what oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] you bad [ __ ] you thought it was going to be the regular Monday Church [ __ ] that [ __ ] we're throwing heat like the Corinthians are you [ __ ] kidding me or what Labor Day week we ain't [ __ ] around here Tom Sor is in house stop wiggling Le what's the problem what what's what's the problem is you gave me a brownie and I have about five minutes to get give me a brownie and I got yeah you're [ __ ] this is this is a way of [ __ ] life this brownie made me puke on Friday yeah G the whole [ __ ] thing he listen he couldn't sleep I can't sleep okay let's go get you a little [ __ ] edible so we went over and we got the uh so kind the brownie collection right let me tell you something this [ __ ] is what they give you like let's say you get shot eight times and you won't die they'll just give you this at the hospital it's over for you after you'll just bleed the [ __ ] out you say him you tell you're saying this now but everything you give me is 7 Mig come on dog this is six this is 6 Mill this is baby stuff it was 33 and the third like John George Harrison dad uh made him puke oh my God the whole thing he ate the whole thing like a [ __ ] animal I ate the whole thing I kept calling him we're going out leave we're going to [ __ ] see the town at first he's like okay hold me back I'll be here I call him back like 10 minutes later Lee what's up you ready to go cocksuck cuz I'm feeling [ __ ] up right so I know he's going down I call him back like in 10 minutes he's eating sushi like yeah he goes you know what I'm getting a little [ __ ] up all right [ __ ] I give him another 30 minutes I call him back he called me like eight times in one night and also he's like hello I'm [ __ ] up how much was in those thing I can't [ __ ] believe how [ __ ] up I am I'm like [ __ ] it get dressed we're going out [ __ ] and I hang up on him right and I'm like oh I know and I call him back and he's like and the phone rang like eight times and he picked it up and I'm like where are you he's like I just puked I'm so [ __ ] high I go don't blame it on the weed it's that wholesale [ __ ] Sushi you got from AR corner he goes to this Arabian place I don't yes you do you told me they got that a Dy with [ __ ] hummus on it or some [ __ ] wholesale he does he goes to wholesale [ __ ] eight rolls for $3 no two you're going to [ __ ] die that's like suicide it wasn't gas station Sushi it's good sushi but okay so I was watching a movie in my on my living room couch and I made it to the bedroom and I was laying with my head by the foot and I just flipped and even know like when you're going to puke like as soon as I flipped over I was like that's not going to happen but I I was able to get off my bed so I didn't puke on the bed but like right next to the on the floor and you can see all the little Sushi bits it was terrible oh my God you nasty [ __ ] I've never had to clean up puke high it was not fun I kept calling him back get up [ __ ] we're going down we got more Edibles I can't I can I already puked the [ __ ] Le is tough as [ __ ] nails Le my dog I told him got animal tranquilizes tonight this is the pre-surgery show [ __ ] I go in tomorrow Lee picks me up at what time 4:45 4:45 4:45 in the morning I get admitted at 5:15 they're cutting me open at 700 my wife's picking me up at 10 beautiful that's it that's and I'm home and then you're taking pills and then I'm taking pills I got she went food shopping today she turned everything around so the baby don't jump on my [ __ ] leg and that's it I go in tomorrow to hit me with an IV I talk to them they don't have to shave nothing are they uh are you getting knees scoped are you getting miniscus arthritis they're fixing this little tear on the side I don't know what it's called and I go home I'm home for four [ __ ] weeks I go to Bray on the 18th nice and I go to New York on the 25th or or something like that yeah what are you doing in New York got them nice tremendous the 11:45 show like a soldier just one one show a night one show and how many nights Friday or Saturday that's it that's it 11:45 that's the [ __ ] way to do it the way to do it I ain't got time to be d d what else Tom sigur you bad [ __ ] look at you man look at you where were you last week Philly you how how hot was it [ __ ] the basement yeah the club was [ __ ] literally a hot it's like a [ __ ] sauna the club is great it's an amazing Club it's an amazing Club the food is great the people that come from affiliate the shows are always awesome the guy is a great guy but he's Jewish he won't fix the air conditioner you know how Jews feel about fixing the air conditioner that's a big investment in case we got to burn the joint down you ever see a Jew after he burns the joint with a new air conditioner he goes [ __ ] AP [ __ ] he'd rather be tied up and somebody take his ATM card and rip up his 20s you understand me you were I was thinking of tying him up and Ari and taking their ATM card and every time a 20 comes out just rip it one at a time just to see him no stop how much does it upset you to fix uh air conditioning Lee uh if I had to pay for it it would piss me off but if I owned a club I'd pay I think I'd pay for it but listen a Jewish person let's say a Jewish person has to buy a new air conditioning for a building a Jewish landlord he will milk that [ __ ] in those days he will milk it if he could get eight months out of tomorrow they should be here they're sending it from Japan I don't know what happened let me call Hector have you heard from them they didn't come in the train got robbed if he could [ __ ] by the way we're speaking about Jewish here I got this [ __ ] Facebook today about Lee about the flag listen let me explain something to you people it's a [ __ ] is Israeli flag if you people get upset about an Israeli flag Lee is a harmless [ __ ] Jew he doesn't even have any malice in his heart Lee Lee would give people are upset about it yeah they like take the fo well some [ __ ] jerk off who has nothing to do with his life anybody knows Our intention are good there's an American flag there also nobody complains about that there's a picture of Charles Bronson there and there's a [ __ ] picture clinty you know what this spells in here balls so don't be upset it's just a [ __ ] Flag you going to be mad at me get the [ __ ] out of here not even shot Nei yeah what the [ __ ] is wrong with people people want to [ __ ] at something every it's a free [ __ ] service nobody bothers you nobody makes you do nothing you don't have to sign nothing you have to do [ __ ] dick and I can't believe how much people [ __ ] complain I got a complaint I got a complaint this weekend in an email a guy said that he saw my special and he was enjoying it until the part where I talk about disabled people and he was like because because he has Ms and he was like and then you made me feel badly about it and I was like yeah but you're choosing to feel badly like because other people with disabilities have come up to me and like said how they had a good time and they laughed at it because it's a joke you have to think about intent what's the intent and he was like no I'm not choosing to feel that way and I was like yes you are you're choosing to be upset and you want to you know you want to go off on somebody about it but that's your choice you're choosing to do that he'll probably go to the barber shop and talk about it yeah you know those are the kind of people that they get enthralled in it and you're like I don't understand this all you have to do is switch the channel yeah exactly that's it the [ __ ] thing is a fin to get in it's a $5 you waste $5 on that [ __ ] you eat a [ __ ] McDonald's just switch the [ __ ] Channel what do you give a [ __ ] you know what I'm saying people always got to get p and these Americans all of a sudden it's a it's a I got to tell you last night I was sitting there I answered the emails I was had the baby in the living room after dinner we don't put cartoons on you do not no because we wanted to uh wind down uh [ __ ] play you know write and play with her toys so I got a chance to scroll through the TV and and I got the chance to watch like seven minutes of the VMAs oh boy what has happened to society what has happened to music music is at an alltime low and they all sit together like Rihanna and the [ __ ] Kardashians and all these people sit together like they all love each other and they down inside they hate each other yeah then Beyonce you know everybody in the world is saying they're getting [ __ ] divorced this and all sudden they're on there and she comes out with the baby and I I told my wife I go I don't even want I don't believe we live in such a fantasy [ __ ] land I want to know the cameras that they're putting in as they go away from the camera you know that hallway you have to go into that's where I want the cameras to see her turn around and go [ __ ] you you black [ __ ] give my baby back you [ __ ] my sister you nasty [ __ ] mother [ __ ] that's what I wanted to see not that smile and the fake [ __ ] tear you know it's such a [ __ ] fake situation Miley cus I love that dirty [ __ ] I love it till last night the thing with the homeless little kid what she do with the homeless kid she sent some homeless little half a [ __ ] up there to say that you know Hollywood makes 8 billion and there's 1,030 [ __ ] kids on the street you know what I was in the [ __ ] Street cuz it was my choice and so are you you want to run away from your [ __ ] house cuz your dad won't let you go to the [ __ ] pre or whatever the [ __ ] you see him you see little he was half a [ __ ] like homo I don't even know and and she's in the back crying you know jumping up and [ __ ] down and people comparing it to Maron Brando no Maron Brando did something from his heart not because he was going to be on TMZ yeah it was 197 something it wasn't because he did it to impress people it's because Marlon brandle was really [ __ ] crazy he was really [ __ ] crazy did you hear why people are going crazy tonight about what Sarah Silverman brought like THC drops on the like the em carpet and everyone's saying it's so amazing I just I thought of you like she brought like the like the dropper of THC drops and and was given them to people no she took it out like at like an interview apparent I didn't see it cuz I was here but I just I just thought I just thought of Joey like like what my God look at her she's so cool with the reefa oh my God on ABC with a vapor pen or something that's what it was it was a Vaper pen well oh I didn't see it it's amazing that Miley Cyrus is terrible man that that the the uh they did that that profile on her where it was like a documentary and they were like you're making such bold decisions like you're so bold and like and then they they go what she do she was like yeah I mean the thing is like you just can't care about what somebody thinks and he's like okay and that's that's her Mantra and then they then the music has nothing to do with that it's just like it's just totally overproduced [ __ ] like it's there's no like actual musical Talent involved with what we're watching we're just watching not [ __ ] you know music is to the point where there's nobody really doing live music they're all putting tracks on and it's Society these young kids that pay for that [ __ ] yeah and they go and they feed that [ __ ] $300 for that [ __ ] blonde and in uh Vegas you know whatever her name is Brit not yeah Britney Spears that's 300 bucks go to Vegas go online see what the tickets off for Britney Spears in Las Vegas they ain't no 2250 I'll tell you that [ __ ] much all right she's she's got a residency there her tickets are three bills three [ __ ] bills and you know she's going to lips sync and you still continue to pay it so whose fault is that you know David Gro has like a big beef with music today I don't you know I read little excerpts he's mad at the the the music that they have on that show where people judge you you know whatever that not the view but the other [ __ ] one I don't know the one about singing the voice the voice I know he had a big then I read an article about three months ago and then Josh Wolf was saying he had a conversation with Dave Gro and Dave Gro was saying the same thing that M and you want me to tell you what's really missing from music drugs you think so heroin yeah it's got to make a comeback for these [ __ ] people be real they showed some ban last night these guys have never even [ __ ] drank club soda and that's why they're so uptight listen when guns and Ro stale and boring yeah oh boring you've heard this [ __ ] before music is [ __ ] horrible it is [ __ ] horrible I try to listen to like the the the [ __ ] and the rap is [ __ ] horrible and that Urban [ __ ] is [ __ ] horrible and I grew up on everything I grew up on country I grew up on Soul music I grew up on black music I grew up on [ __ ] Spanish music and I tell you it's that Spanish rap oh [ __ ] no wonder those Mexicans are shooting each other that is horrific that is what is that called Pitbull no oh what is he [ __ ] say where's his [ __ ] St it's [ __ ] terrible that [ __ ] and I'm Spanish I go to Miami bro and I want to shoot myself why the young the new breed the youngone the regone and all that [ __ ] come on we will be we were doing Quaaludes at a [ __ ] club [ __ ] standing there holding the wall what reged [ __ ] Tong oh please they do need heroin again they no guns and they need it they need it I'm saying they need it music again it's those guys would do imagine this when they were on they were on world tours at one point for like like 3 years in a row like they didn't [ __ ] stop touring the world for a few years Guns and Roses you remember like and like that Appetite for Destruction and the next album they would just T the world yes they would tore the world and then tore the world again and they were drinking like a handle of [ __ ] Jack every night each guy God each guy was [ __ ] just absolutely brought the Grammy Awards on ABC you should have seen them they [ __ ] they were [ __ ] up they were always [ __ ] up on heroin everything everything on National put it up on YouTube the Guns and Roses accepting an award in the [ __ ] 80s and 90s you'd sit there and go oh my God but it's at least they were real yeah yeah at least they were [ __ ] real the this last night the scene I seen with Beyonce and Jay-Z and I've always loved Beyonce everybody knows I love Beyonce I love Jay-Z too but you know somebody's got to [ __ ] somebody after a while there's too much money involved there there's too much money there's too many [ __ ] hoes and in the black world they're [ __ ] slippery those dirty hoes pay my bills all that [ __ ] you wrote that [ __ ] [ __ ] you know you wrote that [ __ ] [ __ ] you know what do you think there's got to be a hot 21y old black chick right now that wants that Jay-Z dick a little apartment in Harlem what close to a Popeyes what thousands of them like that what's up nothing did you find it I it was it ' 992 maybe yeah go ahead do you want to play it yeah look what they [ __ ] look like look how no that's music accepting a [ __ ] yeah they're they're walking up to accept the award with the music plan all right play it play play it we'd like to thank Andy Moran Warren Josh Richmond L Marciano Eddie Rosen people I can't remember right how many how many guys have sunglasses this has nothing to do with Mich yeah there's one guy in the background yeah I think it was like 91 cuz album came out in ' 88 87 I got sentence 88 88 and [ __ ] uh you got sentence in 88 yeah and that's how I remember that that whole when I got sentenced the hot video was Sweet Child of Mine oh that was a [ __ ] hot video okay that was the hot video already Welcome to the Jungle was already out it was Sweet Child of Mine and once I got locked up everybody every [ __ ] white guy in jail had had that [ __ ] Guns and Roses [ __ ] that was the [ __ ] man that album's [ __ ] amazing Appetite for Destruction I used to walk around to that I had the cassette too with a [ __ ] Walkman and [ __ ] Paradise City Paradise City do you think like Beyonce knows like they must know they're cheating cuz of course somebody [ __ ] the look she knows that he's a guy who's a [ __ ] rapper who's worth $500 million and he gets [ __ ] thrown at him literally from while he's asleep until the next day when he goes to sleep again and that he can't you know and he's on and he's [ __ ] you know touring all over the world too I think it's she knows that she knows that she can probably resist more than he can for sure cuz I mean I've been to like the comedy shows and and girls like that girl at the [ __ ] Steakhouse came up to you just to and like it's easy like when it's not that often like you guys are only on the road for like a little weekend but like I can't imagine like NBA players and like baseball players oh my God it's amazing girls run they know what hotels they stay at girls in those towns know what hotels they're staying at what teams what bars they go to and that's what they [ __ ] do [ __ ] that's the most [ __ ] crushing that goes on like baseball players basketball basketball basketball basketball for sure I think so yeah my God I think baseball would probably be next cuz it's so so long of a season a long ass season you travel and you go to those same towns for like multiple so you get your [ __ ] regular squeezes in you know what I mean they they're playing that division game a few times and baseball they're like you know they're not even [ __ ] tired after the game like I [ __ ] stood on third for a half of the afternoon and they go back now they want to work out basketball though those guys are all about [ __ ] crushing it dude and those chicks are trying half of them are trying to get pregnant like scary that's the whole [ __ ] game like they'll pick up condoms out of their or at least to get dirt on them to get some kind of money so and you get these [ __ ] and they're like you know they wait they'll [ __ ] bring room service to you these girls are like they're sneaky man in in those in the NBA World they'll [ __ ] they'll bring you the the the room service you ordered Jesus do you ever get it cuz I mean everyone knows that you guys are married and I'm I don't know if you talk about in your act or not but I mean it just they they put pictures of like Jay-Z next to Beyonce everyone knows he's married to Beyonce but they just don't care it's a different thing man they're Superstars they're not they're not it's not like they're you know I think it it it's he's a rapper like they know that rappers are not like you know like trying to be upstanding and and he's a [ __ ] rapper man he talks about being it up and tossing it out and it's like you know I'll give you that sweet that nasty that gushy like that like that's a [ __ ] rap lyric of his it's about beating it up I think it's different man when you're a musician and you're a world I mean he's world famous you can you can take him anywhere in the world it's different people are super attracted to fame you know if if he wasn't famous' be way different man and there's a lot of freaks out there there's a lot of women that want to [ __ ] there's a lot of women that want to [ __ ] a celebrity you know a Jay-Z type that's a huge get he's uh you know he's a a gazillionaire you know I mean they're going through whatever there's a lot of people out there with that [ __ ] they want to ruin a life you know chance you take you know so it's got to be some on his staff they got to do it the right way I mean where's Jay-Z going to go in New York that somebody's not going to know Jay-Z's nowhere okay so Jay-Z goes he probably has guys that their job is to like line up his [ __ ] for him you know what I mean like that's a pretty good job and go to your mother's house like Lea morning when I go to Boston yeah I'm going to give your mom a plane ticket out of town you're going to get the house fixed up yeah I'm I'm going to have a chick sent over there and [ __ ] her at your house I'm going to go over there with you you're going to go out the back door I give you $5,000 what do I give a [ __ ] I'm worth 10 billion [ __ ] dollars what do I give a [ __ ] and that's the only way but all that trickery has to get tired yeah that's exactly that's ex it has to get tired I couldn't do it I couldn't do it I couldn't just meet somebody and hide and take a car all that for I come in a minute you know all that for eating your ass you know and then having to go home and miss you and then you start getting the boyfriend now [ __ ] with my situation at my house because now you want that that always evolves yeah you know doesn't only a 21y old would fall for that a young man would fall for that you you know what it's about man it's about energy I wouldn't have the energy energy to to keep up with that [ __ ] and that's what I'm always amazed by when guys who do that who have like [ __ ] six girls I'm like that like just when they tell me about it I'm like that sounds [ __ ] exhausting you have [ __ ] five girlfriends and then you know two others that don't know about the I'm like that whole world is like your whole like they put so much energy into that I don't know how they get anything else done you know what I mean like that's their whole life yeah I always felt I I didn't have a lot of friends like that but I had like three or four of them and I always kind of felt bad for them because I always knew that one they were going to get nailed and this comes to an end yeah and two you're going to pay for your sins now you're going to get that on the other side yeah you know I was in a Jacuzzi uh had to be somewhere the Four Seasons I was a Joe or something like that and I went to a jacuzzi and there was a guy and then after I think I told you after a fourth conversation he told me that his wife was cheating on him for 20 years [ __ ] man 20 years they and here's the funny thing she worked for a doctor he's a doctor they all want on vacations together while they were on vacations they were cheat wow the guy was telling me all this and it's like they were married for and he goes I don't know what to do I'm old now I don't know whether I should keep her or and I thought I always thought about that conversation now what the [ __ ] I mean I mean what the 20 something years you cheating on your H that' be devastating to [ __ ] here man that'd be devastating that you just ruined the [ __ ] life that guy's going to die with that on his [ __ ] mind that this wife Che on for 20s something years that D is defin she's definitely GNA die in a house Blaze or something I mean and it's getting more accepted like you've heard of Tinder right have you heard of it Joey like the dating app where you just wipe if you think they're hot like they have things now and it's like people put on Twitter like oh I have a side chick and I like I I I keep my phone out all the time like when I'm at home I just have it out next to me and if Paula sees it she's going to look at like I would I like if I had to like constantly be worried about someone texting me that would consume you yeah yeah of course and it's I mean I can understand where like if someone's out on the road a lot they they have needs but it's just like why even get married then like all these people getting split like why even get married listen man we're all we're Sinners right that's the thing we're all weak it comes a point where they're weak you know today I got in the car and I got home and my wife was working because I told my wife I go I don't want to stay in tonight because I'm gonna be in the next three [ __ ] nights you know next two nights I'm not good at staying in the whole [ __ ] day I'm good at staying in the morning I'm writing jokes or I'm making phone calls but after a while I got to get the [ __ ] out of the house and I said you know let's go eat something I as well walk into the car you know Mercy weighs 20 something [ __ ] pounds I'm carrying them my wrist is hurting my knee hurts I'm putting her in her car seat and I'm thinking to myself what would I do to blow this right a line of coke eating some 20-year-old girls [ __ ] for five [ __ ] minutes and coming on neck and then she going to twit me for 18 [ __ ] days straight you know what's going to change this what could change that for some guys that's not enough that's not enough you know I knew early on I got cheated on when I was young I knew that wasn't for me that feeling I got from being cheated on I knew I never wanted to give that to somebody so I knew it wasn't for me then there was another flip to that coin if I have a friend listen you want to cheat on your girlfriend she deserves to be cheated on I don't [ __ ] know but once we're talking about wives if I have a friend that cheats on his wife I really can't hang out with that dude even when I was a criminal because I knew if he rolled on his wife he'd definitely roll on me if he had no dedication to whoever sucked his dick cuz my dedication to whoever sucks my dick you understand me I don't know about you I'm an ugly dude I don't get my dick sucked a lot but my point being that that that was how I thought that was how I thought from a street perspective that this guy's cheating on his best friend yeah this guy's definitely going to roll on me I'm keeping this [ __ ] light I Hawaii I know no business cuz I know it so that was the mentality I came from I'm not going to tell you I don't like my dick getting sucked you know you do a show you bump into a curtain some chick is sucking dick through a curtain your dick accidentally goes in her mouth like the peanut butter commercial your chocolate one in my peanut butter [ __ ] happens you know [ __ ] happens sometimes a woman wants to smoke a pole she's walking around on her knees I'm a short guy my Zipp is open you know I don't [ __ ] know but nobody's going to sit here and say that we haven't had thoughts or whatever right you know every man is weak it's it's the thing I don't want is making the call and hooking up with somebody oh man and having to go home and tell a lie then you have that on your back you know for months I was on that testosterone and I heard all these people telling me how this hot Asian chicks giving massages and sucking your dick for $150 I'll borrow $150 I don't give a [ __ ] and I wouldn't do it yeah I wouldn't do it as much as I would go by that place by they said it by diino by the ha they got a place there with Asian chicks those stick the tongue up your ass with a Saran WAP and disgusting I heard I heard that [ __ ] disgusting you heard the conversation Red Band oh yeah red band said he put like a baggie around his dick yeah and another guy was telling me at the ha that he goes there in the afternoon and for a buck and a quarter the chick let him [ __ ] eat her [ __ ] and I'm like why would you want to eat this chick snatch and he was telling me it was Asian it was different from whoa whoa whoa then get yourself a clean Asian you sucking you're eating [ __ ] massage par [ __ ] on lanasham you know what's going to [ __ ] happen to your teeth a dentist won't even be able to solve that fungi on the [ __ ] teeth that [ __ ] lanasham dick fungi on your [ __ ] teeth that you can't wash that off with toothbrush and coate coate ain't got a [ __ ] yeah is lisine that shit's there for good oh my now you're right though man you can't you can't roll with that dude like you can I know guys but you can't like hang with that guy you know if he's like the the [ __ ] the guy who's always like you know lying to his wife I know the building's about to fall on top of yeah we were talking about Su Knight before soon as I see Su Knight walk into a restaurant I get for the check in fact I might even dine and dash because I know the building's about to [ __ ] come down exactly ex building's about to come down I asked that [ __ ] where he was on 9/11 I got tell you that [ __ ] was standing out there with an umbrella you know what I'm saying that's the type of luck that fucker's got sug night's a [ __ ] you know he's just got the kiss a de on him you know those guys were involved in something when you're involved in something and all those and all that level it's like when I got in trouble with Kent V at the time I kidnapped Kent I wouldn't have thought I was going to get in trouble but now in hindsight there was too many moving pieces do you ever think about that if you did that crime today like the exact same crime in 2014 wouldn't it be way more severe your punishment yes like if you have if if you did the exact same thing right now I thought it would be more severe uh I think jail might not have been as easy the severity well at this age no at this age no you're going to go into a [ __ ] jungle into a medium remember anything over like four years they're going to put you into medium level medium level you got some heavy duties isn't there yeah you got some heavy duties that are on their way back people who were up on the high tiers who were going down in time they had 12 years they got six left they had no problems they're still the same human being but you think the sentence would be the same if you did that the be the same yeah today that's what I was thinking no it was a different time yeah there was different mitigating circumstances there was a lot of what ifs he did this this you know I left it open they couldn't figure it out yeah they couldn't figure me out that's if if if I wouldn't had the things I had going for me a job no prior convictions uh so no priors when this happen no I had arrests okay big difference I'm a man without convictions at the time I had been convicted of one misdemeanor which was a six month deferred sentage which meant if I didn't get arrested in those six months boom it fell off my record but it wasn't a violent crime right no it was a pot crime in New York in the January February I got convicted in March of 83 so after and it was New York which means six month probation is really after 90 days he told me don't don't ever call him again he so busy I went to see him and when I went to see him I go listen this ain't even we don't even have to shake hands like what are you talking about I I'm moving to Colorado with your permission on the 25th and he goes you're absolutely right he goes this what we're going to do just call me every month on the 10th he goes why are you wasting my time and your time you're leaving anyway correct yeah he didn't even ask you for my transfer so he could have stopped could he have stopped it if he wanted to ah he could have said you have to wait till the 6 months I want you to take a drug program at that time drug programs weren't intact yet see now they have drug programs so now if Lee gets leaves here tonight he gets caught with a grandma blow okay his attorney is going to go first thing tomorrow morning they're going to grab Lee a good Jew attorney is going to grab Lee after baale and throw him in a rehab first thing he's not even going to make [ __ ] uh uh his first uh whatever [ __ ] it he was dabbing that type that that's what a smart attorney would do that's what a smart attorney would do grab Lee first offense yeah no DUI throw him into a [ __ ] they might give him driving Under the Influence throw them into a rehab for 30 days come out then go in front of the judge and work the process that way there's got to be a program where firsttime offenders if they have no police record they think that they're never going to have a raate of re recidivism they'll give you like fouryear probation which is a death sentence also yeah because that means if you do anything in four years like Chris Brown you're in there again that's the problem when you get sentenced probation don't get that [ __ ] Grand so a lot of people go [ __ ] it I'll take the year in jail cuz I don't want to do four years of probation really a lot of people [ __ ] they don't want to live under a magnifying glass it's life is Tough Enough out there I got to walk around with a probation officer pissing the bottle you got to guy when I got out of prison I got put on Community Corrections that suck dick and after I [ __ ] up Le they would come to my house at 11:00 at night Mr Diaz we know you're there both your cars come on down please uh come down open the door I have a sheriff with me we're going inside to get a urine test 11:00 at night really and this is in is Boulder in Boulder wow this is in Boulder now when I got arrested for the kidnapping my first mistake was they the the to lawyer told me he goes Check in the rehab first thing tomorrow morning I was like [ __ ] that I ain't got a Coke problem didn't claim responsibility if I would have claimed responsibility right there and gone to the rehab for 30 days I would have came out into a different situation they couldn't uh questioned me they couldn't you follow me that's the other end of the coin they can't get they can't get to you now it gives us a little time to get our action these are the moves when you have the money and the finances yeah a lot of people when you're doing drugs you know a dollar to come out of your pocket there's a dollar that comes out of your nose you're not going to put money up to get help but a smart player goes to a rehab it's like my friend whatever he used to get in trouble when we were kids yeah he shot somebody or you he got caught burning a house one time fakes a heart attack M because that gives you three days that's an old Jew trick all right fake a heart attack you fake a heart attack you don't have to talk to nobody for three days you know what I'm saying they got to wait till you come back they can't go into they'll put a cop outside your door but your attorney can still go in there and chitchat where when the cops come in we need to talk to him he's not ready yet you got a heart attack get out of here you're going to stress him they don't want to stress your heart you can sue you follow me right right you was that movie with clood the enforcer no where clood walks right into a [ __ ] restaurant and the mafia is having a dinner and he walks right up on the gun he goes hey what I have in my hand is a subpoena tomorrow morning you're going to go to jail for the murder of Lisi at and for that girl you're here sitting with your daughter why don't you tell your family how you raped that girl and then dragged her and put her in the trunk of a car and killed her this is a subpoena I'll see you in court tomorrow night scumbag and he throws subpoena the guy grabs his heart has a heart attack the brother-in-law takes out a blank sheet of [ __ ] paper you know what I'm saying [ __ ] deadly it's one of those the enforcers one of those dirty Harries it's one of those dirty Harries so it's amazing the tricks you could [ __ ] play yeah the other that's the other thing the the smart move you know when celebrities [ __ ] up like when they make a big public [ __ ] up it's always straight to rehab no matter what straight to rehab if they say you know they say something like the recorded conver like Mel Gibson oh Jes you know then they're like he's got a problem he's going to go to rehab now it's just that tactic to like buy yourself but now people see through it like when celebs do it like when they say something crazy or racist then like I'm going to rehab then people now are like that's [ __ ] [ __ ] man that's such [ __ ] we know it's a move Lee we're going deep tonight it's over speaking of I can't do anym then all of us will this no no speaking of sys Tom just ran into Mike Tyson Mike I did yeah you you run into everybody you ran into what's his name the rapper a couple weeks ago too Big Daddy Kane where'd you run into him at dude this was crazy for Kane I talk about him in my special and uh I have a bit where I talk about seeing him and and yelling out to him and they put it on YouTube so I sent I tweeted him like hey man did you see this and he wrote back like I like it's hilarious somebody told me about it so I thought it was cool and that that was it you know he tweeted me back and then like two days later I'm home and I get a voicemail like I walk to the car and I see I got a voicemail and I check it and it's Big Daddy Kane and he's like what's up Tom uh I'm chilling over at uh your boy Russell's house Russell Peters so then Russell texted me he's like Kane's over here right now come over to my house and I was like get the [ __ ] out so I drove over there couldn't he could not be a cooler dude he told me that his engineer uh you know that he like in the studio saw the bit and told him about it and that a bunch of people have put but he couldn't have been and now tweet with him like all the time he's just uh he's a cool dude man what about Tyson where' you bump into that Savage on a flight on a flight from LA to Pittsburg and man people go nuts when they see Tyson people go nuts and he's great he's [ __ ] and he's gracious he's shook everybody's handbody everybody he's very [ __ ] and you know what what you see is that the amount of people you know like every like people that are Joey Diaz fans yeah there's there's a wide variety or or let's you know let's take another like another uh actor or artist or athlete there's like but there's that range of person that's like your fan with Tyson old white ladies uh [ __ ] teenage black kids uh 45-year-old white gu in other words everybody wants to say something to him it's not just who like you know a certain demographic it's the whole [ __ ] world boarding the plane stopped and said something they they held up the [ __ ] in line to board where the flight attendant was like you have to keep you have to keep moving and they're like I want to talk to Mike like I can't believe they didn't board him last well you know what what are you going to do like they can't really do anything so they yeah we're Russian you know how funny is that he got convicted of rape and went to prison there's something about people when they get convicted of raped they have a power over people and they walk over a room motherfucker's like that dude went to prison rap ja I got to shake his [ __ ] head I got to get his [ __ ] autograph I doubt they brought that up when they were saying hi they dude damn that [ __ ] these old white guys were kissing his ass yeah it's amazing CRA I've seen him at UFC I seen him when that whole thing came when he first went to a UFC how people going nuts people and I love him it's he's an interesting guy man he's a very interesting guy and it's amazing that he's prevailed it is it's amazing that he's had 22 lives he's had tremendous pain you know he lost a kid at his house I mean guys you have no idea he lost his father his family his train he was sexually abused that guy's always got a [ __ ] smile on his face and yeah they got him on medication or whatever you know when he's around too you don't know like sometimes you're looking at him going man this guy might snap if he snaps he got that look in his eye he's got that look in his eye you know and that's a and by the way he could still [ __ ] wreck somebody really he's in sh no he's he's not in good shape for him like he's he'd consider himself out of shape right now but he still has the power dude you see it I mean you can see first of all like when he moves it just moves his arm like he has an enormous enormous but you know he's got the walk like the the walk comes from it's like a power way of walking like he throws his hips the same way you get power in a punch you know it's from it's all from like the lower body and he's just he literally it he walks it looks like a [ __ ] pull you know it's like it's you know that he could absolutely if he want all he needs is Two Shots against you cuz you might put your hand up and catch the one and he going to hit you in the chest and the air is going to go out of your chest and he's going to come up with that [ __ ] left hook and that's it and that's it for you and you know that's the people that were Fighters that got used to it yeah guys like me and you we just go down it's go down you start bleeding internally oh Weir I was talking not I talked to him about fighting for a while he came to my show that's the other thing I met him on a plane then he came to the show it's yeah that's cool and he hung out in the green room and [ __ ] we just talked about fighting but I was talking to somebody about you know he was trained by Cato and then the other guy that was like in the ring with him all the time is Teddy Atlas who calls fights now on like ESPN he's great he's fantastic and they were saying that somebody asked him I guess on one of these shows like so was Tyson like like this uh uh just natural like Savant fighter like a prodigy like just he got in the ring and knew how to fight and they said that uh you know he was he was powerful as [ __ ] that is natural but he was getting hit a lot he was getting hit all the time and then they told they said that when we taught him how to slip punches and then when he learned that nobody wanted to fight him anymore like nobody wanted to spar with him anymore once he knew how to slip punch cuz he was getting hit a lot yeah but once he knew how to slip punches there were like it we had to like [ __ ] bust people in to fight him because everybody in around around there was like oh no I'm good man like that was do they have these on tape somewhere cuz I've never seen a Mike I know of them and I've seen Clips but like an entire Mike Tyson fight do they have like just reals I would love to see that somewhere oh yeah man you can Dude YouTube has okay hours YouTube has a guy that probably put together just his Knockouts to get you started oh yeah yeah just his Knockouts to get you started and that's you know I got addicted to Roberto Durant on YouTube for do you want to hear this okay so well first of all you know I meet him on the plane and he couldn't be nicer Duran no no no no Tyson Tyson and we anyways I talked to him for a while on the plane and I give him my number and he ends up texting me and then calling me and then coming to the show in Pittsburgh which is [ __ ] bananas bananas and then we're in the green room and we're talking about you know I'm just I I can't believe him [ __ ] he came to my show I'm just talking I'm just like asking him questions and then we talk about um workouts and I was like you know how his workouts if if you want to see something insane it's like him work just a a gym workout when he's like 18 19 20 21 they're the most they're bananas okay like jump rope with the bag and then the speed B like and then the sit-ups like this guy worked out it's just like you can't even wrap your head around it I told him I was watching uh also because different you know all those boxers have just tremendous [ __ ] they're amazing athletes Roy Jones Jr do it and uh and then Tyson goes uh nah man my gu Roberto Duran and I go what and he goes yeah that's my guy that's your school of thought Roberto Duran was a school of thought and it's you could see the people who you could see Kennison people you could see dice people you could see that I'm from the dice school of thought I'm also from the Rodney Dangerfield School of thought even though I love Bill Hicks or whatever he's from the Roberto Durant school I thought which is to go in there and [ __ ] kill you it's a different Savage and I know that the workouts like I read the Durant book and you know I knew a lot of people who knew Durant it was [ __ ] crazy and yeah he's got the reputation for no M but there's more behind that story yeah what do you think happened to boxing cuz like these Fighters took over the country like Ali Tyson all these people and now it's just nowhere it's just almost gone you know it's all Peaks and valleys you know and what was it in the comedy the comedy boom was the mid 80s yeah through the 80s and it started the death started in like early like 9192 is when you know everything go peace and valleys then it came back in 2000 for 10 years it was dead boxing it seems like it's been that a little longer it has been yeah than 10 years you know you know what you need man you need an awes like if Floyd Mayweather who was by the way huge draw still s sells huge tickets yeah but if he was a heavyweight we are just obsessed with the with bigger and better bigger is always what if he was as good as he is a heavyweight boxing would be even like way more popular yeah me we love a heavyweight I guess that's kind of the same in UFC everyone Everyone likes the John Dodson and like the small guys but everyone comes out for the like light heavy weight and up or middle weight and up I guess they want to see it man they want to see it do you see the ads that are out for like it's like knockout boxing it's like a tiny ring it's just circle and they just there's no space so like all they can do is just throw handmakers at each other it's on it's been on TV for pay-per-view it's crazy really it's just it's a small ring there's no cage there's no ropes so it's just you know the other thing um sorry to cut you off but about a guy like Tyson 2 is that he knew how popular he was and he knew that people wanted to see a show he was aware of that and a lot of guys who fight these days you'll see like a lot of things about boxers now is like I mean but you know a good boxer does you know learn learn your style learn what you're doing and adapt and try to try to attack your weaknesses but Tyson on top of having that skill was still aware that like not only is this Arena fool but millions and millions of people and I'm going to put like I'm going to go for it because I know people want to see The Knockout so even if he doesn't get it he would go for The Knockout because he knows that part of it is being a showman that's part of being a world class prize fighter is it's a show you know you you want to see you don't want to watch a guy dance for [ __ ] 10 rounds do you no I don't want to see a guy just [ __ ] slip and then [ __ ] run around the ring I want to see him go for the KN that's when everyone stands up I don't know about boxing but that's one of the criticisms I heard of Mayweather Jr is that his past few fights he wins but it's just he wins because he's a smarter box or it's not he's he's the most skilled in that class I think by far I think he's the most so he has the skills to do whatever he wants I think the older he gets the more he definitely wants to keep that zero in the loss column and even though he can he could go in there and just trade punches and probably end up doing some severe Dam maybe even knock people out or down at least I think as as he knows the career is winding down the the zero in the last column becomes more precious and you go like dude I don't I want to go down as no losses I think that's in his head you know it's funny how he he's fighting Canelo next again yes yes you're right yes it is and it's no Canelo no no just fought right right right I'm soorry he's fighting the guy he's rematching the guy the Argentinian uh uh uh Marquez no no uh who's he fighting L man I'm going to look for it yeah he's rematching that dude that took him to 14 rounds or 15 rounds that was a great fight the Argentinian yeah yeah yeah and then but it's funny how when I was growing up Mna Madonna yeah Madonna it was like you know you had Duran and Sugar Ray Leonard and Thomas Hearns and you know Marvin Haggler and was just this this whole Alexis aruo you had these personalities and yes Muhammad Ali was still there you know but you had it seems like it's not like that in boxing you have three or four guys that you're basically interested in that you know of and and you do that's how I feel that's I'm not that's how I am with boxing I know the the kishko Klitschko guys Brothers I know uh Pacquiao Pacquiao it sounds crazy but like well part of it is that we're speaking As Americans in America but we need Americans in the whatever is the biggest thing in div division for whatever sport to be the best for America to be into it involved yes if if Team USA got to the fin like juon for sure but if they even got to the finals of the World Cup you would see a crazy boost there's a boost that happened more people than ever in this country watched that like the World Cup became more interesting to them and soccer and and you saw the interest go up I saw more people than ever talking about it and watching those if that team were to to go on further you would see something crazy happen and the same thing happens with that the klitschkos are bad for American fans of boxing cuz they don't ultimately they don't give a [ __ ] we know who they are but no one cares yeah you know what I mean like we need Americans to [ __ ] dominate for us to be really excited about it that's true that's true and and I noticed it even at UFC matches like I've always said the the Christmas card the New Year's card after Christmas day that card has to be a little bit more American than most of the cards throughout the year a lot of people go to Vegas they they buy tickets just to go see the UFC and they know you know you want the chuck liell on that card you want the the uh you know Captain America on that card you want you want the Rich Franklin's on that card for which show spe for which one the Christmas show one after December 25th this year it's January 2nd but they usually have a December 29th show December 28th if you look at those throughout the year for those to really be good you have to uh stop touching the mic somebody keep touching the mic I heard bom move your cell phones away from the [ __ ] mics and [ __ ] uh and I noticed it that on those cars throughout the year they could have Brazilians headline that card but for that December 29th they always like like Ronda Rousey and Gina corano would do great on that card this year now it's Cormier against Jon Jones you know that's a well-known you follow me but they'll have Gina corano and uh whatever they want that on that so it's just amazing the different when you go go to the UFC's you hear people chanting and I forget sometimes you ass say I'm like why the [ __ ] are I CH oh he's fighting a Brazilian guy he's fighting a Chinese guy you see it too if you do the road one like I've gone to one in Australia and I've gone to one in Canada and whenever they obviously bring out the the fighter from that country the place goes nuts which to makes total total sense I don't mind if they go nuts it's when they start going us oh well that's different and now there poor little fighing Chinese guy in the UFC he's feeling bad he's in the ring by himself you feel bad about that I really do It embarrasses me like you're making he's our guest and you're making him [ __ ] feel bad it's bad let me see you fly 12 hours from your country without an octopus next year whatever the [ __ ] they eat and then you go to Vegas and you got to [ __ ] lose 10 lbs and you got to walk and then you got to fight some guy and while you're fighting people yelling USA and you're from little [ __ ] Hong Kong you know you're 5 foot6 you know what I'm saying you were train you were trained to be a butler and here you are people yelling [ __ ] USA USA so it bothers the [ __ ] out of me when I go to those things I'm like really I always get uncomfortable just at that chant honestly anywhere like that to for some reason you know maybe it's like it's like some weird like thing about if you're when you're from like the big like the the most powerful country in the world to hear people chant it at like bar I I get uncomfortable with it you know what I mean like I just do even obviously in this country when people are like I feel like it's almost obnoxious like to be Mak me feel bad I don't know why I just feel bad Le what if he's a little Jew kid he's in there boxing you little [ __ ] like Lee like Lee nice kid he just you know your buddy Bisping kicked ass this past weekend I didn't even get to see the whole thing but just I saw the end oh my God Kung Le you know we're talking about that we're rich ranking last week come at least 42 years old your body is one thing yeah you know uh you never really want to accept your age you always accept well I'm in great shape for 51 great great that doesn't mean I'm going to go fight somebody yeah you know when you're I think after a certain age I got to tell you something look at by looking at his face my thing comes right in his vision his his hand to coordination was completely [ __ ] off or bisbing takes took speed tablets and you can't see his [ __ ] hands look at his face nobody could punch you that many [ __ ] times unless you and and bro I'm telling you your reactions go after a certain age you think your hands here but it's really [ __ ] that down here you know he's 40 [ __ ] two years old I don't care how many trt shots you take unless you stick them right in your [ __ ] eyeballs you can see through walls it ain't going to [ __ ] help you you know what I'm saying so I mean do you feel your hand ey coordination changeed no but I know it did I know I still can't steal a basketball from you you know when I was [ __ ] 16 I could I could lift the ball from you if you were dribbling soon as left your hand I'm on you I got your shorts you're dead I can't do that now I can't do that I was telling uh did you guy yesterday and I he goes that's a great pass I do this uh this tackle pass mhm and he goes you have to you really getting good at that's all I got all I God I'm 51 I can't move my foot to drop the knee in your belly I can't do that I tried it and you flipped me right over all I got is the tackle pass that means I put your [ __ ] ankles together and I put this shoulder on your knees and I work you up like a spider and then I try to choke you go for your [ __ ] arm before I lay on you for 15 minutes and get my oxygen back you know I'm not going to lie to nobody here but that's what works for me at this age sure I'm 300 lb if I tackle past you and pin your knees down and put my shoulder into you I got you you you're trying to fight me sideways it ain't going to work I got your legs it's over I took your legs from me now I lay on top of you until you huff and puff then I start going for your [ __ ] arm whoever Huffs and puffs first the most there was a PO sweat under my head I kept looking at it I was laying on top of the guy but I was sideways and the sweat was hidden and I looked down and it was [ __ ] 3 in of moisture Jiu-Jitsu you sweat so [ __ ] much plus it was 90 [ __ ] degrees have you done it Lee no I haven't I I just started working out like two months ago Le's on the elliptical he's a purple belt in the elliptical again is that what you doing litical that's that's what I've been doing for now but then uh ready for another edible you're not looking high enough but uh there was a there was like a group on deal yeah for like 25 classes for no 15 classes for 25 bucks right down the street so and Joy's been telling me to do new stuff cuz it's going to get boring and it is a little bit I mean cardio has been working for me so far but I figure in 15 kettle bell classes I could like learn the basic technique and then do it on my own is that what you're doing yeah I mean that I I haven't taken a class yet but uh that's what you're going to do yeah I'm going to try to just I've never I I I I was on teams a little bit in high school but I was never good it was just I was just doing it so exercise played one I played freshman year of football and then I I wrestled yeah [ __ ] yeah but you playing football [ __ ] nothing I I never I didn't play when I was a little kid and I the first time I ever went was freshman year and I was terrible I think I I played like two plays the entire year but it was just I don't know it was would they put you on the line of course I mean I wasn't I was it wasn't this big and I I can't run but it was uh and I'm I was always terrible at sports where was this what city uh right outside of B like 45 minutes outside of Boston uh and the school was terrible at football but um did you get [ __ ] wrecked do you remember no I I I mean a couple times during um practice and then okay so one time during football practice I almost thought I was going to puke and I pretended I did so I could get out of the rest of practice cuz I just I it wasn't for me but when I first started working out a couple months ago the first time I lifted it a little bit past like the first day I did it I slept for 15 hours like the first time I went over like I tried pushing myself I had to sit in the gym locker room for like 10 minutes cuz I was sure I was going to puke really yeah oh yeah this is in what how old this is 2 weeks ago I'm 26 two weeks ago yeah like a month and a half ago yeah but uh no it's crazy how much I can do now and it's it's a lot of fun but it's just yeah it's awesome I was never good at it and I know my kids are going to be terrible at it but I I I think it's important to do Sports and I think even if you're going to be bad at it yeah of course cuzz like I that's I was always a bigger kid but you bad at that cuz you never gave it a chance no I was just I was bad at everything but you had to give it a chance I was horrible at [ __ ] basketball my sixth grade year I'm ass short you what do you want me to play we don't do anything horrible there you got to be good at something no you got to be good at lifting weights a strength team we got to put you you team was the one thing I was I was happy with is I never really got pinned in wrestling I was always able to kind of like sneak out I would I would lose a lot but I would sneak out the whole time but do you guys have like plays you remember I remember I was in like second grade and the highlight of my baseball career was one I hit a triple one game and then once at second base the got hit it right into my glove I didn't even have to move my hand I don't know I have I have like Vivid cuz I have so little Sports oh that's why highlights for sure I remember I remember that plays for the same reason I remember plays because our bank of them is so small tiny if well I mean I have it like uh basically a bank from like fourth grade through high school but then if you talk to somebody that played college or professional obviously like their bank of memories you know but like I I vividly remember like certain I remember getting my actually a guy like the first like not just uh big strong guy but Savvy you know what I mean by Savvy like this dude actually figured out most on the high school level you're not talking about like it's just like your pure ability it's like are you a really good athlete are you a mediocre athlete and then you're just using your a but some guys are like like tacticians and this really rare at that age I remember this guy just being able to like read what I did and then I remember one of his moves like was just to give you a head slap over your ear hole and he was a big yeah man those ring differently those [ __ ] hurt so much more than like somebody throwing a shoulder or arm into your chest like he gave me the head slap on the side and I was like what the [ __ ] and he knew what he was doing you know and like he knew like he led me into it even like he like walked me into it and then came around with his big long [ __ ] arm he was probably 66 you know like 65 66 and a big kid for a [ __ ] high school kid like 270 like he was a big guy and those guys like you don't you don't see that every like in not every high school team has that [ __ ] guy you know where he's not just like a big strong kid but he knows like the insides of like how to figure out what you're doing it's really rare yeah I was terrible really I was terrible in basketb I was terrible in baseball listen the worst things to be is bad in baseball when you're Cuban okay and I joined the North Bergan leagues I joined the stickball leagues in New York I was good in New York the problem I always had growing up and he I we never talk so it's great I had a big problem like I was great in practice Yeah but I was horrible in games so with baseball did you get nervous I don't know what it was with baseball I I remember my highlight of baseball was winning the ball at uh red berries baseball camp in Miami one Sumer I won the uh in League or of the week like I was the best uh camper yeah not the camper not the best on the team but for the week I was the best infielder okay I was a first baseman I got two balls and I threw a guy at second and I got three hits but then when I go to North beron I'd strike out and balls would go between my legs and then I tried uh basketball and I was [ __ ] horrible at that and then I got into football and football I showed little promise when it was uh 13 to 15 cuz I couldn't play in high school cuz I was always 143 you couldn't weigh more than 135 what so yeah in high school you had not high school midle grammar school yeah the Eagles and the Red Raiders so you had to be 125 and 135 for the Raiders I was always tall and L so I couldn't [ __ ] and my bones were heavy so I didn't you know Joey Diaz tall and lanky didn't you see the picture you saw the picture year no no no no he saw a real pict with my needle shoulders I used to with my freshman year and then I again freshman year I went out and I sucked in football but I tell you where I started to break out karate I would go to karate and I went to karate so much during the week that obviously you get good so I would go to those little fifth grade sixth grade tournaments Point sparring mhm and I would do good yeah not as good as I do in the [ __ ] class though in the class I had I always had great endurance and I always had flexibility so I was into these nice little Kung Fu kicks and [ __ ] but in tournaments guys would kick my legs and [ __ ] like that and it was a different game yeah I would have to fight guys that weren't good at kicking legs I would have to pick my bracket and you know I knew how to convince the [ __ ] you know so that's what made then basketball was where hard work came in I knew I was bad and I was so bad I wrote to every college coach that I admired I got a book and I wrote to Duke to Bill Foster I wrote to Dean Smith you wrote letters wrote him letters the guy from Syracuse Marty head he's been there for 30,000 not Marty I forget what his name is Jim Calhoun uh no that's Yukon beheim J beheim I wrote him a letter in 7778 and they all sent me packages on how to improve yeah that's something about there's some quality about a real Coach these coaches all had packages at that time because they're recruits then I would send I went to five I went first I went to Willis Reed basketball camp then I went to booze basketball camp and then I went to another B and I was really good by the time I got to the eighth grade people were like what the [ __ ] happened it was all summer long it was riding a bicycle with a basketball in the middle up and down Hills you know go home he dinner sit against the wall and he did work on my defense go back to the courts you know I read that Jerry West took 300 jump shots a day done 300 jump shots is how I started my morning I wouldn't even go play till I hit 300 jump shots and then I get on the bicycle and go to Union City West New York and he always was in front and it's just like comedy yeah I that was the first blueprint of my comedy career you know you want to get good you got to go to West New York you got to go in the morning you got to wait to get picked and once they pick you you better hoop cuz if you don't ho hoop they're never going to pick you again for another year oh we had that white [ __ ] he can't hoop I used to take a bus to Hoboken I used to [ __ ] go everywhere and then we started going into the city [ __ ] it freshman year three white boys let's go into the boogie down we go up there get a nickel bag smoke a [ __ ] number and play with the black dudes but you had to cover your ass for them to have you back if you didn't do well or you started trouble you couldn't come back so that's how I did it so you were playing ball in the city doing this [ __ ] like [ __ ] yeah all the way then once I went to freshman year the dream got [ __ ] up I smoked some reefer I did a little Crystal THC and I went to see the new barbarians with Mick Jagger uh with Ron Wood and the new barbarians and that was it that was it that's [ __ ] badass Joey running the courts and [ __ ] the Bronx do you guys remember the worst that you ever did did you guys play for money once I didn't play high school ball anymore I would play for money in the afternoons buying hash ways $10 $20 and I would and then I would always be like I'm hurt I'm not doing this no more so guys would always like the guys in the bar would have a couple drinks and we' get him for a grandma blow and [ __ ] and one day it was a situation the guy went to his car and got a chain Jes he said he said we what what do you call that when you set people up oh yeah yeah we a ringer or something yeah we were ringers we would set [ __ ] up but I remember one time being out of high school and and being a drug dealer and a criminal and going to a party in C caucus and me and some guys were at a party hanging out and these guys come up how you want to play yeah 50 a game I'm like and they're looking at me like let's tear these [ __ ] up it was a seven-point game they scored seven unanswered points and took our money we just got in the car and went home we couldn't even believe it these guys were Sensational where was it irish guys and SE these white dudes just took what the [ __ ] all right one nothing two nothing and here's the crazy thing guys we were 18 19 yeah these guys were men these guys are like 28 just took our [ __ ] 50 bucks we went home depressed as [ __ ] crazier when like I used to play a lot of basketball like basically up until high school and then I started again in college so like I didn't play that much in high school after freshman year and what's even crazier I feel like is like when I was like 22 and I probably got in the best shape I'd ever been playing basketball all the time and I played a game against two it was me and one and a guy who was all who was like 30 something against two sophomores in high school two 15-year-old kids and they were unfuckingbelievable like I was like oh [ __ ] like we are [ __ ] we're like old guys and I was 22 at the time and in good I mean I was like 190 I was running working out playing ball all the time pickup games all the time and those two kids were the kid that I covered was at least 4 in shorter than me and was jumping like a full foot higher than me like it was crazy to see somebody scary Kick Your Ass Like That who's 15 years old you know it's amazing how I blame a lot of things basketball broke my heart when I didn't really attain the goals I wanted in basketball it really [ __ ] with me for a long time really and I think that when I started comedy I used the same work ethic and I do what I had to do not to fail like I did with basketball like I I took basketball too seriously and when I Hur the first hurdle I said that's it I can't take the Heartbreak really you know I let it go and I and listen would I had been the NBA no what I had stopped doing drugs no but I would have had something I would have played those four years I would have had something my life I don't know I don't know I just uh a friend of mine called me last week and said that uh he hadn't felt this bad bad in 30 years he took his kid to college and this guy's successful you know he's a friend of mine he's got three kids he said it didn't bother him when he took his older daughter as much as this daughter because he realized what he didn't do with his life and I totally understood a couple weeks ago I went to the college somewhere and I'm like yeah I wish I had the chance to come back to [ __ ] in here as much as I know now like I always say Lee when you go to interviews for everything they don't talk to you about in college no nobody asked you about your college education to me cuz I didn't really get it the proper way I always felt [ __ ] guilty yeah like if I knew now like I I was telling my wife I was telling my wife about this how uh I got this call and we were talking and she goes you know I feel the same way when I was talking to my niece about her classes like you I would have done it different I took it dog when I went to college they would give it away to minorities and Boulder I was getting money from that [ __ ] Student Union on a [ __ ] on a whim just on a phone call you got my credit app right just give me another 2550 I decided to take a chemistry class and [ __ ] it was amazing and I feel bad that I didn't take advantage of all that I was a CE P student which meant that if I kept a 2.0 grade average they would allow me to [ __ ] stay in school and I kept that but they had free tutoring they had all these services that you had to pay for at the student services I got for free I didn't take advantage ofone of that [ __ ] I didn't belong to a fraternity which I knew I wouldn't but who knew maybe there's a criminal fraternity maybe there's a fraternity of [ __ ] gangsters of [ __ ] ex-felons or potential felons I don't [ __ ] know but I missed that whole experience you had it Bert had it you had it and uh not to have it you feel or I had it to a degree I had I tell you when I first walked on the University of Colorado I forgot about everything bad I had ever done in my life like it had absorbed me just by getting there just by taking the two [ __ ] classes the first time it changed my life it gave me more esteem at that time it helped big time yeah because when I quit High School my my freshman year my my freshman year my senior year in September cuz I had to get a job but I went back in December and I took all my courses and then June they came to me and they go you know your three credits short you can't graduate but you got to go to summer school uh I got to tell you something I'm not going to summer school and you [ __ ] are a bunch of [ __ ] because I played track I played basketball I played freshman football I go give me three credits for each one I go they've done it before they were like nah we don't think so okay you [ __ ] so I didn't really get my diploma when I got arrested no when I when I went to I I went to Colorado Mountain College I had I had gotten too many credits so they told me I had to take my credits to a different school so I went to the University of Boulder continuing ed once I took like another 30 credits there they were like you have too many credits of being continuing in you got to register into the [ __ ] College and I'm like I'm never going to get to the [ __ ] College they go well you have no choice you can't keep coming back here we're going to stop giving you money that was the magic word money is my motivator [ __ ] what do I need to do what you need to come with your high school transcript I went and got a high school diploma took my SATs I did all that [ __ ] at 23 or something I did all that [ __ ] you following me yeah that's crazy that's [ __ ] crazy and I got in and I bro when they gave me my first check the first time I looked at my schedule I had tears in my eyes like that was one of the happiest days in my life why because I had made my mother proud you know this is this the University of Colorado this ain't no [ __ ] uh Community College or [ __ ] Denver it was a big deal for you this was a big deal for me I didn't want to go there me I'd rather be a Duke Jack you know me I'd rather be a Kentucky [ __ ] Blue Devil or [ __ ] Boston College but Boulder I got in they accepted me and I walked around I took classes there and then I got in trouble once I got the felony I went back I shouldn't have said nothing I should have just dropped out but see I opened my mouth and I went to the guy I had my family go to the guy who got me in there and tell him the truth and he was goody two shoes he goes I don't know if we could have him back on the campus with the felonies especially for kidnapping and drugs I know the drugs are definitely out kidnapping they might let him out we got football players that have done worse you know that's what happened wow but I I regret not like having and I've told you we've had this conversation that I don't it breaks my heart that when you go for an interview now and even you you went to college yeah I a great degree and you're a [ __ ] comedian I know but like sometimes a guy like me would go look at [ __ ] a girl that [ __ ] Momo five years to become a ComEd I bet his [ __ ] father's happy he paid for that [ __ ] but it was an experience for you you it was an experience where did you go to school at I went to a tiny school called Lenor Ryan College in Hickory North North Carolina damn yeah small as [ __ ] you know why I went there it's the only school that let me in I had such a bad High School transcript like bad GPA I had decent SAT but bad GPA I I couldn't get in anywhere they let me in so I just it was the only place I applied got in but it was an experience cuz I have still have friends today from then which I I [ __ ] yeah think is great and um you know I used to complain a little bit about it about like how it was such a small school cuz my in my mind going to college was like movies like Animal House yeah yeah and I was like I I my expectations were like um you know a stadium for the football team uh an undergrad of like just 10 at least 10,000 if not 30,000 undergrad and I thought it would just be like what you see college would be like it was that like shrunk down to like you know less than 2,000 undergrad you know what I mean so like it's just a different experience and it wasn't the experience that I was expecting so I thought it was I treated College like a b it was basically like a business sort of thing Emerson College in Boston it's big for film and writing and it really helped me when I got out here but I didn't have any friends I don't have any friends from college cuz I went and I I should have went to Drexel in Philly it didn't have as great of a program but for what what did you go for film film video stuff like that you went for four years yeah well three I I did it in three cuz I hated it didn't a lot didn't it have some Comics gone Emerson probably oh Leno um and uh Henry Winkler and uh but I mean and it was great for that but like I thought I was I went to visit my friend at uh Dickinson and it's not even that big but has Dickson uhy no no no in right by Philly um and it has like the big brick buildings and the Rolling Hills and football games and this one was like all the hip kids you see and they're all talking about the French movie They saw and I just I hated it but I mean I'm glad I did it cuz now like my dad was in radio for all those years and and worked in restaurants but he he dropped out of college after like two weeks cuz he had a job and it just didn't make sense but you can't get any job now like anything you know what at all you know the other thing that I I don't always realize that college serves for though is like you go there and it helps you realize in a safer setting [ __ ] that you don't want to do as an adult and I think I kind of figured out by going to all these structured things that I didn't want to work in structure like work with like get up and go to work I guarantee you if they go to every [ __ ] senior before they graduate and go do you want to really going into the field you studi in college and you got this degree on I'd really be surprised what the percentages are it's got many kids are [ __ ] up yeah kids that didn't know what they were getting because I don't think kids prepared to make a delight decision 2018 and I tell you what really [ __ ] helped me more than College I tell you what really [ __ ] helped me and every day I think about I'm like wow with Car Sales yeah that helps you figure it out when I sold cars in college it really sped up everything I had everything I thought came in you know you go to Jiu-Jitsu they teach you a technique but when you got to do it to Lee you they don't tell you that Lee's going hide that arm Lee's not just going to leave the arm there it's like anything else go to karate class he's going to throw a punch the punch is going to land here you're going to hook the arm and you're going to hit him in the rib and he's no it's not going to happen that way he's going to wear a shirt and your hands going get caught so it was really weird that you heard all these things about business you spoke to people and once you discovered belly to belly sales it was the I mean that stayed with me forever I learned more from those criminals on how to treat people and how to carry myself in business little things when you buy a t-shirt for me I write you a letter I got that from selling cars when you came to see me the first thing when you w got home the next day you got a letter from me because I knew the other guy wasn't sending you a letter he was going to call you and tell you there was a sale that's great I'm going to send you a letter and thank you you know and and it just taught me little things follow-up calls Lee and I were talking about a sponsor earlier and we were talking about our plan of attack that plan I didn't get that from a book I didn't study Marketing in college I got there from selling cars the strategy there's a strategy to things you know and it was just really and I worked in a place in Boulder which was really decent you know if they were on Yelp today they'd have like a high [ __ ] Yelp because that was their thing they knew to get the good cars you had to have a good CSI a customer service index at that time so they specialized in that they weren't thieves they wouldn't throw your keys on the thing if you told them you were unhappy they take give you the keys right back you do that Douglas Toyota in nvada they'll [ __ ] stab you you'll have to talk to 18 people before you get your car back from a trade what car the Volkswagen I just gave it for apprais we don't know no Volkswagen they make you buy the car because they hide [ __ ] from you this place was legit and I learned so much from those white dudes they were [ __ ] uh Mormons really the one and he used to call me the Renegade he loved me he call me the Renegade cuz he goes you always go off against the people I don't like I love it I don't even have to do my job really if there is scumbag you sniff him out I used to love I love this Subaru place that was the first car I sold you could sniff out the scumbags quick I bet yeah until today I still drive a Subaru because of that job I am sold on Subaru because of that job because everybody who how many cars I sold and how many people's faces would come back and go hey man a week after you sold me a car remember that blizzard we got I was in the car my daughter and we spit off the road if I would have had my old car I would have been dead right now that Subaru you sold me [ __ ] had the extra so I felt good about what I sold I really did feel good I remember when I got arrested that I was at a Chrysler store and I went back that Chrysler store was eight drug dealers that would lie to you about [ __ ] everything I couldn't [ __ ] believe it they would lie to old people used to drive me [ __ ] crazy like I had even even when I was a crazy criminal I didn't see you know it was a Dodge store whole people buy [ __ ] Dodges and Chrysler Barons and [ __ ] like that Chrysler Baron what a piece of [ __ ] that [ __ ] car was we had one when I was growing up if you slam the car door everything would break the [ __ ] the tire on the other side would go flat you're like what the [ __ ] I slammed this door I didn't like that I didn't like lying to customers I didn't like hiding from customers I wanted to sell you something for you to come back the next thing and say Joe you [ __ ] up me [ __ ] happens every day let's go fix it instead of hiding from you you know the Subaru place they were they all wore sandals they ate granola they they were Buddhists but those guys were pulling down I was pulling down in college I was pulling down anywhere from Seven Grand I think about that a week or a month a mon month Seven Grand scho to 10 my my I was 24 years old and I was making s to 10 grand a month off the bat like the first day I [ __ ] started to that first month was like I got a check for 4,900 bucks I was like done plus I walked with like a thousand and get you know every time you sell a car so they took that out of the check and I flipped out but then I figured out how taxes were paid I always wondered so like let's say you bought a car for 10 grand how much did the salesman get okay in these days this day you got I forget what it was but in those days if you sold the Subaru mini deal was 100 but after the person left you got a kid a kit and you called the Subaru dealer and they'd send you a check from 250 to $700 you get that every Thursday so I wouldn't give a [ __ ] if you came to me and said Joey I got a car for 1660 I could do that I knew I was going to make 100 250 on the back end so that's 350 a car I can do the paper work in 15 [ __ ] minutes you follow me there's those type of there's so many type of deals and there's okay I have a used car we have 6,000 in it uh you come in and buy the car for 10 that means we made $4,000 profit I get 30% of that so what's 10% four so I get $1,200 to sell that [ __ ] car I sell 10 or 12 of those [ __ ] okay then if you sell seven cars you get a $500 bonus if if they if I would go into a a car lot and you'd say to me oh Joey by the way the Jeep the 89 Jeep with 10,000 miles anybody who sells that on a Saturday on a now look when I go to work on a Saturday I'm going to kill you I'm going to snook Coke I just don't want one gr I need an a I need my dick suck I need a couple Coco Loos at Red Robin I need to buy the bartender a shot I got a chance there I'm going for the short nickel if you tell me that if I could sell that table I get $500 even if I sell it at cost just to get it out of here if Tom saguru comes in he goes I want a picture of Charles Bronson even though I got a picture of Charles Bronson right there I'm going to sell him that [ __ ] table anybody who comes in high I'm looking for a truck let me show you this [ __ ] car I got but it's not a truck it's beautiful you give a [ __ ] what it is you you want a deal right I can sell you that for cost let's take a look at people go I came in here for a Subaru wagon you show me a saidan I don't give a [ __ ] it's my world I would sell you that [ __ ] sedan that's a Salesman that's that's that's what you know that's what you [ __ ] do I would I wouldn't pound her I just tell her that's the car for you and I make a drive it once they drive it I got you 50% really my job is to push the envelope make you drive if you don't drive the car you're not going to buy but if you drive it boom that's down number one number two once you fill out that credit app I got you but I never let you fill out the credit app I always took it from you and asked you questions because by asking you questions you're devouring me your [ __ ] information plus I offer you a water so it's a psychological game by offering you that water now you owe me something back once we take the ride I go is there terms we could do yes there are I go inside I get a credit app and I get a [ __ ] Four Square most most [ __ ] idiots would just give you the credit app and say you fill this up you're dead I fill it out so now you got to I get you involved and now I got you under a spell I'm just asking you questions what's your address what's your mother's maiden name so yeah but she's a Russian Jew you know whatever the [ __ ] you're going to tell me what's your shoe size I got you it's just a trance that's what my my the last car I bought the guy filled it out for me D aren't you like right now ready to [ __ ] fill one out for him who the [ __ ] you think you're dealing with here you want you want me to teach you how to do this I'm ready to buy then I I get that [ __ ] pen I get that pen right yeah I get that pen I go Lee what are we doing today okay why I like to buy the Subaru the Subaru cost $8,000 uh I need 10% deposit today that's 8 $1,00 what payments would you like a month around I was looking for two uh 50250 and what's the term what do you what do you got you got a car yeah I got a 62 [ __ ] learon that's worth $300 all right right so here you go the car is 18 I need 1,800 how much down do you have I have a th000 we'll take it you just committed to 1,000 I got you for a th000 right boom sign right there uh what do you want to make a payment a month 250 so if I get you a car for 250 a month you'll buy yeah boom sign right there you got a car deal boom I come back and I pound you all right by the way the 250 is for [ __ ] 19 years1 18,000 my boss said I looked at your credit app I need 3,000 down cuz that's profit I'm always they're always going for down payment okay that's profit that's their profit so don't do down payment a nickel nickel into debt get it done I got good credit what's the down payment for nickel him to debt give him 10% but nickel him to debt boom you know what do you want to pay him on two5 you boom boom 250 all this [ __ ] is I'm transing you and I'm confusing you this is a confusion right here so 3 thou 300 against my 18,000 well can't you give me a little more my mother-in-law is a Swami and she said my car is worth 1,200 I'll give you 15 who gives a [ __ ] I got I got I own the car for 148 so I got 3100 in it correct so I got 3100 in it you want 11 for your [ __ ] so so if I give you 11 for your car you got a deal I just made $2,000 on you Jesus so when you go plus the financing yeah so when I used to work in New York I used to get a piece of the financing so I'd work you for financing oh so you don't cash I get like a point of the financing if you finance $220,000 at 10% I get a half a [ __ ] point plus you need insurance I know know this guy will come down here sell you insurance at the end of the week that guy brings me an envelope for 300 for getting you an insurance with him cuz you need a binder you just moved here from Boston yeah you need a binder let me get you a binder for it's free so when you go in to buy a car now you're just like listen I know all the like or do you just like let it happen it's all the same it's all the same whether you're selling a car a boat a house a prostitution it's all the same you could be a Puerto Rican and go in there and go hi I'm going to S you my [ __ ] it's $100 and 125 around the world where you could go listen let me tell you something last guy that sucked my [ __ ] his tongue turned [ __ ] purple was so [ __ ] good all right my [ __ ] I shave it three times a day just in case the crop pops back up my Teddy's nobody's ever sucked them but for tonight for you cuz I like it cuz you're Jewish you're going to suck my but the package is 300 and you're going to go why did I pay 300 to this [ __ ] that just charged me 125 down the corner it's am amazing that's why I always sell people you run into a Salesman yeah you run into a [ __ ] salesman That's it man that's everybody learned something tonight let me give some shout outs you know how we drop n man we ain't got time to [ __ ] I don't want you people going out there and taking for your money you got to learn [ __ ] you got any problems email me what's a what's the email Beauty and the Beast whatever the [ __ ] it is on or just go to joy.net just go to Joey d.net and email me Tom S girl put the text away tell tell D Becky you call him back in an hour okay I want to give a shout out to Miguel papey Barrow Gus kasanova Tom G Cody too DC Smitty Tomah and my main man [ __ ] Bergie always showing up with an Armenian [ __ ] present for me you know what I'm saying talk to me Tom oh [ __ ] look it's Monday we had to do something to my mother I was play a little music for my mother on Monday something for the spirits that's nice that's good who wants to finish this brownie what are we doing you can't walk one am not doing that I like it so are you nervous about tomorrow Joey do I look [ __ ] nervous I don't know you see nerves here I gotta be honest with you when Tommy was talking before I got a little nervous what I just uh thought about it it just hit me that I was going to surgery in uh 6 to 7 hours you know and it's uh a little you know just a little yeah for a guy like me it just takes away your breath for a minute but I'll be fine no big deal you go to their professionals you know uh medicine's a lot different than what it was 30 [ __ ] years ago I mean they do this [ __ ] now you know this guy's the Raiders doctor I'm his last surgery for the year really for the year that's it and then he just goes be on call oh right so yeah on Sunday nights when you when you see them getting on like you see [ __ ] Johnny you see the guy getting Johnny what's his name Johnny Football getting carried off when he goes in the general president goes get the two Jews down to the assess situation listen we got [ __ ] three we got 3 million to you invest in this [ __ ] manuk yeah I got 3 million invest in this manuk and he's [ __ ] lifting off game number three get the [ __ ] two Jews down there and they come down you're like the two Jews come in they look at your arm it's broken call upstairs it's broken when can we do it uh Monday at 8: a.m. too late this guy I got 3 million of he's going to heal by next [ __ ] week and then they got to break the news to you all right the president so can I go back to Kentucky I want to go to my family doctor that's negative negative negative as a matter of fact you know why cuz we [ __ ] own you we own you you're in you're in the route right now they're prepping your [ __ ] bed right now but I want to hug the kit that ain't no kids we're the Jews when they send us it's all over it's like the next is the wolf and they just shoot you so you either come with us peacefully or they send [ __ ] uh you know and you go and they cut you that night they cut you Monday morning that's what he does Monday morning a knee a shoulder a neck that's it by Sunday night they already assess the situation they calling the hospital going we need the we need the juice we got nine [ __ ] we got nine [ __ ] Savages that all we over 300 lb coming in for knees necks arms elbows and you go from an elbow to a foot and by Tuesday everybody's all right and by [ __ ] Friday you're jumping up and down and by the next week they got you eating bananas and protein shakes and you're back out there dog they don't give a [ __ ] about your helmet they don't that's pro football so he doesn't have he was telling me he can't he's been working for him for 30 years he goes there's only one guy that's scarier than need than you la though he goes that guy used to cry he goes I saw him cry one time before a blood test C and he then he became the steroid guy because I'm telling you I can't [ __ ] do tomorrow you can't do needles no the only thing I'm dreading tomorrow is the intravenous the IV yeah they're going to stick it in my hand but I tell them early there's no [ __ ] I laugh every time I get blood drawn I laugh really hard why it's just an automatic uh response it's the only thing I'm serious like that I can think of in the world like in in life that has ever done that to me where as they put it in and start taking out I start getting super giddy like like it's like a weird way of of I think it's just my way of adapting to seeing the blood come out I totally I start I start laughing like a maniac yeah I look at it and I am a [ __ ] nightmare really but I'm good now like last week I went for the uh pre op like for me that was the toughest thing of this whole physical is the pre op so I went to the you want one of these no you keep looking at like something's there me and Le going to pop one oh man to experiment on the way home anyway I went to the preo they did the all this they touched your balls the back the x-rays the EKG then he goes you got to do a piss test and go get blood even though I trust these people I still get that little scared for a minute and then she comes and gets me right away I told she because you want to sit down [ __ ] no I'm going lay down I always put Santana on S the fo Fighters I always got to have them too the food Fighters yeah the one song Best of You got to have it on and she she comes in she dumps the bed down a little bit and they rub the the kids stuff and they get the kids needle oh I work them like I know all I tell them listen get the kids needle and get the Liquid Cocaine from the back not the [ __ ] you give with the Russians I want the good [ __ ] they come in they rub it she ties my arm I look the other way I breathe I prepare myself I just breathe it's that needle when it gets slipped in if the needle gets slipped in like a Savage I'm going down really yeah but if they just like there's times there's some women out there that you don't even feel it I feel it after a minute I feel a little lightheaded and then by the time I even I'm breathing I feel the strap come off that means you're done I feel her going like that with my arm and by that time I'm just the music and I'll take it off and I go you're a bad [ __ ] cuz I didn't feel dick yeah and I used to faint at night like when I thought I had the blood clot in my leg I went to the hospital I took blood and faint at night what now so it's been very good the last how about catheters have you ever had that in like for oh I just did a colonoscopy August 4th and it was nothing again I felt the needle a little bit it was just hot in there when I was hospitalized like years ago when I ODed yo that's right uh you wake up and everything's you don't remember them putting anything in so I had a catheter in but I didn't it was fine I didn't feel anything but a nurse tripped over the tube and I was like oh like I screamed I was like what the she and because she goes it's not supposed to go like that that was her apology I was like what and she was like yeah I stepped on it that's why it like yanked on you it was the [ __ ] most painful thing in her way of handling was just I'm not supposed to go that way I I think I do that I don't like any of that [ __ ] I deal with it because uh it's a part of life you can't you know knock how was colonoscopy the colonoscopy the milkshake of death you [ __ ] it's heavy duty but I prepared myself I ate fruit whole week you know I I ate high fiber stuff I tried to push out the existing stuff I sweat a lot I you know yeah you got to take care a lot of oatmeal you know a lot of apples so it when I drank the first potion it loosened me up the second one they say is the worst one it's like tasting the drink is [ __ ] horrendously bad but if you put limeade in it and mix it up what's that [ __ ] uh the the yeah the it's called the powder that they put in water MH liquid whatever lemonade whatever the [ __ ] it is it's not bad you drink it and you get down there the needle I felt it in my hand I told it I felt it I got hot it took me a while to get my temperature back and then they put you out and you wake up and they give you a [ __ ] fold of the go and when you're looking it just pictures of your [ __ ] they give you a camera they show you the camera from beginning to end they show you [ __ ] wrapped up the camera going into your [ __ ] and the tubes and everything in testing pretty interesting man it's uh Hey listen I'm 51 years old do I'm very lucky that uh I know people at my age already that I went to school with and stuff they're either not here or they've had long stays in hospitals which it's mindboggling you got to go every year to this stuff man get these tests done at your age I'm saying yeah yeah something you said still scares me and I saw it again today cuz right before I I started working out and stuff you said like you got to let your blood drain through your legs and ever since then I keep seeing really big guys with like the permanent bruises and like the like the skin eating away on their on their horrific thing I was I was there with my girlfriend at the grocery store this dude was walking around didn't even have pants on he had just gym shorts and was picking up bags of of L chips with his legs literally rotting away and I was like what is happening like you see it all the time where you want to go like why is it okay for you to show me that like where these these dudes have like it's their their leg is like a tree trunk where there's no and there's no like it's all the same size from [ __ ] his thigh to his ankle and there's like these crazy open Bloodlines open sores you know I work to get my ankle that skinny yeah but I do the same [ __ ] every night D you work I get on my ass pop my legs up yeah I split I do a v i could [ __ ] V on the wall now because I've been doing it I pick my legs up I creep I go to the side I I suck all this in I do the other side and that helps you go to the bathroom that's good for your digestive tract cleans your kidneys it's yoga [ __ ] but the the best move is your feet up because the blood goes down and now it gets processed instead of getting purple in your [ __ ] feet yeah you know if you don't do nothing if you put your feet up and watch [ __ ] daytime football all [ __ ] day and eat chips that blood ain't going nowhere how you go like vertical on them like I go vertical the whole thing those are all yoga how long you have to hold that for 10 minutes and then you just let it drop and breathe and the more uncomfortable you breathe through the pain and you breathe the pain away and you breathe and every day you get more and more flexible but you're getting that blood to go down and then you put your feet on and you do Bridges and all that [ __ ] to help I my main purpose of acupuncture is to open the chakras and to keep that blood going you know the way I read it was they smoke more in China they do here the reason why they stay alive is taichi and the acupuncture the cancer rate is lower in China because the [ __ ] the the the circulatory it's very important mhm that's the number one thing you know I have friends that they're [ __ ] uh their ankles and that's the first sign of anything that's it that's that's the first [ __ ] sign the ankle these people you see at the airport walking around for you want to grab them and go are you [ __ ] serious you I saw one with a tattoo I don't know what it is with people with fat [ __ ] legs that are purple putting that parrot on their leg that's going to throw you off that money you spent for the ink you could have spent that 24-Hour Fitness for a [ __ ] training you know so you got your fat friend saying it's a it's a cool parrot look at your [ __ ] vein wait till the parrot blows his head blows the [ __ ] up it's amazing it's [ __ ] amazing that's my main thing of going to acupuncture my insurance covers it so I got to go they don't they don't cover all the B visits you know what I'm saying but I work something out with it that's why for my circulation because you have to you know what my ankles were like when I was 418 when I did The Longest Yard you 418 I did The Longest Yard I was 4 [ __ ] 18 right there Jesus look at my stomach look at look at that laying down it was a foot away from me I got to go a little closer laying down it was a foot up in the air really I couldn't breathe right there that scene was killing me right there at that point at that point I already had to sleep out here but even the machine wasn't really helping me I was sleeping 6 hours a night a lot better than what I was doing but I read up and and that's the whole thing is that that sleep atne doesn't bring a lot of blood to all your parts so people have sleep apnea they say they have a higher thing of getting cancer I was like [ __ ] it I'm going to go to acupuncture and get everything clear get those chakras open get those blood veins going that's so important to me you don't know how many times I do that in the daytime I just hang my feet up on the wall you put your ass to the wall your ass has so you have to snigle on there and then flip over and put your feet up and just leave them there put the TV on and just leave them there it's a great [ __ ] move I'm not a yoga teacher I just I'm just a fat [ __ ] that's trying to learn how you doing Lisa what do you got going on we're we're going to do another show Wednesday night at an 8:00 show post [ __ ] surgery I'm still going up the you do then really post surgery [ __ ] not to I'm doing the surgery tomorrow animal tomorrow I'll sleep like a baby I got these things I a couple vodka my penis Le going bring some of these [ __ ] over to give me a little legday you do it Wednesday I'll get a good night's sleep I I got to take a Puerto Rican shower I to be disgusted long until I get the stitches out how long is that Thursday morning at 10 yeah that's it [ __ ] Thursday morning 10:15 the stitches go on the way home I go to TCA Lake sign up for the [ __ ] physical therapy from there I go to wam s do 5 minutes on the bike and it's on after that after that you're going to see like Rocky drinking [ __ ] eggs running on [ __ ] the street here like a Savage I don't want to hear no excuses what's up with you what's what's going on with you tell me something I'm doing my [ __ ] pods you know doing my shows so the wife she's great she's great man [ __ ] Savage she's a Savage she's hitting the road every year every all the time almost every week and then we're doing our podcast and you know just trying to make trying to [ __ ] put the pieces together yeah dude same thing you look good thanks buddy I'm going to Hong Kong going to do the that Comedy Festival so that should be fun Hong Kong Comedy Festival yeah who's doing it with you uh the show I'm on has Pete Lee and Chad Daniels so what about your wife she don't go to Hong Kong she's not going to Hong Kong no type of [ __ ] pimp you that's how you take your wife to Hong Kong no cuz the schedule's crazy we were going to do it and then the schedule came out and it's like once we're there we're on planes and it's a week so it'd be like Hong Kong a day Singapore which is a 4-Hour flight another day or two there fly back it's not like hey enjoy Hong Kong for a week it's playing another plane a ferry another you I mean it's like I don't think it's very chill or conducive to I want to go for like a holiday yeah yeah proper rest you going to Hong Kong when was the last time you went to Hong Kong I've never been to Hong be [ __ ] thankful [ __ ] suuck you know what I'm saying thanks for having me dude thank you for having me here your [ __ ] family I've been calling you for two years two years saying Tom sh get him on when we got his wife Le [ __ ] 48 Hours of I'm in like I I'm in I'm on the road right now too much I'm going to try to change I'm I am changing it like starting in nov in Denver this weekend I works right then the festival then September 18th I'm doing the Fort Lauder Deale one night only Christina and I together okay so lying down and coming right back no I'm going to stay there a week hang with the family then Orlando Improv and then I do a bunch of like one nights and stuff the rest of the year dog I'm on the same [ __ ] I'm rehabbing this leg this thing stopped September 18th Brea New York Denver yeah Portland San FR but the key with you you and you I always see this with you and that's what I'm trying to do more of is you like you have your your absolutes like you're not doing Sunday and and you're not going to like do you're going to take your break if you want it if you need it you know that's the important thing to do I think is you got to like plan it out plan out [ __ ] more you know what I mean so I'm not 28 right I want to give you the best show possible I want to give you the best that I could be if I'm tired or my leg hurts then it's hard to do or I'm thinking about something else I'm not going to give you the best show I can on a Saturday I'm not thinking about nothing else on a Friday I'm not thinking about else on a Thursday I'm not thinking about nothing else on a Sunday I'm thinking about my family yeah I'm thinking about how I should have dinner with my family that's what fames [ __ ] do on a I love going home on a Sunday no I got to sit here and do a show for 85 [ __ ] people because the club owner said last Sunday they were [ __ ] packed we had a bunch of reservations so I kept y over listen in July and August no more you're not going to do tickets no more Joe had a great weekend in Denver that's Joe in Denver the majority of comics right now anywhere with this cold weather people don't want to be put in the [ __ ] building now till September people in Buffalo Sy those people don't watch going to be slower for sure you know so there's a reason for that I don't I'm not out to waste nobody's [ __ ] time I want to give you the best possible show I could give you I will wake up early at 3:00 and get on a plane Lee knows this everybody knows this about me we bumped into airports before oh yeah but I want to be rested you know 10 years ago you come see me and you get a guy that hadn't slept in three [ __ ] nights yeah two from doing blow and one from from doing radio the first night you get there you live in LA you're in [ __ ] Miami the first night you're on a three-hour difference you know even if you don't do blow you're just sitting there till 5: and they're picking you up at 600 to do radio because you usually go to LA to sleep at two that's the crazy thing that people don't understand is how tired you are you're [ __ ] tired yeah I mean like all if you do the road week after week after week I I've only I've gone with Joey like two times and just we usually do the podcast Wednesday mornings until recently and then Joey takes the we I I I was with you at like 3:30 a.m. going to LAX and then the next day is radio and then with you you it's not like you have an easy night you I'm getting stoned as [ __ ] and up late and then you take the 7:00 a.m. flight back so it's I was exhausted after one week of doing it it's tough and you I remember going to Houston and doing Wednesday through Sunday and doing blow and doing three mornings of radio a lot you have no [ __ ] idea and you're blowing up you're eating sodium and you're just blowing up on the [ __ ] road you're drinking beer you you're smoking cigarettes you're smoking pot I mean it's just amazing and don't they give like in Vegas like a Monday to Sunday like isn't it like a full week it's a [ __ ] nightmare that is the worst it's it's a long [ __ ] week it's too long of a week for for for me at this age I cannot do it I can't give the people a decent show why would I want to do that bring me one Uncle Tom if you don't mind oh thank thank you brother I got it and that's why I opt to do that I want to do the podcast on Mondays and Wednesdays I want to go to Jiu-Jitsu Monday and Wednesday yeah I want that option you know I want to have a schedule I cannot be I I've lived in this town for 17 years the road is a great place for a comedian but I see where when you get you know because you don't know the agents are just calling you and going oh I got you this day guess what guess who called and here you are and you're doing six in a row six in a row you don't want to hear that joke ever again you don't want you you don't trust me what I'm telling you I did what seven what this year I I went on a run this year from March to April I did eight weeks or something seven weeks yeah I thought you got up to 10 at one point yeah just to really try and it was driving down LAX every week is [ __ ] a lot at on Wednesday doing two podcasts a week at 6:00 in the morning so I had to revamp I'm moving the podcast later now you know tomorrow I usually be leaving on a Thursday oh today's Monday I usually be leaving on Thursday morning so so that's how we do it just to give them the better show so I'm in better shape three weeks of the road he knows you know and especially what he's doing Wednesday through Sunday by Friday you're about to [ __ ] kill yourself [ __ ] thank God we have the death squad people that come to the shows and it makes it a little easier Saturday is a great day I'm excited [ __ ] Saturday Saturday I know it's all debt Squad I know I'm going to [ __ ] go out there and whatever I say we're going to take him on a journey and we're going to get paid and we're going to plan we're going to leave that Sunday when you wake up from that high even if you don't do blow when you wake up from Saturday night two shows to Sunday and you call the club at 4:00 you watch you slip till 10: NFL comes on you know it's horrific you watch both [ __ ] games then you call the club and go hey how we doing they're like we have 88 tickets left but you're going to do great walk up I'm [ __ ] tired it's time to good yeah then you put on CNN there's a a [ __ ] rainstorm coming your way and you leave you know no there's ways to do this yeah I take a hit by leaving at 7 o'clock in the morning Sunday but I'm in my bed by 11: and that's it's a straight Journey it's the most important thing if I I used said dilly dally let me take the 2:00 flight oh I know you learned what the [ __ ] you're going to do in a hotel room till 2:00 your day is gone you're going to land here at 6:00 4:05 good luck get the [ __ ] out of there get the who gives a [ __ ] you're at your house at 12 and I saved time I saved aggravation that's what it's all about when your comic is not being [ __ ] aggravated any thoughts times ago no man you're the best hit me with something Tom you got drop something on you got the Cuban beard got the Fidel look you know you show up with no [ __ ] sayings no sayings you ever have a question that really [ __ ] with you and it shouldn't [ __ ] with you like last night I was just I was watching sports center before bed and they went to Mike Trout and they said would you rather hit a home run or would you rather steal a home run like take it away from somebody and for some reason that got in my head like it it decides what kind of person you are like if you want to be a go-getter or if you just want to and it it [ __ ] with me for like hours like I I couldn't come up with an answer if I wanted to hit a home run or steal a home run and I wasn't high and I just I I don't know why it [ __ ] with me with me for so long and I have no idea how i' answer it do you have like a Prof you have like a student's notebook Wily who gives a [ __ ] if you hit a home run and catch a home run that's the point eat another [ __ ] chocolate that's I've been telling you this for years if you eat that chocolate questions like that people look at that [ __ ] and go you know what go [ __ ] yourself ESPN let's start off with hon it see you got to take some if you took Alpha brainley you wouldn't think about I would care about this question goes a [ __ ] well I want to home run I got to take you watch too much ESPN I've been telling you that since I met you more [ __ ] and less ESPN more eing [ __ ] andless ESPN more push-ups andless ESPN it's [ __ ] your mind up making your mind the mush talk to this [ __ ] guy hey man stop with I know you watch just as much and you were high last night where you not a a little bit at the end unbelievable this is why you got to go to High you big Sports Center guy yeah it just it replays and then there's NFL live and that's cool he'll watch sports in the 12 I know when I call what are you doing I'm I'm I'm looking at Steve Simone CD he's watching sports he sits there all day and he gives a [ __ ] like and he watches the clock and they talk and game shows and you believe everything Stefan whatever says about the MBA you're [ __ ] good up who together whatever his name is the black guy with the oh that guy's annoying as hell oh he's pissing everybody off anyway for maximization optimization all right on it they ain't [ __ ] around over there all right some people they got one a day and all these [ __ ] [ __ ] things that don't do dick for you hon improves who you are it improves it makes you be the best you could [ __ ] be if you're a kid and you want to go back to college you want to read you want to stay up all night you don't have to take meth like the rest of these [ __ ] jerk offs take some take some [ __ ] Alpha Brain take Alpha Brain will make you [ __ ] Focus I'm telling you two alpha brains you're up and [ __ ] hopping in fact my Alpha Brain cycle starts again on Monday after the surgery because I'm home for four weeks I gotta write a bunch of material so I'm G to focus you know what go to hit.com and look at everything they got they got something for you whether it's strong bone whether it's [ __ ] uh newood shroom Tech whether it's the [ __ ] enzymes the mango enzymes whether it's a thing that you go like that and you get your muscles they got kettle bells they got everything on it what's your code word go to on it what's the code word church church and get 10% off while you're there stay on it stay on it get it sent to your house on the first like a real human being you got to go to the store and order it just stay on it first time time you sign up for stay on you get 20% off that's how I roll here what do you put in the Box Church like a bad [ __ ] that you are CH H you are CH also a shout out to some of my [ __ ] best I love you [ __ ] Hulu Plus you can watch Hulu Plus any time anywhere $7.99 a month you're saying Joey how is that possible $7.99 a month you can watch on any streaming [ __ ] device that you want you understand me on a smart TV Roku Apple Xbox pretty much any if it streams you're [ __ ] watching Hulu Plus that's how we work listen if you watch a commercial for Hulu Plus they're going to give give you what Le they're going to give you two weeks that's it Uncle Joey we go a step further here on the church what's happening now if you put Joey in the Box Joe y you get two weeks for free and $7.99 a [ __ ] month so [ __ ] the $799 a month they ain't doing you no favors when you run with Uncle Joey you get two weeks for free Hulu plus.com they don't [ __ ] around you smart TV Ru Apple $7.99 a month I'm offering my listeners two weeks on the arms graus you know why cuz that's how we roll all right don't [ __ ] get carried away here I love you guys hul you know what shows they got let me show you what they got The Daily Show Family Guy I Want to Marry Harry Gang Related Grow Up Fisher America's Got Talent L Night with Seth Meers they got South par did you know about South Park they got Keeping Up with the Kardashians Everybody Hates Chris [ __ ] SpongeBob they got everything Yoo that's how we do it Hulu plus.com also it's like you're selling cars but it's what the [ __ ] Dollar Shave Club why are you standing online like a [ __ ] [ __ ] when you could just go to Dollar Shave Club for a dollar $6 or $9 a month $9 a month nine time n how much is that a year 108 a year and you got razor set right to your [ __ ] house you go there you stand online you got to smell some Arab it's arm pit smells like onions and [ __ ] lime and you got to stand there and pay 20 bucks for three [ __ ] razor no more I'm going to give you a year Raisor a dollar $6 and $9 a month and the what they pressing the Box you get me all I church church c h u c h and you get a dollar $6 or $9 Dollar Shave glub that's how they roll all right hold on you let you do that let me tell you something I love when I get a product that I can [ __ ] sell and push it to you people correctly I love hit.com I love these [ __ ] there cigar right now rocks they're cigarettes rock you looking to quit smoking they got zero 8 16 and 24 migr cigarettes for you to quit smoking on your own [ __ ] paste all right let's say you want to smoke a cigar you want to blow in some of these face you don't want to light and turn it off you buy one of these right now I'll blow that right in your [ __ ] face just like that go to hit.com you understand me go there right now the proof is in the E smooth 1,200 hits per [ __ ] cigar cigarette better tasting and they last longer if you go to h6.5cm what Joey's Church you get 20% off your first order that's how we roll 20% off your first order we ain't [ __ ] around down here at ev6 hit.com my man at Waba I love this [ __ ] making it happen down there so again hit.com Hulu plus.com Dollar Shave Club and hit.com support us all right don't [ __ ] around that's it it's a beautiful show it's a beautiful night it's 10:00 people I got to go it's 1:00 on the East Coast people sitting there like muts watching this go to bed that's why you almost got fired [ __ ] go to bed I love you guys stay black Thom you're in Denver at The Comedy Works th Wednesday through Sunday no no Thursday through Saturday Thursday through Saturday finally you know they ain't working them like a [ __ ] they got them in the cave like a South African piing they got in there like [ __ ] black people with [ __ ] Ebola picking diamonds till you die what the [ __ ] I love you to death where can where can they find I'm Going a bunch of places just they're all at Tom cigar.com Tom cigar support the podcast your mom's house your mom's house where they find the it Stitcher yes everywhere your mom's house podcast.com always a pleasure just see you you're one of my favorites in town that's why I wanted you live no [ __ ] around you want to finish this no you and the [ __ ] take this no what do you want to do to close it out buddy something from Black Sabbath volume 4 how the volumes Under the Sun let's see how that [ __ ] starts off no let's go Supernaut these people like Supernaut let's give them Supernaut s u p e r n a u t super nut volume four a tremendous [ __ ] album they did four albums two albums in four years for The Greatest Albums I didn't even know about this this kid Mauricio gave me a book at The Comedy Store Lee what are we doing what you doing you calling War Brothers yeah Le what are we [ __ ] doing I don't know oh and you have a special on Netflix I do yes you do yes completely normal on Netflix if you have it please watch it now that the show is over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your TV PC smartphone or tablet support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Hulu plus.com Joey or just go to joy.net and click on the Hulu Plus Banner don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com get highquality razor sent to your door every month for fraction of what you pay at retail now now go to dollarshaveclub.com slur or just go to joey.
