Why Disclosure Does Not Heal the Pain of Betrayal (and What Does!)

hello everyone uh good to be back with you i'm michelle mays i'm the clinical director at the center for relational recovery and the founder of partner hope and i was in my coaching call with my braving hope people on monday all the folks that are enrolled in our braving hope program right now and we were having a conversation about disclosure that kind of led us into this other conversation and then i woke up the next morning and i was all fired up about this conversation so i decided to go ahead and come in here and do a facebook live about this topic because i think it's something that probably a lot of you are running into and would be useful for us to talk about so what we're going to talk about tonight is why disclosure does not heal the pain of betrayal and what actually does so what actually does heal the pain of betrayal so when we talked about this in the group what kind of came out is that some folks were really sort of looking to disclosure and they were doing more than one disclosure they were doing rounds of disclosure at times because it felt like disclosure was the only time that they are allowed to talk about the details of betrayal but it's the only time that they get to actually process and talk about what actually happened the real nitty-gritty of what went on in the betrayal and because that's the only time they can talk about it they feel like they need to have more disclosures in order to go back and ask more questions and talk more about it so what i want to talk about is what disclosure does and does not do and what needs to happen instead so here's what disclosure does disclosure lays a foundation of honesty for the relationship so it creates kind of a floor you know it's like now we've got truth now we've got honesty and we can rebuild some from here and hopefully rebuild trust back into the relationship if the disclosure has been done well disclosure also contains the danger it contains the betrayal so once you know the full scope and depth of what has happened it contains it for you so it isn't like your imagination is wondering what else is there to know about what else has happened you know where the edges of it are and that is really important because until you know where the edges are it's very hard to move forward and move on into healing the other thing that disclosure does is it shows the cheating partner's willingness to put honesty and transparency above self-preservation so one of the things that portrayed partners feel acutely is that during the cheating and during the lying the betrayed partner or the cheating partner was putting themselves and their own self-preservation above that of the portrayed partner so obviously when we pair up into long-term relationships we are promised to one another that we will have one another's back and that we will care for one another and so what happens in betrayal is that the cheating partner has not had the trade partners back and has put their own agenda their own issues their own whatever above the well-being of the trade partner so in disclosure when the cheating partner comes and tells the secrets faces their own shame about things faces their own fear of what the betrayed partner will do if they tell the secrets what that does is it is it is a process that shows that they are willing to put the well-being of the betrayed partner and they are willing to put honesty and transparency above self-preservation so it's doing the very opposite of what they did in the cheating and that's why it's very powerful and needs to happen as part of the healing process so that's what disclosure does do what disclosure does not do is that it does not heal the pain it does not heal the pain of what has actually happened so knowing the scope and depth of the betrayal and knowing the actions that happened during the betrayal is very different than healing the damage that is caused by those actions so those are two different things and i think sometimes we think of disclosure as an ending point when disclosure is actually a beginning point once the information is told once the information is disclosed then you begin the process of actually healing from it then you begin the process of actually doing the repair around it and looking at the injuries and the wounding that the actions that are being disclosed have created so i think that part gets missed at times and i think betrayed partners are left having this information given to them and having no forward path around how to actually heal from what they have heard and even betrayed partners get stuck in this idea that i just need to hear it and that's it like we have people come into the center and they want to do the disclosure but they're looking at disclosure as like the end point or they do disclosure and then they drop out of therapy and it's like they have no sense that being told what happened is not the same as healing from it and repairing the damage and the wounding that has occurred from it so after disclosure what you need is you need really skilled help helping you actually do this repair work and helping you do this process of moving forward and dealing with the injuries so if that's what comes after disclosure is this process of repair and healing then guess what you are going to need to talk about what happened so you are going to need to talk with one another you the trade partner and the cheating partner in detail about what happened during all of the lying and the acting out without talking about it there's no forward way to repair what has happened you as a betrayed partner need a place where you get to talk about your pain you get to talk about what it meant for you you get to ask questions that are confusing for you you get information shared with you that helps you understand more about what was actually happening for your partner during the affair or during the addiction and the acting out all of that is what helps you heal being able to really work through what has happened as a result of the behaviors that is the pathway to healing so in order to do that you have to be able to talk about it with one another and you have to be able to say you know during disclosure when you told me about having this sexual encounter with my sister that was the most painful thing i've ever heard and here's how that has impacted me and here's how it made me feel and here's what it's meant for me and my sister and i need to understand what what happened for you here and and the cheating partner needs to be able to meet you there and talk about that with you and hear from you what it has really meant for you and understand the damage that has been caused and he needs to be able or she needs to be able to connect to their guilt and their shame and their remorse about the way that they're cheating behaviors has impacted you and what it's meant for you when you as the betrayed partner see the cheating partner move into her sadness or move into his sadness move into their pain about the pain that they have caused you that is where healing starts and as long as that is not happening and there is not an emotional meeting happening between the two of you healing is going to remain uh blocked and truncated it's not going to be you're not going to be able to fully move forward together as a couple so what happens often i think for a lot of people is that we get through disclosure the cheating partner has perhaps done a full disclosure about the affair or about the acting out in the addiction they have perhaps passed a polygraph there's a sense that they've come and they've they've told the truth let's talk about disclosures that go well okay so there's a sense that they've come and they've done this step often then what happens for the cheating partner is they then start to use language like this you might hear things from them like you know i did the disclosure i passed the polygraph let's move on we need to move on together i don't want to keep going back there that's not who i am anymore i'm not that person anymore why do you keep talking to me about this we don't need to go revisit that anymore we don't need to go keep going back we need to move on you're keeping us from moving on because you keep wanting to revisit the past you're holding us up you're keeping us from this so you might hear this kind of talk from the cheating partner after disclosure and what this does is it actually it's a form of a wall it's a form of stonewalling and it actually suspends the damage from the betrayal so it takes the betrayal and sort of hangs it up and suspends it completely and now there's no way to move forward and actually heal because the path toward that is being blocked the cheating partner wants to believe that i've done disclosure i've been honest i've been transparent that's all we need to do and they are very busy often in their recovery process trying to look forward and trying to do new behaviors operate in ways that are different than how they operated when they were in the affair or when they were in the addiction they are working really hard to lay a lot of new track in the relationship that shows new patterns of behaviors so they're very focused on this and rightly so that's the path to healing that's part of the path to healing but what happens is often they want to say only look at this let's only look at what's happening now and let's not go back here let's not go back and look at what happened previously and when that is the position that the cheating partner takes it blocks the pathway to healing for the betrayed partner and also for the relationship like everybody bogs down everything gets stuck and you can stay stuck here for a long time you can stay stuck here for months you can stay stuck here for years and so just because the betrayed partner heard about the injury the actions the acting out behaviors the affair just because a trade partner heard about that doesn't mean that the betrayed partner has healed from it those are two different things and so often what is driving the cheating partner when they're in this place where they're saying let's move on look at what i'm doing now look at who i am today i'm not that person anymore quit looking back and thinking about what i did quit taking us backwards often when they're doing that that is how they are coping with their shame about what they have done so the way that they are managing their shame and guilt and remorse is by trying to avoid it so often in going back and doing the kind of repair work that needs to happen the cheating partner is going to really deal with their shame and honestly it's how they heal their shame by going back and doing that work is how they actually come fully out of shame and into grace and forgiveness self-forgiveness and self-compassion as long as they keep trying to avoid the shame in order by it by not going back and not looking at what's happened they're just trying to stay out of it that leaves the shame stuck inside of them so that doesn't allow that shame to heal so everybody's stuck the relationship is stuck the betrayed partner is stuck the cheating partner is stuck when this is happening and the cheating partner is often being very defensive they're stonewalling all of these kinds of things to avoid going back and having to really experience their shame and their guilt and their remorse and their pain around what they have done but that is the path to getting better that is the path to healing is being able to do that so often then the cheaters shame is actually like sitting in the middle of the relationship and blocking the path to healing for everybody so there has to be a willingness to go in and really deal with this um deal with this shame so if this is sort of where you're stuck in your relationship and again you can get stuck here for a really long time you can check for a month you can get stuck here for years and often in addition one of the things that the cheating partner can do is they can do what's called kind of stacking time so you're stuck here uh the cheating partner keeps saying i don't want to talk about this anymore we need to not go backwards anytime you try to express pain or ask questions or talk about what's happened you're getting stonewalled and as that is happening time is going by so time is passing and then what becomes part of the conversation is the cheating partner saying to you it's been 18 months it's been two years it's been two and a half years when are you gonna get over this when are you gonna move on so as everything has been suspended and stuck time keeps passing and then the cheating partner will bring time in as another reason why the trade partner should be over it and healed and moving forward but the reality is if this if if you've stonewalled and stopped everything and made it impossible to actually move forward and do this healing process then nothing has been happening so the portrayed partner isn't able to just move on and heal and get better that is a relational process that has to happen between the two people between the cheater and the betrayed partner if the relationship is going to go forward now the battery partner can heal their own piece of things without the cheating partner but they can't usually heal the relationship and stay in the relationship you have to have two the two people together healing the relationship in order for the relationship to move forward so the reality is that this shame that is being felt by the cheating partner needs to be moved out of the way so that it does not block the ability for the couple to move forward and to really do the repair around things and in my experience most cheating partners need help moving that shame out of the way the natural response to toxic shame is a lot of defensiveness it's either to go into this like shrinking small i'm bad kind of place or to then move it out towards somebody else and say you're bad when toxic shame is being felt somebody's going to be bad it's either going to be me it's going to be you but somebody's going to be the problem it's coming on to somebody and so as long as that shame is there and it isn't being processed and it isn't being helped to move it out of the way so that guilt and pain and sadness and loss can be felt then it's going to continue to block things and most people who have cheated need help doing that they need a really skilled therapist helping them move that out of the way and they need to be in couples therapy with somebody who really knows how to take the couple back through the pain points that happened in the betrayal story and resolve them so once the shame is moved out of the way then there's a pathway for the betrayed partner to be able to say you know this thing this thing haunts me it haunts me and i still have enormous pain around it and i need to resolve it with you i need us to talk it through i need to get to a place where i could move past it but that has to happen between you and i i need there to be a meeting of us emotionally an emotional meeting around this thing that has happened so that i can really feel your pain and your loss and your sadness and also understand what was happening for you so then i can have some empathy for you and all of that helps move everyone forward into a different place where the pain points actually begin to get resolved and no longer hold the charge that they had previously so that is the path to true healing and i just wanted to come in and talk about this because i do think that so many people think that disclosure is the end point and so many people are dealing with the cheating partners defensiveness around this piece of the work where you do have to go back and work through together what really actually happened and i think that that is a miss sometimes in the therapeutic community i know a lot of people who have been in couples therapy for a really long time and they've never actually talked through the specifics of what happened they've never done that work and they're wondering why the couple's therapy isn't moving them forward better and unless that piece is getting done you're not going to move forward as well that piece has to be part of the equation because that wound is sitting in between the two of you it's sitting there in between and you as the portrayed partner are not going to let yourself get close to them and extend into vulnerability until that wound has been addressed whether that is conscious or unconscious for you you're going to withhold you're going to hold yourself back when that wound is sitting there in between the two of you so i hope that gives you all a picture of sort of the process of healing and what needs to happen and where so many couples and so many uh relationships get bogged down and get stuck and are not able to move forward and are not able to move past things and i hope that if you are a cheating partner and you're watching this that it helps you have more understanding about what's happening for you around this place where you're focused on moving forward and practicing and living in all the new ways that you're learning in recovery and you feel defensive and uh avoiding about going back and looking at the pain that you've caused and what that's really about in terms of the shame so i hope it sort of opens up a way for everyone to move forward a little bit differently all right that's it and i will see you all next week take care

Channel: Michelle Mays

Views: 15,561

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Id: Urxemt8C0AY

Length: 20min 36sec (1236 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 30 2021