3 steps to heal your relationships and take accountability | Renee St Jacques | TEDxFiesole

foreign [Music] [Applause] you know how people say that psychologists go into psychology to deal with their own issues well I am one of those just as psychology gave me Clarity and a path towards healing I believe psychology can give us insights to help us heal our world today I think I have a pretty unique vantage point because for a living I listen to people's problems and I listen to their pain oftentimes their pain is caused by other people excusing their actions even when it hurts I've experienced it too but beneath pain is always unmet need and when I look at the world around us brimming with horrible division climate collapse racism inequity and Trauma there seems to be something fundamentally missing I believe it's ownership actually I think the world needs radical ownership a term I've come up with to capture my theory of our need to be accountable for our actions why do we need radical ownership I think the world is missing radical ownership in three ways or three A's awareness acknowledgment and action first awareness too often as humans we are unaware of the ways that our choices can cause a negative impact despite our benign intentions take little Min and Johnny men cries mommy mommy Johnny hit me and Johnny says well that was an accident I didn't mean to hit you sound familiar parents well Johnny thinks that because his intentions are good he didn't want to hurt men then his impact doesn't matter we've all experienced and done this second acknowledgment instead of validating our impact we defend our intentions instead which of course makes the whole thing worse and lastly action this all leads to Greater negative impact because we aren't willing to be accountable and take action to repair things it is radical to go against our natural inclinations a defensiveness avoidance and an action but I truly believe that we cannot look forward to build a more sustainable Equitable and harmonious future if we're not willing to look inward my passion for this topic started an early age when I in a way became a student of human behavior observing hurtful patterns at play Within my family I remember it so vividly my younger brother sister and I were out on our bikes in front of our home at the end of our street as every car came past us we would wave our arms frantically desperately hopeful that one of them would be our dad but as every car passed us to their families we stood there speechless Doug wasn't coming home early for dinner not yesterday and not today perhaps my dad had the good intentions of working late to provide but to this day I doubt he had the first a of radical ownership the awareness to know that we were waiting let alone how sad we felt harm is still there whether we want to see it or not intentions don't negate impact but here's what could have happened instead imagine for a moment the person who hurt you the most looking you in the eye and saying despite my intentions I really hurt you and that's on me that would have been a game changer we need radical ownership because we first need awareness and second let me illustrate how we need acknowledgment of that impact without defensiveness after years of not coming home for dinner my dad stopped coming home at all and eventually filed for divorce I saw my Mom struggle to come up with the money for her basic needs often paying for things in coins but my mom refused child support because she didn't want us kids watching mom and dad fight over money to make matters worse my mom was out of work we had to survive somehow and I remember at 13 years old I was the one that I had to pick up the phone and through tears beg my dad for the money but years later when I tried to talk to my mom about those times she said but I have sacrificed so much ouch too often as humans me included when we are confronted by the ways that we cause harm we either avoid or we defend we don't want to hear and see others we want to be heard and seen first we value right versus wrong arguments instead of setting those aside and saying tell me more I want to understand but I believe there's a better way this could be a two-way street where I validate the good intentions of my mother and she acknowledges without defensiveness the second a of radical ownership what that was like for me when someone comes to us and says they were affected by our actions we don't have to agree but we must acknowledge we need radical ownership because we first need awareness second acknowledgment without defensiveness and lastly that brings me to the final a ction when I walked down the aisle on my wedding day I walked alone despite my despite a lifetime of his absence I dreamed of the day that my dad would be there for me just this once shortly before the wedding I received an email Renee I won't be able to make it proceed without me that was crushing but I could finally see clearly I realize that my dad had never taken the action to repair the past so there was never any healing never any change but this is one of the most powerful things about radical ownership is that when we do take accountability and action we break cycles of hurt and we Forge New patterns of healing and change so while the hurt still remained I was determined not to repeat my father's patterns in my own family but despite all my preparation as a psychologist the truth is I was scared to become a mom I knew that just like my mom and dad I too would be imperfect I too would deeply love my kids and unintentionally hurt them I remember telling my kids at a young age if I ever hurt you please tell Mommy that hurt matters and I want to take ownership I remember my then five-year-old daughter coming to me and saying Mommy you really hurt me and I felt really sad today referring to earlier when I had lost my patience with her I was stunned she was inviting me to take ownership and I remember her then kissing me on the forehead and saying Mommy I forgive you and tears of gratitude streaming down my face when we take accountability and action we are empowered as imperfect human beings to leave legacies of healing and change instead of unintentional harm I care about healing and change so much I made I made the decade-long career transition to become a psychologist and now I leverage these learnings and my work building healthy teams and organizations one of the highlights of my career so far was the transformation I saw in one CEO when I first met her her team was a mess trust decreased while gossip increased at first I saw her make a lot of excuses well that isn't true because When leaders do this the consequences can be devastating it can leave teens feeling so disillusioned employees leave the organization but leadership requires ownership this leader knew that she had to look in the mirror and see what she didn't want to see she then issued a note to her team I can admit I have not been doing the best job in cultivating a culture of trust here then she started asking for feedback and making changes the result was that trust improved and individuals started to feel psychologically safe this kind of ownership is critical to building more impactful organizations where everyone feels they belong when we take a moment to zoom out these Concepts don't just apply to relational Dynamics but I see unlimited ways that this applies in a world desperate for radical ownership indeed behind every Global problem is a question of accountability with racial Justice who will take the first step in making reparations to move forward in healing or climate change what level of ownership is required of each of us for our ecosystem to be restored awareness acknowledgment and action today is an invitation to imagine a world where we are cycle Breakers breaking cycles of defensiveness avoidance and inaction and unintentional harm building a more sustainable Equitable harmonious future healing where we've hurt because we make accountability for the well-being and prosperity of everyone a singular unifying priority and it all starts with asking ourselves the question what would it look like for me to take radical ownership over my impact thank you [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 72,192

Keywords: Education, English, Psychology, TEDxTalks, [TEDxEID:49790]

Id: r2xe4vGnBsw

Length: 14min 28sec (868 seconds)

Published: Sun May 07 2023