6 Badasses Of History You've Never Heard Of - The Cracked Podcast

I'm Jack I'm joined on stage by a writer and star of many a cracked video my occasional co-host mr. Michael Swan Michael you look well thank you well I thought I should take our role pretty seriously today we're gonna be doing some judging yet today we're talking about badasses that you've likely never heard of either due to an acute case of not being a straight white guy history hates it when you're not a straight white guy or because they were on the losing side of the war or had stupid names there's going to be all sorts of reasons you've never heard of these people but they're all going to be incredibly entertaining ly badass and Michael and I are going to sit here in judgment so yeah here's the format we're going to bring out one of our writers who will present badasses for our approval like a female baboon except rather than being swollen and red the asses they present will be under regarded and bad you will really work to make that metaphor time ahead you'll then indicate your approval let's get to our first presenter he is a hilarious stand-up writer and performer from cracked he enters every room he walks into first please welcome Alex MIT hi Alex I want to talk about I'm gonna call him to quantum because that's what he called himself but you know him as Squanto and he's I think one of the most famous Native Americans if not just figures in history and he's famous for none of the cool stuff for some reason he basically like we know him as oh he was good at corn but like actually he he lived he basically lived the life of a game of Thrones character he was born in present-day Massachusetts in a village called Pawtuxet and he was so his he spent his childhood being raised to be an advisor to the Chiefs and what that meant in their culture was all kinds of just like punishing trials and John Smith candra's village in 1614 and visited and kind of got to the tribe and John Smith went off to another place and left behind one of his guys and said you know just keep talking these people and keep an eye on them and his subordinate said yes absolutely but then kidnapped like two dozen natives including tisk Watson who also we as far as his name goes in this Oracle record we know that's what he told the British his name was but in their language it translates to wrath of God so he might have just made up a cool persona for now so that's your act break right there what's your name son red to God and yeah that's so under his awesome wrath of God Navy spent the next five years in hell the unscrupulous British had kidnapped him took him away and immediately brought him to Spain to be sold into slavery he managed to talk his way out of slavery in presumably a language he just learned so good show and then worked his way to England where he was a servant but also basically a house pet for a very rich British man who just wanted to be like an American look at that in his house and then he talked his way out of that presumably in the new language and God ride on a boat to Newfoundland then he talked to a guy there said hey I'd really like to go back to Massachusetts and the guy was like yeah sure let's just go back and forth again across the Atlantic again so he was on four horrible cross languages and then five years later gets back to his old hometown of Pawtuxet and everyone is dead everyone 90% of the population of Massachusetts died of some kind of viral hepatitis and so what used to be his village of Pawtuxet was now the English colony of Plymouth that they built on top of it and everyone he's known in his life is gone and none of the natives trust to Squanto because he's been too close to the Europeans you know because they kidnapped him and stuff and none of the Europeans trust his quantum because he's a Native American and so what he does is play everyone against everyone for the rest of his life when he returned like they were living in the houses of the people who had died like just like using their bowls they're like oh hey hey man yeah I think he really and I mention Game of Thrones because he really had one of the things I loved about that show is you'll just constantly see characters like well I'm in a new continent and everything's bad and it just it just happens to him all the time worries like I guess I need to learn a whole nother language and convince people and the greatest again all right shall we confer does Alex beat snow buddies yeah I think you can stay out here by many names the surge surge Sarge party weasel is a new one I use the hilarious writer performer and cracked columnist Joshua F sergeant was elbow had to fight earlier I saw I don't remember when as a kid I saw someone wearing elbow patches and I just said that's what adulthood and success looks like my guy Aki Rob or akhira is still around because history happens every day and it's still alive just important to remember he was born he doesn't actually know when it was in the early 70s in Cambodia and the reason doesn't know when is because the Khmer Rouge before he was old enough to have memories killed his family and made him a slave planting land mines because little tiny baby hands are the best hands for planting landmines which is a horribly depressing thing that you now know because of Pol Pot he did that for about ten years and then the Khmer Rouge was in a battle with the Vietnamese army that free in akhira and immediately had him plant landmines for them which i imagine was disappointing in 1989 the vietnamese army left Cambodia which I'm sure you already knew and the Cambodian government came in and said look one person the audience is like was there ever I gotta go uh Cambodian army came up and said you know you've been really good at planting landmines how about you keep doing that he's like we're not at war but ok he kept doing that until 1992 when finally the UN came in and asked him to help them remove landmines you know they left job done he said well we still have more landmines in Cambodia than people there are 6 million unexploded landmines in Cambodia 5.1 million people so what he did is he spent that point in 1994 until now digging up landmines and what's impressive about this is that for context when the UN shifts landmines is what you call it they have a team of a thousand people and in a month they can remove three thousand landmines using state-of-the-art equipment and training and state-of-the-art those two little babies those two things you told us you in robot baby hands Akira between 1994 and 2005 using a pocketknife and occasionally a wrench and no other equipment literally a t-shirt and pants remove 50 thousand landmines now today he is still doing that he has a landmine museum that Iran's that is full of landmines that he has you got to put him somewhere yeah he's trying to even come up turn them into non bombs to show tourists and people to pay for his continued efforts and he also is it serves as a home for children who've been injured by landmines because again the entire country is just landmines in villages and farms which you might notice is where people live and grow food Oh at it yes schedule that's all that's all things and all that is very impressive and I believe I heard some audible gasps yeah we proud stick with aakhirah let's occupy replaces Squanto who sucks clearly folks like you plants Minds that only takes apart minds that's like one skill to zero and it's a zero-sum game right it kind of just cancels out and Alex's reign ended so quickly yeah here Alex you've done you don't sound like always ex-con class 2a with a bit you didn't do it who we bring it out we're bringing out a Blake Wexler a hilarious stand-up who has worked on many of my favorite shows like a key appeal and review he's a regular on the Todd glass show The Nerdist podcast please give it up for Blake wetzlar thank you for having me I am NOT I this is not about me I'm the badass in 1777 George Washington's army was camped out in Valley Forge which is in suburban Philadelphia and there was probably 12,000 troops that he had under his command 2,000 that year died so I was looking real bad and they hadn't won a single battle yet against the British meanwhile in Prussia Frederick the Great had released a man named Baron von Steuben from his army and that's the guy that's my badass Baron von Steuben and he was released for being gay and that's why he was released which by the way is what I want on my tombstone is that here lies Blake Wexler he was fired from the Prussian army for being gay it's the most baller thing I've ever heard of my entire life it's awesome so he gets kicked out in a Benjamin Franklin like amidst having sex with numerous French [ __ ] it's like oh this guy's awesome we need together we totally need to get this guy so Baron von Steuben gets not flown over probably he hopped on the back of an eagle and that's why it's so cool yeah gorgeous beautiful plumage - equal I would imagine it was a boat head he got on and sameen while Valley Forge the Cana no Army is camped out morale was horribly low no one even has shoes you know people are losing limbs to frostbite like by the hour and all of a sudden there's a noise in the distance and it's like it sounds like bottles clinking together and then over a hill Baron von Steuben arriving at this ragtag army the noise it was a bunch of jingle bells that he had affixed to a gorgeous immaculate constructed sleigh my man pulled up in a goddamn sway a sleigh and he was wearing a huge fur coat these people don't even have shirts he shows up in a fur coat while petting a miniature Greyhound which like he invented the dog accessory which is pretty cool so and on his sleigh sleigh again sleigh he has his chief of staff not that odd and then four of his young gay boyfriends and it's just like that's a entrance that's a hell entrance so he rolls up doesn't speak a word of goddamn English and it's just like I said guys my interest like trains the head of the army these people didn't even know how to fix bayonets to a to a musket which I would imagine rope I don't know but they didn't know how to do it and he teaches a judicious battle formations he teaches how to um a new efficient way of roading it I'm sorry a loading and reloading the first battle after the encampment if I would forage on had ended was the first battle and throughout the war that on the Americans actually held the battleground so it turned the entire tide of the world with a war he turned the tide he turned farmers literally farmers and lawyers into professional killers Oh while wearing a fur coat and parading around with his little gay boars like he was fish and that's not the most baller mad I don't know what's wrong with you who's amazing you're never married my mother - everybody good - really good yeah good just so I'm ready for amongst women to come out dead body just trust me that's right did this more of a bummer then it sounds like he also invented Santa Claus like you really I was leaning towards and coca-cola was there and they were like Bellco early about us also I think for the added layer of getting it to come down in history his true sexual orientation you know what I mean because yeah there are many historical figures who may well have been gay but it's such a triumph to have history allow that to be remembered about you yeah he was so like shamelessly himself you know like they couldn't yeah in terms of like the most homophobic arenas of the world it's like the army and then suburban Philadelphia I think those are one with two and he's served openly and proudly yeah it was awesome I think we should do a plaza mater plaza mater all right let's go bond stupid or stupid or stolen horse Toyman aakhirah well it's an amazing place you're great at reading a crowd our next presenter is a regular contributor to the onion and he's a stand-up known for producing a conceptual comedy show one called seven minutes in purgatory which I watched on YouTube which is definitely worth your time where comedians perform in one room for a camera with noise cancelling headphones while the audience watches in another so the comedian has no idea how they're doing and just like dies the slow death it's really brilliant with that in mind please make very little noise to avoid startling mr. Ian Abramson yeah the door sticks I'd hate if you guys made a lot of noise Wow okay how we do it so I don't know if you guys have heard of PT Barnum I assume that on some level you have you think circus guy you might think liar cheat I think red-blooded American you know what I mean we stole this country is what I'm saying and what better example that a man that built his built his career on lying and cheating that's it he did it in a very honest way uh as a child PT Barnum was completely tricked and this kind of set the tone of his entire life I he was told as like an infant to the time that he was about 12 years old that he and had inherited land from his uncle and not realizing that this was kind of some kind of an in-joke with his family people would just kind of be like don't worry when you're when you come of age you'll be inheriting Ivy island Ivy island is basically just a completely useless swamp so he kind of continues his life he ends up becoming a shop owner and he's always had a kind of a penchant for excitement and kind of heightening the stakes so he starts a lottery and this did not exist in America before that so he kind of had a part in starting the first lottery at his shop and because that was controversial he got some bad reviews so then he started his own news paper and which also allowed him to legitimately call out other frogs in newsprint which got him arrested three different times he moves to New York and he says I need to find the next big thing what am I going to do and he hears about in Washington DC someone claims to have George Washington's nurse the woman that says she says that she changed George Washington's diaper he has no money and he has to figure out even if I sell everything I have how am I going to to to do this how am I going to get the money to buy this this woman because slavery still exists at this point again time of Abraham Lincoln and they they they he says you know what I have one thing I can put down his collateral it's a family heirloom IV Island and this woman would have been I think over 200 years old well over 200 years old and and so there's no way that that was true and he must have known that but to the to his dying day he claims to have been fooled by it himself that's the thing with PT good old PT he was touring with George Washington's wet-nurse and what she would do is you would come in to like a big kind of conference hall she would just kind of sing songs that she claimed to had sung for Abraham Lincoln and Lincoln or Washington see her salaries not even that would have been my first clue met Nixon and I say this day Elvis Presley a hundred years from now hires fraud and so does America USA USA awesome alright let's go PT Barnum some wonderfully made July only have ambivalence aakhirah Thank You me next presenter is a hilarious writer performer and columnist for cracked mr. Thomas rhyme an excellent sitcom named Richard you guys really dropped the ball not all going home I guess in the raid yeah right redemption or check it out or its sequel the raid - Ramos Akana was the lady who invented the fighting style that's used in those movies called Pinchuk see LOD you look at us like we could correct you if you said it wrong am i pronouncing it correctly everyone that's sound started this release down stabs you if you haven't seen at the raid is about a bunch of Indonesian stuntmen beating each other to death in a series of hallways it is fantastic it's the best movie ever it truly is um so lady actually invented that fighting style and she's kind of like a legendary characters there's not a whole lot of like real actual facts about her except everyone agrees that it was this one lady and the story goes that she's walking down to the river or whatever to do the laundry for the day and you can tell how old it is because she's carrying her laundry on her head right she's walking how to do the laundry in the river like you do and she sees see according to different versions of legend onyx stick with this one first she sees two monkeys fighting one of them is attacking the other one with a stick so she's watching as this monkey is trying to beat the hell out of us other monkey with a stick and the stick 'less monkey isn't doing this like dramatic series of getting the hell out of the way and like dazzling hand moves like swatting it away and just really just avoiding every bit of assault that this stick monkey we will call it is unleashing and she said to her it's just transfixed by this as any one of us would be right if that was a YouTube video yeah put that on TV right should have been the raid yeah 90 minutes of monkeys beating each other huh the stick monkey - right it gets really late to go crap I get better get back to my house her husband has been sitting at home this entire time wondering when the hell Rama is gonna come back with his laundry and also with his dinner what a dick right oh it gets like this guy like because he can't he can't eat his dinner unless he's wearing a clean tunic so both of those chores have to be done the same time she gets back to his house and he immediately sets in order with trying to beat the hell out of her for being late so she sees him coming at her just with this you know in full where's my dinner [ __ ] mode and is trying to hit her but she's like oh no I just watched these monkeys so I know what to do so she just lays into what the other monkey was doing to avoid this ding you know it's a dazzling hand moves and deft head Bob's and weaves and he just cannot land a single blow and this goes on until he gets tired finally it gets the point where he's just like okay what are you doing what is this what is this dude what sorcery have you brought into this house and she tells him what it is and then it becomes pen shot see lot now what he means she tells him what it is does it have a name that you she can straight it to him okay so is it it's assumed did she then began like honing it into a copy yet so she demonstrated what she had learned from this monkey it's unclear where the monkey himself learned it I assume you picked it up I said he picked it up in prison that says lie there's no true story yeah well okay like I said it's steeped in legend but every every version of it pretty much agrees that it's this one lady who came up with it however she came up with right that's my pick is give us a name one more time again robinson cano my man Jack's gonna have to stay out right now you don't think I could rub Rama su kana here you go my border baccara yeah octi Rob okay up next is the newest full-time member of the crack team a hilarious writer performer and actress she has a cat that pees magic crystals is something we learned at the last live show and many tattoos that are themselves cooler than me please give it up for Carmen Angelica um let's talk about a Ching she the most successful pirate captain of all time my opinion um in your boat and also my opinion is fact um oh by the way ashes woman born and 1785 became a prostitutes who survived was born into poverty married captain junkie I looked up how to pronounce that so I don't totally butcher everything um leader of the red flag fleet of pirates pretty scary at the time pretty scary so scary yeah and then in 1807 chun-hee died in a tsunami and she did not die in the tsunami yeah because she's a badass they were both in the tsunami yeah that is bad and she lived her she lived he deserved to Wow from Miss Mary his body she like she likes tan such a boy that was some tsunami huh she's like honey did you feel that oh no all right and then because he died there were ton of uh male pirates who were up for the throne and she was like uh no no no I'm in charge now so she became in charge of the fleet and it became the biggest pirate fleet one of the biggest pirate fleets ever bigger than a lot of navies she took over every single major pirate organization she ended up with eighteen hundred ships and eight thousand pirates that she was in charge of I know what a murmur sweeps through they know get into it with me this is great not only that okay but she organized an inland spy network she had protection schemes she had she was blackmailing people she was the Godfather before the Godfather or any of the people that the Godfather was based off of she was the original are we sure she didn't pay the tsunami no I think I believe actually the tsunami paid her to have it ride in oh yeah she was that badass um she also had a very strict moral code as a pirate she would chop up the heads of 81 who broke the rules and she would also chop off the ears of anybody who deserted I don't know why that was a lesser offense deserved like that's a pretty ambiguous more I think she was like maybe they didn't hear me well enough when I said you can't leave so next time I'm gonna cut off your ears so that you just have a hole that my words go straight into um and she made sure that no women were mistreated if they captured any women they had to be released unless the male pirate and the lady who was stolen um was like uh oh I like you I would like you to let's get married and then they both had to agree and then they could get married but if he cheated she would kill him so nobody on everybody was very faithful in her pirate troops um then the Chinese government was like I was just too good at this oh she's stealing all our things we can't do this alone I'm sick Chinese government yeah um and then they were like today organize Imperial fleet and they were like a hate British Dutch and the British and Dutch were like okay we'll help you and then and then they did and then she met them head-on she didn't turn around she didn't even like warm around them like she was like she met them head-on and took 60 Imperial ships with her she took 60 of them and then the Chinese Admiral killed himself because he was like I don't want her to capture me so then the Chinese government was like we don't know what to do peace and so they offered her a peace treaty and everything and she was like only if every pirate was pardoned and allowed to retire unpunished and they got to keep all the loot that they stole and then she was like my husband needs to be the new head of the Navy because it looked like got a guy before killed himself um what's her husband a fellow pirate or did oh she has she someone and then married not [ __ ] chukka she was that she like was like I think when she became the head of the Pirates she was like you you're my husband you are goodbye and he was like okay uh you don't want to know what she's gonna chop off if you refuse now so then so then he was she was like he gets to be the head of the Navy because I scared the head of the Navy so much he killed himself and then and then she was like I'm done uh and so she's like button you can make me a noble lady so she was like a late she was considered the lady of imperial decree and she died in 1844 at the age of 69 well now you just put me over the top so now to that point [ __ ] thank you guys for coming out yeah hi everyone thank you for watching that video I'm not going to tell you to like or subscribe because you're obviously varsity at YouTube by now it's been out for long enough that you know how this all works you can always comment of course you you know that too you can pretty much do whatever you want you can just wait for this to end and for the next video to load because you know there's autoplay now although I don't know in the future if YouTube will continue to do that obviously the more that I talk the less chance there is that you'll be able to advance to the next video because there's so much time that I'm taking up right now you should probably actually just pick something from the rail next to me it's a lot easier

Channel: Cracked

Views: 661,684

Rating: 4.5786476 out of 5

Keywords: Cracked.com, Cracked, sketch, comedy, funny, spoof, parody, humor, satire, Cracked podcast, podcast, baron von steuben, Aki Ra, Rambo, badasses, Squanto, John Smith

Id: DNqij1DQw48

Length: 29min 38sec (1778 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 28 2016

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