Why You Have No Friends... | Simon Sinek

are you a good friend are you a good friend to your friends are your friends good to you you know who do you do you call people when you are stuck and down or do you make Tik Tok videos by yourself which you know and you get I mean literally people who are depressed make Tik Tok videos by themselves I don't know how many times they re-shoot that either to post it to get the validation for their feelings but to call a friend and say the same thing you're struggling with is actually more difficult why doesn't the industry exist because typically we take it for granted yeah yeah so the demand isn't there for those kinds of things but that's what that's the problem which is I think the demand is is is is there and we don't realize it right like we know that our relationships fail and our marriages fail so there's an entire industry to help us maintain better relationships well friendships fail and we think we have friends yet we still struggle and feel lonely if you have good friendship you will not feel lonely you may have moments of loneliness and in those periods you will pick up the phone and say friend I need you I'm lonely and your friends will be there you will feel not alone right or um and you and I've talked about this about you will feel that someone will get in the mud with you and I think the problem is we don't give intention to Friendship we so think about it and you and I are both guilty of this in fact I would argue that everybody's guilty of this which is we've got plans booked with a friend let's call it a lunch a work thing comes up we call up the friend I got to work thing and the reason we keep bumping our friends is cuz they'll understand they're our friends so why aren't we prioritizing our friendships why aren't we saying to the work thing I'm sorry I've got a thing I've got if we had another meeting we would say sorry I've I've got an appointment I can't make it so why don't we treat our friends with the same intentionality that we treat any other meeting so one of the things that will did for a friend that I thought was genius brilliant beautiful will gadera who I'm writing the book with um Will's friend's dad died um will texted him and said uh I feel for you I know what you're going through I lost my mom at an early age um I'm sure you're being inundated with calls and texts so I'm not going to call you today but what I will do is I will call you every single day at 9:45 a.m. do not feel obligated to pick up I don't mind if you don't but when you're ready know that I'm calling you and for the next I think it was 3 months 8 months something he called every single day at 9:45 a.m. and for the first week his friend didn't pick up at all and then after the first week he picked up every day and they talked every day for months like think about the intentionality that somebody who loves and cares about you so much that they will call you every single day at 9:45 just so that you can see their name pop up on the caller ID to know that you're not alone I mean it can it brings me to tears just thinking about it like how many of us are are that good a friend you know I want friends like that here's a good question like what's a friend like what makes a good friend like I don't even know if we have a definition of that you know I've been asking people and somebody said to me well somebody who's there for you in you know to support you in the hard times that's a real friend right and I got thinking and I talked to somebody else she has a friend who she calls Mr shoden Freud because he seems to love when things go wrong so in hard times he's always there he's always there in hard times he's got he the shoulder to lean on he's giving advice but in Good Times he's nowhere to be seen and so what what happens is it creates this horrible sort of codependent relationship ship that you want to keep the hard times because that wonderful human being is always there so you never want to let go and you become codependent and so you realize that there's something called a fair weathered friend who's only there in the good times but be equally cynical and suspicious of the foul weathered friends who's only there in the hard times because somehow it makes them feel good about themselves but they're not there for the good times and so you realize what's the what's the value of good time versus bad time so yes yes you and I have friends that in hard times we would call them but I would bet money that you have even fewer friends that you want to text out of the blue and say I won an award right think about that like if something goes wrong I've got a group of friends probably I've probably got a you know a dozen people I could say and say I need your help things have gone horribly wrong I I need your advice but if something amazing happens to me that number probably shrinks down to four that I'm going to text out of the blue and go something amazing happened today and not feel like I'm bragging not feel like I'm trying to overwhelm them or prove them that I'm better than them but knowing that they will be so happy for me and so I've started thinking that maybe a friend isn't just the person who's there for you in the hard times but the person you can go to in the great times think about that I have fewer friends that I can go to when things go perfectly than I would go to when things go wrong so are those my true friends so this is on the journey I'm on I'm trying to understand what friend means and I'm trying to understand the responsibility we have to look after those friends um you look at all the longevity studies you know all the Blue Zone work sure they eat healthy sure they walk a lot but they also eat with each other whereas you look at some of the people who are promoting sort of longevity and all of those bioh hacks and how you have to exercise the certain way and eat the certain way you'll find a lot of them are pretty unhappy people and pretty lonely people I don't think they're going to live very long right so here's a crazy crazy one here's a crazy crazy one physiologically right what are the most important organs to keep strong for longevity like we know the data right so I'll tell you what they are right number one heart obviously that makes perfect sense right you got to have a healthy heart if you want to live a long time right second one lungs got to have healthy lungs to live a long time cardio and all the rest of it right don't smoke like we know that makes perfect sense you know what the third most important organ is I didn't know I was going to say the brain but the thighs thigh muscles are the are the so if you have a healthy heart healthy lungs and healthy thighs statistically you're more likely to live longer I know I said the same thing thighs do you want to know why because historically thighs are the most important muscle responsible for what motion walking right not exercise Social going to visit your friends before there were cars before there were trains we had to walk to go visit our friends and so people who are mobile if you're more mobile you're more likely to main friend maintain friendships which means you're likely to live longer so the three most important organs to keep healthy historically as human beings heart lungs and thighs for Mobility thighs for sociability which I think is amazing that we never thought about so all of these things that you know technology is interrupted um mass transportation you know uh Tech social media all of these things they've interrupted our ability to make friends proper friends where you can look each other in the eye you and I could do this over Zoom it wouldn't feel the same but you the macro so the remote work culture the rise in as you say screens and phones optimizing interaction out of our Lives I mean like you know if you think about social networking or Uber Eats or I don't know deliveroo um you you're living your life behind a screen in White Walls now and it's it feels like it's becoming harder and harder and harder to make friends also to find someone romantic but to make friends in fact what's the interesting thing is sometimes when I come off stage I'll have it's always young men come up to me and they'll get right up in my personal space and I go this is strange and then they'll say something to me like um how do I make friends and they and I I respect them so much for saying it because I can see how difficult it is for them to utter that those words and I reflect on it I was doing something at Canary Warf and a kid in the front row in a crowd of 500 people they're all wearing suits cuz they're working in the corporate world he's surrounded by 500 of his peers his age in the front row past the microphone his question to me on stage is how do I make friends yeah and there's 499 people sat next to him that are his age Y and he's asking in the front row how do I make friends and I it was so moving because you know looking looking down on that individual surrounded by people I'm like well you know you the brain the simple brain goess what'll just turn to the person next you introduce yourself but clearly that was not not the answer because if it was so simple he would just do that and you said something interesting as well which I think maybe overlays with that which is that we've kind of like lost the art or the skill of making friends yeah what would you have said to that kid so I'll tell you by way of a story oh I would answer that so A friend of mine was uh struggling uh her career it wasn't going as well as she' wanted and her marriage was in a bad place so in other words when it rains at po like she couldn't get a break right and she was in a really bad place and so she knows what I do for a living so she said she asked me can you help can I come and talk to you and get some advice and I said of course and so we had a standing Wednesday meeting get together we got together every Wednesday for 90 minutes and she would tell me what was going on in her life I gave her some advice she felt amazing when she left me it lasted about 2 days and then she'd go back into her slump and then we get together the next Wednesday she'd feel amazing for about two days and she'd go back into Islam and this went on for months this was our pattern right so I thought I was doing good work and then it then I just rinse and repeat right then I remembered my own work and I remembered Alcoholics Anonymous which is the final step the 12th step is service helping somebody who's struggling with the problem you're struggling with right is the way to to actually help you overcome your problem so I I have struggles I have needs I have um uh insecurities and I don't have a safe Outlet to talk to so I she's one of my closest friends in the world I trust her implicitly so I said to her can I need the coaching as well can we split our time 45 minutes for me 45 minutes for you she agreed and it was I was I knew what I was doing right there was kind of an experiment happening which I didn't let on which is I want wanted her to help me as a way of helping herself and so what end up happening was it it ceased to be 4545 I we got together and for 90 minutes we talked about me and then the next Wednesday we got together and for 90 minutes we talked about me and then we got together and for 90 minutes we talked about me and within about three or four weeks her life was ful on back on track fully back on track because when you help someone with a thing that you were struggling with you actually end up solving your own problems and so what I would say to that kid is find somebody who's struggling to make a friend and help them make a friend make it an act of service because fundamentally if we dig down deep the the true skill that we've lost is service we've overemphasized taking over giving we've overemphasized selfish over selfless selfish is important taking is important but not at the expense of giving um and not the expense of serving if you love the dver CEO brand and you watch this Channel please do me a huge favor become part of the 15 % of the viewers on this channel that have hit the Subscribe button it helps us tremendously and the bigger the channel gets the bigger the guests

Channel: The Diary Of A CEO Clips

Views: 115,218

Keywords: the diary of a ceo, podcast, the diary of a ceo podcast, life lessons, ceo, Steven Bartlett, Steve Bartlett, life advice, doac, diary of a ceo, diary of a ceo clips, Steve Bartlett Podcast

Id: 98tEHRQGN1Q

Length: 12min 21sec (741 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 17 2024