16 Surefire Signs A Hijackal Doesn't ACTUALLY Love You - Don't Miss These Red Flags!

hello and welcome to save your sanity i'm doctor we're british shaler and i'm so glad that you're here if you're returning because you found value before i'm so glad you're back and if you're new and you've just found me i'm so glad you did tonight we're going to be talking about something so important and i'm asked about it so frequently so we're going to be talking about how to finally believe a hijackal doesn't love you and i'm going to give you 16 clear ways that they show that they don't i know it's a tough subject you want to believe that you're loved you want to believe they have love to give you you really really hope that's the case you may have made yourself into a doormat or a pretzel or done whatever you needed to do an overcompensated over accommodated over compromised whatever you needed to do in order to endeavor to get some equity some equality reciprocity and mutuality into your relationship but it's not there for you if you happen to be with a hijackal now for those who are new a hijackal is a person who hijacks a relationship for their own purposes and then relentlessly scavenges that relationship for power status and control i do i trademarked the term hijackals so that we wouldn't be playing armchair psychologists we wouldn't be endeavoring to diagnose people but we would have a way to talk about the patterns traits cycles behaviors and know that these traits exist and that they do produce predictable results in the relationship so we want to talk about that if you know that you enjoy this podcast and you'd like to support it to make sure that everyone in the world can enjoy it and we're in 91 countries now so i'm very very happy to tell you that but you can support it with a dollar two dollars five dollars ten dollars one time or monthly by going to patreon.com save your sanity patreon.com save your sanity and you know you can always find me at for relationshiphelp.com o r relationship h e l p dot com and if you're sitting there saying i already know i need help you can go to my one time new client offer at be a client dot com be a client.com so let's talk about this big topic of how to finally allow yourself to believe to see that the hijackal doesn't have love to give you and if they did you know very well they would withhold it from you right because that's what they do so you have this big love-bombing experience and they're very passionate and they love bombing they convince you that you're everything they ever wanted and more that things are perfect they're in a big rush sweep you off your feet get you into a relationship live together marry get pregnant together whatever it is remember there are equal numbers of male and female hijackals so we're not talking about one gender or the other here and then that passion that was there in the beginning turns into their only passion they have is getting everything their own way now first off if you recognize that that's the truth then you readily see that if they are passionate about getting everything their own way they are not passionate about you having anything your way and that is not going to contribute to those three must-haves of a healthy relationship i just mentioned equality reciprocity and mutuality because they need to win and if they need to win that means you must lose and love is not found where there are winners and losers it just negates the whole thing so they don't really have love to give you they have uses for you to support them to help them get their way to validate them to allow them to feel larger and have more space all of those things are there and so they don't really have love to give you everything turns into a transaction have you noticed that very very transactional everything becomes a transaction that they are endeavoring to win a negotiation that they know they must win and if they don't negotiate they will demand and control and manipulate and deceive and lie straight up let alone a little elegant deception they will lie straight up and i've done episodes on pathological liars now not all pathological liars are narcissists but pathological lying is a big big hallmark of hijackals so we want to notice those things now i don't really want to blow any bubbles here or burst any bubbles rather but it's really important to allow yourself to just have the space for this episode to say okay let me just entertain the idea i'm going to give you 16 ways clear ways that a hijack call shows you they don't love you and i hope you'll give yourself the opening to listen to this and to recognize oh there's that and there's that and there's that and there's that and even though i really want to believe they love me i now can clearly see they don't and that's why i decided to do this topic tonight because you can go for years hoping that that person loves you wanting to believe what they did in the beginning was the real person you've heard me speak about that before no the real person is the nastiness you're facing right now that's the real person that pretend person that passionate person from way back there in the relationship that person was a facade that was a chameleon endeavoring to do the gotcha to get you into their lair and and and just capture you so that they could then slowly or in some cases very quickly take power over you so we don't like that so i just want to start putting your mind my particular and personal definition of emotional abuse it's when someone is controlling another person by criticizing embarrassing shaming blaming discounting dismissing depriving or denying their rights needs wants thoughts feelings and equality okay that is emotional abuse in a nutshell a very large nutshell i grant you but it is that emotional abuse occurs when one person is endeavoring to control another by criticizing embarrassing shaming blaming discounting dismissing depriving denying the rights of the other person their needs their wants their thoughts their feelings and the opportunity for equality in the relationship so very important to know so let's look at these 16 things because you may you may not even recognize them because you're so born down and torn down really so people who love you behave one way people who don't love you who want to have control over you behave in another so let's clarify all this so number one that number one must have in a healthy relationship is equality and what happens when you're in a relationship with a hijackal is they don't realize that in every relationship there are two me's and one we and sometimes one me has the attention sometimes the other me and sometimes the we has to have the attention and maybe neither person gets totally what they want but they co negotiate they collaborate they cooperate because it's in the best interest of the we and that demonstrates love but when you're with a hijackal they won't do that right it's all about their me and not about your me or the we and so it's very important as the number one way to clearly see that they really don't love you is that they will not understand that there are two me's and a we and all three of those entities get equal time equal attention equal amounts of what they need and want and that's what's in the best interest of the relationship and that you can negotiate those pieces easily by communication now the second thing is that they see your point of view as well as theirs if they love you because they're curious about you they're interested in what you're thinking and feeling and needing and wanting and they want to know so they can see how that we can get the best fit for both of us but you don't find that with a hijackal do olivia they're not interested in seeing your point of view as well as their own in fact they're bothered that you even have a point of view or a request or heaven you that you find fault or say something is not good about the way they're behaving so they do not have that ability to love you to see your point of view as well as their own and that causes all kinds of clashes when you're with a hijackal and i know because you're listening to this that you well know that but that is clearly not love if they're not interested in who you are as a person and how you see the world it's all about them.com not about you at all and sure they'll throw in a little love bombing every now and again to get their way but it's not going to be equitable and they're not going to be interested in your point of view unless it agrees with theirs because they have you in their life to validate them not for you to be validated okay here's another that mutuality thing they see if they love you what's in your best interest and want that for you they know what's in your best interest you've discussed it and they want you to have that and they're willing to work with you to make that happen you know and and maybe a simple example would help like maybe you're in a relationship with someone maybe even married to them and you find that one person really doesn't want children and the other really does so it's in the best interest of the person who wants children to be set free and go off and find a person who wants them and that is operating in the best interest but you won't find that in a hijackal relationship that loving caring about what's in your best interest so if you don't have it in your relationship and you know you're in a relationship with a hijackal then you have to realize that that's a hallmark of love and they're unwilling to give it to you so a clear way that they don't really love you here's another most days they show you that they love you they are affectionate they give you attention they give you time maybe they bring a gift a little card tucked in somewhere they they have words of appreciation like the love languages talk about they do things for you they may even do things for you without ever being requested to do so and love shows up like that does it work like that with a hijackal oh no no no no you have to fight for every moment and plead beg and then they do the silent treatment just to let you know that i could just turn off at any time i can withhold my time attention even my words that won't even make eye contact with you because i need to have power over you and i need to have you understand who has the power here and that's the kind of thing that happens so clearly that's not loving behavior clearly they are not offering love to you when they behave that way so another way they demonstrate that they respect you if they love you you know when i wrote kaizen for couples safe steps to save sustain and strength in your relationship i put in there the five relational gifts you have to have within yourself in order to give to another and what are they their honesty safety trust respect and reliability honesty safety trust respect and reliability and they're all there in the book now if you don't have those gifts to give and if you're not receiving those gifts of honesty safety trust respect and reliability there is no expression of love there so are hijackals honest are hijackals respectful do you feel safe around them do you trust them are they reliable well most people would say sometimes but not usually and that's where it falls apart they are not demonstrating love for you if they do not respect you are honest that you feel safe around them you can trust them and they are reliable okay we're painting a picture is it beginning to make sense to you that these are ways that love occurs and how they do not occur when you're in a relationship with a hijackal because i know you really want to believe that that person loves you because they said so and they may still say so but words don't matter unless actions back it up and we're talking about the actions tonight the actions that need to be there for you to accurately say this person loves me so let's look at another one there is that we've talked about equality and mutuality so let's talk about reciprocity they have your back they walk beside you you can count on them there is that reciprocity it's not a tit-for-tat it's not a scoreboard nobody's keeping score it's just i know i can count on you if i ask you to do something and you can do it you will do it i know that i would do the same for you we'll rearrange our schedules for each other we'll accommodate one another you know one time it's the movie you want to see next time it's the movie i want to see the very simplistic terms but you get the picture so there is that reciprocity and you can count on them you can relax now there's two of us not just one there's a sharing of making things happen there's a sharing of responsibility there's a sharing of we'll do it together you don't often find that in a hijackal relationship except in the love bombing phase because it's their way or the highway very uncomfortable and you are the one who is doing most of the accommodating you're doing most of the giving and they're doing most of the receiving and taking that inequity demonstrates a lack of love and yes when when you're with a hijackal you can get very good at justifying or rationalizing or making excuses for and then you get into the enabling model and you start fixing things for them and solving their problems and excusing their behaviors and worst of all remember i've told you my definition of enabling in last week's episode i think but what's most important in that definition of enabling is that you will take away the consequences for the poor choices of the other person there are no consequences for it so you enable them and once you realize that they are really not behaving in any ways that can be recognized as love you have to sit up and stop and say i'm enabling this i keep hearkening back to the the few moments or the beginning of the relationship when it was good and i'm using that to justify all of this poor behavior that i'm seeing way more of than i saw good and the longer you're with a hijackal the more of the poor behavior you see excuse me the more of that poor behavior you see and the less like love it looks so it's important to recognize that really important to recognize that so what's another way people who love you are willing to compromise they're willing to find a way that works for both of you hijackals aren't willing to find a way that works for both of you they want to control your produce demand that you do what works for them that's never going to be a happy scenario never ever ever and you're always going to feel marginalized and pushed against the wall and dismissed and discounted and that's not loving so there you go there's another clear sign they are not willing to compromise that's not loving now a loving person will go the extra mile for you and make an effort even if they're not good at it they'll do it because they want to they love you but a high jackal won't go the extra mile for you they'll tell you you can do it on your own they'll tell you to hire somebody they'll tell you you don't really need it but they will not go the extra mile for you and they won't even in most cases go the extra mile with you sadly that's the reality of a relationship with a hijackal and you may you may be counting like the five things that they've ever done wonderfully well and you've got 160 things that they do on a daily basis that are not wonderful or well and yet you keep saying oh but they did these five things and you get that into your head and your math is off you're just math poor in that moment that five things will make up for 160 on a daily basis five one-time things will make up for 160 poor ones on a daily basis not loving and they won't go the extra mile for you now in a healthy relationship you can trust each other you don't have to have this i'm going to go through your phone when you're a sleep business you don't have to be wondering all the time what the other person is up to because you have had many demonstrations that you can trust one another and you do trust one another and you feel good about that that's loving but when you're in a relationship with a hijackal [Music] no we don't have trust that's not what's going on and you begin to recognize that they don't trust you and you make all kinds of noises as to why they should and even if you have never done anything wrong in your entire relationship they still don't trust you and that's projection that's because they don't trust themselves and they're not trustworthy so they turn it on you i did a whole episode on blame shifting if that's something you need to know more about go and find that episode you know all the episodes are on my website so if you've listening to this podcast from somewhere you'd like to get podcasts but you'd like to find all the other episodes and read about them you can go to for relationshiphelp.com and just click on the podcast tab and it's all there for you but it's really important to understand this this level of trust and how they turn things around on you and that's called blame shifting they do that a lot so in a loving relationship you trust each other and if you have any questions about trustee you could talk about it and you can talk things out and they're quite willing to do but in a hijackal relationship they don't have that to offer they're unwilling to offer that they're suspicious of everything and everyone and they need to always be right so that is a very unloving behavior very unloving behavior so if that's happening you can know that there isn't love in the relationship you're thinking of now if you're thinking of a parent rather than a partner the same things happen you know i've said many times that i had two hijackal parents and they they treat you the same way they don't trust you they don't see your point of view they're not interested in you they don't respect you they they don't show you any affection they don't spend time with you they're only interested in how you validate them make them look good rest of the time they just want you to agree with them the same things happen so i'm not just talking about hijackal partners many of these things also apply to hijackal parents and maybe you have a hijackal sibling or you have a adult child who turned into a hijackal you need to know you need to know what to expect because these are not loving relationships as i said at the top of the episode hijackals don't have much love to give you they have lots of uses for you so the whole time that we're talking tonight i am endeavoring to show you what a loving relationship is and therefore what a hijackal relationship isn't very important so one of the other features is this whole business of surveillance and surveillance yes it goes to cameras and goes to gps trackers put on the bottom of your car and and they've got trackers on your phone and all that kind of thing but the surveillance i'm i'm thinking of more is that need to know where you are at all times what are you doing and with whom and when will you be finished and when you will come back to serve my purposes that kind of surveillance have you noticed that that it is constant they'll blow up your phone where are you when are you coming home it takes you 11 minutes to get home from work and it's 13 minutes since you left work where are you i know you're up to no good now constant surveillance they want to see your phone they want proof they want to talk to people they want you to stay home they want to isolate you keep you away from people oh crazy making stuff loving people don't do that this is the dysfunction of the hijackal if they loved you they would be happy that you're having a lovely time with your friends or your mother or out with your children but instead because it's not about them they are going crazy with where are you what are you doing why are you not serving my purposes at this moment and how can i make you wrong that's the kind of surveillance i'm talking about right now and how many times do i have clients and i have clients from all over the world and you know you can be one too by going to be a client.com but how many times do i hear this you know they called 48 times in an hour they just call and call and call and call they just refresh and refresh and if i don't answer when i get home there is trouble this kind of surveillance is not loving in the beginning it may feel like oh the person just wants to know where i am oh isn't that sweet they can't live without me no this is the beginning of surveillance be very very aware of that that that is not love that is control and see it so very very clearly now here's a big one in loving relationships you can talk about anything you can bring up joys you can bring up successes you can bring up sorrows you can bring up problems issues concerns and the other person is interested and willing to talk to you they're willing to engage in that conversation that goes back and forth like a really good ping pong game and they're interested and you're interested and there's problem solving ability and good things are happening it's all so good but in a hijackal relationship oh no no no the first time that you hit the ping-pong ball they they take the ball in their hand and leave the court you know they are not going to play they are going to have the ball and they are not going to be communicating with you in an equal mutual or reciprocal way willingness to communicate and learn more and more about each other be more and more curious about each other deepens the emotional intimacy hijackals have no interest in emotional intimacy and that does not lead to love it's a big one so just a few more four more okay what else goes on in a loving relationship boundaries are expressed and respected but in a relationship with a hijackal how dare you set a boundary how dare you what are you trying to do control me and you get that projection again they do not like boundaries you must set them though but here's the little trick when you're with a hijackal you quietly neutrally speak about your boundary and you just repeat it you're doing it for yourself the hijackal is not going to pay much attention but you're doing it for yourself to speak up and not retreat and that's very important and i've done episodes on that as well so third to last in a loving relationship there is acceptance that we're different from one another and we respect those differences and we're curious about them and we lean in and we're interested in the differences but we don't have to agree we don't have to debate in any kind of disrespectful way we can agree to disagree it's okay it's not seen as a personal attack it's not seen as a walk-away point it is just we're different than one another but in a hijackal relationship no it has to be their way so different from them how dare you you will soon be called the scum of the earth if not something worse you may have experienced that already that is not loving name-calling is not loving but this kind of lack of acceptance of who you are at a deep level definitely not loving all right second to last loving means they have no need to control you they want to see you blossom they want to see you you expand and be enriched and have the best life you possibly can that's loving they're supportive of that they want that for you they want you to have what it is you want to have they want you to achieve what you most want to achieve they want you to soar and they're willing to walk with you not a hijackal they want to pat you down slap you down squish you turn you into a pancake so they can ignore you now i know that's extreme but you get the drift they are not there to lift you up they're there to put you down and that is not loving and the last one because there's so many and i could do more loving people don't try to manipulate and control you they have no need to do that they're interested in you they like who you are they want for you what you want for yourself as i said earlier they're excited when you succeed they're picky up and walk beside you when things aren't going well but they don't try to manipulate you but hijackals will try anything to get their own way and that is not loving so i told you that we were going to talk about this very important topic today and we have and i hope that you now if you've been reluctant to believe it before i hope that you now believe that a hijackal is not showing you loving behaviors and therefore you can conclude that they don't have love to give you but you may have become very aware now of the distinctions which i hope you have and also that you recognize that you want to be in an equal loving reciprocal mutual delightful communicative respectful honest safe and trusting relationship and that you won't settle for less and if you need my help to help you come to clarity around that and what you would need to do in order to think your way through that i'm here to help you i'm just writing a new book it's called emerging empowered and that's what i want to help you to do break the bonds of emotional abuse and succeed at moving into an empowered state at all times i'm so happy you were here tonight i'm dr roberta schaeler and until we talk again take very good care of yourself because you really matter talk soon hello everybody hi maria oh we have new people ernesto i got your message after i went off the air last night glad that you're back hey meno hi you're new i haven't seen you make a comment before stella hello stella says i love this podcast that was the hardest pill to swallow in my healing the two faces he showed me nice then mean abandon me during a health crisis there you have it don't you i'm so sorry that happened to you stella but what a stellar example of a hijackal that when you most need them they're unavailable and they may even be more than unavailable they can be mean about it how dare you be ill when i have needs i'm sorry that that happened to you and then you said love shouldn't hurt or put us in therapy yes high five absolutely love won't hurt in that way in those destructive ways i mean certainly losing love hurts but love itself expressed won't hurt or put you in therapy but a hijackal will oh lara thank you yes sometimes i i have a cough but thank you for asking me if i'm okay i am um maria says love is conditional for them oh yes in fact it's almost it doesn't even have conditions except one give me what i want do it my way and i'll i will perhaps not be angry with you you won't get anything but i won't be angry with you that's even worse isn't it than conditional stella said i was better than the fbi when i was in that situation i was checking to see if he was flirting i'm happy i don't have to do this anymore yes i bet you are it takes so much energy so much energy to having to be wondering to be getting your exercise by walking on those horrible proverbial eggshells to be looking over your shoulder all the time so hard so hard on the body so hard on the mind and so hard on the heart so very very difficult and remember everybody whether it pertains to tonight's topic or not you can ask a question in the comments and remember there's 20 second delay from when you press center when i see it so be sure to get those out there if you want us to talk about them oh maria said wow i went through surveillance all my life with my mom not love but control i've experienced all you are explaining i'm sorry that you have maria but i certainly relate i have too and this surveillance business they don't want to take care of you they'll happy to emotionally neglect you but they want their finger on your back at every moment and it's a terrible thing and then because we didn't know any differently we'd never been in a family we'd never been in the world before we thought that the way that they were showing us who we were was accurate because we're taking their word for it we have to they're our parents and we need them to survive and yet they give us a very warped sense of the world and a warp sense of ourselves and then as most people who had hijacked a parents you are going to be likely to find somebody in your life as a romantic partner who will behave just the same way and that's a lot of understanding there really a lot to figure out ah yeah feeling of oppression maria says yes and it can turn into feelings of depression too and then you think there's something wrong with you when actually there's something wrong with the other person and they're creating the relationship so it's very important to you know sometimes people will book an appointment with me just to find out if they're if they're going off the edge because the hijackal has made them feel as though they're the ones who have the problem and it's very important to get that clarity that when you can see these things that hijackals are doing know it's about them not about you and make that separation in your emotional thinking like what they're doing they're saying is about me but it isn't it's about them and when you can start to make that separation you can start just to give yourself some space that all these negatives are about them but they're putting them on you maria says wonderful wisdom so validating i'm glad you find it that way maria and i'm glad you love the podcast kathy says thank you so much got out after five years yay you're helping me resist all the love bombing campaign by the hijackal yes kathy resist resist we're all chanting that for you resist resist resist the love bombing um work together can't be friendly just to be professional oh so much difficulty when you have to be around them but yes resist it sounds like you've got that nailed all right maria says yes it's all a reflection on them it truly is and when you can see that when you can clearly see that that person is talking about themselves when they talk about you you know there are many iterations of a saying that you find on facebook that you know when when a hijackal is blaming you for something you could take it as a confession and there really is some truth in that because whatever they're blaming you for is what they're afraid they're doing or afraid they're going to get caught doing and that is probably 90 of what's going on when they when they get all wordy they have so much to say and they're so difficult okay so i see we're at the end of the comments here so remember if you have something you want to ask me i'm open for that and oh you're welcome kathy she said she needed that cheer so she heard us all going you know resist resist resist so have us in your mind when you are at work for sure um but as i was saying put something if you have a question on any topic that has to do with toxic relationships pop it in the chat now or any comment that you have because if i don't see anything in the next 30 seconds that will be it for tonight but i hope you really found some value in these 16 ways that you can clearly see that they don't love you because i know it's really hard to come to that moment when you say i guess he or she never really loved me i know it's hard because we're so invested as healthier people were so invested we believed them because why wouldn't we and so we hold on to that and it's really difficult it is nothing you did wrong you didn't know at the time you couldn't recognize the hijackals you didn't know about hijackals you were trusting you were loving you went into it planning to have it work and to be part of making it work you didn't know the other person was going to turn into a hijackal you didn't know that their plan was to control so don't blame yourself if you got into one of those relationships when you do understand and you can see all the red flags and you get all that together then you can do differently and that's what i'm here to do is to help you see all the red flags and to know what to do differently and how to move into that space maria says thank you very much they are not able to love because they cannot love themselves that's true that's true they cannot love themselves they don't even believe they are lovable but that's not your problem you didn't break them you can't fix them and by the time they get to you by the time they're adults they are not interested in anything being needing to be fixed because they believe they're perfect and they behave as though they believe they're perfect when deep down they are very qui much questioning that but that's not your issue your issue is to keep yourself safe and your children safe and to stay very much on the path of emerging empowered so you can emerge empowered emotionally if you have to get out of the relationship you'll be clear i'll help you know what to do and how to do it in the most efficient and effective manner and to rebuild afterwards because that's it i'm here to help you successfully navigate the journey from re recognizing to recovering and rebuilding after toxic relationships i'm so glad that you were with me tonight i'm here most monday evenings at 7 be sure to subscribe become a subscriber on youtube or like on the facebook page or if you're on my website for relationshiphelp.com you can go to the podcast and subscribe in the top right corner and then you will get a notice when i'm going to do each night's topic so you will know what we're going to talk about so until we talk again take very good care of yourself and remember what the hijackal says about you is about them not you talk soon

Channel: Dr. Rhoberta Shaler - Help for Toxic Relationships

Views: 101,323

Keywords: toxic relationships, toxic relationships knowing when to let go, dr rhoberta shaler, how to respond to emotional abuse, narcissist doesn't love you, finally leaving a toxic relationship, why to leave a toxic relationship, why to leave a narcissist, covert narcissist, emotional abuse

Id: u17CBYdJt54

Length: 42min 52sec (2572 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 09 2021