What Parents Do That Mess Up the Kids?

what's a parenting method that you believe messes up kids i remember the day i stopped trying at school in high school i came first in my class at a biology test it was a big win for me cause i wasn't particularly talented at anything else and i had some real competition in that class i went home and told my mum about it and she just asked why didn't you get 100 took all enjoyment out of my victory and instead of motivating me as she intended it made me wonder why i should even bother as nothing i do will ever be good enough so why waste my time the what's good for the goose is good for the gander method when it comes to discipline it can cause a lot of resentment among siblings i'm the oldest out of five and if one of us got in trouble then all of us got in trouble my parents believed that by doing this we would try harder to stay out of trouble so we won't get our sibilings punished also it caused a lot of resentment among us especially towards my middle brother who had adhd he tried so hard to stay out of trouble but he was almost consistently doing something stupid there was a month where we didn't talk to him because he got our nintendo 64 taken away i ended it when he started to cry one night because he believed we didn't love him anymore i never understood the mindset behind this kind of punishment all it says to me is that there's no point in being good because i'm just going to get punished for someone else's actions anyway i had a teacher who did this all the time and i was well behaved until she started enacting this idiotic punishment holding children to a higher standard than the adults in the household my dad could scream throw things sometimes at us break things sometimes our things etc it would usually be our fault or he would laugh it off as normal dad behavior but if one of us acted that way there was heck to pay he basically got to throw tantrums like a child because it was his house and he was entitled but if we the children did that we would be punished sometimes physically threatened ridiculed etc that was my dad and all my mother did was say let it go and keep on enabling him and allowed him to do that belittling their problems i'm 26 and my mother still does this she's a teacher with a martyr complex so she has the hardest most unappreciated job ever i stopped trying to voice frustration with my own job because don't i know how hard teachers have it she doesn't get a raise either sometimes you just want to talk to your mom as an adult and bond about how crappy workplaces can be sometimes without it turning into a p match ugh you just reminded me of my aunt she's a single 10-year teacher which is a great job that pays really well here she also owns her own home outright and her only expenses is herself and her cat the way she talks about it you'd think she's working in a good luck she isn't even a good teacher she's the mean teacher you heard in elementary school that hates children parents who never give their kids space or trust them at all i had a teacher who would say how she'd monitor her kid's cell phone and keep him on a pretty tight leash albeit in a few years the kid is currently four i don't think i would have grown up to love my parents and be a respectful functioning adult if my parents didn't trust me and give me a little bit of space when parents talk about their kids right in front of them about how they are bad or don't listen or like to give you a hard time this gives a child a story about themself that they are a bad child this leads to more negative behavior because you are giving the child permission to behave that way it's who they are now also when parents complain that their child is giving them the hard time what they should say is that my child is having a hard time everyone gets frustrated being a parent but this type of reaction is self-sabotaging avoiding opportunities to show their kids that they are human and especially so when they themselves were kids every time i give my kids a rule or guideline i explain to them why it exists and give them examples from my childhood and what i learned from it as the rationale we have a working understanding that my goal in parenting is to do everything i can to help them succeed more and fail less by being honest about my own successes and failures when i was in their shoes you need to tell your children that you are sorry when you screw up offer a heartfelt apology when you make a mistake don't try to explain away your error just sit them down look them in the eye and say i screwed that up i'm sorry will you please forgive me they will and they'll respect you for it my mother is always right if she messes up she will turn it around and blame it on my father or i i think she's half acid apologize to me maybe three times in my almost 36 years doing everything for them and not allowing them to learn from experience it goes from creating sheltered kids to incapable teens who don't have any street smarts initiative or sense of responsibility for themselves i have teenage relations who still have to ask their parents if they're allowed dessert off to dinner leave perishables open and out after using them and think watching the news on tv is too grown up for them i could give so many more examples but i'll leave it at that for now came here to say this exactly doing everything for your child doesn't give them the opportunity to struggle learn coping strategies and gain a sense of accomplishment making fun of their interests next thing you know they will be in their teens and you'll wonder why they never talk to you also making fun of them having a crush on someone then the parents will wonder why they're still single not letting kids ever say no obviously there are certain things parents should make their kids do eating some fruits and vegetables going to school getting vaccinations etc but when you never let them say no particularly to things like hugging an older relative don't be surprised to find a teenager and an adult who has a really hard time saying no to things they don't want to do dang i'm handing these up votes out like candy publicly embarrassing your child has a form of punishment for mistakes they may make it's worse when you don't explain to them what they did wrong and how to correct their mistakes bonus negative points for posting it on the internet and patting yourself on the back for how innovative you are at punishment do not ever push your kids to the absolute limit academically as in i'll only love you if you do well at school 95 of the time they will rebel in their teenage years my parents are still doing this to me and it is the sole reason i'm afraid to go to college i always used to have such stress in school not because of assignments but because i was afraid of being berated for hours because my grades weren't good i took care of you for 17 years you owe me my fiance's mom has this mindset calls for money or place to stay while repeating that statement this is the excuse my dad gave when i caught him stealing from me i don't know how many thousands he got from me before i caught him and decided he shouldn't have my bank card for an emergency i don't recommend my parents method the good old head in the sand if we don't bring up a topic we'll never have to deal with it this was particularly true about sex but also dating making new friends away from home becoming financially independent and a whole bunch of other issues that they didn't want to talk about because if you talk about it then the thing is real of course i eventually learned about all these things from other sources but as adults we have a very strained relationship in part because they refused to talk with me about anything the rare times they brought up topics they were never interested in my opinion or experience just getting their point across and getting out i was raised like this my mom died about three weeks ago after losing her second battle to cancer i couldn't talk to her about the things i wanted to because that's the dynamic she built we couldn't talk about issues that are uncomfortable to my siblings making mom uncomfortable was mean but not talking to mom was mean so i don't talk to them either my family immediate and extended used to have a habit of always teasing us kids about love interests people we liked it annoyed embarrassed me so much that i would never talk to anyone in my family about people i liked and even in high school i never told anyone in my family about the girl i was dating i eventually started making a conscious effort to include my family in my personal life they only meant well the whole time but i'm still a little bit messed up from that mindset of being embarrassed to openly show personal affection for someone or talk about it my dad was horrible at this as well as acknowledging or respecting our emotional lives in general he pretty much made himself impossible to open up to as it just left you vulnerable to teasing at best or insults more common take a wild guess who i'm still on the fence about inviting to my wedding this fall when parents are extremely harsh in general on one spectrum and when parents are extremely lacks on the other end both of those just do not work at all ignoring them i worked at a daycare and there was a little boy who told us how he used to play underneath the deck and once he walked out of his house into the ice cream shop across a busy six-lane road he was so sweet but didn't quite know how to interact with anyone because he was just alone at home i have a baby now and i get so sad if i leave him to pay by himself for more than five minutes i couldn't imagine that little boy not knowing what that kind of love is like i left that job before anything was done but a girl i became friends with there said eventually cps was called i hope he gets to be the kid he deserves to be eta a lot of people are saying kids entertaining themselves is also a good thing and i definitely agree by ignoring i don't mean giving them space to play alone i mean neglecting them overlooking their wants and needs because you couldn't be bothered when i was learning to drive i nearly flattened a kid with my dad's van when he rode out into the road parents watch your freaking kids thankfully i was so paranoid and cautious as a new driver that i'd seen the kid a long way back and was already driving slowly because i could sense he was about to do something stupid exposure to different foods if you let your kid eat the same thing every meal every day then don't act surprised when she grows up and is exceptionally picky raising your daughter as a princess and not making them contribute to the household chores my daughter's friend was such a princess that when she got to college she had no idea how to operate a washing machine and had never used a vacuum cleaner my children were taught to help around the house at an early age and have a fantastic work ethic in the business world now the princess above still struggles never finished college and cannot hold a job or relationship for very long complaining about how their activities and hobbies impact you a guy could be watching my shows instead of driving you to karate i've spent so much on lessons and you've barely improved i hate having to wash your football kit my personal favorite every time i was in the car with my mum driving to stores or grandparents so that house looks nice i'd love to live there away from all of you on my own thanks mum empty threats i can't stand those parents who shout and scream at their kids the ones who are always moaning their kids are naughty but they never punish them they just shout shouting does nothing ground them dock their pocket money confiscate their phone you need to actually do something shouting about it is useless besides shouting just teaches them that shouting when angry is okay it's best to do those things without any shouting and especially without hitting telling your child that nothing is wrong with them their problems are all in their head and to suck it up but this is how mental health issues go undiagnosed i spent over 20 years thinking that it was normal to feel the way i felt and that i just needed to suck it up until my wife started prying into my issues and helped me realize that what i was experiencing was not normal whatsoever there are situations where the child may be over dramatic or embellishing things but if they are persistent about an issue or exhibit odd behavior on a consistent basis it cannot be ignored oh my gosh yes you're a teenager you don't have anything to be depressed about face palm the whole staying together for the kids thing one of two things is going to happen either the kids won't see anything wrong making their idea of what relationships should be based on a lie or they do see something wrong in which case you've accomplished nothing but potentially lose their respect and also potentially robbing them of growing up witnessing what actual happiness can look like a full disclosure there might be more outcomes than that since familial and relationship dynamics are vastly varied and complex not giving a child boundaries i've never physically punished my four children but they had boundaries that they crossed at their peril they are now four happy healthy respectful generous and kind adults they had their moments but compared to some kids they didn't cause us that much grief we're proud of them i once heard give your child boundaries and they will feel safe within them i must say that this strategy has worked wonders for my older daughter she is a really good person my son is only three and he's always pushing whatever boundary he can shout out to my asians putting so much importance on schoolwork and grades it's important yes but i think more important to develop a true sense of well-roundedness not just joining multiple honors clubs and one sport and one instruments to put on your college application it's why so many young asian kids have totally stellar grades in high school and college and you think they're going to become senators and doctors but then half of them fizzle out and disappear by age 22 and you wonder whatever happened to eena kim and joy chang because they never learned how to develop dreams or ambition beyond their grade point average fussing over them too much every time they sneeze it's all like the poor deer has the flu or you see a kid fall over and you can tell it wasn't hard enough to hurt them but they've got their parents sustained so make a huge scene so the parents come running to their rescue when parents do that they are just creating kids who will become neurotic and needy adults however i think my parents went a bit too far the other way i fell hard on my arm at the park once and my mom was like you're fine go to school the school ended up having to call her and make her take me to the hospital because i was in so much pain that turns out i'd broken my arm so yeah something in between those two is probably the right amount emo the best way is to laugh it off when the child sees a parent fuzzing they try to get more attention if the parent laughs it off the child will see that and start laughing too if the parent laughs but the child cries you know something is wrong simple elementary my dear sunnydale classif99 not believing what your child says for a number of reasons wanting attention faking it drama queen act will mess them up bad i have diagnosed mental illnesses psychosis major depressive disorder anxiety and i can't talk to my parents about it because they never seem to believe me it screws me over big time still because i depend on them for much needed treatment that i'm afraid to ask for parents always texting worrying where you are constantly the stress of the impending doom of getting that call from my parents ruined a lot of fun times also my parents always used to brag about how they had no cell phones growing up and could go out all day without talking to their parents yet they still were helicopter parents to me very frustrating inconsistency and lack of structure and also just straight impatience and moodiness i easily picked up on the fact that my mom was just being mean and angry at us over her own life and it made me a highly insecure and non-confrontational individual don't bully your kids and you have to that parents have to be in agreement with each other in all their parenting decisions and always back each other's decisions up one spouse shouldn't let the other wreak havoc and not intervene just for the sake of presenting a united front also that the parent is always right you should be able to discuss disagreement so the kid learns how to stand up for themself when conflict happens the goal is to raise good adults not good children helicopter parenting if you are watching your kids every move and controlling them until fear 25 and move out you are seriously messing them up a kid needs to fall and scrape their knee or else they'll grow up scared of falling they also need to know how to go out and learn street smarts if you never let your kid go out without you feel never learned street smarts if your kid is 18 and you still tell them they can't go somewhere without parents that is a problem sorry if it seems like i'm ranting that's because i am lampayo my girlfriend's parents are exactly like that and it is infuriating dropping your young kids on your older kids i've got friends my age early 20s who watch their younger brother who is five now the mom has done almost no parenting at all and while somebody in their twenties is perfectly capable of raising a child in theory this kid is totally fricked because he has been exposed to way too much mature crap too early without the proper context to understand any of it why have another kid if you're not interested in raising one makes absolutely no freaking sense to me only punishing never rewarding i grew up getting yelled at grounded and threatened for every mistake and bad grade and never hearing any encouragement or and i'm proud of you whenever i did good i tried for years to please my parents and earn just a little bit of praise but nothing was ever good enough i was either criticized or unnoticed and as a result in my teens i fell into a deep depression and just quit trying i gave up on school which earned me more punishments and yelling but i just didn't care anymore why bother trying when you clearly can't do anything right it really takes a toll on a kid when they grow up being nitpicked and criticized constantly and it messed me up well into my 30s i struggled with depression and cripplingly low self-esteem for decades and while i'm about 99 over those things i'm still really sensitive to criticism i feel hopeless a lot and i cry really easily it shocks me whenever anyone says something nice to me i don't really know how to react to compliments when a child is never disciplined for anything it'll be your fault when your 30 year old son spends 15 hours a week describing to a psychiatrist that he was sent to jail at 18 for smearing poop in the library always giving in my brother is a freaking see who only eats like 10 different things because my mother always gave into his stupid balls during dinner i seriously dread the day i will be hosting christmas for the family being way too strict i have a friend whose parents ground him once at a time for like getting only a three in an incredibly difficult class or put about as much child locks on all his electronics as possible for not turning in homework sure he's a good kid but he's a nervous wreck another example is my ex-girlfriend she was caught eating nutella like 13 straight and to this day late 16 she's basically banned from all sweets for as long as can be enforced and guess what she has a candy addiction both hate their parents have anxiety and depression and have every intention to get the heck out of there as soon as they hit 18 and never look back sure you can be too loose but it's all on a spectrum and you should be in the center getting only a three in an incredibly difficult class took me way too long to realize that you were talking gpa and not the out of a 100 grade overbearing parents that don't give their kids privacy or trust my mom constantly raided my room and checked my phone and emails and questioned me about everything and would always try to catch me lying once i entered college i had such bad anxiety that i dropped out because i couldn't handle something else going on that was going to be graded and scrutinized it took me years to overcome the anxiety caused by her constantly meddling and questioning actively discouraging your kids from pursuing their interests my paternal grandparents were very guilty of this and my dad suffered from depression as a teen because of it he made sure not to raise us like that my grandpa married a real grade a hole and she had grandkids a couple years behind us she actually said granddaughter wanted to play the sax and we all tried to talk her out of it we were shocked and appalled my dad even blurted out why funny enough when said granddaughter turned 18 she wanted to join the air force but none of her family would sign the form finally she got her rebel on to sign and has a military career boy did i catch crap for doing music in college instead of something noble but thankfully my dad didn't pass all they said down to me i firmly believe following any parenting method 100 screws up a lot of kids the kids are different which is why there are a million different ways to raise kids and they all work they just don't work for every child some methods consistently work worse than others i'm right because i am the parent frick this mentality it's lazy stupid and ignorant if you don't want your kid to do something then give them a freaking legitimate reason don't have one then you're just being in butthole what's worse is how this crap still applies in my adult life my boss has this mentality for his employees i'm p just from thinking about it i think parenting methods are the biggest things messing up children these days parents need to engage with their kids be active participants in their lives talk to them play with them read with them do homework with them and they will turn out okay trying to cram your kid into a tried and true method will screw them up fast all kids are different attempting to find something wrong with a chore or something my mom would always find the one thing i messed up on or did not do and this led me to just stop doing chores altogether because i knew that they would never actually be praised or rewarded she was not trying to be mean i understand that but she still did that every time i tried to do anything if i put away the dishes say wow good job you put this one in the wrong spot but that's okay thank you instead of saying what do you mean you put away the dishes this one isn't even in the right spot hahaha now as an adult i find myself letting things pile up because to me i don't think cleaning them up will actually matter like if i wear something i'll put it in the laundry thing but i will run out of clothes before i actually do my laundry starving them and not giving them treatment for their diabetes until they eventually die at the age of 15 weighing 37 pounds insulting their taste in music i'm 20 years old and whenever my parents walk up the stairs i turn my music off i know for a fact they are just going to say what is this crap my dad listens to hazel o'connor he has no right on an opinion on my music taste [Music] being raised in a strict religious environment for sure i was raised a jehovah's witness and i am diagnosed with ptsd currently the insane amount of stress they put on children to be perfect is just absurd and downright evil at times if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: UE Stories

Views: 78,075

Keywords: parents, parents stories, parenting, parenting gone wrong, parenting styles, parenting 101, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2019, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, story, stories, rslash, comedy, fresh

Id: oKteb-sRNcE

Length: 24min 57sec (1497 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 13 2020