American Psycho, but for Dating Profiles

hey Bateman heard you took Sandra out last night you know I actually matched there a couple months back did she tell you that I was the one that ghosted her do you think she thinks we're still together maybe I should call her and tell her that we're not you're ghosting was sufficient Lewis morning halberstram how the heck are you how's the dating life Alan has confused me with this kid Marcus halberstrom halberstrand uses Bumble I would never use Bumble I'm not a beta so how's the crop on Bumble Marcus a lot of women messaging you first it's good good never really heard anyone say that Bumble is good A lot of my buddies use Bumble but they can't seem to get a woman to message them first ton of matches no first messages but I'm assuming that's not plaguing you is it Marcus it's all right when you're ready for the big leagues I got a referral for you on Raya yeah there's something about women with a hundred thousand followers that really gets me going sure he'll get there someday huh sounds good Paul hey Alan congratulations on your date last night thank you Baxter heard it was a joint account to UCLA grad students you think they'd be smarter than you how'd you manage to pull that off check this out foreign first profile picture say why don't you bring those UCLA grad students out to the den tonight student strength free no can do I got an 8 30 table at The Bungalow former Miss Brazil perks of hinge premium change your location to anywhere around the world UCLA grad students Miss Brazil how's he pulling this I heard he's got a swipe Farm in the Philippines unlimited matches is that a nude new Tinder profile picture what do you think whoa would you look at that it took me three hours to get the lighting right brings out the definition fire a woman I'd be dazzled that's an OP regram lip bite the smoke show takes one look at that and sees a fun sensitive guy who's not afraid to show his soft side this is my this is him picture ladies like Aubrey Crown that's Drizzy Drake to you Lewis and of course they love him that's very cool Batman but that's nothing that is a prime David Hasselhoff clinched jaw worked on it all summer mastic gum shows a woman my strong side she'll feel protected she can get Lippy if a bouncer has to see her ID because she knows I'll back her up what do you think nice that is really nice had a boy like you get so tasteful oh my you're gonna get a ton of matches with that picture I I can't believe Bryce thinks fan Patton's profile picture will get more matches than mine but wait you ain't seen nothing yet you're looking at a carefully crafted upper Russian abdominal twist I've heard Brad Pitt use that in Fight Club the upper Russian abdominal twist goes back centuries and has been used by some of the greatest sex symbols of all time Burt Reynolds Prince George Clooney and now me a woman takes one look at this picture and thinks if I don't go out with this guy someone else will I better make a move quick impressive very nice let's see Paul Allen's profile [Music] look at the shininess of that gelled hair the tasteful thickness of it Jesus look at that arm Bend the angle at which he holds his phone so elegant no wonder he pulled those UCLA grad students Miss Brazil seems like a layup now there's a secret in that hair and they want to know what it is Patrick are you okay you're sweating but you didn't ask me about my profile picture okay well you're still there I went with the Morris Moore approach you see the pajama pants and the threads they're going to distract any woman from asking what's beneath my clothing which is a little more than baby fat they'll be so enthralled by my outfit that they won't think about anything else I call it Luis my night attire Bingo women are going to be so distracted by what's going on with my pajama threads that they won't even think about my body underneath so sorry dude

Channel: Stevie Emerson

Views: 454,282

Keywords: stevie, emerson, funny, parody, patrick, bateman, sigma, paul, allen, business, card, scene, but, for, getting, laid, american, psycho, dating, online, bumble, hinge, tinder

Id: XVAUmlXiZH0

Length: 4min 33sec (273 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 14 2023