Seven Things He Secretly Wants. My name is Clayton Olson. If this is your first time to my channel,
I want to encourage you to subscribe. If you are looking for a deeper relationship
psychology that cuts to the core that will allow you to date with more power, be in relationship
with more clarity, transparency, and ultimately, create long-lasting love. Now, what do men secretly want? Because we're going to talk about what men
secretly want, I'm gonna try to stay away from the obvious things that you may have
heard that men want from other videos and other pop relationship psychology. We're gonna talk about the things that a guy
can't necessarily articulate, or maybe he doesn't want to articulate to you. And the purpose of this is to give you an
advantage – a relational advantage not over him but just to be able to create a relationship
where both of you are able to meet each other's needs. And the beauty of this is that when you can
find an orientation in a relationship where you can be generous without compromising yourself,
you set up a dynamic where they have the opportunity to be generous with you as well. This isn't about just meeting a man's needs
and not getting your needs met, this is about becoming a version of yourself that is generous,
that is open, that creates a model and serves as a leader in the relationship so that there
can be a reciprocity that flows back and forth between the two of you. Because as you give these things to him it
will illuminate the ways in which he can give to you as well. Okay. Let's talk about number one what is the first
thing that men secretly want. Alright the first one out of the gates is
that he wants you to be able to walk away. What do I mean by that to walk away? Well that you have the power to break up with
him. That you are able to be at choice about your
ability to leave him if he crosses a line. Now, why is this important? I think there's a romantic notion about love
that if you are fully in it and there's nothing the partner could do to ever have you walk
away from them, I think that we're fooling ourselves and I think there's a certain level
of romantic naivety in that. And your ability to be able to walk away from
this guy, your stance of having a certain line that this man would cross or a certain
line that you won't cross internally that would have you exit the relationship and honor
yourself over honor in the relationship is super important. Because what it does is it allows your generosity
and your acts of kindness to really be seen as a choice. Because look, if your back is up against the
wall and you don't have the ability to walk away from a relationship, it could be that
the reason in the motivation for you doing kind things and doing nice things for the
guy and maybe even being with him, it's coming from a place of fear. A fear of not wanting to lose him. And the thing is people smell that. People can smell your intentions they know
whether it's set out loud or not they can feel why you're doing things. So, when you can walk away it immediately,
in some ways, purifies and brings your intentions into integrity, and that you are there out
of a choice and the reason that you are showing up and being the way that you're being is
from an act of choice and love, rather than fear and obligation. So, that's the first one is he needs to know
that you can walk away. Number two of what men secretly want is he
wants to experience your dark side. Now, what do I mean by dark side? I mean the side of you that is willing to
fight. The side of you that is willing to be a little
selfish from time to time. The side of you that might have a dark sense
of humor. The side of you that, perhaps, you feel like
you need to keep hidden from him. Because here's the thing, if you're not willing
to bring all of you into the relationship with him then your relationship becomes fragile
and brittle and it also becomes exhausting for you, because the relationship is then
a territory where only one side of you gets to exist and you don't get to bring some of
these darker emotions into it. And if you're not willing to bring some of
your darker emotions into the relationship, what that typically means is that you're not
actually bringing your truth. You might not be bringing your upset, your
anger, your sadness. You might be trying to hide that from him. And his experience, ironically and very straightforward,
is that he will feel like he's not in relationship with all of you. He'll feel like he's in a relationship with
some type of fake façade or a one-dimensional cardboard cutout of you because the relationship
is only vibrating at a certain frequency. But when you can bring your shadow aspect,
when you can bring the dark side, when you can feel that the relationship has the strength
and the resilience to handle all of you, it's actually an honor to him. Now look, if you get stuck in a place where
the relationship is only experienced in your shadow, your anger, your rage, your selfishness,
then that is imbalanced because it doesn't have enough light. But the invitation here is to be able to be
comfortable enough to bring all of you into the relationship and to show him that he is
worthy of getting all of you, the darker emotions, the lighter emotions, the truth, the harmony;
maybe even sometimes maybe the harmony gets put to the side for a moment because there's
something that you really need to honor and maybe it feels selfish, or maybe it's something
where it's very self honoring and the two of are gonna have a fight about it. He needs to be able to see that because you
then communicate to him that you actually trust he's strong enough to be able to handle
it. And it is actually an act of respect to him,
rather than some type of betrayal to the relationship. So, that's number two he needs to be able
to experience and see your dark side. So, I want to just pause for a moment, and
I want to invite you to a powerful webinar that my teaching partner Jack Butler and I
are putting on. It’s called The Three Keys To Attracting
And Keeping A High Quality Man. It's some of the best content that we've created
over the last two years and is designed to really get into the core of where you might
be showing up as inauthentic or disempowered in your dating unknowingly. And help you come back into integrity and
truly become the type of woman that inspires a man to be his best self when he's with you. So, that link is right below this video in
the description. Check that out if you haven't already. Let's move on to number three. The third thing that men secretly want from
you is he wants to be able to be weak in your presence from time to time. This one is particularly personal to me, and
I know it's personal to many men that I know. But I typically see myself as a goal-oriented
individual who is motivated and determined to create a certain quality of life, and in
that I feel like the world and the things that I'm up to demand the best parts of me
consistently. And sometimes deep-down underneath all of
that, I don't feel like I have it all together. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing. Sometimes I feel like I am not adequate enough
for the task at hand. And when I'm in that by myself, it can be
excruciatingly isolating. Now, I love it if a woman has the capacity
for me to be in my most exalted brilliant state where she can support me in being the
biggest version of myself out there in the world. I really appreciate that. But even more importantly if there is a place
where I feel like I can collapse. I feel like I can admit and confess that I
don't know if I can handle a certain situation. That I'm confused or lost or trying to figure
something out and that that can be met with love and respect, and actually be seen as
strength rather than weakness that is like medicine to my soul as a man. And so if you as a woman can create a territory
for your guy to be weak where he can feel like he can lay down the armor and the sword
and everything – all the tools the mental psychological tools that he has that he goes
and takes out the world – and he can come back and truly be a more vulnerable version
of himself with you. That becomes irreplaceable and the way that
you do that and the way that you hold that space is to let this man know that you still
respect him even when he feels lost, even when he feels that life is overwhelming, that
his emotional vulnerability in that place is something that is welcomed and seen as
strength rather than seen as weakness. So, that's number three, he wants to be able
to be weak with you and have you be able to hold that space for him. And the fourth thing men secretly want is
to be taken off any pedestal that you have him on. Look, he wants to be in a relationship with
his queen. He wants to feel like a king, and he wants
a queen next to him. He doesn't want to be in relationship with
somebody who is just in love with a fantasy of him in only the good sides because what
that actually does it just creates a disconnect. It creates a place where he doesn't feel like
he can be weak or feel like he can fully be himself. Because secretly he's in touch with his flaws,
he sees his imperfections, he knows that he's only a human being, and if you're only relating
to him as this magnificent person who's on a pedestal, you're not actually connecting
with the real him you're connecting with some image of who you want him to be in your mind
and that's a very fragile connection. So either bring him down off the pedestal
or bring yourself up to be on the same pedestal as him so that you can be his equal. From this place he will actually trust you
much more. He will trust your reflections of him much
more. He will listen to you in a different way. And he will bring you into different parts
of his life because he will feel like you truly know who he is rather than again being
in relationship with some facade or projection of what you want him to be. And the fifth thing that men secretly want
is he wants you to honor yourself and take responsibility for your life. So, let's say that you've got a problem with
your career, there's a reoccurring frustration that comes up, or maybe there's something
in the mental health category like anxiety or depression that you need a solution for,
or maybe there's something with your physical health that you're wanting to get back on
track, he wants you to be open and honest about these insecurities. And more importantly, he also wants you to
step into a role of ownership for that and that you are at least getting on the path
to work towards some type of solution to honor yourself. What this does for the relationship is it
has him feel that you are respecting who you are. You're respecting him and the relationship
by being honest about it. And it also builds a greater level of trust
and intimacy. And if there's a place where he can support
you, you give him the opportunity to do that as well especially if you're asking him for
some support for some way that he can be accountable or if there's something that he can do where
the two of you can co-create a solution together that works in the relationship. This is a way to take your insecurities and
the things that feel like weights that hold you back as gateways or opportunities to bring
the two of you closer in a relationship. Number six he wants you to challenge him but
not dismiss him. Now, that's key because when a guy feels challenged
oftentimes as a part of him that feels dismissed. And it's that feeling of being dismissed that
usually causes him to either withdraw and pull away or get big and start a fight with
you. So, if you can challenge a man and to maintain
a deep level of respect for who he is, a deep level of honor and love, and still being in
the corner and having your challenge come from a place of love and alignment with a
vision of who you think he can be rather than a criticism about how he's currently being,
this allows a guy's listening to stay more open and to feel like he is inspired to be
a better man when he's with you. Now ways that you can challenge a guy, ways
that I've currently been challenged in my relationship is I get challenged to be softer. I get challenged to lighten up to loosen up,
to be less serious about things. And my partner does a phenomenal job at humorously
pointing out places where I tend to be neurotic at times. Places where maybe I've got a tight grip on
something that I can relax and let go. And although there may be some feeling of
that I'm doing something wrong, ultimately, I know that she is truly being in service
of helping me come into a place of integrity, self-respect and love. And therefore, I trust it and I take the feedback. The challenge has to come from a place of
“I love you and this is why I'm saying it,” not I disapprove of you and unless you fix
your act I can't love you.” It's “I love you and I'm in your corner
and I want the best for you. And here's a place where I see that could
bring you more happiness, more alignment and more joy.” It's that type of orientation that allows
your challenge to go in on a deeper level. And for him to truly feel that he's got somebody
in his corner who can help him become a better man. It's worth noting that another way that you
can challenge a man is by challenging yourself. Are you challenged in your own life? Are you continually looking for places to
expand your awareness to expand your life, to grow into versions of yourself that you
are wanting to become? And we're not talking about maybe just getting
a CrossFit membership, although that might work for some people, but maybe it means developing
a spiritual practice. And working on greater self-acceptance and
greater love. Maybe it means hiring a coach or a therapist
to work on these deeper territories of awareness and love. It might mean taking up new hobbies and expanding
your passions about life. All of this, as you expand as a human being
in the relationship, it challenges him to grow with you. It challenges him and serves as a model for
him to look at his life and say, “Oh wow. Where am I shut down? Where am I not doing these things? And where can I give myself greater permission
to go on the same path or the same journey?” And the beauty about self-growth is that as
you change in the relationship and you change your relationship with yourself and fall more
deeply in love with life, trusting life more, that translates to your relationship naturally. And the relationship geometry has no choice
but to shift. And the seventh thing that men secretly want
is he wants you to be emotionally expressive. If you're dating a masculine man, more than
likely through cultural conditioning and just the way that he's raised and his peer group,
he doesn't have a lot of permission to experience that many emotions. Maybe anger, pride, excitement to a degree,
but for the most part most men are shut down in terms of what they're allowed to experience
because otherwise they might be seen as weak. They might be disrespected by their peer group. And one of the beautiful things that you as
a woman can offer him is this emotional flexibility and this assuring into a world that is rich
with texture, that is rich with the highs and the lows where he can vicariously experience
emotions, that he gives himself no permission to feel through his relationship with you. If your feeling shut down and closed off,
or scared trying to play it cool in the relationship, you're denying him of a very sweet territory
that he's secretly looking for you to bring him into whether he can say it out loud or
not. One of the ways of getting more and more access
to your emotions is working with a therapist or a coach. It's becoming a more embodied woman, getting
more in touch with how you're feeling the different sensations in your body, being able
to communicate those having in giving yourself permission to feel that, and giving yourself
permission to feel and express that in the relationship. He wants that. There might be times where your emotional
experience blows him out and he shuts down or has to back away and that's okay. That's gonna happen from time to time. But women are fascinating creatures to men
and your emotions may scare the hell out of him but that doesn't mean that he doesn't
want to be in relationship with it. As we talk about that, notice how this links
all the way back up to being in touch with your dark side and being able to bring that
into the relationship. Notice how all these just tie into you being
able to honor yourself and bring the real you into the relationship so your emotions
are you. Your emotions and what you feel and how you
express them it's the essence of what he's in relationship with. And if you are feeling like you're getting
stuck in negative emotions and you can't get out of those, go back to number five which
is where you're honoring yourself and you're taking care of your own mental health if you
need to. And you're doing what you need to become a
more integrated whole and complete person. If any of what I talked about today was intriguing
and you would like to spend some more time with me and my teaching partner Jack Butler,
again we've got a webinar below this video called The Three Keys To Attract And Keep
A High Quality Man. We call it to become relationship ready. And we dive into different archetypes that
women unconsciously play and we also talk about a certain type of vulnerability that
cracks open a guy's heart and truly has him wanting to be a devoted partner, if the two
of you are right for each other. Click the link below this video. Check it out. Subscribe to the channel. Leave a comment below what you think of these
different points and if there's any other throw them down there too, I'd love to see
them.
