All Cats are Black

Shall I be completely truthful? My biggest wish through life or shall I say my biggest regret is that I was not born beautiful. There... I've said it. There was nothing I could do to please my mother. It didn't matter what trophy I took home from school. I wasn't beautiful. I wasn't a physical adjunct to her. I remember once when we went out to the theatre. My father was driving, my mother was next to him. And I leant forward and I caught sight of myself in the driving mirror. And I said 'I'm looking quite pretty tonight, aren't I mum'. And she turned and look at me over her shoulder and she said 'Well...' 'All cats are black at night'. That was that. I spent my childhood surviving by being probably aggressive probably sarcastic hurtful. And my thoughts were not kind thoughts. Where would kindness come from? Where would I have found kindness? I was mean spirited because I had... I had... I had no love. I had no love. I had an experience in my 40's. I was walking my dog home and there was one of those sandwich boards out on the pavement. It had three words on it in strong black type. And all it said was WHO AM I? Those words went through me like a knife. I realised I'd become a person I didn't like at all. I wasn't nice. And no wonder I felt alone and unloved. I had absolutely no sense of what I was doing to people by the way I was behaving or by the way I spoke. I felt that I had mishandled my life and my self and my relationships. My emotional life was a complete and utter disaster. It wasn't until my mid 60's that I realised I had an awful lot to deal with. I had to acknowledge what I'd done and who I'd done it to. And that unless I could change my life wouldn't be worth living. It was a very, very emotional and difficult thing for me to realise. You need to find out who you are and why you are the way you are. It's not easy, believe me. It's not easy. Oh, what a journey, what a journey. And I do also believe that until you reach the bottom the rock bottom of belief in yourself and your life and what you've done and who you are you won't be able to climb out of it because it's a lifetime of digging in the negative aspects. Painting is a simile for life. If you go to it and you're afraid it doesn't happen. It won't work. It won't work for you. So you have to lose your fear. You have to know, inside you that this is what you should be doing. And you also have to treat it with respect. I often look back and think why didn't this happen sooner? Why did I have to wait till I was 65 to discover it? I think the answer has to be that we make our own lives. And I took so many wrong turnings. When we take a wrong turning we have to wait till we find the right road and until we're ready to take that road. And it took me to 65. Hopefully it'll take other people much less. Why don't I just shrivel up and become a grumpy old woman as I'm suppose to, you mean? I think part of it has to do with my love of beauty. Life is beautiful. Life is amazing. And the important things are not how one looks but how one is able to connect to other people and the world around one. I don't have a black hole in me anymore. And compared to what I was I think I'm at peace. The last twenty years have been the best of my life. There's no question about that. I will regret less going to my grave should I say than I would have done 20 or 30 years ago. I think I would like something like 'I tried' written on my tombstone. I did try... I have tried... and I am still trying. Thanks to all of you who helped make this film possible. All of our films are totally crowd funded. So if you'd like to continue to support us on our journey check out our Green Renaissance page on Patreon.

Channel: Green Renaissance

Views: 95,551

Rating: 4.9852605 out of 5

Keywords: green renaissance, sharing ideas, inspiring change, inspire, inspiration, art, artist, south africa, cape town, hermanus, paint, jenny, jackson, portrait, all cats are black, waves, rocks, love, peace, acceptance, who am i, aggressive, mean, i tried

Id: dK2km_x9-as

Length: 8min 28sec (508 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 28 2019