“…more people look for salvation through
relationship than in houses of worship. One may even suggest that romantic love has
replaced institutional religion as the greatest motive power and influence in our lives…the
search for love has replaced the search for God.” James Hollis, The Eden Project: In Search
of the Magical Other Half of all first marriages end in divorce;
as do two-thirds of second marriages, and nearly three-quarters of third marriages. Most non-marital relationships also end in
separation. Of the relationships that do last, many are
unhealthy and unhappy. Most relationships, in other words, fail. In some cases it is infidelity, abuse, or
a clash in personality, beliefs, values, or life-plans that causes a relationship to fail. Many times, however, it is the result of one,
or both partners, burdening the relationship with the fantasy that it will cure all their
personal problems. This belief that a romantic relationship will
unlock a life of happiness and fulfillment, the psychiatrist M. Scott Peck called the
myth of romantic love. And in this video, we explain how belief in
this myth destroys one’s capacity to cultivate the healthy and realistic love that sustains
fulfilling relationships. For as M. Scott Peck writes: “The myth of romantic love tells us that
when we meet the person for whom we are intended…we will be able to satisfy all of each other’s
needs forever and ever, and therefore live happily forever after in perfect union and
harmony…While I generally find that great myths are great precisely because they represent
and embody great universal truths…the myth of romantic love is a dreadful lie…as a
psychiatrist I weep in my heart almost daily for the ghastly confusion and suffering that
this myth fosters.” M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled
The myth of romantic love is pervasive in popular culture; countless shows, movies,
plays, books, and songs are centered around the theme of a lost and lonely individual
who finds the perfect romantic match, and thereafter experiences a life of happiness
and fulfillment. The psychologist James Hollis called this
perfect romantic match the Magical Other. And he suggested that as traditional sources
of meaning such as religion, family, and community have eroded, the pursuit of the Magical Other
has intensified – as many people today deify romantic love and view it as the central source
of life’s meaning. Or as Hollis wrote in The Eden Project: The
Search for the Magical Other: “One of the false ideas that drives humankind
is the fantasy of the Magical Other, the notion that there is one person out there who is
right for us…a soul-mate who will repair the ravages of our personal history; one who
will be there for us, who will read our minds, know what we want and meet those deepest needs;
a good parent who will protect us from suffering and, if we are lucky, spare us the perilous
journey of individuation… Virtually all popular culture is fueled by…the
search for the Magical Other.” James Hollis, The Eden Project: In Search
of the Magical Other In addition to popular culture promoting the
idea that a Magical Other can save one from suffering and make life meaningful, the search
for the “Magical Other” often stems from a childhood lacking in sufficient parental
love, affection, and attention. A child who does not receive steady and dependable
caregiving tends to develop into an adult afflicted with feelings of insecurity, a fragile
identity, and pervasive feelings of emptiness. Such an individual often attempts to fill
the emotional void by anchoring their sense of self in a relationship, and by seeking
a romantic partner who can assume the role of a maternal or paternal figure, or as Hollis
writes: “The search for reflection from the Magical
Other is also the dynamic of narcissism, which manifests in the adult who as a child was
insufficiently mirrored by a loving, affirmative parent.” James Hollis, The Eden Project: In Search
of the Magical Other In the early stages of a relationship, it
can appear as if one has found their Magical Other. With dopamine and oxytocin flooding the brain,
and with evolved mating instincts playing tricks on the mind so as to increase the probability
of reproducing, the experience of falling in love is rife with illusions – the primary
of which is the idealization of the significant other. The faults and flaws of the partner are ignored
or glossed over as eccentricities which only add to their charm. The novelty of the other, coupled with their
perceived perfection, engenders deep feelings of infatuation, happiness, and euphoria, which
can breed the illusion that life is now complete. Furthermore, one’s ego boundaries collapse
as one psychologically merges with the partner, just as in early infancy one was psychologically
merged with the mother. “In some respects the act of falling in
love is an act of regression.”, observed James Hollis. Or as the M. Scott Peck wrote regarding this
experience: “The unreality of these feelings when we
have fallen in love is essentially the same as the unreality of the two-year-old who feels
itself to be king of the family and the world with power unlimited. Just as reality intrudes upon the two-year-old’s
fantasy of omnipotence so does reality intrude upon the fantastic unity of the couple who
have fallen in love…One by one, gradually or suddenly, the ego boundaries snap back
into place; gradually or suddenly, they fall out of love. Once again they are two separate individuals.” M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled
When reality intrudes upon the illusions of falling in love, the romantic partner, rather
than being a Magical Other, is revealed as being human, all-too-human. Seen without rose colored glasses, their faults,
flaws, rough edges, and bad habits grow apparent. The partner does not always make one happy,
meet one’s needs, or fulfill one’s expectations; and so, in place of sustained infatuation
and happiness, at times there are feelings of indifference, disappointment, and even
disdain. These feelings are a normal component of long-term
relationships, for as M. Scott Peck writes: “…real love often occurs in a context
in which the feeling of love is lacking, when we act lovingly despite the fact that we don’t
feel loving.” (M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled) However,
for individuals enthralled to the myth of romantic love, the conclusion of the honeymoon
period, and the awareness of the widening gulf between their fantasy of who they want
their partner to be, and who they really are, can be a troubling experience. Or as James Hollis writes: “Why don’t you make me feel good about
myself?” we ask, usually unconsciously but sometimes
straight out. “Why don’t you meet my needs?”…What
a disappointment, how unromantic – the Other was not put on earth to serve or take care
of me, protect me from my life!” James Hollis, The Eden Project: In Search
of the Magical Other Or as Hollis continues: “…if I do not see and love my partner
as a real person in the real world, if instead I elaborate a fantasy about him or her, using
the person merely as a springboard for my imagination and my wishes, then I am doomed
sooner or later to resent the actual person for not living up to my fantasies.” James Hollis, The Eden Project: In Search
of the Magical Other So long as one remains captured by the myth
of romantic love, and chained to search for the Magical Other, one dooms their relationships
from the start. Holding onto the expectation that a romantic
partner should be the primary source of life’s meaning leads to resentment and mounting pressures
that either strain or break the relationship. A pathological dynamic can also develop. The individual in search of the Magical Other
manipulates and controls their partner in the attempt to mold them into their idealized
image; while the other partner, fearful that they will be abandoned, hopelessly strives
to live up to this fantasy by submissively devoting almost all their time and energy
to satiating the other’s every desire, wish, and need. Or as Hollis writes: “[The search for the Magical Other] accounts
for the fact that so many couples move from naive relatedness to the joustings of power. If you do not act as I wish, I shall bring
about your compliance by my actions. I will control you, criticize you, abuse you,
withdraw from you, sabotage you…And so, through tactics of dependence or anger or
control, mixed with emotional and sexual withdrawal, one [of the partners] tries to force the Other
back into one’s original, imaginary mold. Seldom are these attitudes and behaviors conscious.” James Hollis, The Eden Project: In Search
of the Magical Other To avoid the unnecessary suffering that plagues
so many relationships, it is critical that we discard the myth of romantic love, abandon
the search for the Magical Other, and rather than seeking salvation in someone else’s
affection, concentrate on cultivating self-love. For as the psychologist Nathaniel Branden
wrote: “The first love affair we must consummate
successfully is the love affair with ourselves. Only then are we ready for other love relationships.” Nathaniel Branden, The Psychology of Romantic
Love Or as M. Scott Peck observed: “If being loved is your goal, you will fail
to achieve it. The only way to be assured of being loved
is to be a person worthy of love, and you cannot be a person worthy of love when your
primary goal in life is to passively be loved.” M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled
One of the most effective ways to find the motivation to cultivate self-love is to recognize
and accept the fact that we are, and always will be, inescapably alone. We are born alone, die alone, and though the
boundaries which separate us from others can be bridged, they can never be transcended. “We are each of us, in the last analysis,
islands of consciousness—and that is the root of our aloneness.”, observed James
Hollis. Relationships come, and either through breakup,
divorce, or death, they end, but what always remains is our individual journey – the
magnum opus of our life. “The ultimate goal of life remains the spiritual
growth of the individual, the solitary journey to peaks that can be climbed only alone.” M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled
Focusing on expanding our skills, pursuing excellence in a vocation, cultivating enriching
hobbies, sculpting our mind and body, creating a network of inspiring friends, seeking adventures,
and devoting ourselves to rewarding goals – this is how we make our solitary journey
meaningful, and therein cultivate self-love. And with sufficient self-love, we do not need
a relationship to thrive, and, paradoxically, this is when we are at our most attractive
and capable of cultivating a healthy relationship that is based on the following foundation
of realism: A romantic partner can support us and enrich our journey, just as we can
support and enrich theirs. However, to use a relationship to flee the
burdens of our existence and to look to another person to provide us fulfillment, is to damage
the relationship and cripple ourselves with infantile dependencies. The earthly salvation that we seek can only
be found by cultivating and affirming our individual journey; it cannot be found in
the arms of another. “Those vested deeply in the idea of romance
will no doubt protest, but then they will remain enslaved to the pursuit of the illusory
Magical Other.” James Hollis, The Eden Project: In Search
of the Magical Other Or as M. Scott Peck concludes: “…it is the separateness of the partners
that enriches the union. Great marriages cannot be constructed by individuals
who are terrified by their basic aloneness, as so commonly is the case, and seek a merging
in marriage… Two people love each other only when they
are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other…Genuine
love not only respects the individuality of the other but actually seeks to cultivate
it, even at the risk of separation or loss. M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled
