A Word to Men Who Demean Their Wives

[Music] well this is an important and too common theme in our inbox a question over men belittling women as inferior perhaps in the name of complementarity even I see this too often the in the inbox and emails from wives and we haven't covered this yet head on I wish we didn't have to but we do dear Pastor John my husband and I have been married for nearly 30 years he's grown convinced that there is something wrong with me I'm a Christian and have been since I was 10 years old he is also convinced that God sees me as subservient to him and in every way tonight I asked him if he believes women are subservient to men in creation and he answered without hesitation yes he has always treated me like he is superior to me in every way the way he treats me is very hurtful and I don't think I can continue to go on with his angry aggressive spirit when he gets angry with me about anything he locks me out of the bedroom and out of the house I literally want to run away I despise this life please help encourage wives who are treated like this who are treated as inferior perhaps it will be of some help I hope so if I explained from a biblical standpoint five sinful damaging mistakes this man is making and which he should be held accountable for she doesn't say if he claims to be a Christian or not he certainly is not acting like one but some man or men need to step in to his life and call him to account for these five sins now before I mentioned the five sinful and damaging mistakes he's making let me go behind them to something deeper because there's always something deeper than the principles from which we behave he clearly has some principles from which he is behaving and it is clear that behind them is something deeper namely he is in significant bondage to the roots in of selfishness and pride that is he he himself occupies such a central place in his own preferences that he cannot see or feel the beauty of getting outside himself and finding joy in living for the good and gladness of another person now there's a fancy name for this today it's called narcissism he is so fixated on himself and his pleasures and his privileges and his rights that counting another person more significant than himself is literally literally inconceivable if you if you were to speak those words to him from Philippians two three counts others more significant than yourselves if you were to speak those words to him they would be like a foreign language they would not even connect they would be like wind blowing in the curtains so there's the root the the biblical words are sin not narcissism that's the new fancy word and it may or may not be helpful but the biblical words are solid and forever sin pride and self exaltation until God breaks in and reveals to this man the deep ugliness of his soul so that he weeps and weeps with conviction and contrition that are not intended to manipulate anything or anybody these five sinful traits that I'm gonna talk about probably won't change that's that's the miracle that we have to pray toward every Christian has experienced this miracle it's called the new birth and God can cause it in the worst of so that's the direction I pray so here my five sinful damaging mistakes he's making number one he thinks there is in creation that is the way the world is made they built in subservience for women she says tonight I asked him if he believes women are subservient to men in creation and he answered without hesitation yes now I'm assuming from the word subservient and from the fruit of this man's conviction that what he sees in creation is very different from what creation actually teaches if we go to Genesis two and three and watch creation unfold sequentially after the foundational statement in 1:27 that men and women are created equally in God's image what we see is number one and they're there more I'm just summing up a few number one that men man was created first and given the instructions for life in the garden so that he by God's design has a kind of unique responsibility that will be unlike his wife's responsibilities number two God says in 2:18 it's not good for this man to be alone I will make a helper fit for him so woman is created unlike the animals from Adams side bone of my bone flesh of my flesh that is deeply alike and yet so wonderfully different called a helper fit these suitable completing complementing that is by the way where the word complementarian originated from that word fit or suitable or complimentary in Genesis 2 then third the tempter came and the man failed to take the responsibility God given him you can see that in chapter three verse six the woman took of the fruit and ate and she gave some to her husband who was with her crucial words in verse six who was with her and he ate in other words he was there falling right into line with the devil's assault on God's wise and good order by being silent when the enemy was attacking his wife and then for sin ravages the beautiful relationship that God had created this complimentary relationship sin ravages that relationship and you see it because the man blames the woman and says look if you're gonna punish somebody punish her because you gave her to me and she tempted me in other words God really the problem here it's a devastating description of the ravages of the fall in human relationships and divine relationships so what creation teaches so what creation teaches is that man was designed to be thrilled by his partner helper Paul calls her his glory in first Corinthians 11 gladly bearing a unique responsibility to take a special initiative to protect her who was superior to whom and on what counts was irrelevant for the central issue of love and protection they were in God's image and perfectly suited to each other's fruitfulness and joy they were naked and not ashamed they did not shame each other the fact that they were profoundly the same and wonderfully different in God's design caused no shame so this husband that we were just being asked about this husband has deeply miss read creation that's sinful mistake number one number two second sinful mistake is to infer from creation a built-in superior inferior relationship she says he has always treated me like he is superior to me in every way men superior women inferior and she says in every way there are two kinds of mistake here and they're both serious one is to fail to distinguish whether the words superior and inferior refer to greater or lesser value doesn't even address that does even have such a thing in mind and the other is to fail to distinguish capacities and competencies in which women are in general superior to men and competencies and capacities in which men are in general superior to women and those differences do not imply greater or lesser value in personhood who you are in God's image so this husband is sinfully inferring an undifferentiated superiority for men for himself in particular that does not exist third the third sinful mistake he makes is by inferring from superior inferior paradigm for men and women that he may therefore rightly treat his wife in demeaning ways so he moves from miss reading creation to miss conceiving the meaning of superiority and inferiority to justifying demeaning behavior this is evil at several levels I'll just mention one in first Peter 3:7 Peter says husband's live with your wives in an understanding way for according to knowledge showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel since she is a fellow heir with you of the grace of life here's the point this man is totally missing even when one focuses on an area where women are weaker the biblical the Christian response of a husband is not demeaning but honoring there's the catch deep profound serious thing he's blind to actually the way the verse in 1st Peter 3:7 is structured you have the central term showing honor and on one side of it is woman as weaker vessel and on the other side is woman as fellow heir of glory which means that this man is utterly oblivious to this that whether you focus on any particular weakness or on destined for glory the call is the same honor honor honor not shame shame shame honor not demeaning and he can't see it number for his sinful mistake that he makes is that he lives now with anger and aggressiveness this is his prison cell given what he sees and feels anger is inevitable he's living outside of God's good design and the inevitable dissonance causes continual aggravation James says let every person this would apply to this husband let every person be quick to hear slow to speak slow to anger for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God oh my goodness what an important text for marriage and then finally number five the result of living in the bondage of sin and delusion is acting like a jailer and just make sure you heard the paradox they're the result of being in bondage to sin makes you act like a jailer to hide the fact that he's in jail he has become a childish bully right he's become a childish bully locking her out of the bedroom and the house this is pathetic it's like a child throwing a tantrum only he's bigger now so instead of running into his bedroom and slamming the door against his parents he can run in and lock her out but she didn't ask me for any counsel she just wanted me to say something that might be helpful in general when women are dealing with a man like this but let me go ahead and say what I think I'm assuming there hasn't been physical abuse he didn't say that and the reason I'm telling you that is because what I'm about to say would be different if there were in other words if if if he is brutalizing her then she is I think obliged rightly and legally to go to police and to the ways that the arm of our government has set up for helping women or men deal with that kind of brutality but short of that she should be i think stepping forward and i do hope she's in a church where this is possible to go to trusted elders tell them her situation and ask for them to intervene i think it's part of the elders job of a church to step into the lives of the sheep men and women and be a part of their protective shield and to give them guidance and wisdom for how to move forward sobered straightforward clear words thank you Pastor John next time we talk about fertility technology and whether or not IVF babies are knit together in the womb by God does human technology override the ways we talk about natural conception and the origin of human life it's a really great question and it's up next we'll see you next time on Monday have a great weekend you

Channel: Desiring God

Views: 23,326

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Keywords: Desiring God, John Piper, God, Jesus Christ, Christianity, Christian Hedonism, Egalitarian, Complimentarian, Complimentary, Men, Husband, Wife, Women, Man, Woman, Abuse, Demean, Belittle

Id: gvilvyTW8fo

Length: 15min 39sec (939 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 20 2020