One of our viewers recently asked me
"What to do about parental alienation syndrome?" I've got some experience with
that having been a child custody evaluator for the courts. Listen up. For
about 13 years of my career, I was a child custody evaluator appointed by the
court to go into a divorcing family and figure out how to help these people
share their kids. Normally when I got involved, things had gotten pretty messy.
These are families who weren't able to work it out on their own. They didn't
come up with any kind of a mediated plan for how to share their kids. They were
fighting. And the conflicts would get really nasty sometimes.
You can't shock me having been through that experience, I've seen all kinds of
high conflict nasty things that happen in families. And parental alienation is
one of these things. Now, this is a term that was originally coined by Dr.
Richard Gardner years ago. And it's become part of the vocabulary of custody
evaluators and judges and attorneys who work in family law. You've probably come
across it as well. Basically what it means is an active campaign that's
undertaken by one or both of the parents to alienate them from the other children.
To put a wedge in to poison the water, so to speak. So, that the relationship is
damaged between the children and the other parent. There's a lot of reasons
why this happens. Psychologically in a custody case, here's what I've observed:
When a divorce happens, the common thinking is "That person, that nasty
terrible horrible, no good, very bad person that I am divorcing. And there are
good reasons why too. I can't have that person in my life
anymore. I can't live with that person. I don't want to be around that person." And
so on and so on. Now, I'm exaggerating this or am I? No. In some cases, that was
underplayed. But this is the mentality. And with that
mentality, think about how important your kids are to you. Right? And this child
that I am so responsible for and that I love more than anything on earth, can I
allow this child that I love so much to go be with that person that is so
terrible that I can't be with them? This is the mentality that causes parental
alienation. I can't allow my child to experience that terrible, horrible, no
good, very bad person. I wouldn't be a good parent if I allowed my child to be
exposed to that. And so, that's how parental alienation starts. And sometimes
it's even a strategic move to obtain or gain child custody. And that's just foul
play if you ask me. That's not fair. It's not a good way to fight in those cases.
But it happens all the time. I've spent this time defining it describing it
telling you where it comes from. I promise to tell you what to do about it.
Knock it off. Don't do it. Don't go there. I know from a
professional standpoint that this damages children. And I've seen far too
many kids hurt by this. Don't do it, don't go there.
I know you'll be tempted to. Okay, you've got that right because you're
approaching this with integrity and character. And you've got your children's
best interest at heart. But what about that other parent? The one
that's doing all of the alienation. Let's spend the balance of this video talking
about what to do if alienation is happening in the other home. What can you
do about that? Before I share those tips with you, here's a disclaimer: I am NOT
your attorney. I am not providing to you legal counsel.
I guess that's a disclaimer for the video. But also I'm acknowledging you
might need it. You might need some legal counsel. I personally believe that the
courts are a terrible place to solve family problems. Awful, horrendous. It's
set up as an adversarial system. And that's not how families work best. I
think it violates all kinds of principles. Having said that, it's the
only place we have to resolve child custody issues if you can't come to an
agreement with the other parent. So, if that's where you are, you're probably
going to need some professional assistance.
I believe that legal counsel is kind of like dentistry. You don't want to do it
yourself. You have a right to but I haven't seen that work out very well for
most people. Get competent legal counsel if you need it. And please be selective
because some attorneys are just in it for the fight. And fighting is not the
best strategy for happy families. Now, I'm talking as a psychologist, okay? Not your
attorney. What can you do if the alienation dynamic is happening in the
other home? Refuse to take the bait. And you probably know what I mean
because they're going to be lobbying bait your direction to see if you'll
bite on the bait. Sometimes this comes home with the kids. "Hey, dad said the you ___"
whatever, okay/ And and it just makes your blood boil. Or "Well, mom said that you
have ___" Okay, if you're getting triggered like that, that's the bait. Don't bite on
the bait. Defensiveness validates accusation. Write that down somewhere.
Defensiveness validates accusation. And it works contrary to what it is you're
trying to accomplish. Don't take the bait. Do not return fire. Don't fight against
the people who are inviting you to fight. You with me?
I like what's called a strategic non-response. And if if it's clearly
bait being lobbed over your direction, instead of biting on it, you're going to
give a strategic non-response. Your own anxieties are going to be tempting you
to violate what I just shared with you. The strategic non-response. Feels like
you're giving in, feels like you're giving up. Feels like you might even be
acknowledging with what they're saying is true. I think it's just the opposite. I
think what you're really saying is, "Hey, that doesn't really even justify a
response from me. That is so far out in left field. I'm not even going to address
that." Do you see how a strategic non-response might be your best strategy?
Here's where it gets tough: When your kids are asking questions or when your
kids bring it up because sometimes they get to be the messengers of these nasty
messages. When your kids are challenging you about something that is clearly bait
that's being lobbed over from the other side, I think one of the best things that
you can do is take yourself out of the role of trying to explain everything to
your kids. Your job is to love them no matter what and even if. It's not to help
them see the truth. It's not to help them understand the flaws in the arguments
that they're hearing in the other home. These aren't even the kids issues. For
the most part, these are things that the parents need to work out. So, taking that
position as you're interacting with your kids and not taking the bait. I think
it's okay to listen with empathy and say, "Huh. Wow, well what do you think about
that?" See, that's drawing it back out of them.
"Well, dad I don't think that you're a bad guy. Mom, I don't think that you're that
evil." See, they're going to have their own perceptions. And they're just fill in the
waters. If you become defensive, it validates the accusation in their mind.
"Well, I can believe that they said that over there."
Do you see how that's going to look to your kids? You're just taking the bait and
you're joining in the fight. You're returning fire. Don't do it. "What do you
think about that, honey? What's been your experience with me?" Okay? And let it stand
on its own 2 feet. That brings me to my last point. One of the best things you
can do about parental alienation syndrome doesn't even have anything to
do with parental alienation syndrome. Here's the counsel that I've given
hundreds of families in this situation. I'm going to give it to you as well. You
create the most stable, sane, loving, warm, open, communicative environment that you
possibly can in your own home. Don't get distracted by everything that's going on
in that other place that you wish would change or that's driving you nuts or
that you feel baited into responding all of the time. Let that be what it is. Bring
your focus back home. This is the place where you have more control. Right here
in your home. Establish that sane loving stable environment for your children.
When they reach a level of emotional maturity and sometimes this comes years
later, okay? But they will see through it. And I've seen so many examples of
parental alienation syndrome backfiring on the person who is using it as its
strategy, it backfires on them at some point. Because kids love both of their
parents. You want to create an environment where they are free to do so.
And they have full permission from you to love both of their parents. This is
not easy to do. I'm I'm asking you to do a very hard thing here. Because you'll be
pulled and baited into the fight. Don't accept the invitation. Hold your ground,
create that stable sane loving environment at home. Remember your job is
to love your kids no matter what and even if.
Don't try to explain all of this to them. It's not their issue anyway. But bring it
home to where you can have the biggest impact. That's where we can really make a
difference. This and a lot of other really challenging topics are what we're
here to help you with. Come to Live On Purpose Central. There's a link in the
description. Click on that and come and see some of the resources that are
available to you to handle the challenges that come up as we do the
most important job in the world --raising our kids. We've got your back.
I'll see you there.
