What Not to Say to Someone Who's Suffering - Tullian Tchividjian, Paul Tripp, Dave Furman

here's the honest legacy of everybody's ministry we we leave a trail of dumb things that we've said just a few regrettable things things that you think that was totally unhelpful and one of the places we do that is when people are suffering or they've experienced a loss because you you feel the need to say something yeah you got it and it's it's sort of that desire to have a wrapped bow around life so what are those things nice things for you well I tell people all the time that job's friends were great counselors until they open their mouth I mean literally when they showed up on the scene and he was completely disheveled unrecognizable they couldn't believe what they saw so undone he was and they sat on the ground with him for seven days and didn't open their mouth and it's only when they and they wept with him it's only when they opened their mouths after seven days to try to explain why he was going through what he was going through that their you know thirty some-odd chapter dialog started the way his friends approached Joe was like the worst kind of accountability or you know good people get good stuff bad people get bad stuff you're clearly getting bad stuff would you do wrong come on confess your sin what the weather the skeletons in your closet and that sort of thing and if they actually perpetuated Joab's pain because now it wasn't just dealing with the loss of family the loss of wealth for loss of health that sort of thing now he was also having to deal with his friends accusations they actually perpetuated his pain so I mean things that I've said when people have come to me you know I wish I could take back now when they tell me something tragic has happened and you're right we have this instinctive desire to say something to fix the problem and to say something silence just isn't satisfying and you know so we have to say something you know things like you know God will use this you know someone comes and tells you they've lost their child you know well God will use this how many people you never know how many people might actually become Christians as a result of your child's death you know stuff like that that I know is commonplace inside the church and you know you Pech you ate people's pain that's not what they want to hear but I won't hear anything they really don't want to hear any in fact the best thing to say is I'm sorry I just I can't understand it couldn't even imagine give him a hug I don't know what God is doing here love you yeah and I wouldn't even I wouldn't even go in a sense I wouldn't even say I've made the mistake of saying you know God's gonna do something or who knows what God is doing I don't even invoke that I'm just like this stinks I mean in other words I want to be able to give them permission in tragedy yeah I want to give them permission in a sense to argue with God about what's happened well the fact the matter is in the forever world this stuff won't happen that's right yeah so I at that level this is not a good thing this on horrible horrible a horrible thing though yes kind of world and so things like God's seeking to teach you make sure you learn your lessons well yeah those notes here I get this right I'm so I'm getting up in the next morning yeah I'm about to go to the funeral home with a little suit for my six-year-old son who's died now am I in the car that someone's driving writing notes of all the things God is trying to teach me yeah through the smart that is just so ridiculous you think yeah who do we think people are yeah yeah I mean this is this is you're dealing with this horror and this moment yeah that that really does push you to the borders of everything you wanted your life to in your health that's right it just seems like an insanity and and if it weren't for the tragedy of that moment the things that we say to people are just laughable they're yeah they're yeah they're embarrassing yeah I thought some time to time I've compared someone's injury or someone's lost to somebody else to kind of show them well know what you're going through really isn't that bad so oh you broke a leg well at least you're not paralyzed yeah oh you're paralyzed at least this hasn't hasn't happened and we try to minimize the pain that they've gone through it by encouraging them with somebody else and it just doesn't work yeah thankful you could be dead now yeah exactly right well or even something on a smaller scale I mean what you're not dying yeah ridiculous is that you know what my I mean I've got three children and when my daughter who's 11 will come home sometimes and say you know I had a really rough day and without even asking her what made her day rough or maybe I do ask her what made her not even said yeah and she's like well you know I got in an argument with you know Lily her friend something like that and you know try to give her perspective well honey at least let me look on the bright side look at the school you get to go to look at how many friends you have and in that moment I'm doing Sacramento just minimizing her pain I'm not hearing her for her the argument she got in with her friend is a real deal I mean it's it's serious and I think we just often timed the mandatory happiness that we require inside the church perpetuate space but here's the ultimate minimization you will never suffer as much as Jesus did yeah oh that's the worst that might be the worst yeah now that might be the worst thing to say first verse that's a ridiculously unhealth second that's all of us it doesn't make me really want to run to him yeah that's exactly right because you set the bar so no one will ever take my that's right my suffering serious yeah that's exactly right you suffered so much yeah I hate the fact that you suffered too much because now my suffering has no meaning yeah that's exactly what that's exactly lost no that's exactly right it turns people away from John's not toward him oh yeah we need to recognize that people are hurting can I REM song everybody hurts yeah everybody's going through something regardless of on the scale of 1 to 100 what it is they're going through but we're all suffering and hurting in some well I think for us as pastors and church leaders to love and care for those in our flock be patient listen yeah you know be quiet like yeah yeah I think that's where your example of your daughter's is is so important because that's not small suffering for her that's exactly right I mean we tend to categorize suffering that's right and because it's her big deal it is going into her life yeah that's her big deal right ok and it's as big as some of the things that we would call big for her yeah and those those answers they just diminish all of that reality and she has a sense you don't get what she's going that's exactly right yeah which is which is the exact opposite of Jesus who because he was tempted Hebrews 4 whereas we are he it was without sin is a sympathetic sufferer I think the idea that God that God has suffered for us that God suffers with us is something that obviously sets Christianity apart from every other world religion but we we have a faith that actually embraces suffering that looks at suffering square in the face and is realistic about suffering that's absolutely true but the reason we're talking about this is the ministry people are uncomfortable with that yeah that's right and so right yeah we want to cover it up with something we want some words that will fix it because we want to get quickly back to that happiness religion which is not the gospel that's right yeah the Gospels bloody brutal draw the blood and guts of that arc on every page of Scripture that is its hope yeah that's exactly right Psalm 88 that says darkness my closest friend is in the Bible to give you hope that's exactly right because God gets it yeah yeah that's right he that's it yeah and there's that's a very different thing then I'm sort of uptight and nervous as your pastor I want to get you to a better place real quickly right yeah that's not my love for you right now that's because I'm on Conrad phone and see with my schedule yeah yeah yeah good stuff

Channel: Sheila L.

Views: 25,342

Rating: 4.7689528 out of 5

Keywords: Tullian Tchividjian (Person), Paul Tripp, Dave Furman, The Gospel Coalition

Id: G0NOIGMW4ww

Length: 7min 50sec (470 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 23 2014