6 Years Clean - Leaving my abuser

I've been waiting to make this video for so long to explain to all of you what was happening in my personal life the isolation that drove me insane sleeping on the cold heart floor the starvation I had to go through the manipulation I'm sure some of you all were able to pick up that things were quite bad for me that's why I was launching my sticker Club my merge store my Kickstarter in such a short span of time and I'm so glad that I'm finally able to make this video because I've been wanting to apologize to everyone if I ever made you all feel disappointed disrespected uncomfortable or sad because of my actions you know of like talking about money launching this launching that I really need you to watch this video because I'm going to be explaining everything that happened and I need you to know how sorry I am forever disappointing you so last year in December I had a falling out with my mom that finally opened my eyes you all know to an extent that I don't have a good relationship with my mom cuz you see my elder sister and I I were physically verbally and mentally abused by my mom all throughout our childhood but I would always excuse this thinking that oh she was young she didn't know what she was doing also I can't hold my dad accountable because he is also a victim of her abuse his situation is way worse than mine and then when I was 13 she put me through hell all because I didn't want to present myself in a feminine way I went through hell trying to survive I became depressed ended up turning to self harm you know scar that I'm living with to this day a struggle that I'm living with to this day don't cut yourself things will get better don't cut yourself everything's going to be okay this entire year was a battle but I told myself that you know what she didn't know what to do she never had a child from the LGBT community before so she only did what she thought was right so I forgave her and then when I became an adult she would always downplay the things that happened gas light me making me think that I'm just a sensitive person who overreacts and for this I told myself okay you know what she's an Asian mother she doesn't understand the impact her abuse has had on my mind she doesn't understand mental health struggles but last year that incident opened my eyes and made me realize that I could no longer excuse her abuse because it was very clear that she just never cared about how I felt it was always about forcing me to do what she wanted me to do even if it meant driving me to self harm and suicide all that mattered was that I do as she told me to now I'm not going to go into the details because I don't want this video to be long this is actually my apology video to you but long story short I made a decision in my life that had nothing to do with her my personal life okay and she was the one who was interfering and so she resorted to minor threats when she realized that I was sticking to my decision I was disappointed because all this while whenever I wanted to do this I kind of knew that this would happen I feel like deep down I always knew that to her it was all about control and getting her way but it was just such a sad thing to think about that my own mother didn't care about my feelings so that's why I think I came up with those excuses because I just couldn't face the truth which was she didn't give a damn that her abuse drove me to self harm and suicide she didn't give a damn that her treatment is what made me feel so worthless she didn't give a damn on how I felt every time she forced me to do things against my will and I know some people might be wondering cuz like I'm 27 years old how can she force me I don't know how to explain the grip that she has always had on me mentally I just could never go against her I'm not like my elder sister cuz you see the minute my mom pulled this same drama my elder sister packed her BS and left she's been gone for more than 10 years I don't even know if she's still alive and maybe now you can understand why I ended up turning to self harm leaving like that was never an option for me that's why I became suicidal cuz that was my only way to escape her and it's not like she had a leash around my neck it's just that the years of abuse the mental conditioning she did on me saying that I can never survive without her if I leave without her blessings I will suffer if I go against her she will curse me the fear I had as a child never went away you know and by the way this decision of mine did not affect her in any way she was nowhere in the picture this was a decision made for something related to my personal life that had nothing to do with her so when the minor threats didn't work she went on to the big one one day people just started showing up to the house and I realized that she decided to sell the house and I don't know how to describe to you what I felt because it was very clear that this was her way of showing who was in charge cuz I need you guys to bear in mind that I've been dealing with her for ages I can't tell you every single thing that she's done and why or how it triggers me in this one video but the main thing I need you guys to always remember about her is that she is the leader she is in charge I am nothing without her I need her I can't survive without her she's a Nar narcissistic mother okay and her goal in life has always been to drill this into my mind into everybody's mind everybody needs her my dad needs her Archie needs her nobody can survive without her that's how her mind works so when she decided to sell the house this was her way of showing to me that this is what happens when I don't listen to her in the past whenever we would have some sort of disagreement she would break the router the Internet modem is it a router a modem I'm not sure what do you call call it by saying that oh she's the one paying for the internet so nobody can enjoy it because no one is listening to her but now I was the one paying for the internet every month and even if she did break the router I had my own mobile data cuz like I'm a working individual so what was the next closest thing she had that she could use against me the house and I remember feeling so hurt because I kept asking myself was it wrong for me to prioritize my mental health like what is going to happen in the long run if I just keep my my mouth shut continue lying to myself and then one day when I can't take it anymore I just jump off a building like what's going to happen if I don't do something about it now but the minute I do something about it she makes it all about herself and pull dramas like this maybe some people will say that you're living under her roof you should have expected it I've been paying her my contribution to the house since the very first day that I got my first salary after graduation she was never happy with the amount she was always fighting with me telling me that I should pay more but the fact that I had been paying my contribution for the past 5 years shouldn't be ignored it started off with the internet the electric bill the phone bill and then whenever anything wasn't working in the house like when the roof was leaking so there's that and second of all regardless of it being her roof I am not a dog where when you tell me to eat I have to eat there is a limit and this was her interfering in my personal life I really don't know I hope nobody is going to justify this like you're living under her Ro proof so you have to do as she tells you to maybe when I was under age maybe when I was below 18 that would make sense but I'm above 18 I'm paying my contribution but it was at that time that I made the decision to move out I've actually always planned to move out at 18 but she always interfered and threatened me you see being born in November I was legally 17 when I enrolled into college so I wasn't able to move into the college dorm like how I had always planned because I was still underage and she threatened me that's why I became suicidal I was cutting myself because of her I knew that I had to get away from her to get better but she literally tied me down to her for the next 4 years by enrolling me into her choice of college and threatening me but now at the age of 26 last year I made the decision to move out but when I finally sat down doing my research my heart sank so in Malaysia when you want to rent a place you need to pay the first month's rental in advance two month's worth of rent as security deposit half a month's rent for utility deposit and the tenancy agreement stamping fees and all that stuff now I had enough for the monthly rental but I did not have this kind of extra money saved up for the deposit because I was always too busy paying her my contribution every month the mangas that you would see me buy or whatever extra stuff that you would see me show in my videos I would buy them with the remaining that I would have after paying her or from the little money that I would make through these YouTube videos and then another harsh reality that struck me was that I didn't have anyone to turn to for help to ask can you lend me some money I can pay you back or can I just talk to you about what's happening I work remotely from home so I'm not even in a place where I can ask for Advance salary so I had no friends to turn to because she made me cut contact with all of my friends not directly but through years of manipulation and this was when I realized that all these things that she did was to isolate me so that I wouldn't have anyone to turn to in an event like this and no I'm not exaggerating I'm not reaching she never liked Archie or my aunt interfering in her parenting when we were growing up but here's the thing they had to interfere when they witnessed my mom abusing us they had to interfere she would always mention how she never liked it because whenever she punished us we would always go to achie or go to my aunt and so her punishments wouldn't work she was starving us she would Gaslight me now but I will never forget the hunger that I went through as a child she would starve us of course Arie is going to give us lunch money for school so that we don't starve of course Arie is going to give us bus so that we have a way to come home but the fact that she would always say that she never liked it she never wanted us to have that safe space my aunt's house and A's house to go to so yeah through years of manipulation I cut contact with all of my friends they tried to reach out to me to invite me to weddings and all that stuff but because of her I just put it all aside but then last year that's when I realized that all these things that she did was to isolate me so that I wouldn't have anyone to turn to so it made sense why she was always pushing me to pay her extra contribution she didn't want me to be able to save my money to leave in an event like this because she knows she knows that I'm not like my elder sister to just leave without any preparation she knows that out of all my siblings I am the easiest to control and this realization broke me I may be physically clean for 6 years but my mind broke the fact that I was all alone no one to turn to no relatives no friends arches dead and gone and I really at that time thought of ending everything if I don't have the money to leave her then what's the whole purpose of living in the first place I really became so depressed and suicidal I felt so alone it was just so painful this realization but then that's when I get a notification and turns out I received the payment for one of the sponsored videos that I did last year so this payment gave me a little bit of hope I thought maybe if I launch my sticker club and my sticker shop earlier than I had planned then I can quickly put together the deposit money and actually be able to move out I had no idea what to expect when I launched my sticker Club Thinking will people be interested will it actually be enough to help me out but then I cried when I saw how many people joined my club I went from feeling so alone feeling all by myself with no one to turn to to having so much hope seeing all the support from everyone you know I can use my talent my art to save myself from this situation my sticker club members if you guys are watching this right now those who stayed those who left those who joined even for a month each and every one of you I don't think you guys are aware just how much you helped me out throughout this year all to this point right now as I'm sitting here recording this you helped me out during such a tough time and it wasn't just because oh now I have a way to be able to put together this deposit money in this short span of time but the fact that I wasn't alone you know there are these people who enjoyed my videos before this I would just think of you all as like a whole group with no no faces I don't know how to explain it was just like oh yeah there are these you know people who watch my videos and they like it but then here I was I I have a name I have I mean I kind of know where you live but like it just it felt more personal I'm like oh so these people oh there are people from this country and that country who not only enjoy my videos but now they're showing me their support they're supporting my art and you have no idea just how much I needed this kind of encouragement but then I wasn't able to fully Focus because behind all of this my mom was still causing drama fights after fights violence in the house to the point where the police had to be called to the house I was trapped in my room the ventilation was bad the place was a mess because she threatened to throw away my packed boxes so I had to keep it all in my room and so I couldn't focus on drawing for my sticker club or even making YouTube videos she went on a mission to deprive me from anything that she could so I even ended up washing my clothes by hand the last last time I washed my clothes using a washing machine was last December and then towards the last 2 months things at home got even worse so we moved to this condo and at first I was a little bit happy since the ventilation was better being on the 16th floor I could finally breathe even if I was stuck in the room I even shared with my sticker club members thinking like oh I can finally stream since the environment is like much better but then everything came crashing down when I realized that she chose a house where I wouldn't be able to use my electric kettle and stove so this meant I would have no choice but to go to her for water and food she has this Obsession I know this because she would tell it to me whenever she had issues with my sisters she would say I want them to come to me to realize that they need me that's what she would say so I knew what she was trying to do she wanted me to go to her because I had not spoken to her since December and minus the fights that she would have in between but this time I was so sick and tired of her manipulation that I chose to starve myself I only ate once a week weak but the first few days was hard I felt so weak but then after 2 days the hunger went away I did continue feeling weak I didn't have the strength to do anything I was saving every penny I couldn't afford to eat take out I did purchase instant noodles nuggets sausages all this fried stuff but I couldn't fry them or boil water to even eat the noodles I even resorted to eating raw noodles some days I'd eat plain sugar or plain raw Nest them because I had all of these raw food but I couldn't use my Kettle and the stove I would only buy takeout once a week and you know they chucked me in this last room a tiny room I barely had any space I slept on the Cal hard floor with this one pillow that I got from a sponsor earlier this year it would even be freezing coal at night and I really lost my mind during this time the hallucinations voices getting stronger I would look out the window and see that there were no railings so I just imagine like what it would be like to jump and end it it all because I was just so tired all the reals that you saw me make they were all on an empty stomach if you could see how sick I looked without my mask on sunken eyes dark circles underneath my eyes cracked lips from dehydration I was even prepared to die from stress overworking or hunger and I even told myself that if I do die from all of these at least I died getting away from her trying to get away from her and that's why I launched so many things at once and and I had to talk about money encourage you to buy my stickers join my sticker Club I didn't like bringing it up at all this was never how I envisioned launching my merch store or my sticker Club it was always supposed to be something extra for those who enjoyed my videos but here I was hungry emotionally and physically exhausted putting my hopes on my sticker club and Sticker Shop to be a legit side income because of the situation that I was in and once again I was so touched by all the support that I received from everyone my sticker club members and then from those who bought a sticker from my shop the living cost in Malaysia is low so you have no idea just how much that one sticker purchase amounts to for someone like me living in a country like Malaysia and I couldn't really come out and tell yall what was happening to me this was still a me problem like I brought this upon myself I should have saved my money before this instead of buying manga I should have kept money aside even if I didn't expect something like this to happen and it's not like I didn't have a roof over my head I just told my myself that I'm going to solve this on my own and once I escape this hell then I'll explain why I did what I did this was why when I launched the kickstarter some people said that I should have made the video at the start of it the thing was that I couldn't bring myself to ask you guys for your support all over again right after launching my sticker shop I didn't want you to think Josh first your sticker club and then your sticker shop and now your Kickstarter what's this how many things do you want me to support that I need your help video was a last resort cuz with the funding to make the pins after the pins arrive and I mail everyone's rewards the balance will go up on my shop and at least there will be things other than my stickers on my store that people can buy but I didn't want to come to y'all again so I tried promoting my Kickstarter on Reddit on Facebook but I never expected to face homophobes or like this struggle to promote an LGBT themed Kickstarter so I had to eventually turn to YouTube and I was so grateful to see all the support from it not just those who beg the project but the encouragement you know boosting for the algorithm or like I don't have the money but I hope you can raise the funds like I was crying the entire night cuz not a single person said anything horrible they were all supportive comments and just what I needed during a tough time like that so that's why I'm so glad that I can finally make this video I'm so sorry if I ever disappointed you cuz maybe from your point of view I may have come off as money hungry from launching all of these things my mom even made me sign a contract stating that that I would pay her more by the 1 of November or like starting from the 1st of November and guys I'm telling you that if that actually happened if I actually start contributing more than I used to I would never be able to put together my money collect my money and leave her I'm sorry if you ever felt disrespected like maybe to you it may have seemed as if I didn't care where my sticker club members got their money from or where my viewers got their money from I appreciate each and every one of your support each and every person who joined my sticker Club who bought my stickers who supported the kickstarter the pins are still being manufactured by the way I'm still having like a back and forth with the manufacturer we're deciding a lot of stuff about the design and stuff I'll keep you guys updated about the pins you don't know what it's like for me to be all by myself and have no one to talk to but to get these kinds of words from people who don't even know me they actually helped me to throughout this entire year I didn't have anyone to talk to about anything that was happening I was just by myself there were times where I would be afraid that I might lose my voice or forget how my voice sounds like cuz I don't have anyone to talk to so the few live streams that I did I really enjoyed even if it was a few of you guys joining it was just so nice for me to talk and hear my own voice I of all people would never like dismiss where you get your money from I know that we all work we earn every single penny and I appreciate every single penny it's just that I was in such a tough situation that I knew even when I moved out say I did put together enough deposit money and all that stuff and I have enough for the rental what about any emergency so at least when I set up this Sticker Shop my sticker Club even YouTube at least there is this extra money coming in and just in case some emergency were to pop up like maybe the door is not working like who knows what kind of emergency might occur at least I have this Etsy store my sticker Club you know I have these streams of Revenue coming in even with my Etsy store and my sticker shop I don't get sales all the time it's not like every single day it's like one order in two weeks weeks or like sometimes for an entire month there's no order but it's okay cuz it's just for emergency I know that there is this place where if someone purchases any of my stickers I get some extra cash that can help me out especially during this time because the move was really expensive to hire the truck to buy a lot of things for the first time like cleaning supplies even yesterday just as I moved in and I'm thinking to myself do I continue starving myself for this month because I don't want to touch my emergency funds or any of these additional extra money that I have or do I spend it but then just as I moved in I get a sale I I get I get an order from Ashley you know some someone who purchased my stickers before this and just that one sticker sheet purchase I was able to buy some extra food and stuff for the house cuz the living cost in Malaysia is low so even that one sticker sheet purchase helped me out for like I think the next 2 weeks not that this food is enough for 2 weeks but I had like all the frozen food I purchased before this and then now I just needed like oil dishwashing soap and just some basic stuff that I actually wasn't planning on buying because I didn't want to touch that emergency fund I'm sorry if I made you feel sad like for those who wanted to buy my stickers my keychains the merch and stuff just to show your support but then you couldn't because maybe it was too expensive the thing was in the past whenever I was planning this merch store I would have never cared about Etsy fees because the merch store that I was planning had nothing to do with profit I was just I just wanted to create something extra that those who watch my videos can you know uh be able to buy just to show their support because they like watching my videos and they have these keychains and stickers it was just supposed to be something as simple as that but then you know this entire thing happened and I had to turn and look at it as a real legit site income and so I had to count at fees and all that stuff to make sure that I get a good amount of profit whenever someone buys the stickers and the keychains so I'm sorry if those who actually really wanted to but you couldn't afford it and here I was like showing you know please buy this and uh this person bought this and maybe you felt sad because you wasn't you weren't able to buy it I'm so sorry the thing is I also wanted to do giveaways but I really was not in the proper hit space to plan a giveaway or plan a proper video to host giveaways cuz like I pour my heart and soul into my videos I really do maybe to some people it's like it's just BL it's just you know pointless quirky videos but to me I really really pour my heart and soul into this videos and if my heart and soul is a mess it will reflect in the videos I mean that's what I feel even if you look at any of the videos that came out this year you can tell that I wasn't really there you know the the the me that used to be so excited making it I just wasn't there I'm sorry if promoting my sticker Club annoyed you or made you feel uncomfortable but I hope you can understand why I did that and even now this video is monetized cuz I'm not going to take any risk wherever I can make extra cash I'm going to do that I'm currently very scared you know it is a very scary experience to be moving out on your own and living on your own but it's scarier when you're not prepared and then on top of that all my life I've been told that I can't live without my mom my salary is not enough to live on my own the rent of this place is 1,300 Malaysian ring which is like $270 us you know which depending on your income you know it's going to be expensive or affordable for me it should be okay and on top of that I don't live an expensive lifestyle I don't go out I don't have any car loans I don't eat much but I'm still just very scared I'm sure you can see that this place is unfurnished luckily it came with a fridge washing machine and a built-in wardrobe so I don't have to buy any of that but I'm not going to be buying any furniture for now I slept on the floor for 2 months I can do it again for the next few months cuz I don't want to touch my emergency fund like maybe this month I'll buy a mattress okay you know what this month I won't buy anything next month I'll buy a mattress and then in January I'll buy a bed frame and then in February I'll buy a clothes hanging thingy thing just one thing at a time there's no rush I was able to survive the entire year without all of these things I hope you understand that when I promote my sticker shop my sticker Club in my videos even after this you don't feel you know like uh Josh can you stop talking about your Sticker Shop cuz I am now really truly relying on it as a side income for any emergency maybe after a few months I'll update you guys on like what's it like to now live on my own pay rent pay I mean I I used to pay the bills back when I was living with that lady so it's not that new for me it's just that I don't know what to expect now that I'm living on my own I still haven't had the internet installed and all that stuff I still haven't done that cuz I'm not sure like what really to expect out of this first month what are my bills going to look like rent together with electric together with water and if I were to add Internet like what's it going to look like so maybe after a month after two months I let you guys know if it's like a real still a real dire situation where I have to rely on this or if it's actually quite okay and I was worried for no reason it's just the words that were planted in my head saying that I can never do it on my own I need her no matter what happens I'm going to go back to her it's just scaring me right now as I sit here I also can't just reconnect with all my friends because it's not easy to undo the manipulation the conditioning that I've been through even right now as I sit here that is a part of me thinking that maybe I should have forgiven my mom you know maybe I should have just pushed it aside like how I always did cuz right now my elder sister left my younger sister left and if all of us were to leave her who's going to help her right like maybe if I stayed I could have helped her I'm actually thinking that right now even after everything that I've been through even when I got this place I kept thinking maybe I can ask them for help you know to clean it up I did do everything on my own every single thing that I had to do clean it up arranged the moving track everything was done all by myself and it was quite hot but it's fine you know as scared as I am I I'm finally at peace my mind is finally at peace I can finally focus on every single thing that I've been wanting to do the live streams the patreon only videos I have so many things that I want to do so many new things to add to the store so many new stickers to draw so many new videos to make I will leave all the links in the description for those who want to join my sticker Club on patreon there is a new patreon only video tier or for those who want to buy from my sticker shop I am glad that despite everything that happened I did not relapse this year I am 6 years clean is it is it can can you can you see it six yes clean yay my six years clean streak is still going strong and it's all thanks to you guys thank you for your support financially emotionally you know the words of encouragement that you all would always leave cuz I don't have anyone to give me that and it really truly helped maybe to you it was just a normal comment but to me it meant everything I hope I can give back one day well not not that I hope I know that I must give back one day I I will give back one day so yeah that's it for now I have a lot of unpacking to do a lot of packing also for the sticker Club and then just a lot of stuff so I'll get to that and I'll see you when I see you

Channel: Jellie's World

Views: 37,726

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Id: Jore-nD-Qy8

Length: 29min 34sec (1774 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 05 2023