Abby Wambach Talks Parenting At 'How To Raise A Kid' Conference

[Music] early freeze they ride a morning little chilly bundle up I I know Abby basically needs no introduction but I'm an introducer anyway Abby Wambach she's a two-time gold medalist bunch of other metals too at the Olympics soccer player has an amazing style of scoring goals that kind of blows me away she retired from professional soccer now she's really focused on leadership and activism and you're asking why is she here at this parenting conference I'll tell you why in 2017 she got married to the extraordinary and awesome you can call her a Christian mommy blogger but that really underestimates the things that she would probably kick your ass if she would although you once wore a sweatshirt that said that was like a joke yeah anyway so she got married and became the co parent to three kids so of course in that short time she's become a world-class expert in all things besting right Abby are we all parenting super easy super easy a down pat no problem so let's start at the beginning how did you become a parent tell us the story so Glen and I met she was releasing a book and so was I so we met in this really sexy environment where we were selling our books to the public librarians of America many of romance yeah that way and at the time you know she and her ex had three children and so when we fell in love the process that we had to go through not just in terms of the introduction for me into these kids lives but you know they were going through a divorce so there was like a lot of things going on at one time and I learned so much from Glennon in that she operates with with radical honesty she's always said not only to her community but her people and and her family I'm not going to be perfect but I will always be honest right and so the second that she knew she wanted to leave her husband she sat him down and told him that we were in love and you know and and I think that there's there's so much stigma attached to all of these things and the stories a lot longer but as I progress into these children's lives you know we took it as slow as they wanted us to take it we have this middle child her name is Tish she's like a gaping wound basically walking through life and is super feely and beautiful and amazing but but really what she was telling us is throughout this process is like this is this is not the time for me I'm not ready for this right so that was hard to manage but I think that one of the things that I learned the most was I have to respect because I'm asking for their love right and respect I have to no matter how young these children are I have to respect where they are and meet them where they are that's like a really important thing and I think that one of the things that helped me was that I was a famous former soccer player mm-hmm so that helped but but you know in my experience with all three of them we have a 15 year old son a 12 year old daughter this is Tish and then a 10 year old daughter Emma and they were very different ages they were 8 10 and 13 at the time and they were going through different periods of their lives right so I had to find ways to meet each of them where they were our older one he was a little bit more evolved totally got it and Glennon from the time that they were young was like marching these children through gay pride parades because she's a huge gay rights activist before she even knew that this would ever be in her future they actually I think all have been to more gay pride parades than I have which I thought was kind of cool so for them it wasn't an issue the gay thing was not like at all concern it was more or less like their family their their family was broken breaking up and that was heartbreaking so it was a hard transition in moments but it's also my wife calls it beautiful you know there were brutal moments but it's also beautiful and there is no black and white like divorce is not what it what everybody says it needs to be and sometimes it is and everybody's situation is different and I have grown into major love with these children our 10 year old at the time she was 8 we would keep asking or like how are you feeling about this like how was everything going on and she's like I don't know what you're talking about you know and I'm like this is so interesting and she's like I don't know where my feelings are right so Glen and I laugh a little bit about that now cuz we're like yeah that's probably gonna come back in about five years right I'm gonna have something to deal with in high school about this but it's been beautiful and the other side of this that we talk a lot about is their dad Craig when we first told the world about our relationship we had to have some internal boundaries for ourselves to protect ourselves from the outside world and we talked about the fact that we are on an island and it's surrounded by a moat filled with alligators and anybody who wants to come onto our island has to come onto our island with nothing but love and respect and honor and that means with the children that means with Craig you know my parents her parents they had feelings about this situation right but they weren't included they weren't invited on to our island because our children they didn't have the fear that our parents had about a broken family or about a gay you know my mom was like ABI don't be impulsive and I'm like what do you mean being pulse if I'm a grown-ass adult you know and we're doing this the very best that we possibly can so it's been it's been an incredible journey for me I became insta-mom I have 22 nieces and nephews so I've been around kids I'm the youngest of seven yeah youngest of seven children I'm a recovering Catholic you know and I think that children have just completely grown my life and grown my heart in so many beautiful ways and it's hard as hell being what's traditionally called a stepparent we like to use the word bonus mom because I feel like the stigma that's attached to and I think it's beautiful if you use choose the word stepparent but for me and our family we want to somehow change the narrative that has been written over time about what it means to be a part of a modern family you know we go on family vacations together every single year because we truly say and we we actually believe what we say when we say this that our children's hearts are the most important thing to us and if that's the case there's going to be some moments where you have to make some sacrifices for yourself there's going to be times like do I want to go necessarily on a family vacation with with Craig the ex-husband no but Craig and I are actually good friends we plan the same soccer team like we actually are adults and we have gotten through the hard part and are able to be there for our kids you know being able to go on a family vacation with each other is a time where our kids are never going to feel like they're missing their other half their parent and I know that not every family can do this and and i truly do understand that i know that we have a really beautiful unique circumstance but i think that it's something to strive for well i mean when when Glennon and craig were splitting up they actually wrote divorce vows yeah which I had never heard of but yeah neither yeah when wedding vows are like oh it's a romantic and wonderful right well I think something that Glennon has kind of made me see so clearly is how our mind sets in the way that we experience divorce is so shaped by our own child childhoods right whether you're from a broken home or a home that wasn't broken up or parents that stayed together for you but they hated each other like that's a good idea you know when they when they got divorced they decided they're like look we want to take our divorce as seriously as we took our parenting and and our marriage and we don't look at our marriage as a failure their marriage was a raging success they had they were broken people when they first met they had three beautiful children they grew up and they left each other more whole and more fully human than they did when they first arrived at each other's doorstep so when they divorced they decided I need to write we need to write these divorce vows so that we have an expectation of what you can always know to get from me because you know whether we like it or not Craig is also on our island you know he lives in a separate house on our island you know we don't we're not that close but he's on our island and he's a part of our tribe and he's a part of our family dynamic that is so important to how everything functions you know Glennon and I we travel a lot for our work and he is supremely amazing at staying home with the kids and being on duty when we have to go out into the world and do our stuff we wouldn't be able to have the life that we have if it weren't for him and I think that when you get beyond the pain and the trauma and the heartbreak of the divorce there is beauty if you let they're there if you let the beauty actually in if you if you can see that there is light at the end of that tunnel so many people just the narrative they write is that this is their life and I'm going to hate my ex and that every single family interaction is going to be brutal and horrible and then the kids are gonna have to decide on whose house to stay at when they come home from college and it just doesn't have to be that way and you know Clinton and I are a pretty self-aware people and we're mature and we're emotionally intelligent and so is Craig and I think that that has helped because you know I have friends and family members that go through divorce and it looks nothing like this but I keep telling them that it can be like this it just takes a lot of work to get there so you know you became the bonus mom to chase Tish and and Emma obviously when you get married you're starting a new relationship with one person you've talked a little bit about Craig how how is your relationship with each of because they're each different wonderful unique how have those relationships developed and what are the sort of like both the wonderful things but also the challenges and connecting with with with with with your kids yeah and I think that the most important thing whenever we're talking about parenting in general is that nobody knows what the hell they're talking about they just don't you know like you might have all the experience in the world you might have some good ideas and it's true there are good ideas out there but every child is different and they require a different level of or a different mindset or a different perspective of parenting our fifteen-year-old son you know he is a beautiful beautiful boy and a beautiful young man and thinks about the world in a very different way than I do and having thought-provoking conversations with him has been really cool you know and we actually had this really cool moment where I have I have no shame talking about sex publicly or openly and so we started having a conversation about sex and Glennon started to get a little bit like wait what's happening here you know and I said to her I said so do you want him to actually learn this from somebody else or do you want him to learn this kind of stuff at home and it's not to control the narrative it's just that so that you know what he's learning is the truth because so much of what happens especially now with the social media and their friends and snapchat and all the things they're learning information at such a intense rate that not only do we know do we not know what kind of information it is if it's true or false but we have no we have no connection with it we want to make sure that we have those kind of conversations and so our children do not have social media they will never have social media and they probably will eventually but when they turn 18 and if they want to pay for college on their own fine by me Oh like that I'll take that money right back and I just think it's important you know chases is is different you know gun and tells me that all of their childhood stories she's been whispering into the our daughter's ears for their entire lives that they're badass and they can be anything and if you're angry be angry you know and if somebody tells you to smile tell him to go eff off and and she realized recently because of all this toxic masculinity that we see on the daily basis she's like I haven't been whispering in my son's ear that you can be vulnerable and you can be kind and that makes you as much of a man as that you can possibly be and I think that that's so lost on our world today is you know we're fighting for for equal rights and I am very much a feminist and fighting for equality and equal pay but I think part of the problem is that the toxic masculinity that runs so rampant around our culture it we have to we have to really think about why this is getting to where it is now we have to get to our young men and our boys and start whispering in their ear that they can cry and they can be vulnerable and they can be soft and and still be as much of a man and and be the the strong man that they can be that they dream that they can be and Tish has been really you know I was talking about her earlier the gaping wound in our family she actually shows me on a daily basis what being truly in touch with yourself is and I think as a parent we because I'm very efficient I don't have a ton of time for falling apart but I have had to actually do a ton of exercise for myself to just sit with her you know so often us as parents we are trying to protect our children from pain especially in this world you know Glennon talks about how our parenting generation we are the we were donned the helicopter parents and to protect our children from all pain at all costs anywhere we travel but the truth is is in order to gain and grow children to be wise and brave and kind like we all dream our children to be the only thing that actually makes them and turns them into those three things is pain hmm so and and the other side of that is we're trying to put on this perfect life we're modeling like parenting as this perfect enterprise that we enter into and the truth is being a full human being as hard as hell yeah and we're showing our children on a daily basis what it's like to not be human so as soon as they start having feelings as soon as they start experiencing humanity and hardship and pain they think that there's something wrong with them and there's not there's not something wrong with them there's something wrong with the world right there's something wrong with the things that they're experiencing they're there they're interacting with the world I don't think that we should be steering our children away from pain we actually have to be pointing them into the fires of their life so that they can do it and we do it with them over and over and over again so we can show them that they're fireproof mmm yeah I think that's really powerful of course one of the ways that kids learn to deal with - you know savor victory and deal with defeat is sports you've been very involved in youth sports I know a lot of parents here thinking about the role of sports in their kids lives talk a little bit about what you think the best relationship is and the best way that parents can encourage and nurture their kids and their passion for sports yeah so our youngest - they play soccer and that's not intimidating at all that yeah you're your bonus mom is a goal Olympic gold medalist well it gives them some cool street cred I'll be honest you know watching so watching these games unfold and seeing some of the parents and how they are on the sidelines it's embarrassing it's embarrassed I'm embarrassed for a lot of these parents I'm embarrassed for children you know I've actually had to do a lot of walking on the sidelines just so that I can keep away from it because you know we're all human beings and when everybody else is around you is yelling at the referee it's like you can find yourself to like actually have these feelings I'm like they're 10 years old and we're yelling at a referee who's getting paid like ten dollars an hour who has no desire to really be there you know like let's be honest about like what's actually happening here and my wife and I actually we try to be and I'm not saying that I'm perfect here but we bring lollipops to all of the games and we just chew on them just because in case you feel you know the passion inside of you and sometimes you can't help yourself from saying something because your child has just gotten knocked into my wife I'm talking totally about her right now when her when our children fall in anyway or scrape their knees she's like up and ready to like charge the field right and I have to remind her that this is sport and part of what makes sports so beautiful and important for these children is the learning of failing will the learning of failing in the moment the learning of failing at losing the learning of failing around their peers their learning of making the ultimate mistake that makes their team lose and and what we parents don't do well enough is let our kids fail right as let our kids fall down so that they can figure out how to pick themselves up you know the youth sports world is insane maybe one of the children that we collectively have in this room will ever make it to the professional sports world one so just like think about that when you want to berate a referee or a ten year old from the other team you know and I get it emotions happen and life happens but we can be better for our kids and we actually have to model that for them and for for the other parents around you you know there's actually a really like not so specifically scientific survey that my former college team runs with the the kids that come to their camp every summer and the number one thing that they say it's like the number one question they ask is who do you wish could take you home from a soccer game and the number one answer from all the campers is my grandparents huh Wow and it's because they don't want to die download the game they don't want to like dissect what's happening and like talk about that one play right it's it's to two or three questions that I like to ask my my kids when they come off a field did you have fun and what was something that that that that you learned that you you never learned before you know and it's not like specific like tactics and left foot and touching this and that it's just like they want to and also the third thing it's not a question it's and I love you you know I saw you working really hard and I love you and that's it like that's what that's what needs to be a part of our collective vocabulary when kids come home from school and when kids because this expectation that all children have you know and and and I say this I I know for a fact that my mom would probably say you know she didn't know she still doesn't know what offsides is and because she was so removed with the outcome of what could possibly happen out there and she just was there to support me is the reason why I was able to go so far mmm you know and my relationship with my dad was a little bit different he would always ask me how many goals did you score and I would say three and he'd be like why didn't you score four right and my relationship with my dad as it relates to playing sports is very different I don't and I will never go to him for any kind of advice or hey like what did you think cuz he's gonna actually try to tell me what he thinks like I called my mom up and I'm like oh you know during my career like did you see the game and she's like oh honey looks like those scores went well like they're called goals mom yeah goals well Abby it's been great to have this chance to chat with you yeah when Glen inner inspirations yeah and keep doing what you're doing thank you right and everybody keep doing what they're doing [Applause]

Channel: HuffPost

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Keywords: 8rQn, Abby Wambach, Abby Wambach parenting, abby wambach funny moments, abby wambach highlights, abby wambach interview, abby wambach kids, huffington post

Id: WOmQ14Gx1JQ

Length: 23min 31sec (1411 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 02 2018