Six Painful Core Issues for Adult Children of Narcissists

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hi my name is Jerry wise and I'm a relationship expert I'm the director for the center of self differentiation I've been a relationship expert and coach for 40 years almost I'm fortunate enough to be here down here in South Beach and Miami staying at my favorite hotel the Metropolitan Como health hotel which I would recommend anyone beautiful hotel and hotel service is spectacular they have been so kind and helping me I've worked with adult children of narcissists and I work with many other people who have different problems as well but I know one of the core group are those who grow up with narcissistic parents and trying to help them achieve a sense of inner freedom new life new direction and detachment from that old abuse and trauma and to find their their real selves today in this video I wanted to share six painful for issues which often caused significant pain for adult children of narcissists there are certainly other sore issues and I'll share more in other videos but these dicks I wanted to share with you we only have so much time on a video and I wanted to try to pack v6 in the first one is self power shedding we shed our own sets of power we give our power away to other people adult children of alcoholics give their internal and external power away to others the reason that we do that is when up or when we've been in relationships with narcissus we realized that to retain our own sense of power to retain a sense of self to have a sense of self would have caused us more trauma abuse discounting and targeting from narcissists and particularly narcissistic characters we couldn't be ourselves when I grow up it would just be too dangerous contain 'fl too difficult and so we learn to shed that power and give it away as we interact with others we always make them more powerful than ourselves and that's to keep try to keep us safe and not to be authentic and not to put ourselves out there where we can be abused misused lie to given excuses to blame we over own our weakness our powerlessness our values and our sense of love sense of self we over own that time and time again in another paradigm say in the chemical dependency world or addiction world some call this codependency though I think if you use a system family systems view of it it takes on a different character and it's that shedding of power that we do in relationships it's a pattern that happens for the adult children of narcissus they experience themselves as nothing as hidden as unreal and invisible everyone and everything in life from theirs remember that the adult child of narcissus experienced being ground into the ground by the parents that they have when they shed it when they shed their shame onto their children which it was narcissus do narcissus are always shamed shedding they shed it and focus it towards other people because at the core of narcissism is an inner deep core of shame that they cannot have not dealt with and they shoot that onto others we then end up shedding our powerlessness from ourselves and again it ends up crushing the child so now we live like light like we are pancake with a keel on top of us from our family of origin adult children of narcissists give their emotional power away to others while feeling too much and in and and not engaging the thinking process more they just tend to engage the feeling process more and then that makes it more difficult for them adult children give away their life power as well their money the time their efforts are compliments their support etc and we pour ourselves out leaving little or nothing left and this is our over functioning to the max and adult children about of narcissists tend to do that it's not common it's not uncommon in adult children of alcoholics do that as well the second painful core issue is leaving the present it's also known as dissociation Wikipedia gives a definition of dissociation if you've wondered about that in psychology it says dissociation is any of a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experience the major characteristic of all dissociative phenomena involves a detachment from reality rather than a loss of reality as in psychic psychosis we don't lose reality we detach from reality and that's a big difference some people say oh you mean well then I'm psychotic and I just I just lose reality you know you detach from reality you don't lose it you detach from it adult children of alcoholics detached from reality and this can be true for a COAS and adult children of abuse who grew up in sexually or physically abusive homes when things get stressful or frightening for the adult child or very confrontational we just check out we just aren't there then we come back to ourselves and clean up the damage and and often then just feel crazy and worthless and very abnormal we also disassociate by flight freezing and triangulating those are all things that we want to get away from the reality of the situation right now and in another video I talked about flight freezing triangulating and then we want to do is think and begin to think and be mature and process what's going on up here rather than just living from our lower brain we want to process from a higher brain again adult children have memory loss the kind of gray out they have a sense of disconnection from oneself and from the surroundings here are some examples of what people say when dissociation occurs I explode at my husband and can't remember what I said I just don't feel real I'm just doing things automatically I can become so totally concerned about what people are thinking of me or expecting from me when I'm talking to them that I become lost I lose me I couldn't remember whether it really happened or I imagined it happen I don't feel like myself I feel like some other person inside those are some examples of dissociation there are many others as well thirdly a core issue feeling isolated feeling isolated even in a crowd and have few to know peaceful or stable relationships doesn't mean we're not married doesn't really I'm friends but oftentimes those relationships can be rocky roller coasters have all kinds of instability in them most have a rollercoaster element in those relationships or what I call bipolar relationship for bipolar marriages adult children of narcissists have a love-hate Fear relationship and abandonment fear in their relationships again feeling very isolated in their own little stovepipe adult children of narcissists are overwhelmed by other people that's very common excuse that abused verbally physically emotionally sexually by narcissistic parents growing up then you will be overwhelmed and feel overwhelmed just being with other people they experience only conditional love from others that the whole world is built on conditional love and conditional acceptance the experience relationships as having one foot on the brake and one foot on the accelerator most of the time and they never know where they want to go or stop or go or solve over stop and sometimes he'll just jam on both and have lots of stress and anxiety as it goes up and end up burning up the engine or themselves and not really going anywhere Sartre the philosopher said something and wrote something very poignant I think for this he said hell is other people and I think that sums up many times the experience of relationships for adult children of narcissists fourth painful core issue unresolved intergenerational trauma often times narcissistic parents were abused by other narcissistic or alcoholic parents or abusive parents who are abused by their parents who are viewed by their parents and there's an intergenerational transmission of that trauma and pain on down to us from narcissistic abuse emotional and physical from shame shedding by narcissistic parent or parents and creates frequent and intense reactivity in us or PTSD feelings of desolation this family brain I would call it or lower brain or limbic brain that we learned growing up in our family of origin we have inherited from that intergenerational trauma this guides and pains are feeling system the emotional system is is not felt but it is triggered the feeling system is conscious and felt and we have healing and one of the things I work with people is to help them heal and resolve and grow up their emotional system not just deal with the feelings that come as a result of it or to change that system within for example denial denial and believing we had loving parents that as a belief that comes out of the trauma in our city trauma I love my parents I know they love me however much of anything and all they do doesn't say they know how to love someone but I still believe that intense shade from the shame shedding hyper-vigilance when interacting with others too much awareness to my sensitivity too much emotionality or feelings because of this unresolved intergenerational trauma and then we have the internalized abuse and shame and criticism that stuck right in here and so to resolve that resolves the internet intergenerational trauma Sisley the adult child of narcissus have a negative grandiose fantasy there's a grandiosity about them now let me tell you what that means grandiose in a negative way is how a adult child of a narcissist would experience it the narcissist has a grandiosity that is in a positive way they see themselves as way too wonderful way too great way to bend they can affect the whole world make an effective children they can affect everybody everybody needs to do their bidding and come to their come on bended knees to them the adult child of narcissus has a nuthouse also has a grandiosity but it's a negative I'm so special because I'm not special at all I'm so powerful because I feel powerless we then feel over responsible for everything everybody in all things others feelings others reactivity others disappointments and judgements and the reason why relationships fail is it's all my fault why why they succeed it must be what I'm doing right or adjusting or pandering or helping make the relationship work and that's why it works it seems everything is my fault and is at my control that's very very grandiose and it causes us a lot of anxiety and a lot of pain everyone sees me everyone's always watching me everybody is aware of me and thinks about me no one would ever want to be a friend to me no one in the world very grandiose and even I say were we feel responsible for the weather and again it's a very grandiose negative and I mean responsible for the weather in a negative way if it rained well what did I do wrong we were going to have a picnic now we had bad weather well I probably didn't do something right or displease God or something very grandiose stop thinking you are so special learn a healthy specialness not a grandiose specialness that you can upset everyone that much that you know you you're not that important or not that powerful that can be very freeing if we can come to believe that and understand that narcissistic parents so crushes that we feel so desolate that we learn to believe we affect everything in a negative way and that were special if you quote in that way we want to heal that negative special I'm not special I'm just a human like everybody else I'm going to be in this earth and then not be on this earth and and that's okay I don't have that much power I can't cause all the problems things people think I can cause and I certainly can't cause all their feelings because I'm not that powerful not that special because if I can cause all the negative feelings in you then I ought to be able to cause all the positive feelings in you and I found that to be very difficult to do and believe me for decades I cried thankfully enmeshment and over closeness adult children of narcissists lack emotional detachment they lack self differentiation they lack separateness they're too fused with their narcissists and their family of origin and they carry that fusion on into their later adult relationships this creates feelings of loneliness isolation detachment from self and others and again it's because I'm so attached we're overly attached we're overly blended together rather than self differentiated here's unhealthy distance to learn healthy closeness pure self differentiation and and again it's relationships are paradoxical momentum that in a moment adult children try to fix this with more closeness fusion and attachment which results in bad marriages friendship work relationships all kinds of difficult relationships because we're pushing the wrong way we're over closed but we think the solution is more closed because we feel kind of distanced and distant inside and kind of isolated so we miss read our relationship system and do what intuitive which only gets us into more trouble rather than doing what's counterintuitive I don't know if you've seen those Chinese bamboo finger cuffs that you stick your fingers in them and then when you pull they tighten I was going to bring some on the trip and I forgot to do it push those in then pull its intuitive for us to pull out of that bamboo a stricture but what the way you get out of it is to push in and then pull out and that's counterintuitive same way with relationships relationships and systems thinking health relation tells us relationships work paradoxically to get close we must get some distance resulting from our abuse and our trauma that distance distance makes intimacy happen over closeness keeps into intimacy from happening and when I work with marriages so often the couple is over close and they're trying to get closer and the intimate and I keep telling them if you could learn to be more independent and if I cues that were more differentiated more distance between you you might be able to come together and be more close as a couple if you want help with these six painful court issues contact me to schedule one-on-one sessions with you to help you free yourself from that helplessness despair rage self-pity felt bloated loathing and enmeshment and all the ways that we're stuck emotionally or in relational I work as a self expert I hope you'll contact me my contact information is on the screen you can also I hope you will join my youtube channel Gary Weis relationship systems on YouTube the same name for my facebook web page and I do have a website Gary Weis relationship systems calm and I hope you'll continue to follow my videos I've got several videos that are coming very quickly and I want to thank you today for joining me down in sunny Miami here and I hope you have a great day

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Channel: Jerry Wise Relationship Systems

Views: 298,596

Rating: 4.8744259 out of 5

Keywords: Narcicissm, ACON, Adult children of narcissists, codependency, jerry wise, relationship coaching, Enmeshment, Bowen Family Systems, Self differentiation, family systems, dysfunctional relationships, Narcissistic abuse, narcissistic trauma, intergenerational trauma, giving away emotional power, overfunctioning, underfunctioning, Aduld Children of Alcoholism, Dissociation

Id: GgfehV-s8XQ

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Length: 20min 54sec (1254 seconds)

Published: Sat May 13 2017

Reddit Comments

Important lessons for understanding the psychology of parent-child dynamics in the context of the Islamic ethos. Virtually all Muslims, both parents and children, misunderstood the nature of the parent-child dynamic from an Islamic perspective. As a result, Muslims corrupt this relationship in such a way that it facilitates and caters to the unconscious attachment needs of narcissists. The notion of 'obedience to parents' is likewise corrupted, and thus acts as the premise for narcissistic parenting under the guise of religiosity. Generation after generation of Muslims are traumatized as a result of this on a massive scale.

👍︎︎ 7 👤︎︎ u/unknown_poo 📅︎︎ Jul 31 2019 🗫︎ replies