Transcriber: aknv tso
Reviewer: Nauka N. Prasadini Silence can be so strange. We're not used to it anymore. 20 years ago, we were still writing
letters to one another. Sometimes we wouldn't
hear back for months. Now, we read an email in the morning and
expect to hear back by the afternoon. Or on the same time period,
we called one another. You didn't know who was
on the other line before you answered, and sometimes,
they couldn't leave a message. Today we get sent a message instantly. We can even see the exact moment
someone's read our message. Oh, look. Message read five minutes ago. Why haven't they gone back to me yet? Communication back then
was a bit more slow. More analog. We live in a much different world today. See, our brains are highly adaptable,
a quality known as neuroplasticity. Repeated behaviors in our brain
can strengthen certain pathways. And if our behavior is consistently
lean towards impatience due to the influence of technology, it can result in reshaping
these pathways over time. Making our impatience
more of a default setting. Social media and other
communication platforms often leverage dopamine-driven
feedback loops. So anything like a text message, an email, a like or a comment on social media, scrolling through short form videos,
or any notification on your phone. These can release small
amounts of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with
pleasure, reward, and motivation. When we come to expect
these quick hits of pleasure, it can make waiting for longer term
rewards feel much less appealing. Advancement in technology
has literally rewired our brains. Making us less patient and
more demanding of the immediate. With all this change
happening in our brains, we now feel the need
to respond fast, to communicate quickly. We speak before we think. We use awful filler words. We answer a message
when we don't want to. And sometimes we say things
we just don't mean. It's almost as if we've lost
the art of communication. And the answer, the solution to all these problems, is to embrace silence. But wait. Silence? Isn't silence awkward? After all, we are social creatures. We're meant to communicate. We're meant to share ideas
with one another. We're meant to be social. We communicate all day long. And so when something causes us
to break this communication, we perceive it as being awkward. When we're sitting at dinner and
no one's talking, suddenly it's awkward. Or if we don't hear from someone for
a few hours or for a few days, we think something bad has happened. Or we're on the phone
and we hear silence, suddenly we think maybe they've hung up. Hello? Hello, are you there? Can you hear me? Who does that? What if they're just thinking? In a famous Harvard study, people were asked to sit
for 15 minutes in a room with nothing but their thoughts. Complete silence for 15 minutes. The only allowable option to break
the silence was to press a button that would send a jolt of
electricity throughout their body. Sit in silence or be electrocuted? Each participant had experienced
the same shock prior to the start of the 15 minute timer, so they all knew exactly
what it felt like, and even said they would pay money
to avoid getting shocked again. Yet nearly 50% of the people said... and nearly 50% of the people pressed
the button, they shocked themselves. Imagine that. Getting electrocuted versus
sitting in silence for 15 minutes. Which would you choose? People are uncomfortable in silence. We look to break silence
whenever we feel a void. Silence doesn't have to be
awkward or painful. In fact, silence is the key to
being a master communicator. Now, I know that might seem like
a little too simple of an idea. We should all know how
to be silent, right? Well, it turns out that's
not exactly the case. In 2019, I threw an event for my business
in Greenwich, Connecticut. We had a DJ. We passed hors d'oeuvres. People were dancing.
Everyone was having a great time. The event was incredibly successful. There was a small charity
component to the event. So I grabbed the microphone, I hopped on stage to thank
everyone for attending. I had my friends record it
for me on my phone so I could post it
to social media later. When I finish this speech, which,
by the way, was phenomenal, I ran to my phone, excited to watch it,
excited to posted to social media. But when I played back the video. I
heard something very embarrassing. Uh, like, um. Like, uh... I had said all these
ridiculous filler words over and over again. Oh, I was mortified.
Why was I doing this? We all do this. Sometimes we just don't realize it. What if, instead of using a filler word,
we just said nothing at all? For the past four years,
I've dedicated much of my free time exploring this idea of silence. I've sought out answers
to questions like: How can silence benefit our lives? How can silence benefit
our communication and our relationships? What does silence even mean? To answer these questions,
I interviewed dozens of experts, ranging from speech language pathologist, neurologists, and even
FBI hostage negotiators. In my interview with
a speech language pathologist with over 30 years
of experience in her field, I learned so many fascinating things
about speech and communication. One common theme that
speech language pathologist find is that people typically don't give
their communication partner enough time to respond. They teach to make
strong eye contact, and to look your communication
partner in the face, to pick up on cues when it's okay
to start speaking again. Very simple techniques. But in today's modern age
of communication... Well, it's nearly impossible to do
that over text, over an email, and it's even sometimes challenging to
do over a phone call or a video call. A great amount of miscommunication
happens via non-traditional methods. Via modern methods, when emphasis on tone and
facial expressions are entirely absent. Another thing that speech
language pathologist teach, another technique, is to imagine
you're holding a talking ball. When you're done talking, you throw it
to your communication partner, and you don't start speaking until
they throw it back to you. Well, there is no internet talking ball. We don't have a cue on when the ball
has been thrown back or when the ball's been dropped. Perhaps the most interesting thing
I learned from speech language pathology, is that silence is learned, not innate. That means we're born being bad listeners. And if silence is learned,
that means it's a skill. Somewhat of its own language. Something we need to practice
and get better at. For always speaking,
then we're not listening. Silence gives someone permission
to say what they want. Silence gives someone permission to say
what they want. Think about that. There's another really unique skill that
utilizes silence and communication as an advantage. I interviewed an FBI hostage negotiator. I was curious to learn what
communication techniques were used in such a tense environment, where every word you said mattered, and sometimes the words you didn't say
were even more important. In hostage negotiation,
the primary objective is to make sure hostages are safe and to resolve the situation peacefully. Thus, effective communication is critical. But what kind of communication? A hostage taker has demands, and oftentimes it takes someone
with incredibly strong willpower to just be quiet and
let the person speak. Thus, silence is a critical component
of hostage negotiation. We all know that silence
is learned and not innate, and a hostage taker might reveal
more information they initially hadn't intended on revealing
during the silence. Silence can also show that
the hostage negotiator is calm, patient, and in total control of their emotions, which can help de-escalate
a tense situation. Silence gives the hostage negotiator
complete control. Imagine for a second if you communicated
like a hostage negotiator, where every word you said mattered. Where perfectly timed silences
gave you an advantage. You don't have to be a hostage negotiator
to apply these skills to your own life. At the end of the day,
people just want to be heard. Being silent and paying astute attention
to what the other person is saying will allow you to use the information
they give you to craft better responses. Listen, everyone.
We're not robots. We're not meant to respond and
communicate at the speed of light. Certainly not at the speed
of modern communication. The modern technology. Communication is not a race. When used properly, silence gives us
the power that we need to be better speakers,
better listeners. It allows the ones closest to us
to share their feelings. It allows us the ability to think about
what we're going to say before we say
something we don't mean. So the next time you feel yourself
about to use an awful filler word, or the next time you find yourself feeling the pressure to respond
to a message or an email, or the next time you find... the urge to break
an awkward silence. Embrace the silence. (Applause)
