How to fight loneliness: Everyday hacks for a connected life | Juliana Schroeder | TEDxMarin

[Music] if you're anything like me you've had moments in life when you feel incredibly lonely imagine if you felt that crushing loneliness every single day well an estimated 44 million Americans this year reported exactly that leading the US Surgeon General to confirm what we already feel we're in a loneliness epidemic the Paradox of loneliness is that people who are lonely don't want others to think there's something wrong with them so they further isolate themselves creating a cycle of loneliness its invisibility is part of what makes it so Insidious some of my own loneliest moments occurred strangely while I was surrounded by people I had just started my first full-time job post colle and it was sapping away all of my energy I'd wake up early while it was still dark out load up on coffee and Dread and ride the rush hour commuter train packed into my seat like a sardine with people on every side of my body I felt detached from everyone around me almost as though I was floating just outside the train looking through the window at myself but instead of alleviating that detach by turning to the person sitting next to me and saying hi I usually spent my commute scrolling through social media on my phone taking solace in digital Daydreams that painful commute led to one good thing it motivated me to become a psychology researcher and spend my career studying the Dynamics of social interaction I became fascinated with understanding my own irrational Behavior why did I spend day after day perpetuating my loneliness even though I was literally surrounded by opportunities to lessen it on that train I was faced with the same fundamental social Choice all humans have faced since the dawn of time should we connect with others or avoid them unlike for our earlier ancestors avoidance is easier for us than ever before in history thanks to Modern technological advances instead of commuting into work to chat with our co-workers we're sitting alone in Home Offices begging for no meeting Fridays instead of going to the grocery store and commiserating with our neighbors in the checkout line about the rising price of eggs we're ordering delivery online avoidance feels convenient but it carries An Inconvenient consequence research has found that sustained loneliness is as bad for your physical health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day or rarely exercising our loneliness epidemic is a Public Health crisis instead of engaging in the healthy social exercise of connecting with other people in real life too often we're binging on internet junk food our hyper Connection in the virtual world is facilitating disconnection in the human world so how do we fight this loneliness epidemic I've discovered some simple ways in my research to not feel so alone Let's Travel together to another commuter train just like the one where I felt disconnected from everyone around me but this time I wasn't there to ride the train I was there to run an experiment on it for my PhD in Psychology with my brilliant adviser Nick Epley we wanted to test whether avoiding others is really the choice that makes people happiest for this experiment I asked one group of train riders to sit in solitude during their commute and I asked another group of train riders to do something very different than usual to try to connect with someone else on the train I also asked a separate group of train rers to just imagine doing those things and predict what it would be like so let's take a look at the results it may not surprise you that the predictors expected that having to talk with a stranger on the train would lead them to have the least positive commuting experience that would bring them the least happiness and it would be the least pleasant but what actually happened to those people told to talk to someone else on the train something very unexpected according to their own survey data they reported having the most positive commute the exact opposite of what the predictors expected so why do the predictors get it wrong why do people choose to avoid each other if theyd be happy or connecting one reason our research finds is that people tend to overestimate the social risk of connecting with others particularly with strangers as just one example our participants estimated that more than half of other train writers would reject them if they tried to talk but our data suggests that's very wrong in reality almost everyone in our data set who tried to talk reported that the other person did respond back I think of it as the rule of reciprocity and social interaction people tend to give what they get if someone says hi to you you typically say hi right back this Insight points to a remedy for loneliness rather than retreating into our screens when we're surrounded by people we can take advantage of the almost unlimited opportunities for genuine connection that exist all around us the data suggest it's not as risky as we think and if you choose to connect with someone not only can It give you a much needed mood boost it can also do the same for them of course comb is loneliness involves more than just forming new connections it also requires deepening our existing connections with our colleagues friends and loved ones to establish a deeper connection with someone um you have to openly exchange your mental contents with each other talk about your thoughts feelings beliefs and desires we scientists call this process a conversation unfortunately too often our conversations are shallow devoid of intimacy and understanding many of us go weeks without having meaningful conversation instead subsisting on superficial small talk like what we ate for dinner last night my and other scientists research has identified another important factor that affects the quality of our conversations the medium of communication did you you know that more than half of young people's social interactions today occur via text based media emailing texting direct messaging I mean I get it I I also love to text it feels so easy but the problem with texting is that it lacks the humanizing cues needed for deeper insight into another person's mind words heard via the human voice convey the language of mind more vividly Than Words read on a screen consider what you're learning about my mind as you listen to my voice right now my tone volume Cadence all of those things are giving you deeper insight into not just what I'm saying but what I'm meaning to say the Mind behind my words and in expressing my mind my voice is subtly singal my deeper Humanity this humanizing power of voice has been Illustrated in a series of experiments across many different situations from recruiters perceiving job candidates to be more mindful if they can hear their elevator pitch then read their cover letter to political opponents having more open and receptive conversations if they speak to each other than if they write to each other to people be more successful at reconnecting in with their old friends if they call them up on the phone than if they email with them across all these contexts speaking appears to be a superior means of connecting why is that so we we've identified at least three reasons first it changes how your words are understood even the exact same words will be evaluated differently when they're heard via the sound of a person's voice than when they're read second it changes which words you choose to use people tend to say very different things particularly more intimate and receptive things when they speak to each other than when they write to each other and third it changes how words are exchanged speaking typically is more synchronous than writing which means one person's words occur immediately before the other person's reactions that close Connection in time allows two people to share their mental content back and forth more effectively in fact research suggests that as two people are talking with each other they're quite literally sinking their brain waves the neurological evidence of their psychological alignment and their heart rates the cardiovascular evidence of their connectedness according to those data how you choose to connect with someone else matters a live voice to voice conversation facilitates deeper human-to-human connection knowing what I know now I wish I could go back uh to that lonely train ride years ago it wouldn't be easy but I'd make a different choice I turn to the person saying next to me make eye contact and say something like hi I hope we can survive the hell of Rush Hour together look even with a really awkward opening line like that the data still suggests the other person is likely to say hi back in my own journey toward trying to become a little less lonely I've learned that there will always be moments when I just want to ghost everyone after all Solitude is one wonderful sometimes but loneliness is a very different animal combating loneliness means making the deliberate choice to connect even when all you want to do is avoid because we now know that living in the real social world is psychologically and physically a far healthier choice whether it's simply saying hi to someone new on the train at the grocery store store or on a hike or talking to your loved one by picking up the phone rather than texting or emailing these choices might feel small but in aggregate they have the power to change us from feeling lonely to feeling connected I'll close with the words of philosopher daaku aett who put it so well he said there is no true joy and a life lived closed up in the little shell of the self when you take one step to reach out to people your life can be transformed and instead of saying thank you I'll just say [Applause] [Music] hello

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 36,488

Keywords: Acceptance, Behavior, Communication, English, Happiness, Life, Mental health, TEDxTalks, [TEDxEID:48919]

Id: J509AZl7bHY

Length: 12min 51sec (771 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 27 2023