AITA For Kicking My Aunt Out After Hearing Her Comments About Our Baby?[Reddit Relationships Advice-

am i the antagonist for not letting a special needs girl into my choir yes yes i know the title sounds bad i 34 male i'm a high school choir director for a small school in the midwest i absolutely love my job and the students fear joys to be around and we have a lot of fun i direct four seven eight th great choir concert choir nine th grade a cappella choir general 10 th12 th and chamber choir chamber is a small advanced competitive choir that takes difficult auditions to get into we had auditions for chamber choir this year and one of the girls who auditioned was a senior with moderate mental disabilities that affect her cognitive function and behavior she is in my acapella choir and she is fun to be around if not talkative i like to believe i'm always kind to her and all the other students are helpful to her however her singing isn't wonderful that's not a bad thing peressie but the standards i have for my chamber choir are very high i didn't want to turn her down but i treated her the same i would treat any other student who didn't meet the standards well apparently it was her dream to make it into chamber and now refuses to come to choir she cries and throws tantrums any time she sees me i feel really bad but i feel like i just treated her like i would treat any other student neurotypical or otherwise my coworker sympathize and think i didn't do anything wrong but my wife thinks i was harsh am i the antagonist nta if you applied the same standard to her as you would anyone else you only acted fairly everyone has to get used to disappointments in life yeah especially important as they are a competition choir you can't force other kids into bad positions in competition if it was simply a recital for the school only i might have had lower standards yeah the fact that it's a competition choir changes a lot by judging her at the normal standards and not letting her in you have one unhappy student more outwardly unhappy than most as it sounds like her disability makes it hard to express her feelings in a typical way but still one unhappy student had you lowered the standards to letter you're potentially upsetting the other students who were judged more harshly and didn't make it the students who got in the choir at the normal standard who now have to complete with someone who is weaker than the standard and the parents of both groups to make one student happy keep in mind this may not make her happy as the student who got into the choir at the normal standard may begin to resent her and bully her if they lose a competition not saying it's her fault but she'd be an easy scapegoat and kids are mean this i worked hard and got into a similar competitive choir in 11th grade and the teacher led a freshman student in which was previously not allowed ever and it soured me to where i quit the next year now i can't in good conscience call her an [ __ ] for crying and throwing tantrums because i suspect her developmental disability is at fault but you're completely justified in making admission into the chamber choir married based yes one thing that seems to be a common result of her disabilities is that she is very prone to strong emotional reactions i don't want to call her an r but how long are you supposed to allow her to throw tantrums and cause a scene i understand she's developmental challenged but maybe you should speak to the counselor or her parents and let them know that you feel bad but they need to explain to her that what she's doing isn't okay if you wouldn't tolerate that from a student that wasn't disabled why give her a pass when you said you're treating her just like all your other students yay i'm surprised she doesn't have any support staff that has intervened in this situation i've worked kids with a wide range of disabilities and even from my kids who were severe there are still behavioral expectations and consequences she has a paraprofessional with her a lot of the time but the sad truth is that most of the parents at our school are under trained and usually don't deal with situations properly or at all this is something i and a few other teachers are pushing to change nta my children's school's chamber choir was audition only if she isn't good enough to pass the audition it shouldn't matter whether she's special needs especially since you have a less competitive choir that doesn't require auditioning i mean i understand the guilt you might be feeling but not the a-hole now what a sad situation you're not excluding her from singing in your choir and you gave her the chance to try out for the more advanced one part of life is learning that we can't have everything we want is it sad though i respect the child's disappointment and frustration but auditioning and not being selected is a very typical experience she got to be a kid i understand why op is questioning the situation too she had equal opportunity and it doesn't seem her disability was a factor at all pity seems a little ableist in this situation not that i'm reading pity from your comment just because rejection is a part of life it doesn't mean it's not sad rejection sucks even for adults so yay it's kind of sad especially when you add in the fact that her disability is compounding her distress am i the antagonist for not wanting to continue fighting for custody of my nine-year-old daughter hello rudit i posted this last night but it was removed i know the title will automatically have many call me the [ __ ] but i'm really struggling with my situation my ex and i share our daughter 50 50. we do not have the best relationship constantly in and out of court since my daughter was one she married into money has everything she's ever wanted more children multiple cars etc but she still wants full custody of our daughter when covered started she kept our daughter claiming i would expose her she refused to let me see her or talk to her for two months i of course contacted the police multiple times who did nothing and my attorney couldn't do anything when restrictions were lifted i was reunited with my daughter things were great for the first couple of days but then her attitude changed she was always sad and crying took a while but my wife and i were able to create a safe enough space for her to share her feelings long story short what she shared made me report it to cps with the consultation of my attorney when cps finally got involved the investigator found nothing but my ex essentially blamed everything on me apparently during the time my ex didn't allow me to see my daughter she had our daughter write a diary of how unhappy she was with me and my wife how mean and horrible we are to her what we do to her all of which are complete lies the cps investigator confirmed that's what my daughter said and has the diarrhea's proof we were being charged with all these allegations and we lost custody when it was time to say goodbye my daughter was sobbing saying that she was sorry for lying she explained that her mother made her write those things she said it's easier to live with mom than with me because if she stopped loving me and my wife her mom will be happy now ready this is where i'm so torn i love my daughter but this has been happening since she was an infant her mom makes false reports on how i do all these bad things i have to constantly prove my innocence in court drop thousands of dollars in court fees for the judge to always order me to do anger management or parental courses my attorney says i will have to do a step up program under supervision to see my daughter again i have to talk to a therapist take more courses get counseling for me and my wife among other things this still doesn't ensure that i will be able to see my daughter again my attorney also says that if given custody back i will have to be very careful with my daughter because since she made these allegations the next time mom wants to try something they will automatically take her away and i could face jail time i'm exhausted so tired of this uphill battle for me to constantly get pushed back down i wonder if it would be easier not only on me by my daughter eliminating me from her life could make it easier on her again i know i sound like an [ __ ] i probably am i just don't know what to do anymore [Music] i have no crowds row give advice or judge you i'll share my idea and you can tell me back if i'm crazy or renee make a pact with your daughter keep however many visitations you are allowed and play your wife's games tell your daughter how much you love her but you will step back and stop this war every time you see her tell her how much you love her and keep in touch in five years or so she will have more power to decide what she wants don't disappear from your daughter's life but show to her that you never stopped loving her and that you will never forget her nine years old are already smart and they are aware of things around them what is wrong and what is right make sure that there is no doubt in her mind that you love her wholeheartedly keep in constant contact with her like getting her a cell phone or something so you can call or chat with your daughter give her a plushie or something cute so that she can remember you by nta if you're facing the possibility of jail time but i agree continue to show and tell her that you love unconditionally for the rest of her childhood if you aren't able to spend time with her in the same physical space do video chats write letters email call message weekly at least send her packages for special occasions but also just when you see things that remind you of her share things about yourself and ask about her so she still feels like you know her and she knows you do not stop the communication even if it's only one way if for some reason you don't think she'll see these communications because your ex will intercept then keep a record slash copy of any communication or gift to give to her at a later date every letter email or gift you would have sent good luck opus [Music] nta i'm so sorry for your situation if you do that please tell your daughter that is not her fault and she can contact you when she wants once slashes able we did sit down and talk to her that it wasn't her fault whatsoever we told her our door will always be open and we will always love her maybe write her a letter every time you miss her to give to her when she is older and better to comprehend the entire situation it's a free way to show how much you continue to care and a way of showing how you're fighting to be there for her i think this would be fine for rob's use but i also feel like this would make the daughter feel so much guilt my situation isn't as bad as ops but i was a child who had to choose where to live during a custody argument and i still feel extremely guilty 15 years later if my dad gave me letters like that it would break me completely edit and when i mean ops use i mean something like a journal i absolutely wouldn't know i assumed if the daughter felt like her father gave up on her when in reality just doesn't have the resources it would be refreshing to just have thinking about you letters again i have never been in that situation so i could be completely wrong am i the antagonist for kicking my aunt out after hearing her comments about our baby who passed i'm feeling a lot right now and i don't know if it was an overreaction or not m20 and my girlfriend also 20 found out we were pregnant and were really excited about it planning how we were gonna make this work well the worst thing that could ever happened it my girlfriend miscarried at 15 weeks and our hearts were broken i still can't believe it's happening and my girl has been hurt bad by our loss it's only been over two weeks since it happened and we both really wanted to do something like a memorial but not a funeral that would be too hard for us to handle emotionally but still to at least have something special for our baby we decided to have family over at our house and we set up an ultrasound picture frame on a small table with candles it was only a few people and they brought food my girlfriend got overwhelmed an hour in and she went in our room to cry i went with her when she was done she told me to go back out and she's gonna clean herself up i was in the hallway when i heard one of my aunts grandpa's sister talking to her husband they were talking low but the convo echoed down the hallway so i heard her saying no it's sad but i think it's for the best how were they gonna take care of a baby her husband told her to stop talking like that but she kept going that she had a point and we were too young to have a child and probably would broke up right after our baby was born forcing our kid to grow up in separate homes i'm so glad my girl didn't come out of our room yet or she would heard that too my heart started beating fast and i called told and how angry she made me i walked right up to them and told her to repeat what she said to my face she was shocked that i heard and she said she didn't mean it i went off that i couldn't believe she would say that when we just lost our baby and i want her out of my apartment i was loud and everyone was staring my mom tried to calm me and ask what's going on but all i kept saying was for them to leave until they did there was whispering after but then everything went back to normal my girlfriend came out after and heard the yelling but i didn't want to say why i made my aunt leave later i told my mom and said she understands my anger my aunt is trying to contact me i don't wanna talk though i know she didn't mean to be heard but why say it like losing a baby we were excited for and already loved so much like it was a good thing we were happy and now we're in pain but she thinks it's fine because we were too young to be parents anyways idk if i can look at her the same some of my relatives who heard about what she said understand why this upset me but think i did overreact by kicking her out in front of everyone and think i should apologize so that's where i wonder if doing that to her made me tar my girlfriend knows now and she doesn't think she'd want anyone who said that around either [Music] nta your aunt didn't mean to be heard because she knew what she was saying was hurtful and awful and saying it in the same house at a memorial that's so [ __ ] shitty say what you want at home whatever but holy [ __ ] ntaopus no kidding even if you think something awful like that keep your mouth shut until the drive home better yet just keep your mouth shut period nta i'm sorry about your baby nta families don't like drama so you get the blame for causing the scene but she needs to apologize to you not the other way round families don't like drama that's extremely true like we all have that family member or in law we are told to ignore because that's how they are and we shouldn't make a scene even when it's just as simple as standing up for yourself this and it gets to the point where that relative becomes too stressful to deal with or too emotionally abusive the straw that breaks the camel's back nta regardless of what she thought or if you are or aren't too young to raise a child it was completely [ __ ] inappropriate to bring it up at a memorial forcer child she wants to voice her opinion in the car on the way home fine but saying that kind of [ __ ] in your presence while you're grieving is so far over the line agree whatever happened to if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything geez it was a memorial nta if she can't stay stuff like that to your face she shouldn't be saying it behind your back she's only sorry because she got caught nta if she felt that way she should have made an excuse to not attend that kind of negative energy should not have been brought to your home while you are grieving i'm sorry for your loss nta your aunt is entitled to her beliefs and for all i know maybe she has valid reason to think what she does i don't know the whole situation what i do know however is that the reception for your deceased child is no place to voice those beliefs and you had every right to be upset nta she is old enough to be held accountable for her actions you taught her a life lesson that should have been instilled in her decades ago you had a natural reaction and do not owe anyone an apology nta at your child's memorial your aunt said it was a good thing your kid was dead because you'd be bad parents anyway [ __ ] her i'm so sorry for your loss nta but i would probably let your aunt apologize for her behavior once you feel ready to repair the relationship i agree with you and i consider myself a fairly laid back and forgiving person but holy [ __ ] i don't think i would ever be ready to try to repair that relationship at first i read this is 804 kicking my aunt after hearing her comments you wouldn't even be the [ __ ] in that case your aunt has quite the nerf to say something like that and at an event to honor your lost loved one no less not the a-hole nta i'm so sorry for your loss you did the right thing your aunt isn't sorry for what she said and did she's sorry her big mouth got her caught i'd go no contact with her for a while there is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world i have this quote on wooden heart plaque with my back quote baby surname and the date that i lost them it has candles surrounding it i light them on the day the baby was due on the day i lost them and on the 15th of october when it is baby loss awareness week september 15th october and whenever i'm missing them which is pretty often take care of each other am i the antagonist for telling my niece that my husband is dead my husband died last year we have two beautiful children that are now five and eight when he died my sister made the trip up to the funeral she lives in a different state her husband stayed home with their kid i didn't think that was weird fast forward a year and my sister decided to visit me with kid and husband in tow her daughter is now seven at first it went well the kids were playing then my niece asked me when my husband would be back i was taken off guard and she says from his business trip some prying makes me realize my sister never told her he died now in other circumstances i won't let it go but my kids are still adjusting to daddy being gone we're all in therapy i didn't want them to hear this and think he was coming back so i sat my niece down and explained my husband died when she asked why i kept it simple and said he was sick she was fine and didn't seem upset well my sister is pissed she said that's her daughter and she doesn't understand death i said i have a kid younger and she gets it she told me that i should've asked her first i said she should've told me she was advertising my husband as alive bill is torn between us am i the antagonist nta it's incredibly insensitive and inappropriate of your sister to be telling your nieces alive i'm sorry for your loss especially if they will be seeing each other imagine if the kids hurt if fops five-year-old heard he was coming back it would have been devastating huge setback for the family i cannot imagine the setback that could happen if this was said in front of ops kids i feel bad for all of these kids ops kids and niece i feel like all of this should have been addressed way sooner nta children don't need to be protected from the idea of death especially when a family member dies it just needs to be presented in an age-appropriate manner which it sounds like you did in general the big talks about big subjects like this should be left to the parents but this wasn't an abstract direction you had discovered that your sister had flat out lead to her child about your husband's death and that needed fixing before as you rightly noted your niece said something that could have really hurt your children if your sister was so determined to avoid discussing your husband's death with her child she absolutely should have warned you that your niece believed he was away on a trip i'm sorry for your loss absolutely this the sister should have mentioned it rather than the op being put on the spot kids are always relaying stuff they've heard so surely the sister knew her kid would ask and seven is absolutely old enough to understand and begin learning about death there's plenty of kids cartoons that deal with this very subject the original lion king is one of my faves to discuss with my younger cousins they understood the vague concept of it even as toddlers it's honestly pretty unhealthy for the kid to be kept away from that sort of thing one of my face shows when i was seven was a uk cartoon called animals of farthing wood which was basically animated game of thrones with animals characters were killed off nearly every episode i definitely understood the difference between death and going away for a few weeks close bracket animals of farthing wood was harsh that and water ship down probably shaped me my bf bought me the box set for christmas and it was as harsh as i remember it was wild every time a new episode came out all the kids in my class would gather round and gossip about who died and who was next loved that show nta you were put on the spot and had to respond somehow and kindly explaining the truth is probably the best choice to make i can't even imagine how long your sister was planning to lie to her daughter how many family visits would pass before she told the truth exactly when was the sister going to be like obtw your uncle's been dead for years and i lied to you about the business trip better sooner than later that kind of thing would really [ __ ] up the trust between the mother and daughter someone else also mentioned what about when one of her own parents or someone else close actually does have to go on a business trip this poor kid is going to think they are never going to come back or that means they are going to die telling your kids the truth about everything in an age appropriate way is always the best choice wrong info and lies might make it easier on the parent at the time but that's laziness and only harms a child in the long run not the a-hole nta seven is old enough to understand death how did your sister not expect your niece to ask or comment anything when they were visiting you and your kids how did your sister not tell you before i'm really sorry for your loss opus but you're by not mean star here when i was four someone died i went to the funeral but then remembered it as a dream so i didn't realize that someone has died in real life for months i thought he was away for work and would be back in six months his daughter who was not even 10 kept crying every day i never said anything to her but i finally asked my mother why that girl had been crying for months my mom was surprised that i didn't know and assumed that she hadn't brought me to the funeral she told me he had died and that the girl was sad because she missed him i accepted that and moved on it wasn't difficult to understand especially after being told where his grave was located if i wanted to visit him i was seven and had a similar experience except the person was my mom i got pulled out of school and we spent days at the hospital after she got in a car wreck in the end she didn't make it but we were quickly taken to live with my dad in another state since they'd divorced when i was a baby i thought we were just going on summer vacation because that's all that would happen when we went to my dad's i don't think i really understood what had happened for years even now it feels like a dream do you recall if people really thoroughly sat you down and explained that your mom was dead because if not that sounds more painful to me if no one did and you just gradually realized summer vacation would never end and you'd never see your mom again a lot of people said sorry for my loss and i went to the funeral open casket i don't really remember if it was explained all that well though it was months before school was even over so maybe i should have realized but i think at that age sometimes you just don't really pay that much attention to stuff like that it's easier to go with the flow and listen to what the adults tell you i do think i'd have fanart better if someone explained better i did find a note my sister wrote me telling me all about how our mom was gone but she'd always be there for me your sister is tar here if she thinks a seven year old can't handle the concept of death what does she think you've been telling your own children and how did she think that was going to make your children feel when their cousin is acting like their dad is just away on a trip my kids knew what death was when they were three since that was when they asked i also told them where babies come from the first time they asked stop hiding things from your children people they are humans they are intelligent they can handle it yup my middle past when my eldest daughter was nearly three we explained in a kid-friendly way that mill was very sick and the doctors couldn't fix her so she had gone to heaven and she understood perfectly my mom works in childcare when my grandma died she was sad and tried explaining it to one of the kids around two or three telling the kid that her my mom's mom died who shot her she asked turns out this kid only knew about moms dying from bambi some additional information was needed to supplement what she had learned from disney that is both dark and adorable nta your sister is doing the exact opposite of what she thinks she's trying to do i can only imagine the harm that she's causing her daughter and could cause to your kids can you imagine the turmoil as a seven years old to realize your mom lied to you about your uncle dying i remember my mom lying to me about something when i was a kid and it shook my faith in a lot of the grown-ups to learn that adults could lie and be faulty dude my uncle died while i was on a school trip in middle school and my parents waited to tell me until i got home three days later and it [ __ ] me up i cannot imagine being explicitly lied to for months about someone's death that i can sort of understand they wanted you to enjoy your school trip maybe they wanted to tell you in person so they'd be able to comfort you i might have done the same thing but i understand why you were upset it's a tough call oh yeah i'm not mad at them now i wasn't even mad then i was just shattered emotionally but like you said they only waited to tell me and we weren't talking on the phone because of the school completion i was at if they had specifically talked to me and told me a lie like ops sister did i would have been furious to this day nta your sister is vastly underestimating what children can handle how did she expect this wouldn't come out when the kids played together exactly and that poor kid she's going to be extremely maladjusted if this is the way her parents are raising her i was thinking the same thing the real world is going to smack this kid in the face someday it's mind-boggling how some parents try to raise their kids in a bubble nta some people are replying no way holes here or everyone sucks here and they are coming from a place of you're interfering with her parenting however that's not the issue here if the cousins got together and started talking about when your husband was coming home that could have seriously harmed your children if your sister didn't want them to know she had a duty to keep her children away until they in her opinion could understand exactly and if niece had been chatting about it to her cousins cousins may well have told her themselves with less composure and would have been upset in the process yes or worse they could have had a messy argument about it either way there's gonna be a lot more hurt involved there nta wow can you imagine the damage that kid would do to your other kids if they had told them their father was still alive incredibly irresponsible of your sister to do that and especially not ever mention it [Music] nta your sister should have had that conversation prior to coming to your house it's ridiculous to expect you to lie to your niece and pretend he was coming home she absolutely should have warned you that your niece thinks he's on a business trip and she didn't sits on her and she's being 100 000 insensitive it's important to give kids experiences coping with grief when they are young so they can learn how to process that emotion better cell is very insensitive here you

Channel: Reddit Hunt

Views: 11,267

Rating: 4.9107141 out of 5

Keywords: aita, askreddit, reddit aita, reddit open marriage, reddit, cheating reddit, reddit cheating wife, reddit cheating, aita update, reddit relationships, reddit update, reddit stories, reddit funny, reddit breakup stories, reddit confession, relationship STORIES, reddit family relationships, reddit relationship advice, relationship drama, break ups, reddit cheating girlfriend, reddit revenge, reddit creepy, reddit school, reddit relationship stories, tifu, reddit hunt

Id: cvXR-r2eqs4

Length: 31min 6sec (1866 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 07 2020