Why Rushing Into Relationships Hurts You in the End

rushing the timeline on a relationship even a good one can have terrible consequences down the line in fact relationships with good people that were never really a match for you can be the hardest to leave if you don't leave you run the risk of spending your life feeling unfulfilled not in love and missing out on the life expanding and soul-enriching experiences of being with someone with whom you are well-matched my letter today is from a woman i'll call tessa who writes hi anna i've been in a two-year relationship and i've been having such a hard time connecting emotionally to my girlfriend the weird part is that it wasn't always this way in the beginning i felt like it was love i was always expressive about my emotions and was very happy that i had finally found someone who made me feel this way after having not felt anything for anyone in five years even though i dated and slept with many women okay i'm going to circle a couple things it's a short letter i'm going to read it through i'll come back and talk about some of the things i circled and see if i can help tessa okay however it seemed after she and i moved in together which i admit was pretty fast after five months my feelings started to change as i felt something was missing in the relationship my first complaint to her was that we don't talk enough even though we did talk i guess i never felt satisfied with the topics of conversation then i started to complain of boredom because we never argue interesting and then i started to blame it all on her for not having any interest she basically just goes to work and comes home and yet with all this said i still try because my girlfriend is so perfect on paper i noticed a few red flags within myself i don't understand why i was complaining about a relationship that was so stable she is loyal and devoted and always tries to understand me when i have these moments of dissatisfaction is it me or am i just not that into her all right tessa this is a good question i think it's really common for people you know in fairyland here so let's go through it you said it's a two-year relationship and you're not able to connect emotionally so that's a quality question because so many of us who are traumatized as kids we struggle to connect emotionally even under the best of circumstances but we do this other thing that i saw you do we rush into relationships so i know like a lot of people they fall in love and they move in and that's normal i've done it in the past but gosh it costs a lot to do that very rarely could you rush into a relationship and it just magically works out like we can all think of such couples yeah they knew right away and it worked but you know we're the people with cptsd it behooves us to take more time with that exactly because of this so there were a couple of like tells here about how your trauma might have been playing into this so you thought it was weird that you would lose interest after the first five months but you know what that's really common it's really common the first part of our relationship it's so exciting you know there's all this lust and living together is another thing living together is all the dishes and laundry and and grouchy moods and you can't really like compose this persona for another person and you get to see how they really are too and so that's one reason why i would recommend that living together without a serious commitment it's um i just don't recommend it for people with cptsd so you know i don't tell everybody else what to do you may not have it as bad as me but in the end for me because i had the attachment wound that i had to rush into these relationships then i had the abandonment wound that meant that i wouldn't leave i just wasted a lot of years in relationships i really didn't belong in or want to be in or that were just outright awful and i did it you know again and again and the lesson i took from that is not to do that i did not move in together until i was getting married with my husband so that that solved that but if that's too tall an order i would just say five months not enough never less than 12 to 18 months let's put it that way i don't think anybody can really make a lucid commitment to another person in less time so that's that would be just one yardstick you could use so then you say um i was so happy that i finally found somebody who made me feel this way so i just want to point out that while you hadn't felt this way in five years and feeling that way was exciting and you were happy about it and i get all of that it's not a good reason to be with somebody moving in with somebody or making a big commitment to them can't just be about how they make you feel it's really about like what you're willing to give them what you you know with like sober thinking and thoughtfulness and time that you really can make a logical and wise decision you know what yes i do want to take it make a commitment to this person i spent time getting to know them i care about them i want to help them have the happiest life possible and i just really encourage you to look at relationships not that way not just not just what you can get out of it and this is not for you personal or anything it's just like for everybody it's something i learned that trying to look at it like oh great i'll get i'll get the thing that i always was lacking i'll get the thing i want yeah that's part of it but the most important thing is yes this is a person that i really want to give to when i got married and you know i've been married twice and the first time was kind of a hasty thing the second time was the one i called my real marriage but we we gave it a lot of thought we got a lot of support for making the decision we did a lot of work to sort of surface like what are our concerns about this how are we different about stuff and you're not saying you're looking to get married i don't know if you are but moving in together is something very much like that where you want that compatibility where you have compatibility about common values about like you know who should do what what is money for what are your roles with each other how crazy is the other person how willing are you to stand by them when they're crazy shows are they going to be there for you when you're crazy shows and i say that in the most loving way i just mean the crazy you know that we have as people with cptsd not that we're crazy but hopefully you know what i mean so people need to get to know each other and and those are things that only show under stress stress shows up from living together it shows up from uh taking a road trip together and then hopefully through dating before you make that big commitment because you know what a living together is now your financial security is all bound up together most people i mean most people are kind of paycheck to paycheck and so one reason they get into relationships i know i did this was because i couldn't afford not to one reason i didn't leave relationships was for the same reason gosh i don't wish that situation on anybody it's rotten and you know all that energy i put into relationships that weren't that great i could have put into having a better financial situation earning money doing work that i liked i was i was kind of a i did okay in that department but i was very slow at it and i see now just how incredibly important it is to be able to support oneself if you can not everybody's in a position to then you were you know you kind of brought your letter to am i just not into her or is it me and i would say i see a little bit of both of that but the deal killer is i don't think you're that into her what you described here is that well first you were like we never talk and you did talk but it wasn't the kind of talk that nourished your soul and i agree with you i think it's so important to have really great conversations with somebody who's going to be your significant other that's totally important to me i think there are a few people who you know have other things that are important but for you that's important and it just sounds like you weren't quite grasping yet it's not that you don't talk it's that the talk doesn't have oomph in it you know it's not satisfying to you and not just the topics but the the depth of it the the way that you get each other like a good partner has to get you that's so important um and then you started to complain of boredom because you never argue so that was the tell that's where i'm like oh i see you're a person with cptsd and arguing is exciting it can compel you into trauma bondy type you know attraction and and and love but in the long run as a person with trauma i just really you know i think you say that with irony i know you know you don't really want to be in a trump traumatic relationship all the time that's full of fighting on the other hand a little bit of fighting a little bit of safe fighting it is good for a couple like it surfaces things it's how you get things out it's how sometimes what it takes to express yourself and so if that's not happening that does sound like a certain deadness there and it's not like you're happy so you know i would predict if you don't responsibly in this relationship a really common way that people like us end it is by kind of manufacturing fights and problems it's more doable to leave a relationship when you're all mad and creating drama and anger about something but actually the more enlightened and better and healthier way to get out is without the fighting is just to kind of like maturely and calmly go yeah you know this isn't it so for me that change came about with the daily practice i'm divorced when i got divorced from my first husband i had been doing these daily practices that i used this writing and meditation it's a free link that's always down below in the description section would love for everybody watching come take it if you take it you get invited to zoom calls it's it might just be the thing that helps you i was doing the daily practice he really wasn't into it and then he started doing it and the day that he got into it i remember he came home from learning meditation he had already learned how to do the writing he learned from people not me and he and he came in and he was just like shining like a star he was so shiny and i was like wow and he goes yeah i realize we can't be married anymore and it was true and i knew it i wasn't ready for it at that time but that's the daily practice kind of just helped bring the truth out helped the truth be just like so present you couldn't deny it anymore that's a good thing that's a good thing and we were able to just kind of like after so much fighting and having difficulty in a marriage we were able to go yeah that's what's happening and it wasn't easy and there were still some fights to have but i'm really glad like it's so much better if you can end a relationship through like it's just not right rather than needing to go wreck it because you love the drama or because the drama makes you feel like like you're excused like it's okay to leave i don't know you don't sound codependent you haven't said anything here you're just trying to figure this out so your girlfriend is loyal devoted she always tries to understand and that's what's so hard she sounds great she's just not the one for you that's all and you'll know because it will be exciting it will be exciting to meet somebody now if it's been five years since you felt that way about somebody and you kind of went dead here here's the part it does not sound like this is working for you so i'm assuming it will end you can work on yourself you can work on liberating your strong feelings your passion your love you can liberate it i'm gonna guess that something happened to you where people were untrustworthy maybe they were abusive or blamey that's the kind of thing that can get people very shut down in the heart and it's hard to come out and sometimes there needs to be a lot of peace around you to let that start to flourish and register on your radar and then a lot of the other thoughts that you know the the blamey thoughts the fearful the the world is against me you know i don't know i'm just projecting those are sorts of things that got in my way when more of that was healed and released through my daily practice then my natural feelings started to come back i started to have much better discernment and what was so important is who i was attracted to changed dramatically and it stopped being these troubled people who i don't know unconsciously i guess i thought they would put up with me or not criticize me i started to have room to be attracted to like formidable people and that's how i ended up with who i'm with now and i'm so glad i made that change it's making that change before you get into a relationship means maybe you can bypass ever having this big like energy you know it's such a loss of energy to get into a relationship that's no good that's not working and to have to leave that's something to heal from you know we all learn by trial and error so it's not terrible it's okay but you can go slower you can be truer to yourself and i get a lot of letters i learn a lot from people and i just see the one thing that really pushes people into bad relationships fast is just having a life that's not giving them joy as is so the one thing everybody can do in a relationship out of relationship is really get that joy in your life do things that are meaningful that make you feel like you're really contributing that are fun and um yeah you don't want to be with somebody who just goes to work and comes home and that sounds yeah i i couldn't live that way either and um but it's really good that some people do and i bet she has all kinds of layers of depth to her but it's not visible to you because you're not the one that's what i would guess everybody actually is you know has all kinds of colors and depth to them so it's just not always right what are the odds that lightning is going to strike so i hope that helps tessa good luck if you're resonating with tessa's story here and you also have had that experience of being really into somebody and then it just all goes flat that's a common thing one video i have that you might want to watch is one i call the wrong life about a woman who couldn't feel it when she had the chance and then was pining away that video is right here and i will see you very soon [Music] you

Channel: Crappy Childhood Fairy

Views: 35,070

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Id: oKF8Oe3R_IY

Length: 14min 13sec (853 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 29 2022