people were present telling you that you were valuable that you were worthy they this is the most important part - they basically said I metaphorically I mean they don't literally have to tell you this we love you you're flawed you make mistakes but I love you anyway they keep you accountable they give you boundaries and constraints that you are supposed to operate in and basically say you know go out figure out who you are go do things that you love within these boundaries and constraints that are healthy and we're gonna be here loving you children with a secure attachment see their parents as a secure base from which they can venture out and independently explore the world a secure adult has a similar relationship with their significant other in that they feel secure and connected but they are allowed to kind of move freely in this world they can be ideally in a relationship that is equal so there's no codependence there's no need for one partner to to pull any kind of power from the other because there's this comfort for the two to kind of go out and figure out who they are and I've described that healthy relationship as two whole people kind of enriching both enriching living and breathing thing that is their relationship so that relationship doesn't define them and validate their exists because they already are validated in invaluable in their own individual states but they work to enrich that relationship that they have that that and they're equally responsible to enrich it there is openness honesty that means there is absence of line and manipulation and also the absence obviously of other things like gas lighting power struggles and there's the absence of a deep desperate need to stay in the relationship to validate them and create value for them and the relationship exists because there's a mutual respect and a mutual desire to keep it there interestly attached are defined as one or more caregivers were inconsistent in their ability to be literally or physically or emotionally present with the child with the secure attachment the the child supposed to feel like there's a secure safe base so mom and dad are here they're not going anywhere um and so I can go outside and play and figure out who I am because mom and dad are gonna be in the house waiting for me with an anxious attached person you you kind of never know what you're gonna get so there's these experiences of feeling abandoned or neglected because the parents can't consistently be present so like I said the parents may be going through a divorce and they may need to work 50 60 hours a week just to make ends meet or one may be sick fighting cancer and literally can't be present or mmm one may be an alcoholic or just completely was raised in a much emotionally detached environment so they they are emotionally unavailable to the child these are the types of inconsistency that I'm talking about where the child says you know I have a need I need hugs and kisses and validation and security I need to know that you're there for me emotionally mentally physically etc um so I can go out and figure out who I am but actually I end up spending more of my time and energy instead of figuring out who I am and what my values are my non-negotiables and and figuring out what kind of fills my tank I start spending more time and energy trying to keep you in my life trying to run on that treadmill and and be who I think you want me to be so you stay so you stay here they call it anxious and sometimes like anxious ambivalent or preoccupied because you become more preoccupied so even when like the the parents are present you are loving that hit of like oh they're here they're at my recital but you know dad's leaving on a three-week business trip and he's gonna be gone and you're spinning you're preoccupied and ambivalent about that connection and that presence that he's showing at that moment because it's just like a moment of intensity and pleasure and fulfillment but you're off to the races again trying to keep him present and as you can imagine as I'm explaining this I'm wondering if some of you listening go oh that's how my marriage looks now where I feel like I'm constantly running on the treadmill trying to be what I think this man or this woman wants you know to be a provider to be a great mom or dad to the children to look physically good to be successful in my own terms or what terms I think you want me to be successful in and I spend so much time and energy trying to keep you in my life to get that validation to have you say that I'm enough and say that I'm attractive or a great parent or whatever but it's all fleeting and what tends to happen is that you're constantly looking at the partner to rescue you or complete you and you're trying to seek safety and security but really just ends up kind of being like a clinginess to that partner like a neediness and is often not considered very attractive so they the partners tend to pull away and what is that trigger more abandonment more neglect which causes you to kind of cling more that attachment background tends to be a love addict type person and the general themes is that there's usually this desperation to keep this partner in their life because they are supposed to rescue them they are supposed to validate their existence who are they if not this person's partner because they've been so preoccupied so anxious to keep these attachments hence the term anxious attachment the symptoms tend to be lots of rumination and fantasy that these you know they're gonna finally be enough what is it that I need to do to make this person happy a symptom I tend to find is the anxious attached person tends to be pretty quietly resentful and quietly passive-aggressive because on the outside they're running on the treadmill trying to be everything they think that partner wants them to be but and then so they're just angry that they're not getting what they've been asking for and hoping for although usually the communication is pretty indirect the other attachment that we're going to talk about is the the attachment background or childhood background patterns that make up the love avoidant this is called avoidant attachment so again remember parent one parent could be one way another parent could be another but stereotypically they'll be let's say a father who is not present because he's working in a reason alcoholic or he's emotionally unavailable and a woman a wife or a mom who is who needs that emotional connection you know she's alone everyday with these kids and or literally maybe the husband may be gone maybe he's dead or not present she's a single mom who knows but she'll tend to make her children her substitute partner or maybe even just one child out of different you know various siblings the and there's kind of this deeply confusing thing that this child goes through because in one way they feel very important and special because the the mom will need them desperately again like I said be like a confidant to them to tell them you know you know your father's upset today you know or he's he's coming home he's very angry maybe you and I can clean up the house and make a nice dinner and and then he'll be happy but I need you to be my emotional confidant I need you to to tell me that I'm not and and validate my existence emotionally because I don't get it from my adult partner avoidant attachment is also um the childhood background that also comes with this is you know the darker more extreme version is when there's actual incest or sexual abuse which is where the adult literally makes their child their partner there's a lot of really great YouTube videos out there on this subject because it affects so many people and I would really encourage you to look up some information by any book by Ken Adams or there's some great YouTube videos on Center for healthy sex on the subject is when they call it covert or even sometimes over incest so the consequences of that is if you can remember in a secure attachment the the child feels safe to go out to the world and experience life and figure out who they are so they can replicate that type of model in their own relationship well someone who is from an avoidant attachment background they have this really difficult push-pull where they feel special and they need to be in a relationship because they definitely get high and feel good when they're in a relationship with some someone because you know mom made them feel so attentive and and so so great and so valuable but at the same time you know when I wanted to go out and play with my friends out on the street or I want to go to that college across the country I felt this obligation this duty to instead service a need that I I didn't truly want for myself but I would do it for my loved ones kind of take one for the team and I went to school down the street so my mom could see me more often this is the important part for avoidance just like I said addict love addict tend to be kind of that passive-aggressive quiet quiet resentful people love avoidance avoiding at a CH people tend to do things out of duty and obligation instead of a true genuine desire to do it that basically they they need to be in relationship to feel worthy and validated and kind of useful in this world so there's this obligation in this duty to connect with other people but they do it in this superficial kind of keep everyone at bay so because to be in a truly intimate connection with someone triggers their childhood trauma history of being smothered and overly that kind of yucky feeling of like I just want to go out and play with my friends and and and go figure out who I want to be in life I don't want to be your emotional substitute the avoidant tends to have very strong feelings of distrust with connecting with others anyone who tends to to be have any signs of being needy is a very quick deterrent for them yet the ironic thing is when they acted as the emotional surrogate for their mom or dad or you know caretaker whoever they became very good at connecting with people but it's usually in a superficial way and there's a strong resistance to intimate connection there was this really interesting study done on let's say avoidant attached people who are in that limerence phase I hope I'm saying that right which is basically I call it the Twitter patient phase when you are seducing someone and you're in a courtship and and I there's lots of dopamine and feel-good things going on so that lasts about 12 to 18 months before the dopamine dies down and you're kind of just too flawed and perfect people in a flawed and perfect relationship together and basically the brain for an avoidant person they can do infatuation really well so they can like I was saying where they were like an emotional surrogate to their caretaker they can feign or pretend to kind of do you know deep intense love with someone but really it's kind of the surfacey infatuation not intimacy not into me you see so meaning this is who I am you know this is my good my bad let my light my dark can you love me seeing all that I am and then doing the same thing for another person where you're tolerant of their imperfections and they're good and you guys kind of love each other in spite of your imperfections that's kind of the idea of what happens after eighteen months when the limerence phase and all those feel-good drugs chill out so it's important to understand that an avoidant attached person it does not mean that they don't have relationships at all in fact it's quite the opposite because remember they have been emotionally reinforced to to be in relationship it's just usually done in a very superficial keep you at arm's length kind of thing so these tend to be the avoidant because I'm going to generalize but the avoidance are the ones who tend to struggle with sex addiction porn addiction or just kind of the revolving door of the 12 to 18 month long relationship of you know you're madly in love and then you start seeing all these people's flaws and they're gone or you cheat on them or you just are so kind of brutal brutally unavailable to them that they end up leaving if you want to know more about the way interest attachment people with that background and tend to find avoidant attachment of had these explosive intensely wonderful and then intensely toxic relationships you can see my first video which is the love addict love avoidant cycle and you can understand how you background please into finding that type of relationship pattern so those are the two most common or popular attachment styles there are others and there's others ways to label and categorize these subjects but for the sake of my lectures and my education those cover a lot of my clients and if you can understand oh how they play into your adult relationships like I said please see my first video on love addict love avoidant my website is below I'll link it below as a note 2 I recently changed my website I kind of redid it reorganized it and I actually even changed the title of it it is now wwq stan snowden calm instead of kristin snowden MFT so I'd encourage you to come check it out I would love for you to check it out tell me what you think of it what you like what you don't like about it I am here for you for your education to help and support your journey so I am open to your comments and your thoughts thank you for listening thank you for your time

Channel: Kristin Snowden

Views: 123,391

Keywords: love addiction, love avoidant, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, trauma, childhood trauma, relationships, toxic relationships, kristin snowden, addiction, sex addiction, porn addiction, infidelity, attachment theory, anxious preoccupied, ambivalent attachment, secure attachment, neuroscience of trauma, adverse childhood experiences, codependency, betrayal trauma, pia mellody, boundaries, attchment styles, rob weiss, narcissistic abuse, shame, vulnerability

Id: bOvBTB6G2oE

Length: 37min 58sec (2278 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 21 2017