-I was on YouTube this morning when I came across
this fascinating video about migrating
tree frogs who -- [ Sniffing ] [ Laughter ] Wait, I could be wrong here,
but I think I smell some smoke, and that can only
mean one thing. It's time for "Ya Burnt." ♪♪ Welcome to the burn zone. We got a lot of topics to sizzle
through and not a lot of time. Over here is the burner. Let's turn on the gas
and load her up. Whoo!
Snoochie-boochies! First up, vaccine cards. Vaccine cards! I waited a year
to leave my house, and all I get is this lousy
off-brand flash card? This is more anticlimactic
than this year's Oscars. Side burn -- Oscars. -Side burn! -Here's your proof
of vaccination, and since it's so important,
we made sure to print it on the same paper
as a Bagel Boss punch card. -Buy ten, get none free. -But don't worry. We made sure the card
was just a little too big to fit in your wallet
without folding and flimsy enough that,
when you fold it, you're pretty sure
it'll fall apart. And now I guess I'll just carry
it around in my wallet forever like that free condom I got
in high school health class. -Seth, you should
throw that away. -Never! It reminds me of the first time
I didn't have sex. And what if I lose
the vaccine card? Will I die? Even worse, will I get
turned away at Trader Joe's? Vaccine cards, it's a good thing I got
my second dose already, 'cause ya burnt! "Citizen Kane," you recently
lost your ranking as the number-one movie
of all time on Rotten Tomatoes to "Paddington 2." How does it feel to lose to a dumbass British bear
in galoshes? -Technically he's from Peru. -And if you're at home right now thinking of watching
"Citizen Kane," it's a sled. There, I saved you two hours that you can spend doing
something more productive, like watching "Paddington 2." "Citizen Kane" only has
two colors, zero bears, and not a single Hugh Grant
song-and-dance number. "Citizen Kane" is the kind
of movie loved by film snobs trying to look smart
to get laid. Well, there's only one type
of "laid" I'm interested in, and that's marmalade. And now there's "Mank,"
a new black-and-white movie about how they made the first
black-and-white movie. No, "Mank" you. -You're "melcome." -"Citizen Kane," just like the
sled at the end of that movie, ya rose-burnt. Philly accents. Hey, Philly accents, I hate
to whiz on your hoagie, but you're something
we could all do without. You're the grossest
regional dialect. You make Boston sound like
the Queen's English. And why do youse talk like dat? Are you mad you can't get
good "beggles" in Philly because of the "wooder"? Or is your tongue burnt
from licking the scrapple pan? I'll be honest,
I hope Mare of Easttown never catches this murderer so he can off
a few more of you people. Philly accents,
time to get up outta this john, because youse burnt. The CDC -- you keep switching up
the rules on us. Does CDC stand for
Changes Decisions Constantly? Can't Decide Crap? Just tell me, CDC, do I wear a mask outside or not? In a car?
In a bar? In a hat?
With a cat? Seriously, CDC,
what are the rules here? What if I'm vaccinated
but my cousin's not but he's six feet away from me inside a screened-in
outdoor porch but he's a mouth breather and I can still smell
that he just ate an onion? You got a pneumonic device
for that? CDC, you can kiss my A-S-S,
because ya burnt. Hitler's sex life. New reports have come out
about Hitler's sex life, and apparently he was
into some freaky [bleep] So buckle up, Hitler, because we finally got some dirt
on you, bud. Who could have guessed
this guy had unresolved issues? I did "Nazi" that coming.
[not see] -I see what you did there,
and I like it. -Apparently, Hitler liked it when women urinated on him
during sex. And let me guess, CNN can't get
ahold of that tape, either? And from the photos I've seen, Hitler also liked
being pissed off. [ Laughter ] Hitler, while you're
down in hell getting a hot poker shoved
up your ass for all eternity, try not to enjoy it so much. Ya burnt! Graduation caps and gowns. It's gonna be 95 degrees, and everyone has to sit
in the sun for several hours. I've got an idea. Let's cover them head to toe
in your cheapest black polyester so they can roast in their
own juices like an Instant Pot. Also, that cap has four
deadly sharp corners on it, so everyone make sure to
blindly fling it up in the air when you're done. Less competition
in the job market. Seriously, who looks good
in a cap and gown? I bet the guy who came up
with this look was like, "I can't believe they
[bleep] fell for it." But seriously,
congratulations, graduates. You finished school, and it's
time to embark on your new life in, I'm guessing from your
outfit, the year 1540. Graduation caps and gowns, time to go to the back
of the closet forever, because ya burnt. People who got COVID twice,
what is wrong -- [ Buzzer ]
Oh! That buzzer means
we're out of time. I guess I'll have to find fault
with some of you unlucky SOBs the next time out. This has been "Ya Burnt."
