Understanding Shame to Heal Your Trauma

hello everyone my name is christian snowden i'm  a licensed marriage and family therapist in the   state of california and this is a webinar  for all things related to personal and   relationship growth and healing um through sex and  relationshiphealing.com but also through my site   kristen snowden um and many of you who are present  or listening to this later on um find these videos   because they are you're in a state of crisis  um where maybe your life and relationships have   gone painfully wrong you really feel like  life just keeps happening at you to you um   and you just really feel powerless to assert any  kind of control over what's happening to you so   one of the greatest educational tools aha  moment creating um pieces i share with everyone   is the trauma stuff which i just got done doing  a couple webinars with you on that so look up   um trauma and ptsd and the fear stress state  that will really give you some aha moments   but the other piece that is huge in unraveling  all these pains and hurts and feeling like life   is happening at you and you really want to create  some kind of empowerment and tools to get through   the pain and transcend it to a better place is  understanding how shame shows up in your life in   your relationships in your body etc um because  one of the biggest mistakes i think we make   as humans and we're not really taught this at the  beginning of life we're kind of made to believe   there were this one fully functioning united front  entity called this person you know i have one name   i am one person and one belief system but really  if you watch my webinars and you understand   you start realizing we have all these different  sometimes conflicting systems multi-level systems   in our body um from like our survival instincts  right where we're constantly unconsciously   scanning the environment trying to figure  out what's a threat to us how to stay alive   it's very primal um as someone i heard just  say the other day it doesn't have a calendar   it doesn't have a watch so meaning it doesn't give  a crap if if something bad happened 30 years ago   or what day it is right now or who you are as  a person it just wants you to survive at all   costs and that's its entire system now there's a  little bit more um complexities and multi-levels   to the shame system that we have because that is  another system that completely informs and impacts   who we are as a person it gathers experiences  engagements with other people and it starts   writing stories in our head about how we need to  show up as a person what we need to not say what   we need to not do in order to engage successfully  with this world and ultimately you know survive   these are both the trauma brain kind of as i say  it and the shame brains are very unconscious or   subconscious and they scratching the surface  of those two very subconscious processes   can be very very uncomfortable so most of our  responses because remember humans just innately   move towards pleasure move away from pain when we  want to go into our trauma history when we want to   go into our shame stories our knee-jerk reaction  is that's not my problem why do we need to do this   why do we need to go there that was years ago or  that's not realistic but i want you to understand   there's a whole part of your brain that doesn't  care about those sentences that just came out   of my mouth they're recorded in my body and if  i don't you know brene brown says if i don't   understand what the story is and i rewrite that  story for myself for my own empowerment then that   story is just going to own me and start dragging  me all over the place and and so shame and trauma   if you don't understand where they came from how  they show up in your body the story behind them   and then as we've said in other webinars kind of  write a story of empowerment about it afterwards   you've fully processed it they will own you and  they will impact your physical health your mental   emotional well-being and continue um to rear  their ugly heads in all personal relationships   professional life etc so i'm gonna really ask you  to kind of take the parts of yourself that's like   i don't have trauma my life was great i think  i'm wonderful what do you mean you know it's my   it's my husband's problem it's my part you know  it's this that happened to me is the problem   and i'm just going to ask you to kind of set  those off to the side and explore you know   what if what if i do have shame what if some of  this is showing up so um you look like you want   to say something terry so many clients that come  to treatment that are like i don't have any trauma   but it was so normalized for them so i love  that you're saying just set that aside and   let's just look at this so i'm just engaged so  yeah just come from this discussion about trauma   and shame with a space of curiosity even if it's  just to learn more maybe about your partner and   not yourself this is the hardest topic i teach um  you could listen to podcasts and lectures on shame   every day and still just barely start scratching  the surface i always joke when i talk about shame   that i had to as part of rob's um program i had  to teach this whole brene brown stuff and i teach   to the clients i conceptually understood it and  i could speak it and teach it but it was until   months and months and months all in the effort  of being a good therapist and a good lecturer   and getting a good handle on the material for  my clients so they could benefit from it months   down the line i was like i think i have shame  and i think it's really effing with me um so i   honor the defense mechanisms that don't  want you to go here because this is a really   gross place that we're going to talk about today  but man if you don't understand how it's showing   up in your life in relationships and your feelings  and your body everything um you're not gonna be   able to transcend out of it because there is a  shame resiliency process okay so let me give you   a really quick review there's kind of if you can  think of there's like one huge entity right this   human being that you're seeing right here hi  my name's kristen i have values and goals but   then i also have a whole system behind me that's  like okay but you need to breathe you need to eat   um you know there's also this carnal like you need  to reproduce you need to protect your offspring   these things that are just constantly running at  all costs and it doesn't consult with my values   and who i want to be as a person it's it's like  its own system that's running without any kind   of informing and then we have this executive  functioning brain that tries to like mix the two   and kind of come as like a corporate board where  we're all negotiating and compromising so what is   a the survival system so it's essentially it's  a multi-level system in our body like think of   the autonomic nervous system the limbic system  the amygdala these are like our emotional parts   of our brain fear hunger um anger uh happiness uh  desire urges cravings those are that is what shows   up in the room first and foremost you know we  often say we like to think that we're these high   executive functioning thinking beings but all the  science pretty much confirms over and over again   the first thing that shows up is our feelings  about something do we like it do we not like   it what's bad what's good um it's feelings um  so just keep that in mind we first and foremost   quickly access the autonomic nervous system  the limbic system the amygdala the hypothalamus   and they're constantly scanning our environment  trying to determine the threat level it's there   we don't want to get rid of it it keeps us alive  it's our friend in that way but our foe in so many   other ways um because it's not a hundred percent  accurate in fact it's extremely inaccurate um it's   automatic it's involuntary and it runs with very  little blood flow and the system is not concrete   so meaning we're not born with one exact input  output system it's made to be highly adaptive   so every little thing that happens in our life in  our environment shapes what we consider a threat   are we gonna fight something are we gonna run away  from it are we gonna please and appease it are we   going to um freeze and kind of dissociate and  disconnect and you know go on our phone for six   hours to avoid it this all trains our body to just  work it's constantly adaptive so like a newborn   baby's survival system is constantly trying to  adapt and grow um just as a side thing i've said   this before when the these multi-level survival  systems aren't busy trying to keep us alive   it is running all the other autonomic sorry  automatic involuntary systems like the breathing   the heart rate um digestion immunity responses  um some some sexual and sleeping responses etc   okay so then imagine there's kind of the big  survival system and it's constantly adaptive   and then we have two other systems that are giving  very specific feedback to this huge collection of   data um of like how do i need to move about  this whole world with all these different   people in this world one is the trauma system  which i won't go into extreme detail because i   check out some of my webinars um you can just  look me up and it's just like trauma and ptsd   the autonomic nervous system um the stress fear  anxiety responses in the body but trauma is   essentially a mechanism in our body that anytime  our wiring gets overwhelmed so whatever your your   level of getting overwhelmed is different than  another person's system of getting overwhelmed   but any time it records is like oh this is not  predictable i'm blindsided this is giving me   fear or concern or there's too many uncertainties  and i my neurobiology feels overwhelmed helpless   powerless etc it is going to record into my  brain it's going to rewire and reorganize   my brain and my body and system to be like oh  hold on to this stuff this is potentially very   dangerous and i want you to proceed with caution  um so something really generic i was trying to   think of something that's very like unemotionless  but let's say um a bee sting right you're walking   around out in the park and um a bee stings you  and it's very very painful or let's say even if   you are allergic you know and you have an allergic  reaction to it that's going to record in your body   as for the rest of your life to say bees could  potentially be dangerous when you see one   you know flail your arms like a crazy person  and run away if you've ever been one of those   people at the barbecues right um a really strong  response or if you've never really been stung by   the bee and you're standing by be buzzing by you  you're gonna have a very different nervous system   response to it right so it records and says okay  this is potentially threatening like i told you   your trauma survival system doesn't have a  calendar so it doesn't go oh this happened   eight years ago who cares or oh but no this is  who you want to show up as a person you want   to wail your arms like a crazy person and  run away in the middle of a conversation it   just responds according to the threat um and so  because of the trauma response because of this   survival system we also have a very what we call  negative bias so good fun great things in life   aren't going to kill us so we don't record them  and reorganize our brain system around positivity   sadly that's why we can go to that's why we have  so many floods of bad negative memories um because   that's just the wiring in our brain so then  there's another system so that's the trauma system   and there's another system that's kind of tied  into the trauma and like survival system which   is the shame system these are just my words this  is my observation clinically is how it happens   and if you remember this goes back because we  are neurobiologically wired to connect with   other people so we are innately social beings  we are not healthy safe living our best life   when we're an island we are born and there's  reason so there's a survival mechanism to that   humans when they're born as i've mentioned  in other um lectures we're not like a horse   being born or a spider coming out of an egg or a  turtle hatching on the beach where they're just   what happens they start walking around um some  can feed themselves they're independent they   might not see uh their who spawned them ever  again and they're 100 independent that is not   a human being a human being when we are born  newborns are like these little blobs that with   like a giant head and like little whaley scrawny  arms and so we have strong neuro chemicals and   strong wiring in our body due to survival to have  strong attachment with the other human species   around us so we have these things called oxytocin  serotonin and these are strong wiring saying   keep other humans in your life we seek um like  pushing on our chest like comfort you know when   a baby's crying and hurt we have that innate  drive to hold them and pull them closer um   when a child is lost in the mall they're not  kind of kicking around going oh i hope i find   my mom one day no they're in panic and they're  in deep fear because losing that connection   might as well be a threat to their life okay so  shame exists because we are a highly social being   shame cannot happen to species who are not social  um trauma can happen just be right because like   they'll still avoid danger and run away but if  they are not wired to want to connect with other   human beings and have that connection be so strong  that to not have it will trigger i'm going to die   that is what shame is about so the couple  sound bites i give you to tell you what   shame is as long as we have that wiring  to want to connect with other human beings   we will have a constant equal pushing force  against us saying what if you're not enough for it   so why why would we have such an antagonistic  you know hurtful story going on in our head   um there's no kind of real science to prove  why we have shame but there's a lot of like   anthropologists socialist psychologists that  have kind of said well okay look we know for   a fact we're wired we have lots of feel-good  hormones that come out when we're in connection   we also know human babies can't survive without  people we have this innate drive to connect with   others we can't survive without them and by the  way we don't just need we know for a fact we   don't just need food and water from others to  survive we need physical touch we need eye contact   we need close proximity those all usually create  a safety system in our neurobiology saying this   is good that oxytocin comes out the serotonin the  dopamine says this is good keep this in our life   so um where why do you think we have such this  this dark kind of story that's like okay well i   want this so desperately i want human contact  but what if i'm not good enough for it um and   i kind of theorize that this world is so  vulnerable like i'm just this like raw   breakable being that's walking through this  world i don't have to sell it anymore about   how vulnerable this world is it's you know right  now it's june 2022 and we have been through so   many acts that are out of our control it's it's  hard to get up out of bed sometimes it's hard to   have normal conversations with people sometimes  it's definitely hard to look at your phone or   turn on the tv sometimes because what is that  it's just evidence all day every day of how much   vulnerability we're experiencing we are  powerless to pandemics to geopolitical events   and then in the micro world we are powerless  to whether or not my husband wants to stay   married to me if my teenage daughter hates  me or doesn't hate me right these are all i   could be the best therapist i could try to  be and someone could still just not like me   you could think this lecture sucks right now this  is all out of my control well guess what the brain   does not like that story the brain seeks out  predictability i want to know no no don't give   me the oh it's the gray area and i could be both  a good therapist and a bad therapist it says no   screw that i need to feel like i can assert some  kind of control in this crazy vulnerable world   and the only thing i really have control of is  this brain right here controlling this body so   guess how i'm going to try to control you i'm  going to tell you for every bad scary thing that   every trauma thing that happens in this world that  you witness or you experience i'm going to tell   you you could have asserted some control over this  i'm going to tell you that if you were a kinder   gentler therapist because guess what there's  a lot of history about you having harsh words   you sometimes being mean and you know you  bulldozing instead of being empathetic so   i'm going to record that in your brain and  i'm going to take you out to tell you if you   the reason why that person doesn't like you  as a therapist is because you're a bad person   and you need to knock that stuff out because if  you don't act better in this way you're going to   lose that connection with other human beings and  then remember losing connection with human beings   equals death as far as our neurobiology goes right  it goes harkens back to the past so what is shame   it is an unconscious fear of not being enough i  want this so much what if i'm too screwed up for   it um being unworthy of love connection acceptance  validation this is too broken it needs too much   it asks for too much it has too many feelings it  has too much trauma um it has too many reactions   and shame is all about this is the important  part about shame is that it is a social context   so if you really want to get down to what shame  looks like in your life you go really quickly   to a basic concept which is how do i want to be  perceived by this world so let me just quickly   show this sheet and i will have this on my website  under free resources but the really quick way to   identify shame triggers or what shame is and  how it shows up in your life is to be asking   yourself these really basic questions which is  how have i worked my whole life to be perceived   right these are my ideal desires identities and  characteristics this is how i've tried right that   the this hair this makeup this shirt like this has  all been about asserting something to this social   context right all you people about how i want to  be perceived by you these are my ideal desires   and identities um my shame is in the unwanted  part how have i worked my whole life to not   be perceived right i want to look put together i  want to look professional i want to look like i'm   competent um so i communicate in a certain  way i assert myself in a certain way   um so this is a really great sheet to kind  of help you start the understanding of   what my shame voices are because all of our shame  voices are very different because remember it's   just like our trauma it is it is shaped and  organized around experiences we directly had or   things that we witnessed other people go through  right i could be afraid of being considered lazy   or incompetent not because anyone ever directly  said kristen you're lazy or incompetent but maybe   i watched my parents or teachers make fun of  lazy and incompetent people or i watched a kid   get bullied because they looked a certain way or  they act a certain way holy moly that is a strong   mechanism in our life to cause us to change  our behavior and you know brene brown says   shame will initially change someone's  behavior right because they'll feel   so overwhelming it's a visceral experience you  know rene brown says if i put you in an mri that's   like where they scan your body and brain and  i stabbed you right so where you feel all the   feelings of pain and fear and all that if i put  you in an mri and i stabbed you with a knife   and then i put you in an mri and i shamed  you your body would light up in the same way   but the big difference is is shame is this  really deep dark story that if it's that we   think when we're experiencing it because it's kind  of back here not in the rational part of our brain   that it was our fault we're the problem it's  so uncomfortable that a we don't even want to   acknowledge that it's happening so it's very  unconscious it's very intangible but the other   thing is we tend to not want to share it we we  keep it secret we don't want anyone to know i was   just doing a workshop the other day and um someone  in the workshop was saying her mom was saying oh   we take all that stuff and we put it in a box and  we don't we don't talk about it you know because   it's it's bad it happened but it's over but all  the science is showing this stuff doesn't go away   if you don't understand what the full dark  story is that you were kind of telling yourself   it's gonna show up in every other way that  trauma shows up when it's not worked out right   um really strong emotional responses  when you don't mean to have them   passive aggression direct aggression shame is  at the core of addiction right because it's like   i don't know how to self-soothe myself so i'll  go to my acting out behavior and then of course   it just feeds more oh if people really knew me  what i was doing the lies i tell the things i do   they really wouldn't love me and so i get  stuck in this dark dark cycle so there   is um a shame resiliency practice i'm gonna maybe  save that for our next webinar to talk about that   um in a nutshell though what you really really  need to know is that um as long as i'm wired   to want to connect with other human beings i'm  always going to have this kind of little red flag   that almost collects data all day every day  trying to tell me that i'm not worthy of love and   connection we all have it the only species that  don't have it don't have the capacity to love and   connect and feel empathy and connection with other  human beings and strangely and similar to trauma   the only way out of the really uncomfortable  experiences and hurt and pain that gets stored   up and locked in our body like trauma does you  know and shame does the same thing the only way   to transcend that is to really understand kind  of almost like what i was showing in this chart   which is okay this is how i worked my whole  life to be perceived this is but then maybe   this happened you know someone made fun of  me or i watched other people get made fun of   or maybe you know with appearance and body image  maybe i'm getting older and i'm gaining weight   and then i'm finding that i'm writing this  story that oh no i'm that whatever that   unwanted identity or characteristic was how  i've worked my whole life to not be perceived   now people are going to view me as x y and z and  then before i know it if i don't work that stuff   out and by the way figure out the origin of that  perception did the culture tell me this story   where did i get the story that i need to look  this way to be considered competent smart   um trustworthy likable um someone that you want  to be your friend so someone who i want to make   is my friend where did i get these stories  from who gave them to me did someone tell   them directly to me did my mom tell me them  did the tv programs i watched tell me them   and then the other thing that you start doing with  with these this exercise when you start peeling   the layers about these shame stories you kind  of collected through your life is the complete   madness of it all um so it's i think i was talking  to some uh some of the workshop people about okay   well i want to be perceived as like emotionally  stable because right betrayed partners have been   thrown through a loop and they're in such a trauma  fight flight free state that they have strong   reactions they cry they're in pain right but if my  shame voice is that oh well who could love me if   i'm not emotionally stable and i want to work  really hard to not have such an emotional response   i'm just giving this as an example i'm  going to experience shame but the truth is   these have been horrible things that have happened  or being angry and responding that way might help   you with boundary setting and consequences  to your partner that like the things you're   choosing to do the lies you're telling the  behaviors you're engaging are hurting me and   this is what it looks like when you've hurt me um  and this is a normal feedback loop system that can   be productive in helping the relationship change  um you know get out of unhealthy patterns etc so   sometimes you'll find these shame voices that  kind of like tie your hands um and stop you   from showing up in an authentic real vulnerable  way are are completely unproductive um so the   antithesis of shame right of this fear of what  if i'm not enough is is believing like okay maybe   what if i screwed up or if i'm imperfect but  i'm still innately lovable like i am valuable   i might get angry but i still love i might screw  up but i still love and deserve to be loved um   and then there's just this like source of value  which again that that is all a deeper dive into   like the therapy psychology world but you  can't even start talking about the shame   or are navigating through it and starting  as shame resiliency practice from it without   even knowing that it exists so hopefully that  exercise i provided you can help set you down   the path to start kind of scratching the surface  of your shame um and then next month we'll kind   of talk about the shame resiliency practices and  that's it great information and i was like those   little boxes like you need a page you know for  those yeah i just wrote something the other day   about um uh that society does not believe women  should be angry so when you're talking about   the emotional stability it was like over  90 percent of people thought that it was   not okay for women to display anger and i was like  wow like you we can't even be our authentic self   but you know if that is society and we were raised  with that i was thinking too when you're talking   about the how you have to put all the negative in  a box because it happened in the past and shove it   in a closet but i think it's like the pressure  cooker that you know it's always underneath   the surface it doesn't go away you know and the  unresolved stuff is what you know turns around and   and bites us and particularly for  addicts and that unresolved stuff   is the stuff that helps us be compartmentalized  and continue to act out you know because we   we don't we can't deal with those emotions  that would be you know un unladylike or on it's like you're asking me to run a  marathon and i've not even walked a mile   yeah yeah yeah so so i think um i thought it was  interesting too when you were talking about um   the pain of like uh uh the physical pain and the  trauma pain you know on the mri like did not have   a clue that that lights up the brain in the exact  same ways but but if you know like that's a very   real visual of like okay getting stabbed and  trauma is is to my brain the same thing so yeah   well given i was gonna add um i meant to say this  and i forgot but really ask all of you that are   listening if i gave you the choice between  breaking your arm so a physical pain trauma   or breaking your heart by some kind of event  what would you choose because the breaking the   arm is the trauma part but the breaking the  heart because it's a social exchange that's   the feeling and the fear of being disconnected  abandoned rejected unlovable that stuff lasts   right and that really that example in  my opinion helps you understand trauma   kind of has like a beginning middle and end  but shame can just stretch out forever in this   like deep dark storyline um and that's usually  what makes it last beyond if that makes sense   yeah no well it does and you know in talking to  partners who are like he left me the addict those   that say he's the addict she's the partner he  left me and he left me a year and a half ago and   it's like what's wrong with me so you you know  so the shame message is still there's something   wrong with me even though clearly his you know  his behavior he's an addict he's you know he's   not living in the in the real world you know he's  but but still the partner is experiencing that you   know unfortunately you know on a deep level when  it really isn't about the partner it really is   about him but you know but she's been traumatized  by it so okay i will put in the chat um kristin's   website too where you can find that um that work  sheet but so kristin the first question is as a   betray partner i recently recognized the trauma  bond between my husband and i he's a recovering   sex and porn addict almost a year from d-day i'm  feeling the shame of not realizing we were trauma   bonded in the beginning of our relationship i can  look back and see the red flags but i ignored them   out of desperation to connect i think how do i  reconcile this shame and how do i work through it   right this is really a great question to kind  of continue on what i was going to say which is   um remember if the shame has been wired because  what happened to you was so overwhelming and so your body was so traumatized by it its options are  to either put you in the fetal position and have   you never go back out and do this world again or  to write some story about it that it's your fault   that you should have known you should have seen  the scenes you were too broke right and you see   that your brain is kind of trying to help you  right because it's not gonna you're not gonna   survive if you stay in the fetal position and just  give up on humanity entirely so it kind of picks   the lesser of two evils but you still see that  that shame story that it's had you write in your   head that you should have known that you had a  you know an unhealthy part pattern of engaging   with your your partner and you know we have a  hard time with the whole betrayal bond because   that can sound a little blaming and shaming but  let's just say retrospectively you could see that   you missed opportunities to hold boundaries maybe  you struggled with identifying what was going on   inside you and communicating it maybe he was doing  the same thing but see what i'm saying right now   to you is kind of more of the reality not this  paralyzing painful story that you should have   known you could have prevented it um that's just  that brain trauma shame response that's trying   to keep you protected it's saying that story to  you out of fear of oh my god i gotta keep her out   of this and so what if i just tell her that it's  her fault if she'd known if she'd done better if   she'd been better none of this would have happened  but the way that you kind of reconcile this shame   is a know that it's happening right and you're  you're doing that you're hearing that story   in your head and then you really kind of have to  reality check it because shame and trauma aren't   in the rational part of your brain this is where  you reality check right i said there's no calendar   and there's no like this is too christian supposed  to be in life and this is who i want to show up   that's where this is in your executive functioning  so you need a reality check that how could i have   known really and then sometimes there's there's  some truths in there that you can learn from it   where you can be empowered like again it's god i  didn't even know that there was such thing as sex   and porn addiction now that i know what it looks  like now that i know what my husband would say oh   i don't even know about gaslighting now i know i  did have instincts and i would come up to him and   i would say what is going on why are you pulling  away from me you seem to be so quick to anger   i was picking up that like things weren't good but  then he just gaslight me by saying god you're so   sensitive or you know maybe if you'd stop nagging  me um i wouldn't push you away um or wow you seem   really secretive with the computer so the process  of understanding a building a shame resiliency   practice which is a recognizing urine shame  right the story that you're telling yourself   contextually critically where it came from right  what happened is it true is it not where did   i get this story from um is it productive or  not how is it making me feel and then there's   this other process because you know me i'm all  about groups right tammy it's reaching out to   other people just like you're doing it right now  you're saying this out loud we're talking about it   and hopefully it's turning this on and you're kind  of putting it through a more realistic litmus test   a a more accurate tester of of what we're talking  about here right because because i think i hope   you understand that shame and trauma aren't  necessarily accurate they're they're just made to   be wide swaths of like this looks bad this looks  dangerous you look bad you look dangerous um and   then you're supposed to be putting it through a  more critical contextual filter system um so that   is as you um recognize that it's happening you you  reality check in kind of where did this come from   what's right what's not right um reach out to  others and talk about it hopefully they're people   who can sit with it not judge you or not judge the  situation just say well that doesn't make sense   how would you know you know you were 18 you're  just doing what you had role model to you like   you didn't know about gaslighting until now and  then once you learn gaslighting you actually are   quite phenomenal about identifying how it shows  up um and then just kind of talk about the shame   what it feels like where you feel it in your body  um the story of empowerment around it right so i   didn't know it then i do know it now now that i  know better these are the boundaries i've set etc   and it because i hope if you watched my previous  webinars there seems to be this underlying theme   across the board that whatever happens to you  shame trauma hurt physical pain relationship pain   the ways to transcend out of it healthily are very  similar which is you have to be able to identify   that it's happening you know no more living in  denial no more minimizing it no more saying you   know there's children starving in africa you have  your own life and your own pain and it must be   acknowledged and validated then find yourself a  group or a therapist or somebody who can help you   validate it right you don't need an award  or anything but just i hear you that sounds   very painful um you know you you were doing your  best giving you contextual understanding and then   creating some kind of story of empowerment around  it or after it so now that i know better i'm   going to do better i didn't know then but i know  now i learned this i learned that i have these   deep connections with other people i now have  a capacity i used to be so judgmental because   i didn't realize this level of pain and now i  don't judge and that's expanding my capacity   for connection with other people whatever  but that's generally the process through it   yeah i mean i i talk to partners all the time  who do the you know like the shame of you know   how did i not know and i'm like when you said i  do you did not know you know like you said i do   to a partner that you thought was trustworthy had  your back was and you did not know that in year   whatever you were going to have d-day and you were  going to find out all of these things there's no   owner's manual that tells you how to do all of  that so i agree with kristen that it's about um   understanding and identifying and moving forward  but not shaming about you know oh i should have   known no and dr rob's prodependence is you know  you love someone who's got some brokenness you   love someone who's but you have the capacity  to love that person you see the good   you know too so you know it isn't all black and  white you know he's all bad and he's got some   problems and brokenness and some behaviors that  are highly problematic and hurtful absolutely   but you still have the capacity to you know care  about this person um and that doesn't make you pathologized you know yeah you know like it  isn't about your inability to see all the red   flags you know it's so so um i love what kristin  shared about you know finding the connection and   support to move forward but you know i'm so  glad you're here asking those questions too   next question married for 12 years i found out  my husband's sex addiction 11 years ago he goes   in and out of active addiction he can't seem to  get into recovery i do groups almost every day   have a csat working with myself  constantly my husband goes off to one   twelfth step a week and sees a csat on and off  so my question is i have shame and fear about   being divorced i'm just noticing that  it is stopping me from getting a hard   boundary that i will not work on my marriage if  my husband does not take his recovery seriously   how do i get past that because i feel like i'm  going to have oh i feel like i'm going to have   a nervous breakdown if i don't set that boundary  soon thank you for the hard work you guys do so   you are already doing it because you already  are identifying that it exists and that's a   tough sentence to say that my shame and fear  and judgment around being divorced or whatever   whatever that means to you is stopping you from  your self-care is stopping you from putting   yourself in a safe situation from asserting i  am good enough to ask for these things to be met   and it is okay for me to be angry or want to  move away from you or have space from someone   who continues to say um yeah i nod to your face  and say i'm going to do better and try better and   then i go out and end up just doing whatever  i feel like um you know even though i've had   again the tools the awareness the opportunities  to make the changes and of course that's his own   stuff but nonetheless because our brain is wired  to say oh no i could assert some power over this   i could change this i can love him in a way that  would make him stop doing this et cetera you   need to work with that c stop but it sounds like  you already are to really write down um how do i   want to be perceived what what does it mean if i'm  divorced what does it mean right it's if i ask for   his needs to be met or if i ask hey i need you to  do this or i'm going to have to ask you to leave   then i'm going to have that worst fear in  my head reinforce that he doesn't love me   that he right i mean because the truth is is  that he's just in his own darkness and his   own inability to see the light from the day but  we will write that story as it's our fault or it's   evidence that we weren't enough but nonetheless we  have to go there first we have to speak it we have   to say it we have to you know talk it out with our  therapist often it will come from other fears and   evidence of our history of not feeling enough um i  did another i did a webinar a while back to about   how shame does get in the way of us setting  boundaries that fear of if i if i assert myself   if i say what i need if i am vulnerable and  authentic and show up really the next thing   you're going to say is like oh no no i see you and  i know what you need and want and i don't want it   um and so then that's going to just be complete  irrefutable evidence according to our trauma   brains that we are unlovable but you need to seek  out evidence otherwise i am guessing that you have   through all your recovery work you've  met some really great other people   you're csat your groups of people that will  remind you this particular man may not do   what he needs to keep you safe and to validate  and respect who you are and what you need um   but there's probably a lot of other people out  there that strongly value you um it's painful   that's why we don't want to go there because  it's just like getting stabbed um like i said we   probably choose the stab or the broken arm over  this path because it's that that that painful   um but you can see your nervous breakdown your  your body is keeping the score there is a toll   there are physical consequences if if you don't  work through this and push through the pain   i think someone or hershey just adds push through  or work through the pain i mean that's just   semantics it's however you understand it but what  i'm trying to say is it has to be acknowledged   um just because we feel pain and discomfort  doesn't mean we move away from it entirely   we kind of have a full understanding like i  always use the metaphor when we experience   pain our knee-jerk reaction so like if we touch  a hot pot um and we burn ourselves that pain   is is teaching us something right um and i we  i think we initially pull our hand away and say   oh i'm never gonna touch that hot pot again  it burned me but really when you pull your   executive functioning you turn it on you go well  no you still need that hot pot you gotta cook and   you just you need to do it better you need you  know it's telling you you need to not touch a   hot pot with a bare hand you need to bring in  these tools and and help you with this process   so push through or work through whatever but pain  we usually want to kick it out and say get away   from me i'm just going to avoid it at all costs  but i'm saying you need to kind of sit in you know   glenn and doyle always says payne's a professor  when it comes knocking at your door you need to   like invite it in and start asking it questions  and figuring out what it's trying to tell you   so okay my partner is so full of shame that even  the slightest conversation regarding it sends him   into anger this prevents him from beginning  recovery because his reaction when discussing any   issues is strong denial any advice on how to  talk about it without making him feel defensive   i want to know is tn a 12-step group of other  addicts because 12-step meetings and recovery work   is all about shame resiliency not all about  but partially about it because what are they   doing every day they're showing up to a bunch of  people who've blown it and screwed up and lied and   manipulated in the same way they have and they're  sharing their stories and they're having people   they're taking their numbers they're hanging  out with them they're having talks with them   and they're learning oh i can share what i've  done and how i've blown it how i've screwed up   and they can still want to hang out with  me they can still be friends with me   and that's all a shame resiliency practice so i  wonder if your partner sorry you didn't say a man   or woman so i wonder if your partner is practicing  those shame resiliency things outside of your   relationship that would be helpful um because  kind of a precursor and like a muscle builder   for your shame resiliency practice advice on how  to talk about it without it making him feel um   defensive my number one defensive thing is to just  always say you know when i mention this to you   i see you shut down or i see you get really angry  um how can i help share this thought or feeling   without you being angry you know or what's the  story that you have going on in your head well   the story i tell you i can't do anything right  i'm never gonna do no i that's not there there's   many things that you've done right this this  particular thing really hurt me so how can i give   you feedback on what really hurts me so that you  can do better without you just kind of generally   taking it on as like evidence of how terrible i  am so i i get really specific it's like what's   the story you're telling yourself about it  what i just said what did you hear me say   this is this is what i'm you know when you  do x y and z this is what i hear um a lot of   it's role modeling and then i always come from  a curious place curiosity remember keeps you in   that executive functioning um help me understand  why you're so angry what did you hear me say   and that brings it up to the conscious surface  okay next question as a recent graduate from   our treatment program seeking integrity i  discovered that bullying my from my brother   had a significant impact on my adult life i am  learning to try and repair the damage with my   betrayed partner but one of the facts i learned  pointed out by dr rob was i never had a chance   uh to do to the extreme bullying by a brother he  identified as a sociopath so i am in the quandary   of spending huge amount of effort to repair  the damage i have done to my partner but i   don't know how to repair or address the damage  done to me as a little boy and not blaming all   my past trauma on today's poor decisions right  um this is a common um kind of dynamic that we   find right um the lying or hurtful behavior  uh or manipulative behavior doesn't usually   start like just with your married partner it it'll  have been learned or role modeled or experienced   elsewhere at another time so it's a delicate  process of almost when we're healing with our   betrayed partner right our most immediate upfront  primary relationship that's triaging right that's   kind of at the core it's like stopping the hurtful  behavior um but then also trying to work to repair   the relationship with my betrayed partner you  know trying to say what i mean mean what i say   um but then there's also underneath that is is  healing you know the wounded child the trauma that   i've experienced all those shame voices all the  trauma that i was talking about those things come   with time and they can sometimes come as you're  healing with your partner because i'm telling you   most of the betrayed partners want to know  you have a full contextual understanding of   why you did what you did um and how you're  going to work to never do that again   and that's essentially the process to healing  your shame and trauma right identify exactly   what happened that what triggered the shame which  triggered the trauma and where it came from and   the story of empowerment that you're gonna have  from now on so what i'm trying to get across to   you is the the process for you healing your  shame and your trauma is very very similar to   the process of you trying to heal the wounds  and the betrayal with you and your partner   um because he or she just wants to know you know  what caused it you know the tools to prevent it   you know how to talk about it freely and openly  because then i can start feeling safer and   understand that there's that this is a new person  it's not the same one that's going to hurt me or   lie to me or relapse et cetera um and it can  happen kind of at the same time but of course   once the dust settles i always encourage everyone  to do some trauma therapy like i've said other in   other webinars emdr ifs internal family systems go  back and really go into these past situations and   kind of clear them out kind of excavate them so to  speak i also on kristensnowden.com i always have   live small work groups where we do work more  in on this topic of uncovering your shame um   and uncovering trauma i have betrayed partners  groups and a lot of helpful resources on kristen   snowden.com and then i also on my youtube channel  um if you subscribe or join mailing lists to the   kristinstone.com or my youtube channel kristen  snowden there's a lot of free accessible resources   there as well uh so i i hope you enjoying it and i  put in the chat kristen snowden.com is where that   worksheet is k-r-i-s-t-i-n snowden s-n-o-w-d-e-n  dot com you'll find it there so okay so thank you   again kristin we'll see you next month so she's  the second uh wednesday of the month um next week   will be eddie caparucci um but uh that uh and  then troy love is attachment point so um okay   okay thanks everybody thank you everyone  thank you for joining i'll see you next month

Channel: Kristin Snowden

Views: 2,948

Keywords: codependency, healthy versus unhealthy relationships, shame resilience, brene brown, addiction recovery, attachment wounds, avoidant attachment, love addiction, prodependence, divorce, infidelity, shame shields, perfectionism, 12 steps

Id: n_vNmQ_pkKU

Length: 53min 9sec (3189 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 21 2022