- I have rescued nine dogs in my life. (audience cheering) Thank you. I've returned four. (audience laughing) Because I have a type. (audience laughing) And I'm impulsive and I
don't think things through. And like any other animal
lover here tonight, when you have a type,
you stick to that type. And my type is slow and overweight. That is what I'm looking for in an animal. (audience laughing) I'm not looking to go on
long walks with my animal or go for hikes, or even play fetch,
quite frankly, you know? I wanna come home at the end of a long day and snuggle. I wanna get into bed with
The Lion King, you know? And have him on top of
me with his big fat face and his big meaty neck
swaying back and forth while I wrap my arms around him. And then when it gets too hot, I can say, "Get the fuck off of me." (audience laughing) - So now I have a new dog, Mary. I rescued her, or I like to think she rescued me. I don't know which is the less
cunty way of putting it, but, (audience laughing) I have her. - And I love old dogs. Old dogs are my jam, okay? It's so true, right? I don't want that dog
that hears the doorbell and starts running in
a circle and yapping. I want the dog that hears
the doorbell and is like, "You going to get it?" (audience laughing) - At one point I was like,
"We gotta adopt a dog. I gotta take care of something." My husband said, "What
kind of dog do you want?" I said, "A big one." So he came home with a Lab Mastiff. (audience laughing) Do you know what a Mastiff was? I didn't know. I should've Google image. We have a pony, I have a pony. (audience laughing) I said, if she's 140 pounds,
she's my goal weight. Listen, (audience laughing) I have a shovel for her shit. I wear overalls. I look like a Puerto Rican Kathy Bates. Listen, (audience laughing) I see so much before shit
11:00 AM that's not mine. I'm a good person. She's big and black and beautiful. She won't stop growing. I call her precious. (audience laughing) - Only a dog will give you 100% of itself. That's why they get so sad when they know you're about to leave, and why they get so
happy when you come home. You are literally everything they've been
looking forward to. And now you're back. (audience laughing) I know for a fact, nothing on this planet
loves me more than my dogs. I said this last night and someone said, "What about your son?" - I said, "Nothing loves me more." I could leave my dressing room
for one minute or one hour. When I come back, the
reaction is the same. It is the greatest moment
ever every single time. Oh yeah, yeah. My dog, Vinnie, will jump off the couch and run towards me top speed. And then when he gets to
me, he jumps up and down, and he makes a sound like
a (imitates dog barking). You can almost hear, where were you, where
were you, where were you? (audience laughing) And he pees everywhere. (audience laughing) I used to get upset that he would do that. But then I thought about it. My dog loves me so much, he cannot control his
own bodily functions. That's why when I would go home, I would immediately pick
him up before anything. And then my girlfriend would get mad. "How come you don't come to me first?" I said, "Because the dog loves me more." (audience laughing) "How do you know I don't love you more?" I said, "I don't see a puddle." (audience laughing) - I can't wait till we have
driverless cars everywhere. That'll be cool. Because it'll only be a matter of time before people will figure out that they can just get
a car for their dogs. (audience laughing) "Honey, where are the dogs?" "I got them a car. They're just driving around for an hour." (audience laughing) Can you imagine being at a red light and a car full of dogs
pulls up next to you? (audience laughing) Incredible. I mean, the dogs are having a great time. The driver dog's, like,
"I knew I could do this." (audience laughing) And if you get into an
accident with some dogs, I mean, how mad are you gonna be? (audience laughing) You get outta the car, "Son of a bitch. Hello. (audience laughing) Where's your insurance?" Go get your insurance. Good boy." (audience laughing) - You know what else I don't
need in my morning walk? Shitting dogs. (audience laughing) So many shitting dogs. And they wait for me. I'm telling you, they wait for me. They do. They see me come around the corner, and they hunch over. (audience laughing) And you just know the sphincter
is going off in excitement. (audience laughing) And they stare into my soul. And they shit as the
sun rises behind them. (audience laughing) - And you can't get away from it. I'm telling you, I've tried. You try not to make eye
contact and I run away. I don't run. I walk away at a reasonable pace, and they come after me. They're like, where are you going? I can take this on the road. Where are you going? (audience laughing) Fuck. - I love this dog so much. She takes a shit. I put my hand in a bag. (audience laughing) And I pick up her warm shit. I love my girlfriend, but I'm not putting a bag on my hand and picking up my girlfriend's shit. I don't love her like I love that dog. (audience laughing) It gets worse, people. It gets worse. (audience laughing) So recently, I was on Facebook and I wanted to post a
picture of my dog, Kemi, in her birthday hat. (audience laughing) Yeah, I fucking said that. I put my dog in a birthday hat. And I went on the page of the
lady who I got the dog from to post a picture of
Kemi in her birthday hat so that her siblings around the country, (audience laughing) I can't believe I'm saying
this shit in public. (audience laughing continues) So that her siblings around the country could celebrate their birthdays together. And then I saw this other cute
little Australian shepherd and he looked just like Kemi. And I was like, he's related. Now, a year ago, I couldn't
tell the difference between a fuckin' horse and a chihuahua. (audience laughing) But now, I saw another
Australian shepherd, and I looked at that dog and I knew immediately that
he was related to my dog. And I messaged the woman, I said, "This dog, is he related to my dog?" And she was like, "Yes, they have the same father." (audience laughing) And I was like, "Is he available?" (audience laughing) - I shouldn't even say, "I rescued you." People love patting
themselves on the back. We rescued it, we saved it, we adopted it. No, you didn't. Here's what happened to your dog, my dog, every dog ever. The dog was born into a litter, kidnapped, given to you. (audience laughing) "No, Neal, you don't understand. I'm a dog mom." Really? You know who else was a dog mom? That dog's mom. (audience laughing) But we think because we talk to the dogs like they're our babies,
that they're our babies, they're not, they're our captives, right? But we think because we go
like, are you a pretty girl? You a pretty girl? Pitch your voice down, you'll see what a monster you are. Like, are you a pretty girl? (audience laughing) We can go outside, but I can
put a chain around your neck. (audience laughing) Do a trick for me, I'll give you a tiny morsel of food. (audience laughing) You're my best friend. (audience laughing continues) We try to make movies about it, romanticize this relationships
like Marley and Me. You know what a dog sees when
he watches Marley and Me? He sees the movie, Taken, but Liam Neeson never shows up. (audience laughing) - We have a four-year-old French bulldog. Her name is Petunia. (audience cheering) The idea of people applauding
for that little monster. I mean, I would never tell
her that you applauded. It would go right to her ego. That little monster who just
rubs her vulva on the carpet while staring at me in the eyes just (imitates dog growling). I know her vulva itches
and she needs to rub it. But the thumping of the back paws, it's upsetting. (audience laughing) I'm just kidding. I love Petunia very much. She's one of my most favorite people I've ever met in my life. Petunia likes to be very social, but she can't walk very far
'cause she has a flat face so she can't breathe by design. But she wants to go out and meet people but we can't walk her for that long. And anyway, this is a long-winded way of saying that we bought
a stroller for our dog. (audience laughing) My wife and I walk around New York City pushing Petunia the French
Bulldog in a stroller. And it's a big stroller,
and it is a big black hood. And people lean in to see the baby. (audience laughing) And instead they see a gargoyle breathing like Chris Christie. (John imitates Petunia breathing) - If you don't know what a pug is, they advertise it as a dog. (audience laughing) It is not. It has a fat, round,
hairy turkey-like body, four spindly legs that look like it couldn't
support that fat body. Dogs have paws. Pugs have long lady fingers
with fancy press-on nails. (audience laughing) Some have four, some have three, some two like a chicken foot. (audience laughing) And the face of an
arthritic 80 year old man. (audience laughing) Eyes that looked like it belongs on a different animal all together. It looks like God was making it ran out of pug eyes and said, "Let's give it cow eye. See how that goes." (audience laughing) It doesn't go. This poor guy's got
these two bulbous things hanging out of his skull. The lids can't even get
up and over the ball. He hasn't had his eyes shut
in the time I've had him. He just struggles and
snores 24 hours a day. (Tom imitates dog snoring) Is he asleep right now? We're on a walk. (audience laughing) - There is one reason and one reason alone why
cats are better than dogs. And that's because cats would
never work with the police. (audience laughing) Not a single one of them. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay? And it's not because the cats
don't have the skillset, no. Cats could end the drug trade
tomorrow if they wanted to. But they said work with the
state, I don't think so. No. Dog owners are obsessed with
their dogs, they're like, "Oh, my dog follows me
around everywhere I go." And it's like, sounds like the NSA, honey. Like what are they listening for? It's like, "Oh, my dog
waits outside the bathroom for me to finish and then I come out." And it's like your dog thinks
you're doing drugs in there and wants to send you down the river. Every dog was born with a wire. Defund puppies. (audience laughing) No, I couldn't even finish it, you guys. I couldn't even finish saying it. No. Dog owners do get upset with me when I talk about this on stage. Though sometimes I had a
dog owner come up to me after a show once and she was like, "Don't do that. Don't project human morality
onto the dogs, okay? The dogs don't understand
what they're doing." And it's like, actually, I think that dogs are sort
of the best equipped animal to understand human morality because have you ever seen a dog that's too ashamed to
shit in front of you? Every time I see that,
I get so fucking pissed, I'm like, oh, so you do
understand what it is to live in a society? (audience laughing) Sometimes, you know? If you do, then get a job, and they're like, take
me to the police academy. Every single time. It's crazy. - If we're the only one
stressing, what's it worth? You know? Like a dog has no problem being a dog. A dog's never been running for a Frisbee and jumped forward in
mid-air and then been like, "What's the point? (audience laughing) I'm just gonna catch it and
he's gonna throw it again. We're stuck in this perpetual..." That never happens with a dog. No dog is overthinking. You know what I mean? No dog is laying there getting
a belly rub being like, "Yeah, you rubbing my belly right now, but you're rubbing that
other bitch a week ago. I smell her on you and we will discuss it. After the belly rub, there's
gonna be a conversation. Do you understand me?" (audience laughing) No dog is just sitting at home, alone while you're there
just being like, wow, am I a good boy? That never happens. - I'm a dog mother. So that's beautiful. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's gorge. She's gorge. She's about eight years old. I've had her for two years. So yes, she's a rescue. You're welcome. (audience clapping) Yeah, it's important to say that. I don't know about y'all, but I follow a lot of animal
accounts on Instagram. And you know people will post
a picture of their animal and they'll be like, #WhoRescuedWho It's like, I rescued her ass. (audience laughing) I saw her and I said, "Come with me if you want to live." (audience laughing) That's the dynamic. That's the dynamic. Get your nose out your ass, let's go. And she's so cute, y'all. She's like this little Maltese
terrier pocket petite angel. She's gorgeous. She's gorgeous. And here's the thing, I realized. I realized like a week
into having this dog, I can't have a dog that's too fine. 'cause when you got a fine-ass dog, people want to engage with
you out in these streets. Okay? I'm a curmudgeon. And she is gorgeous and
they want to get connected. You know, we walking and people are like, "Is she friendly?" And I'm like, "No, I'm not!" And I walk away. (audience laughing) - So we're dog moms right now. That's what we're doing. And we'll see what happens. But we have this little
Pomeranian named Biggie. So cute. He's a little guy, 8 pounds, and a very happy, healthy guy, but he came down with
something called HGE. Now it's this thing that dogs can get where they go from being
totally healthy and fine to being super, super sick. And it can be deadly. It comes on fast like 48 hours. And vets don't know how dogs get this. They say it could be
from something they ate, it could be from stress. I was like the Humane Society found Biggie eating out of a dumpster, and now he is walking around Beverly Hills in my wife's Gucci purse. He ain't got no stress. (audience laughing) His food is more expensive than mine. He ain't got no stress. So we have no idea where this
came from or how he got it. But the signs of it start to show up at the beginning of our flight
from LA to New York City, five and a half hours, and every hour he got significantly worse. We couldn't do anything. We landed, it took us an hour
to drive into New York City, we went straight to an animal hospital. Jax took him in the examination room and I was filling out tons of paperwork. It's so different than
when I grew up with pets. I mean, back in the day, your dog slept inside, outside, your neighbor's house. It'd roll up after two
days, you'd be like, "Sparky, where have you been?" (audience laughing) Your dog ate whatever leftovers your grandma threw over
the fence from the Sizzler. And if suddenly your dog required
a large medical procedure, your parents were
straight up be just like, "It's been fun, Sparky." (audience laughing) (smooth music)
