AITA for educating friend when she insisted I bleached my skin | banning FIL from Kids + More

[Music] hi everyone hope you are feeling positive and healthy please subscribe with all bell notifications if you haven't already and please don't hesitate to leave your valuable feedback and advice below thank you very much let's jump into the stories [Music] am i the unreasonable one for not accepting a friend's concern or educating her when she insisted i bleached my skin i 22 years old female used to play basketball in the mornings before work every day for an hour or so i got pretty tanned because of it then the pandemic happened and we went into lockdown i shut myself in the house for the last few months ordering groceries online working out from home etc i went out only when very necessary also important is that i started dating my now boyfriend a few weeks before lockdown my tan started to fade pretty quickly because of the sudden lack of sun i met up with some friends for the first time in a while one of them is a friend of a friend jess i don't know her well we've only met once or twice before lockdown and she isn't added on any of my social media i meet up with them and my friends don't mention my skin since they've seen me on tanned and my social media pics however this is the first time jess has seen me without a tan she says you look totally different from the last time i saw you and i just reply that i haven't been in the sun much so my tan faded i thought that was the end of it until halfway through the conversation she brings up a youtube documentary she watched a while ago about how people of my culture bleach their skin to get better jobs marriage opportunities and how big movie stars in my country helped perpetuate it by promoting products that help lighten skin i ask her whether there's something she wants to tell me and she says she thinks it's weird how i suddenly became so much lighter after getting a boyfriend she thinks i use lockdown as an excuse to bleach my skin because i got a boyfriend this youtube documentary told her that we do it so it must be true of course she looks pretty offended when i don't do anything and just keep staring at her she thinks i'm lying because apparently there's no way there'd be such a big difference i tell her again that no i am not bleaching my skin and even if i were it's none of her business she leaves since i'm not willing to accept her concern friends are split on the issue some sided with me but some say i should have taken it in stride since she didn't mean any harm and only tried to help and that i should have educated her so she'd know better next time and telling her it's none of her business was unnecessarily rude not the unreasonable one wtf you're tan fated how dare you you don't owe her anything it is none of her business not the unreasonable one there's a difference between concern and judgmental accusations am i the unreasonable one for not coming back home for the birth of my child so my gf got pregnant in november it was unplanned but felt we were ready i work one month on one month off over in iraq but i haven't been home since march due to travel regulations my company has kept me here working seven days a week no crew change she wanted me to come home for when our son was born but if i go home i lose my job and in this economy i know i won't find anything in my line of work we haven't talked much in the past few weeks because she thinks i'm an a-hole for choosing work over her and the baby i've tried explaining to her that raising a kid is expensive and we can't live off her income she only makes 36 000 a year i make more than triple not the unreasonable one if i had had to make this decision when i was pregnant with my son now too i would have wanted my husband to stay in iraq it would have been amazing for you to be there but without an income you all would have been screwed nah it makes sense why you feel you need to stay it makes sense why she is upset hope you can work it out am i the unreasonable one for not letting my father-in-law in my or my children's lives my husband had been no contact with almost his entire family since he left for college as they rejected or were outright abusive to him for being gay especially his father in the over 25 years since he went no contact we never tried to reach out to my father-in-law and he never tried to do the same for us until now my husband died a few months ago i'd rather not share the specifics but it's been very traumatic for myself my children i have a twin son and daughter who were in their latest teens as well as another younger daughter and our chosen family a few days after he died his father shows up at my apartment uninvited he said he was sorry for how he treated my husband and for being missing from his grandchildren's lives i was furious at him told him that it was too late that he couldn't walk back into his son's life now that he's dead to be honest i got carried away insulting and attacking him i had a lot of pent-up aggression against him after years of hearing how awfully he treated my husband for that reason i'm definitely an a-hole since then he keeps calling me begging me to forgive him and let him see his grandchildren some people have told me i should forgive him so my children can have an actual grandfather and actual relatives but they do my college mentor and father figure and his wife as well as the parents of one of my friends have stepped up as grandparent figures and my husband and i's chosen family have filled the roles of aunts and uncles also as i mentioned we do keep in touch with some of my husband's cousins so they do have some actual relatives not that it does or should matter my children have told me they love our patchwork family as they call it and wouldn't want it any other way i asked the twins if they wanted to meet their grandfather both said no some people have argued that they only said no because they know i hate him that may be true as my husband and i were open from the start about why they never saw most of their dad's family but we didn't tell them anything that wasn't true i didn't ask my youngest as i don't think she's emotionally mature enough yet my last reason for not wanting any contact is i don't know if he actually changed his homophobic views or if he's only saying that so that i'll forgive him if he hasn't but i let him in i fear that he may start to abuse my son for being bi and having a boyfriend as he did my husband for being gay i've been told to give him the benefit of the doubt but i don't think i can slash i honestly don't want to i simply don't want him in my life my kids don't want him either but part of me feels like an ass for not at least giving him a chance am i the unreasonable one also just want to clarify two things one all three kids are adopted too when i say that i feel i should give my phil a chance i don't mean i'm going to force my kids to see him if that what i decided to do only that i would try to talk to him i would never force my kids into a situation they were uncomfortable with not the unreasonable one your kids have voiced their choice that's it whoever is telling you to give them actual family sounds like they have never actually had someone that abusive that i can only imagine that the victim literally cut them out of their life not the unreasonable one he could have tried to win his son back each and every day over all these years now he chooses to want to see his grandchildren after his son dies he didn't say he wanted a good relationship with you or make up for past mistakes he tries to make himself feeling better about never patching thing up with his son while he was alive i wouldn't believe his good intention either and he hasn't made an effort to prove you wrong he only demands to see his grandchildren am i the unreasonable one i don't want to visit my grandparents sorry if i mess up with english i'm 16 meters and my grandparents on my mom's side live in her hometown 40 minutes away from our city they're both sick my grandpa is a cancer survivor and grandma has basically every medical issue you can think she can barely walk and we couldn't visit them for two months because of the pandemic we couldn't even travel to the nearby town but now the laws are more relaxed and my parents want to take me and my younger sisters and spend the next weekend at my grandparents house to see them and help them out so why is this a problem for me well i kind of hate my grandma she's self-obsessed and has caused so much pain to my grandpa and parents she constantly complains about how bad she has it and no one else obviously when grandpa had surgery she was constantly like poor me why is god inflicting this pain on me and so on she also kicked my sister with a cane once because or something my dad did he didn't speak to her for two months after that but that doesn't last long my parents always go back to help her because she's our family also she's extremely ignorant and intolerant i'm bi and have a boyfriend and i'm forbidden from telling that to my grandparents because they could have a heart attack or something so instead when i visit them i have to lie and say i'm not seeing anyone just laugh politely when they ask me about girls just bury it all in and ignore your feelings and they are especially loud about their opinions it's not even just grandma but grandpa do when something lgbtq comes up on tv for example there has been a debate about whether same-sex couples should be able to adopt in our country and my grandparents said really really nasty things that made me want to cry especially since i want to have a baby with my boyfriends when i grow up but i have to suppress everything because i'm a kid and they're my sick old grandparents so i have to respect them i've already talked about this with my psychologist on skype and he said i have the right to ask my parents for compromise that i don't have to visit my grandparents if they'll allow me to be constantly abused like this and my mom got angry when i told her this she hates when me or my sisters don't want to go somewhere all the time she thinks we're lazy but especially if it's about visiting family then we're ungrateful and don't have respect for family members she always brings up their illness and age to make me feel bad and surprise she succeeds so i have to question myself and if i'm really being as selfish a whole maybe i am but i'm not objective enough to realize definitely not the unreasonable one your grandmother being sick and old is no excuse to treat you that way you're completely in the right if you don't want to visit her when she makes you feel awful your mother is being unfair by guilt-tripping you [Music] nope han if you don't want to visit them because you don't believe what they do that is your choice it don't matter that they are related to you you choose your family blood don't make it so that you have to tolerate their bad beliefs tell your mom you don't want to see them and stand your ground am i the unreasonable one for telling my mother-in-law to leave our family gathering after she broke boundaries throwaway account i 31 years old female can have kids pcos when i met my now husband 33 years old male i was very upfront about it and told him that i never wanted kids nor could i physically give him one he understood and didn't want kids either so we were on the same page my husband is the only male child out seven siblings my mother-in-law was furious when she found out we weren't having kids we tried setting boundaries with her on this and other topics but she's stubborn after four years of her behavior we slowly cut off most contact except for family gatherings and such she was for the lack of a better term third wheeling our marriage this past father's day the siblings and so's got together to celebrate at our home husband and i hosted because we have the space to gather safely mother-in-law and father-in-law get here it was going fine until dinner she had been drinking some one of my sister-in-law is pregnant and we were all talking about baby names mother-in-law was making a few small remarks about how husband and i would never hold a little bundle of joy like it was a joke then mother-in-law said something like give the baby your last name so at least someone might pass on our name to sister-in-law while looking directly at my husband he told her to stop and she did for a while then we were cleaning everything up i was in the kitchen with pregnant sister-in-law and mother-in-law came in and asked how we were i said fine how are you and she had the audacity to say not that great since husband's name married you sister-in-law told her to stop and that she needs to go back outside but i said no you need to leave go home i don't want you here i didn't say it in a rude tone or yell just firmly i know she had been drinking and influenced what she said and i know i was upset and what i said was in the heat of the moment but she had never once before attacked my husband's decision to marry me to my face she did eventually leave with father-in-law after making a big scene in front of everyone about how i was throwing her out husband was on my side after sister-in-law and i told him what mother-in-law said but father-in-law has pissed at me for kicking mother-in-law out and how it made her feel unwanted by her family a few of husband's sisters took their parents side and think we mostly me are a holes i don't feel like i was in the wrong for telling her to leave but after a week and a half of sitting with it and talking to his siblings husband is feeling iffy about the situation and thinks mother-in-law was wrong but maybe i should have just let it go because we don't see them often am i the unreasonable one for saying what i did also every case is different and every person's body is different for me my doctor told me i was not able to have children at all i can't have them no chance at all and my doctor said it was from the picas but it's not like this for everyone this is just my case edit again i can't have kids your case is not my nor is your family or friends you are not any of my doctors i appreciate the concern but it isn't needed thank you made her feel unwanted in the family a baby from her son won't fix whatever hole she has inside of her not the unreasonable one lol she feels unwanted after she told you she wished you weren't part of the family too funny am i the unreasonable one for only agreeing to take in a cat if i get to keep it so my daughter has this friend which is having issues at home with her parents i don't know the full story but to my knowledge the situation is that my daughter's friend moved in with her boyfriend and bought a cat together they broke up and she ended up moving back in with her parents with the cat the situation is that her parents are threatening to kick out my daughter's friend unless she gets rid of the cat my daughter has asked me if i was able to take in the cat just until her friend finds her own place but my issue is that i don't think it's fair for the cat to be moved back and forth over and over again just as it gets comfortable also we already have our own cat and my concern is that our cat will get attached to the new cat and be heartbroken and sad when he leaves again so i put my foot down and said that the only way i would take the cat in is if i get to keep her in the end my daughter thinks i'm being unreasonable and selfish but i'm just looking out for the welfare of the cat am i in the wrong here not the unreasonable one if this isn't acceptable to the friend looking to re-home the cat she's free to find a different solution not the unreasonable one any good pet owner would be concerned for the happiness of their pet you don't want to upset your own cat or the homeless cat you're a good human you are not the only option this cat has if current owner doesn't like your suggestion she is free to make other arrangements am i the unreasonable one for wiping my daughter off the board in risk i think she's d.a she thinks i'm ta she's 15 and going through a really angry rebellious phase everyone else in the house feels like her prisoner backstory she always yells at me saying i don't spend time with her but when i do offer half the time she says no and the other half she just huffs and puffs through it or stays on her phone even though i let her choose what we do most of the time if i suggest anything she says no when we do hang out she criticizes and insults me from the very basic i don't like the way you say bingo to personal and cruel insults dot she will purposely ruin board games in various ways i have been over backwards to accommodate her the rest of my family and my therapist and her therapist all told me to stop being a doormat so she asked to play risk a few weeks ago but i've been sick i realized i had put it off too long we have spent other time together but i wasn't up to a long strategic game so we set it up to play last night it's not classic risk it's actually way better and we've had it for a decade or more so the whole family has an understanding of strategy we start by putting one army unit on each of our own territories and then we take turns placing more units because of the die role i went before her despite me having a natural advantage in one area and her having two areas of advantage on the board that she could have easily taken over completely she saw me load up my area and proceeded to only put armies down only in her small spots around my area of domination abandoning her two areas of the board i started by asking her if she had a strategy she got mad and said yeah take all the purple land which is where i had the natural advantage and had zero footing elsewhere on the board i told her it was an a-hole move and a waste of both of our resources and showed her on the board how we had both now stuffed one tiny area and that now she was stuck and couldn't work her two well-populated areas she told me i was sad for caring so much so i bought as many commanders as i could on my first turn and wiped out her army in my area she then refused to play she wouldn't even shore up her two other armies on her turn she was wiped out completely by turn two she says i'm ta for caring so much and then wiping her out i say she's d.a for purposely trying to ruin the game for me eta as some have pointed out she does have bigger issues going on which is why she is in therapy and yes her dad and i went through a really rough batch but as far as the kids know that is over the oldest two her and one is an adult living at home have said that they're grateful our home is happy and peaceful and that the rough patch is over thanks to her hard work and therapy and support groups we have worked our asses off to come back from it and reassemble our family unit any struggles are in private and or worked out on reddit lol not the unreasonable one good luck hopefully she grows out of that crap soon definitely not the unreasonable one here but i'd really like to note something that concerns me while rebellious aggressive antisocial behavioral changes are not by any means abnormal in teens the girls i knew that were quite this brand of a-hole were really struggling in one or more areas in their life through just excessively stressful circumstances or sometimes different kinds of abuse is there anything really working her up on a regular basis at school or extra activities is there anyone in her life that she seems to rely on a little more than everyone else i don't mean to ring the alarm bells too too loud but i do think it's important added for more detail if i had to identify one behavior you've described as the behavior that made me feel this concern it would be her insisting that you don't spend enough time with her while simultaneously rejecting you as hurtfully as possible when you do spend time with her she's feeling very alone again that isn't inherently abnormal but the degree to which she's displaying it is something i've seen in girls who have been through some really rough experiences with the important people in their lives subscribe and turn on the notification bell for more stories delivered to you thanks for listening see you later [Music] you

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Id: KNpnTZfgeYg

Length: 19min 17sec (1157 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 15 2020