Remember to subscribe, for daily top reddit
stories. Okay storytime... What’s the most badass thing you’ve accidentally said in
the heat of the moment? Around the time I was 12, I was at a family
party with my dad and aunts/uncles. My dad told me that one of my uncles owned several
bars. My response? "Oh, it's good that he got into a business that he knows something
about."I had no idea what I really was saying, I thought I was giving him a compliment. This one had a little setup, but I think it's
funny enough to share.At a family vacation, my grandmother was giving me grief for not
remembering her birthday (I've never been good with birthdays) after telling me it was
the password to her iphone (she wanted me to take a picture with it, which is why I
needed the password.) While she was distracted, I opened up the
settings, changedher password to my birthdate, and then set her phone down.Cue 15 minutes
later, she's trying to get into her phone and it's not working. Suspecting mischief,
she grumpily asks me if I've changed the password to her phone in front of our entire family.
I admit that I did."Well what is it?" She asked impatiently."It's my birthdate."She
sat there in stunned silence for about 15 seconds not being able to remember my birthday
before our family exploded laughing. Was a good time. We had a overly dramatic neighbor who always
claimed she was sick and dying.My mom came to see my kids in the middle of battling stage
4 lung cancer.The neighbor pulled her, “Hi Rita, so glad to see you. Did Jason tell you
that I am dying?” My mom looked right at her, smiled and said
“Me too, dear. But not today.” Never more proud of her. About 25 year ago, I was in grade 9 and my
parents bought me a pair of Air Max.I’m a female, but I had picked a pair of Air Max
that were ‘supposed’ to be for males because I preferred the color of the shoes. I was
super pumped to get those shoes; we didn’t have lots of money and it was a pretty extravagant
purchase.Anyway, I was at our local shopping centre and I ran into a group of guys I went
to high school with. They were a real bunch of arseholes that thrived on dumping on other
people. One of the guys had on the same pair of shoes and said to me “do you know you’re
wearing men’s shoes?” To which I quickly replied “then why the
duck are you wearing them?” The other guys pizzed themselves laughing
and it still stands out in my mind after all these years.... I was eating Mcdonald's with a few friends
and I started choking.. the only thing I managed to say in the whole ordeal was "I'm McChokin'" This was back in my junior year of college.
At the beginning of the semester I was introducing myself to my very intimidating biochemistry
professor (guy was a genius but also a hardass, students were all terrified to ask him questions
because he was known for grilling people and if they hadn't made enough effort beforehand
he'd send them out of his office to learn on their own). As I walked into his office
he was sorting through some boxes and made a really sarcastic comment regarding stuffing
me in the box and shipping it off somewhere.He looked up for my response and I just blurted
out without thinking "I wouldn't mind going somewhere nice..." Dude laughed so hard it
actually startled me a little. We got along pretty well for the remainder of the semester,
so it all worked out really well! It's amazing what a little laughter can do to ease tension. "There's no way you're this much of an asshole
naturally, you must go home and practice."I said this to a coworker who was throwing a
fit and bullying a quieter coworker because he was pizzed off. He had a habit of just
being a giant douche anytime things didn't go his way. This comment pizzed him off so
much he just stormed into his office and stayed there the rest of the day (win for the rest
of us). At work at a company meeting, someone was
presenting something cool they volunteered to work on and finished. They then explained
things they thought they could do better in a self deprecating way, and a bunch of other
people started railing into his work with petty criticism. It was definitely good work,
though, and a thought just hit me so I blurted it out:“Sometimes “done” is the best
feature” A bunch of people laughed and then the criticism
stopped. People gave him kudos and we moved on. Not really badass, but I was surprised
this thought somehow came out fully formed, like it was some phrase I’ve been saying
for decades.I guess I was just realizing how many people don’t finish anything they start.
So “done” suddenly seemed like a pretty damn good feature. Give the man some credit
for finishing the damn thing! At work, when in a somewhat heated discussion
of why things kept going wrong at a small company, upper management said something to
the effect 'why does x y zee keep happening, it's idiot proof' and I replied "we need to
stop hiring new idiots to test if that's true"Edit: so the replies seem split about 50/50 understanding
what I meant. I'd like to address a couple replies instead of individually. The context
was "please stop trying tofind people to actually test if it's idiot proof. Please hire someone
who is not a bigger idiot than the previous hire that was let go for being an idiot."First,
I work in a very small company and all of us are close enough outside of work that this
wouldn't get me fired or reprimanded or anything .Second, my point was that we should hire
smarter people in instead of any Joe that applied and then the procedure would be idiot
proof. We just needed a slightly smarter idiot.Thirdly, the Douglas Adams quote is what I had in mind
when I said it, but I couldn't remember at the time where I had heard it from. Thanks
to those that reminded me. I was the lawyer in this criminal case arising
out the Standing Rock events. That morning, some Lakota people had given us this traditional
blessing to wish us well for the trial, and there were five to seven activists sitting
in the courtroom to watch and support us.It happened that there was a certain digital
document that I needed before the jury got back from a break, and we didn't know just
when the break would be over.I remember turning to the supporters holding up a thumb drive,
and telling them exactly what I needed from the office across the street and how to get
it.I held out the thumb drive, and with all the intensity of an ancient general sending
his troops into battle said, "Fastest runner. Go now."This tiny little young woman grabbed
the thumb drive and hauled ats . She got back before the jury returned. I don't know about badass, but I years ago
I worked at a Hard Rock cafe, and we often had pre shift server meetings outdoors on
a patio, and my while boss was droning on about us selling more overpriced plastic cups
I was staring off at the spinning globe on top of the building that says "save the planet"
on it, I interrupted my boss by blurting out "if Hard Rock is trying to save the planet,
why do we waste so much paper?", which was really directed at my managers, who had a
hard on for printing out stupid memos. They somehow didn't realize it was about them specifically,
and passed the comment up the food chain, which ended up resulting in the entire company
changing their payroll system to paperless, globally.As a reward I was given a pin shaped
like a lightbulb that said "bright idea" on it. Thanks I guess. “Go wait with mommy- daddy might be going
back to jail again”. Guy pushed my 5 year old daughter at the fish store and SHE started
crying. When he heard me say that he RAN out of the store.I’ve never been to jail before... I was crazy about this dude. He was intelligent,
hot, funny, and a bit older. After a few weeks of dating he said he wasn’t ready for a
commitment. I told him to come pick up his book from my place, and not to reach out again
as it hurt too much. I was that in to him. So he comes to my apartment, I go to hand
him the book, and begin to shut the door. He puts his foot in the way to stop it and
says “I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready, but I can’t stop thinking about you.”
Moving my hand off the door, I hand him the book anyways and said “Then pick me up at
7.” Anyways now we’re married...... I worked at a book store and a customer asked
me "How often do the periodicals come out?" I deadpanned "Periodically." and he asked
to speak to my manager. Worth it. I was accused of being passive aggressive.
I replied "Which part sounded passive? I don't ever want to come across as passive." I already posted here, but I just thought
of another story.There was this one extremely attractive girl in my COMM 101 class in college.
One day, for a project where we interviewed other students, I was partnered with her.
We ended up not finishing our questions in class, so I asked her if I could meet her
somewhere to finish interviewing her. She said yes.Fast-forward to the next day, I meet
her after her dance group finishes rehearsal. I knock through thelast few questions, and
the final one which I ask is “What do you perceive the future to hold?” She replies “I don’t even know what I’m
having for dinner tonight, I have no idea what the future holds.” So I say “Well, if you don’t know what
you’re having for dinner, do you want to have dinner with me?” She laughed, said yes, and though we only
hooked up that night, I still look back on that day as one of the best dating stories
I’ve had yet. I had a surgery and when I woke up, the nurse
was REALLY CUTE, so I started flirting with her ( with no success)...I had a 2nd surgery
and when I woke up, it was the same cute nurse, my first words to her were:How many surgeries
do I have to have before I get your phone number????( we've been married 8 yrs now) A long time ago I was walking down a side
street in a medium sized town with my girlfriend. A car was parked ahead, with the front of
the car facing us as we approached. I could see two kids, maybe in their late teens and
instantly could tell they were likely going say something as my girlfriend was rather
attractive.As soon as we come up next to them I hear “hey baby, ditch the zero and come
hang with the hero”. I could feel my blood boil but I kept my cool and calmly said “sorry
buddy, I’m not gay...and don’t call my girlfriend a zero”. The dude’s friend
started laughing at him and my girlfriend made a sarcastic crying face then we both
started to laugh. At a party a few years back, someone stole
my friends purse. Her boyfriend found the guys who took it and got it back for her,
but he was still in an angry, drunken rage and was continuing to escalate the situation
when he was well outnumbered. My friend finds me and says, “I’m afraid [boyfriend] is
about to get into a fight, I need your help. Stop him, please!”. I stand up, and I tell
her, “I can’t promise you I can stop him from fighting, but I can promise you I won’t
let him lose.” Before walking off to find him.Ultimately, no fight actually broke out,
and I didn’t realize that I had basically said a cheesy one liner until after the fact
when my friend told me how intense that line was. I didn’t mean for it to sound so dramatic,
I just wanted to let her know I wouldn’t let him get his ats kicked, I didn’t mean
to make it sound like I was about to demolish three guys by myself like I’m some sort
of action hero. The first day camping at a 2016 music festival,
I headed off with a 4-gallon jug to get water.A girl who was with our group, who I’d never
met before, asked if I needed help. I responded, “No—but I’d sure love some company.” We’re getting married this fall. In a class at university each student had
to give a presentation about a scientific paper and answer questions about it. We were
told to ask the speaker questions, because otherwise the professor would and his questions
would obviously be harder. That professor was really brutal in his critiques of the
presentations (but also fair and accurate). In any case i asked a question after every
single presentation, but when my turn came no student wanted to ask anything, so the
professor asked me if i wanted to ask myself a question. Without even thinking about it:
"Say, how come your presentation was so extremely excellent?"I was mentally preparing to be
chewed out, instead the professor needed a minute to stop laughing and then gave me the
best grade possible :) .... I worked at Target back in college in a stocking
job where we had to be there at like 4-5am to unload trucks. One morning I overslept
a bit and walked to the unpacking line about 10 minutes late eating a breakfast bar. The
boss stormed over and started loudly berating me in front of everyone for being late. As
he was going on, I was listening and taking bites of the bar without much expression (mainly
because I was so damn tired). It finally bothered him that I was disrespectfully chewing during
the yelling and he stopped mid-sentence, held out his hand, and said, “Give me that damn
thing!”. It just happened that I only had one bite left so I took it, handed him the
wrapper, and said “Thanks” with a mouth full of food. He paused and started laughing
at the ridiculous response to his itching. We were buddies after that. I’m late to the party, but oh well.I work
in waste management. I’m also a rather small person (like, “they don’t make clothes
at Old Navy in my size” small).I was wheeling a stack of drums out to our loading dock,
navigating pretty much purely on instinct since I couldn’t see over or around them.
Lo and behold, there’s someone there chatting with the shipping people. I run straight into
him.I’m surrounded by everyone in shipping, some fairly big dudes, and I feel amazingly
embarrassed. I leaned around the drumsto look at the guy I hit, and without even thinking,
said, “the duck you want me to do, see through ‘em?” Everyone burst out laughing and the guy even
opened the door to the dock for me.Every time I see him now he pretends to duck.... Got to work one morning, my chosen football
team had thrashed my bosses chosen team, i gave him a load of sheet for it (humorously
of course, my boss is great). He gave me some sheet back, and told me to do a stock take
on all items we have beginning with the letter C. I pointed at him and said, 1. Luckily,
he took it the correct way and laughed a lot. A coworker was struggling with a frustrating
piece of equipment, and I asked her why she didn't just do (insert easy fix) instead.She
growled, "I don't know. I just really love making things harder.""Then why are you a
lez?!"(Side note. Yes, she's a lez, and she almost fell on the floor she was laughing
so hard. She repeated the joke to everyone else the rest of the day.) Edit: First of all, thank you for all the
upvotes, and thank you for the gold, kind stranger. I'm glad I got to share one of my
best one-liners I ever said. I also want to say that of course I knew my audience and
knew she wouldn't get offended or try to get me fired. I didn't mean it as anything other
than a funny joke. I actually said nothing. I was on my motorcycle
in traffic, on a wet overpass with short jersey walls. Guy behind me was driving a bit too
fast and slammed on his brakes sliding into me, but no damage as he was going slow enough
to touch and push me about 5 feet before finally coming to a stop. The angle had me going straight
forward so I did not fall.Had it been much faster I would have been thrown over the edge
to my death. So obviously I was... not happy.I turned off the engine, got off the bike and
slowly walked over to the driver that hit me. Its only a few feet and when he saw me
coming to him, he furiouslystarted raising his manual window. So I could just see him
struggling to pump the winder. When I got there I just knocked on his window. Pointed
at him, and turned around and walked away.He looked terrified.I didn't think about it until
later, a guy you just hit in a car wearing a black helmet, with shaded visor, black heavy
thick jacket, black heavy riding pants (roadcrafter jacket and pants), black thick and metal studded
gloves, and black leather boots knocks on your window and points at you for being a
supreme dumbass...I had no idea, I just wanted to talk to him. Be a bit angry but tell him
I was ok then take a sec to verify my bike was ok as well... In a discussion with my parents in which they
were clearly wrong and missing the point. They began yelling because they really hadn't
arguments, and started talking about the respect I owe them as their son, saying that I was
disrespectful for contradicting their position. I just answered something like "from where
would I learn respect if I haven't seen you guys respecting me or anyone", and they went
completely silent. Long story short: my friend would share my
”sixcapades” with other people (which I would rather he didn't).Got fed up and ended
up blurting out ”Just because you don't have your own stories to share doesn't mean
you have to share mine” Me and my girlfriend at the time were having
a discussion about her going back to school. She kept putting it off every semester, and
one day she got angry at me trying to get her to actually go back, not just talk about
it, and she yelled “Rome wasn’t built in a day!” And I responded, “yeah, but
it was built.” And a decade later I still think of that.Edit: She did end up going back
to school. Got her masters even. She’s married now with twins. Just a real asshole. At university, we have to present our senior
projects in front of the whole department. Stage fright sucks and everyone else had a
more interesting project, in my opinion.The badass moment was that my name was misprinted
on the schedule and I got welcomed to the stage under the wrong name. The first thing
I did was point to my real name on my presentation and say "that's how my real name is spelt.
It's just pronounced weird."A bunch of people laughed and I got commended by a few people
for adding humor to the driest three hours of the year. “Respect should be earned, not given.”
To some old lady at an extended family gathering. She was saying some mean stuff about the homeless
where she lived and I told her how inconsiderate she was. Then she told me to respect her and
not rebut her. I was the nerdy, 5-foot-tall shy girl, and
constantly got paired with struggling/misbehaving kids to "help them".On this occasion, it was
two popular guys in english class. One was your typical, 2000s era comic book jock, the
other was a class clown who just didn't know when to stop. Together, they unanimously agreed
to do sheet all, making fun of our classmates, while I made the world's ugliest word cloud.
(I failed art class you all, so that's no joke.) I guess I had an epiphany, because for the
first time in my 15 years of life, I decided, duck this sheet, and went to tell the teacher
they're being lazy big nickheads andI'd rather just do it solo. It took a hot minute before
jokester realized I'd even left, and when he pointed it out, the jock stood up looking
ready to Hulk out of his lowriders.And the Jock said "What are you tattling on us for? It's not
like we've done anything".And I replied "Yeah, that's kind of the point".And just
walked out of the dead silent class... because I was so used to being bullied I fully expected
him to yeet a chair at me. But apparently I just looked like a badass, which is accidental
street cred my nerdy ats was 100% eager to roll with. "duck me, I'm going to be late" after waking
up from a concussion that left blood still dripping down my head an hour after, in which
period I went and proceeded to sit a history final exam. As someone with a suicidal history and multiple
attempts. I was a bouncer at the time and my response to "I'll ducking hill you" was
"you can't hill me, I can't even hill me, trust me I've tried". I'll never forget the moment a family walked
into the local pub I was working at while I was working. This big king-of-the-grill
bald alpha patriarch Dad type and his wife and kids came through, I said "welcome, where
would you like to sit?" And he snapped back "well a table would be nice", and without
missing a beat at all I replied "actually we usually sit on the chairs here", I'll never
forget the satisfaction of that moment or the look on his face haha. My dad has the absolute worst habit of ‘speaking
his mind’ uses it as a huge excuse for just being a hunt really, he knows his kids have
been sixually assaulted/raped but never ever would stoop so low as to take the pizz out
of us for it or blame us or anything so I guess he’s got that going for him, but doesn’t
excuse him for comments he makes about other people.There was a news report about a woman
who got raped and go into a discussion about how wearing types of clothes can be asking
for it so in that moment I come out with ‘ so me wearing my night gown ready for bed when
I was 5 years old was asking for it’. He soon shut up One time I popped the blood vessels in my
eye and had blood dripping down my face and some kid says “hey man you’re bleeding”
to which I responded “sheet, coulda fooled me”. Then I ducked it up by touching my
face and seeing the blood and immediately going ah sheet guess you were rightI was the
nerdy, 5-foot-tall shy girl, and constantly got paired with struggling/misbehaving kids
to "help them".On this occasion, it was two popular guys in english class. One was your
typical, 2000s era comic book jock, the other was a class clown who just didn't know when
to stop. Together, they unanimously agreed to do sheet all, making fun of our classmates,
while I made the world's ugliest word cloud. (I failed art class you all, so that's no
joke.) I guess I had an epiphany, because for the
first time in my 15 years of life, I decided, duck this sheet, and went to tell the teacher
they're being lazy big nickheads and
