What to Do When You're Feeling Sorry for Yourself

you think of someone who has hurt you or wronged you in some way abandoned you or rejected you or betrayed you or let you down and think about the effect that that had on you the kind of difficulty or challenge that it imposed on you the suffering that you experienced as a result and now I want you to imagine that that person comes to you and apologizes to you exactly the kind of apology you most wish you could hear the kind of apology where they really get the impact that they had on you they can tell you that they imagine how hard it's been for you the thing that they did and they really empathize with your experience imagine they've given you this apology and as a result in some way you feel met you feel understood the ways that you've been hurting you've been recognized in by the person who's most involved in the experience of the hurt with you the person who hurt you it's so nice to receive an apology like that it feels so good it completes something it's like the effects of having been hurt or wronged stay with you and the apology completes something the simple act of being met and empathized with and understood in the experience that you're having completes it it doesn't mean that the past didn't happen it doesn't mean that it doesn't still have effects but it brings you into the present moment instead of continuing to dwell in the past where you simply have to ask the question okay what now that happened what now unfortunately it's far too rare to receive those kinds of ideal apologies from the people who have heard us they're just not available for that and so in the absence of those apologies we may sometimes find ourselves instead of the other person telling us that they're sorry feeling sorry for ourselves feeling sorry for ourselves has gotten a bad reputation why because there's a way that feeling sorry for yourself can be about an experience of self-pity it can be an experience of dwelling in the in a state of victimhood in which you sense that something terrible was done to you or where you feel entitled to have the world treat you better than it did that quality of self-pity causes us to potentially wallow indefinitely in this space of suffering so it's not helpful and so of course people say stop feeling sorry for yourself but in actuality and the moments when you're feeling sorry for yourself what you need to recognize is that you are feeling sorry because you need an apology and the best person to give you that apology is you you don't need the other person at all you can completely eliminate the middleman if you feel sorry for yourself and somebody else has done something to you or hurt or wronged you in some way you can give yourself the kind of apology most wish you could get so for instance I might say to myself something like I would say to me if I was a younger version of me and I was holding me in my lap or in my arms and being sweet with myself I might say Steve I'm so sorry that she rejected you that was really hard you really wanted to be close to her and she didn't want that and it sucks it really feels bad I'm really sorry that that happened or I might say I'm sorry that he hurt you he really didn't get what an impact it was that he had on you and the things that he said the rumor that he spread about you really has made you feel scared and more alone in the world and I'm sorry that you've had to feel that way it's very satisfying to have that kind of empathy even though I'm the one who just gave it to myself and I'm the perfect one to give it to myself more than the other person who in some way may have hurt or wronged me I really get what it's like for me I can give myself the perfect kind of empathy now of course when I'm feeling sorry for myself it may not be about anybody else at all in fact far more often it's simply about circumstances that no one else had anything to do with I may be suffering because I failed a test because I am in some kind of chronic pain that I wish I didn't have to be in that's just hard for me or because I planned a beautiful party on a sunny day and it turned out to rain on my party any number of things could happen for which there is no one to blame maybe I would blame myself maybe I would blame the world but really there's no specific person out there to blame and I may feel sorry for myself and all that means is it's an indicator that I could use some empathy because apologies when they're well done create empathy and so in those moments I can do the very same thing I can say to myself I'm really sorry that you failed you know you worked hard for that and it didn't work out and now you have to start all over again whoa you know or I might say I'm sorry that you're in so much pain and not only that but it's kind of invisible and so many people around you take for granted not being in pain they're just unaware of how great their bodies feel and you have this extra thing you have to contend with it it makes everything harder and nobody gets it and you feel alone with it and I'm sorry that you have to feel that or gosh you really wanted that party to be a sunny experience and it was wet and rainy and cold instead and I'm sorry simple apology that I'm giving to myself because I noticed I was feeling sorry for myself and when I give myself that kind of empathy I can simply accept that what happened happened it's not how I wish it was it's not ideal but it is what it is and it allows me to get to the place where I can say all right that happened what now feeling sorry for yourself does not have to be about wallowing in the past it can simply be an indicator that you are in need of some empathy and you are the very best person to give that to yourself and so just know if you feel sorry for yourself it means apologize to yourself that's all that's required of you and it allows you to move on you can do this of course other people too it's not that you necessarily have to apologize to them but do note that when you apologize to other people there's there's a fundamental similarity between saying I'm sorry I hurt you by criticizing you so badly and saying I'm sorry that your mom died even though one of them is something I did and the other some thing I had nothing to do a in both cases I'm just giving empathy about what the experience is like for you of having me criticized which hurts or having your mom die which I imagine for me would feel like in incredible laws like an amputation I'm offering that empathy to somebody else whether I did something or not that's the value and the beauty of apologies so when someone else is feeling sorry for themselves you can start off by offering them the apology that they wish they could receive from somebody and then helping them to give themselves that apology because it is after all themselves that they feel sorry for so the lost art of feeling sorry for yourself involves apologizing to yourself when you can tell you need the empathy it's a great way to love yourself

Channel: Interchange Counseling Institute

Views: 37,412

Rating: 4.8732243 out of 5

Keywords: Feeling Sorry for Yourself, Apologizing, Empathy

Id: baYMhwU_y1k

Length: 7min 50sec (470 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 07 2014