Aisling Bea | Russell Howard's Good News | FULL CLIP

well there you are oh look at that the last time I saw my name written that many times on the wall of a toilet and the tyrant of rum but look how far I've come hurry which is also quite similar to something else that was written on the wall at the toilet so yeah I'm just delighted to be here really I'm just really happy I feel a bit like a Niall Horan one direction do you mean for those of you who don't know One Direction is like a group of singing children made up entirely of fringes and inappropriate thoughts and I'll Horan's like the Irish one and it's just so happy to be there you know because like the group was made up of like four angels and nine is just a normal lived he is all of us and he's just so delighted to be there like you always see the camera panning across the mall you know and it's just like you're insecure it's your niche as you work through the door at the end not to the same things as anyone else just click it away winking Rikin away winking 'he's like irish heroin you know uh you know to me everyone says Oh Ashlyn you know and you shouldn't be so hard on nya Lee you know because he's you know the one in the group but you know that he is hoovering up the punani that the pretty wouldn't so want just delighted to be here I often I often have to go back you know to visit my mother in Ireland and she thinks I live this crazy life in London where I like brush my teeth with cocaine and wipe my ass with money do you know so she thinks she thinks that every time I go home to Ireland she has to like remind me about debt you know so I come in the door I'm like hey mommy how are you how is it great to be home will you never believe who's dead buzz he'll come on and then what ensues as what I can only describe as a game of death guess who for I don't know who's dead mommy watch it does he have a mustache no fine does he wear a hat not anymore and so when I go home I like to use my acting for bad so I go in the door like hey mommy how's it going how's everything been you know to me and she's like well you'll never believe who's dead and at that stage and very basically I basically just fold the floor day and a breezeway till I teach children about death is with pets you know psychologically it's a great way to teach children about death so you know like you buy your child a hamster and then after five years when it's attached to it you break its neck and then you've all right now I'm going to teach you what's going to happen to granny very soon and then you die in bade and the circle continues you know to mean would like when I was growing up we had this pet rabbit called bubbles and like bubbles I thought had a great life you know just running around booing in our shoes I was like there's a guy who knows how to party but like you never know what's going on inside someone's head lads and one night bubbles got out his hutch and he bit away at the wire in his Hadj like this until sort of came out in a long spear and then he turned himself around and he reversed his iris hole onto Baxter and M it punctured every single organ on the whale and they say he died of a broken heart in the end so the next morning my mother had to sort of you know him off the wire and it was up to my neighbor Jim Murphy to bury bubbles a rabbit juniors main and so Jim joga gray for bubbles as he remembered him which is a small little rabbit like this but when Roberts died they don't die as they were they died with their arms sort of longer than the rears of the legs longer than their short lights and so my first memory of death was basically standing in front of this grave with Jim Murphy in front of me and going in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit and then dear Jesus we give you bubbles a rabbit to bury to go to heaven with all the other angel rabbits believe it there was Jim Murphy in front me kind of shoving bubbles into the grave at the end of his welly boat like this and still to this day lads whenever I have bad sex I can't help but be reminded of Jim Murphy shoving a flaccid rabbit into a hold of a great way to end up not dead in general is just sort of look after yourself and be into exercise you know and like that's a great idea in theory like they say that you should really go running for your sanity and stuff but I would rather be as mad as a pair of cats fighting to get out of a sack then go for a run JUnit which is actually when I don't wear a sports bra quite the same thing that it looks like you know and there is only one exception to that rule and that is dancing OMG [ __ ] the bed lads I don't recent Dyson I really do and I know you're all looking at me going no Aisling we all know what type of dancing you like I did a your Idol daughter don't know kpop actually God we love hip-hop I really do lads like even now you're listening to all this really good English coming out of my mouth but inside my mind of like the palms are sweaty knees are weak arms are spaghetti like always hiccup jamuna me myself and my sister Sinead are mad into the hip hop and we go wiggity wiggity wack you know as soon as a new urban hip hop street dance movie comes out ah do you know the type of film I'm talking about it's like Romeo and Juliet but with straight dance she knows me the storylines always like he is from one form of dance she is probably from another form of dance she has a bit of a dead parent he is a stripper was really he wants to be a carpenter oh she teaches underprivileged kids how to do hip hop a little community center oh but wait the community center is going to close down but wait now there is a talent show with the exact same amount of prize money needed to fix the community myself and Sinead are in that cinema and we are eating this for breakfast like oh my god the odds are really stacked against him I don't know if he's ever going to stop into the stripper hmm we go back to that cinnamon or like hey Sinead how are we going to get home the only way we know how through hip-hop ou-texas ages to get home but the only thing is living in London and being mad into the hip hop dancing as I am I find dancing is very segregated so like when I want to go onto my hip and my hop dancing I have to go to a hip-hop club and like say for example if I was into cheesy music I'd have to go somewhere for cheesy people or and if I wanted to go and listen to funk music I'd have to go somewhere for douchebags you know there's something for everyone but nothing for everyone do you know what I mean and that's very different when I was growing up because when I was growing up in the small town of Kildare there was only one nightclub for about a 20 mile radius and that nightclub had to cater for all sorts of musical tastes why because for a 20-mile radius that nightclub was the only place for young people to breed so it had to cater for all sorts of musical tastes the DJ was a bit like David Attenborough you know he knew exactly what music to play to bring the males and females together at the watering hole or the dance floor you know so it's 9 p.m. and all the females arrive all the females always travel in packs and all very nervous you know we're all very nervous women we've only had about nine vodkas you know roll - and wash off fake tan some of us have stood up before we've entirely finished our we blend in the back in as you walk out struggling for the pain and the whole big thing now is to get the women onto the dance floor do you know what I mean so you play music that women can mime - yeah women love miming they do they love miming give it a choice between walk and summer and following an invisible rope always follow the invisible rope I mean they're down on the dance floor no I don't want no scrubs a scrub ah come on Eileen there's a problem with this picture here as a French would say Oh a Lacock where's the lap dance floor you have to get some men down there so you have to lay some base so what do all males love what - all men love of all races religions and creeds what do you love so sorts they all love lots they do so you play music by empowered women as the men who keep telling to keep singing without their top Sun tell them that they are so when I was growing up was like dearly gonna get a little own Rudy a little and we were having sex with each other's legs sex with the walls all like this you know no it's very important if you're a woman dancing that you dance like you're a man having sex dance like you're a woman having sex you look like a joyous name so you there you go de Franchi little ruling and now women release her final form of base which is their hair yeah very much in the same way a female cash will lift up her tail and release her are sent into the wine a woman uses her hair so like sturdy go get Lila I were going Martin or cleaning the floor with our hair and our own leg room and everything's going on the men are over by the dance floor and they're like Jesus there seems to be an awful lot of hair going on donated on school I think something might be a force that's right labs slots are a force get you down all right you couldn't just walk into that of you're a man you could get your knob punched you know so you have to play something that men can dance to you have to get the men down there what does the DJ play don't under ground men love jumpin Shanker now give it a choice between walk and somewhere and jumpin I always choose to jump as soon as a DJ see that or some eye contact be made he slow things down but not too dramatically quite slowly with some happy hardcore dance music yes dance music is used to mop up all the eejits around the sides who think that they can't dance but everyone can dance to dance music is named up the main form of dance which is dance unlike mime you don't have to listen to the storyline because basically you just pretend to be doing stuff from around the house chop and bread butter in the Brett point and checking your Facebook you know because dance music is just a series of beeps play paper Pippi Pippi BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR and then and I'm not being xenophobic but a Germanic person singing a sentence that no one understands tell me why do we build castles in duska I don't know why the men in the women are there sucking each other now and it's all going well as soon as the DJ season circling each other it is time to drop the slow set the slow set is the opportunity to touch tit so all of a sudden you've just been having a bit of a fish - some insomnia or something like that and then BOOM I don't wanna close my eyes I'm poor no fair no fair no she didn't go for it she must be frigid and then as we know the bouncer comes around and he says here lads leave space for Jesus leave space for Jesus but as we know it's grand because after Lent Jesus was quite a pain man so you don't have to leave to your face you know and then we don't want the babies made here on the dance floor tonight so it is time to wrap up the evening heard you're a Papa disco with the Irish national anthem yay you take your hand out of whoever's pants it's been down you put it on your heart and you sing sure no fear NARTH or how you gettin home don't know yet oh but that's actually not from Lord of the Rings it's a real language recognised by the EU so missus underboob now then you take your raffle ticket out of your bra and you go to the cloakroom to get your jacket now women go and get their jackets men don't because they are naturally protected from the weather by Fred Perry so then we all go me go and we get her bag of chips and we go into the car park to watch the fight yeah honestly lads like living in London people ashleen ashleen don't go watch the fight don't get involved don't get involved in my ever knife he might have a knife if I don't get involved in the face how am I going to know what it's about well you go down to watch the fight you're like oh god I just want any drama now tonight I just do not want any drama I do not want any drama don't want any drama no with this fight oh my god I think it might be about me you're Denise horny earrings I'm born in Oh John jr. Sean scene or your bull brother stop fighting you bought fingered me equally well just stop fighting about it is all and then everyone drunk drives home and so I I'm going to leave you on this as you know we're coming into the summer and I'm not a particularly tanned person well then here's a tip should you wish to appear exotic a walk around with a giant Toblerone underneath your arm like someone's been away not even nobly Ivan will and Blair have a lovely evening

Channel: Avalon Comedy

Views: 727,514

Keywords: Russell Howard's Good News (TV Program), Aisling Bea (Film Actor), comedy, Comedian (Profession), Stand-up Comedy (TV Genre), Edinburgh Festival (Recurring Event), Edinburgh Festival Fringe (Film Festival), Entertainment

Id: jhA2OEN5Dxo

Length: 14min 14sec (854 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 15 2014