6 Sad Ways Hijackal Abandon You...While You're With Them

hello and welcome to save your sanity help for toxic relationships i'm dr roberta schaeler and i'm so glad you're here if you've come back because you've joined me before welcome and if it's your first time i'm so glad you found me so welcome to you as well tonight we're going to be talking about six sad ways hijackals abandon you when you're with them it's not afterwards it's not them leaving the house it's right while you're there with them and there's sad ways because that's not what you signed up for that's not your probable definition of a good relationship and you think that you've made a terrible mistake and you may well have but you also feel less than when somebody abandons you right while they're sitting there so i wanted to go into this in some depth so that you would see how it is that we get caught up in those relationships and to be able to pull back and have some distance to get a larger perspective to get a a bigger picture of what's actually going on because when you're right in it it just feels so terrible that sometimes you can't see it clearly so i wanted to help you do that as i said if you're just joining us i'm glad that you're here and you can see on the screen that you can always find me at 4forrrelationshiphelphelp.com you can find me at my youtube channel same name for relationship help then there are many ways to get in contact with me so if you hear things tonight that are important to you or that you would like help with please feel free to reach out then i do have an offer for you if you're a new client you can have a full one hour session for only 97 go to be a client.com be a client.com really easy to remember be a client.com so abandonment we hear about that a lot people use that term we know what it kind of feels like to be left to be we talk about abandoning things at the side of the road just sort of left there and people leave but the actual definitions of it are even more graphic so in one dictionary in the oxford dictionary it says having been deserted or cast off now doesn't that just feel like life with a hijackal you thought you were together but you find that only one of you is going in this in a direction when you thought you both would be going so you feel deserted and you feel cast off like go away get out of here i'm going to do it my way and in another miriam webster's dictionary abandon is is described as to leave and never return and even though they may be sitting there their emotional selves the hijackals emotional self has left and may never return now we all know that hijackals pop back in and do their little love bombing or appear to be interested in you when they really want something or they're really afraid of losing you that will happen but if you recognize this feeling of abandonment even while you're in the relationship while you're in the room with the person these six sad ways that they abandon you may really ring true and help you put your finger on what it is you've been feeling and that's a big step into deciding what to do about it so the third dictionary definition comes from dictionary.com and that abandoned means give up or have a disinterest in to discontinue any interest in feels like that doesn't it a hijackal want she wants she wants you want she love bombs you tells you the most wonderful thing in the world can't wait to meet marry you can't wait to move in with you can't wait to have a baby they're overwhelmed sometimes they even do all that in the first date because they're in a big hurry you know as i said in my book kaizen for couples there are lots of ways to make a healthy relationship and they seem to be showing when you first meet a hijackal but then when i write about in escaping the hijackal trap there's a whole chapter called the gotcha factor because these hijackals were really in a hurry to nail you down and are doing their big show of love and protestations of love and and thinking you're wonderful and showing you're wonderful and being all thoughtful they're in a big hurry to be able to get you and then they can stop doing all that now some of them stop quickly some of them stop over years but they will stop so let's talk about these ways that they abandon you the number one way not because it's at the top of the hit parade it's just the first one is that hijackals don't want to listen to you they'll listen to you really well if you're telling them how wonderful they are or if you're telling them what they want to hear but if you need to talk if you want to engage them in something they are not interested you've noticed that right that reciprocal ability to hear one another kind of equal air time over time it's not there with a hijackal they may ask a question how are you doing but are they actually listening for the answer that's a big sign they go through the motions but they don't have any interest and if they have discontinued their interest in you you've been abandoned you feel that way so you just want to talk about your day you want to talk about something that happened with the children you want to talk about something that happened at work or in the world just like two average healthy people would do and they're not interested they turn the conversation back around to them or they put down your desire to have a conversation well why would you think i'd be interested in that and so they abandon you they leave you high and dry and deserted just because you wanted to have a natural healthy discourse with them not about anything deep just to have an healthy interaction with another human but they were not having any part of that so that's where they leave you they don't even want to listen they don't want to know about you they don't ask questions that don't have some reason for them to ask something to do with something that they want and all you're there is wanting to have conversation wanting to be together and hoping to be heard a little bit but no the hijackal is not going to do that why it's not about them if it's not about them it's not interesting and they'll tell you things like you know you're harping you're nagging you're always negative you've always got something that you want to talk about that you know there's a problem somewhere in the world i don't want to hear about it so they will abandon you they'll cast you off they'll desert you they'll they'll leave emotionally they'll be emotionally unavailable or absent have you had that feeling you know even if it was your mother did your mother want to hear about what your day did your mother show an interest in how you were feeling or what your dreams were or your father and then how about your partner and what happens if a hijackal parent has a relationship with a healthier human the offspring may in fact turn into a bit of a hijackal and they won't be interested in you either so that's a big one you know that feeling of being abandoned is real sure there are a few people in the world who will choose any dramatic emotion at any time but for most people have feeling of abandonment hurts so much because it's real and healthier humans tend to take it on and say what am i doing wrong what could i change and that's a healthy thing to do however the hijackal is counting on you to think it's your fault meanwhile they're abandoning you so that's a big issue the second sad way that they abandon you is when you express that you need them it's as if you need them is a sign to say oh you need me i'm not going to be available they don't want to be needed because that asks too much of them in a matter of fact they they want to be needed because they like to be able to not meet your needs but you feel abandoned because you go to to a hijackal and say i really need some company right now you know i'm going through a rough time not my problems is the hijackal not my problem what would make you think i want to listen to that and there you are you're burying your soul you're vulnerable you're sad you're upset you're devastated even worse and you just want that other human who has pretended to love you to listen to you to actually hear beyond listening that you need them you need them to help you feel better you need their support you need their input you need their time you need their attention well hijackals are all about me.com so you have a need how dare you it's about me says the hijackal so there you are thinking that you're going to have some semblance of partnership if you haven't already been in a relationship long enough to realize you're not you start to say it isn't available to me here i am in that lonely lonely situation i don't think there are many places lonelier than being in a relationship with a person who is abandoning you emotionally so you need them prime reason for them to walk away to not listen to make you needy to blame you for having needs have you experienced that you went to the person that you thought was your partner and your partner says no i'm not here to meet your needs i've had examples too many examples where one partner would be my client told me stories of you know going into labor hijackal wouldn't take them to the hospital i have a story of one woman who who got a really bad reaction to covet and her husband wouldn't take her to the hospital because sick people go there she had to drive herself to the hospital the hijackal was needed not excessively but in a normal way the hijackal said no you have a need let me exert some power and not meet that need for you at all watch me so you're abandoned while in the relationship the third sad way they do things is when they abandon you when they don't think you make them look good now they can abandon their children in this regard many times we have a hijackal who doesn't want anything to do with a special needs child or a child who has a medical condition now this goes both ways some of them go way overboard by being at the hospital all the time going to every visit being the primary person the doctor talks to and then starting a foundation for children with that ailment so they can get attention for that but the majority of hijackals go the other way my child would not have that difficulty no it must be your side of the family my child would never have that difficulty and because it reflects poorly on them they abandon the child and you emotionally if not physically because they see it as a poor reflection on themselves maybe you have an accident and you end up needing crutches or whatever all the jokes will be at your expense because you don't make them look good anymore it can be subtle it can be overt you can get very ill and they're too busy they're too busy to help they're too busy to come visit they're too busy to take care of you they shouldn't have to it's not what they signed up for you know all of those things they will abandon you especially when you need them as i said in number two happens over and over and over you know i have clients all around the world not every single country but many many countries and have had over the last years the stories are the same the behaviors are the same and if you ever want my help to be with by being my client i told you earlier you can go to be a client.com be a client.com we'll talk about what's going on in your world or if you'd like to to support this podcast you can go to patreon.com save your sanity patreon.com save your sanity and if you're not familiar with patreon it's a simple way to make a one-time donation or a small monthly donation and it really helps to fray the cost and keep us on the air reaching more and more people with this information so there are things for you and there are things for other people and you can help that happen so the hijackal has to look good and if they don't think you're making them look good they will avoid and they may abandon you if you put on weight after having a child if you're a woman with a hijackal partner they might have been proud as punished to pat your stomach and say look what i did i'm so potent look what i did but then afterwards they'll carry the baby and they will take all the attention maybe because that's who they are but also maybe because well you you have some weight to lose hydrocodes are great body shamers you know they are they are really low in the ways that they will take shots at you and it shows up here you lose your job ah you know how dare you that doesn't make me look good and then we have the hijackals who go in reverse they don't have a job but they belittle you for not making enough money they abandon their role and they abandon you and then they blame you for it that's a very convoluted road and it is inaccurate it's unfair definitely sad definitely nasty but if you find yourself slipping into a role where there is a hijackal who isn't working who's telling you that you don't earn enough money really have a big think about that okay because that's really warped that's really screwed up put it mildly and you don't want to be any part of that any longer because there's total abandonment now let's look at number four it's big a hijacker will abandon you when you want the three must-haves of a healthy adult relationship that i talked about in episode 115. if you want equality oh no if you expect and want reciprocity are you kidding it's all about me.com there's no equality there is no reciprocity i want you to do everything for me and i'll do as little as possible for you and then mutuality they're not interested in you mutuality means becoming attuned to one another's thoughts and feelings and needs and wants and wanting for your partner what they want for themselves and you won't find that in a hygienical partner you won't find that in a hijackal parent as i've said many times hijackal parents engage in upside down parenting healthier parents understand that a parent is there to meet the needs of the child a hijackal parent honestly believes the child is there to meet their needs so if that happens you are going to have a very difficult time creating equality reciprocity and mutuality that's the absolute bedrock the primary basic things that have to be present to have a healthy adult relationship with anybody and if you are in a partnership role a romantic supposedly romantic role and you are not getting equality reciprocity and mutuality please step back and have a look and go whoa that's right where went off the rails right there the most fundamental things are not there and are not willing to be put there either the hijackal does not want equality the hijackal does not want reciprocity because heaven knows they'd have to do something for you and they don't want mutuality because they're not that interested in you so they don't know what you really need or want anyway and it's sad it's very sad and you feel abandoned while in the relationship if you haven't listened to episode 115 it's a really good thing to do because it will help you think about all the relationships in your life and see if they actually are healthy adult relationships okay number five sad nasty ways that hijackals abandon you while you are with them is when you're exhausted and you have nothing else to give them they are totally disinterested in you they have made it so that you are exhausted they have worn you down put you down torn you down they have created the exhaustion they've expected way too much of you far too consistently over too long a period of time and yet still this is all happening so when we look at that we have to be really aware that you have been exhausted by them you are totally exhausted by them and yet they are the ones that exhausted you and yet they have no use for you now that you're exhausted they've taken all the all the joy out of you totally taken it out worn you down to nothing criticized you judged you made off-handed comments made jokes at your expense you have done everything in your power that you can think of to sustain the relationship and now they abandon you because you're no use to them they created it and now they make you wrong for it and there you are nothing left to give all the responsibilities and they are having no part of it they're going on with their life unfortunately far too common far far far too common so if you're recognizing that stop trying to have something to give them they have taken everything there is don't think that it's your job to somehow create the energy to do more for them because they'll just take that too and healthier humans they always want to have hope they always want to believe that a person can change they always want to give people the benefit of the doubt that's how you got so exhausted at least that's part of how you got so exhausted so take that in realize that by your over giving and their overtaking you were worn down and now that you're exhausted with nothing left to give all they have is scorn and criticism of you so they've emotionally abandoned you again now that's really sad stuff truly sad stuff so let's look at number six another way that hijack has abandoned you is when you don't fall for their patterns anymore when you actually maybe you've been listening to this podcast for a while and you see clearly what they're doing because i'm always inviting you to observe their patterns and you start to see it and you don't fall for it anymore or you don't take it seriously or you don't engage with it anymore then they'll abandon you they don't want any part of that they're not going to take responsibility they're not going to stand there and allow you to realize that they are less than perfect because in their eyes they're so petrified that they have to think that they're perfect and don't get all compassionate right there that they have to think they're perfect that's their task that's their walk to walk in this life you can't walk up for them you didn't break them you can't fix them please take that heart all the love you pour in all the stability you try to create all the reassurance that you try to give them has anything changed for the positive no you've just become more and more tired more and more empty and in this last way when you don't fall for their patterns anymore they hate hate hate being seen in that light they don't like to be exposed they don't like to feel that you're on to them because they're not particularly onto themselves and they are not self-reflective so they do not like to hear that music from you so think of the things you could be you could understand that they're they're game players you start to realize that the conversation always goes around a particular way to make things better for them worse for you you may have realized their pattern of manipulation that one day they tell you that black is white the next day they tell you black is red and you say yesterday you said black was white and they tell you you don't listen very well i can't count on you for anything you're not on my side when you get on to that then you no longer are agreeing with them you're no longer believing them you're no longer investing yourself in their story they don't like that maybe you're onto the pattern of gaslighting where they and i've done a whole two or three episodes on gaslighting where they are trying to define your reality for you you know when they say these pompous things like i know you better than you know that's a big red flag honest to goodness if anybody tells you that they know you better than you know yourself see that big red flag waving see it because they don't and don't give them credit for it please don't or maybe another pattern that you see is their blame shifting you say you know this happened and you said this and that's why this happened and they take that as blame and what do they say no that's exactly what you do they shift the blame back on you i did an episode on blame shifting i've done an episode of future faking you get on to their future faking oh they hate that future faking is when they make promises this is going to happen one day we'll have this next month we'll go there i have invested in this and it's going to have a return that will will allow us to do these things those things never happen do you notice that it's future faking to get you off their back they promise you what you want down the road and it never happens that's abandonment right there you thought the two of you were were joined together on a path and you find out no they've led you down the garden path there is not going to be the result that they promised you one day one day one day it's like the married person who always tells their lover well soon i'm going to get a divorce soon i'm going to get a divorce and it doesn't happen so you will be abandoned when you start to see their patterns and you start to not believe what they tell you because the pattern tells you that you shouldn't believe it so in all these ways we feel abandoned we feel cast off we feel deserted we feel the lack of interest that they've given up on us they have no interest they think they know everything about you and it leaves you with that feeling of being all alone and yet there's another person sitting right there it's sad it's empty it's difficult we don't want to be abandoned we're not people need one another's nervous systems we need a person we need our person you know and and i say need because we do have a need it's very biologically oriented you know if you didn't live with somebody else you could get killed by a wild animal right we we have this very biological imperative from a long time ago that to be with other humans we should be able to trust those humans to have our best interests at heart as we have theirs but it's never so with a hijackal never ever so so i hope that these items have made you recognize that feeling of abandonment where it comes from and how it shows up in your relationship not to mention the fact that they're always threatening to really abandon you to walk out leave you with nothing that's real too but this very sad feeling of being abandoned while in a relationship is really difficult and know that you don't have to endure being deserted or cast off you do not have to endure it i'm here to help you i'm here to help you understand i'm here to help you be emerging empowered and if you are not ready to work with me directly you can certainly become a member at emerging empowered community just go to join in today.com lots of discussion threads people supporting people many member perks one of which is to group ask me anything calls with me every month special videos special books all kinds of things go to my members every month so come on over to join in today.com and have a look see if it's good for you and until we speak again i won't abandon you come on along but don't abandon yourself remember that you're precious and you matter and take very good care of yourself until we speak again talk soon good evening let's see who's here tonight that's people great welcome welcome welcome i said it hello oh she says hi you are my angel i finally found the courage to confront my parents and how they shunned me how to cope well good for you that takes courage that's right and you did it now how to cope well i'm not sure what you're asking how to cope now that you've done that to cope with them to cope with the feelings that you have about having done that about this newfound you that is not thinking about doing it but has done it and certainly tell me more about that i'm so glad hello raquel i haven't seen you post before welcome dread savage hi i haven't seen you post he has taken his phone out and called someone while i'm in the middle of speaking there you go there is abandonment right just how could you be more overt than that you are maybe in tears talking about something sensitive or talking about something that you're overjoyed about and the other person picks up their phone and makes someone else more important than you immediately not only do they make themselves more important than you but they make someone else more important to you that is a perfect and sad example of being abandoned while they're in the room with you ernesto haven't seen you for a while it says yes they have selective and convenient hearing oh they sure do they certainly have selective and convenient hearing and when you if you're in a country or a state or a province that has one party consent recording meaning that one person in the conversation has the right to record it without telling the others you can see those things so clearly sometimes your emotions are quite caught up when you're hearing that and then when you listen to it you think oh look at the pieces that they've left out they tell the story but they take only the pieces that make them look good and they're only listening for those ones all the other ones have been missed so you're so right curious one hi yes even when you're sick you're a burden exactly i saw my dad do that to my mother she slept on the living room floor fighting hep c until she died oh that's so sad and unfortunately it happens more often than we would ever want to think so yes a hijackal will abandon you when you're sick because unless they can play the hero and look good you are an inconvenience they do not want to be associated with you because you're you're defective you have a deficit you are not who they chose and they're very arrogant about it and it is demonstrated by that total disregard for your pain or your hurt or your discomfort i had a client who called me and said i am passing a kidney stone and my husband told me that i should know that it will eventually pass and he's not taking me to the hospital and we live 40 miles from the hospital it took three days to pass she was in excruciating pain but he simply wouldn't do it because other people had managed to do it at home so why should he be bothered to take her so similar to what you're saying curious one is awful hi sky the abandonment accumulates and builds disappointment becomes sadness that turns into depression that's right you just get so worn and torn down you're exhausted and sad unhappy and then depressed and at the same time in that depression you may also have anxiety because they're coming at you again you know so you're depressed but you're also anxious that's just another layer of dysfunction and curious one said and that depression manifests in very real poor help yes it does we have to take very good care of our bodies because our bodies came first i mean before our ideas our bodies were there responding to everything our nervous system was tuned to the world and that's what happens you know if you have a hijackal parent it didn't want you in and you they give birth to you and sometimes you're very anxious baby or a colicky baby or a baby who doesn't want to be picked up because you've already felt that it is not a safe place and then later in life you're with a high tackle and you start to have ailments you start to have digestive ailments or inflammatory tendencies to inflammatory diseases you know maybe you'll get fibromyalgia or ankylosing spondylitis or some digestive difficulty and so many things can happen and the longer you're with a high jackal and nothing changes the more risk you are at so it's really important to realize that connection to the body it's happening every minute so take very good care of yourself you know the body finally says no it's not going to take any more stress and so it manifests in your body so it's a good point dread services they have bigger more important needs of course because they are much more important humans and don't you think it's the saddest ever when they refuse to work and they complain about you not keeping them in the style to which they want to become accustomed and they think that their need for you to go out and get them beer is more important than the fact that you're lying on the floor in pain it's just the ultimate arrogance isn't it and when you see it don't think there's something wrong with you i mean yes you're in pain but don't think there's something wrong with you that if you were a better human they would be nice to you they won't they simply won't it's power over you that they want they're not all of a sudden going to become nice unless they really want something dragon claws haven't seen you pose before the words winer and needy were used i don't ask anymore exactly because they want to push you away that's abandonment if i can get you to go away and stop talking the hijackal feels they've won and yet there you are endeavoring to engage them in what healthier humans do and that's when you realize they don't fall in that category they are not healthier humans they are hijack all humans as almost a whole other species you know it really is because they don't play by any of the same rules they don't have the same way of processing they don't think the same way they don't want the same thing so it's almost like another species i don't know what you were saying bingo too curious one but good stanley hi are you familiar with nsa memory eraser with respect to psychological warfare um yes i certainly have read about that um that's a tactic a very um chosen tactic a strategy and so there are similarities to what hijackals do but certainly something for people to look at so thanks for bringing that up hello linda john says i had to drive myself to the doctor's office who said he would meet me in the office to cut a cast i hat on there you go they are not going to be helpful they don't have compassion they don't have empathy when you're with a hijackal you're with an empathy-free zone remember that if you expect empathy from a hijackal you'll be sadly disappointed repeatedly and there's an example of it john says mine told me the first place i would lose weight was in the face i don't know i would have lost some weight i think just getting rid of the baggage that was the hijackal i know that you did john but i know what you went through before you did linda says they agree with others but not with you well that's very common because out in the world they behave differently than they behave at home you know i've said so many times hijackals paint a public picture of perfection and at home they provide a private place of pain so they will agree with someone else who says exactly what you've been saying but they will disagree with you because you have been abandoned john says every single party we went to she disappeared and said she knew everyone and i didn't so she didn't bother to introduce me that's truly being abandoned in the physical sense as well as the emotional sense it's just ugly behavior john i'm sorry that happened to you dragon claws while i sat in this hospital bed he told me to my face i won't visit you in this situation that's when i began trying to understand what the heck is going on good it's a horrible way to get that wake-up call isn't it but it caused you to start thinking in a more constructive way in a healthier way so that is good curious one said then they complain you aren't happy enough and you're complaining and needy oh that's that's what they also use to say well i just can't be with somebody who's complaining all the time you're a downer i am not going to be with you you're they're the ones who you're complaining about and you are needy because they didn't give you anything it's so convoluted so circular john says and they abandoned me and then they're having an affair with someone close to me well they like to do that because it can rub your nose in it can't they who's this curious one says sam vaknin has an interesting theory that most narcissists are looking to be your mother in the love-bombing ideolation phase and then i expect you to be their mother after that yeah i'm not sure that i agree but he does say that john asks do hijackals have sexual addictions many of them do many of them are addicted to porn because that's the ultimate i guess but also they're addicted to being adored they're addicted to being treated well they're addicted to having their needs met so certainly it extends to the sexual arena linda said that happened to me i was having a miscarriage and he handed me the car keys oh that's so awful i'm so sorry typical hijackal behavior you know his child his partner and he doesn't care that's so clearly hijackal behavior yes they do love to make you crazy and they do it on purpose you know people ask me all the time do they choose their behaviors and the answer for me is is st steady yes and you know how you know that is because they don't behave like that when they want to make a good impression they don't behave like that at work sometimes they don't behave like that at church they don't behave like that in front of your mother they choose their behavior so they could choose to be on good behavior all the time but it doesn't meet their needs their needs for power and status and control so we can tell that they choose their behaviors because they'll be in the middle of a full rage with you out in the parking lot and somebody that they want to impress walks by and they will turn 180 degrees and be sweet as anything and then get right back at you with that rageful face it's just clear that they turn it on curious one says nobody's perfect so don't you dare criticize them but you no empathy for you exactly how many times have i watched television show and someone will behave in a hijackal way and then they'll say well i'm just human it's in the script of so many television shows i've saw you seen during the great quarantine raid like well i'm only human well yes i cheated with 16 different people but i'm only human i wasn't getting what i needed at home i'm only human but you don't believe you're only human you believe that you're some kind of demigod or goddess that should get everything that they want because of their highest status in life of not being human and then when they do things that are antisocial they say oh but i'm only human everybody makes mistakes how many times have you heard that from a high chuckle you're so right curious one says my mom was driven mad by my father's breadcrumbing and future faking i feel so awful it took me 40 years to realize what was going on and go no contact well 40 years or 40 minutes as long as you realized it and you got out of the pattern and you started thinking outside the pattern and looking at them outside the pattern that's what's important and it's it's sad you know i had two hijackal parents so i understand a whole lot about how that feels they reject you and then abandon you well those two things are obviously very much aligned they they simply want to hurt you and by rejecting you they are sure that they can do that because you have by that point become addicted to getting some breadcrumbs from them just throw me a breadcrumb and i'll be quiet you know but you have been so deprived of a meal that anything that they do that seems like it's the tiniest bit acknowledging not even loving then you're you engage in that hope again oh they do love me they do let me know they don't all right let's see what else we have deborah hello everything you say makes so much sense and i find myself feeling a little better thank you well you're so welcome join us all the time every monday evening invite your friends to come along um that's why i do what i do is to allow you to feel seen and to recognize that what you are feeling is real and what you're seeing in these people is real and it's not your skewed opinion of them they're showing you who they are believe them don't try to make them into something else some person that they'll never going to be in your mind oh if only i love them if only i provide them with stable love they'll be fine if only they realize i'll never leave them then they'll relax no none of those things are true with a hijackal they're just not true so shortcut your process if you're having those thoughts disabuse yourself of that notion they're not going to get better all right so heather i can relate to being abandoned while in the room ouch yes it's a big ouch for sure and it is the most dark place to be in because the person is right there supposedly available to talk to or touch or make eye contact with and their whole thing is to not do any of that it is so lonely susan hello i haven't seen your post before the energy is fierce they can be smiling at you and you feel the negative judgment yes and and they engage in i did a whole episode on the hijackal smirk it's sort of that half smile with the gotcha look and i've mentioned it before that i did an episode with a facial coder a person who reads facial language and i asked him about it and he said that that what i call the hijackal smirk is the facial code for anger mixed with disdain and when facial coders read that they read it as contempt and really that's what it is hijackals have contempt for you that you breathe that you speak that you have an opinion that you think you know something it's just that contempt you know i hope i can't do it i hope i can't do that face um heather says future faking i learned some new technology i live it every day yeah it's really sad you know we can buy into that like i said earlier the future faking is you know being with a married person they're always telling you that they're going to leave them to drag you along to give you the answer you want while never taking the action to get it and that will happen in so many ways but if you understand the pattern of it you can then stop buying into it and when they start doing it you don't buy and that it will ever happen and save yourself some heartache that's for sure yes that's true curious one says that's terrible for that client what kind of monster could do that well somebody who believes they have the upper hand and they are going to demonstrate it whenever they feel like it when she became my client they drove a thousand miles because he had to see me face to face to know whether i was worthy to help her build her business what an investment that much control i said it my parents shunned me ever since i stood up for myself after 39 years please help me cope they slander me to family and friends yes this slander is called triangulation smear campaign both of those things so they they want to make themselves look good and keep their flying monkeys around flying monkeys are people who are loyal to the hijackals so they spread disinformation they will lie about you they will do everything what i found effective in that case is if somebody says that they've heard this about you don't bother to refute it just simply say that's not the way i remember it or that's not what happened from my point of view if you'd like to know from my point of view you feel free to ask they won't but you have not tried to argue with them you have not tried to defend yourself and it won't work because flying monkeys are loyal to the hijack hall and it all gets just nasty from there so it's very disappointing i know you know parents shunning you again for not meeting their needs upside down parenting and then you stand up for yourself which healthy parents would say that's good hijackal parents can't stand it and so coping is to transfer your affections transfer your expectations to healthier humans become a healthier human yourself get some help i'm always here to help you go to be a client.com get some other help to sort out what happened in this hijackal family what did i take what did i adopt adapt inherit in the way that i look at the world or the way that i behave the way i feel get some help to make a shift to take back your own life to reclaim your power and rebuild your life with your own values i know it's not easy i won't even pretend it it's not that simple but it's so important to do because you're worth the investment of time in yourself to figure this all out thanks for the emojis susan jesse says it's not worth it to bring up my feelings because i am in the wrong for feeling that way my feelings are invalid because they do not want to view themselves with shortcomings you're exactly right so you've decoded it it isn't worth it and then the question is can you keep yourself insulated from it can you have that happening to you without having any feelings about it and i don't mean that you've gone dead inside that would be unhealthy but there you go oh that's the hijackal being the hijackal i wouldn't expect anything less right and that's important they will invalidate your feelings because they're not convenient to the hijackal the hijackal doesn't want you to have those feelings they don't want you to have any information that would go against what they think and what they say about you so they don't want to be viewed as having shortcomings hijackals are all perfect don't you know they'll be happy to tell you that so you're absolutely right jesse john says the way she left me feeling so horrible about myself and she said i didn't care she hardly ever even talked to me that's really a sad story but good thing that you're out jesse asks why do people become hijackals is there a way to overcome those behaviors probably not until they want to well they become hijackals because they had to do that to survive when they were young in most cases it was from family dysfunction and hijackals very very tiny percent of them are born that way with particular predilections those are the more serious ones the ones who are likely to hurt other humans but it's mostly environmental the nature nurture piece we're just beginning to see that on some brain scans we can always see the people who are psychopathic the ones who are going to hurt people but we've we're beginning to see some glimmers of being able to detect some other changes that happen in the brain when you adopt these behaviors but overcoming these behaviors if a human wanted to overcome them if the hijackal wanted to overcome them sincerely overcome them they would have to commit to a very long course of therapy and most hijackals don't want to do that so the answer to is there a way to overcome these behaviors it's a very long hard way because they don't want to remember they are engaged in feeling perfect so john asks is a betrayal bond different from a trauma bond yes it is uh in this way a betrayal bond is that you betray me and i want to make myself more veil more valuable to you and so we get into a strange mix there but a trauma bond occurs when the person you think you love hurts you and they've isolated you to the point where the person who hurt you is the person you turn to for comfort and that's how we get a trauma bond they hurt you they do everything that they wanted to do they're nasty and awful and then they say oh you'll live come here it's a very deep thing both a betrayal bond and a trauma bond and they're definitely related but they're a little bit different than each other so as usual i look for comments and when there haven't been any for 30 seconds i disappear so we're getting to that place where there are no john says it's so sad it certainly is sad so when you push the button with your chat it takes about 20 seconds to get to me so if you have a question or comment now is the time to do it remember if you'd like to join my empowered emerging empowered community come on over to join in today.com have a look at it and then join in if you're joining me on youtube not only can you become a subscriber but you can become a member now and as a member i do a once a month sunday morning 10 a.m pacific time a live stream video with chat just for youtube members my youtube members that's 4.99 a month 4.99 a month so there's lots of things there for you and hello tracy nice to see you they are heartbreaking and they will break you down and then you have to slowly get up but when you get up i hope that you put yourself together in much better shape never to allow a hijackal to darken your door again i can help you go to be a client and in the meantime take very good care of yourself because you matter you're precious and i hope you will treat yourself that way talk soon you

Channel: Dr. Rhoberta Shaler - Help for Toxic Relationships

Views: 22,633

Keywords: abandoned by narcissist, ways a narcissist abandons you, toxic relationships, emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, relationship advice for teenagers, childhood trauma healing, childhood trauma and the brain, emotional abuse from parents, feeling alone in relationship, dr rhoberta shaler, hijackals, save your sanity podcast

Id: Jea4W1L82zc

Length: 64min 54sec (3894 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 08 2022