<i> [♪]</i> <i> [woman singing in French]</i> [Farrah]<i> High school
is just one big buzz saw</i> <i> that grinds people up
into little bite-sized pieces.</i> <i> Some people
just do a better job</i> <i> at avoiding the teeth.</i> [phone rings] [Sarah]<i> Hey, Farrah,
where are you?</i> Why hasn't today started? [Sarah]<i> They won't let us
in the school.</i> Be there in a minute. <i> [woman singing in French]</i> [Farrah]<i> That's Sarah Hurley.</i> <i> She and I almost didn't
make it as friends</i> <i> because of the Sarah
and Farrah annoyance.</i> <i> I am not an ampersand person.</i> <i> So, I got the whole school
to call her Hurley.</i> [siren wails] What's with
the EMT action? The Crotch
doesn't even know. [Farrah]<i>
The Crotch is this entity</i> <i> that everyone fears
but can't turn away from.</i> <i> Some kid who was obsessed
with Perez Hilton</i> <i> started it
like 10 years ago,</i> <i> and it gets passed along
to some anonymous student</i> <i> every year.</i> [Farrah]<i> The name itself,
while crass,</i> <i> is at least classic.</i> Central-C. Rochester-Rotch. <i> Hence</i> C-rotch. [Farrah]<i>
Then again,</i> <i> The Crotch has always
been nice to me.</i> Hey, Jaynes. We have police action. What the hell? The last update is still
the Stacey Moorehead story. What story?
That her last name turned out to be
a prophecy? [Jayne] No, about her nose job. Earned her a smoking on
the The Crotch HotMeter. Ugh. When did we birth
the tube sock peek? Has it even been a week? - Four days.
- Ugh, it's out of control. We gotta kill the baby. Call it. Official time of death, 9:07 a.m. [sighs] - [gasps]
- [girl] What happened? [record scratches] Well, this day
just got interesting. <i> [♪]</i> <i> ♪ It's a dirty old trick ♪</i> <i> ♪ It's a dirty old trick
to take someone so far ♪</i> <i> ♪ And drop them ♪</i> I'm sorry, since when
does cadaver-in-school not equal day off? And why are we coming to
the optional tragedy workshop? Clearly nobody else is. Are you not at all curious what
a tragedy workshop looks like? No. It had to be
a heart attack, right? [sighs] Poor guy!
What a tragedy. I know,
think of all the students walking around unguided. [whispers]
Please, Principal Cowher, workshop this tragedy
in our time of need. I can't imagine someone
who looks less warm than her. [whispers] Wanna bet
that at some point she mentions
her master's degree? It's not often as educators that we're faced with
days like these, and obviously,
nothing we learn in college or our master's classes
can prepare us for... for something like this. [sighs] And while this workshop
isn't intended to be a ceremony in any way, I would be remiss
if I didn't mention that... Mr. Chadwick was
a valued member of our staff as well as an admired
guidance counselor. His wisdom here
at Central Rochester High will be greatly missed. If any of you want to talk
about how you're feeling... [Farrah]<i> Obviously becoming the
it-topic isn't rocket surgery.</i> <i> Chisel a bump
off the beak</i> <i> or drop a three-way video.</i> <i> Same result.</i> <i> People talk about you,
and perception is reality.</i> Talk to him if you need to. [Farrah]<i> The key
is managing perception.</i> [cell phones going off] Holy shit! Mr. Chadwick hung himself
in his office last night. [whispers]
I hate The Crotch! Election season is endless.
I long for plain beige walls. [Farrah]<i>
Not even a hanging Chadwick</i> <i> can stop
student council elections.</i> <i> Which means someone
needs my vote.</i> Please, folks,
it's an empty office. Let's keep moving
to our classes. I saw Ilo out there
this morning working Dipankar hard. He should.
Dip's a wildcard. He controls the Indian bloc and
techs half the school's laptops. You know, I heard Ilo secured
the Comicons this morning, and he sat with the Ligbits
at lunch yesterday. What? What could Ilo
possibly promise the LGBTs? Not sure,
but the vote's Thursday. Don't you think we should
make a deal with him before he runs away with it? - [sobbing]
- [Hope] It's okay. Hush. Hope's not going anywhere. Trust me, Miss Theatrics
has a big play coming. I think the question is why haven't we
heard from her yet? She sent me
an email last night. [snickers]
I'm sure I told you. No, you didn't. - My bad.
- [sighs] She wants to meet. [sighs] Chills. It's just too weird Chadwick
killed himself in there. Did you know that Chadwick's
office has a private bathroom? [bell rings] [woman on PA ]<i>
Attention, students.</i> <i> Principal Cowher will have
extended office hours</i> <i> for the remainder of the week.</i> <i> Anyone wishing to schedule
an appointment with her</i> <i> can stop by her office
and sign up today.</i> Can you move
your knapsack? Uh, it's a ball sack,
actually. Supposed to be funny. It's not. It's juvenile
and asinine. [sighs] Sorry. [slams locker] [background chatter] You're always
so mean to that kid. I did him a favor by
recognizing his existence. Let's go. Obviously we have to handle
the situation differently now. I have been dealing with this
Crotch nonsense for 15 years. How are we expected to
govern without secrets? Govern? It's not the White House. Well, it leaks like it. We need to get this kid
under control. He undermines everything
we do around here. Last year, I spent
$2,500 of PTA money to track The Crotch's
IP address. The trail led through Singapore,
Greenland, the Netherlands, and 10 other countries, and at the end of
that crazy convoluted maze, you know where it landed? My laptop! Oh, that kid enjoys
screwing with us. You know,
I really hate it. Hate what? That they're smarter
than us. As superintendent,
I'm telling you, we need to come up
with another plan to take this kid out. If you have an idea,
I'm all in. All right.
Let's talk tomorrow. [phone rings] [sighs] Gabe, did you find out
who the last person was to see Chadwick yesterday? Uh, Jayne Carter. Will you please
bring her down here? Ladies, hello.
How are you? Good? Good. Great! As you know, student elections
are coming up and I just wanted to remind you vote for Hope, and in case you forgot,
I have buttons. Thank you so much.
We need you this campaign. I need you.
All right? Vote for Ilo. Maybe, you know,
I think this would look great on this adorable jacket
of yours. Let's make Rochester
great again, all right? Ladies, make your voice
be heard in this school. Wouldn't you like that? Great! Well, happy knitting. [Farrah]<i>
Bridge is a ruthless game.</i> <i> It's not just dumb luck.</i> <i> To win takes an acute ability
to read people.</i> So, guess who may have been
the last person to see Chadwick alive? How do you know that? Just got back
from Cowher's office. Two club. So, do we
have a scandal? Three diamond. Seems like it. Um, four heart. [Farrah]<i> That split-second eye
meant Jayne With a Y</i> <i> stretched her bridge bid
too far.</i> <i> She went for the overkill
instead of just the kill.</i> <i> Again.</i> Pass. Pass. Pass. Your contract. Let's play some bridge,
bitches. [Farrah]<i> The Y in her name
makes her too aggressive.</i> <i> She has this completely
unmerited superiority complex</i> <i> over Plain J-A-N-E,
which is a weakness</i> <i> in both of their personalities
to exploit.</i> Hurley, stop
staring at Y's rack. You're like Sophia Loren in
that famous picture with, uh... - who was it?
- Jayne Mansfield. You know I was named after her. She had the Y, too. Hmm. Plain,
play your eight of hearts. Ooh, wasted a trump card. [grunts] I figured
the line was too long, so I brought a few over. We're on a cleanse. Okay. Well, that was nice of him. Nice doesn't win our vote. - Vodka?
- [choking] How'd you know? That must have taken five cases
of vodka to pull off. Where'd he get
all that booze from? Where do you think? I'll be right back. [background chatter] Must be pretty important
to get the outdoor treatment. One would assume
you're responsible for the vodka thing. N-n-n-no. Doesn't sound like me. What I don't understand is why would you be
backing Ilo? Of course. You're backing both. Student council runs
11 to 13 school events a year. I would like some influence
in those events. Gotta respect
the business model, Hook. Costs you some cheap vodka
up front and you get an in to all the student
council-run events. I mean, the whole deal
offers someone like you a lot of ways
to make some cash. We made a lemonade stand
together in second grade. Not all that different. So, what did you offer Hope? The Stoners. - That dipshit agreed to that?
- Yeah. [snickers]
It's unprovable. She has no way of knowing
if you delivered or not. Maybe I happened to speak
with her at the exact moment she saw Ilo speaking
privately with the Hipsters. You set her up.
Very slimy. It's actually no slimier
than waiting to back someone until the very end of the race
just so you can leverage the most last-minute
desperation. I wonder who Stacey Moorehead
is voting for. You know, her nose has a higher
Q-rating than you right now. Oh! Just admit it. You also want the president
in your back pocket. You're just waiting on
the best possible deal. I think you're confusing
strategy with apathy. [Stacey]
I suck at cards. I mean, I lose at War. The guys at the summer camp
I worked at this summer tried to make me play strip
poker with them all the time, and I was like, guys, come on.
This is camp. [giggles] I'm sorry. I'm in your seat. Stacey,
did you lose weight? You look...
so different. You know
I got my nose done. Right. [sighs] Yeah, there was
this little blurb about it in The Crotch this morning. I'm sure you saw it,
but I was like, whatever. Well, it is cute
as a little button, and so natural. I forgot what your
old one looked like. What was wrong with it again? Farrah... Oh, right. It had a little bump
right here. And weren't your nostrils
a little different, too? I had a deviated septum. Right. Wink.
Insurance. [laughing] I'm gonna go. - Oh, no!
- Yeah. Hey, good for you for
having the guts to go through major surgery instead of just
living the way that you were. Really brave.
So brave. Bless her heart. <i> [♪]</i> [phone chiming] It's beyond morbid
meeting in here. [phone chimes] They could take the fern down. So, Hope, I heard Ilo teed up
Dipankar Ghosh this morning. First the Comicons,
now the Indians, and I'm hearing
he's moving on the Ligbits. You're getting killed
in the minority vote. Tell me you have a plan. I've got the Knitters
and the Dramas. I've been working
other angles, too. Like who?
The Stoners? Ilo's vodka stunt
just won their drunk asses. The way I see it,
you need me. Obviously. I'm standing in the middle
of suicide office. So... So, I assume you read
that the school - isn't replacing Chadwick.
- And? I want your speech to propose
using last year's budget surplus to turn the scene of
this horrible tragedy into something positive. Like what? A private
handicap bathroom. I get losing the Curry
and Fag blocs are big, but why would I go for
the Retard and Wheelie vote? I mean, that's like two people, and not the most
reliable ones at that. Do you want my vote or not? I don't get it. What do you get from
a handicap bathroom? A place for handicapped people
to go to the bathroom. Come on.
What's the real reason? That's it. Look, I'd love to
make you a deal, but I already
promised it to the band. There's like 20-plus votes
in the woodwinds alone. - How could I just say--
- I get it. The band's
the biggest bloc in school. [phone vibrates] There's got to be
something else that gets us
in bed together. Let me get back to you. - Okay.
- Okay. Bye. [on recording]<i> I get losing the
Curry and Fag blocs are big.</i> Nighty-night, Hope. [Mrs. Cowher] Hey. [Colin] Hey. Before you, uh,
hole up in there to do whatever it is you do... You mean homework? You weren't at
the tragedy workshop today. Yeah. I didn't feel
like I needed to. He wasn't my
guidance counselor. Still, it happened
at our school. I'm not unsympathetic to it. I just-- I didn't feel like
working out my feelings in a room full of people
I barely know. Fair enough. Probably for the best. I didn't have a clue
what to say up there. I'm sure whatever
you said helped. Oh, I know I wanted to say
that thing that would make it better for someone,
but when you think about it, there's really nothing to say. I'm going to go
rest for a minute and then I'll make some dinner. I can go pick something up
for us if you want. Thanks.
I'm not really hungry. I'm just going to make
a little something for you. Mom? You didn't see Chadwick
up there, did you? [sighs] Thank God, no! Any idea why he did it? None. I'm sorry today
sucked so bad. [sighs] Thanks. Me, too. Hey, I love you. I love you, too. <i> [♪]</i> [phone pings] <i> ♪ I love you ♪</i> [phone chiming] <i> ♪ I love you ♪</i> [phone chiming] [phone pings] [Farrah]<i> When it comes to
the balance of power</i> <i> at Central Rochester,</i> <i> having the school wired helps.</i> <i> But sometimes you don't just
need to go to the source.</i> <i> You need to control it.</i> Saint Hope? Really? Someone feeling
a little irrelevant? Not enough chatter
about you today? The Crotch is
not backing Hope. You drew a halo on her head. Fine. You want me
to take Hope down a peg? I will plant a seed tomorrow,
and we can watch it germinate. I'll get you more than a seed
if I get what I want from Ilo. A candlelight vigil? Everybody's gonna think Hope's
like this great person now. I mean, [sighs]
it's a game changer. I'm just pissed
I didn't think of it first. [sighs]
Pull into the garage. Why do I always have to
pull into the garage? Are-- are you embarrassed
that somebody might see my car outside your house? It's called chivalry. Do you realize that there's
not one picture of us on your Instagram? Look, do you want
an online relationship or one in real life? I probably
just lost the election. Can this maybe not be about your feelings
right now, please? I really need
Farrah on my side. And you'll get her. Trust me. Thank you. Now pull in. Are you ever
going to tell me how you figured out
that I'm The Crotch? Uh-uh. What if I tell you
something that will blow the doors
off the school? Now why would I make
that deal when you're clearly
dying to tell me anyway? - It's big.
- How big? - Chamber big.
- Okay. - Last time you said that--
- I know, okay? But this one is worth it. [sighs] [Farrah]<i> When we first
started our unholy alliance,</i> <i> neither of us
trusted that the other</i> <i> wasn't taping our chats.</i> <i> So, Cowher came up with this
chamber of trust solution.</i> <i>He says he read it in some book
which may or may not be true.</i> <i> But what the hell, I'll throw
him a bone, so to speak.</i> <i> Truth is,
I feel bad for Cowher.</i> <i> The kid's socially awkward.</i> <i> I see our setup as a mutually
beneficial charity case.</i> How is Ilo handing
the Hope news? Ask Hurley. She's with him right now
as we speak. What do you mean "with him"? With him with him. It's so cute when they think
they have their secrets. [Colin] How'd you bust her? Find My Phone app. Of course.
You know her password. I know things. That's exactly why
I had my password changed twice a day,
thank you very much. I know that, too. So, are you like,
mad at Hurley? I mean, clearly she thinks
she's manipulating you. I mean, I don't blame her. She's had a lot of
bad luck with dudes. [sighs] Let her have her
quasi-secrets. Open up. Hey, you bought
my conditioner. Yeah. Friends don't let friends
get split ends, right? So, this is what
you think friends do? Stand naked
in the shower together. I'm just saying
we are friends. So, what did you learn that'll blow the doors
off the school? Guess what Mr. Chadwick
was doing when he accidentally
hung himself? You've heard of autoerotic
asphyxiation, right? [Farrah]<i> After hearing
the intimate details</i> <i> of Chadwick's demise</i> <i> and thinking about how
devastated his family would be</i> <i> if they ever found out,</i> <i> walking in to find
my dad's stuff in boxes</i> <i> didn't really faze me.</i> <i> After all,
if he taught me anything</i> <i> it's that if
you don't like the story,</i> <i> change the headline.</i> <i> ♪ Shake the shake the room ♪</i> <i> ♪ Boom boom ohh ♪</i> <i> ♪ Shake the shake the room ♪</i> <i> ♪ Boom boom ohh ♪</i> <i> ♪ Shake the shake the room ♪</i> [Farrah]<i>
The heads turning right now</i> <i> are precisely the same ones</i> <i> who will vote with me
come election day.</i> <i> These are the people
who watch the doors at parties</i> <i> and visit</i> The Crotch<i>
as often as they do TMZ.</i> <i> I fully expect
some of the attention</i> <i>to manifest itself in jealousy.</i> <i> I get why.
It doesn't bother me.</i> <i> It just means
they're still looking.</i> <i> And more important,
still following.</i> [Hope] I organized the vigil. I should get to decide
who speaks at it. It's technically
a school event if it's held on
public school grounds. I demand equal speaking time. <i> ♪ Shake the shake the room ♪</i> <i> ♪ Shake the shake the room ♪</i> <i> ♪ Shake the shake the room ♪</i> Is there gonna be
praying at this thing? 'Cause if so, I'm a no-show. Well, I have to go. I was the last person
to see him alive. I feel like I have
a responsibility to the family. Are you kidding?
Is she kidding? Are we sure
that going tonight isn't going to look like
we're backing Hope? Which we might be. Social decorum
insists we attend. We're not animals. Hey. You have Ilo in your
English class, right? Yeah. Can you do me a favor? This isn't creepy at all. So, did you negotiate yourself
into speaking tonight? Two minutes! Wedged between a harpist
and Saint Hope. You gotta give it to her. Clever play with
the sympathy card. Yet here we are talking terms. So, what do you want from me? You're standing in it. I want you to use
the treasury surplus to turn this into a private
handicap bathroom. Hmmm, and I'll assume
you'll want a key for this handicap bathroom? Perhaps copies for
Hurley and the Jaynes? If that's what
you think it's for. Ah, seems too easy. Why didn't Hope make
that deal with you? She already promised
the space to the band. She got the band, too? [sighs] Oh, I've been working
on those schmucks all week! All right. We'll talk on election day. That's the email
that takes Saint Hope down. You'll know when to
use it tonight. I assume you cut
a deal with Ilo. Hurley will be happy. You're a good friend
when you wanna be. See you at the vigil. [sighs] [bell rings] [people coughing] <i> ...and over every meeting
in his office,</i> <i> I became closer
to Mr. Chadwick.</i> <i> Not just for guidance
but for friendship.</i> <i> In fact, he's the one
who advised me</i> <i> to run for student
council president.</i> <i> Mr. Chadwick, you will
forever be in our hearts</i> <i> here at Central Rochester.</i> <i> And I know wherever you are
hanging up there...</i> <i> You're still guiding us.</i> <i> Thank you.</i> [whispers] I have to go.
My mom just called. Is everything okay? Yeah. I'm sure
it's nothing. - Okay.
- Okay. <i> [clearing throat]</i> <i> Mr. Chadwick
always made time for me.</i> <i> I'd sit across from him
and we'd chat.</i> <i> And he'd never rush me
out of his office.</i> <i> [sniffling]</i> <i> He cared!</i> [sobbing] <i> Let us all join hands.</i> <i> [♪]</i> <i> "My candle burns at both ends.</i> <i> It will not last the night.</i> <i> But ah, my foes,</i> <i> and oh my friends,</i> <i> it gives a lovely light."</i> - Hey.
- Hey. Oh. Before we do this, are you sure
we should post it? It's not just gonna
lose Hope the election. She's about to have
her a capella group sing "See You Again." - Posting now.
- Yeah. Look, look. You just won
yourself a bathroom. [phones chiming] [Hope]<i>
I get losing the Curry</i> <i> and Fag blocs are big,</i> <i> but why would I go for
the Retard and Wheelie vote?</i> <i> I mean, that's like two people</i> <i> and not the most reliable
ones at that.</i> [chatter] <i> I get losing the Curry
and Fag blocs are big,</i> <i> but why would I go for
the Retard and Wheelie vote?</i> <i> I mean,
that's like two people</i> <i> and not the most
reliable ones at that.</i> Isn't power a rush? <i> I get losing the Curry
and Fag blocs are big,</i> <i> but why would I go for
the Retard and Wheelie vote?</i> <i> I mean,
that's like two people</i> <i> and not the most
reliable ones at that.</i> [snickers] Okay. Holy crap, Stacey! I just won the election. Yeah, you did. [giggles] Come here. [phone chiming] I feel bad for the Chadwicks. You know,
knowing what we know. Everyone
has their secrets. Yeah, but if he was
into that, imagine all the other
perverted stuff he was up to. Mrs. Chadwick must have
been willfully blind. Hmm, you never know. I mean, he could have kept
his kink totally separate. Pursue any weirdness
at the office, far from where he tucks
his kiddies in at night with their stuffed animals. [snickers] <i> [♪]</i> Do you have a key for
the faculty offices on you? Always. [Colin] Okay. I'm feeling
very skin-crawly about this. Forty-eight hours ago, a man
hung himself in this room. No way! A camera? What was he doing? Let's go! Wait! No.
Okay, we cannot take that. They will notice it's gone. We'll return it later. Okay, but... Colin! Okay. [Ilo] I won! [laughter] [kisses] I'm the president. [chuckles] [sighs] Oh, I screwed up! I knew that prick
was using Hurley and I did nothing
to stop it. Well, we already killed Hope, so Ilo's got
the election sewn up. At least you're getting
your bathroom, right? Not like this I'm not! Bake sale,
bake sale, bake sale. Community bake sale? No. But definitely a bake sale. Remind me never to
screw with you. Female cause. No.
Animal, animal. Yes, yes, yes! Okay. Where were you? What are you looking for?
I'll help you. I'm looking for her. Who is that? Grace Ho, our next
student council president. Music featured in this episode
of<i> Youth and Consequences:</i> <i>♪ Who you're gonna have to be ♪</i> <i> ♪</i> Manner of speaking ♪ <i> ♪ I don't think
we'll be speaking at all ♪</i> <i> [woman singing in French]</i> <i> ♪ Boom boom ohh ♪</i> <i> ♪ Shake the shake the room ♪</i> <i> ♪ Boom boom ohh ♪</i> <i> ♪ Shake the shake the room ♪</i> <i> ♪ Shake the shake the room ♪</i> <i> ♪ Shake the shake the room ♪</i>
