WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE "LATE
SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) YOU CAN FEEL IT. I'M GLAD YOU GUYS HAVE GOT THE
ENERGY BECAUSE YOU CAN FEEL IT TON STREET TODAY. TOOTH TODAY IS A VERY ROUGH DAY,
SO LET'S START OFF WITH SOMETHING FROM THE SMILE FILE. THANKS TO TRUMP'S TRADE WAR
WITH CHINA, THE DOW JONES INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE LOST MORE
THAN 750 POINTS TODAY. AND THAT WAS THE SMILE FILE. ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE. ( LAUGHTER )
I'VE BEEN WATCHING THIS SHOW ON HBO-- "CHERNOBYL"-- DON'T TELL
ME HOW IT ENDS. ( LAUGHTER )
AND IN THE THING ABOUT THE NUCLEAR REACTOR BLOWING UP, OVER
AND OVER AGAIN IN IT, A SCIENTIST OR ENGINEER WILL TELL
A POLITICIAN, "HEY, WE'VE GOT A REAL PROBLEM HERE. THE NUCLEAR CORE IS GOING TO
MELTDOWN AND KILL EVERYONE."ñ BUT THE POLITICIANS REFUSE TO
BELIEVE IT BECAUSE ANY ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF FAILURE
THREATENS THEIR POSITION OF POWER,
AND THEIR POWER IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN SAVING LIVES. WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH
ANYTHING? WELL --
( LAUGHTER ) -- I THINK AT THIS POINT IT'S
CLEAR THAT AMERICA'S GUN CULTURE IS MELTING DOWN, BUT
THE REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS WOULD RATHER MAINTAIN THEIR
POWER THAN SAVE LIVES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE LATEST EVIDENCE IS THE TWO MASS SHOOTINGS IN LESS THAN 24
HOURS: ONE IN EL PASO, TEXAS, THE OTHER IN DAYTON, OHIO
MAKING FOUR MASS SHOOTINGS IN AMERICA LAST WEEK ALONE. 255 IN 2019 SO FAR. NOW, THERE ARE TWO BI-PARTISAN
BACKGROUND CHECK BILLS THAT HAVE PASSED THE HOUSE BUT ARE BEING
BLOCKED BY SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND THIS MONTH'S
CENTERFOLD OF CORRUPTIONçó MONTHLY --
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
-- MITCH McCONNELL. ( BOOING )
THAT IS HIS MATING CALL. ( LAUGHTER )
MCONNELL'S HAD THE BILLS SINCE FEBRUARY, BUT WON'T TAKE ANY
ACTION. I'M SURE HE HAS HIS REASONS. LIKE THE $1.26 MILLION IN N.R.A. CONTRIBUTIONS. HE HAS RECEIVED. ( BOOING )
YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE ON HUMAN LIFE, BUT IT DOESN'T STOP MITCH
FROM TRYING. ( LAUGHTER )
AFTER EVERY ONE OF THESE TRAGEDIES -- EVERY TIME THIS
HAPPENS, EVERYBODY WANTS SENSIBLE GUN LEGISLATION AND
NOTHING HAPPENS. MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR "SENSELESS"
GUN LEGISLATION. ( LAUGHTER )
MAYBE TURN IN YOUR ASSAULT WEAPON AND IN EXCHANGE WE'LL
GIVE YOU A GIANT PORK SAUSAGE. >> OKAY? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT MAKES NO SENSE. THAT IS SENSELESS. ( APPLAUSE )
GIVE ME YOUR GUN, YOU GET A GIANT PORK SAUSAGE. IT'S EVEN MORE FALK THAN YOUR
GUN AND IT'S ONLY GOING TO HURT YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THIS TIME IT'S NOT JUST GUNS, IT'S ALSO OVERT RACISM. WHEN A REPORTER ASKED
EL PASO-NATIVE BETO O'ROURKE IF THERE WAS ANYTHING THE PRESIDENT
COULD DO ABOUT THE SHOOTINGS, HE DID NOT HESITATE TO NAME THE
RADIOACTIVE CORE OF THIS MELTDOWN. >> IS THERE ANYTHING IN
YOUR MIND THAT THE PRESIDENT CAN DO NOW TO MAKE THIS ANY BETTER? >> WHAT DO YOU THINK? UMM, YOU KNOW THE (BLEEP) HE'S
BEEN SAYING. HE'S BEEN CALLING MEXICAN
IMMIGRANTS RAPISTS AND CRIMINALS. I DONK)
THE PRESS, WHAT THE (BLEEP)? HOLD ON A SECOND.ñ
YOU KNOW, IT'S THESE-- IT'S THESE QUESTIONS THAT YOU KNOW
THE ANSWERS TO. I MEAN, CONNECT THE DOTS
ABOUT WHAT HE'S BEEN DOING IN THIS COUNTRY. HE'S NOT TOLERATING RACISM, HE'S
PROMOTING RACISM. HE'S NOT TOLERATING VIOLENCE,
HE'S INCITING RACISM AND VIOLENCE IN THIS COUNTRY. SO, YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
KIND OF QUESTION THAT IS. >> STEPHEN: WELL SAID. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELL SAID. REFRESHING CANDOR. REFRESHING CANDOR. IT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD TO OFFER
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, BUT SOMETIMES YOU NEED SHOUTS AND
SWEARS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TODAY, TRUMP PUT ON HIS PRESIDENT PANTS AND ADDRESSED
THE TRAGEDIES IN EL PASO AND DAYTON-- OR TRIED TO:
>> MAY GOD BLESS THE MEMORY OF THOSE WHO PERISHED IN TOLEDO. >> Stephen: OKAY. ALL RIGHT. WRONG CITY, BUT DON'T WORRY,
SIR. IT'S NOT LIKE OHIO'S THAT
IMPORTANT IN PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS. ( LAUGHTER )
JOE BIDEN BETTER HOPE IT'S NOT, BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, HE OFFERED
SYMPATHY FOR THE "TRAGIC EVENTS IN HOUSTON AND ALSO IN
MICHIGAN." ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
HOLY TOLEDO. ( LAUGHTER )
LATER ON IN HIS ADDRESS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, TRUMP TOOK A STRONG
STAND:ñr >> IN ONE VOICE, OUR NATION MUST
CONDEMN RACISM, BIGOTRY, AND WHITE SUPREMACY. >> STEPHEN: I TRY MY BEST EVERY
NIGHT, BUT YOU'RE STILL IN OFFICE. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO -- ( CHEERING )
SO WHO'S TO BLAME FOR THESE SHOOTINGS? TRUMP HAD A, LET'S SAY, THOUGHT:
>> WE MUST STOP THE GLORIFICATION OF VIOLENCE IN OUR
SOCIETY. THIS INCLUDES THE GRUESOMEE
AND GRISLY VIDEO GAMES THAT ARE NOW COMMONPLACE. >> STEPHEN: FIRST OF ALL,
THERE'S NO LINK BETWEEN VIDEO GAMES AND SHOOTINGS. EVERY COUNTRY HAS VIDEO GAMES. BUT THESE TRAGEDIES ONLY HAPPEN
HERE. SECONDLY, I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR
TRUMP TRY TO NAME A SINGLE VIDEO GAME. ( LAUGHTER )
(AS TRUMP) "THESE VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES:
'TETRIS-MUNCH,' 'GHOST MARIO,' 'GRAND THEFT PONG.'"
( LAUGHTER ) THEN, IN HIS OWN WAY, TRUMP
TRIED TO HEAL A NATION. >> NOW IS THE TIME TO SET
DESTRUCTIVE PARTISANSHIP ASIDE, SO DESTRUCTIVE, AND FIND THE
COURAGE TO ANSWER HATRED WITH UNITY, DEVOTION, AND LOVE. >> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"YES, WE MUST SET ASIDE PARTISAN BICKERING OVER WHO FIRED UP THE
WHITE NATIONALISTS IN OUR COUNTRY, AND COME TOGETHER AS
ONE: (SINGING TO "KUMBAYA")
♪ SEND HER BACK, MY LORD SEND HER BACK
♪ SOMEONE'S DIFFERENT, LORD SEND HER BACK
♪ I'M NOT RACIST LORD --
( APPLAUSE ) NOT EVERYONE WAS HEEDING TRUMP'S
CALL TO UNITY. LIKE CORY BOOKER, WHO HEARD
TRUMP'S SPEECH AND TEXTED THIS TO HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER, WHO
THEN TWEETED IT: "LISTENING TO THE PRESIDENT. SUCH A BULL (BLEEP) SOUP OF
INEFFECTIVE WORDS." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY,ENING I SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE. OKAY. I SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE. SO BETO SWEARS, NOW EVERYONE
JUMPS ON THE CURSE WAGON. THE NEXT DEBATE IS GOING TO BE
FUN. (AS BOOKER)
"Y'KNOW, MR. VICE PRESIDENT, THEY HAVE A SAYING IN MY
COMMUNITY: YOU'RE DIPPING YOUR SPOON IN THE BULL (BLEEP) SOUP
AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TASTE OF ASS CROUTONS!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Jon: IS THAT A SAYING? I HAVEN'T HEARD THAT ONE. >> Stephen: TRUMP DEFENDED
GUNS ON CAMERA, BUT ON TWITTER, HE WAS MORE OPEN
TO COMPROMISE: "REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS MUST
COME TOGETHER AND GET STRONG BACKGROUND CHECKS, PERHAPS
MARRYING DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT THIS
LEGISLATION WITH DESPERATELY NEEDED IMMIGRATION REFORM. WE MUST HAVE SOMETHING GOOD, IF
NOT GREAT, COME OUT OF THESE TWO TRAGIC EVENTS!"
(AS TRUMP) "AND IF I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
MARRYING, IT IS ALWAYS A TRAGIC EVENT." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BUT LISTEN TO WHAT HE'S DOING --
( APPLAUSE ) -- LISTEN TO WHAT HE'S TRYING TO
DO HERE, GUN CONTROL AND IMMIGRATION
REFORM HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER, AND THEY'RE THE TWO
HARDEST THINGS TO DO IN WASHINGTON, SO NATURALLY HE
WANTS TO COMBINE THEM. (AS TRUMP)
"CONGRESS HAS NOT BEEN ABLE TO EAT FIRE OR LEVITATE. ( LAUGHTER )
SO, THEY SHOULD TRY TO DO THEM BOTH AT THE SAME TIME. ( LAUGHTER )
MIGHT MAKE IT EASIER TO LEVITATE WITH FLAMES SHOOTING OUT THEIR
BUTTS." ( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP WAS ABLE TO FIND AT LEAST ONE PERSON TO DEFEND HIM, ACTING
CHIEF OF STAFF MICK MULVANEY, SEEN HERE EXPLAINING HOW TALL A
PILE OF LIES HE'S ABOUT TO SPEW. ( LAUGHTER )
MULVANEY WENT ON THE SUNDAY SHOWS AND HE POINTED OUT THAT
GUN VIOLENCE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH GUNS. >> WE'VE HAD GUNS IN THIS
COUNTRY FOR-- FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS. WE HAVEN'T HAD THIS UNTIL
RECENTLY AND WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHY. >> STEPHEN: OH, I KNOW WHY. IT'S BECAUSE THOSE GUNS WE HAD
HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO WERE SLOWER AND LESS POWERFUL. IT'S WHY, DURING THE
REVOLUTIONARY WAR, THE BRITISH SOLDIERS VOLUNTEERED TO WEAR
BRIGHT RED COATS AND STAND IN A STRAIGHT LINE! (AS COLONIAL BRITISH SOLDIER)
"WOULD YOU MIND KILLING US MORE QUICKLY? IT'S NEARLY TEA TIME AND WE HAVE
TO DO THIS ALL OVER AGAIN IN THE CRIMEA." ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: WOW! >> Stephen: THE CRIMEA! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MULVANEY'S MAIN ARGUMENT: EVERYONE IS TO BLAME EXCEPT HIS
BOSS. >> THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM. THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT IT. BUT THEY ARE SICK, SICK PEOPLE. AND THE PRESIDENT KNOWS THAT. AGAIN, JON, I DON'T THINK IT'S
FAIR TO TRY AND LAY THIS AT THE FEET OF THE PRESIDENT. >> STEPHEN: IT'S TRUE. YOU CAN'T LAY THIS AT THE FEET
OF THE PRESIDENT, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE MICK MULVANEY SLEEPS. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. STAR OF HBO'S "SUCCESSION" BRIAN
COX IS HERE, BUT WHEN WE RETURN, ANOTHER TRUMP APPOINTMENT BITESt
THE DUST. STICK AROUND. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
Man he ain’t playing
S e n s e l e s s