Marcus Aurelius was a Roman Emperor from the year
161 until his death in 180 AD. He was a calm and peaceful Ruler - it’s no wonder that he was known
as the last ruler from a line later known as ‘The Five Good Emperors.’ He himself has once famously
said: ‘It isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human, and
therefore manlier. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.’
He believed in peace as strength rather than war or fighting. During his rule, Aurelius wrote
the - now very famous - ‘Meditations.’ in which he wrote extensively on the topic of controlling
one's emotions. Aurelius' writings on controlling one's emotions revolve around the Stoic philosophy
of rationality, self-awareness, and acceptance of the natural order. By recognizing the power
of our own minds and choosing our responses to external events, we can achieve greater
emotional control and inner tranquility. The philosophy of stoicism that Aurelius
lived by involves discipline, justice, fairness, and having a great deal of
control of yourself - more specifically, your emotions. His Stoic mindset managed
to get Aurelius through many deaths and hardships in his life, including Roman
battles with other Empires and an Antonine plague hitting and devastating his Empire.
In this video we’ll teach you how to control your emotions by following the advice of
legendary stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius. Accept Your Fate Marcus Aurelius says ‘You have been formed of
three parts—body, breath, and mind. Of these, the first two are yours insofar as they are only
in your care. The third alone is truly yours.’ According to Aurelius, fate describes all
the circumstances that you unwillingly find yourself in; sometimes life just happens to
you. It is what it is. So when you accept fate, you accept the fact that you
can’t control how life goes, no matter how hard you try. So try to distance
yourself from the thought that your life needs to go a certain way in order for you to be
truly happy or successful in it. Those who think this fact will probably live their entire
lives being miserable, because life didn’t turn out the exact way they wanted it to, and they
probably blame themselves for it, as well. So, instead, try to be truly honest with yourself
about what you can control and what you can’t. For example, bad traffic, bad weather, or even someone
close to you dying are all things that can greatly affect your life, but you have no control over
whatsoever - whenever anything bad happens to you, you can’t do anything but accept it. But there
are things you can control: how early you leave your home, your reaction to events, your
thoughts and, yes, even your emotions. Now, it is important to note that Aurelius didn’t
recommend for us to do nothing and just let life happen to us. We can absolutely have goals,
work towards them, try things out, et cetera. But it’s important to realize that things might
not turn out the way we want them to, and we need to accept this fact before we start working
towards a certain goal. But how do we accept fate? A different but equally brilliant quote
by Marcus Aurelius goes as follows: ‘‘Try praying differently, and see what
happens: Instead of asking for ‘a way to sleep with her,’ try asking for ‘a way
to stop desiring to sleep with her.’ Instead of ‘a way to get rid of him,’ try
asking for ‘a way to not crave his demise.’ Instead of ‘a way to not lose my child,’
try asking for ‘a way to lose my fear of it.’’ This quote perfectly describes how
Aurelius recommends you deal with fate. Whenever you wish life to go a certain
way, you are trying to control fate, and you will most likely end up disappointed in
one way or another. But if you try to control your emotions instead, you’ll find that life
becomes much more bearable. In other words: when life doesn’t match your desires, work on
changing your desires. So, whenever you find yourself in a situation that causes intense
emotions to bubble up, try to ask yourself: what can I control? Whatever you can control
is a reason to act. Whatever you can’t control, you should try to accept and think of how
you are going to act in the face of it. For example, if you find yourself being fired,
do not curse the world for letting this happen to you, but train your mind to overcome it quickly.
You can’t change the fact that you were fired, but you can try to look for positives in everything:
is there a job you’ve always wanted to do? Can you try to find something with better hours? Or find
a job that will teach you something new? Or you can spend the coming few weeks enjoying some spare
time before you start your search? In other words: accept the fact that you lost your job, and
positively try to consider your options now. By accepting fate and looking for positives
or opportunities in hardships instead of clinging to our precious desires, we will
find that we have a great influence over our emotions. The way we think about things
shapes the way we feel about things. Thus, accepting fate helps us control our emotions. Challenge Your Perspective In the words of Marcus Aurelius “The happiness of your life depends upon the
quality of your thoughts.” The best way to start accepting your fate is by
learning to challenge your perspective on events. Everything that happens to us evokes emotions. In
turn, these emotions cause us to see situations in a certain light, act a certain way, think certain
thoughts, and so on - often in ways that are destructive or unhelpful to ourselves. To avoid
this, it’s important to start to challenge the thoughts these emotions evoke and the thoughts
they bring with them as soon as they pop up. Firstly, it’s important to note that challenging
or trying not to act on certain emotions doesn’t mean ignoring them. In other words, to shove
those feelings down, pretend to not have them, and make sure not to pay them any attention
- like ignoring an attention-seeking child in the hopes they’ll calm down. And while
that strategy might work on some children, it won’t do so on your emotions. The problem with
ignoring your emotions is that, unlike a child, you can’t explain your reasoning to your
feelings! Most of the time, there’s a reason for your emotions, and when there is a reason
for something, ignoring it won’t make it go away. Emotions are, although often illogical, a natural response to our circumstances and the
world around us. They cannot be willed away; they have to be acknowledged and even cared
for. And this is what you can control: your perspective on those emotions. But paying
attention to them doesn’t mean giving in to them! Instead, observe them, accept their
existence, and then challenge them. How? By looking for the positive in everything
that feels negative! So, for example, think of every obstacle as an opportunity,
every challenge as a chance to prove yourself, and every unlucky moment as a funny memory for
later. The stoics were very, very good at forming a positive perspective on everything. A more
straight-forward guide to doing this is by asking yourself the following questions:
Why does this make me feel angry/stressed/frustrated?
What conclusions do I draw as a result? Is there a more positive way
to interpret this situation? For example, think of someone who’s had a fight
with their partner about something important and feels their partner is being unreasonable. They
might feel angry and frustrated, and have thoughts such as ‘I guess our relationship isn’t working
out’ or ‘They don’t understand me as well as I thought they did.’ But such a conclusion, in turn,
only intensifies the anger, frustration, and can even ignite sadness and cause that person to get
more upset than they already were. So now, let’s see what would happen if they asked themselves
the three questions we mentioned earlier. The first two have already been answered - and it’s
good for the person themselves to get clear on that as well. But the last question is where the
most important work takes place: how can they turn this around? Well, instead of thinking about the
end of the relationship, think about how resolving this issue together can make the relationship
stronger! And instead of thinking that your partner just doesn’t understand you, see this as
an opportunity to get to know each other better. Your partner might not understand your point of
view, but you don’t understand theirs either! So think about why they said what they said. What
must they have been feeling? What could their reasoning have been? And how did you come across
to them - could there be a misunderstanding, could they have misinterpreted you? Between any
relationship, the answers to these questions are often much milder than expected, and you’ll
find that the solution to a fight is much closer and easier than anticipated. As a result, you
understand each other better, and you’ve made your relationship stronger - both very positive
thoughts! Aurelius had a very helpful quote on trying to understand others: ‘Whenever someone
has done wrong by you, immediately consider what notion of good or evil they had in doing it.
For when you see that, you’ll feel compassion, instead of astonishment or rage.’ Thinking about
someone else’s perspective is a wonderful way to start forming positive thoughts about your
seemingly negative interactions with them. If you think rationally and change your
perspective on your situation and your thoughts first, your emotions
will follow. It works like this: if your thoughts are predominantly
negative, you'll likely feel worse, but if you steer your thoughts toward the
positive, your emotional state will improve. Every situation can be interpreted in multiple ways
- and there’s always a more positive or a more negative way to look at it. By controlling
your thoughts you control your emotions! Practice Negative Visualization Aurelius advises us ‘In the
morning say to yourself, today I shall have to deal with an idle
curious man, with an unthankful man, a railer, a crafty, false, or an envious
man; an unsociable, uncharitable man.’ One of the things we probably all have
some experience with, is thinking of worst-case-scenarios. Often, considering those
feels destructive - we make ourselves feel anxious and panicked about a hypothetical event that
is, most likely, not going to happen. Of course, these scenarios pop up in our heads right
before we go on stage for a big speech, right before we’re trying to fall asleep at night,
or right as we’re already feeling anxious about another worry - and in response to this sudden
thought, we start to panic. We try to will the thought away or surrender to the anxiety that
comes with it. As a result, we regard these kinds of thoughts as unhelpful and try to avoid them.
But that strategy has its downsides as well: now, if anything bad does happen, you’re completely
distraught and have no idea what to do. And that’s the trick to imagining
worst-case-scenarios to your benefit: properly deal with them. Stoics call this
method of imagining the worst case ‘negative visualization.’ Negative visualization works best
when you take the time to consciously do it. So when you consider doing a certain thing, like
giving a speech, or taking on a new job, selling homemade crafts, or going on a date, actually
sit down to think about the worst-case-scenarios. Sit down, close your eyes, and realistically
think: ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’ Now, when you start to imagine something like
that, you’ll most likely feel an immediate rush of anxiety in your body - you get the urge to stop or
panic or perhaps even cry. This is the hard part: don’t give in to those feelings. Remain still and
observe your worst-case-scenario as if you were a bystander. In other words: regard it objectively.
Now, you can start to ask yourself questions. ‘What could I do to handle this situation?’ or
‘How could I make myself feel better if this were to happen?’ In other words: you develop a
coping strategy. Then, when you’re done, you’ll no longer experience sudden ‘what if-’ thoughts,
because you’ve already gone over them! Moreover, if the worst really does happen, you won’t freeze
on the spot; instead, you know exactly what to do. So how does this help you control your emotions?
Simple: imagine the difference between giving a speech you’ve prepared for and a speech you
haven’t. While you might feel the nerves in both cases, the latter is definitely the situation
where your emotions are most intense and the least easy to ignore. In the former scenario, you
can distract yourself from nerves and anxiety by going over your speech or tactics in your head.
When your mind tries to plague you with ‘what if’ scenarios, you can think of what to do in those
scenarios. When your body makes you shake and tremble, you can find distraction in going over
your speech again in your head. Preparation is almost a medicine against emotions - they will
be there, sure, but they won’t rule over you. Negative visualization isn’t just handy for
when you take risks or try out something new, though. It works best as a daily practice: if
you take some time to consider that the day ahead could be awful every morning, you’ll walk into the
day more prepared - not because you’re counting on a bad day, but because you’ll know what to do if
it does become one. Aurelius especially practiced this daily version of negative visualization
himself; it was his way of getting through the day. Negative visualization will help you
be prepared for every possible scenario, feel more confident in everything you do -
and thus are less subject to sudden emotions. Use A Journal To quote Aurelius ‘Dwell on the
beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them. Think
constantly on the changes of the elements into each other, for such thoughts
wash away the dust of earthly life.’ But, of course, challenging your thoughts in
the moment itself can be very hard. One of the things Marcus Aurelius often did himself
that could help with practicing this was journalling. Not to record his day-to-day life,
but to examine his emotions and thoughts. When writing something down, you are forced
to give it space and think about it. To dwell on it. This is a practice that’s now
often recommended by therapists and sworn by in psychology magazines: journaling,
especially about emotions and feelings, turns out to be proven to be extremely
good for your mental well-being. But starting a new habit is more challenging than
it sounds. A good start would be to journal for ten to twenty minutes a day - for example, every
evening before bed. And don’t be discouraged if you accidentally miss a day, or can’t do it
every day of the week - the important part is doing it whenever you can, even if that’s not
as often as you would like. One of the ways to train yourself in writing about your feelings is
to answer certain prompt questions. For example: ‘What emotions did I feel today? Which occurrences
caused those? How did I act as a result? What thoughts accompanied those emotions? Do I
still agree with those thoughts? Could I turn them into something more positive?’ All of
those questions require no more than one-word or one-sentence answers - although you can get
deeper into it if you have the energy and time. For example, imagine someone who experiences a
certain emotion, such as frustration or anger, and who failed to challenge themselves in the
moment. As a result, they yelled at their partner, who didn’t deserve it. The thoughts that might
accompany such an action could be irrational, think of expressions like: ‘They deserved it!’
or more extremely, think of: ‘We should break up now’, or more self-deprecating, still equally
unhelpful ‘I’m a bad person’. By journalling at night to examine your day, you’ll have to register
what it is that, for example, made you yell, what caused your anger, what thoughts you
had. Then you can see if you still agree with those thoughts or if you would be better off
overwriting them with new convictions that are, for example, more empathetic, rational, or
helpful. Journalling gives you the power to change your thoughts and as a result,
your emotions, feelings, and behavior. Remember That Life Is Fleeting In our final quote from Marcus Aurelius for this
video, he says ‘Think of the life you have lived until now as over and, as a dead man, see what’s
left as a bonus and live it according to Nature. Love the hand that fate deals you and play it
as your own, for what could be more fitting?’ A very important piece of wisdom that helps
stoics stay in control of their emotions: they remember that life is fleeting. The quote we
just read for you is Aurelius’ own spin on: live every day like it’s your last - except, his is
even better. Because living every day like it is your last could encourage one to be careless about
their future, while this saying actually motivates you to care even more about it. Instead of ‘living
like you might die tomorrow’, ‘live like you died yesterday.’ Imagine what you’d make of your life
if it were to be completed now - do you feel accomplished? Do you feel like you’ve been the
person you’ve wanted to be? Probably not - we’ll never be entirely satisfied. But thinking about
life this way forces you to think about the big picture of life. What’s important enough to
focus on, and what would be a waste of time. If you had died yesterday, would the way you’ve
spent the last week still seem as important as it did when you were in the middle of
that week? Perhaps you spent the week worrying about a deadline at school or work,
or perhaps you had a fight with your sister, or you decided to stay in bed for a few days
due to a breakup. Would you still have done all that if you’d known it was the last week
of your life? Probably not - you would have worked towards who you wanted to become. Aurelius
tells us to always remember that life is fleeting and could be over suddenly - so that, when we
keep this in mind, we remember only to focus on what’s truly important to us. We shouldn’t spend
too much time and energy on temporary setbacks, such as deadlines, fights, or heartache.
At least, we shouldn’t let that get in the way of our enjoyment and productivity in life.
So, whenever you’re in the middle of an event that makes you feel bad, try to think - is this
actually important in the big picture of life? Imagine that you are indeed beside yourself
with stress from an unreasonable deadline, take a step back and ask yourself - Will this
still matter in a week? In a year? If not, relax! But perhaps you answered yes.
If you don’t make this deadline, you might get fired or fail your class. But how
likely is that scenario? And if it is likely, think about whether you will be able to finish the
task on time or not. If yes, make a plan. If not, consider reaching out to those in charge and
explaining your situation. And, just in case, plan for the worst: if you do fail your class, is
that really the end of the world? Most likely you get to do it again next year, or choose another
direction of study, or find a job instead of studying, and land on your own two feet again. The
benefits of taking a step back and considering the importance of what’s bothering you is enormous.
When taking a step back, you’ll realize that nothing is as devastating as it seems, and that
there are always more options than you think. To generalize this method: whenever you’re
feeling intense emotions due to a certain situation or circumstance, ‘step back’
and ask yourself the following questions: How much effect will this
have on the rest of my life? How could I continue to enjoy my
life even in the worst-case scenario? What other options have I not considered yet?
Is this worth worrying about in the grand scheme of things?
Looking at the big picture can calm you down. The more you learn to
consider all the effects and options of something that is happening, the more you’ll find
that situations don’t plague you with all kinds of intense emotions anymore and by keeping this
in mind, you can always be calm and level-headed. If you enjoyed this video, please check out
our full Philosophies for Life playlist and for more videos to help you find success and
happiness using beautiful philosophical wisdom, don’t forget to subscribe.
Thanks so much for watching.
