This podcast features adults using adult language. You have been warned... [Guitar playing Cowboy/Western-style music] [Crowd cheers] [More cheering] Thank you! Thank you... Welcome to Acquisitions Incorporated Live D&D game at PAX South in San Antonio. Our FIRST one! [Cheering] Yeah! Alright Uh, there is a lot of adventure to pack into these three hours, so I'm just going to jump right in. My name is Chris Perkins, I am your Dungeon Master for this afternoon and I've got four fantastic players I'd like to introduce you to, and you know them already... ...but here we go... Morgan Webb [Cheers] [...and clapping] Patrick Rothfuss [Cheering] [Horn sounds] [Audience laughter] Patrick, do you want to show 'em off that fine sword you got? [Patrick mutters something] [Cheering] PATRICK: Thank you [laughs] Audience member: What HO, Man! CHRIS: What HO! Jerry Holkins! [Cheering and clapping] [Horn sounds] ...and Mike Krahulik! [Cheering and clapping] CHRIS: Alright, you guys got your swanky dice...I got my Acquisitions Incorporated dice. JERRY: Oh yeah, exactly...on brand. On brand. Always be branding. I'm in character already. [Chris laughs] CHRIS: So, thank you everybody for coming
to our little game. JERRY: Yeah, I appreciate it. CHRIS: Alright... so... As you guys recall, a few...a couple of games back, JERRY: A couple few...a couple few games back... CHRIS: Acquisitions Incorporated had some nasty run-ins with the Black Network, also known as the Zhentarim and they pillaged and attacked your base--your headquarters in Waterdeep ...and they killed all your interns and they stole all your stuff. JERRY: Which is inconvenient. CHRIS: Yes. MIKE: But not insurmountable. JERRY: Not insurmountable... MORGAN: A little disrespectful...I feel like. JERRY: Rude! MORGAN: Rude, let's go with rude. CHRIS: ...and since then, the company's fallen on a bit of hard times, but, y'know there is a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. JERRY: You should consult with me before the adventure about how bad things get. [Chris chuckles] CHRIS: But, uh, to kind of help things out... ...uh... ...Patrick... You went a little off the range, and, uh, took it upon yourself to undertake a side venture. PATRICK: I'm pretty sure that's in my job description. CHRIS: Yeah. MIKE: You're given a lot of leeway, I think, by the boss...yeah. PATRICK: There is a lot of leeway that exists, and I'm pretty sure that ...that I'm supposed to do that. I've just never asked. [Audience chuckles] CHRIS: So being the resourceful, well-informed rogue that you are, you had heard rumor, some time ago, of a legendary, giant-slaying warhammer, called "Whelm". JERRY: Is that with an "H"? CHRIS: Wuh-Wuh-Helm... JERRY AND MORGAN: Wuh-Helm CHRIS: Yes! ...that has fallen into the Zhentarim's possession and they've brought it to the city of Waterdeep to auction it off to the highest bidder. You think, to bolster your friend Omin's spirits, that would be the perfect birthday gift. MORGAN: He is such a sweetheart. CHRIS: Yeah. So, you sent the sole, other remaining intern off to confirm where the Zhentarim has been hiding this legendary weapon. ...and that intern is Mörgæn. JERRY: Oh... So you worked it all out. CHRIS: Yes...so she has been undercover ...for what could be months, WEEKS, months... ...and Mörgæn, you've learned exactly where the Zhentarim are keeping this weapon-- it is in a warehouse on Sail Street in Waterdeep. MIKE: It's just like Storage Wars... [Laughter] CHRIS: Yep! I got a copy right here. MIKE: We're gonna clip that padlock off... JERRY: It's a warhammer! [Laughter] CHRIS: Now, we all know you don't actually wield a warhammer, you have a mace... but it's basically the same thing, just different shape. JERRY: I would wield it. CHRIS: Yeah JERRY: A++. Would wield. MIKE: Would wield again. CHRIS: And, uh... you know, Viari, you've heard rumors that this weapon is more than just magical, it actually has a personality. PATRICK: Oh, that's...gotta be a...good thing. [Audience laughter] MIKE: When your hammer is also a person? ALL: Yeah...yeah. Uh, so, but it's a much desired item. So much so that it's actually, according to rumor, traveled from distant worlds to get here. PATRICK: Oh... MORGAN: It WANTS to find us... JERRY: Yeah, exactly right. MORGAN: It was on Match.com [Patrick cracks up] It saw your profile... JERRY: It swiped right... MORGAN: Yeah, exactly. CHRIS: So, Mörgæn, you haven' seen these guys for some time because you have been deep undercover in the Black Network. I would like you to make a perception check for me. MIKE: Wow, time to start. MORGAN: It's time to start. [Morgan indistinct] JERRY: Just scoop your dice out of there. MORGAN: Here we go guys. Seven! CHRIS: Alright. ...so... They're on to you. [Laughter] MORGAN: Probably should've rolled that a little earlier, shouldn't I? CHRIS: You being the type of ranger that you are why walk through the city streets when you can dodge across rooftops and avoid contact with the bulk of the Waterdhavian denizens. and so... Am I allowed to roll for dexterity real quick? [Morgan laughs] CHRIS: In fact, if you want to make that roll now... MORGAN: Let's just do it. CHRIS: Be my guest. You can use acrobatics if you have it. ...or athletics. MORGAN: Uhhhh, yeah, why don't we just do dexterity... Uh, so, I may trip a little bit... I got a - a nine, that's fine, right Chris? CHRIS: Okay MORGAN: Thank you. CHRIS: You are running across rooftops and you know there is a Zhentarim assassin pursuing you, also chasing you across the roof. MORGAN: Perfect. CHRIS: You haven't been able to make him out, exactly, other than he is surprisingly large and he has a surprisingly large bow. ...and he takes a shot at you now. ...and rolls a nineteen on the die. Oh! JERRY: Yeah, 'kay, there's no camera behind the screen. [Laugher] JERRY: ...y'know what I mean? CHRIS: So, you catch this bolt and take sixteen points of damage. PATRICK: Oh... MIKE: Jeez... CHRIS: As it tears through your armor and your flesh. MIKE: I'm always surprised to look and see how much health everyone has but me. [Laughter] Like I'm thinkin', "Oh, you're a ranger, you wear, like, not heavy plate mail." You have, like, double my health. JERRY: You need to hit the gym, is what it is. MIKE: I AM the Jim. [Laughter] MIKE: I need the Jim to be hit less. [Laughter] JERRY: That was, that was incredibly fast, Mike. MIKE: This is the only thing I'm good at. Thank God this is my job. CHRIS: Uh, so after taking that damage, you find yourself spinning around on the roof like a top and I need you to make a dexterity saving throw. JERRY: Jesus... MIKE: Man... JERRY: He's starting off with a bang. MORGAN: Hopefully he gets it out of his system. JERRY: Oh, roll, roll in the tray so our friends can see. MORGAN: So they can witness--they can be a part of this? This special event that's about to happen? JERRY: No fudge. MORGAN: Can you guys see it? MIKE: Yeah. MORGAN: It's a four. [Laughter] MORGAN: But, plus THREE! JERRY: Hey, so that's that's seven.
That's LIKE a good number... CHRIS: Yep. So, you go, you go tumbling off the six-story roof of the... JERRY: Holy shit! [Mike laughs] MIKE: It was REALLY nice to have you back at the... [Mike and Jerry talking over each other] MORGAN: I'll see you guys at the Chipotle after. CHRIS: ...and as you fall--you're in this area of the city called the Castle Ward and it's mostly made up of austere, stone government buildings interspersed with various wealthy, very tall, narrow buildings that serve as residence and estates. JERRY: ...and a lot of pillows, just liberally sprinkled... CHRIS: ...and a pillow shop directly below you. MIKE: How fortuitous. PATRICK: I was thinking it was probably more likely that this was right in between the Broken Glass District... [Laughing] JERRY: ...and Spike Town... [Laughter] CHRIS: So, as you tumble off, you see that there is another, sort of, pitched rooftop at a lower level about two stories below you, and you hit that and take eleven points of damage. JERRY: So hit with the arrow, hit the roof, roll...I assume... CHRIS: Yes, you sort of slip--the roofs are pretty steep, so you kinda slid down some slate off one roof, and basically landed on the peak of another. JERRY: Ah! MIKE: Uhh! JERRY: With your spine! CHRIS: "With your spine." JERRY: Very therapeutic, I understand. CHRIS: ...and as you land there you realize you're still three stories off of the road below you. MORGAN: Perfect. CHRIS: ...and you can see a small horde of about six or eight dark clad figures who have also been chasing you across the ground, converging on your location. They're like a swarm of cloaked rats. JERRY: It might just be a band. Like... They might be on tour...I mean they might not have nothing... Anyway, you should definitely do some... CHRIS: As you gasp and try to struggle to get the air back in your lungs MORGAN: Okay CHRIS: What do you do? You can see that the archer, who nearly impaled you is still leaping, rooftop to rooftop, in your direction, MORGAN: Mm-hmm CHRIS: but, there's far more dangerous adversaries below you. What would you like to do? MORGAN: Okay, I'm going to try to get up and stay on the roof...tops... CHRIS: Okay Do you want to... MORGAN: Do I sound confident in that decision or...? [Other players laughs] CHRIS: Now you notice that there's lots of things to grab hold of, lots of statues protruding from eaves, and from cornice--cornices and corners of the buildings and whatnot. So you can easily elevate yourself up to higher rooftops or try to drop down to lower ones, but you're about three floors up and you can go as high as six floors if you wanted. MORGAN: Okay, I'm gonna do a little Assassin's Creed style. I'm gonna go... up--are there any open windows that I can see? MIKE: Ohh... MORGAN: ...any windows that I could make open? MIKE: [chuckles] That could become open very quickly? CHRIS: Yes, there are both. Actually, all the windows would be closed because, one of the things I forgot to mention is: it's late winter, MORGAN: Okay. CHRIS: and there's a very fine amount of snow over everything and most probably most people in the residences would keep their windows shut. MORGAN: Okay, but I'm going to use my mage hand, my mage hand cantrip, and I'm going to start trying opening, to open windows. SOMEONE: WHAT? CHRIS: As soon as you--this ghostly hand immediately grabs one window and is able to throw it open. MORGAN: Yes! CHRIS: ...and it's a story above you, so you might want to climb up. MORGAN: Alright, let's do it, you guys! CHRIS: Alright, make an athletics check. MORGAN: <sigh> It's my time to shine, you guys. Eighteen! MIKE: There you go. CHRIS: Yes! [Audience cheers] MIKE: That's solid. CHRIS: You hurl yourself through this tall, arched, leaded glass window that you've just thrown open and find yourself in the middle of what appears to be a private, noble banquet. [JERRY: Dry spit-take] [Laughter] MIKE: Just sit down and be cool. CHRIS: You see a bunch of well-dressed, posh people... MORGAN: Am I dressed for this or under-dressed for this situation? CHRIS: Oh, no, you're in your leathers JERRY: There's a lot of blood... MORGAN: Could I be the entertainment? CHRIS: Yeah, you've got, like, the shaft, the broken off shaft of an arrow stuck in your armor When you pop in, you see... MORGAN: It's one of those murder parties. [Laughter] You guys, I'm here. Somebody killed me; who's gonna solve the crime? [Laughter] CHRIS: You see the butler and say, "J'accuse!" Yeah, there is a butler standing there with a tray next to a table with nobles staring out across from each...or they WERE staring out across from each other now they're all staring at you. Some of them have forks up...yeah... MORGAN: I was hoping he had, maybe, a drink on the tray. JERRY: Oh, this is the best! [Laughter] MIKE: That would be awesome. CHRIS: Yes, you spring past, nimbly, doink, doink, doink, doink...and snatch a drink. [Patrick laughs] MORGAN: It's turning out great. CHRIS: Some, uh, old woman in a tight dress--this fan falls from her hand and she just sorta faints in her chair. MORGAN: I get that a lot at parties. CHRIS: ...and you find yourself with several options as far as doorways and there are servants bustling around. I assume you're just gonna, sorta pell-mell through... MORGAN: I'm pell-melling. CHRIS: Alright. Uh, you hear shrieks in the room behind you, long after you're gone. Apparently you're... MIKE: Aw, man, they're following you. CHRIS: ...pursuer is descended from the rooftops. JERRY: Enthusiastic! CHRIS: Yes Yeah, you hear screams, for sure. Now, uh... MORGAN: That's what they get for not inviting me to their party. JERRY: Exactly CHIS: You find, suddenly, you are in a maze a noble maze of well-dressed corridors with beautiful sconces set in the walls and plush carpets and pictures of, what you assume to be, important people on the walls. Lots of doors Lots of railings leading to balconies overhanging large, open areas with chandeliers. More windows at the ends of halls... You have so many options. What would you like to do? MORGAN: I would like to go to a place where it is safe and warm, and no one's trying to shoot me. [Laughter] CHRIS: Okay...uhhh... MORGAN: That's my goal. MIKE: I think that's fair, yeah. CHRIS: In that case, I would like you to make an insight check to get a sense, an intuitive sense, of what the safest place here might be. MORGAN: Do you guys see? AUDIENCE: Yeah! MORGAN: Thank you very much, I got a 19. CHRIS: Alright! MORGAN: These are my only good rolls for the entire time, guys. JERRY: Just front-load them. MORGAN: Gettin' them out of the way now. CHRIS: ...and in finding this safe place, would you prefer to be as close to the ground as possible or as close to the roof of the building as possible? Up high or up low? [Morgan sighs] MORGAN: What do you feel would be the safest place to be? [Chris chuckles] MIKE: Are you allowed to ask him? JERRY: At a 19 insight roll... CHRIS: A 19 insight roll's good. Uh, you think higher is better. MORGAN: I think I'm going to go up. MIKE: That's Jerry's policy. JERRY: Yeah. CHRIS: Yep PATRICK: Traditionally if they go low, we go high. MORGAN: Yeah, we go high. [Laughter] PATRICK: It doesn't always work, unfortunately. JERRY: It's in the Manual, obviously... MIKE AND CHRIS: Yes MORGAN: Let's go up! CHRIS: Yep, so you run past, across this balcony and up some stairs. You pass by this beautiful hanging chandelier and think to yourself, "Man, Viari would love this place." and then you keep going up up servant stairs and then you find what appears to be a hatch in the ceiling of a large, what you assume to be, the master bedroom. MORGAN: Mmm... CHRIS: ...and, uh... MORGAN: Is there anything, like-- Maybe I could check what's going on in some of those end tables or... [Mike chuckles] PATRICK: Yes [Jerry laughs] CHRIS: Yeah, you take... [chuckles] JERRY: You take a second... CHRIS: You take a second to pull out an end table and, like, take a money purse MORGAN: Yes! CHRIS: Yes, and uh... MORGAN: Okay, how much money do I get? CHRIS: Alright MORGAN: I don't, y'know, I don't need to count it right now...it's cool. I'll count it...I'll count it later. CHRIS: You see a weird holy symbol that you don't recog... MORGAN: Take it! CHRIS: Alright, you yank that as well... [Laughter] ...and then you basically... There's a big, four poster bed in the middle of the room and you can hop on one of the posts, pull yourself to the top of the bed reach up to the ceiling to grab the hatch and then pull yourself up into what is the attic. MORGAN: That seems to be a bad idea. CHRIS: You asked for a safe place... [Assorted laughter in the audience] CHRIS: What else did you have in mind? [chuckles] The bathtub? PATRICK: When has there ever been anything bad in an attic? [Mike laughs] CHRIS: Now these aren't...these aren't puny, little, cramped attics. This is, like, tall, pitched, steep-roofed attic. MORGAN: So, I'll have things to hide behind as he's trying to shoot at me. CHRIS: Yeah MORGAN: Yeah, okay... CHRIS: There are windows in this attic... MORGAN: Okay...I do... JERRY: Well, historically, sometimes grandpas had a few costumes in the attic... MORGAN: Mmm... CHRIS: Yes! There you go...costumes... In fact, you see a big costume chest right next to where you crawl up into the attic MORGAN: Perfect, let's do it [Chuckles] Let's go, why not? CHRIS: Now what would you like to dress up as? [Audience laughs] CHRIS: 'Cause these guys are big into cosplay. They have everything. MORGAN: Umm...How badly am I injured? Am I...I'm bleeding pretty hard. I couldn't put on, like, a fancy noble costume and... CHRIS: Yeah, you could even make a quick tourniquet for yourself. JERRY: As long as it's red...I mean... MORGAN: I'm going to put on a very fancy red dress... CHRIS: Okay MORGAN: Ummm, with long sleeves CHRIS: 'Kay MORGAN: Uhh, some tourniquet underneath... CHRIS: Yep MORGAN: Uhh, maybe a tiara...is there a tiara in there? CHRIS: Yep PATRICK: Oooo... Solid choice JERRY: Let's do it up! MORGAN: I mean... JERRY: Don't half-ass this shit MORGAN: I am NOT going to be the worst dressed at that party. [Patrick laughs] MORGAN: Uhh...and a tiara. CHRIS: Okay MORGAN: ...and I'm going to put my hair up in one of those fancy...snoods. CHRIS: Excellent So you do that. There's, like, a little vanity up here and everything...and there's... [Group cracks up] [Audience laughter] CHRIS: It's amazing what you can find up in a noble's attic MIKE: It really is, yeah CHRIS: Yeah MORGAN: No nail polish...? CHRIS: Nah...yeah, there's probably that too... MORGAN: My nails are drying you guys I gotta hang on for a second. CHRIS: Uhh...and you also notice that there are other hatches in the attic, 'cause the attic's so huge they lead down into other rooms. MORGAN: Okay CHRIS: ...and as you're making yourself up, you hear a ruckus below you like somebody going through, searching...stuff and you actually hear what appears to be, like, servants shrieking or saying, "Get out! Get out!" Ummm... But, you're all dressed up. Now what would you like to do with your stuff? All your adventuring gear... MORGAN: I'm putting under my giant petticoat. [Laughter] CHRIS: Alright... JERRY: ...this bow...arrows...quiver... MORGAN: Why else do you have a petticoat? Money purse! CHRIS: Alright! MORGAN: Creepy religious symbol... CHRIS: So you... MORGAN: Ooo, can I put that on? I'm going to wear that as a necklace. CHRIS: Oh yeah, you totally can. You put on the holy symbol as a necklace... MORGAN: I mean, it really makes the outfit. MIKE: So you're going to come downstairs wearing THEIR clothes AND their holy symbol... [Laughter] JERRY: That's gonna...that's gonna set them at ease PATRICK: It's the very definition of bel-- blending in CHRIS: Exactly ...and you've sorta got this big booty behind you with all your gear MORGAN: Some cultures found that very attractive. JERRY: It's like a fanny pack but, like, y'know, upmarket. MORGAN: Mm-hmm CHRIS: Alright ...and then you just climb back down MORGAN: Perfect CHRIS: in another room and make your way back downstairs and you find yourself running into a few of the nobles who are scattering throughout this entire place JERRY: "Ahhh...I'm scared too" CHRIS: You also see some of the Zhentarim... MORGAN: Okay CHRIS: ...quickly race past you. MORGAN: Love this--master of disguise CHRIS: with swords drawn, obviously looking for a ranger to slay and, uh, they don't take any notice of you. MORGAN: I'm walking out the front door. CHRIS: Alright MIKE: Wow MORGAN: With, like, very few hit points. [Applause] MIKE: You're limping out the front door MORGAN: I'm limping out the front door CHRIS: Uhh...make a perception check. to see if you can tell whether or not you're even being followed or if you got away totally scot-free. JERRY: ...and check...and check that stat [Strangled cry] MORGAN: I'm making him nervous, you guys. So I rolled a 15 CHRIS: Okay As you shoot a wary glance back to the noble estate that you've just left, you can see a figure--dark, brooding--staring out one of the dusty attic windows sixth floor, in your general direction MORGAN: Too late! [Laughter] MORGAN: I already got the tiara CHRIS: The rest of you in the absence of having your own headquarters to return to since it's been condemned and shut down by the Watchful Order of Magists and Protectors, pending a full-scale investigation You have been conducting all of Acquisitions Incorporated's business out of the Yawning Portal Inn & Tavern MIKE: Okay CHRIS: and the Yawning Portal is located in the Castle Ward, pretty much dead center in the city, near the foot of Mount Waterdeep, and it is THE hub for adventurers and one of its great draws is that this fantastically large spacious place has a gaping well in the middle of the common taproom area. This well is about forty feet across and it just descends into darkness because you've heard that this place was built on the wreckage of an old tower that sank into the ground JERRY: Oh, wow CHRIS: and that tower essentially is now this shell that's formed this shaft that this thing was build up over. And the guy who runs the place, a fella named Durnan, he used to be an adventurer and he went down that shaft one day and discovered a huge, sprawling dungeon filled with treasure and came up with a King's ransom that he used to build and establish this place. JERRY: Nice MIKE: Is there, like, a fence around it or...? CHRIS: There's a bit of a lip MIKE: Okay...how many drunks just tumble into this thing every day? CHRIS: It happens...it does happen. JERRY: There's so many drunks, that it's actually-- you can walk straight across MIKE: Just walk right across it... [Laughter] JERRY: So, forty thousand CHRIS: There's this big rig mounted over top of it that Durnan built with a winch and a big basket that looks like sort of the half cut-off barrel, like a big water barrel strapped to chains and you can pay a generous amount of coin to be lowered down the shaft to go on adventures in this dungeon JERRY: It's like the opposite of Disneyland CHRIS: Yep and you like this place particularly because, right near the edge of the well shaft, is a big--not a big--a human-sized, stone statue of the goddess Tymora JERRY: Yeah CHRIS: Who is the goddess of Luck JERRY: So I think, that maybe if I spend enough time around this statue CHRSI: Yeah JERRY: ...my life will change? CHRIS: Exactly But not only that, it is common for those who go down into the shaft to kiss the statue on the lips for good luck before making their descent. PATRICK: Gross MORGAN: That is not sanitary CHRIS: So, it's very unsanitary MIKE: Yeah PATRICK: And so you are making money by effectively healing these people after they catch diseases. JERRY: Yeah... [Mike chuckles] JERRY: I'm just right there...I'm right there. as soon as they kiss, it's like...I got it. CHRIS: On a stage, there's a very disappointing bard who's trying to play a lute, and he's only got, really, three strings left on it and he's just trying to make the most of it JERRY: It's all power chords CHRIS: Exactly and there are some other shady types, but also lots of adventuring types and, uh, you're in one of the booths and sitting on the table between the three of you is... the Wand of Wonder. This almost, like, child's toy-like, magic item that had previously been entrusted to Binwin left behind when he resigned. JERRY: True and you're just sort of staring longingly at this item and wondering what to do with it and you know, Viari, that he's been down in the dumps and Jim, you... MIKE: Don't care CHRIS: You don't really care. [Chuckles] JERRY: Fuck 'im [Laughter] MIKE: I don't even perceive his sadness. [Patrick laughs] CHRIS: It's weighed on you heavily, Omin, that not only is the business--you're getting the business back, rebuilding it as something new and vibrant and JERRY: Right CHRIS: ...dynamic and cool ...but you're also dealing with some estranged family issues and... JERRY: Yeah CHRIS: you're also a Masked Lord JERRY: Yeah, so I've got shit to do CHRIS: and what that means is, yeah, you're actually responsible for, like, hearing court cases occasionally in dealing with government and voting on stuff So that's been tearing at you too. You've been neglecting your duties to... JERRY: Right, I basically spend all of my days solving other peoples' fucking problems CHRIS: Exactly MIKE: You're like the Judge Judy of Waterdeep [Audience laughter] [Chris chuckles] JERRY: So, waving my mace around... MIKE: Yeah PATRICK: So, if I remember correctly, the Wand of Wonder is very not Harry Potter. It looks more like a kid's toy made of Jolly Ranchers CHRIS: Yes...exactly MIKE: It's got whirly bits on it PATRICK: It does, it has like... MIKE: ...jewels and... CHRIS: When you activate it, the little balls at the end begin to sort of turn and it plays a happy little song MIKE: That's been my experience [Patrick chuckles] CHRIS: Plays a happy little carousel song Yeah, that's it, this...funny looking... PATRICK: Yeah JERRY: Yeah...it's like ten lollipops CHRIS: Yeah, exactly MIKE: I don't mind hanging onto it...I mean... It's a magic item. Should probably go the the magician, right? JERRY: Is that the case you're making? MIKE: I think so PATRICK: It uh... JERRY: My understanding is that weird shit has happened every time we've even attempted to use it MIKE: I'm not saying I'm gonna use it, but for safe keeping, I should probably be the one to have it MORGAN: He just wants to own it. He doesn't want to take it out of the packaging He just wants to, like, have it on a shelf so he can appreciate it MIKE: It's a collectible JERRY AND MORGAN: It's a collectible JERRY Yeah, exactly. You can hold onto it...as long as you NEVER use it MIKE: Deal! JERRY: Not once MIKE: I think that sounds great JERRY: Don't... [Audience laughs] JERRY: Just as an example... Don't point it at something MIKE: Uh-huh JERRY: ...and...utter a word of power MIKE: We live in a world of mysteries, my friend. [Audience laughter] MORGAN: When you point it at something, maybe you should point it away from me MIKE: Yeah, okay JERRY: Yeah, okay MORGAN: That's it, just away from me JERRY: There's some sub-deals we can make but, for now, hold on to it I'm sure it'll be fine MIKE: Okay CHRIS: The one other thing I was going
to say to you, Jerry is that, in order to extend an olive branch
to your sister, Auspicia JERRY: Right CHRIS: ...sent Flabbergast off 'cause he knew her... JERRY: Yeah, he's there with his cat CHRIS: Yeah he's got the cat, and you sent him off to basically Uhh... I was going to say feel her up but that's not the right word [laughter] JERRY: No... PATRICK: That's Jim's... JERRY: That's-that's not this type of... MIKE: Taken care of! JERRY: That's not this type of adventure CHRIS: Right...yeah You've already got the other sister, Jim MIKE: Yeah CHRIS: It's fine No, he's gone to her to basically try to see if there's a way to bridge the gap between your two organizations so you're not enemies JERRY: Right, 'cause when we last saw our heroes and villains it was in the Storm King's Thunder, up on the up on that floating castle CHRIS: Yeah JERRY: ...and as we were flying away, I saw her in a serious fucking problem CHRIS: Yes Exactly...yep PATRICK: Now... just to--to refresh like, last time you say "estranged family issues" JERRY: Yeah PATRICK: Because, like... I remember it... not so much like, "Oh no"...like they're arguing over, like... Jerry: ...who's gonna get Mom's... Patrick: ...who makes Aunt Marcio's salad better, y'know, or like... oh, who goes to who's house for Thanksgiving I remember them sending along people to help us, one of whom... stabbed me directly in my body [Laughter] JERRY: He stabbed your entire body. Now that... PATRICK: Like, alllllll over this part of my body JERRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah... Did that happen? ...Yes Are you still alive? Also yes PATRICK: Yeah... JERRY: Who... made that happen for you? Right? I mean, who... [Mike laughs] JERRY: Who was it umm... because they have the power of a god on loan PATRICK: Mmm JERRY: Knit your body together PATRICK: That's a good point JERRY: So that you could do the things that
_I_ want you to do [Laughter] JERRY: Later MIKE: Fair, yeah... PATRICK: Yeah, that is JERRY: Consider it PATRICK: Yeah...yeah MIKE: You should, seriously, delete your Facebook though JERRY: You think so? MIKE: Yeah CHRIS: While you're having this conversation, drinks are brought to you, uhh... by Durnan. He says, "Compliments of THAT elf." ...and he points to a far table and you see that there's a very handsome Sun elf uhh...with golden hair there. He raises his cup to you. He's sitting with a half-orc woman. Very, very brawny and tough ...and she also raises her cup to you. MIKE: I don't remember anybody... CHRIS: You've never met them MIKE: Oh, okay Jerry: Yeah, yeah, yeah [Audience chuckles] PATRICK: I've heard about this sort of thing... CHRIS: It's at that time that Mörgæn comes strutting into the inn dressed in this big ball gown... [Laughter] MORGAN: Hey guys, what's happenin'? CHRIS: ...with a tiara [Patrick chuckles] JERRY: Yeah, so I've raised my glass to the other table and this happens, and I... become frozen, as though I'm a statue. CHRIS: ...and, actually, almost everybody in the inn has the same reaction to you Even the bard on the stage just stops playing. ...it's like a "blang" [Broken string sound] [Chuckles] MIKE: She's slightly overdressed for this
establishment, you'd say? CHRIS: Yeah MIKE: Okay MORGAN: It's better to be overdressed than underdressed, you guys MIKE: That's fair, that's true JERRY: Think about this... CHRIS: You know you're supposed to meet the guys here, and all that MORGAN: Yeah CHRIS: You're just a little surprised to see how many eyes are staring at you from all these corners of the room MORGAN: Not surprised CHRIS: Not surpri-- [laughs] [Laughter] MORGAN: You know how good I look in my giant dress JERRY: It's happened before is what your saying PATRICK: ...and so, I'm just curious 'cause in my head, this is just entirely red satin It's like...it's like...just but, like, y-- MORGAN: We're doing a textured thing: like red satin and red velvet PATRICK: Ooohhhh, even better! MORGAN: Right? PATRICK: Okay CHRIS: And as you're standing there one of your adventuring boots just falls out from under your petticoat hits the floor! >Pomff< [Laughter] JERRY: There's two theories, okay, there's two theories... that are going on, at these tables One: it's your boot Two: there's a whole person under there... [Laughter] ...whose boot has fallen off MORGAN: Or I just gave birth to a boot [Laughter] JERRY: There is a third scenario Uh, yeah, I - I usher her over like, we don't need this kind of thing, right? CHRIS: Yeah JERRY: Come over into this zone MIKE: We have a little private...thing JERRY: Yeah, these are private booths, right? CHRIS: Yeah [Makes curtain drawing sound] MIKE: Oh, curtain and everything JERRY: Should we go outside the curtain while-- MIKE: Oh, yeah...do you want to change? MORGAN: No (?!?) [Laughter] JERRY: Alright... CHRIS: She's dressed for success JERRY: Yeah, exactly, so One more sign to the Sun elf...and the half orc and then it comes down here. This gets closed 'cause it's time for a meeting CHRIS: Yep MORGAN: Guys forgot your tuxedos [Mike laughs] JERRY: No, no...there's--there's been some misinformation This is not a wedding [Audience chuckles] This is DEFINITELY not a wedding MIKE: Uh, Jim snaps his fingers I use change appearance to [indistinct] me up a little bit I don't wanna be... I don't wanna be left out CHRIS: Yeah MIKE: So, like, just full on CHRIS: ...with top hat, tails... MIKE: ...all purple... ...shimmering... [Audience cheers] MORGAN: You look AMAZING MIKE: Thank you JERRY: No, no, no... Umm... Doves... MIKE: Little doves JERRY: Yeah PATRICK: ...dove cuff-links... JERRY: "Duff-links" MIKE: Actual tiny little dove, pinned to my wrists... JERRY: Yeah [Laughter] JERRY: Real dove MIKE: It flaps slightly [Laughter] JEERY: But, this is--this is your task... To what do we owe the pleasure? 'Cause I don't even know... I don't even know this has happened. PATRICK: Oh, r-i-i-i-g h t... Heh...S-o-o-o-o-o... HEY!!!!!! MORGAN: HEY!!!! It's been forever, how are you? PATRICK: Yeah! It's, uhhh... Uhhh... So... JERRY: Okay, so I remember we... MORGAN: Somebody might want to keep watch outside JERRY: That's a good idea. Jim... umm... [Audience laughs] JERRY: So... MIKE: Sure... I'll go--I'll go outside the curtain and keep an eye out 'cause I can still hear what's goin' on JERRY: Yeah, yeah CHRIS: Absolutely As soon as you part the curtain, you see a hulking figure standing on the other side MIKE: I quickly close the curtain [Laughter] [Applause in the audience] MIKE: and I--and I kinda hold it ...shut JERRY: That's the key! MIKE: Yeah, I hold it very tightly CHRIS: Make a strength check for me MIKE: Shi-- MIKE: I have minus one...strength MIKE: Thirteen CHRIS: Okay MIKE: That's above average CHRIS: You do, you kinda hold it... MIKE: Kinda lost strength in that hand CHRIS: You hold it together...and this big... JERRY: But you're impressed with yourself MIKE: Yeah JERRY: Yeah! CHRIS: ...this big, studded leather-armored fist comes through the gap and punches you [Audience laughs] In the face ...or tries to... ...and rolled a 22 versus armor class MIKE: Barely hits Barely CHRIS: Okay MIKE: Just [Patrick chuckles] MIKE: Just... barely CHRIS: You take five points of damage and go tumbling back over the table ...sending drinks careening...and now the... MIKE: Did my top hat stay on? CHRIS: ...curtain's kinda splayed open CHRIS: ...and you can see a big, muscular male half-orc with a huge bow over his back, standing - - - - - only a few feet from you ...and blood coming out of Jim's left nostril MIKE: No one makes me bleed my own blood [Laughter] MIKE: Uhhh...okay PATRICK: If there was ever a situation that the Wand of Wonder was designed for... [Audience laughs] PATRICK: I'm just... [Mike laughs] JERRY: THAT SOON? MIKE: You want me to point it at THIS GUY? [Laughter] JERRY: That soon??? [Laughter] CHRIS: So, let's roll initiative... [Audience cheers] MORGAN: Nineteen CHRIS: Nineteen for Mörgæn MIKE: Twenty-six JERRY: H-e-e-ey MORGAN: Wow MIKE: I'm pissed JERRY: You got it where it counts MIKE: Yeah JERRY: Uhh...I rolled toilets [Laughter] MIKE: It's all toilets down here JERRY: It's a picture of a toilet Umm...no, it's eight CHRIS: Got it PATRICK: and eighteen CHRIS: Eighteen Alright... Jim! MIKE: Uhhh...this guy just punched me in the face CHRIS: He totally did MIKE: Yeah...uhhh Magic missiles ...and I'm gonna cast it ...and I'm gonna cast it at...fourth level [Patrick and Morgan laugh] MIKE: So, that's six... JERRY: d4? MIKE: Yeah, 6d4 PATRICK: So, what you're saying is that you're in no fucking mood, right? MIKE: Four Eight Nine Eleven Fourteen How many times have I rolled this? JERRY: One more MIKE: Fifteen CHRIS: Okay, and then you add one for each missile CHRIS: So... MIKE: Plus another six Yeah CHRIS: So, twenty-one MIKE: Twenty-one damage? Sounds about right, sure. CHRIS: Alright So this barrage of missiles hits this guy in the chest and he goes staggering back ...uhh...about five feet MORGAN: How close is he to the well? [Audience cheers] MIKE: Yes! JERRY: Ladies and gentlemen: MORGAN WEBB! [Patrick laughs] CHRIS: So, he's about ten feet from the well now so, not too far ...and it is... your tur--er sorry, yes, your turn, Mörgæn MORGAN: Okay, so I'm gonna move, I'm gonna use... I'm gonna move. Chris: Yep MORGAN: and I'm gonna move again ...for my bonus dash action JERRY: You can get right up on him MORGAN: No, no, I'm a-- You mean AWAY from him JERRY: Oh... [Mike laughs] [Audience laughs] JERRY: No, you've got it all fucked up... MORGAN: the OTHER way... Umm... Yes...so now I... maybe I can even stand on the bar for a better shot? CHRIS: Yeah JERRY: Yeah...yeah...just step back up... MORGAN: tink, tink, tink, tink tink... CHRIS: So, from somewhere, you draw your bow... MORGAN: Somewhere, approximately sixty feet away... CHRIS: Yeah MORGAN: Yeah [Chuckling] MIKE: If I had to take a guess CHRIS: That's why she was walking so straight JERRY: Yeah, exactly [Laughter] MIKE: The whole bow comes out JERRY: It's about structure, I mean, it's about structure MORGAN: I pull the bow out from under my skirt CHRIS: Yeah, you get a lot of, sort of, hoots and catcalls from the dregs in this room MORGAN: It happens, what can I say? [Audience hoots] JERRY: She has a lot of arrows so, it's probably not advisable MORGAN: Mm-hmm CHRIS: Durnan, when he sees you come to the bar, he just sorta clears a space for you on the bar PATRICK: I imagine, like, everyone is, like, grabs their drinks Is this pretty much a Tuesday in this bar? CHRIS: Yeah, yeah [Laughter] PATRICK: Not even a Friday MIKE: They don't even NEED a mechanical bull PATRICK: Right MIKE: ...not necessary MORGAN: Alright, so I'm gonna roll my first attack JERRY: Yeah, eat 'em up CHRIS: You hear, "Fifty gold on the lady in the dress!" JERRY: Oh, no...they BET [Morgan gasps] JERRY: Oh shit! JERRY: Actually... MORGAN: I'll take that bet JERRY: Yeah, a hundred--a hundred gold! [Patrick laughs] CHRIS: Okay MORGAN: Boy, you should've maybe seen my roll before you did that JERRY: Yeah CHRIS: Okay MIKE: What was it? MORGAN: Well, sixteen MIKE: That's solid MORGAN: Solid? No, I mean, that's with everything CHRIS: Uh, sixteen hits! MORGAN: Okay! JERRY: See? MORGAN: I appreciate that Okay, so now we're gonna do... with my longbow... ...so, we're gonna do... four, so seven damage CHRIS: Okay MIKE: He's been hurt by me already MORGAN: Plus, Colossus Slayer, so that's an additional d8 So, that is another six damage CHRIS: Okay MORGAN: Ummm... and then I'm gonna attack again Ah...so close <sigh> Fifteen? CHRIS: Hit! MORGAN: Hahhhhh JERRY: So, he's big MIKE: Ya MORGAN: Plus another five damage CHRIS: Okay... It doesn't look like he didn't even felt your arrows MIKE: What?! CHRIS: ...they clearly hit and they're sticking in him and there was a bit of a reflex action but, uh, he holds his ground MORGAN: Okay, good to know JERRY: Heh...good info, thank you MORGAN: Thank you CHRIS: Alright and hot on the heels of taking those two arrows Uh...Viari! What do you do? PATRICK: So...ten feet from the pit... CHRIS: Yeah PATRICK: Ummm... CHRIS: ...and about ten feet from you, at the moment PATRICK: Right and like Is this...when you say big... [Jerry sniggers] 'Cause I've had this gone wrong in a campaign before, he says, "yeah, there's this..." CHRIS: He's just shy of seven feet tall and about five feet wide PATRICK: So, like, b-i-i-i-ig CHRIS: Yeah, BIG half orc JERRY: FIVE FEET WIDE...his WINGSPAN? CHRIS: Yeah Big half-orc ...and he's got a bow that's just absolutely enormous JERRY: Just wicked looking? CHRIS: Yeah PATRICK: So... tackling this person would be like trying to tackle a refrigerator is what your... a refrigerator FULL of other refrigerators [Laughter] JERRY: A meta-refigerator PATRICK: Yeah CHRIS: Now, granted you did come from Nightstone and you did your fair share of cow-tipping back in the early days but you think, yeah, this guy is much... [Audience member howls] CHRIS: ...tougher than that PATRICK: Woo-hoo! JERRY: Yeah, Nightstone in the house! MIKE: Represent! PATRICK: Umm... CHRIS: He IS a little off his feet, uhh... just having taken a couple of arrow shots and a barrage of magic missiles JERRY: What's the secret? Is it an acrobatics thing? Like, what's the secret? PATRICK: Okay... JERRY: Scan the environment, first of all... PATRICK: Umm...is there anyone in between him and the edge of the pit? CHRIS: No PATRICK: Then... [Audience shouts suggestions: "Chandelier!"] JERRY: Look up, my friend [Laughter] MIKE: In a bar? JERRY: I think this was a shit-hole, but who knows what they have MIKE: Yeah CHRIS: So, this is...this location... ha-- you're kinda underneath... uh, a bit of a roof that's maybe about nine feet tall ...it's just wood because there's a balcony that circles around the pit there's like a second level above umm...and there are brackets with hanging lanterns ...more hanging lanterns... MIKE: Those are like baby chandeliers, really PATRICK: Yeah CHRIS: Yeah, baby chandeliers... There's all kinds of, uhhh chairs and stuff...there's stuff hanging on the walls PATRICK: ...and there, like, the... MIKE: It's like a Red Robin? PATRICK: I'm assuming... CHRIS: Yeah PATRICK: ...there's the ceiling and then there's, like, the beams CHRIS: Yes PATRICK: ...but, it's all open? CHRIS: Yes PATRICK: Okay...so... uhhh.... Can I... take my movement, but take it up into the beams? CHRIS: Yeah, you can do that most easily, you think by climbing up the rigging...the...the the mechanism that holds up the winch PATRICK: Oh, okay MIKE: Oh, for the thing that they lower into the pit CHRIS: Yeah...yeah PATRICK: So, yeah, that is what I will do... I will, uhhh...I will climb up CHRIS: Okay PATRICK: to try to get a position so I can like, jump down into him and I wanna try to just m-- 'cause I know I can't just shoulder him in there but if I hit him at the top, hopefully, I can... MIKE: Oh! Yeah... JERRY: Get him to stumble, at least PATRICK: Yeah JERRY: It might have to be a one-two thing, right? PATRICK: Yeah CHRIS: 'Kay So, make an athletics check to clamber up MIKE: Nice CHRIS: Success PATRICK: Twentyyyy-two CHRIS: Yeah, easily... JERRY: I'll take it CHRIS: You get up there and you find a place where you can basically leverage yourself, push yourself off and come down on him PATRICK: Mm-kay CHRIS: ...and that will require some sort of attack roll PATRICK: Some sort of attack roll CHRIS: If you're using any sort of weapon or just..or, like, just your body, PATRICK: Umm...it feels like... ...like... a sword, or something, is just going to get in the way of, like... CHRIS: Yeah PATRICK: ...physical... CHRIS: Okay In that case, it just uhh... make a roll, add your proficiency bonus, and your strength modifier PATRICK: Mmmm MIKE: Hmm [Mike starts laughing] [Morgan and the audience join in] PATRICK: Okay, so that issss... Fourteennnn? CHRIS: Okay He catches you... PATRICK: Duh-ohhhh [Laughter] MIKE: Just in his arms, like a baby... CHRIS: Yep [Laughter] PATRICK: I would like it to note that I... ...okay... as..as I come down I'm, like, "To the depths of hell with you..." [Table laughs] Y'know, no, like everyone's watching, right? CHRIS: Yeah PATRICK: ...this is going to be really good for me CHRIS: ...and he just, sorta, catches you under the arms. You're just, kinda, swinging there [Laughter] JERRY: It's like...it's like Dirty Dancing MIKE: Yeah... [Audience laughs] PATRICK: "Thus to all who oppose Acquisitions Incorporated!!!" JERRY: Big cuddles! CHRIS: ...and then he sorta takes you like this... and goes like this MIKE: Oh, Jeez... [Patrick laughs] CHRIS: Over to the pit JERRY: Sonuva-- CHRIS: So...uhhh... What would you like to do when you realize his is going to just drop you? PATRICK: I'm willing to, like, super-scream [Laughter] MIKE: Kick your legs... PATRICK: ...and I cling to him like a spider monkey [Laughter] CHRIS: Alright! JERRY: No...no...no [Laughter] PATRICK: Yeah, like... MIKE: To wrap your legs and arms around him... PATRICK: ...the most undignified thing you've EVER seen [Laughter] JERRY: Your cape is stuck in the back of your pants like, the whole thing sucks CHRIS: All these other adventurers are just watching... sussing it out... [Patrick laughs] ...and uhh...okay, make a strength check to hold on to this guy PATRICK: Nineteen CHRIS: Alright PATRICK: No, no, no...I'm sorry, that's seventeen CHRIS: Okay MIKE: Still good CHRIS: That IS good He has t--, the rest of you see, he has to fight to get Viari off JERRY: Yeah CHRIS: Get him off, he does [Laughter] MIKE: Oh my gosh PATRICK: I regret everythi-i-i-n-n-g [Laughter] CHRIS: Now you get to make a dexterity save PATRICK: That's what I've been waiting for is the dexterity save MIKE: There you go CHRIS: Whoa PATRICK: That is still an eighteen CHRIS: Okay Now, as I described earlier, this used to be an old tower, so this is not a smooth shaft. It's got all kinds of protrusions and jutting pieces of masonry and stuff like that MIKE: Nice CHRIS: Ten feet down, you're able to grab on and find purchase on the side wall PATRICK: Okay CHRIS: ...and you don't see the bottom PATRICK: I feel like that was a good turn JERRY: Yeah [Laughter] MIKE: Basically what I intended to happen, really. JERRY: Yeah, you teed me up for success PATRICK: I'm on brand here MIKE: We don't know that he caught anything, if he's ten feet down. We just saw him... CHRIS: Yeah MIKE: ...get thrown in a pit CHRIS: Yeah, exactly This BIG pit...and Omin, you're up JERRY: I step out of... the booth... ...and I reach under... the table and I drag out my two-handed maul out from the bottom-- the way that you would drag a body by the leg [Patrick laughs] ...and I'm just dragging it over to him
[Chris makes a grating noise] He's turned around He has... just dropped my friend into the hole CHRIS: Yep MIKE: Well, he's probably, like, focused on the pit, right? JERRY: Yeah, exactly (Chris: He totally is) Yeah ...and walking over and then I just swing it up until it's here CHRIS: Mm-kay JERRY: It's like--it's like a three part--it's like a three part process ...and I say... This day... was terrible ...BEFORE you showed up [Audience chuckles] I'm just going to bring the hammer straight down on him CHRIS: Alright He turns... turns and looks at you just as you do that JERRY: Yeah Let's do it sideways CHRIS: Yeah JERRY: this way CHRIS: Make your attack roll JERRY: Here it comes CHRIS: This is going to be great! JERRY: I hope so ...Don't worry... MIKE: Wouldn't that be nice CHRIS: Songs are going to be sung about this JERRY: I have--I have a way of fixing it if it goes wrong [Audience chuckles] Ok...well.. Is twenty-five gonna do it or...? CHRIS: Oh, yes MIKE: Jeez [Audience cheers] Just...sideways... Just...pirouette ...and I just let it swing I just let the hammer swing until it goes around, and I catch it behind me [Patrick laughs] ...and I'm gonna use--I can make an extra attack as a bonus action, four times a day and this time, I'm physically just tryi--, I'm not concerned about the damage CHRIS: Uh-huh JERRY: I wanna take advantage of that first hit CHRIS: Yep JERRY: which I will deliver damage to you for, forthwith Ten But I make an extra d8 radiant damage uhh, once per attack So, we're talking about fourteen points of damage CHRIS: Alright, so there's this blinding flash of light as your weapon strikes the side of his head You see what look like teeth fly off in one direction ...and he does a complete spinaround ...and you have a second attack? JERRY: Yeah ...and this one is...the last one was horizontal This one's coming low to high CHRIS: Okay MIKE: Yeah, knock him back into that pit, man JERRY: That's the plan, right? Umm... I feel good about it I felt... I felt good about it...now I feel bad Alright [Audience laughs] JERRY: Here it comes MIKE: Roll it...Do it JERRY: Okay, so that is... Four PLUS six, which is ten MIKE: That's NOT a high number, man [Morgan and Chris chuckle] CHRIS: Okay... JERRY: War God's Inspiration allows me to--Guided Strike allows me to direct a +10 attack bonus to myself after the attack is rolled CHRIS: You'll need it MIKE: Oh, yeah CHRIS: Alright! JERRY: Is twenty in the better category? CHRIS: BAM! Right under the chin! BOOM! CHRIS: He goes... ...flying... over... ...into the pit [Audience cheers] CHRIS: ...and grabs on to YOUR pants [Laughter] So, I'd like you to make a strength check MIKE: Oh, shit... CHRIS: 'Cause you are now bearing the weight of TWO JERRY: ...doesn't have it [Audience yells suggestions] JERRY: Yeah No, is there a dexterity option? PATRICK: I would--I would just like to mention Viari's pants come off... VERY easily... [Laughter] EVERYONE in Waterdeep already knows this... MIKE: It's just Velcro >POOOF< CHRIS: Well... Uhh... Actually, this is a strength saving throw, not a strength check 'cause you're reacting to him hanging onto you. If you're not pulled off... PATRICK: Uhhhhh...saving throw? CHRIS: Yeah PATRICK: It's eleven CHRIS: Okay You manage to hang on but you don't think you can hang on for more that a couple seconds AUDIENCE: Use the wand JERRY: ...just...the belt... PATRICK: I will, absolutely, like, pull the belt CHRIS: Ripcord... >PFFFT< [Chuckles] Okay Okay, it's not your turn yet PATRICK: Okay CHRIS: So...Jim! As far as you know, now, Viari AND the half orc have gone over into the pit MIKE: Uhh, alright, well, yeah, I mean I want to go over to the edge of the pit and... and I'll take a look down there and just see if I can see... what happened to anybody CHRIS: Yeah Mike: So I see him hanging off of Viari... CHRIS: Ten feet down... Viari is holding on to the wall ...and then another five feet below him is a huge half-orc grabbing onto his pants ...and you hear this, sort of, ripping noise JERRY: So many options... MIKE: Uhh... I... look down there and... I... polymorph the orc into... a parakeet PATRICK: Hmm... MORGAN: No, n-- JERRY: No, parakeets can fly MIKE: What's wrong with that? JERRY: I don't want him coming back up! MIKE: OH! [Laughter] MIKE: Actually, no, no...You know what? CHRIS: What? MIKE: I'm gonna look at Omin and I go, "I'm sorry man..." and I pull the wand out [Audience cheers] PATRICK: Yes! JERRY: FIVE MINUTES! [Cheering continues] FIVE MINUTES! He has to get a book out just so you can USE it MIKE: I show it--I show it to Viari HUH?! [Patrick cracks up] MIKE: Nah? Yes? Ye--...He's saying YES... MORGAN: I'm seeing a thumbs-up right there MIKE: He's saying yes! JERRY: DOUBLE thumbs-up CHRIS: The little balls on the end of the wand start to turn MIKE: Yeah, yeah CHRIS: ...this little musical sound... MIKE: I point it...DIRECTLY at the half-orc Not at Viari... JERRY: No...no, he's our ally MIKE: He's our ally CHRIS: Excellent MIKE: ...and I roll a CHRIS: You roll percentile dice JERRY: Two d10s CHRIS: So, two d10s MIKE: I don't know if I even have two d10s CHRIS: The first is your tens, the second on is your... So, that's a d8 JERRY: That's a d8, you sonuva... CHRIS: ...and there's your tens digit ...there's your ones digit MIKE: Forrrrty-six? CHRIS: Forrrty-six... JERRY: I got a good feeling MIKE: It's a good number...SOLID [Audience chuckles] CHRIS: Erupting from the wand is a lightning bolt JERRY: Oh, shi-- MIKE: PERFECT! MORGAN: Alright! JERRY: You see? Like I said... GREAT JOB, Jim! CHRIS: Alright! JERRY: Way to take initiative! MIKE: I KNOW how to use this wand CHRIS: Uhh, Viari, I need you to make a dexterity saving throw [Laughter] ...and I need the half-orc to make a dexterity saving throw MIKE: The chances of being struck by lightning: VERY slim [Audience laughs] MIKE: That looks pretty solid PATRICK: Uhhhh... Twen... CHRIS: Dexterity Patrick: ...tyyyyyyyyyy Ummm....two CHRIS: Okay So, you're able to dodge out of the way Do you have any evasion? PATRICK: I do. JERRY: He's got it yeah CHRIS: So you could use it to negate damage entirely? PATRICK: Yes. CHRIS: Great The lightning bolt misses you MIKE: I knew you could do that CHRIS: ...and strikes the half-orc Roll 8d6 MIKE: WHAT!!!?! [Audience cheers] JERRY: It's comin' out of the wand, right? PATRICK: [mutters] Want some of mine too? JERRY: People helping people... MIKE: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight... So, four... Five, six, seven... Eight, nine... Ten... Sixteen... Eighteen, nineteen... Twenty-four! CHRIS: Alright [Hoots in the audience] MIKE: Thank you, sir CHRIS: Alright...there is a big burst of light from within the well as the lightning bolt strokes down and just slaps this guy, right in the forehead Umm... uh.. He is still alive ...and he made his strength check to hold on to you JERRY: What the fuck!?! So, now you see this blackened, smouldering, angry half-orc MIKE: TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF! [Laughter] I wish that was the first time I said that to you today PATRICK: "Today" CHRIS: Mörgæn, you can't see the half-orc anymore 'cause he's down in the well MORGAN: Okay CHRIS: All you can see is Jim and Omin standing right near the edge. MORGAN: So, I'm going to come in... to...I gonna come in close CHRIS: Yep MORGAN: Umm... ...and them I am going to use [Audience yells suggestion] MIKE: "Shoot his pants" JERRY: Shoot the belt buckle? [Laughter] MORGAN: I was going to use Mage Hand to
DELICATELY REMOVE the pants [Laughter] JERRY: This is better...that's a better idea! CHRIS: Alright So you use Mage Hand to undo his pants... [Laughter and cheering] CHRIS: ...and you, my darling Mörgæn, you get inspiration [Laughter and clapping] So remember that. You have inspiration. ...you can get advantage on a future die roll MORGAN: Yes! CHRIS: ...and the pants fall ...and the half-orc falls ...and they plummet into darkness, with a scream MIKE: Nice JERRY: Alright... MIKE: Now, is, Viari, like, a commando guy? Does he have underw--? Like, what's the situation? PATRICK: Umm... [Laughter] JERRY: Down south... MIKE: Down south...what are we looking when you now are pantsless? PATRICK: It uhh... MIKE: Bare ass? PATRICK: It..it..it matches... The carpet matches the drapes MIKE: Perfect...okay...understood JERRY: It would be fun if you had, like, a scabbard, like, for it [Laughter] Right? You've-- This situation's happened before, and obviously... you like a little drama in the boudoir You know what I mean? PATRICK: Mm-hmm JERRY: I'm saying there's an opportunity here
to make some canon PATRICK: Well, I... as soon as... he is not on there, I can go up the side of this thing CHRIS: Yeah MIKE: Oh, easy PATRICK: ..which--which I DO and... I am NOT bashful about it at all... JERRY: It's fine PATRICK: I pretty much... I pretty much Uh, gym this up outta here...and I'm, like, Good job! Y'know, like, "High Five! Thanks!" "Really saved my bacon there!" Hahhhh...Bracing! [Laughter] JERRY: It's that draft...from deep [Patrick laughs] MORGAN: Do you wanna borrow my dress? [Table laughs] PATRICK: Uhh... ...and, yeah, I pretty much consider this free advertising CHRIS: Good [Mike laughs] CHRIS: You return to your seat ...you take up your drink PATRICK: Yeah CHRIS: Yep It's winter, so it's getting a little cold down there [Laughter] JERRY: Brisk CHRIS: Brisk...yeah ...but you seem to have dodged the danger and as you sort of start to look around, you can see that the elf and his half-orc bodyguard are gone PATRICK: Hmm JERRY: Really... CHRIS: Yeah They've disappeared in the chaos But, other than that, everybody's fine MORGAN: Pay for the drinks, yeah? ...and Durnan will give you free drinks. JERRY: Yeh... Oh, for the entertainment? CHRIS: Yeah, exactly MORGAN: Sweet! CHRIS: Precisely JERRY: Absolutely...well, I like everything about it but... You have issue...there was something happening before all this which is that... Okay, so, last time... PATRICK: Dammit, man, can nothing distract you [Laughter] Yeah, it's tr--, I've seen it, I know all about it [Patrick chuckles] JERRY: But, it's like the last time... uh, I can-- the last time I can think about something like this happening... you sequestered a substantial amount of Acquisitions Incorporated funds to create... a...training program--an automated training program called Istar that I got sucked into and inconvenienced by for about three hours Umm...so... I--I just assume ...without any foreknowledge ...that this is all a part of one of your awesome schemes [Patrick laughs] PATRICK: I like that you... MIKE: Hap-py Birthday...! [Laughter] PATRICK: That's what I should've said when I come out of the pit! DAMN! JERRY: Next time, next time You'll be naked again, THIS adventure... [Chris laughs] PATRICK: Umm.. So... JERRY: Yeah Mm-hmm PATRICK: Y'know, we could--we could Jerry: Yeah? PATRICK: ...use a new gig JERRY: Okay PATRICK: I heard a rumor JERRY: Mm-hmm? PATRICK: Didn't want to waste your time you're a busy man JERRY: Mm-hmm? PATRICK: I figured I would sort of check things out sorta do a little investigation BEFORE... I--I wasted your time ...with it JERRY: But, but, but... ...but, YOU didn't actually do any investigation PATRICK: It--it was a JOINT ...effort [Mike laughs] PATRICK: It was--mmm--it... No JERRY: Okay [Audience laughs] JERRY: Alright Uh.. Mörgæn MORGAN: Yes! JERRY: An absolute pleasure, as always MORGAN: It's wonderful to see you JERRY: Apparently you're in my employ? Is that... Have I heard correctly? PATRICK: The contracts are clear--technically: forever like, ne-- eh --there's no... JERRY: I like that part... MORGAN: There was something about a billion years in there that I remember JERRY: "A billion years", it's like Scientology..., really MORGAN: Yeah JERRY: So... If you... uhh... What have you discovered... umm... that will make this day go better for me? MORGAN: Picture this: mm-kay? JERRY: Mm-hmm I'm picturing MORGAN: You're picturing You're dressed better than you are now... JERRY: Yeah MORGAN: We're all in our fanciest... ...outfits JERRY: Our best shit MORGAN: Our BEST shit You pull... You put your hand down You pull out... ...a magical hammer Mmmm MORGAN: It has a personality--we don't know
if it's a GOOD personality... PATRICK: It's a GREAT personality... MORGAN: He MIGHT be an asshole... JERRY: Have we seen... We don't--we don't know it's a "he" MORGAN: It might be like Project Seaman, where he just talks shit to you the entire time... JERRY: Yeah MORGAN: ...and you're supposed to take care of it? MIKE: Those Dreamcast references... JERRY: Alright, so... MORGAN: I know...I am pulling him out TODAY, right? There're FOUR people in the audience who're with me on that one [Audience cheers] JERRY: I DO like... [Cheers] JERRY: No, it's more than that I... am... pro-hammer, obviously we all know MORGAN: It-- it IS magic JERRY: A magical hammer that... CHRIS: Because you know the Zhentarim are going auction it off, you actually stole one of their promotional sheets JERRY: A pamphlet? MIKE: They've got a flyer?! CHRIS: A flyer uhh, about the qualities of this weapon. JERRY: Oh, tell me more! MORGAN: Let's learn about the qualities JERRY: Tell me more. I'm gonna draw I'm gonna draw here CHRIS: So, Whelm is a powerful warhammer
forged by dwarves and lost for a time in the dungeons of White Plume Mountain MIKE: Hmm...okay Good mountain... CHRIS: It is an enormously powerful weapon...uhh Magical...it has a lot of magic channeled through it and... ummm... one of the things you know is that it has... the ability to be hurled a fair distance ...and when hurled, it does Super Extra Fun damage [Audience chuckles] MIKE: Wow MORGAN: Which is my Super Extra Fun die? CHRIS: ...and if the target you're trying to hit is a giant it does even more damage, 'cause this weapon does not like giants at all JERRY: So it has one trick giants hate CHRIS: Yeah [Mike laughs] CHRIS: And on top of that You can strike the ground with Whelm and send a shock wave out from the point of impact MIKE: Holy cow! That's really cool! CHRIS: Which can actually knock people for a loop and stun them JERRY: That would've been really handy with the half-orc MORGAN: It would've been good MIKE: Yeah JERRY: If we had that before... MORGAN: That whole thing was a sales pitch for the hammer JERRY: Yeah, exactly [Mike laughs] MORGAN: Ladies and Gentlemen, if you had
Whelm the Hammer... JERRY: It's like the black and white video part of those midnight commercials MIKE: "Look how hard it is to kill half-orcs..." [Table laughs] CHRIS: But WAIT--There's MORE! JERRY: Mmm! CHRIS: While you are holding this weapon,
it alerts you to the location of any secret or concealed doors within thirty feet [Gasps] What?!?!! MORGAN: Oh my god, I'm taking this hammer, you guys I mean, it's for YOU, we're gonna get it for YOU! CHRIS: AND...and... MORGAN: totally... CHRIS: You also have the power to detect evil
and good with it and to locate objects with it JERRY: This is--this is Acquisitions Incorporated in hammer form MIKE: It IS...Yeah CHRIS: It communicates, uhh...telepathically if you want it to. It can also speak. PATRICK: The downside is that it sounds
like Gilbert Gottfried [Laughter] MIKE: But there's no indication of what type of personality it has? CHRIS: No MIKE: Okay JERRY: Well, actually... MIKE: That's a good sign JERRY: I've drawn a picture [Patrick chuckles] JERRY: If we could get the dice cam... Uh...I just want to make sure everybody sorta gets a sense of PATRICK: the majesty... JERRY: ...what I've created... MIKE: You've asked for too much JERRY: The dice cam, they don't know how to do
the dice cam Here, what if I roll a dice...? Will that...? [Audience laughs] MORGAN: It is beautiful ...beautiful... JERRY: It has a little smiley-mouth MORGAN: Yep JERRY: Umm, I've indicated that these RAYS,
you see here uh...are MAGIC [Patrick laughs] Uhh... Hurl Could be vomit I don't know Umm... but, yeah, this this sounds like exactly the sort of thing that would improve my mood CHRIS: It's at this time you notice that Mörgæn is wearing a holy symbol of Asmodeus. [Audience chuckles] [Patrick laughs] CHRIS: Lord of the Nine Hells... JERRY: Yes... [Audience laughs] I cock my--I cock my head... and I say... How long have you had this, this necklace meaningful to you at all? [Chris chuckles] JERRY: I know I haven't seen you in a long time... Have you founded a Dark Wave band? [Audience chuckles] MORGAN: No, I just...it...I thought it was kinda pretty on the nightstand I also got some... I mean, I didn't get any money when I was in there...umm Just the necklace--I just found the necklace...and a tiara MIKE: She stopped by Hot Topic on the way over and... [Laughter] MORGAN: Got myself a Ramones t-shirt and
this necklace JERRY: It's--it's legit a holy symbol? Do I think it can be used to track...? or...is it emanating, like, how--is it--is it... like, jewelry for this upper crust or is this legitimately somebody's goddamn holy symbol CHRIS: This is... PATRICK: ...literally a god-damned holy symbol [laughs] PATRICK: Now, before you get weird about this, right remember the HR video we watched--we all had to watch? MIKE: Yeah, absolutely PATRICK: ...religious tolerance in the workplace [Chris chuckles] MIKE: Don't judge PATRICK: It's... [Table cracks up] JERRY: That is a necklace that means
that you're cool with Hell MORGAN: Okay MIKE: All nine of them JERRY: Every hell MIKE: All the hells JERRY: All of the hell PATRICK: Hell, yeah! MORGAN: Does it give me any magic power? JERRY: Uh, it gives you the power, I think, to be devoured [Audience chuckles] MORGAN: It doesn't feel like a POWER to me... JERRY: No, it's the opposite of power. Would it be possible for me to remove this neckla--? Actually, YOU remove the necklace MORGAN: Okay, should we put it down the well? JERRY: That's a great place. I bet that's where it's from anyway [Audience laughs] MIKE: Can I take a quick peek at it JERRY: Yeah MIKE: ...before it goes away? CHRIS: 'Kay MIKE: Nope Don't know anything about this thing [Laughter] MIKE: Hoooooo! JERRY: Yep, seems cool. Alright...Wooo! Yeah, down the well MORGAN: ...sure you don't want to keep it? JERRY: Yep MORGAN: No good can come from it... JERRY: It is literally Evil [Mike laughs] MORGAN: But wh-- can we channel the evil to our side? JERRY: It's not like that. We're not watching a show. MORGAN: Could I... [Laughter] MIKE: This isn't the CW MORGAN: Can you replace it with a... with a nicer, better necklace? JERRY: Yes MORGAN: Can I have the other necklace? JERRY: Yes As soon as we're done getting my hammer I'll get you a really cool necklace
[Morgan sighs] CHRIS: Alright Your reach the warehouse on Sail Street. My only question to you is:
what time would you like to arrive there? MORGAN: Maybe we should take a little rest first.
CHRIS: ...like, in terms of time of the day JERRY: Yes CHRIS: You notice Mörgæn is sporting a bit of... ..a wound MORGAN: Maybe take a little--take a little nap.
CHRIS: ...she's favoring her arm JERRY: Yeah MORGAN: For a couple hours, maybe? JERRY: Yeah, we, yeah--we hafta.. Morgan: Yeah Yeah, we hafta get--hafta get Mörgæn patched up, yeah CHRIS: Okay JERRY: Mörgæn's gotta--we gotta go in the right way CHRIS: You can burn hit dice, then, to get hit points back JERRY: Exactly CHRIS: Yeah ...and remember, each hit die that you burn gives you that many hit points, but you also add your constitution modifier to it JERRY: Each time CHRIS: Yeah, each time JERRY: Yeah You should have a heap of d8s there, I think or is it d10s? MORGAN: d10s JERRY: Yeah, that's real good CHRIS: All you have to do is stick a little cotton in... MIKE: I'm fine, yeah MIKE: I just, kinda, lay back CHRIS: Yeah MIKE: ...for a second JERRY: Just ON the table... MIKE: Yeah There's no bruising, or anything, right? CHRIS: No...no... MIKE: This is my money maker [Chris chuckles] PATRICK: Oh that's right, 'cause I we need to go--
I need to get pants We're like halfway to the warehouse and I'm, like,
"Wait, wait, wait, everybody..." MIKE: "I THINK I forgot something, guys..."
CHRIS: "Dang, it's cold out here" JERRY: No, we need to go through the Pants District MIKE: Yeah PATRICK: Now, also, like, if we're gonna, like,
leverage this... then, don't we need, like, a grappling h-o-o-ook and, like I don't know... a sheet of tin foil, like... Are we going to break in here? We just--we need a plan, right? Like, a white board... MORGAN: What are we gonna do with that tin foil? JERRY: Yeah CHRIS: So, you know... [Laughter] PATRICK: Pants! I already told you, I need PANTS. MORGAN: Oh, the pants...the pants... I have eighty-seven yards of fabric on me right now So... ...think we can work something out I will give you the dress... I'm gonna put on my super awesome
leather armor again [Patrick sniggers] PATRICK: [whispers] I wanna wear this dress MORGAN: It's beautiful PATRICK: I wanna--Can I wear...? CHRIS: Okay Just... So, uh, because you guys have been using
the Yawning Portal as a haven, JERRY: Yeah CHRIS: You actually have rooms here MORGAN: Oh MIKE: Oh, nice! CHRIS: You can retire to your room and sport
a new pair of pants JERRY: Chill out... Yeah, yeah...just open it up S'all pants [Chuckles] You've seen it before MORGAN: You go through them a lot..You gotta have a lot You want back-ups JERRY: So what do we know about this hammer? It has been... It is being auctioned... CHRIS: It was brought to the city specifically so it could be auctioned Now, Waterdeep is the biggest metropolis on the Sword Coast, and it has a lot of wizards who live here ...and things like that. So, if you're going to find a buyer for something as EXTRAORDINARY as a legendary warhammer Chances are good Waterdeep's the best place
to offload it ..and, uhh... MIKE: When IS the auction? Are we--are we arriving... like, DAYS before the auction? Hours? CHRIS: The auction isn't till several days, 'cause it takes a while for people to get word ...that it's available and they come to the city if they're outside the city MIKE: Sure CHRIS: So.... There's no time pressure in that regard. YOU know that the warehouse is on Sail Street in the Dock Ward, which sort of is this section of the city that slopes down to the harbor So everything is kind of on a slant ...and this warehouse is built on a slant where one side of the--one end of the warehouse is a story tall and the other end of the warehouse is THREE stories tall So, it's BUILT that way with the big doors on the three-story section
facing the harbor and the shorter, one story part of the building is facing the main street MIKE: Got it JERRY: So, there's a lot more to negotiate and navigate but, potentially, more access points in the taller
part of the structure CHRIS: Yep JERRY: ...that we can move through CHRIS: ...and it's got a roof that's pitched. When last you saw, it was covered with about
an inch of snow But, it's not a steep pitch, it's about "like that" MIKE: Would it be weird for a wizard to ask to see the item before the auction? Like, if I was considering purchasing this item... CHRIS: No...it would not be ...out of the ordinary MIKE: Something to think about--I don't know how... PATRICK: We could, yeah, we could... MIKE: I am, like, ...well-known
PATRICK: ...representative of a for-- PATRICK: Like, we'll have to put a disguise on you, is what I'm saying CHRIS: ...and you know that the Zhentarim have brought their best mercenaries in here to guard over it, so... JERRY: Well, yeah, we saw ONE of them MIKE: Hmm JERRY: He was hard MORGAN: He only took us... JERRY: He only took all four of us... MORGAN: Forty-five minutes to kill... JERRY: Yeah JERRY: To not kill him MORGAN: To NOT kill him [Mike chuckles] MIKE: He's just down there having adventures now. [Laughter] JERRY: He's a VERY wealthy guy JERRY: Yeah PATRICK: He's gonna come up eight levels higher... [Mike laughs] MIKE: ...and PISSED [Patrick laughs] MIKE: ...a shock of white hair... CHRIS: With his new "grellfriend" JERRY: Yeah, yeah So... PATRICK: Jeweled gauntlet... CHRIS: Yes JERRY: TWO Wands of Wonder... [Laughter] So... JERRY: So, you're saying you might want to get a peek at this thing ahead of time MIKE: I'm trying to think. Obviously we can just bust into this place, but... if you want to do the Ocean's 11 thing where we set up an appointment to view it That might get us through a lot of...guards JERRY: I like that MORGAN: But then we still have to get...out I mean, do we think that there's no way we can sneak in here and..do it quietly? MIKE: You haven't played with us in a while... MORGAN: As soon as I said it, I was, like, "That is the stupidest idea I have ever come up with" Nevermind MIKE: Quiet isn't really our strong point MORGAN: Y-e-e-eah...I gotcha PATRICK: Is this--is this a one item being auctioned, or this part of, like, a many things being auctioned...? JERRY: Like, is it--is it a star-studded evening of auctions? MORGAN: Can I wear my dress again? [Jerry and Patrick chuckle] CHRIS: This is a singular item PATRICK: Okay CHRIS: ...and given its nature the money that they'll make off of it will... be pretty astonishing. MIKE: Is the entirety of this warehouse devoted to this item? CHRIS: No they use the warehouse for various other to store various other things, but they're just-- They just happen to be using it to also store this item MORGAN: We're gonna have to open EVERY box MIKE: Yah CHRIS: They store a lot-- Mörgæn, you know that the hide a lot of weapons in here ...and they hide it under dead fish. Mike: Hmm MIKE: Okay.. JERRY: Well, that would help... MORGAN: They hide it... MORGAN: They hide it under dead fish? JERRY: Yeah CHRIS: They have a lot of packed fish in the warehouse which they use to conceal their contraband MIKE: So, this stuff is illegal. They should be... CHRIS: You can't MIKE: They shouldn't have this stuff in town? You can't bring weapons into the city without the permission of the Lord Armorer and without the permission of certain guilds ..and arms not known for... PATRICK: Tax. Tax stuff. MIKE: Yeah, yeah CHRIS: Yeah MIKE: Okay JERRY: Well, I like-- I like this situation where umm... God, is there a way for you to check it out...? Is there a way for us to mark or tag it in some way So that, after you've checked it out we can go to where it's being stored
with maximum efficiency MIKE: Oh, so, like, I see it in another room
--a viewing room I leave a mark on it that we can track later? JERRY: Yes PATRICK: Or, we could use that, like-- 'cause it's either... we try to, like, brute force in, brute force out, which... JERRY: No PATRICK: ...pr-o-o-obably is not a good choice 'cause they're gonna be... MORGAN: There'll be time to raise the alarm, more people can come MIKE: Yeah PATRICK: Yeah JERRY: We can't fight ONE of them MORGAN: Right... [Laughter] JERRY: So there's a lot of reasons not to do... MORGAN AND MIKE: Yeah Patrick: Or... Even like- try to sneak in. I think the best we could hope for then. Is if we could get in and get it we still have to fight our way out?
