Anand Rathnam Joke Compilation | Stand up Comedy

yeah 27 my house they asked me to get married and [ __ ] like get married and I don't want to you know why you know why because the way my parents try to convince me sounds too good to be true man it sounds like that spam mail you get from Nigeria you have won 20 CR rupes marriage sounds like you see that because you know why because all of us get the offers but if you take it too seriously someone else has your account number now now they are spending all the money and after sometime you need legal help please can you get me out of this I can't buy my own jeans marriage s and I'm not ready for marriage I'm not you know how I figured out that I'm not ready for marriage last month something happened I got a call from one of my seventh standard classmate after 13 years yeah and I realized something that day that it's such a great feeling to talk to your old school friends unless they very successful if they are making a lot of money and you're just making bad Life Choices should not pick that call then it feels like depression home delivered so it feels like like I didn't feel like he called me I thought my own insecurities called me hey an by the way you still don't have a real job and you're 27 no girlfriend also have a nice day bye his name is Akash he lives in the US has his own startup he's earning like 10 lakh a month kind of salary and he's telling me on the phone bro remember those good old days when we used to Bunk classes and have chai and samosas I'm like I had that [Music] today his beautiful past was my evening snack like have you been so broke you can't afford Nostalgia that's a line below below poverty line you [ __ ] P me off and the worst part is I like chai and zza something that he looks back I look forward to Ping out that's the thing man I know I'm telling you only rich people can have Nostalgia poor people have [Applause] history it's all you have [ __ ] history it's what it is I I was too piss dude my me and Akash were such close friends in eth standard we saw our first Pawn together so close here now this guy is talking about hooking up with other women I'm still watching Pawn [ __ ] depressing I don't know at what moment the road just went apart you know at what Junction I took a left turn and he went straight have you heard that poem The Road Less travel yeah sometime you shouldn't take this road there is no [Music] Road it's a [ __ ] Forest you get lost there and yo Robert Frost what to do he's like sorry but poem ended now you f it out dude I was damn depressed like I knew I was depressed you know why because the moment I cut the car for some reason I was sitting by the window like this like a Disney princess when will my prince come there like a Taylor song playing in the back so I felt like but I telling you that day was bad dude it was very really bad until that day actually turned out for good you know why I got a match on Tinder [Applause] you're not going to like how the S got a match on like [ __ ] I so really pretty girl I was like [ __ ] dude I think it might you know something good is happening today and she we spoke for like hours and she's said you know what let's catch up for a beer like [ __ ] let's meet on a date and I thought it's going to be a great date but I [ __ ] up on the date as well actually I [ __ ] up on the way to the date yeah I made the mistake of buying those sunglasses you get for 100 rupees have you seen those yeah like only if you look closer you can see it's a Roy ban it's a rayan that went to a Bengali government school it's a communist Rand cares for the poor people and I bought the shades I went for the date and the girl looked at me and she was also impressed she was like hey nice shades dude you have I'm like thank you so much can I see them from a distance you can't come close we went to have beer I took all the shades put in my pocket a stock to her for 2 hours actually not even talking floating with her for 2 hours after 2 hours she actually said hey do you want to come over and chill I was like sure and as you leaving I took out the shades to wear them again without realizing one of the glasses fell in my pocket and I [ __ ] wor the shades with full swag looking like Nick Fury from Avengers she looked at me like I'm some South Indian pirate know Captain Jack subani pirates of the kanyakumari so it felt like I felt bad for her dude I actually did you know why because it's like I saw disappointment with two Instagram filters normal poverty so it felt like and I felt you know why I felt bad because this was two hours of hard work trying to convince the girl dude she said come over I almost toyed the flag and then I died like Mario you know how that felt like imagine your office you're giving like an amazing presentation for 2 hours you get off the stage and then your friends told you dude your fly was open because then you know nobody paid attention to the presentation in fact you are the presentation with every moment like d d you get out the they're like what Ma today green h they like dude I was talking about where I see this company in 5 years today we saw you were [Applause] Rupa from now on your Rupa rames your name and I knew at that moment the date was over it's so you know why because for women it's a big deal right seeing your man buy fake [ __ ] it is but not for this girl let's go for a sweetheart you know why because she laughed at me for 10 minutes she called her friend said dude you're a guy got Roy band dude can you believe that created a WhatsApp group Roy bandor she laughed at me for 10 minutes and then she showed me her bag it was Gucci with a single C I'm like my true love does exist next day get your cond the whole thing is like I'm single I spent a lot of time getting apps and this is something very funny happened to me like I match with this girl okay I did and the problem was that she was pretty yeah I don't like it when I match with a pretty woman I don't because I'll tell you why cuz when you match with a pretty woman you know that you have a limited amount of time to impress her you do like you know because you are because you know there is a huge queue and there is no tatkal and all nothing of that sort so you have like I feel like whenever I match with a pretty girl I feel like I'm standing in front of her and she's sitting on a danan like with Jasmine flowers on her wrist just looking at me like you know so I feel that that's true like you know and that's the thing you have to impress her very fast before she moves on to the next candidate it is true like we all are swiping she's recruiting when you m when I match with a pretty girl I imagine I'm on an episode of shock tank sir this penis is my startup I want 20% you know I'm looking at it so I match with this girl and I know it's Bumble so the girl has to send the first message so and she sent a very thoughtful message dude hi that's it that's it I know like why would she put effort no God put the effort for her so she said hi and I know I have to say something to get her attention and I have to say something but I couldn't come up with anything but so I did the dumbest thing I just looked at hey uh I can guess your name yeah not the smartest thing to tell her no girl is ever impressed by that actually if you tell a girl's name correctly she'll be like should I file the affair now or later I think I know this guy from college you know that's the thing and I understand why women are on the back foot with dating apps I get it like you know some men have ruined it for all of us they have like I know some men like if you left F them on tnder they will find you on Instagram and DM you you know hey I saw you on tnder you have nice hair just wanted to tell that bye they put the effort and like if it's seen they're like I'm still here and I think the main problem with men in general is that we try to make every app into a dating app LinkedIn know zato yeah like you don't believe me just go leave a food review confidence just leave a foot revie some guy will comment totally agree where do you look dude I'm not even getting I had a friend okay she went to a shop she used Google pay to pay the next day she got a message on Google p and I just wanted to ask this guy like dude how hopeful are you like I know love blooms everywhere but not on a payment transaction app and I wanted to ask this guy like like what if you hit it off like what if you guys started dating tomorrow you'll go out people will ask you so where did you guys [Music] meet how can you tell you kind of like you met on Google p okay by the way how did you know that she was the one she had a lot of scratch cards I love scratch cards so I understand you know I understand why like women are on the defense with dating ass but I said it like an idiot like I can guess your names I was ready for a rejection but this girl replied same with that pretty girl attitude fine you have a you have three guesses go for it and when she said three guesses I immediately understood that this has happened before some other guy tried it and he failed miserably so she's like you take three and here's the thing so I just I didn't know I just looked at her profile and I saw the first photo and I analyz I'm like hey her letter was G so I said hey is your name gatri throwing the obvious one out of the way she's going I was expecting a reply dude what's wrong with you like you know you can do better said gatri her reply was wow yes it is and uh my response was huh beg your pardon I was not like I'm you know why I was shocked because I'm not good at the guessing game I'm not like the last time I played the guessing game it was AI exam yeah and my rank was 3.3 lakhs I'm not even kidding I told my brother my rank he was like dude it's my CTC it's the same thing that's how I was shocked as I'm like no dude your name can't be gatri she's like dude it's my name why are you predicting my like my name is G and then she followed up with a question like oh by the way how did you know my name and that's when I realized I didn't prepare for that question also this is like that weird vawa moment where the first question you AED it then the second question like uhuh teacher just give me five months I'll go just want to pass you so like I didn't know how to but I can't tell her the truth I can't tell her the truth that I do this with all profiles yeah it's a very fun activity it's not racist it's just a fun like I know like I recently came AC I think we all do it I came across this profile this girl she was wearing a hijab she had a unibrow and her letter was F see [Applause] okay these guys jump like this is B competition so 10 points 10 pointsa faima it's true we all do that we all do that but I can't tell her the truth so I told her something which was way more creepy because I panicked yeah she said how do you know my name I said uh because I do yeah and it's Bumble you can't even delete the message and now she's typing and I can see those three dots you know those three dots of here just like what the [ __ ] is she going to say yeah cuz that's when she hit me up with an I'm a little weirded out are you like a stalker I'm feeling a bit creeped out how the [ __ ] do you know my name and I went full defensive I'm like no no no sister nothing like that I'm not creepy what are you saying and then she and tell me how the [ __ ] do you know my name otherwise I'm unmatching you right now and I just put told her the truth it's like it's because you look like a guy you have a gatri face I don't know how to explain that dude she did have a gatri face you know how much of a gatri face she had the moment I said gatri face all of you imagined a gatri face head and you know what and you know what she looked exactly like that I'm not even kidding if she robbed a bank I just have to tell police it's gri you know it's that simple it was she asked me what the [ __ ] is that supposed to mean of course she got pissed but I didn't see that because it's on messages so like an idiot I start explaining why she has a gri face I started telling her like dude this is a profile photo okay she's wearing a sar Jasmine flers on the back she's wearing a blouse the sleeves are up till here like it looked like she didn't want to waste any material she told the tayor know make it full it almost look like she folded the blouse like you know she was like I'm not even this is how she was posing for the photo do you remember on a high school day there used to be choir groups and girls just stand and sing in that you remember that pose and I'm like dude a garima will never pose like that yeah a GMA will always go hand on the bum like that's only a gri can I looked that photo for two second and that song started playing in my head you shall overcome gri immediately unmatched she did I'm like I kind of deserve it I was being a dick kind of deserve it but here's the funny part couple of days ago I saw gatri again on bumble this time completely different photo yeah she's wearing like a crop top baggy pants and this is her pose and and I'm like but what about the face that's still guy you know now it just looks like you're standing like this and H but yeah being single is hard dude it's actually hard you know but being single the toughest thing about being single is not handling rejection the toughest thing about being single is handling overe expressive couples because they tell you and everywhere these expressive cou they have to tell the other person that they love them every dude I was watching MTV the other day and even over there they say have you seen one corner I love you Angelie I was watching the song one guy sent a message I feel lonely then die J dude I swear to God I got so pissed I sent a message Angel I'm standing [Music] outside just to [ __ ] around that one Angi in the country what for at least once she would have done this who the [ __ ] is outside dude even my username was Turkey Boy rocks you love angel I'm going to scare the [ __ ] out of her and see dude and I've been asking a lot of shows okay does anyone over here pay attention to those messages nobody pays attention that's why I have this thought don't you feel that is the best place for terrorists to exchange information like right under our noses I love you analii I miss you Niha shiv Naga 3 a RDX nobody will ever find out hard imagine a 261 attack happened like that some dude in Bombay is watching 9xm Bas first message comes Priya I miss you next message kasab come to Taj back gate kasab is like no already at the raway station see you on the other side I'm dting being single is very you know what I'm single but that the fault is not with women women it's not your fault okay I totally take complete like full blame but I do have one request though I do have you know now how a lot of women have been coming forward and saying we can wear whatever the [ __ ] you want to wear who the hell are you to judge I'm like of course dude 100% with you on that except this one thing leggings that match the color of your skin can we draw the line there freedom of choice that [ __ ] scam cuz I understand that you guys want to look pretty but you need to understand it's very confusing looks like a mirage of [Applause] Happiness an illusion of Joy like a kid we go uhhuh oh so many times dude so many times I've been walking on the road and i' like see this girl really far away and I'll be like she's wearing only a CTI is this the new Manish motra designer we who is this Progressive woman and the moment she's walking closer my heartbeats increasing like [ __ ] oh when she comes CL this is my reaction oh and then I walk back that entire walk of stre CH I thought that how many of you are bangaloreans here give me a shair bangaloreans six people [Applause] uh that's generally The Stereotype in Bangalore but I'm a bangalorean I've been here for like around 20 years I love the city but I have one issue with this city now that all my friends house that I go to I only see a foreign breed of dog you notice all my friends are I go like you've seen German shepherd pitbull boxer LA or that and then I started thinking what happened to our dogs and that's when I realized guys Indian dogs are losing their jobs to foreign dogs these [ __ ] immigrants they're taking away our dog's jobs think about it 15 years back whenever I used to play cricket and the ball used to go to neighbor's house who was barking ramu today it's Rocky the Rottweiler have you seen a Rottweiler looks like a Dober man on steroids what do you have with pedigree protein award what the [ __ ] shake it out that's what a rod I'm Scar and that's why today like whenever my friends get a new puppy or something I can't show them love my friend got a pug for 25,000 guys pug is not a dog it's just a really obese cat car field with [ __ ] all Graphics if you wrap a blanket around a pug it looks like a jumbo [Applause] shaa and and don't you guys feel that ramu is way more qualified than a pug he is right if two thieves enter your house ramu can take them down but if you put a pug against two thieves they'll just start playing football a pass a pass window they go that's why have you noticed every house that has a pug already has a security guard and and the pissing off part about this is these are the people who will buy dogs like this and then they'll come out and complain why are there so many Street dogs on the road what is the municipality doing my kids are not feeling safe do you know why there are so many Street dogs on the road it's because ramu is [ __ ] [Applause] [Music] ramu was a working Bachelor you took away his job now he's just a horny Bachelor what do Bachelors do all the time so he's searching the moment he finds Lea bam Ram [Applause] Lea uh I'm a huge football fan any football fan in the audience I love that game but I have one issue with that game these days like have you noticed every time a game of football starts players walk inside with a kid these days why dude when I started watching football you know how players jumping stretching flexing their muscles it used to look like a game is going to start now they look like divorced fathers like all 22 of them going like dude they are you know when I started footballers used to look like Warriors you know now they look like they're going through midlife crisis that's and all my friends have been complaining that football is no longer that aggressive game and I genuinely feel it's because of these kids cuz imagine just before you start the game who do you see the faces of 22 cute kids dude that's like before a soldier enters into war you show him an enti season of Bob the Builder even he throw away the gun I don't want to kill I want to fix things I want a spanner have you like have you seen WWF have you seen how Undertaker enters the ring that blue lights Dead music looks at the op [ __ ] I'm going to kill you you're like [ __ ] dude mat now imagine if Undertaker walked in with a kid I'm going to kill you but this is aradhana is you'll be like just tell me where to make the donations I I don't want to watch this match anymore and the game has changed guys I'm not even kidding I was watching a game couple of weeks back this defender came and he pushed the forward I thought the for would get a little angry and all he looked at the referee like he's his boyfriend are you going to let him treat me like this I need to feel protected around you show him a card what yellow you know red is my favorite color kept on doing that dude I'll prove it to you the game has changed do you guys remember in 2006 FIFA World Cup there was a player called Z Zan yeah [ __ ] FIFA World Cup finale that guy didn't give a [ __ ] he just gave a headbutt and walked out like a boss but now there is a player called Luis Suarez who's biting other players literally game Beach if he doesn't like you he comes and bites you you never see two adults in a bar get into an organ then go and the worst thing is I feel bad for the players who the guy who got bitten by Luis Suarez you know because first of all he played a two-hour match got bitten and then he has to go home and explain to his wife I'm on dating apps anyone over here who's on dating apps don't lie guys I saw some of you before the show I opened the app M some of you are5 km away okay don't [ __ ] do this I'm on dating app okay I recently matched with this one girl we've been like flirting for some days it was going good like 3 four days fifth day I I started the conv like hey dude what are you doing she replied nothing much uh bought some something on minra stuff just came home I like a nice what did you buy that's when she replied uh you know bras and stuff and I immediately went [ __ ] now I have to say something you know I could dude you've been flirting with a girl for 3 days you can't reply okay can't reply that you have to come up with something flirty and also not creepy it has to be that fine line you know that salt according to taste now I don't know how much salt she [Music] likes so I am thinking like an come on you have to come with something flirty line I'm thinking of lines nothing good is coming all stupid lines dude one line was I love bras I'm like you can't send this on you can't so I understood clearly you suck at it let's go to Google and know I went dude how to flirt and then one article came 20 ways to be sexy as a man third point was be good-looking I'm like hello you thought I didn't know that so I'm like okay and the thing is I'm researching over there even before I could send a message she sends another reply she goes oops I don't know if I should have said that wink Emoji yeah and I'm like [ __ ] now I don't know which message to react to and also guys truth be told when she told BR and stuff my first thought was creepy okay my first thought was how do I ask for a photograph oh yeah I'm the only creep out here [ __ ] gentleman sitting around me you guys would never do that huh if you like a girl and she told you she bought some bikini what do you reply wish you all the [Applause] best for all your future Enders every guy wants to ask okay can you can agree on that but I agree that you can't ask directly it's a tricky situation you have to play it safe so I didn't want to [ __ ] it up so when she said BR and stuff I thought for 10 minutes and I replied good it's all I could come up with but I still [ __ ] it up you know why because there this quy part I typed and I sent and then I saw I put two extra O's in my good yeah it does sound bad like this only imagine a girl told you I bought some bras and stuff and you were like good creepy okay and trust me this Emoji doesn't help it is the creepiest Emoji out there now you look like those uncles in dance bar go so I'm like panicking I like I hope she doesn't like take offense to this I'm like panicking this girl takes upep a notch higher she responds well I wish someone would tell me if they look good on me I know I know and that's the problem right when someone sends you a message you don't read it in the tone they meant you read it in the tone you want so even if she said it normally I am reading that message like well I'm imagining she's wearing like a red gown with a slit here lying on the sofa going Anna would you and I'm getting exam like come on dude now you have to ask so I just sent her a message hey dude I can help you with that simple harmless message 10 minutes no reply I got so I got scared dude I got so scared that all my safe lines were ready you know hey just kidding sorry sister like all of them all of them were ready okay and then I'm waiting and then she she sends me those holy words she goes wait sending yeah dude I got excited man got so excited that after like 1 minute I started switching on the Wi-Fi again and again is it working is it working or not what the [ __ ] is it working or not and then 5 minutes later she sends me a set of four photographs of her wearing the bra over her [ __ ] t-shirt one of the worst gifts I've ever received in my life because I have never received a nude that's approved by the sensor board [ __ ] you certificate photographs you're sending me [ __ ] trying to make me horny she looked sunari like she was posing also like this I'm like did your mom take these photographs dude I swear to I'm not even getting with the bra on top and the t-shirt underneath she looked like one superhero she did she could go to any crime scene they like who are you Wonder Bra they like do you kill the bad people no I just turn them on and leave I felt so bad dude you know what the saddest part about the story all these four photographs were view only once and I was like you thought I will view this twice the aity you thought that what if an takes advantage I was so mad I wanted to tell her you could have just sent me the link of the bra I would have watched the mintra model I'm being happy oh man it's tough being sickle it is I don't know man there something funny happened to me last week okay I um I got hit on by a gay guy oh thank you thank you so much for the resounding Applause break all of you guys like I knew it like you know I know I got that you know what's the problem with that like whenever I tell this women are generally very supportive they are and I don't like it they are not supportive in a nice way like I told my crush a gay guy it on me she was like go for it try no girl are supportive guys totally not like I told my best friend a gay guy hit on me he was like what did you do there is no smoke without fire what were you wearing I'm like hello Sherlock calm down we were at a pub dude me and it was a weekend me and my friends went out of this Pub there was lot it was good Pub there were a lot of pretty women in this Pub I wanted to impress these women so I dressed up but I didn't know like other companies were hiring okay I didn't know so I we got a table we sat down we are drinking this dude shows about of nowhere with a glass of beer in his hand okay and he's drunk so of course he's like you know and he's gay also so he's very flamboyant he's having fun he's like keeps the beer on the table looks at me and then starts moving the beer in my direction and you know what he moved the beer so slowly that he made it romantic was just making eye contact like M say yes and I'll show you Heaven even I was like dude stop undressing me with your eyes man what is wrong with you slowly slides in his phone number looks at me does the universal symbol and then he leaves and I'm like shocked I don't even know how to react but that's the problem he did it in front of my guy friends and they are [ __ ] dude your guy friends this is their dream just three three of them sitting the moment he left I looked back at them these three are like the moment you went a little far all of them like one guy shouted waiter shots our friend is gay one more is asking me dude how will you tell Mom and Dad and I'm trying to calm the situation I'm like dude I am straight A GGA hit on me this is pointless can you stop talking about it I'm trying to convince them look let go of it but I swear to God when I went back home and I thought about this old scenario I have to be honest I kind of liked it I did not in a sexual way not in a sexual I'll tell you why I liked it because this is not the first time a gay guy has bought a beer for me this is the first time anybody has bought a beer for it but anyways I like drinking okay I'm an alcoholic but I have some problems with alcohol though that when you get drunk you get a lot of dumb thoughts which is fine true but you you think they are great thoughts that is the problem have you ever been so drunk you're like Macha I have a startup idea call Zuckerberg right now [ __ ] too confident we become once alcohol enters the body like last week I got so drong I Wasing with my friend okay true story what happened guys trying to record then what happened no no we were just talking about like how we plan to drink but we never drunk so yeah you could done that after the show now in the middle of me chasing my dreams you were like pause remember that day I told you we should also drink but yeah drink guys drink all the best last week I was ringing with my friend and I got so drunk okay pasted drunk and I had this dumb thought I started feeling bad for sperms yeah I don't know why and I started rationalizing you know why because whenever I do it I put on a condom and if you do that think about sperms it was their day supposed to compete in a race embark on a journey and I was like no race all of you are going to the tust me this is a friendly match if you win I lose okay have you read about sperms like have you ever saw their diagrams they're so excited right every diagram they're always like [ __ ] move I want to win this race yeah they're so excited but the moment you put on a condom they're just standing there like what's B the shop never opens do you know what sperms feel like every time you put on a condom have you ever walked into a restaurant that has a glass door but you don't see it they walk in full exited ah what is this and what's this strawberry smell I don't like it okay man I'll tell you the real reason why I feel bad for sperms okay this is the real reason I it's because I think I was a great sperm hear me out hear me out it's not because of me it's because of my dad my dad was in the Army okay [ __ ] that he was an NSG Commando yeah I am that guy's SP I'm not some TCS guys F okay okay Accenture I don't have dreams no [ __ ] one of the best FMS in the country if there was an entrance exam for sperms all India rank [Applause] one dude can you believe NSG Commando I think my dad was so hardcore even as a sperm I was camouflaged like my mom didn't even see me come I just appeared like Captain ratnam reporting my I'm here to deliver the package I hope you get pregnant even when my dad was doing it I was actually sitting in the balls with my face painted black just ready for the mission turbulence guys turbulence and when my dad was about to come it was like a helicopter seen in Army movie go go go go go do it for your mother [Music] country and you know what's the best part about that story I won that race if you want proof you're looking at at it defeat some of the best FMS in the country it's the sad news that's the last race I ever won in my life horrible athlete only in sixth standard I won that sack race do you remember that sack race and that day I realized if I have to perform well I have to be in a [Applause] sack yeah after six time they removed Sac I'm like cheating this is not my home ground anymore oh man I am 31 dude and just know my parents are asking me to get married too much it's getting too much and you know thing is I don't believe in the whole idea of marriage like you know like it's not like I'm like oh [ __ ] marriage now you know it's just like why was it invented like only humans get married right why was it invented like you know that's what I always think do you remember that diagram from monkeys still human beings you know that diagram that looks like an ad for hair removal the last guy is like I'm done and you're like nicer T till on the bum it's there you know whenever I look at that diagram I'm like which one of those four dud said I want to get married you always think about which one when was it and I thought about it a lot okay this is my theory hear me on this is my theory I think marriage was a conspiracy created by small dick dudes to prevent their Extinction don't you think they defeated Evolution smart [ __ ] dude just answer on a women answer this okay on a primate level women love big dicks women don't sit there like or you answer I'll call you [ __ ] later like don't can you all agree on a primate level women like big dicks or you want to discuss with among each other remember that day I told you we want big dick but we never did want to discuss ma'am big dick agreed can some women agree on a prim someone yes yeah I'm not going to judge you thank you so much so by this logic alone just by this logic do you only think small dick guys should have gone extinct theory of natural selection but they survived you know why they created this multinational conglomerate where they looked women in the eye and go it's not about the size it's about love I'm not going to give you an orgasm but I'll remember your birthday all our anniversaries I'll take care of the hard stuff St I have so much respect small di guys they played it so smart I know some of you are still disagreeing okay I'll ask you a question ma'am I'll ask you have you ever seen a lion with a small dick I'm not saying you should look for it I'm not saying that I'm not saying she watch Discovery Channel like you're David aten bro not saying that but even accidentally have you ever heard of a lion with a small dick no right you know why because they died they died a lonely [ __ ] death none of the luses [ __ ] them cuz lus are not like you guys you know luses are honest they look them like do you have a madic critic or not otherwise [ __ ] off from here I don't know Madagascar sounds like you're have a big dick right it does say I'm from Madagascar a someone say I'm from indoor oh like you get get what I'm saying right you know it's the thing loners are honest but you women you guys are sweet you know you guys look at the other things you guys like well he listens after we are done he likes to cuddle why do you think he likes to cuddle [Music] it's the reverse psychology we played it on you guys I can't do this so I'll do this you're not going anywhere [ __ ] no you know why I'm so sure about this conspiracy is my thing it's because of the stereotype The Stereotype that is that small dick dudes don't get that much action yeah they don't and I know that stereotype is true is because I know I have data approximately 31 years of data yeah guys I don't have a big dick I think you guys already knew but still that joke never gets a surprise like I don't have big dick really everyone's like you don't have a big dick and what is the point of the sentence I don't that's the only joke when it gets a laugh it hurts I don't have a big dick okay I don't but the thing is you know what I pretend like I do I walk around like I have a big assas dick cuz you should dude he's my guy if I don't believe in him who else will [ __ ] I'm like you're the best I pretend like he's a python yeah if any girl say show me your pen I'm like you can touch it don't be afraid oh dude I'm very insecure about my penis I wanted everyone to think I have a big penis okay I always and then I came up with this brilliant strategy that whenever I'm peeing in a public restroom and if there's a dude standing next to me I don't take out my dick easily I struggle like it's really inside like I have to find it like you know you know how I take out my penis have you guys seen those magicians who take out handkerchief but don't stop sometimes I go too much sometimes I'm like oh [ __ ] it fell down sometimes it falls and to see the horror on that guy's face how is it possible this guy looks Indian also and I thought that was like a great strategy now everyone will think I have a big dick but there's one problem at it that now stranger men know that I have a big dick which is not my target audience there is no benefit if another dude finds out you have a big dick he's not going to go like what's your name Buddy Arin if he goes if he finds out I have a big di he's not going to go tell other women you should [ __ ] him oh I saw it it fell on the floor sister I'm 32 okay I've been doing comedy for a while now it's going all right I like it but I'll tell you the reason why I started doing comedy it was because I was very insecure about my height as a kid very insecure but here the thing now I've come to a point where I don't mind when people make fun of my height it bothers me when they are supportive cuz I don't know how to react because the new generation cares My Generation didn't my generation was mean dude I got the whole deal and I was kid like you know growing in the '90s chu chut liut everything my friends were so mean they will use my head like a armrest yeah we went to a nice Mountain View my friend is like what of you do and I'm standing there going like dude I can't see the view man [ __ ] remove your hand mean [ __ ] dude [ __ ] my friends my teachers were mean my six standard teacher even though she knew I was sh she would make me erase the board just to see me struggle but like the other day I swear to God okay the other day I went to a supermarket the thing that I wanted was on the top most shelf my luck and I'm struggling 15 minutes nobody helped and then this one tall dude saw me struggling he walked up picked it up he's like here you go buddy I cried I looked at him like we need more men like you the society will only grow if you can support each other he looked at me like sir I work here is wrong with you now take your bon me to the billing counter go Fu out it's the little things about my height that piss me off okay the little things that bother me like true story okay a couple of months ago me and my school friends took a road trip to Goa and it's great [ __ ] driving car having beer talking about school [ __ ] beautiful it was what is the side effect of having beer you want a pee so we stopped at a daa went inside the toilet you guys have seen this roadside daa toilets right they are beautiful what a visual Delight you know every disease originated there you can see all across the country all Indians enter this toilet the same way disgusting toilet okay this one also we walk in there's like a modern art of pan parag yeah and on that only it's written don't spit here so I walked in okay disgusting no two only one okay not only one and thankfully we only wanted to pee so four urinal points I go and stand at my urinal and I immediately realized there is a [Laughter] [Applause] problem the height [Applause] placement of the urinal was unbelievably high too high dude have you ever been so confused that you try again like maybe this time it it will go let's pray an you know when you try to put that pen drive without looking like why is it not going in why is it not going in and I'm standing there I'm trying to figure this out and then slowly it starts Dawning on me that this urinal is too high and that day I realized something guys accepting that you can't reach your urinal is fine if you're a kid yeah it's actually cute when you see a kid like Daddy I can't reach and everyone like a but as an adult you can't be like [Applause] Macha I can't reach the like what do you expect from your friends what do you expect like what you want them to come and then pick you up as your legs are dangling in the air and you're talking to them like hey hold me Steady D let me aim let me me stady and then you have another doubt if your hands are on their shoulder who's holding your like how close are we okay so you can't do anything so I'm just standing there struggling to pee okay both my friends are [ __ ] tall and I'll tell you why because in school I wanted to grow up so badly I only played basketball and as you can see the results were remarkable because I forgot when your mom is five and your dad is 55 basketball can't do [ __ ] it's more of a DNA problem and I just kept jumping like an idiot dude in my head I was jumping I like Michael Jordan Michael Jordan my body time was like we'll give you par Patel it's what you are and I jumped so much these two became my friends dude they put me in the school team one of the worst nepotism Ever every tournament we went they used to call our team four and a half men so because of this both my one friend is 63 one guy 6'4 these two giraffes have no problem because their PE is coming from the first floor I'm the only one peeing at sea level so these guys finish peeing I'm standing there trying to figure this out what the [ __ ] am I going to do dude I can't accept it to these guys and I'm just waiting for them to leave just let them leave just shut up on and keep quiet but that's the problem with your best friends when you are in trouble they know they know normally when you pee you leave they stood off right behind me hands crossed they're like what happened on can't pee huh oh and then one guy are like tryo tryo and I'm standing like dude don't do this and these guys are started laughing they're high-f finding each other they're betting dude one guy went Instagram live and I'm sitting there [ __ ] all that 20 years of insecurities is coming it's like [ __ ] I can't lose to these guys dude I can't lose to them I have to come on on and think of a solution and when you're desperate dumb Solutions come into your head cuz the solution that came into my head was projectile motion for women if you didn't understand have you guys seen those naked statue fountains and water just comes out like that men can do that okay we have that Talent and also at that dude I had six beers I was a fire engine I can aim for the Stars so I got cocky and I started peeing like that but only once I started I realized that this bush is okay to pee only at the beginning of the [Music] pee when you have pressure and you can send the package far but once that pressure starts dropping it is a hell scene it's like imagine you're Watering your plants with your pipe but someone is slowly turning off the tab so what do you do you bring the pipe closer to the florp but that's the problem I am not gifted in the pipe Department also I have a very average Indian pipe okay that Comfort is not there all I can do is more height and then your first victims are your shoes yeah it is true your first victim are shoes so you pan you make even bigger rookie mistake you increase the distance between the shoes losing even more height dude I'm not even by the time I finished beinging this department look like I went to an amusement park I swear to God I turned around there was an uncle standing you were like beta is this your first time peeing have you ever peed in your life dude I'm not even that trip I realized my friends were such [ __ ] dude when we were coming back they stopped at the same daba so many daas they're like no let's take a U-turn we are going to that I want to ask how many of you are attending a comedy show for the very first time here yeah oh my God so you guys are like losing your virginity with us it's an honor sir and you guys are sitting like virgins also you guys are like you know like let him do all the work I want to finish this and tell my friends I did it I did it I did it last year uh like both my exes got married so it was a great year for me like one of them got covid also like yeah the one of the girl I was dating we were actually we actually started dating during the lockdown yeah so technically I was going through two pandemics and you know what's funny same symptoms headache body pain worst case diarrhea like happened we broke up though we broke up she dumped me she dumped me because she told me an I'm dumping you because you give more importance to your best friend you know you give you prioritize your best friend more that's why I'm dumping you yeah best friend best friend and then she got married to her best friend I was like uh do you see the irony here like I give my friend import but you have given him the ultimate importance like I know I I like my best friend he's a nice guy but I never walked up to him like [Music] Macha you know I like you right but yeah I don't want to [ __ ] on her like this some crazy ex-boyfriend and all I know she was a nice person like [ __ ] but good human being you know that [Applause] variety but here's the thing this is more about me okay so whenever I start dating someone or I get into a relationship with someone in the beginning I'm as fake as possible yeah cuz I don't want her to leave you know let her fall in love completely and then I'll show what an the day she tells me Anand I don't think so I can live without you I'm like it's time for the psycho and uh my idea of being fake is uh being Macho have you ever seen those Macho guys see those guys right they'll be walking and suddenly for no reason they'll do this like why you stretching we're going to the chai shop no really have to stretch I think the most Macho thing I did in front of her was when she was talking to me I did this but this is a funny part you know why because none of my muscles [Applause] cracked so it was a very quiet so and the whole reason why I wanted to do this because I wanted to think I'm a macho guy you know I wanted to think if any problem my boyfriend will protect me you know the truth is if there is a problem I'll use her to protect me I don't give a [ __ ] I'm a [ __ ] I know you know if you're ever getting robbed and all I'll be like sir actually take her wallet there's more money in [Music] [Applause] it 5 minutes back only she went to the ATM so to prove I'm a macho dude what I did was the other day the gas cylinder guy came so I picked up the cylinder in front of her and I walked around with an empty gas cylinder you know that walk right the most non-mo walk ever when you do that you look like a par Olympic Athlete you know I have dreams and the thing is like even when I did it even the [ __ ] gas cylinder guy like at least due to the new one kept it there and she was like M like she made that face I was like it's working she thinks I'm Macho two months into the dating we're drinking at one of my friends place and at 2 in the night this guy challenges my girlfriend for a push-up competition cuz that's how men are you know once we get drunk logic says good night logic is like bro I'm booking Uber and I thought she'll say [ __ ] off dude I'm not interested you know what she said bring it on that's when I realized I'm dating an idiot as well and she's doing push-up I knew she was going to lose he's going to kick her ass and I know I assumed it was wrong of mine because she proved me wrong cuz she did 41 push-ups cuz literally there were two voices in my head impressed and terrified one was like dude she's your girlfriend the other like she's your [ __ ] girlfriend it's not even like she did 401 she was like nothing she chugged her drink and she lit her smoke I was like are you a raw [Applause] agent is that why you're dating me so nobody suspects you no you can lay low aing all this while I thought I'm dating this cute girl I didn't know I was dating one of the dungle sisters that day I changed her nickname from baby she became Gita babita yeah I used to [ __ ] with her also there was this one time we were about to do it I just looked at the bed I'm like the gold M oh that night slept on the couch so nicely but yeah that got over now now now is the funny story something else is happening in my life I like this girl okay I really do but uh the problem is she's too pretty for me like even I know but you know how pretty she is even a class exam if you put her photo and my photo in two different columns no kid will match the following if prz was an office CE your reception desk that's the graph but here's the thing she's [ __ ] up yeah she's very insecure has got all those body issues confidence issues all that kind of stuff and that's why she hangs out with me I know I am sorted I know she can do better she doesn't and this is the first time my life I am happy that someone is [ __ ] up otherwise they wouldn't hang out with me I know it's statistic I know it is like her delusion is my Dreamland the more she looks in the mirror and she goes I suck I suck I am like Anand you rock you're a [ __ ] nine an you're a nine I am I can't help it she's too beautiful you you know how beautiful she is the other day she video called me she was pretty on low data on low data my face looks like a dick from Japanese [Applause] PA it is true like we are some of like some of us are ugly we need to agree that like I have some ugly friends when they video call me it looks like I'm talking to an ultrasound report s like like you here you can see the head oh that's the thing like and I have finally understood like you know she I know she's fed up but you have to understand someone else's loss is your gain that's how life works like have you guys ever noticed whenever there's a storm or flood in Chennai the weather in Bangalore is [ __ ] amazing that's how life works okay like kilometers away people are drowning I am standing on the balcony going a old m you should not hear this story from her perspective then it's a tragedy but you hear it from my perspective it's a Disney movie yeah I'm Aladin she's Jasmine and you know what's my genie her insecurities every time she's like I feel confident today I'm like but what about your looks do you think your last relationship was good it is the truth like I'm telling you but and by the way I have to confess something to you guys I am as shocked as anyone that she hangs out with me I also look in the mirror like it's real an it's real pinch you it's real it's real it is like when like when she video called me she said like do you want to catch up for a coffee I like do you are you sure do I owe you money where is the camera this is chupar right I know I don't believe it like we met on the date our first date she took a selfie with me I'm like you want to document this [ __ ] what is wrong with you and there's the funny part okay since the time I've started hanging out with her the amount of respect I'm getting from my friends has gone higher yeah my friends look at me like Anand you have something Anand you have some power and I'm like huh what power I have something it is true like a couple of days back I was dreaming with my friends and they saw that photograph they saw that photograph because it's my wallpaper now and here's the thing one guy saw that photograph he went crazy dude he got a match on Tinder he gave me his phone he's like an you talk you can convert faster Anand you have something and I don't know what to say I went like hey do you believe in God cuz that's what's happening to me is it's almost like the amount of you know those have you ever seen in those like City like those shitty houses in the center of the city but their land value is really high because they right next to a mall I am that shitty house I know like people look at me like look at that [ __ ] and I'm like but what about this mall look at the jaw and of the small you know right and I remember this okay when I used to be like very like single and all I don't know what is that term very single but you understand I was very single if I ever looked like a pretty looked at a pretty girl with an average looking guy I used to cuss that couple from my heart you know like that have you ever s that and I've seen like a really pretty girl with an average looking guy I think most men have done this why him all have done that [ __ ] no by him and the funny part is now when I am that guy I love the attention love it I see like guys looking at me from across the street like you piece of [ __ ] I'm like yeah I know right you didn't think I [Music] know

Channel: Anand

Views: 23,732

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Id: jZ1UZpQG2Yk

Length: 66min 8sec (3968 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 09 2024