8 Therapy Ideas That Saved Me From Disaster

hey everybody I'm Patrick Tian LCSW I'm a childhood trauma specialist and here is a quick video on eight therapy ideas that really helped me in my recovery from childhood trauma they're just ideas or concepts that might get you out of a trigger they might kind of help you just kind of feel better from moment to moment and they can definitely help you in reparenting the inner child so let's just get into it here's how it goes the first one there something called don't sweat those who are not in your inner circle what I mean by that is this is for when we get get triggered by people who aren't really that close to us and we give a lot of extra mental energy to the boss that's in your life the person online the friend of the friend who says something when you're out with them and they can really trigger us and live in our heads rentree those who are in our Inner Circle Partners family those who are really really close with or a therapist is what the concept is about is really Reserve conflict oriented energy only for those people because you care about them and those are the people to kind of work with so when you have a boss or somebody that triggers you especially with social media online this is all over the place is we give people too much energy in our head and we're fighting with them in our head or we're really triggered by them when at the end of the day they don't really matter that coworker is going to be out of your life at some point and it's just a reframe to get centered around who is worth giving energy to the second one is something that is a little bit tricky so try not to confuse this one with toxic positivity this is called pronia pronia is a collection of British psychologists that came up at the idea of pronia as the opposite to paranoia and pronia can be really useful for you because what it does pronia is a concept of looking for the ways that the world is conspiring for you as opposed to feeling that the world is conspiring against you again try not to confuse it with toxic positivity that's just like empty platitudes and look at the bright side kind of a stuff but pronia is an action of really looking for things are really concrete Primal evidence things like you have shelter if you got hurt you may have access to a hospital and I know that some of these things may not be true for some of you and I get that but it's just the concept of looking for where things are actually going for you as opposed of going against you and as a side note why I love the concept of pronia it was more helpful to me after I did a whole bunch of childhood trauma work and to really get sort of an unsafe Outlook kind of off the table for me so if this one doesn't work for you I totally get it maybe later for this one so the next one this one's all over the place where you'll find it in Buddhism you'll find it in some stoic writing and it's just simply is it kind is it necessary is it true this one is helpful if you tend to have a reaction and you tend to blurt out things or you tend to say things in a very defensive way or if your inner child really pops up and needs to get even with someone or gets a little bit self-righteous so is it kind necessary or true in short this is really helpful to pause where before you're about to send an email before you're about to respond to somebody online before you're about to engage in your partner in a fight and kind of like up the ante or escalate things or get a little bit upset with them is to really sort of ground and stop and say is it kind is it necessary is it true the other side of it is I'm not sort of saying not use your empowered voice is inner children are growing up in in toxic family systems we really need to kind of relearn how to deal with people especially if you come from a very high conflict very kind of nasty family system uh we have to learn to really know how to relearn how to address people and how to speak with people so it's just sort of it's also is is it true is in a way it's also good for our codependency like in the way that we overly take care of somebody or we let things slide is is it true that they don't owe you money no they actually do owe you money is it necessary it's necessary to me is it true yes is it kind I can say it in a kind way so it's just kind of a really good to keep some parameters around how you want to communicate to not trigger yourself to shame later in having having a reaction or not be true to yourself moving on to the next one I love this one is let people feel whatever when we are triggered as childhood trauma survivors we usually go to a shame place I'm bad I'm bad for not being sensitive enough I'm not I'm bad for not taking care of somebody's problems I'm bad because I caused this person's emotions is it kind is it necessary is it true where usually inner children have kind of a warped perception about how feelings work in terms of others so letting people feel whatever can be your co-workers can be your own children can be your partner can be you're not even part of it but you witness someone really like being disappointed at a at a grocery store cuz they can't can't get a refr and you're as highly sensitive people were overly feeling for that if you identify with that problem so letting them feel whatever is a really good inner child parenting idea of and this will relate to another one down the road of the three C's is we can't take on people's emotions too much we can't fix their problems and just in a really beautiful way is just to say they're just feeling their feelings we're we're safe we're safe for them to feel their feelings if your child is disappointed and your inner child is like oh my God they're having a childhood like I have they're sad it's just letting your child be disappointed about something that's natural and appropriate and normal or it's just a really a hard feeling is it's better to be present with somebody in what they're feeling as opposed to that we caused it or that we're taking it on this one is tough when it really comes to real time so it's really it's almost like a little bit of a practice of it is if your partner is really disappointed or frustrated at work that can trigger you because it's just like having a it's like growing up with a nasty parent although your partner's not a nasty parent but the the body is sort of saying I'm in trouble and I caused it so it's actually quite beautiful to just let the partner be in a negative mood and to remind yourself that you're safe in that and just let them go through that process moving on to the next one I love this one is the three C's I didn't cause it I didn't cure it and I can't control it this is from the 12-step World specifically the allanon world where the 3c's are really helpful in terms of our codependency related to the prior one about letting people feel whatever in the toxic family system let's just call it an alcoholic parent an alcoholic parenting or an alcoholic family where we're raised in that system to believe that we caused their drinking we've burdened them and that's why they're an alcoholic and we feel like if we are special enough or kind enough then maybe they won't drink that day or we try to control the parameters of getting rid of their alcohol or hiding it all that kind of stuff that goes in with an alcoholic family system is we didn't cause the alcoholism or you can flip that to a parent's mental health problem we can't cure it we're not sort of doctors and we can't control it this is also a very sobering idea around notice how cause cure and control they're very action-oriented almost things about trying to fix somebody else's problem or feel responsible for someone else's problem and they're really good emotionally sobering ideas to 3C to realize that we don't have the power to get somebody to stop drinking we don't have the power to get a parent to take um medications or go to therapy we don't we can't cure them as well especially what I really love about it is especially when the person with the problem who's struggling with their mental health or alcoholism or whatever they're not interested in changing and I think that that's what really drives our want to kind of control it or cure it or believe that we cause it so I love that one moving on to number six is something that I came up with I said it somewhere in the video is just simply to know your audience what this means is that when you are getting criticized by somebody hypocritical maybe a family member you know that Uncle that's like you know you're breaking your mother's heart by not talking to her knowing your audience is about thinking about where and who that feedback is coming from growing up in child to trauma as children we never had the power to talk back or we never have the power to think about is that really valid or whatever kids need a lot of help with those things and usually abusive parents abuse that power of just telling you who you are and what you did and whatever but now as we are adults and we're working on our childhood trauma and we look we're looking at abusive family systems it's almost like for us to think about what about that person saying it what about them so that Uncle that's like you know you're breaking your mother's heart is know your audience is that is that Uncle codependency is that Uncle understanding what happened to you is that Uncle Uncle sort of like the Bastion of mental health chances are that person is also greatly dysfunctional in their own life so it's part of our inner adult that can kind of go wait a minute you know what I mean like who are you to tell me and that's part of knowing your audience knowing who you're addressing knowing who you're having this dialogue with because they have a lot of problems too and just because they have big opinions of you it doesn't mean that they're right but more specifically think about what is going on in that person's life and this is all over the place online when when people kind of are saying you know oh going no contact I could never do that but you know she's your mother is that person doesn't know your history that person probably doesn't even know that they're saying a very codependent sort of statement that person I always think about it just like I would love to know about that how was that person's love life how is that person's relationship with their children in other words people are full of advice but often their lives are on fire so that's what I mean by that one moving on to number seven one of my favorites is don't bring your inner child and this is a visualization that when you have to do something difficult like have a hard conversation with a roommate like when you have to have a hard conversation or you have to ask for a raise or have a hard conversation or you have to advocate for yourself in a in front of a care provider or something like that say a doctor or something like that and Authority is very triggering um the idea is that you don't bring your inner child with you into that space into that room into that conversation and you imagine that they're being babysat by someone that you feel is safe someone like a therapist that you're connected with you can even visualize that you you know Patrick's babysitting my inner child while I go ask for a raise because when my inner child is with me I tend to freeze and lose my words and I don't I lose my power so the idea is to just really imagine that you've got this little kid that's coming from all this wounding and has those reactions they're not bad that's the part of us that takes over and we become codependent or we lose our words or we say oh forget it I was dumb for bringing it up and we only approach the difficult situation from our inner adult place without kind of having the inner child popping up and kind of taking over it really works if you tend to be a visual person it really works if you have a connection with your inner child it might not work so much if you haven't kind of had a connection yet with your inner child yet but it is a concept and for those who are really don't like the idea of the inner child or that language is simply think about the same thing as instead of saying don't bring your inner child into that situation or I would say if you don't like that language just go into the situation with your prefrontal cortex online and intact not go into it from your lyic system and the trauma brain specifically the amydala if that's what you if you prefer that language that's kind of like what I would say as well so I really love that one it's gotten me out of so many jams and it's gotten me through a lot of difficult things and lastly number eight can you be a diplomat when we think about a diplomat is a person who can deal in a sensitive and effective way can they can deal with a problem deal with people in a sensitive and effective way my mentor said this to me years ago and she voiced it as can you get political and I've switched it can you be a diplomat because the word political just it that takes our brain somewhere else right now and she said this to me like 20 years ago how my mentor said it to me when she said can you get political the situation was I was working in a restaurant with a highly abusive restaurant manager and that restaurant manager would be verbally abusive to you and it was I had to get out of this job and I was so triggered and so upset anybody would be with the way that this person was and I was so ready to just walk out but I didn't have another job lined up and I was so self-righteous and ready to just you know part of that's valid part of that's my trauma and I was so ready to just kind of give my notice that day and I had therapy that day and she said can you get political and just bear it until you set up another job and what she meant by that she kind of taught that being political or being a diplomat is you're going into a nasty situation with your best self for your own best self-interest this one is really about not shooting ourselves in the foot by becoming reactive or when we're so disregulated and we're so triggered that we can find our inner adult and just go okay I can deal with this for I don't I hate it but I'll just deal with this for another two weeks until I can find a job and apply for a new job and give my notice so I don't burn any Bridges and blah blah blah blah like all that kind of BS that happens with it so if you have to go into a roommate situation that went really bad and you still have to go pick up your stuff and you're really triggered about am I going to have to have a conversation with them can you be a diplomat can you go do the hard thing anyway and get your record collection and get your mono Sergeant Pepper because you don't want that roommate to kind of like escalate and blow the thing up and not let you in so that's kind of the situation there it's stuff that we don't like but there is stuff that we just have to do you know can you be a diplomat and have a difficult conversation with a family member um let's just say you're in no contact and then the the someone in the family has gotten sick I would sort of say can you just go be a diplomat and do the really really hard thing on a mission and get in and get out instead of being really disregulated and getting into nasty conversations kind of about that so it's really about doing something that you don't want to do but kind of doing it anyway because there's something in it for you that is at stake in a diplomat they might hate the person across the table they might hate the country they might hate the war they might hate everything going on with it but they have to go in there and have a civil conversation and keep the best interest of what's going on at heart in an effective way so those are the eight I hope it was helpful to you I'm going to be doing some more short form videos to give you guys some quick answers as well as my long form videos as well and I would love to know what you thought about that video which one really struck out to you I would love to hear how these go and again these are just kind of mental Concepts to get your inner adult in place so you that you're not so triggered with your inner child and being disregulated and blah blah blah so that's it for me I hope this was helpful to you and may you be filled with loving kindness may you be well may you be peaceful and ease and may you be joyous and I will see you next time [Music] oh [Music]

Channel: Patrick Teahan

Views: 45,737

Keywords: psychology, health and wellness, childhood, family, ptsd, childhood trauma, emotional abuse, abusive parents, childhood ptsd, narcissistic mother, narcissistic father, narcissistic parents, repressed memories, emotionally abusive parents, abuse

Id: jn71G2JG-bY

Length: 16min 3sec (963 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 14 2024